The Farther I Go

This was a good week for my personal training sessions. I was kicking ass/ getting my ass kicked down with my coach Sam. This was a decent week as I know that next week the kids go back to school, and I’ll be able to put more focus on my mornings before work. The best thing was Tuesday I weighed in at the gym at 302.3 lbs. I know that my weight loss has slowed down, but I’m happy that I’m that much closer to getting too 300 even. That puts me at 137.6 lbs down so far. It’s amazing to see how far I’ve come in such a short time.

Tomorrow, I have my eighth month check-up and I’m excited to get it down. It’s crazy to think that this year as flown by so fast. I’ve grown so much, hell I think I hit another level in maturity with this as well. I look back and can’t begin to really think about how I let myself get out of control with my life. So, the surgery gave me another chance at life, and I wish I would have been that strong many years ago.

Ego is being replaced with real confidence, and I can’t begin to tell people how humbled I’ve become with the out pouring of support. The weight loss has shown me the kind of people I have in my life, and I’m so thankful for the words of encouragement. As a matter of fact, I was informed this week that The CK Project is going to be marching with our local Parade of a Thousand Flags. I’m glad that Sarah’s pushing to get the brand out, and I’ve got people who’d like to march along our side, and show their support to what the project stands for. Some of them are people that I’ve motivated to change their lives…again, it’s a humbling experience.

This week was productive as I had the chance to finish up a rough cut of the short film we shot last weekend. It is most defiantly short, but it was so much fun to do. I’m blessed to have an amazing crew, and cast. Plus this is the job I was built for, I can tell because I’m happy doing this stuff.

I think that while we start pre-production on the next film project, it’s going to give us some extra time to relaunch and present Luckey Bom Films in a bit of a more organized manner. There are so many wonderful things that we’ve become involved with, especially in the last month or so. This is going to lead to a beautiful and powerful documentary. That’s just another type of project I can’t wait to try my hand at. The last short documentary didn’t go as well as I had hoped it would, but so far everyone who may be involved looks to be excited to talk about the what the film will be about, and yes, I’m keeping it a bit closer to the chest at the moment. I assure you that we’re going to bringing attention to a movement. Through this, I’m making a new and enlightening set of friends.

As I sit here tonight, I feel accomplished. Not that it’s unusual for me, but the fact that I’ve had so many distractions lately, that even getting in productive work seems to be a challenge at times. I’m not feeling depressed, but I know that there’s been a lot that’s keeping my focus else where. With almost normalcy coming back to my life next week. I’ll be able to get more focused on the tasks at hand. Just like editing tonight, and the little bit I was able to do earlier this week, I really do enjoy it. I know that once we get started on Unexpected Side Trip, that’s going to be a bit of a process, because it’s the biggest script that I’ve had the opportunity so far. This is the one that we need to have a budget on; it’s going to be a long, wonderful project. This is the start of wanting to get my films into festivals. Now, I feel that I’m ready to take this to the professional level, and there’s no going back. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Third Annual SuperHero Shirt Day

For the last two years, I’ve blogged about the loss of my young friend James Stewart. He was tragically taken from his family and friends at the age of eighteen. The loss of this young man’s life has left a huge void in the many lives he has touched. While I wasn’t close to him, I’m surprised by how much this event impacted my own personal life.

The pain and suffering of a parent’s loss for a child is unfathomable, I can only imagine that it’s a pain that never goes away. Even being told by my friends how their pain hasn’t gotten better, makes me thankful that I haven’t loss my own children, and I hope that I’ll be able to pass on before they do. My love for my friends has never been deeper and I’m the most stanch supporter for these people, and hope that it gets easier to deal with.

Two years has passed, and this was the third get together to honor the memory of James. I noticed the people amassing together has gotten smaller, and people who weren’t directly involved have pushed the subject to the back burners of their minds. Life goes on, right? People have their own lives to live, and most of us are fortunate enough to kiss our children and tuck them in at night. Lucky us….

I’ve had friends and family lose children. Still birth, accidents, etc. How do they continue on when something they’ve dealt with for so long. Can we, the lucky one’s even try to put ourselves in that situation? This is an uncomfortable subject that many would look down and shuffle their feet while it’s being mentioned around them.  So, let’s take a moment of silence, and remember those who’ve gone through hell.

As a man, I look at my children, and see my legacy being continued on. I’m sure there’s a bit of ego in there to see that the lineage will continue on for years, with children coming for many generations. I’m sure that’s the way many people feel… Now, picture that being torn away from you in an instant. Maybe it started with a questionable feeling? Then, at a later time, you get that phone call… your gut already knew what the audible was telling you. Shit, it just got real, and now it’s gone. Life as you knew it just ceased to exist. That’s deep, and as I write this, it just got deeper for me too.

There are many failings that I, as a man, as a father, as a son, have done in my life. Things that I know that I can never express the kind of sorrow that I have for my actions. Things said, things done. I don’t let my past define who I am, unfortunately, we live in a time where every action, every word that has ever been said or done, is being scrutinized. The sins of the past have come to haunt us, even if we’re different people than who we were. I use James Gunn as an example, because Disney let him go as a director for tweets that were made ten plus years ago. Is that where we’ve come from as a society. Offend the few now with things from the past, and it comes to ruin for someone’s career? Life?

I have a glimmer of hope that deep down inside, we are better than that as a society. I’ve always held that hope. That’s why things like racism, and sexism baffle my mind. We’ve should have evolved as a society beyond these thoughts, long ago. I see that we’re slowly getting there, but then there are other parts that end up just as bad. The bullied become the bully. This was try in my youth as well.

After many years of being called names and being treated bad, I had become what I hated. Hell there are memes based on being a hero, but living long enough to be the bad guy. There’s truth in that, and what’s sad is that you don’t always see it coming. You try to rationalize it as doing “just deserts” and you don’t always realize that you’re in the wrong.

I’m a believer in redemption. I’ve over came things to be a better person. Hell the themes in the stories I write generally have some sort of theme, wether major or minor, has to do with redemption. I think people can change for the better, and no matter what experience takes you to that other place. I believe that anyone can be a stronger person for it. Which brings everything back around to the original subject…

The loss of a child can be a rally cry to have things change for the better. A child drowns, that means that there needs to be better safety standards. Toys that are choking hazards, accidents… Something’s gone wrong somewhere and it needs to be answered for. Nobody should have to deal with the loss of their child. Children are the future, and we need to make it better for them.

This is the Director, and let’s try to love ourselves and each other a bit more.

Fireworks in The Air

Aww, the sound of colorful gun powder blowing up in the air! A day that seventeen years ago, fundamentally changed me as a man. The fourth of July is a day of celebration, for many it’s a day to recognize the independence our country got. To me, it’s the day that my oldest child gains another year of life on this earth.

Let me take you back into time, before I really needed to go on the weight loss journey, before I turned into the man that people know today. As a matter of fact let me take you back to the year 2000….

At this point in my life, I was separated from my soon to be annulled significant other. Sure, we’re only married for 6 months, but my experiences with her makes her a significant part of my life. I had been in my new job, at the time for just over a month. We’re seeing more money than ever, but her problem was that I was always gone out of town for work.

A good part of my job was the fact that I got to work with my father. This was a great experience, because I really got to know him, and bound with him with the many hours on the road, going from job to job. It took us from this small town to places like Bakersfield, Ca, which wasn’t really a stretch, but it took us to Seattle, Wa and Denver, Co.  See, this is were the ex was having problems, and needless to say we ended up splitting up after all was said and done.

One of the things that I didn’t completely realize at that time was that I ended up becoming broken in this abusive relationship. It was mostly verbal, and on both sides. When it was all said and done, I was a suffering in a way I couldn’t comprehend.

Sure, we tried to have kids, but the mental games that were played just didn’t help when she had told me that she “miscarried”. At this point, I was just numb to everything that she would use to try and hurt me. This incident happened on my first trip to Seattle. I had gotten a cell phone and was using it too call her. When she laid the news on me, but I didn’t feel anything since this was the umpteenth time that something like this was used to hurt me.

Court wasn’t pleasant, but afterward I had found comfort and safety in the arms of my now wife Sarah. She got with me, helped put my pieces back together, and somehow we ended up creating this wonderful child, who is both my pride and joy, and the pain in my ass. I love her though.

The good thing about Autumn is that she is a smart girl, and she doesn’t go out and make poor choices. The bad thing about Autumn is that she’s a smart girl, and has a time or two called me out on my bullshit. This can be frustrating at times, since she’s seen me at my lowest point as well.

No matter where we are in our complicated relationship of father and daughter, I will always be proud of her being my child, and I’m even more so about the woman she’s becoming and the goals that she’s setting for herself. It’s incredible to see her evolution as a person. Finding her place in this world, watching her “fan girl” over anything Disney. The child that matches me in wit and challenges me to look at my own self.

As she reaches into her seventeenth year, and starts the last leg of her high school years, I’ve been trying to think of what advice I would give her(if she reads this). Remember that you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, trust your instincts. Figure out what you truly want to do with your life. Go with your instincts. I spent too much of my life listening to what other’s thought would be best, and it took me too long to go for what my heart desired.

I love you, yes I know you think I have to say that because I’m your dad, but it’s true. I have you and your brother, and you two are the most important people to me. You’ve filled my life and helped to give it purpose. I’m sorry that I haven’t always been the best dad, there’s no instructions on how to be spot on every time. Know that even in my darkest of times, I’ve always wanted the best for you.

So with that, I wish my kid a happy seventeenth birthday, and will be happy to celebrate it with her. This is the director, and thinking of were the hell did the time go? That’s a wrap.

Outside’s Gonna Melt Your Face, But I’m Feeling Fine.

The summer heat is cooking, and with this weather last year everyday felt like the scene from Raiders of the Lost Art,  in where the Nazi’s open the Ark of the Covenant, and their faces melt off. However, I’ve come prepared more for the heat this year then I have been in the past several years. Where being on the job in years past, my back would be a sweaty water fall, it’s now just a trickle. I do still think that the heat sucks, but at least I don’t feel like I’m about to die everyday.

I did my two week weigh–in on Friday, and discovered myself down another three-point-one pounds. I’ve discovered that that’s about what I’ve been averaging for the last few months, is about three to four pounds every two weeks. That’s not bad considering that one to two pounds a week is what would be classified normal. Looking at pants sizes of the biggest at fifty-four, and looking at the waist of a forty-two, is a big difference.

That brings my total down one hundred-twenty-one-point-two pounds. I joke and say that I’ve lost my wife in weight. It’s about true, and I’m good with that. I still get those moments of being nervous of being caught in a stall. Especially since the hundred-plus weather isn’t helping my motivation at all. I also went for a walk on Thursday after work, and discovered that I had burnt the top of my head on the walk.36329976_2091643187757945_3984035268909858816_o

I took the above picture on my phone on that Thursday around six-thirty in the evening. I like how the shadows give a bit of a serious look. As I walk, I think about anything and everything. I realized that this is my meditation, as I’m always in my head when I walk. I guess you could say that this is my time at “church”. A time where I have conversations with God. I know that it gives me the chance to just walk, and not think about the physical activity that I’m doing.

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This is the best I’ve felt in a long time. I took this for my weigh-in update photo for the social media. When I saw the scale read three-hundred-eight-point-seven pounds, it’s truly a great feeling. I haven’t been this light, since my oldest child was born, and that was seventeen years ago. The changes, both physically and mentally are incredible. My body is getting closer to my self-image.

It’s incredible to think that as I get ever closer to my fortieth year in life, that I have finally taken control back of who I am. It feels that I let most of my twenties and thirties kind of keep me down, and dictate my uncontrollable self. A feeling of helplessness and hatred for the decisions that I was making. I was lashing out at myself because I let myself get a certain way. I have that control now. I’m not letting life pass me by. I’m finding that strength and happiness that I deserve as a person.

Speaking of goals, I have a few updates about the other parts of my life. One, we are almost ready to go full ahead and film our short The Reunion, that’s the official title of what was previously known as The Dialogue. I’m excited to be working with the casted individuals, as one of them has worked with me, and for me in other projects before. Plus the new blood joining us really seems to be like a good guy as well. I can’t wait to get started so that we can get this one in the “can” and continue on with the other things we’re planing on doing.

The other news, is related to the Geekultural Experience. I’ve been talking to a writer on Tumblr about checking out his Manga and this will be one of those I’ll do a review on for my geek media. I think this is the start of something that could help boost his, and our brands together and I look forward to seeing what other connections that I’ll be doing through the various platforms of social media.

As a reflection of the what’s going on in my personal life: My oldest child will be seventeen years old this Wednesday, and I’m both proud, and surprised by this fact. She’s grown into a beautiful person, and she’s made me very proud of the accomplishments that she’s set for herself. She also makes me feel incredibly old because she is turning seventeen, but I look forward to spending the day with her and watching the fireworks, because she shares the day with the birth of our country’s independence.

Well, this is the Director with another blog, and that’s a wrap.