Consistency and Bad Habits

So, I’ve gained about twenty-five pounds over this pandemic, and I have deduced my reasons on why this has happened. Remember in previous blogs where I said that I had struggled because I’ve let bad habits slip back in? Yep, that’s one of the reasons. The other is the fact that my work outs have not been consistent over the last year. A positive is that I’m aware of these facts and I’m working on correcting the path that I’ve been on.

I remember that I was doing well through most of February of last year. I was trying to deal with an ankle injury that I obtained while doing a grappling class, and it seemed that I would keep aggravating it as I had gone on. It was when I went out for a week in March, when I started falling off the motivational train. The plus side was that it required me to rest for the week and it gave my ankle the appropriate time to heal. It was also the time when everything started to shut down because of the Coronavirus.

The issue for the Covid-19 was that at this time everything was starting to shut down. That required me to stay out of public as much as possible do to my job as it was. See where I’m going here? That meant that I couldn’t go workout at the gym like I had been for so long. I tried to do an occasional workout from home, but with a bullshit excuse I feel that I don’t have enough room to get a decent workout in. Plus I had been a bit under the weather and took it easy.

I found that staying at home and not doing the things I was used too, both a blessing and a curse. I was fortunate enough to still be working, just night’s were kind of hard not to snack to stay up. What happens when there’s snacking and not enough exercise? You put on some pounds. It also didn’t help that at the time, March ended up feeling about three-months-long.

Some of the positives, I found were the fact that everything being closed, I was spending less money on the things that I tend to enjoy, and I used that to help pay down certain debts that I’d been working on for a while. I had to the opportunity to actually focus a bit more on paying off bills in a larger concentrated amount. I found that trying to look at the bright side of things was making the time a bit more easy to handle.

With everything being on some type of lock down, I also found that I wasn’t having to deal with as many of the people as I was normally, and the fact is that as soon as we were done, we got to go home. It was nice being able to get home at six-fifteen-in-the-morning, and then off to bed, so the I could get up around noon. I now that sleep schedule sounds bad, and I’ll be the first to admit that I could have used a bit more sleep then I was getting, but that’s one of those things that was hard to over come during the first couple of months on shift.

The last year was unpredictable to say the least, and I can see why, as someone who remained consistent for so long, ended up having issues staying motivated. The plus side is that I’m in a position to claim my consistency back, and honestly I think things are going to get even better over the next few months with that as it is. I feel that my focus had defiantly fallen behind and I’m ready to take it back.

People like to think that the weight loss journey is a slope that goes down, and never goes back up. Many “health supplements, and gurus” try to convince people of that. That’s what sells the product, or the service that is provided in helping out with losing the weight. People want to lose weight without the effort. I’ve seen it too many times, and had wanted that for myself at times in the past.

Working out feels good. So ,why would I stop, and make excuses? I fell on some hard depression during the nightshift. I’ll be the first to say that while the shift itself is easy, my mind isn’t kind to me. I’d start thinking about all these negative things, and with the growing concern at the time of the virus, it had caused me to become a bit anxious, and when left to my own devices, I find that I need validation. I know that some might think that silly. Some people may even agree with that struggle. All I can say is that it’s never pretty going through that situation. You start thinking or doing things that you might not normally do.

As the time progressed and certain things got relaxed a bit, I was able to get back into working out. My eating was still a bit off, but at least I was getting the workouts in. One of the issues was that the timing of my workouts didn’t always seem to work out the way I needed them too and would often have to cancel, and so there were still weeks that I wasn’t working out, or I’d only be working out once a week. At least I was still able to do a mile-and-a-half run in seventeen-eighteen. At least I was trying to make things work.

As I was getting into the seventh month of a six month rotation on nightshift, I was starting to find myself struggling a bit more with my daily life. I know that I was ready to get something new going, and my motivation was dragged down with the constant feeling of fatigue going on. I believed that we were having another big wave of infection going on at the time and things started shutting down again. Guess what that meant for the workouts?

I thought that my metabolism would be good and I could endure, but I was wrong. Then when my mom got sick in October, it felt like so much was going on that I ended up missing more workouts. I’d like to say that I wish I was using this as an excuse, but I was literally calling off work and having to travel out of town to take care of things. It felt like life wasn’t letting up.

I didn’t waste all this time feeling sorry for myself though. I did write and film a short. I also embarked on a journey to get my personal trainers certificate. I just wish that life’s other plans wouldn’t have distracted me from what I needed to do.

So, I’ve gained about twenty-five pounds, I will destroy it, but it doesn’t just happen over night. I was also competing with a plateau that I was stuck on for well over a year. That being said, at least I haven’t given up on everything. I just hit a bump in the road, which I will over come. Plus once I get my personal trainer cert, I’ll be doing more activity as it is.

Now that I’m moving on to a new job, and I’m going to hopefully have a somewhat normal schedule, I’m thinking that I might find a training time that will fit me better. It was always hard putting in maximum effort, just to struggle through the fatigue at work. Now, maybe I’ll be able to go home, eat dinner, take a shower, and put myself to bed. I’ll be able to push more, which is something I sometimes struggle with doing during my workouts. Pushing myself was a far harder thing to do when I started two-and-a-half-years ago. I’ve gotten better at it, though I still find myself cheating sometimes. I just need to get into a better mindset again for it. I don’t want to be over four-hundred pounds ever again. I have to be more mindful with what I eat, and really think if I’m doing it because I’m hungry, or if it’s because I’m bored.

Remember to keep an eye out for the CK Project podcast. Here’s the link for our latest on anxiety https://anchor.fm/CkProject/episodes/How-is-your-anxiety-doing-during-the-pandemic-eoov62. We’re branching out, and will be doing more with the brand. Expect some videos in the near future as we continue to grow, and separate what form of media is presented and which subjects are touched in the various forms. Not all are the same. With that, I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.

Just Wow

As the year ends, I’m trying to keep the positivity up. It’s not always easy, because there was loss this year. Loss, that affected me personally. I’ve been in a strange state, and I’m not sure how I should be feeling. I know that I stated such in my last blog that talked about the death of my ex-wife due to Covid-19, but I think that it’s better that way. So, why would I title the blog Just Wow?

Dealing with loss, and a pandemic, plush some professional issues, has me shaking my head about so much in terms with the way life has been going. So, I’m trying to maintain my head up. It’s not always easy to do. I just know that I’ve been in a spot where people notice that I’m not my usual self. I feel okay over all, I just think that I’m considering the choices that are being put in front of me, and some of them are scary, because of the unknown that comes with it.

I’m in a place that I’ve been considering where I want to take the brands. I’m not going to get rid of them, I’ve actually been thinking of turning this into my full-time profession, and giving the whole entrepreneurial thing a real go. Wanna know a secret on that? I was pretty sure that I was going that way by the end of next summer anyway, depending on how this pandemic goes.

That brings me to where my motivation is. I’m motivated in getting in way better shape, however, it would seem that the pandemic is trying to thwart my plans. I got this, I just have to get creative, because of my work hours are about to get crazy with thirteen hour days. Which will have me putting in sixty-five hours in one week, and twenty-six hours on the other week. I just need to adjust, and also remember what it was like during the first few years when my schedule was something like this. I’ve been told that it’s only temporary because we’ve got people out due to concerns. Nothing like having seasonal things being thrown in with a pandemic on top, right? It makes life interesting.

On the brighter side of things, today is my three-year-anniversary of having the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, which means that it was three-years ago that I decided to make the jump and take some sort of control over my life again. It’s weird when you live in a body so long and it doesn’t feel like it’s your body. It would feel like I was living life through someone else’s space. There have been many ups and downs, but I don’t regret anything. As a matter of fact, my friend and partner in crime is going to have his done in just over a month. I’m both excited to see that he’s getting that help to get started, but nervous that he might have complications that I didn’t. I hope the mental part isn’t so difficult for him.

Staying motivated has been hard. I could come up with excuses, but I’m trying not too. I’m trying to adapt, and that’s where I’ve found challenges. Not only in the timing, but even my body being in the physical shape it is, needs to find something because it’s adapted to the training regime that I’ve been doing for this so long. Going through the ISSA personal training guide has taught me about the seven Grandfather principles has taught me about a few things about having to address these changes for progress.

Let’s face it, I was plateauing out for longer then I would like to admit, but I will progress past this, especially since I’m going to take this into my brands and that entrepreneurial spirit that I’ve been gravitating towards. My lifestyle and professional life should reflect each other, and while I’ve been working towards that, I know that it’s going to happen. I have that faith, I have that drive. It’s what my hustle has been going for the whole time. I’m ready to launch my brands on a bigger scale. It’s the fear of failure that has kept me hesitant from actually going forward.

We went to our new location at the branding house for our first meeting, and it was productive. It felt nice to have a professional space to work, and it was a great place to go and prepare for our major push. With that I also started my final process to get that certificate for my personal trainer license. There is so much more that’s going on, that’s part of the “next step”.

The Geekutural Experience is going to be getting some love and a bit of a diverse refocus, as our geek culture will be getting videos on game play, podcasts that will go over more on the subject of games. Plus we’ll be launching a digital new letter covering the other parts of entertainment and pop culture.

The CK Project, will be looking to get a non-profit for the health and wellness of people. It’s been a hard fought battle that I’ve endured my whole life, and I want to continue to show people that there are better options out there. I’ve come to the point where changing lives has given me so much purpose that it’s helped me keep positive. Positivity is the best way to go, because there’s way too much of the negative, and people trying to tear each other down. Look out for more podcasts and video content as well, as this mission keeps going.

Luckey Bom Films is the thing that will tie everything together. It took film school to help guide me unto this path in ways that I never expected. It ended up doing more for me than just showing me how to make a movie. It taught me how to present more things. It taught me about the importance of my brand. That’s the biggest lesson of all. That’s an important part to remember, your brand is what you are. It represents your character. Truth is, not everybody gives a shit on what their brand stands for, and that’s okay.

I’m trying to represent being positive, and a good person. I know I’m not someone everyone is a fan of, but I do my best to keep going in the best direction that I can. Do I fail? Of course I do, I don’t always make the best decisions. Sometimes I let my ego get the best of the situation.

Keep in mind that things can get worse, and as long as you’re breathing and above ground, it’s a good thing. as my year went from surprisingly okay to the plot twist of having to deal with loss, I’ve been doing my best to keep it together. I’ve had co-workers express interest in how I’m doing as I’ve not seemed like my normal self. I don’t really feel that the loss of loved one’s has changed me in any sort of way. I do feel that it’s pushed me to get somewhere better in my life though.

With that said, I do want to reiterate that I miss Smush, she was a good, loving dog. I don’t think that I had ever felt so much love from an animal since my childhood dog, Princess. I wish that I would have tried harder to have a relationship with my mother, I didn’t truly understand the love that she had for me until I was in Pennsylvania, and was told the stories and read the writing that she had about me and my siblings. As for my ex, Mariah, I’m sorry that she left this earth at such a young age, but with the health problems she was dealing with, I’m glad that she’s no longer suffering.

I will also reiterate what good has come of this year. Not going out to do the things I’ve come to enjoy over the years, I did find that I was spending less money, which in term helped us pay off some bills. Which in the end will give us more to actually invest in the things that we’re doing. I learned things about myself when challenged by my ideology. Through the loss of someone, I was able to connect with a side of my life that I never knew that I was missing. The last and biggest part of the positive things that have come out of this year is the fact that it’s pushed me to be more creatively driven, and I’m touring with a great team that will help elevate the products that we plan on launching with the new year, we’ll be constantly busy every weekend, bringing something out for you to consume and hopefully enjoy.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

2020, You’re Really Trying Me

As my last blog talked about my adventures in Pennsylvania, I need to continue on what some might consider a bit of a shit sandwich. As I was coming home from the airport LAX, I was graced with the news that my dog of eight-years needed to be put down, because she was sick and wasn’t getting any better.

What a way to capitalize an already emotionally charged time in my life. Ever wonder how much one person can endure? I swear that this year is just trying to break me, but I’m gonna be okay. I did cry a bit today as I was finishing updating my social media. Looking at a pic that I took of Smush a couple of weeks ago really got to me. This could be because I’ve either not fully processed everything, or it’s just now starting to hit me.

I know that I’ve still kept myself busy since being back. I don’t feel like I do a whole lot most days, but when you break down the stuff that I do keep involved in, I guess that I do keep busy. For example, I finished the blog that I had started on Friday, published it. I did a live video on Facebook, then I also worked on costuming for a character that’s premiering on a comedy that we’re writing. Plus I dealt with other movie business as well.

I don’t feel like it’s a whole lot as I didn’t study any of my personal training stuff until today, and I finished the chapter that I had working on for what seemed like weeks now. At least I have ten-days at home to concentrate and get some stuff done. That’s the price I had to pay, just to travel all across the United States.

Before I get off track, I should mention a bit more about my pug, Smush. She’s been my dog since we got her over eight-years-ago. I was the human that she claimed as hers. I’ve never had an animal that seemed so loving or dedicated as Smush. There’s going to be a place that seems to be missing in my heart. She was the best little pug, though a pain-in-the-ass at the same time. I’m going to miss her.

I swear to God that my keeping busy isn’t a way to avoid anything, but I feel like anytime away from trying to be creative seems to be a waste anymore. I play video games as a way to relax, or wake-up. I do the same with movies, unless I’m doing some studying as a filmmaker. Is it crazy that I still don’t feel like I’m doing enough? Has this become an unhealthy obsession?

I know that I had five-days-away from doing anything, besides family things, but man I feel like I’m either making up for lost time, or maybe I’ve got a renewed vigor. I know that as my group gets more and more into the projects that we’re developing, I want to do this as a full-time thing. I’m even excited that I’ll eventually be training people to become healthier, and I figure that at some point I won’t have to depend on other entities to be my boss.

That was always a goal I had in mind since I was old enough to figure out the kinds of things that I wanted to do when I became an adult. It used to be about me having my own music producing company, then it was on to having my own film company. These are blurring and becoming more like reality.

Everybody grieves differently, or so I keep getting told. Could this be how I grieve? By creating? By letting my ambitions to lead me in a different direction? I guess that I could have other vices that could be more destructive, yet here I am, choosing to create. I’m trying to make life more fulfilling. I’m not saying that what I’m creating is necessarily beautiful, but that’s in the perspective of the beholder. I’m just here to entertain, and enlighten. I’ve been told that I do both decently and I continue to improve, that is the goal over all. To improve.

I’m choosing to use the loss of my mother and my dog, as a way to inject something into my creative process. I’m going to show their love through whatever it is I’m doing. It’s my way of taking the negative and turning it into something positive. I feel that this shows where my personal growth has gone. As I’ve strived to improve myself, I find that the way I would react to many things have changed over time.

This Covid-19 pandemic has proved that I’ve changed my perspective on things. I’ve had friends complain on how this has inconvenienced their lives, and how they wish that live would quickly get back to normal. The way I look at this is that this has turned into an opportunity to grow, and learn. I’ve been fortunate to still be working, and it’s a blessing because I’ve taken the time to pay off debts, and right now I think that’s where a good focus is, because I’m trying to build something, and I need to make decisions that could potentially stop this type of income from coming in.

The risk versus the reward, has been something that’s been weighing on my mind for sometime now. Even today with the pandemic becoming bigger and more serious, it weighs on me even more.

Side note: This blog started several weeks ago and I am now getting back to it now twenty-days later.

Things have been crazy since I started this blog. One of those things that have been heading in the right direction is the fact that movie business has picked up an opportunity to have a place for a creative base for at least the little bit. Yet, November has just seemed to go by, and I took a bit of a mental break the last week or so.

With that break though I find myself getting back on track today with completing a couple of quizzes for my ISSA personal trainer certification. I’ve done twenty-two out of thirty-one quizzes so far. I need to have my CPR certificate, and I realized that I updated mine last year. So things are starting to look good again.

I should say that I’ve been changing the way that I eat, and I’m starting to feel better about my weight loss journey. This is the one thing that I’ve been struggling with. I’m not sure why I let myself get back into some of those bad habits, because I do feel better not being as big as I was. I’m not trying to let my mental state use food as a crutch, I promise that I’m not.

I guess that I should address my mental state a bit, because since I’ve been back to work I keep getting asked the same question everyday, by what seems like, everyone. “Am I okay?” I honestly don’t know how to respond more than I’m fine. I mean there’s been so much that has gone on over the last month, and even most of the year, I feel like I might have just skated by and gone through the motions. I really am in a place where I just don’t think that I’ve completely processed the events that have gone on, but I also just don’t feel like I really have anything to say to anybody. I don’t mean to seem like a dick, or that I’m ungrateful for the concern, but I just don’t feel like talking about anything, except to a few people and those people aren’t really any part of my usual circles as it is.

Truth is I’ve found something that has spoken to me, and I feel that it’s trying to lead me to a path somewhere on the opposite side of our country. I don’t know how to explain it, but Pennsylvania spoke to my soul. I connected to a part of my life that I never knew was missing before, and I’m eternally grateful for those who took time out of their lives to let me in, even for a brief time, or better yet, opened a bit more of a bond then just through text.

I have my goals here, that I’ll continue to pursue, but I also think that I want to take part of that and build it in Pennsylvania as well. I’m going to leave with those words, here, and now. I also want to say that while things haven’t always looked the best, and that I’ve tried to keep that silver lining going, I do have plans to show where my success is starting to show, it’s just going to take a bit of time, but all will be revealed.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

I Slipped

I suppose I should start out by saying that I finally weighed myself the other day. It said that I had gained about twenty-pounds. I’m not surprised, I’ve become more self-aware that I realized that I started going the wrong way. My clothes weren’t fitting quite like they used too. However, I’m not going to let that keep me down. I know what I’ve been doing wrong, as even if the pandemic has hampered some of the things I had been doing, I do realize that I have been, and will be doing all that I can to correct my path and get on the right track.

The hard part is that I’ve let the situations in life distract me from my goals. I know that the last couple of weeks seem to be testing me, but I’ve not let it keep me down so far. I need to get that focus back, and I need to not let life hold me back. I know it’s all about how I react to the situations in life. With me finally getting off of the nightshift, I feel that I’m starting to get back on track to that motivation that I need. Crazy part is that in the beginning, the shift took a bit to get used too, but I was doing well. Even with the bum ankle that I had for the longest time I was going strong.

Then I came down with a case of food poisoning. It took me out for a week, but on the bright side, it did give me the time to fully heal my ankle. The shitty part was that it seemed to take forever to get that motivation back. This was also during the first part of the pandemic for Covid-19. I kept working though, just couldn’t seem to keep getting my motivation going. It would seem that I had all-the-time-in-the-world, but the truth is I got distracted by other things. I got involved with a situation that started to put me into a depressive fog.

The issue with that depressive fog was that I didn’t realize what it was at the time, and it really lasted for way too long. The pandemic also ended up limiting my time with my personal trainer, and again, I wasn’t as motivated to work out. These things combined; and I’m just not being as active as I could be. I could look at this as a failure and say that I feel like giving up, but that would be too easy. I’m not going to let this hold me back.

Update: Since I started writing this blog the other night, I had gone to the emergency room, thinking that I might have had a kidney stone, however after seeing the doctor, he thought that I should get my gallbladder checked out. I haven’t gotten the results back since I just went in on Monday, the twelfth. I discovered since my lowest weight, I’ve only gained a little over eighteen pounds. I know that it could have been far worse than it was. Like I said before, I could let this keep me down, however I choose to allow this to be a teacher, and I’m getting the focus back that I need to continue on to my success.

One of those things about the weight loss journey is that there are many companies that want you to think that it’s a complete slope going down hill once you lose weight. As a matter of fact, many companies tend to market off this idea, to “sell the illusion” to convince you to buy their product. People tend to gravitate to the idea, as a quick fix.

I’ve struggled with weight my whole life, and to say that I’ve never tried one of those fad diets would be a lie. I mean they do work, to some extent, but the whole concept is too keep you on “their” diet plan for as long as possible. My journey hasn’t been a straight down slope, as a matter of fact, I’ve hit a plateau for a long time. I didn’t let it keep me down, however, I do need to get that focus back. The positive is that I’m not starting over, and that I have a place of reference now, more than I ever did before.

The strange part is that I saw this coming, and I knew how it happened. The incredible part is that I’ve never been so in touch with my own awareness. For the longest time, at my heaviest. it felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt like I was trapped in a body that wasn’t mine. Could this have ben a result of some trauma from my past? I think I might hit up one of my professional friends for some insight into this.

I think that this is part of that whole taking power back, and I know that I can do better, and will do better. I admit that I want to say that it feels like I let people down. I guess part of the transparency is the fact that we all slip and fall. The lesson is to get up and keep going. To quote the greatest storyteller of our time, Stan Lee, he would always use the word excelsior. If you look up the Latin meaning, it’s meaning is ever upward https://www.dictionary.com/browse/excelsior.

I think about the man, Stan Lee, and how his stories have impacted my life. It’s excelsior that seems to be something that’s hitting me more and more these days. I mean look at The CK Project, it’s about mental health, weight loss, improving one’s self. It’s about ever upward. It’s about pushing yourself in a forward direction.

I’m surprised that it hasn’t hit me as hard mentally as I would have expected, but then again, I think the fact that I’m staying busy keeps me from having those stupid thoughts from coming in. Don’t you hate it when your mind tells you those negative things? I have had this conversation recently with people that I care about. It sucks that we tend to self-sabotage ourselves of our potential, of our happiness.

I will say that it felt good to get a podcast the other day for The CK Project, https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA. We addressed World Mental Health, as it’s something that still isn’t always talked about. Plus, what ever we’ve been dealing with behind the scenes, is helping pump up my motivation, and we’re trying to set some new, reasonable goals. It’s all about finding a way for our work flow to be more effective.

Keep finding those things that make you thrive. Too much in this world seems to want to keep people down from living and being happy. Some people want to say that working and making money is living. I say that working and money is the way to survive. Being a motivational person, and a filmmaker is the way I live. For so long I let other people dictate to me what living was all about, and right now I can say that they’re wrong. You want to know the secret? Passion! That’s the thing that people should discover for themselves to survive, what they are passionate about.

I’m working on being more effective for those who follow my stuff, and I’m trying to diversify what content I do bring unto you. I know that we are making some strides in places that’s going to lead to some of the most incredible stuff that we can provide. I can’t wait to share all those plans, because next year is going to be a productive year.

As always, thanks for checking out the blog. Please like, and subscribe. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Winning with Failure

I recently applied for a job, that I thought I had in the bag. I was told why I didn’t get it, and I accept that. I had this feeling that it might not have been the way for my life to be headed. I was looking forward to working with one of my best friends, however, I think that I have to pressure other avenues.

I know that rejection is one of the hardest things for anyone having to deal with it. It keeps people from growing, and trying new things. The fear keeps people trying to keep things the same. People who have depression probably have it the worst, especially since the “darker times”, self-worth is at it’s lowest. I’ve been there.

Some people can’t handle criticism either, which is different than rejection, yet can at times feel the same. I know that from my own personal experience, I prefer criticism over rejection, as I’ve found that criticism makes for a great teacher for improvement. I guess that rejection can end up being the same kind of teacher.

At times, criticism can be hard to handle, especially if it’s something on the character of a person. I’ve had issues hearing about how stubborn that I can be. I mean, I know that I’m stubborn, I just don’t need it pointed out. All joking aside though, it’s about self-improvement. I think that my over compensation of insecurity by having an ego, was perhaps one of the hardest pills to swallow. I think this is my biggest downfall, as I’m stubborn, and usually don’t want to hear it.

All these criticisms and rejections can be a bit much to handle, yet as one to try and find a silver lining in most situations, I suggest turning the perspective around and really see where the improvement can be made. I was fortunate enough to know the person doing the job interview, and I didn’t take it personally, I just wanted to know what I could do to improve. That person told me, and now that I will do much better when I decide to pursue different avenues.

Remember that life has so many opportunities to grow. I’ve spent the better part of the last six-years trying to become someone better than I was. For the most part, I think that’s true. I still have my moments of doubt, which is funny because it hits a bit different now. I think the biggest thing that still gets me is that I have those days where I see myself at that four-hundred-and-thirty-pound person that I was.

I think that we are our biggest enemies. We criticize ourselves into thinking that we’re not good enough. We reject the notion that we’re worthy of anything good. I think that is where an inflated ego comes from, at times. I know that I went on doing that as a way to shield myself from the way I truly saw myself inside. Self acceptance was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

The way we think and realizing that we need to find a better way to view things is even harder. Our relationships, not only with ourselves, but with others can often be affected. I know people who “can do no wrong” and that “it’s everybody else’s fault”. That’s often the hardest type of person anyone can deal with. I’ll admit, that while I’ve grown to accept myself, I’ll even say that my relationship with who I am has improved, I wouldn’t want to actually hang around anyone completely like me. I have those friends, who do enjoy my company, and I’m thankful for that more than they’ll ever know, because I drive myself crazy at times.

I think that’s why my oldest and I clash at times. She is her “daddy’s girl”. I love her, because she’s smart, kind, and I feel that she’s probably a better person than I’ll ever be, but God damn, if she doesn’t frustrate me with her stubbornness. It’s her razor sharp wit that gets me. I find it to be one of the greatest things, yet I get frustrated because I would respond the same way at things. She’s got a passion that drives her interests in her life, and I couldn’t think of anything better.

I hope that by my example, that my children can learn to turn rejection and criticism into something positive. I hope that from my mistakes as a parent, they can become better than I ever was. I think that’s a desire that most parents have, to have their children become better, and do better than we ever did.

Coming back to the point of rejection, another way it cam be positive, is by rejecting our past selves. I reject the fact that I was an addict to self-medicating with food. I reject that I was close minded to other ideas and thought when I was younger. I get into my own head more often then I care to admit, but I reject being a prisoner there. I did so much damage to myself with an environment that tried to break me and end my life. The environment was inside my head. Yes, there were more factors coming from external negative energies, but I had to learn to process what was going on.

Update:

Since I started the final cut of The Driver Episode One: Handle Your Business, Mr. Ballenger(2020), I realized that failure really is something that can make us all better. I’m not saying that I failed at bringing it out, on the contrary, I just see that what I can do better, and we, as a company can do better. I believe that’s the way things should be no matter the circumstance that might happen in life. I call it finding the silver linings, I know that it might sound a bit of a cliche, however it’s the best way to help survive.

I know that’s how I’ve been coping with our current situation in life. I’ve heard so much about how people feel oppressed, and we should be able to do whatever we need to do for our own sanity and economy. I look at it like this. I’m not looking at the negative, I look at it like this: I’ve saved so much money since I’ve had to stay home. As a matter of fact, I’ve been able to pay off some of my bills during this time.

Yes, I miss going to the movies, and I miss going out of town to do window shopping or getting things that I can’t in my town, yet I have saved money. To me, it’s about finding where the priorities lie. I have family members that compromised immune systems, and I put my focus into other things, that have helped me tolerate my time at home.

I think working the nightshift helped me not worry about most of this pandemic, because I had not been wide awake most of the time being on a nighttime schedule. However, I had experienced some relaxed restrictions and did take a trip out of town a few weeks ago. It felt weird, and in a way that made me think that it wasn’t going to be normal in the way we used to have it. I think we’re into a point where we’ll be having a new normal once all is over.

In the end, we all need to look at the opportunities, especially the negative, and see if we can find a positive answer to all that we can get from this. Remember, I commonly use the ten-percent to ninety-percent ratio on how life’s out of your control, compared to how you react to it. Once that point of view is taken into consideration, it seems that life becomes that much easier to handle.

I know that the blogs are still lagging a bit, but I’m going to attempt to bring them out more often once again. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Life Gets Busy

I was working on the nightshift for the last eight-months, and for the last three-weeks, I’ve been fortunate to be on a better schedule with work. I like the swing-shift because it’s the only shift that doesn’t deal with four-in-the-morning. I hate that hour, and my son has referred to it as the farmer’s hour. He says that there shouldn’t be anyone up at that time of the day…unless you’re a farmer.

I get my full weekends back and to me that’s a glorious thing. Work goes by so much faster, and I’m getting back on a living schedule. My workouts are starting to get back to where they need to be, and I continue to study to get my personal trainers certification. I am busy.

As with everything else in life, things have taken unexpected turns, here and there. I had recently lost a long time associate of mine to Covid-19 related complications. She was my former pastors wife. Yeah, I have friends on both sides of the aisle when it comes to the opinion of if Covid-19 is real, and yes I’ve heard both sides of how deadly they think it really is, but the truth is, those who’ve said they don’t believe, haven’t had been affected by it themselves yet.

I don’t mean that contracting it is the only way, but by a family member. I’ve seen people change their opinion once something like that has happened to a cousin, or a grandparent. It’s sad that is what it all comes down to sometimes. Welcome to a reactive society, That’s not to say that I’m not at fault for being this way at times as well.

I hate going to the hospital, getting checked out. It’s inconvenient and honestly there are times that I’d rather not know. I’ve gotten better over the years about going when I have to, and not just tough it out. I also realize that I’m getting of the age where, I’m going to have to get more check-ups and have the more uncomfortable examinations done. I guess that’s part of the price for getting older.

I accept the fact that I’m getting older, after everything I went through, I’m a survivor. I almost wasn’t here six-years-ago. I almost took my own life. Why? Because I hated myself, and I had all this negative energy around me that I couldn’t breathe. Back then, I didn’t really believe in energies like that, but as I’ve gone on this journey, I’m believing in a lot more now than I ever used too.

That’s why I want to be positive. I’ve heard quoted often, What you speak, you put into the world. I don’t want to be negative, and I don’t want to be that guy who talks shit about people. I want to be better, and there are times that I’ve fallen back into bad habits, however, I try and continue to strive forward with growth.

One of those ways, was that I found a love of education, knowledge is something that helps me to continue on the path of personal maturity. I figured that with getting my personal training certificate, that it’s another notch that I can add to the CK Project. It’ll help me, help others, and I know that I want to specialize in bariatric weight loss. I kind of do that anyway, since people have been looking at the changes that I’ve gone through over the last several years.

I can’t believe that I had my surgery almost three-years-ago. It’s crazy on the journey that I’ve taken, so much has changed. Besides feeling better physically, mentally I’m better. My goals are more in focus, and confidence is up. This was the win, and yes, I would do it all over again if I had too.

That’s not to say that it hasn’t had down times. I mean I think that the recovery of my surgery was mentally one of the toughest things I had ever gone through. Honestly, even today, I have noticed that I’ve fallen back on a few bad habits. I think the biggest thing there, is the fact that I’m more aware of it, and I’m trying to break myself of those old habits.

I think the year 2020 has been a bit more of a train wreck for the world than most years. We’re dealing with a pandemic, a virus that not much is known about, and political/social events that’s changing the way I personally view people.

I know that we’ll come out of this, and we’ll get some sense of normalcy that people seem to be in desperate need of. I just don’t think that it’s going to be the normal everyone seems to be looking for. Why would I ever say that? Why would I wish that things wouldn’t go back to everyone’s definition of normal?

Remember I said that what you speak, you put into the world? That doesn’t mean that I’m trying to doom anyone to being stuck in this strange new life of social distancing, and “oppression”. I’m just trying to be realistic with my expectations. I know that this isn’t something that everyone wants to hear, yet that’s my feeling on the subject.

Life goes on, that’s something people should find comfort in. Even if this pandemic continues on for a bit longer, it will eventually be something that we’ll be able to deal with in a more productive manner. This has been a great time to reflect and get things done that needed to be done. Also with the odd things that have come with being stuck at home, it was a good time to try new hobbies that people might have wanted to learn. I know that I decided to get back into writing and developing things, and becoming busier with learning about the sciences behind personal training.

That’s something that I’ve been enjoying, yet it’s caused me to put my focus in several directions, and I don’t feel like I’m getting anything done anymore. Some of the stuff that I am learning has been kind of surprising that I should have already know some of it. The big thing is that finding out the different training styles to get the right effects for the training.

Side note: This blog has taken me a few days to get finished, and I’m not going to lie, it feels like I’ve used the whole life gets busy thing before. I’m going to try and not be like that from now on and keep posting. I’ve been struggling with getting everything in order since I got off the nightshift, and I’m still adjusting to the idea that I can get things done again. Eight months was so long to with the nightshift, and I’m still trying to used to actually getting content out as I will be getting more stuff done.

I’ve got a podcast on the brain, unfortunately, it seems that even our weekends have kept us from producing them. I will be doing on as soon as I can, I promise.

I think that I want to say a few things that we do have coming up with the content. As you all may know, I’ve been working on a project that I call The Driver, well it’s still in post production as I’ve been a bit busy with other things, and it’s not like we can really do a whole lot during the pandemic, however I’ve been meeting with my team, and we’ve been coming up with somethings that we think will have people entertained once we get the go ahead to producing. One of the projects is going to be a radio show that’s got off-the-cuff humor with improv, and while we’ll be putting it out as background content for our shared universe, we’ll be giving episodes out like a podcast, and we’ll keep the uncensored stuff for a Patreon type deal.

With that being said, this blog was long over due. The podcasts are long over due, so this is the director and that’s a wrap.

What’s Been Up?

So, I’ve been MIA for a bit longer than I really wanted too. I’d like to say that it was just because being on the nightshift is what’s thrown me of schedule, but it’s been way more than that. While I would get into detail, some of it has to do with family, and with respect to them, I won’t be discussing that part of it. However, I will discuss some of the effects that has been in the way of how I’ve been.

For the last several months, I’ve been in a depressive fog, that’s kept me unmotivated, and uncreative. I’ve felt the affects of that on more sections of my life than I would ever care to have be affected by something like that. Did I want to kill myself? No, but there were times that I was angry and I didn’t like the frustrations going on in my life. My workouts suffered, my content suffered, and my work moral suffered as well.

Now, perhaps you’d like to hear what’s the change in things? I’ve taken several steps in a new direction, one of those are that I’ve enrolled in the International Sports Sciences Association Certified Fitness Trainer Certification courses. This was something that I had been thinking about for awhile, and I think that the CK Project going in this direction is the right one. So that means that I’ll be official to train others and make money as part of what I’m doing.

This also means several other things, like the fact that I’ll be learning the details on how I can break the plateau that I’d been on for what seems like forever now. It also gives me the chance to sit down and learn about the sciences of working out, and how that does change the body, which has been interesting to learn about so far. Now I’ll be able to talk more about it and have science to back my claims. It’s funny on how spot on I’ve been on a few of those points since I came into certain realizations.

Getting back into the swing of studying hasn’t been easy, after all, it’s been a few years since I was a student, and now with me working on my brands, it’s dividing my attention, and my family seems to think that I can give them most of my attention, even when I’m squeezing it in before I go to work.

One of the bright sides to work is that I’m just a week away from actually being off of the nightshift. While my intention was to get a bit of extra money to help pay off bills, which it has, as of the last several weeks, it’s seemed to be a struggle to get through. After next week, I will be on the ideal hours that I like. The other advantage that being on nights is that I was less exposed to the potential of getting Covid-19. Did you know that the nineteen is because that was the year it was discovered? Though I also had to take off almost two-weeks because I thought I had contracted the virus for a bit. I’m glad the test came back negative.

The pandemic has put some restrictions on us, and my eating habits had gone a bit down hill. My exercising motivation had gone down hill a bit too. Yet here I am, getting ready to get back in the game and return to kicking ass. Here are a few observations that I’ve picked up over the last couple of years: I rather do my exercise and training in the mornings. It helps get me going through the rest of my day that way. It helps that it also gives me time to recover throughout the day. It doesn’t make the rest of my day go easier though, as I push out my best efforts in the morning. I’ll just have to get back into the swing of things and not let myself have those late night meals that have kept me going this year. Plus, I’ll finally get back to a schedule that I’ll have a better sleep pattern. Since being on the nightshift, I’ve honestly slept like shit. Four-hours-a-day is about what I’ve been averaging, and that’s including my weekends as well.

Now here’s the kicker about my observations, I notice that I’m most creative when it’s evening time. I think I start getting more creative around five-o-clock. I remember working the dayshift, and coming home to eat dinner, ignoring television, and getting to work at my desk. That’s my outlet, and believe me, I’ve got more to say on that subject, especially with the latest project I’ve been working on.

The Geekultural Experience has probably been the one brand that’s suffered the most this year. I mean without being able to actually go to see the movies at the theater, or going to comic book conventions, it’s really limited our interactions. Quarantine hasn’t helped either because our large get togethers haven’t been able to happen. Although we did see Bloodshot on demand and it was a decent movie. I’m happy to support superhero movies, especially when it’s not Marvel or DC. Valiant has some decent titles, and I would love to see their brand get a bit more exposure.

Now, while we’ve got certain restrictions placed on us, surprisingly enough, Luckey Bom Films has actually had a pretty productive summer. While we were supposed to originally be filming Unexpected Side Trip, quarantine has prevented that from happening. I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to do anything, and with my motivation down, we didn’t do much at first. Then I came up with a no-budget idea, and decided that we would work with an even smaller crew and film something easy. Once we did that, and I had gone over the footage, I had decided that we should redo it and and make it better. We made a short called The Driver, and it was something that put me in front of the camera as well, as behind the camera stuff as well. The family was involved, and they did well on their parts, while Sarah was an assistant director on that, we were a team.

The thing about this project, was that it was originally supposed to be a one-weekend-deal, and we’d put it out. I had edited the original as a concept so that people could see what it was that I had been working on, and it’s been received quite well. Yet, I wanted to continue, and as we reshot it and I rewrote it, I just wanted to produce something better. We did well with a small team, and it was a great way to get the practice in for when we do bigger productions. I’ve turned this one-weekend-project, into something that’s going to continue for several stories, and turn it into a web series.

Now that things have gone differently than I had foreseen, the depressive fog has lifted, and I’ve been going full speed with so many things. We’re building on the brands, I’m trying to get myself in a better professional position while I’m trying to make the brands legitimate businesses. I’ve also seen some of the film crews talent grow and find unexpected positions in their jobs, that will make things flow so much better in the end.

I wish I could have said that this was a smooth year, and everything was great, but it’s been kind of rough on everybody, and I’ve seen an ugliness come out of people that I thought were better than what they had shown. It’s a sad part of life, but it’s a reality we all must face. At least I’ve not given up, and I sure as hell hope that you’re not giving up. We got this!

Any way, I’ll try and not be so long away again. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Wear Your Damn Mask

So, I had been feeling very tired for the last week, and my breathing has been a bit labored. Yesterday morning, I got tested for Covid-19. As someone who’s not gotten very sick since I lost so much weight, that this was concerning. Unfortunately, I have to wait ten-to-fourteen-days until I get my results. The reason that I had noticed anything was that my eldest had mentioned to my wife that she had lost sense of taste and smell.

As I thought about it, I had noticed that I had been tired while getting closer to the time that I would go to work. I thought that it was just because I sleep like shit anyway. That’s been something that has been going on my whole life any way. Nightshift doesn’t really help anything as it is. Then I started noticing other things like a headache on a regular basis.

The other thing that got me was that I noticed that my breathing wasn’t normal. You know how it feels different breathing while you’re sick? That the air just doesn’t seem to go through as easy? Well, that’s exactly as I’ve been feeling.

Now the sad part is that this pandemic is very real. I’ve known several people personally to have had it. People at my work as well, but the real issue is that somehow it’s become political. While I usually try to avoid politics, when I involve the CK Project, I do have somethings to say on this subject. The sad part is that I have people on both sides of this argument.

Look, I get that wearing a mask “seems” to infringe on your “freedom”, but let’s face fact, all the conspiracy theories and how you’re not going to be a “sheep”, just makes you come off like an asshole. Seriously, doctor’s wear masks for hours at a time in an operation room, you really think a thirty-minute trip is going to kill you?

Oh yeah, it’s a political ploy so by November, it’s just going to disappear. Look, the numbers aren’t exactly matching up, and it’s “not that bad”, and I get that, but it’s still early in the process. Hell, we’re probably close to a year into the exposure to Covid-19, is it comparable to the Spanish Flu? Well, that did last over two-years, so those stats are final, this isn’t.

The worst part about all of this is, are that mistakes are being made and the numbers aren’t to be trusted. Why? Again because it’s political, and I’ll say that money being involved with the stats, kind of keep it political as it is. I mean, the “mighty dollar” is what runs everything. So, we’re getting fucked because of it.

I’m scared, and not for myself, but for my family members because their immune systems suck. My oldest, probably got it, and it wasn’t like she was out being stupid about things. I know my kid, and she’s gonna do all she can to stay safe. Yet you have people pulling their masks down and coughing without covering their mouths(and yes, that’s a jab at that old guy at Walmart who coughed like that as I walked by).

I get why people have doubts though. It’s easier to deny the unknown, and let’s face it, people aren’t very good at dealing with life and death matters as it is. It’s so much easier when someone doesn’t have anyone they know involved, however, that narrative is starting to change. I’m seeing people start to give the warnings a bit of credence. The sad part is that if the ‘self-entitled freedom fighters” would have listened in the first place, we probably wouldn’t be dealing with the epidemic anymore. However, people are, well they are self-interested. I’ll leave it like that.

So here I am, off work for fourteen days. I tried to avoid coming in contact, however I had to get things during this time, and it was a matter of time with working during this whole thing. On the bright side, I was able to work on post production for The Driver.

It’s only test footage at this time, and it’s been great practice for myself and my crew. Visually, it’s helping me mold my character, and the visual part of the storytelling. We’ve reshot this so much and it’s been fun, and now that I can see that it’s helping me mature as a filmmaker. It’s giving Sarah sometime behind the camera as assistant director, as I’m doing both directing and acting. I’m having fun with it.

So, I’m doing all that I can to make the best of what I can, when I’m not sleeping that is. I’ve slept so much since I’ve been off, it isn’t even funny. My sleep schedule is even more shitty as it is. I’ve been averaging about three hours a night, when I go to actual bed.

With that being said, I think that this will be it for now. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Did You Say You Needed Help

Part of my journey has been self-improvement, and the whole of my journey has been to help others by using my example to show others that there’s always hope. Lately, I’ve been talking to someone who seems to be at wits end, and I asked them to listen to my podcast, and read some of my blogs(Yes, it’s a bit of shapely promotion). I was told that my podcast was informative, and that I “write well”. These are things that I humbly take as a compliment, and it shows me that I’m on the right path when it comes to some of the things that I’m doing.

This person deals with grief and depression, which is something that I can connect with. I suggested that blogging was a great way to help work through some of those traumatic things that would be plaguing them. I think the more a problem is talked about, the less impact it has in our day-to-day lives. This has been true for me, and I’ve seen it in others. I wonder if this is why psychiatrists have you talk them out? I’ll have to ask a friend on that.

A common issue that I’m finding is that people don’t seem to know where to turn. Some have seen help, and it’s actually been successful. I’m an advocate for seeing professional help to get through the tough times. I understand where some might consider it viewed as looking crazy, and that’s where things get hard. People don’t want to be viewed as crazy, so they’ll try to handle their problem on their own. I speak from experience on this, as I also didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems. Yet, the problem never goes away. It just keeps building, and getting worse until all control is lost and suicide or some other extreme action is taken.

I’m personally glad that I got help. I just didn’t know where to turn, and I was glad that it got forced upon me at the time. In this case, I’m glad someone has asked me on something that might help them get through dealing with the trauma. I just said what seemed to work for me, because I’m by far not a professionally trained person in this. I’m just glad that I can help, and I can usually point someone in the right direction for professional help.

I think one of the hardest parts when dealing with seeking professional help is that insurance doesn’t always cover it, and my guess is because mental health is still a bit of a taboo subject. I see that things are getting better at being accepted, or maybe it’s because it’s a niche area that I’ve found that’s showed support. It’s amazing how supportive this sect of people are. It’s also somber to see those how do have it worse than I have. I found myself looking at it and thinking that I need to find a way to get things right, because there are people who have it worse.

That’s what makes people unique. The way we deal with things, and how we choose to handle them. I know that I don’t always have my shit together, but I am trying to grow as a person, and learn how to get my shit together. That’s part of why I do help people, because it helps with a sense of satisfaction to know that I could positively help someone else out. That being said, with how I feel about those who do have it worse, I have realized that the few on worse, is relative to my experience, and not everyone can see that.

I know I’ve said that ego is our worst enemy, and I think it applies to any situation that comes up. Ego, can stop people from seeking the help that they need. Remember, that most people don’t want to be viewed as “crazy”.  Ego is the number one, relationship killer as well. It’s “never” my fault, that things are going wrong. Funny how much that’s being seen these days, even on a larger public scale. Yet, it’s ego that draws people in. I’m not going to say that it’s not something I’ve never experienced. I’ll call myself out and say that I have an ego, I’m learning to get past it, but if you ask some who are close, they’ll tell you that’s a lie.

This is one of those things that people have to learn to get past to get themselves the help they need. It took me a long time to realize that ego was getting in my way of getting the help I need. Ego was the thing that was holding me back from growing as a person, yet, I’m trying my best to help build people up, and improve themselves. Is it successful? Sometimes, and yet there are times, that I’ve had to be real and tell people to drop their own ego to realize what’s going on.

I have a longtime friend, who always seems to think that life is shitting on them, and that they feel that they need a break everything. Being friend’s with me isn’t easy because I keep it real, ie, if their being a dumb ass, I’m gonna tell them that. Sometimes having that truth can help correct the path that’s being taken. I’ve gotten several, “you’re right, I didn’t realize..” from that person. Again, ego can get in the way.

I’m trying to help, yes, it’s an ego thing. I think I realize this as I write this blog right here. I have always had this inclination of having a “white knight” mentality. I try to save the world, and it’s backfired on me more than a handful of times. I think the change in my approach came when I figured that I needed to show myself as an example and let people reach out asking for some guidance. I know that being open isn’t easy, I know that I’m getting judged on it. Maybe that’s where the ego has gone, in a different direction. I’m not perfect, I’m not the best, but I do try to make some sort of difference in life for the betterment of my fellow humans.

It’s surprising that people have received my openness, and given some of them a voice for themselves. Does it stroke the ego? I think there are days that I feel satisfied that I’ve been able to be a tool to help people. So, yeah, maybe it does a little bit, but I’m not up in anyone’s face about it. I figure that there are enough shitty people out there, that I hope not to be one of those people, and just want to help anyway I can. Those who do show the support, I thank you, it’s humbling that one: you’re paying attention, supportive or not. Two: Some of those have come in my defense when I’ve been questioned about my motives, that’s even more humbling. I’m in awe of those people in my life. Three: Those who do support me, help make it worth pushing through the doubts, and the unmotivated times. Yeah, it’s because the ego knows they’re watching.

To those who continue to support me, thank you. To those that have reached out for help, thank you for trusting in me to help guid you in the right direction. It gives me joy to know that I can be counted on with something so personal. I’ve found that after someone I had known briefly, had taken their life, had changed me fundamentally.  Maybe that is where the ego changed? I’ve learned more about being self-aware and it helps.” I have a problem, and this is where my problem lies”, I think this is a step to growth.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Realigning Priorities

With society being on various forms of quarantine, those who stay home have mentioned things about learning a new skill, or finishing some sort of project that has been worked on, but never finished. I’m realizing that I need to start working on some of those things as well. I still have to work, and being on the night shift doesn’t make my motivation for the waking hours any easier.

I realize that I need to work on stuff that I’ve been working on, and I need to practice skills that I’m still in the early stages of getting better at. On the plus side, I’ve low-keyed gotten a few things done here and there, so I’ll take that as a win. The fact that I’m putting out blogs one to two times a week seems to align with the things I tried to do the last time I was on the night shift. I know that there were a few months that I didn’t seem to have much going on besides staying awake, but I’m going to do my best to keep providing the content. This is both for the purpose of being a creative person, and my mental sanity.

It feels like I don’t have enough time to do anything, except the physical activity that I do throughout the day.  Truth is, I have all these things that I have on the back burner, and I don’t want that to be an excuse, however sometimes I think that I try to take on too much and that’s why I tend to get stagnant when actually getting something out. Man, I also have this plethora of ideas being churned around in my head about this whole Coronavirus ordeal. In fact I think I have come up with a few story ideas, that I think I’ll start notes on here in the next few days.

This situation has also made me realize that I want to start keeping in better contact with those who I actually want in my life. I’ve been reaching out too those that I actually find to be important to me, and hope that I can keep the solid bases for the relationships I have. Doesn’t it bother anyone to want to do more with friends, and find that life has gotten too busy, or that we’ve become too distracted for communications? I know that I’d like to blame it on the fact that I’m too busy doing things all the time, but the truth is, I’m easily distracted.  What is the distraction, you might ask? Video games, movies, social media.

That last one kind of skirts the edge of a complicated relationship, not for just me, but I’m sure there are plenty of others who might relate. I know people like to keep up to date with what’s going on with who. Have we just gotten to the point where we want to know everyone’s business? Has it always been that way? So, there comes the other question: What about you, Chris? Why does social media distract you so much? I know that my view of social media changed after I started going to film school. I also know that my reason’s behind why I do social media has changed quite a bit.

I used to feel that I wanted to share every problem, opinion with everyone. Yes, it’s still true, but I do things a bit differently. I mean I would complain online about work, relationships, etc.. I would also celebrate the triumph and happy stuff too. How is that different than what I’m doing now? Social media is about promoting my brands. That’s what it’s about for me. Part of what it is, using my experiences to show people that there’s a better way, that the thoughts of depression and suicide aren’t always the final answer.

I’m about uplifting, encouraging, seeing others succeed. Watching others succeed in something I wish I was successful at isn’t always the easiest thing too endure. I’d love to be making the incredible content that I see some of my friend’s doing. I’d love to have that job that pays me to do what I actually love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my health and wellness brand, that’s where I find the most success as it is, with the most response. I’d just like my film company to be making something all the time, and I’m sure we’ll get there at some point in the future, it’s just hard to see others take that train to glory town sooner than expected.

I knew that I would end up running into a stump along my path, as I have a few times. It’s not uncommon or unexpected. I knew that putting this burden on myself, would be an undertaking, but I also knew that it would help keep my mind busy, which is a good thing.

One of the bright and consistent things, while I haven’t completely been motivated to workout, I haven’t done too bad otherwise. I’m still getting in workouts, even if they’re not always as intense as I usually do when I workout with Sam. I’m not feeling a shrinkage of any of my clothing that I wear day-to-day.

That’s one of those weird things about my  weight loss journey so far, that I’m in-between  sizes for somethings. I wear an extra-large to a two-x in shirts. I was up to a five-x for the longest time. Now I can wear large shorts, sometimes an extra-large in shorts depending on the make.

I didn’t ever consider that would be in anything under a three-x. So, I’m happy about the work that I’ve put into myself. I’ve also started working on getting to the point where I can do a hand stand, while I’m not there, I think that’s one of the next goals that I’m looking to achieve. This might take sometime, but I know that it’ll be worth it. I think I want to get into parkour at some point in the future. That’s one of those things that Assassin’s Creed(2007) had gotten me interested in.

I can’t believe that I’ve been living this new life for almost two-and-a-half-years now. I have no regrets, and I do think that I wish that I would have made that decision earlier to have the surgery, but I think that I had been in a kind of limbo from the end of 2013 and I was just actually understanding how to come back from it in 2015. It took the instance of actually coming to the realization that I could meet my maker in 2017, that gave me the view of needing to be reborn.

That is exactly what I’ve done, and I have the cognitive view to see how I’m changing. It’s something that I still see, and the realizations coming with that. I’m in the process of dealing with my past and self abuse. I’ve still got a long way to go, and I hope that I can figure it out.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, as it does deal with me as a whole, coming from focusing on my weight loss journey, and my mental health. Things are going well,  considering everything going on in this world. Remember to subscribe, and leave comments to help make this whole thing better and help me to keep improving my content. That’s the director, and that’s a wrap.