We’ll Ride Out the Bad Times, Because It Gets Better

The worst thing during any part of my journey through life is when the self-doubt hits. The crazy thing was that I hadn’t worked out that week, and from what I’ve been told, could very well factor into part of the why I was feeling that way. The other fact of the reason “why” could also be because of the nightshift at  work. As long as I’m staying busy in some way, the nightshift isn’t bad. However, it’s the slow times that become painful at times.

I know better, yet I also have a habit of over thinking things. I think this is part of the depressive side of me. Having the same words going through my head of not being good enough, and wondering if I am. Who else feels this way? I know that I’m not the only one. God, it sucks to know that the influential years are during the first years of school. I still carry that shit with me today.

Even though I’m out of school, and it’s been for sometime, I still can’t shakes those feelings that I had when I was a kid. I’ve tried to teach my kids not to be that way, and as far as I can tell, it’s worked alright as they are compassionate children. This is at least to the extent that I’ve been able to actually witness with their interaction with their peers. I take that as a parenting win. However, I’ve also witnessed the aftermath of them getting bullied, and I’ve had those concerns as a parent. I worried that some of the thoughts that I had as a child would be common with the one’s that they may have had.

There was a period of time, particularly when I had been going through my bad period that I was really worried about my oldest. Middle School and High School were not the kindest years to her. I’m glad that she went to home school after that instance happened.

As it happens, the other two children are also doing home school. Because of the bullying that the officials “say” they have under control and take serious. That, and also the school system in our town isn’t the best. I feel that they are now in a better curriculum and they have a better chance to thrive. Little Chris has advanced far faster within the last year than he had at his special needs school. It’s just a shame that bullying isn’t taken serious, until a kid commits suicide and bullying is the reason.

Here I am, a man in my early forties, and I still have things from my youth still ingrained in my head. I remember having a conversation with my mom and she had mentioned that she had never realized that I felt that way. That’s something that people don’t always realize, the fact that depression likes to hide itself and not burden anyone. I fell like my problems shouldn’t be anyone else’s. That and I didn’t realize at the time that she had been suffering through her own issues.

I think that’s why I preferred the swing shift. It keeps me busier and that helps me stay in a better mindset. I think that’s why I’m always creatively working on things to keep my own mind busy. That way I don’t have those moments that I feel lonely. I feel that being on the nightshift also has its advantages, I do get to concentrate on more of the things I want, as it isn’t busy like the other shifts. It’s better than the dayshift because I don’t have to get up after only four hours of sleep, however, day’s are the busiest and makes the day go by so much faster.

Mentally I had a rough week, but I started feeling better as my days were ending. I can’t believe that working out was something that helped me feel a bit more aligned. I’ve been told that working out is the best anti-depressant, and so far I believe that it is true. It has been in my case at least. I’ve seen Tweets and had conversations with people who’ve only confirmed this theory. I hate missing workouts, yet life happens and that’s just the way it happens.

On the bright side, I was able to survive that week that was busy, and now I’ve taken a weekend to actually relax. It’s something that I’ve not done in some time, and being able to play  Pokemon with the kids has been a fun bonding experience. Now, I need to get going back on the motivation train.

That was something that I did notice last week,  I was pushing and trying to get my workout in. I was doing my 100 wall push-ups, and then I did 100 squats, which burned my legs. Then working out on Wednesday, I was able to get my son involved with the workout, and then we got one again on Friday. Sam, my trainer, decided to make the kids run. Chris is a bit uncoordinated because of his disabilities, but Sam was impressed with the way Chris could run. He told me that with a little work, Chris would be an even better runner. The best part was hearing Chris complain about how his lungs burned.

Yes, my kids suffered from a good workout, and I thought it was great. I think I needed that workout to get out of the funk I was in. I should have remembered that I would get through that moment. Sometimes, it’ harder to see when you start that process. It’s like when people start to think that suicide is the only option, because in that moment, seeing the light doesn’t seem like an option. I think that’s something people don’t always understand about suicidal tendencies. I’ve heard that it’s a “selfish act” and that “it’s the cowards way out,” but unless someone’s been there, or really studied it, they don’t get it.

I look back and I realize that there are many people who have it way worse than I do. Sometimes, it’s out of their control, and they feel that pressure more because of it. Sometimes, it comes out of the choices we make as people. I’m not one who’s always made the best choices in life, but I’m also not one to run away from what I’ve done, and try and blame it on others. I accept the responsibility for my actions. I wish that I could take back some of the things I did. I wish that my mind wasn’t my greatest enemy, but these are things that I try my best to overcome. Things have gotten so much better over the last several years, I’ve gotten better control of my life, and the weight loss journey is just one of the contributing factors that have helped.

Blogging has been my mental salvation. I know that it isn’t always a subject that people are comfortable talking about, but it’s something that needs to be addressed. I think that the conversation is becoming more common and that people are being more supportive with the struggles. Yes, there are those assholes who think that bringing people who struggle down is funny, but that just goes to show where we as a society should learn to improve the way things are dealt with.

Again I say that blogging has been my mental salvation. I noticed that as I’ve gotten better mentally, I would find less to talk about. Sometimes I would struggle to get something out, and I felt like I was only half-heartedly getting out the content. This would reflect in the views of my posts, and the comments that I would receive. As I struggle to get through my journey at different points, that’s where the views and the comment come in. That’s the time where the support really shines. Yes, I occasionally get negative feedback, but I’m at a point in my life that those opinions don’t matter. The reason? Because it was those opinion that helped get me in the state I was before, and I’m not going to fall that far down ever again.

As always, the is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please like, subscribe, share. That’s the easiest and best way to show support for the project.

 

First Blog 2019.

I originally had started a blog about the new year, and how we shouldn’t look at it as a time for a fresh start. The truth is life is about ten percent of what happens to you. The other ninety is how you choose to react to it.

With that being said, I’ve found myself in a very emotional place over the weekend. My mother had a fall off of a ladder while taking down Christmas lights, and fractured her skull. She has multiply contusions and bruised her brain. I found myself looking at her in the bed, and I felt uncomfortable, and I was scared for my mother.

If it would have been my father, I could have handled it. We’ve been in that situation before. He had a heart attack in 1996, so mentally I would have been prepared for that. I was there when my dad was having neck surgery, and so I was even more prepared for that. This I couldn’t have ever imagine.

With everything that I went through with my wife, I think I could have been prepared for her in this situation. We’ve gone through her having a concussion and ending up in the emergency room. Through two pregnancies, and the various health scares, I would have been prepared for her, but not my mom.

Since this incident happened on Friday, January fourth, it’s all been a waiting game. I did get news last night, the eighth, that she did sit up, and that she spoke a little, which was good news. This is still going to be a long process, but any good news, brings me hope that this won’t be as bad as it could have been.

The outpour of love and support has been amazing. I truly feel touched by the texts and messages that I’ve received over the weekend, and continue to get on a daily basis. People, ask about how my mom is, and they ask me on how I’m doing. It makes me think on how valid my relationships are.

Though it’s been a rough start to the year, I’m not going to let this incident define my year, and I will just use it as a brief obstacle in my journey. I did miss a few days in my ten thousand step life. Yet, I’m going to be getting back on track for my forty-day step challenge, I’m just going to have to start over again, but I can do this. I’ve done a twelve days as my highest so far.

On the good news, I did my thirteenth month check-up on Saturday and I’m now down 148.1 pounds. It feels good to be 281.8, with a 40.4 BMI. It’s amazing how far I’ve come since I started this process almost a year-and-a-half ago. I’ve got about eighty-five pounds to go before I hit the ultimate goal, but I figure that my next goal is 265. I’m getting there, it may not be as fast as I was, but I’ll keep it going.

I’m not going to let the bad things define the rest of my life, negativity brings too many people down. I know that mentally, I’m a self-sabotage type of person. I’m also having doubt creep up in my mind when I do the various things in my life. I find myself leaning not to be that way, and I’m constantly  learning not to put myself down.

My personal training sessions have taken a different turn as we’ve started circuit training. This is defiantly a different process as now I’m having to learn to push through with a different kind of workout. I felt like I died a few times during my workouts, but it’s good, and yet it sucks at the same time. I will learn to make this type of workout my bitch though.

I’m hoping that this rough patch passes quickly, but I can’t let it keep me down as life goes on. Well, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Struck By Motivation

So, I decided that I was going to make my 10,000 steps today. My current total is 13,054 steps for the day. Which means I’ve traveled 5.8 miles and burned 772 Calories. Not bad for a Tuesday. The one thing that I noticed today is that I’m feeling a slight pull in the back on my right hamstring. I think that I need to stretch it out, and I hope that helps.

With life going at such a fast pace, I’ve felt that I had a few weeks of lost motivation. I know that it’s a normal response to lose motivation. You can’t always go 100% all the time without a bit of fatigue. I was there creatively as well, but I’m finding that extra motivation to continue to work on that as well. The lack of motivation was just a phase, but it was a habit that I had been comfortable with for a long time.

As I sit here and write this, I think about how I would come home and just play video games, or watch television. I don’t really do those things like I used too. It’s funny to reflect on how I was at this time last year, and to see where I am mentally now. I like to create, that’s something I’ve been a fan of most of my life. Music, stories, poetry, I’ve always had a hand in something creative. Maybe that’s why I’m coming into a place in my life where I’m feeling fulfilled with the things that I work on.

My team should have some stories out that we can look at shooting, and I’m excited to see where this newly formed machine is going to take us. While it’s true that I’ve worked with almost everyone in some form, the relationship of this team is still relatively new. This both excites me, and makes me nervous, because I want this to succeed.

It’s not just that I want the production company to succeed, I want this team to prosper as well. Sometimes I start to fear that ego might get in the way, and that is something I’m trying to avoid. I have enough self-doubt that crosses my mind every so often. Yes, I know that my depression tries to sabotage me, and I have to get reassurance that everything is okay. I guess that’s the emotional side of me. I do try and keep it in check though, and I hate when the creative process seems to be hindered. At least what we’ve done so far, has helped put the team on a better level of understanding.

I know one of the projects that I need to start is to work on an outline for The CK Project. With me down over 110 pounds, I think that we need to start documenting the rest of the transformation, and get some motivational words on video. It’s an idea, that I’ve had, and I did a few small videos before the surgery. The only after surgery videos have come out on Facebook and Snapchat. Part of the goal is to impliment them more as well.

 I’m finding success documenting the weight loss journey through Instagram, and I’ve made several contacts with others on this journey through social media. These people have my full support, and those who I’ve talked too in the real world are getting behind The CK Project. As soon as I get the next prototype for the shirt, if I like it, I’ll be getting them availible to the public, and I know my trainer, Sam Basco, is one of the first customers.

Speaking of Sam, I took my kids too one on his youth grappling classes yesterday, and they seemed to enjoy themselves. I get such a joy watching my children do new things and have fun with social interaction. I find a fasination and pride watching them try their hardest. I think that’s how most parent’s are. I look forward to seeing where my family’s relationship with Flawless Victory MMA  is going to go. The coaches are great, and very supportive in the growth of physical health and the MMA profession.

Sam is also going to help my wife rehab her arm, and get both strength and range of motion back into it. We spent several hours in the emergancy room, just to get meds, and no real examination. I feel that it’s kind of frustrating, when you would expect a medical professional to take the time to examine the problem, but instead say that it’s common, give us a perscription, and send us on our way. That was a huge waste of five hours of our time, but at least she did get something to help.

Professionally, I think that this or next week, I’ll start hearing from the moves that I’m trying to make. I’m really excited about this because, I’m ready to move on and grow into new things(That is why I went to school). I’m trying to keep positive about everything, and while I’ve faultered at times, I do think that the pay off’s going to be big, and I’ve got an eye in three different places for the same kind of job.

Anyway, things are really looking up. I had a rough moment this weekend, but feel better as my point was made. I just need to learn to control the emotions behind it a bit better. So, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.