Push To Not Give Up

Our minds can be our greatest strength, but it can also be our worse enemy. I also know that this has been a subject that I’ve been touching on quite a bit recently. It’s just part of the journey, as I continue on building a better self. At least I haven’t given up on the path yet.

Moving forward, I weighed-in yesterday. Being in a place of self doubt, and not thinking I’ve been doing vary well, I was glad to see that I hadn’t let myself get out of control. The scale came in at 293.9. That’s a five pound loss since my last weigh-in. My BMI is at 42.2, which is great to know that I’ve lost about twenty percent of my body mass.

I’m kind of in an odd spot where I’ve had to get smaller equipment to wear for work, the stuff I’ve been wearing is getting way to big on me, yet one size smaller is still a bit too small for me. I did notice last week that the belt I wear was starting to fit better though. I also realize that now’s the time I actually get myself some new uniforms.

All I can keep telling myself is to just keep pushing forward. It’s always hard to keep that on the forefront of my mind, but it’s worth it. A misstep isn’t the end of the world. I think that’s the biggest fear…to just loose control and end up back at square one. Maybe that’s my check point, and what keeps me going. That fear of being like I was, with no will power, and no self control. I don’t want to feel the way I used to feel. I’m liking my new outlook on life.

Going back to the weigh-in though: I’m down 136 pounds. It feels good, no, it feels great. My next goal to hit is 270, and I know that isn’t so far away of obtaining. I’m now at a weight that I was before I got with my wife Sarah. It feels great, and that was over eighteen years ago. If I hit below 270, that will be a weight I haven’t seen in over twenty years. As I say and think it, a feeling of amazement comes to mind. I can’t even begin to grasp the concept of me being less than fat. While I’m no longer considered morbidly obese, I’m considered severely obese.

I guess that it’s a down grade, but it still feels negative to be considered that. I know that I have a long way to go before I’ll be considered healthy, but I’m getting there. That’s the mentality that I need to keep: I’m getting there. So, that should be one of my new hash tags- #Imgettingthere . A mantra to follow, and keep me going.

I saw a hash tag on Facebook the other day that I think I’m going to also start using: #itsokaynottobeokay. I think that it speak volumes especially since it still seems taboo to talk about mental health issues. I’m glad that I took up the mantle to be a voice for mental health awareness. It was sad when there was people that I knew had taken their own lives, and that’s part of why I do it. That and I have family members who also suffer from depression and I love them, and want them to have a long and wonderful life.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

Cheat Day

So, I felt like I didn’t do as well as I could have this weekend. Hell, I felt like I almost blew my hard work. I had some chips, and I snacked a bit more than I should have; at least that’s how I felt.

I also didn’t quite get the steps in for the weekend that I planned on. However, I’m pretty sure that I’ll be okay, because today. So, I cheated a bit this weekend, at least I’m determined not to be that way. I need to remind myself that I really shouldn’t have a cheat day, because it becomes a slippery slope unto other bad habits that I’ve tried to forget.

All this on top of the fact that I’ve been feeling a bit weird lately, and I’m not sure how I should be reacting to dealing with everything. I’ve got sick kids, and a wife who maybe coming down with a serious disease, and in the end, I’ve still got to keep my shit together.  I hate having my moments of weakness because it makes me feel like a failure, even when I’m not.

The think that I’ve got going is that I’m exploring more of digital special effects, and that’s making me feel better. I’ve had a good weekend, with friends, even though my kids are now really getting sick. Plus, it’s Labor Day weekend, which gives me four days off.

The leaps and bounds that I’ve gotten with Adobe After Effects…..

 

Update 9-8-18:

So, while I started this blog on Monday, I’ve been sick and dealing with life. I was able to go to my personal training session on Tuesday, and I killed it. It gave me the confidence I felt that I was lacking when I started the blog on Monday. Unfortunately, a few hours later, a sore throat and fever hit me hard and took me out for a couple of days.

Because of that, my week went to shit, sort of. As of now though, I am better. A few days of rest was something that I needed. It sucks when the body aches and the head is a bit fuzzy.

Today, we people in the small town of Ridgecrest had our annual Parade of a 1000 Flags. It’s a day to remember those we lost in the tragic events of September 11th, 2001. We as a family have been involved with the parade in various ways. We’ve walked with each of the kids schools, we’ve walked with the Boy and Girl Scouts, and have walked with the Autism Awareness group in town. Last year, we walked with our brother and sister geeks for The Geeks of The IWV. Today was a milestone as The CK Project made its public debut this year.

For the parade this year, we decided to make the letters white, to make it stand out when being represented. The letters pop a bit more. It’s limited, and it’s the start of us taking control to actually do our own merchandise. I wanted to have a simple basic look this time to represent the fact that The CK Project wants to show the beginnings of something new.

The normal blue for the letter’s represents hope. Yes, I picked that up from a comic book, and I think that hope is something that tells where the mission starts for myself personally. Dealing with my weight loss journey, and my mental health has inspired me to try and inspire others, with the hope that people find the answers that they might be looking for.

There’s been too many people lost to depression and suicide, and I wonder if they knew that they could have someone to reassure them that everything would be okay; if they would have made another choice. It gets better, and I’m the first one to admit that my head space hasn’t always been positive, and I’ve felt the bitter feelings of feeling trapped with no place to go. The thing I gained the most? I survived, and anyone who feels that shadow of doubt should be able to be reminded that they too can survive and it will get better.

Life is getting better, I’m going to be doing my weigh-in update tomorrow, and take the boy child to the gym to get our exercise on. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Hello, Loneliness…

I’ve found myself in a strange place lately. I’ve been feeling kind of alone, and yet I’m around people most of the time. Before you get all panicked, I haven’t been depressed…just felt alone. With that, I’ve been kind of stuck in my own head most of the time, and the writing has become slowed down a bit. I’ll be fine because I haven’t had any negative thoughts lately.

My weight loss journey has seemed to hit a bump, as I’m not losing like I was, but that could have been a moment of circumstance that has thrown me off. It isn’t the first time, and I know it won’t be the last time. It’s just crazy when I have all these things going on that now I would start feeling a sense of loneliness, because I know I’m not, and I have a great support system. Hell, I honestly think that it’s gotten better as I’ve gone along.

I’m reconnecting with long time friends, who I really like being around, they’re just chill people, and be told that I’m a trusted companion, makes me feel pretty damn good. I’m glad that I’m viewed as a chill individual, and laid back. It’s something I’ve tried to perfect for some time. Most of my adult life I was angry, and I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore.

Again, all of this is just my mind trying to test me, or my depression. I know that I’ll get through it because I’ve got too much actually going my way. It just sucks when I go somewhere and start feeling like I did something wrong, even if I didn’t. That’s how my brain works, and it’s a difficulty that I’ve felt with most of my life.

On the bright side, I am starting to run, or at least jog again. I need to work on endurance as well as strength. The goal is to eventually get a mile and a half run in about seventeen and a half minutes. I’m sure that I’ll get there, but I still think like a fat person. I’ve been told that is something that may never go away. It’s almost ironic that the thing I’ve been trying to escape, still is a shadow in my life. I mean, I know that I can do more things, and I am doing more things, but sometimes, it’s hard to get past the fact that I was overweight and poorly out of shape for so long that my movement was limited.

My quality of life has gotten so much better. I’m mentally, physically, and spiritually better. Yet those demons try to bring me down at times. At least I have tools in my tool kit that helps with coping with these downward trends. I’ll eventually ride this out, and I’m not too worried.

I can’t believe that it’s been nine months since my surgery. Fall is going to be here soon, and the holiday season. I guess that’s going to be the real challenge this year. The goodies that comes out during the commercial time of year. Egg Nog, cookies… well, I’m actually good about not having cookies, and I don’t think that Egg Nog is going to feel good on the stomach this year. Let’s see how the cold effects me this winter as well.

I’ve discovered that I can do things that I hadn’t been able to do in years, so I’m excited to add a few exercises to the regiment as I work out on my non-personal training days. It’s been a joy taking my son with me and teaching him to work out. One of the things that I discovered that I can do is about a minute-twenty at a four point five speed on the treadmill. I’ll take that as a win as well.

Next weekend is the parade that the CK Project makes is official public debut. I’m excited that we’re finally getting that going, as well as that we’re getting ready to announce that we’ll be taking a political stand for the LGBQT community. Let’s just say that we’ve been active in helping to establish a festival for the community for next year, and Luckey Bom Films, along with the CK Project are going to be doing a documentary on the whole process. It’s going to be a learning experience, as we become more involved with the process.

Anyway, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

“With A Little Help From My Friends”

An amazing part of a good support system can be found in your friends. This is usually a fine line to skate because you don’t really know who your true friends are until the rough times come along. There’s been a few times where I’ve been in a shitty spot, and I’ve seen who my real friends are. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve not always been the best person, to some of my friends.

I still associate with people who only seem to hit me up when they need something. It’s sad that they don’t always just want to say hi, and se how I’m doing, but I’m always hoping for the best in people, and sometimes that’s my down fall. That reality hits when trying to help someone better their situation, but then they don’t take the assistance. Often times that becomes a hard pill to swallow, as I’ve realized that I can’t save everyone.

Then the often tragic results end with showing waisted potential and a future of promise getting flushed down the toilet. Hard pill to swallow indeed. I guess that happens to be because I read too many comics, and I might have a white knight in shining armor….I really don’t know, but I want to help people.

The best feeling is when people reach out and tell me that I’ve been an inspiration to them. I’m glad people decide to better themselves. It’s rewarding to hear that people see that I can do it, and they want to have that same feeling of accomplishment. I think it keeps me, or hell, it probably puts me in a place to be humble. That’s something I hadn’t always been. I used to have this feeling of entitlement, and that I was owed something. I can’t even remember why I was that way, or how things changed….

The best feelings that I’ve been getting since my surgery is when people seem to not recognize me. Having a sense of humor, there’s often banter about how I need to get smaller clothes because what I’m wearing is looking way to big on me. It’s rewarding to know that other’s pay attention to my work, and cheer me on. It’s an even better feeling that my own personal feelings on how I’m starting to feel in my body.

I had a friend go through the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy  surgery a couple of days ago. I’m proud of the progress she went through, even before the surgery. Her name is Terri and her blog is https://changingtodaytolivetomorrow.wordpress.com. We meet in October of last year at a Society of Creative Anachronism event called Great Western War. She’s a sweet lady, and amazing cook! With us both being heavy set, we found common struggles, and we also geek out together a bit.

I’m giving huge shout outs to the people who are looking to better their health, and being told that I was apart of that decision, makes me happy. For those who are doing this, I have a project for you: Send me your before pics, and send up follow up pics so that people can join in and be apart of your support system. I’m going to be one of your biggest advocates, and I come with a shit ton of people who I’m sure will be willing to get behind your progress.

Even if you don’t feel comfortable about documenting your own progress, if you want- I’m willing to help out there. This weight loss journey has changed my life around so much, and I’ve grown as a person and so many positive things have happened because of it. It’s amazing, you’re amazing, and this will be the most amazing journey that you’ll ever take! I got you there.

If you want to get the kind of exposure that I’m getting and are doing something to get yourself out there, send me a message and I’ll do all I can to help boost your signal too. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Under 300!!!

I feel great, scratch that, I feel fucking amazing. I went in for my eighth month check-up down in Tarzana yesterday, and weighed in at 299.6. That puts me down 130.3 pounds. Plus, the doctor asked if West Medical could use me as an example, because I seem to be doing everything right. I even told the doctor that I blog about my experiences with the weight loss journey, and my depression, and he thinks that it’s good. He says that it’s best to hear from someone who’s actually gone through the process over having the doctor talk about the science aspect of it.

I find that this is a good way to promote the CK Project brand. This and the fact that we’ll be making our public debut next month at our local parade for September eleventh.  I feel that finally time is starting to really pay off for my presence locally. Hard work pays off, and that is something that has been true for me over the last several years, as I’ve started to embrace that change.

I’ve never been a shy person, and I’ve always liked to talk to people. Now, I’m embracing a side that looks to network, and I’ve been having so much positivity around me that it gets surreal sometimes. I think my insecurities has always been my biggest enemy, and hill to climb. Self doubt will sabotage you every single time. I know that it’s gotten to me and has been very destructive in some of the relationships that I’ve had throughout the years.

Yesterday, I made another revelation: I’m starting to feel that I’m getting the body that I’ve always pictured that I should have. I don’t feel  trapped in the fat body I used to have, and I’m going to keep progressing until I get down to the weight I feel best at. I feel that both my personal and professional relationships are benefiting from this change as well. I interact with people better, and I think that I’ve become a better parent from it as well.

Now that I’m finding my groove again, I’m able to get the creative side flourishing again, and I find that with school starting back up on Tuesday for the kids. Everything’s going to feel different. The year 2018, has been my year. I’ve had so much more with success than I have with failures. Even if I didn’t get that job that I worked hard towards. I figure it was leading somewhere better for me anyway. It’s at the very least pushed me in the direction to start pushing out the content like I wanted too.

I finished my rough cut of my short the other night, so now I’m going to go back into it and trim it up, find a better pacing so that I can throw it into After Effects and add a bit of special effects to it. Than I’ll go back and add the sound, then do a title screen and credits. The Reunion was fun, but I’m looking to film more movies where there’s more movement and action to it. I love this part of my life. It seems to give me a better purpose than I had previously, and the fact that I can share with friends and family is a huge plus.

I’ll have so much more for everyone soon, because we’re investigating another avenue for our brands. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Farther I Go

This was a good week for my personal training sessions. I was kicking ass/ getting my ass kicked down with my coach Sam. This was a decent week as I know that next week the kids go back to school, and I’ll be able to put more focus on my mornings before work. The best thing was Tuesday I weighed in at the gym at 302.3 lbs. I know that my weight loss has slowed down, but I’m happy that I’m that much closer to getting too 300 even. That puts me at 137.6 lbs down so far. It’s amazing to see how far I’ve come in such a short time.

Tomorrow, I have my eighth month check-up and I’m excited to get it down. It’s crazy to think that this year as flown by so fast. I’ve grown so much, hell I think I hit another level in maturity with this as well. I look back and can’t begin to really think about how I let myself get out of control with my life. So, the surgery gave me another chance at life, and I wish I would have been that strong many years ago.

Ego is being replaced with real confidence, and I can’t begin to tell people how humbled I’ve become with the out pouring of support. The weight loss has shown me the kind of people I have in my life, and I’m so thankful for the words of encouragement. As a matter of fact, I was informed this week that The CK Project is going to be marching with our local Parade of a Thousand Flags. I’m glad that Sarah’s pushing to get the brand out, and I’ve got people who’d like to march along our side, and show their support to what the project stands for. Some of them are people that I’ve motivated to change their lives…again, it’s a humbling experience.

This week was productive as I had the chance to finish up a rough cut of the short film we shot last weekend. It is most defiantly short, but it was so much fun to do. I’m blessed to have an amazing crew, and cast. Plus this is the job I was built for, I can tell because I’m happy doing this stuff.

I think that while we start pre-production on the next film project, it’s going to give us some extra time to relaunch and present Luckey Bom Films in a bit of a more organized manner. There are so many wonderful things that we’ve become involved with, especially in the last month or so. This is going to lead to a beautiful and powerful documentary. That’s just another type of project I can’t wait to try my hand at. The last short documentary didn’t go as well as I had hoped it would, but so far everyone who may be involved looks to be excited to talk about the what the film will be about, and yes, I’m keeping it a bit closer to the chest at the moment. I assure you that we’re going to bringing attention to a movement. Through this, I’m making a new and enlightening set of friends.

As I sit here tonight, I feel accomplished. Not that it’s unusual for me, but the fact that I’ve had so many distractions lately, that even getting in productive work seems to be a challenge at times. I’m not feeling depressed, but I know that there’s been a lot that’s keeping my focus else where. With almost normalcy coming back to my life next week. I’ll be able to get more focused on the tasks at hand. Just like editing tonight, and the little bit I was able to do earlier this week, I really do enjoy it. I know that once we get started on Unexpected Side Trip, that’s going to be a bit of a process, because it’s the biggest script that I’ve had the opportunity so far. This is the one that we need to have a budget on; it’s going to be a long, wonderful project. This is the start of wanting to get my films into festivals. Now, I feel that I’m ready to take this to the professional level, and there’s no going back. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Half Way Mark

So, I was at work yesterday, and I realized that if I lose another 118 pounds, I will be at 193, and that would be about the goal weight I want to be. It’s amazing that almost seven months since my surgery, I’m at the half way point of my weight loss journey. I’ve come so far, and yet I have so much more that I have to do.

I finally got into a different pair of work pants this week. I’m in forty-two/thirties now. That’s a size that I haven’t worn since Sarah and I started out as a couple. Man, I’m feeling like I’m batting a thousand, and I’m happy that the weight loss journey is going so well. I’m also considering getting my personal trainers license. I think it would add a bit of credence to the CK Project, and part of the whole idea behind that is self-improvement.

I’m excited because I should be getting my second prototype shirt next week. If it’s the look I’ve been looking for, I’ll be ready to launch them to the public. I’ve already been told by a few people that they have an interest in supporting the brand and I’m excited by that. Next will be to get my production company  merchandise going. So much to do in so little time.

So, we did the casting call for The Dialogue, last weekend. However, we also had a couple of people do a read through last night. I really liked the way it went, but I have one other interested, and I want to give him a chance to read. Then I will have a few meetings with the various actors who tried out and see what chemistry might be there.

This process is different than when we did Nash Gray(2017). I was told that no two productions are the same, so. I look forward to the challenge that this is going to present itself. I’m also going to be going back and re-editing Appreciate What You Got, it was my first short, and the editing could have been done better. This project will be addressed again at another time for sure. I have my actor still interested in re-shooting it.

Looking at this weekend, the family and I have to go back to LAX to pick up our oldest, who’s coming home from her trip to Florida. She’s seemed to be having such a great time down there, however she is missed. We’re also going to kill two birds with one stone, because it’s the youngest’s birthday that day, we’re going to do a bit of shopping in Burbank and look at film and prop stores in the area. It’s part of the research for the film company.

Going back to the production company, we’ve got two more projects that are ready to go into pre-production after we finish this short. Plus, I’m working on getting a few more going, as I’ve started working on a few more scripts that have come my way. I’ll be working on those as I continue to get these projects going.

It’s summer and it’s crazy hot outside during the work hours. My advice is to stay hydrated and take care of yourself. This summer seems like it’s going to be hotter than usual, and I’ve been one to have been a victim of heat stress, twice, and it’s no joke. I do find that my surgery has made it harder to get all that water that’s recommended in. The heat motivates me to drink more, yet I have to be careful because too much water at one time tends to make me feel a bit sick.

The heat is harsh, and it seems to suck the energy right out of me, which has caused my motivation to struggle a bit. I mean who really likes to go out in 100 degree plus weather to get their exercise on? Though my personal training is improving as I’m pushing heavier weights now. Success!

So this is the director, and that is a wrap. Be good to yourselves and each other.

A Half Year Out

So today marks my six month anniversary of having the gastric sleeve. I came home not feeling well today, and I wasn’t sure what it was, but I slept it off, so I guess it wasn’t anything too serious. I don’t think that it was the heat, but the pain in my stomach wouldn’t allow me to breath in the vest that I was wearing at work.

It’s a time to reflect on what I’ve learned from the last six months: The first of many is the fact that I’ve learned to love myself again. Self image is something that can affect your psyche, and when you hate the way you look, it brings down your self-esteem. I’ll be the first to admit that presenting myself with an ego and larger than life personality has been the way I’ve over compensated for my own self-esteem.

Secondly, I’ve discovered how humbled I’ve become by the response of my weight loss.  I’m proud of the fact that I’ve lost 114.7 pounds so far, but when people say how they have to do a double take to recognize me, that makes me feel good. I’ve also come to realize that each person’s journey in life is different than one another. I think too many times people, myself included, find themselves comparing their lives to others. For example, better employment, that seems to have been given to someone else. How people can eat anything and stay skinny.

I think that in these moments, is our defining moment. Do we let the bitterness and jealously define who we are as people, or do we learn to appreciate the voyage to get us to where we are in life? I’ve spent so much negative energy idolizing others, and I’ve discovered that I shouldn’t. I’m a survivor, and I’m not sure everyone has it in them to be strong like that.

I’ve also learned that helping others keeps being affirmed with each interaction I have with people. Helping others is a wonderful experience, and success in others gives me a sense of accomplishment. I’m sure that the CK Project is where I’m going to find my biggest purpose in life. Yet, I still plan on making movies, so the drive is to continue to multi-task for as long as possible.

With the recent news of the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I’m reminded that depression and loneliness go hand in hand. People have stated, that they don’t understand why someone would take their own lives, since they seemed “normal” before they took their own lives. From my own experience, when in that state of mind, it’s hard to express, and “it’s feeling lonely in a room full of people”. Even when feeling that way, it’s hard to express the need for help. Many times, that demon is hard to battle as it often times seems like it’s a one persona struggle.

The need for help is often there, but hard to figure out where to turn for help. I was fortunate to get that help before it’s was too late. Had I not, I would have taken my life. The result of that help is in the contents of these blogs. I’ve become more driven, and I’m finding success in life. Plus, I’m connecting with people on a level I’ve never attempted before.

Self-investment, was a key role in helping me discover myself, and the potential is infinite. Don’t let other’s define who you are; you can always improve, and it’s never too late.

I’ve also realized that I’m almost fitting in a 2x shirt. That’s a great accomplishment as that seems to be the biggest size in most stores. I’ve been eyeing some shirts that I’d like to eventually fit myself into at some of the more mainstream stores. My style of baggy clothes have started to change. I’m no longer hiding my body in overly sized clothing, and I’m finding nicer things to wear. Sarah says that she likes it, so I think that decision is a keeper.

It’s incredible how far I’ve come on my journey of self-acceptance, and my personal growth is going farther than I expected. I look forward to having you continue to follow this journey of mine. I hope you reach out and network with me, perhaps we’ll find a bond that will benefit the both of us. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Let’s ‘Drop It Like It’s Hot’

I hit the 10,000 steps two days in a row, and almost did for a third day, but the average was over that 10k mark for sure. With that being said, I’ve kind of chilled the last two days to give myself a rest. I feel like I push myself ragged at times, which makes it harder for me to focus on the studious aspect of my life. The results are good though very good.

Remember when I talked about my start on this weight loss journey that my highest weight was 429.9 lbs? Breaking down the science of fat content, that and the fact that I’m 5’10(I think my weight shrunk me a bit), that equals out to a Body Mass Index of 61.7. That means that 61.7% of my body was covered by fat, and that’s what caused me to feel like a prisoner in my body. It also explains why it was harder for me to be cold(well insulated for sure).

I went in and weighed myself yesterday, and I discovered that I’ve lost another 7.6 lbs, which puts me at the weight of 352.4. My BMI is now at 50.6 and the total is now at 77.5 lbs, and with that, I feel accomplished.352.4

Yep, that’s me! When it’s compared to how I was looking, people say they see the loss in the face, and neck….what I notice in this pic is how much belly has gone, and even looking down I see that it’s missing. It’s fantastic not feeling like the Kool-aid man. People tell me to keep it up and not to stop. Believe me, there’s no chance in that. Realize that I did, get part of my body removed to help get me going on the right path, and I’m determined not to stay fat. I like not hurting or struggling when I move. That’s the biggest part of the win so far.

Second win goes to the people who seemed to be inspired by this journey that I’ve undertaken, as I’m recruiting people to do some hikes with me and the family. I think it’ll be a great bonding experience, and honestly, other’s wanting to take my example and get heathy too, is one of the most amazing feelings to me as well.

The weight loss has really helped my mental health as well, with the compliments, more self confidence comes into play. Plus I don’t feel like I loathe myself anymore.  I can’t think of anything better then all the positives that are coming out of these life changes. I’ve discovered that there are still a few things that upset my stomach, but I’m also trying to be conscious about not trying to stretch it out. I miss some of the spices that I love so much, but I’m sure I’ll be able to eat those again someday, and I’m at about the two and a half month mark out from my surgery.

I might just make that hundred pound mark with in the next few months. I haven’t seen three hundred in about seventeen years, and it would be incredible to make that half-way-point in my ultimate goal weight. Right now, my smaller goal is 339.5. Once I reach that, I’ll plan on making a goal of about 296, which was the weight I was when I was married to my first wife, in 2001. I get excited about those kinds of thoughts. I get excited to know that I won’t be fat for the rest of my life, and that my life won’t be as short as it was probably going to end up had I not done something to take the control back.

It’s sad to think that I got to a point where I thought that I was going to die, and I’ll be honest, I welcomed it for a time there. I stopped caring, and I was just going to let life happen to me, and I didn’t care when or where it would happen. Now, it’s different. Now I have the power, and I like to move, and get those steps in. Soon, I’ll be able to push myself again, and I can’t weight to add weights into my routine. I’ve always loved weight lifting, and I’ll feel more comfortable on the machines that I’m going to use. I’ll get in the sit-ups, push-ups, and a faster mile. This in vain of what I do for work, and I could promote, but I don’t really have the drive to continue with the current track for my career. I want to move onto something that give me a chance to use the more creative part of my brain.

The reward, would be the fact that I could do it if I chose too. I’ve come a long way in the last year, and I’m all about self improvement these days. I’ve got the best support system that I think any person could ask for, and it’s a blessing that it helps to keep me motivated. Though the real trick is that I’m keeping myself motivated. I have my bad days, but I stay motivated. I think that’s how I’m learning to survive, is by staying motivated, and positive. Getting the mind and body in harmony is the secret.

Anyway, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Welcome To Club 100

So for the start of today’s blog, I’m going to educate the populace on what I had done and some of the facts about the procedure. According to the brochure at the doctor’s office, produced by Covidien the technical name for the gastric sleeve that I’ve been talking about over the last two months is the vertical sleeve gastrectomy, or partial gastrectomy. The procedure takes the cutting out of two-thirds of the stomach to make the stomach into a part of tube, or to make it look like a “sleeve”. This procedure also removes the part that produces a hormone called Ghrelin, which is the chemical that controls the cravings for being hungry.

At my highest weight, I was weighing in at 429.9 lbs. and at a hight of five-foot-ten, that put me at a body mass index of 61.7. The requirement is to have a BMI of 35, and I was well above that. I was on the cusp of having bad cholesterol, high blood pressure, and quite frankly, I was a prisoner in my own body(I’m sure I’ve said this a couple of times). heaviest

This was what I looked like at my heaviest. The worst part of all of this weight was when I would try to actually exercise, I would hurt. I had bruised my foot on a walk, my knees hurt, and it was just the most difficult thing when I moved. I truly felt that I was trapped in my own body and there wasn’t anything that I felt I could do to help me loose the weight. I was scared that I was going to put myself into an early grave.

I was doing well before I had my breakdown at work in 2013. I was on Weight Watchers and I had lost fifty-six pounds. 2 years after weight watchers

I was feeling good at the time, I felt free and with more energy, but then depression took over, and I gained it all back and then some. It was a rough time in my life, and my mind wasn’t right. I felt like I was the most worthless thing and I wanted to die. That actually followed me even when I was able to go back to work.

When I decided to go back to school in 2014, I was trying to change my life around. I didn’t realize for about the first year of school in what I was doing, and it took until about another half-year before I realized that what I needed in life was a better outlook on what life could and would end up being for me.

The first thing I did do, again without realizing the potential of what would come, was I decided that I would be a beacon of positivity. When I left work, there was negative people everywhere and it really helped to bring me down. The decision of being positive wasn’t for anybody else, except myself. I didn’t want to continue to feel worthless, and the new outlook helped me be a better person, not only with myself, but for other’s as well. That is something I continue to, and will continue to do for the rest of my life.

Finding that creative outlet was the best thing for me, I’ve been able to put forward the thoughts and revelations into something tangible, and that’s where things like this blog come in at. It seems like I’m in a constant state of thought, even when it’s at the worst times, like when I’m trying to sleep. Sometimes, it’s that state of restlessness  that helps some of my better ideas come out.

So, bringing this to a more present time period, when I got introduced to the idea of setting up a WordPress website, I decided that I would use the platform to blog. I figured that it would be a good way to share my experience, and hope that the words would find someone who might need to know that there’s other’s who have gone through the same kinds of issues they have, and that there is someone they could reach out too. I also fond it therapeutic for when I go through some of my emotional times. Though I suffer from depression, I don’t look at it as a weakness, but as a strength because I’ve survived the darkest of times. I’ve survived several times throughout my adult life. Now I’m here to help other’s who don’t know if they will make it, or if they just need some support and to be aware that things will get better.

With in the last year, the awareness that I’ve come across was that things were going to get better for me as I worked hard to finish school. I knew that I was setting myself and my family up for better things in life. I’ve been determined to make the best of life. As the months got closer to the end of my schooling, I was more determined to get done, and put what I earned to good use. I’ve been networking and planting the seeds for this better future.

Feb 3 stats

This is from my Pacer app. I went to my two month post operation check up and I weighed in at 360 lbs. It’s been a while there, and since it was out of town, I was determined to explore the city and get my 10,000 steps in today. I’ve got farther than I thought I would, and I’m glad that I have something to help record my progress. I think the most effective part is the fact that I’m obsessed with numbers, and this is a great way to keep track of the movements from my walks.

As I was walking with my wife downtown Lancaster, a thought came too me that I had never considered before- I invested in myself. Wow! I never considered something like that. Sure I’m going to have student loans, and the high cost of my weight loss surgery, but I had invested in myself. Physically, and mentally, I spent the money to help me find myself, and I’ve brought so many people with me for the ride. It took the surgery to help me not feel trapped anymore, and I want to keep pushing to get better. Then the school has helped me find the person that I was meant to be.

I think that’s the secret for people to be successful, and happy…invest in yourself, because the only person who’s going to take care of you in this life is you. You can only grow if you push yourself. That’s a thought to contemplate.

This is the director, Chris Keeling, I’m about seventy pounds lighter, and that’s a wrap.