Grieve For Your Sanity

The world is going to test you. As it were, God is going to test you, if you believe in such things. The ironic part of that is that when you get tested, it’s usually unexpected, and you’ll probably already have a billion and a half things going on as it were already.

Then life also gets in the way, and you sometimes lose the path you tried to set for yourself. I’ve done that a few times. Most recently in fact. With so many things that get thrown at you in life, it’s not hard to lose focus on what’s important. John Lennon said it best in his song Beautiful Boy, “Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans.” How beautifully true that statement is.

I think that’s part of what makes life both great, and frustrating. You save up to buy something nice, then your car breaks down, so that’s where the money goes. Yes, I’ve been in this situation many times, and it sucks. Yet, there are times, you might back into someone, and find the love of your life. As I look back on life, it’s a remarkable journey.

I never anticipated where having the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy would take me. All I knew was that it was something that was going to help me lose weight, and I wouldn’t hurt as much. The amount of positivity that I’ve received from people, the growth of my mental, and physical wellbeing, has taken me aback. This process has been a sanity check at times as well.

I’m sure the question of if the surgery did so well, why would you have to check your sanity during this positive journey? Well, it’s because there are bumps in every journey. Being a human, with doubts and insecurities, tend to be the biggest hurtle. When you grow up and get told that you weren’t good enough, and you didn’t deserve things; that kind of stuff sticks with you. Being over-weight for so long, and having limited movement, my mind also tells me that I can’t do it. That’s something that reminds me of the cliche, “You’re your own worst enemy.”

This all comes down to keeping yourself in check and remembering that it’s all a mental game, and the things that happen, are only a small portion of your reality, and that the rest is made up of how you react to them. As an example, I have a friend or two, that tend to act like life is out to get them. The truth is after hearing their stories, I look at the situation, and think that it doesn’t usually sound as bad as they make it out to be. Again it’s not always easy to explain, as ego tends to get in people’s way. Just look at the current group of people who are running our country, and you can see the examples of what I mean.

It’s insane to think that life is completely out of our hands to control. To go “religious”, that is why God gave us free will. Keep in mind that whatever does happen, it’s all about trying to keep ourselves in check and mentally prepared.

While it doesn’t always work, attempt to take the time and stand back to reflect on the situation, sometimes that’s all anyone needs. Even if that means that it’s for the next time a similar situation occurs.

I think the most sane thing to do is to continue to grow, to strive to become a better version of the person we are right now. It is so easy to get complacent, and to blame other things or people, then it is too point out our own faults. Those are toxic traits that I’ve seen in people around me. Hell, I’ve learned to see some of those traits in myself. This is something that I’ve been trying to purge out of my own self. I know that I’ve grown, especially over the last five years, but I also realize that there are things that I need to continue to work on.

Things that I didn’t think I could do, have shown me differently. The way I react to some situations, has surprised me, when I’ve been put in the situation. One of my bigger issues is that fact that I’m constantly in self-doubt. This hurtle is something I have a long way to over come. It’s just not the mountain that it once was.

This is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

Outside’s Gonna Melt Your Face, But I’m Feeling Fine.

The summer heat is cooking, and with this weather last year everyday felt like the scene from Raiders of the Lost Art,  in where the Nazi’s open the Ark of the Covenant, and their faces melt off. However, I’ve come prepared more for the heat this year then I have been in the past several years. Where being on the job in years past, my back would be a sweaty water fall, it’s now just a trickle. I do still think that the heat sucks, but at least I don’t feel like I’m about to die everyday.

I did my two week weigh–in on Friday, and discovered myself down another three-point-one pounds. I’ve discovered that that’s about what I’ve been averaging for the last few months, is about three to four pounds every two weeks. That’s not bad considering that one to two pounds a week is what would be classified normal. Looking at pants sizes of the biggest at fifty-four, and looking at the waist of a forty-two, is a big difference.

That brings my total down one hundred-twenty-one-point-two pounds. I joke and say that I’ve lost my wife in weight. It’s about true, and I’m good with that. I still get those moments of being nervous of being caught in a stall. Especially since the hundred-plus weather isn’t helping my motivation at all. I also went for a walk on Thursday after work, and discovered that I had burnt the top of my head on the walk.36329976_2091643187757945_3984035268909858816_o

I took the above picture on my phone on that Thursday around six-thirty in the evening. I like how the shadows give a bit of a serious look. As I walk, I think about anything and everything. I realized that this is my meditation, as I’m always in my head when I walk. I guess you could say that this is my time at “church”. A time where I have conversations with God. I know that it gives me the chance to just walk, and not think about the physical activity that I’m doing.

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This is the best I’ve felt in a long time. I took this for my weigh-in update photo for the social media. When I saw the scale read three-hundred-eight-point-seven pounds, it’s truly a great feeling. I haven’t been this light, since my oldest child was born, and that was seventeen years ago. The changes, both physically and mentally are incredible. My body is getting closer to my self-image.

It’s incredible to think that as I get ever closer to my fortieth year in life, that I have finally taken control back of who I am. It feels that I let most of my twenties and thirties kind of keep me down, and dictate my uncontrollable self. A feeling of helplessness and hatred for the decisions that I was making. I was lashing out at myself because I let myself get a certain way. I have that control now. I’m not letting life pass me by. I’m finding that strength and happiness that I deserve as a person.

Speaking of goals, I have a few updates about the other parts of my life. One, we are almost ready to go full ahead and film our short The Reunion, that’s the official title of what was previously known as The Dialogue. I’m excited to be working with the casted individuals, as one of them has worked with me, and for me in other projects before. Plus the new blood joining us really seems to be like a good guy as well. I can’t wait to get started so that we can get this one in the “can” and continue on with the other things we’re planing on doing.

The other news, is related to the Geekultural Experience. I’ve been talking to a writer on Tumblr about checking out his Manga and this will be one of those I’ll do a review on for my geek media. I think this is the start of something that could help boost his, and our brands together and I look forward to seeing what other connections that I’ll be doing through the various platforms of social media.

As a reflection of the what’s going on in my personal life: My oldest child will be seventeen years old this Wednesday, and I’m both proud, and surprised by this fact. She’s grown into a beautiful person, and she’s made me very proud of the accomplishments that she’s set for herself. She also makes me feel incredibly old because she is turning seventeen, but I look forward to spending the day with her and watching the fireworks, because she shares the day with the birth of our country’s independence.

Well, this is the Director with another blog, and that’s a wrap.