“We’re All Going Through Changes”

Change is happening all around us at all times. Change is constant, and yet it seems like something that people fear the most. With change, brings something different, sometimes better, and sometimes not. Why fear something that’s inevitable?

I look at my children, and am reminded that as they grow older, they are changing. Their personalities aren’t the same as they were as where as toddlers. They are discovering their own likes and interests, that aren’t always influenced by their parent’s tastes. Yet at the same time, I see Sarah’s and mine influences on some of those things they do like.

I’ve been going through changes, especially since I had my gastric sleeve done. My attitude has gotten better, I feel more active, more alive, and I appreciate things so much more. I think the biggest change that’s really come for me, is the self realization that the way I treated people, and the way I allowed them to treat me, wasn’t okay.

I use humor in almost all aspects of my life. The people I joke with, I know that I can have a viscous wit towards. It’s sad that if I like someone I tend to joke with them, and treat them  kind of shitty at times. If I don’t like someone, I just don’t associate with them. To those friends that I might have gone too far with, I apologize. To the one’s that I love, or have loved, I am sincerely sorry for the hurt I’ve caused in your lives. I wasn’t always the best mentally, and you’re the one’s who’ve suffered the most for it.

Regardless of how my journey goes, I have some of the best people in my life. Sarah has always been a constant reminder of the love and dedication I can find in one person. For that I’m always thankful for.  She’s always going to be a big part of me, no matter what happens in life.

Saturday ended up being a day that really caused me to reconsider so much of what had been going on. Little Chris had a seizure while we were out of town and I got so worried about him. My biggest fear is that my children pass on before I do. I think that, as I also know, that is most parent’s biggest fear. I’ve witnessed this happen to good friends of mine, and it’s the hardest thing to witness.

I know that the last several months have put perspective in my life. I want to say that the quarantine had something to do with it, but it doesn’t. I’ve been one of the people deemed “essential personal” or as some people joke, “expendable”. That’s just added more stress because I’ve got family members in my household who’ve got weakened immune systems.

At least things are semi getting back to normal. I was able to actually go back to the gym and work out. It was nice to feel myself putting in the same effort as when I had to stop. I just know that now I need to get really serious and start dropping this last stretch of weight that I’ve been holding on too. Being stuck to my own devices, and I slacked. At least I’ve stayed fairly consistent with my walks.

This year has proven to be an interesting one to say the least. I’m sure that I’m not the only one to have had my mental health tested, time and time again. Do you know what I mean? I’ve seen it on in my kids, and my wife. This hasn’t been the most pleasant experience.

Another thing that has been an eye opener, is the fact that with the Black Live Matter movement, I’ve seen the ugly come out of unexpected places. People that I would have never thought had those kinds of opinions, have shown me the substance of which they’re really made of. I’ve seen some with whom I expected to come out racist, show that they are strong allies, and I’ve seen those who, I thought were more open minded about people, show their opinions.

My thoughts are this: We are in a time where more people are “woke” to the way that the world is run. The whole thought process on the Black Live Matter movement, I wasn’t sure what I would say about it. The rioting, I had an opinion, then I saw someone stay something else, and I decided that I would listen, and try to understand that point of view. So that’s exactly what I did. When the players in the NFL kneeled at the National Anthem, I had an opinion, but then I listened. if there’s anything I can say, is that if you feel strongly one way or another, try and listen, and see if you can understand things from a different point of view.

Racism is wrong, that’s not something up for debate. It’s an old train of thought that should have died out with the Civil Rights Movement. Yet, here we are, seeing it on the news, and internet. I find it a ridiculous concept, and I’ve been discriminated against for my weight, and my economic class. I think the behaviors of the hatred I’m seeing is sad, and I’m disappointed, because I expect better of people.

This is the world we seem to live in, a toxic society that promotes hatred, and judgement, and the media tends to play both sides. I agree that police reform must be made, but that doesn’t excuse the way people come off entitled in society and think that can just be disrespectful towards authority. Again, the whole system needs to change, but it’s not that one side, there needs to be both sides trying to fix the matter, and the communications are fucked up.

We should hold each other to a higher standard, and not just because people are watching, and yes, people are watching, but because we as a people need to be better. I experience entitled attitudes at work. I experience and witness these same attitudes out in the public, while shopping. Why? Because you’re not having it your way? Because you feel inconvenienced?

Customer service is one of the most stressful jobs in the world, because you’re constantly treated like shit, and it’s usually beyond your control. I’ll go further, being a geek, I see the same common issues in the geek community. “You can’t have a black storm trooper”, I mean come on, and you fucking kidding me? As a people who’ve been discriminated against, what gives us the right to tear our people down, or show that hatred towards others?

This is why so many people are struggling with mental health issues, because someone always seems to want to tear down someone else just to feel bigger, or more important. It happens in all walks of life, LGBTQA+? Bisexuals are often discriminated against, but why? Shouldn’t we all be accepting of each other, just for the fact that we are human?

I know that this blog might not sit well with some people, and while I would hate to lose followers, if somehow I’ve offended someone that bad, I guess that’s the way it has to be. I’m gonna try not to judge anybody who’s offended, but I’m gonna also ask that if what I say has offended anyone, before you totally block, delete, call me out, try and look into yourself, and find why it is that you’re offended. Not only that, if there’s something about the situation that does offend you, please research it out for yourself, and see if you can find something more than assumptions on the subject. You might just be enlightened by what you discover.

Part of the problem I’m seeing is that we’re being lied to from all sides. The media lies, the lessons in school can be misleading. All I say is that research, and take time to actually listen to what’s going on. I don’t want anyone to be hated because of a difference of opinion. Often times I see healthy debate, degrade down to simple adolescent name calling, and that’s not getting us anywhere as a society.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

Easter 2020

Wow, what a year this is turning out to be, and this being the first real holiday during the Coronavirus epidemic is just adding to the fact that has put strains on our first world lives. On a holiday that I would be spending it with my parents, and my kids, I find that this year isn’t going to be like many others. In fact, I should have been at Wonder Con this weekend, just like I have been for the last few years.

It’s funny to think that a convention would be something that I miss the most. Usually, we’d only spend half a day there since Sunday’s the closing day. I remember last year that we got to watch a Batman and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in a cross over movie, four months before it was to come out. I think we would still end up doing a little something for the holiday on the way home as it was.

This year was going to be exciting because I would get to share the experience of Wonder Con with one of my best friends. Her experience with conventions was always Clexicon which is in Las Vegas, and I think it would be fun to check out. Especially since it’s a LGBTQA+ centric convention in the entertainment industry. It helps to broaden one’s horizons.

The important part is that I did get to spend it with the family that I do live with, and that we’re all relatively healthy, considering everything. That’s something that has been an important highlight thorough out this epidemic, how important family is. How important  human connection is. I never gave too much stock in the ideas of energies until probably the last few years, but I’m starting to get it.

I think the fact that putting positive energy out, instead of the negative energy was something that I started doing to help myself feel better. It’s difficult when all you hear is negative stuff being spoken at work, and that was really starting to wear on me mentally. I wanted to be positive and would only speak positive because I wanted to feel better, and it seems to work. Though I know that it might sound ridiculous, just like the whole practice of positive affirmations, it does work.

Working out with Sam has taught me many things. One of those things is about the energies that connect us, and the energies we use when doing workouts. I’ve also learned that my body isn’t as functional as I thought it would be. I apparently don’t trust my body enough to do things that makes me feel unsafe. I guess that’s what being so heavy did to me, I can’t stand losing control of my body. So now I’m learning to trust being in different positions.

One of those things that I’ve been doing is trying to do assisted hand stands, and I’m getting more comfortable with my body upside down. I’ve actually done it a few days in a row, trying to stay upside-down for around twenty-seconds. This is the start of getting a full on handstand by myself and to be able to walk on my hands.

It feels like as I’m always starting over when I’m getting motivated to workout. At least I haven’t given up, and I am trying to stay mindful of everything that’s going on. I need this focus to help me stay more mentally healthy. I need this focus so that I don’t get back into the shape that I used to be. I think that I might have a slight case of body dysmorphia because of my experiences in life.

As this social distancing thing continues, it feels that life is dragging on. My workday’s are ten-hour days, but most days feel like they could be twenty. Plus everyday seems to feel the same, it’s almost like an eternal Monday going on here. It’s draining because it makes me feel that I’m always tired all the time. I feel like I want to sleep all the time.

I guess that I didn’t  realize that staying active and busy all the time helps keep me energized. I always looked at staying busy as a way to keep me distracted from having depressive thoughts. I know that anxiety, and overthinking are my enemy if I sit alone for too long and then I start questioning everything.

That actually doesn’t seem so uncommon, it makes me wonder why people have that go through their heads as well? It makes me wonder if I share more in common with my fellow person than I may realize? I know that I had a conversation with some female who I thought was popular in school, and a source of one of my crushes in school, and her sharing her story had made me realize that if those who seemed to be untouchably popular(in my mind) have those same struggles to deal with as well.

Going back to the fact that Easter was a different kind of holiday this year, reminds me of something that I’ve been saying for awhile now, this world is forever changed by the COVID-19  pandemic. Which leads to the thoughts of how are they going to stay different? Is the world going to be in a massive paranoia for the next several generations?

Even bigger questions: How are relationships going to change? Are we going to be closer because of this? Are we going to be more selective on who we choose to share our lives with? Seeing a rise in domestic violence, has been an eye opener. I know that I realized that when I would talk to people who would do so much over time, that it wasn’t always about the money, but about the fact that they could get away from the house, and get a break from their families.

I’m a hugger; when I great my friends, I like to hug. It’s always been a sign of affection that I’ve adhered too. Will things be the same afterward, or are we doomed to be slightly apprehensive about it, because of this disease? I personally hope that we can go back and get that connection, the exchanging of positive energies, as I think it is.

I still have those questions about how business is going to be conducted in the future? Are we as a consumer based society, going to go back to buying just for self satisfaction, or are we going to be more mindful where we put our hard earned investment?

Even better: how is this epidemic going to change the face of technology? Where will the advancements go from here? Is communications going to get a better look at? Will we take the lessons from the way Earth has responded and look at a better way to energize our businesses? Communications, business, and the definition of what truly is essential, what a crazy time to start wondering how these will be affected.

I do think that we have a better chance to survive something of this magnitude than when people were around for the Spanish Flu. I’m thankful that we’re all able to stay better connected, even through virtual means. FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, these are just some of the ways we can check in on friends and family and see that they’re doing alright. UPS, FEDeX, and other means from online sources, means that we can have things delivered in record time. This is where technology shines the best. I’m usually one to talk about how technology is going to be the downfall of mankind, however, it can also be used to keep us connected, safe, and I like that idea.

Before I call this a wrap, I would ask a favor of those who actually take the time to read and support my stuff. I’ve got a podcast, and I do these blogs, but I really want to get more interactive with my audience. Please, leave a comment, leave a question. Let’s get a dialogue going. I want to know what you would like me to discuss on one of the many ways I bring content out. I want my readers to feel like I’m writing to their needs or wants. Anyway, like, subscribe, and share so that we can expand the reach of what the message is. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.