No Pain, No Gain

So, I have a five day weekend that started yesterday, and because it was the fourth of July, I didn’t get my personal training session in. That’s okay, because I made it up today, and suffered for it. Sometimes, I ask myself why I do the things I do, then I remember, because I don’t want to be unhealthy anymore.

Today, Sam started to help me find my inner strength to help push through all the pain, and suffering to get the best workout that I can. I’ve never been one to grunt or yell in the gym…and I’ll leave it at that. However, I’m being shown that it helps bring my inner strength out, and helps me keep going for a few more reps, at least.

Again, I’m reminded that I still have that man trapped in a bigger body mentality. It’s not always easy to over come, especially since I’ve not be able to do things for years do to my mobility. I know that I should be able to do more things, but what my mind and body think is sometimes two totally different things. I find myself trying to convince my body that I can do these things, even when it wants me to hesitate.

Since I’m on a five-day weekend, I decided to put myself through a six-day challenge with my ten-k-step challenge. I’m currently on day three, and I’m not quite half-way there yet. I figured that I would get a bit of rest before going back out to finish it off because I did squats today. I’m usually good with doing the three-sets of twenty, however, we also did more sets  and different variations on the squat.

I got my my steps in yesterday, but I ended up with another oddly shaped sunburn again. The barbell was a bit uncomfortable on the sunburn, yet I pushed through and did alright. I surprised myself with as well as I did. Plus, we got in some deeper sets on top of the normal squats we did.

The more I train, the more I think that I really do want to learn and also become a personal trainer as well. Like I said before, it would add a bit of Creedence to my CK Project, and I really do like helping other people. Whether by motivation, inspiration, or however, it gives me a different purpose in my life. I don’t think I would have ever wanted to do this about ten or so years ago.

I know that when I started the Project about seven years ago, it was more about accountability, than anything else. I was glad that people where being inspired, and it made me feel good to know that I could have such a positive impact, now it’s one of the driving forces behind what I do.

This is the legacy that I want to leave: The fact that I was able to help someone change for the better. There’s been too much in my life that’s been caused by negativity, and I don’t want to be someone who has turned into something that just adds to the negativity. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this all too much on social media. Facebook, Twitter; there’s a bunch of negative posts about religion and politics that happens.

I find that I’ve seen the worst in people on my pages. I choose not to comment because I pick and choose my battles, even though I’m also going to admit now, that I have a tendency to be interested in the unknown variables, just because I’m interested in the way “the system” will respond to it. It can be frustrating that I find myself on the losing end of the vote, as often times what I wanted, doesn’t seem to win.

Anyway, as I’ve observed the political debates, or religious debates go from a mature amicable conversation, to name calling and a two paragraph message on someone’s reason that someone else is “stupid”. I mean come on, we all have our opinions, but why does it have to resort to name calling, just because someone doesn’t agree. Why not just agree to disagree, so that the name calling doesn’t devolve into a match of a typed out boxing match. I feel that it doesn’t put a favorable light on the complete argument. Yes, I’ve fallen into this trap a couple of times, but I’m trying to become a better person, and not reflect that type of negativity.

All I’m saying is, try and be good humans to each other, and with that being said, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap. I do have my seven month check-up on Saturday, and we’re going to be spending the day on adventures.

Outside’s Gonna Melt Your Face, But I’m Feeling Fine.

The summer heat is cooking, and with this weather last year everyday felt like the scene from Raiders of the Lost Art,  in where the Nazi’s open the Ark of the Covenant, and their faces melt off. However, I’ve come prepared more for the heat this year then I have been in the past several years. Where being on the job in years past, my back would be a sweaty water fall, it’s now just a trickle. I do still think that the heat sucks, but at least I don’t feel like I’m about to die everyday.

I did my two week weigh–in on Friday, and discovered myself down another three-point-one pounds. I’ve discovered that that’s about what I’ve been averaging for the last few months, is about three to four pounds every two weeks. That’s not bad considering that one to two pounds a week is what would be classified normal. Looking at pants sizes of the biggest at fifty-four, and looking at the waist of a forty-two, is a big difference.

That brings my total down one hundred-twenty-one-point-two pounds. I joke and say that I’ve lost my wife in weight. It’s about true, and I’m good with that. I still get those moments of being nervous of being caught in a stall. Especially since the hundred-plus weather isn’t helping my motivation at all. I also went for a walk on Thursday after work, and discovered that I had burnt the top of my head on the walk.36329976_2091643187757945_3984035268909858816_o

I took the above picture on my phone on that Thursday around six-thirty in the evening. I like how the shadows give a bit of a serious look. As I walk, I think about anything and everything. I realized that this is my meditation, as I’m always in my head when I walk. I guess you could say that this is my time at “church”. A time where I have conversations with God. I know that it gives me the chance to just walk, and not think about the physical activity that I’m doing.

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This is the best I’ve felt in a long time. I took this for my weigh-in update photo for the social media. When I saw the scale read three-hundred-eight-point-seven pounds, it’s truly a great feeling. I haven’t been this light, since my oldest child was born, and that was seventeen years ago. The changes, both physically and mentally are incredible. My body is getting closer to my self-image.

It’s incredible to think that as I get ever closer to my fortieth year in life, that I have finally taken control back of who I am. It feels that I let most of my twenties and thirties kind of keep me down, and dictate my uncontrollable self. A feeling of helplessness and hatred for the decisions that I was making. I was lashing out at myself because I let myself get a certain way. I have that control now. I’m not letting life pass me by. I’m finding that strength and happiness that I deserve as a person.

Speaking of goals, I have a few updates about the other parts of my life. One, we are almost ready to go full ahead and film our short The Reunion, that’s the official title of what was previously known as The Dialogue. I’m excited to be working with the casted individuals, as one of them has worked with me, and for me in other projects before. Plus the new blood joining us really seems to be like a good guy as well. I can’t wait to get started so that we can get this one in the “can” and continue on with the other things we’re planing on doing.

The other news, is related to the Geekultural Experience. I’ve been talking to a writer on Tumblr about checking out his Manga and this will be one of those I’ll do a review on for my geek media. I think this is the start of something that could help boost his, and our brands together and I look forward to seeing what other connections that I’ll be doing through the various platforms of social media.

As a reflection of the what’s going on in my personal life: My oldest child will be seventeen years old this Wednesday, and I’m both proud, and surprised by this fact. She’s grown into a beautiful person, and she’s made me very proud of the accomplishments that she’s set for herself. She also makes me feel incredibly old because she is turning seventeen, but I look forward to spending the day with her and watching the fireworks, because she shares the day with the birth of our country’s independence.

Well, this is the Director with another blog, and that’s a wrap.

“Fat Tuesday”

Everything’s been going well; I’ve lost some weight, and I’ve been feeling better than I have in years, however, I did have a fat day yesterday. No, I didn’t gorge myself on food, and I don’t think I started retaining water, but I just felt like I was fat yesterday. I know that it comes occasionally with the territory, I mean, I’ve not had this much success in losing weight and it takes time to convince my brain to realize that I’m not fat. It’s funny how the mind places tricks like that.

Could it have been from the heat? Maybe it was because I was up early, and I wasn’t completely functioning when I got dressed. All I know is that I had a day of feeling fat. It’s odd that I felt that way yesterday, and yet today I feel pretty damn good about myself. As a matter of fact, I’ll up that ante and say that I feel like my three x shirt was a bit bigger on me than I thought it would be. I’ll take that win.

I’m getting ready to have a wrench thrown into my life by having to change my schedule at work. So, I’m shifting to the swing shift, which would put me at a one pm to eleven pm time frame. The best part is that I won’t have to wake up at four in the morning: at least for the next six months. That is either until we have to change schedules again, or I get that ever hopeful other job.

This puts me in a difficult place as to where my life is right now. I spend most of the afternoon and evening with the kids, and then we do my personal training sessions, and I also assist with the kid’s grappling class. I find that I’ve been enjoying playing “couch” to help develop the youngsters, as they grow as a team and individuals. Yes, the biased part of me, loves to watch my own kids participate, and interact with them as well.

Another issue that this might present, is the fact that I just finally casted The Dialogue and we’ll need to get some meetings so that we can get the script and the chemistry down. I’m really excited by this because I had to do the whole casting process with minimal help. I do like to work with my team on these decisions, but I was okay filling in the role on this project, and doing the final decision calls, wasn’t bad. Everybody who tried out, brought something that got me thinking of other ways to utilize these talents in other projects, and I look forward to working with each of those who didn’t make it in another project.

I also found myself with the opportunity to recruit another member into the crew. This individual, I actually met on a movie set as we were both extras in a low-budget sci-fi movie. We got to know each other a bit over the weekend we spent on set, and geeked out about comics(what a surprise, right?). He had said that he had wanted to have his own indie company, but I beat him to it. I replied with the fact that we’ve been looking to expand for the last few months, and I’ll find somewhere to apply his talents.

I’m not going to lie, I had a week of where I wasn’t exactly motivated to get much done as a creative individual, and that’s okay, because I’m back, baby! I’ve got that motivation back and I’m going to be working on several things. I love the things I do, it brings a since of peace that I need.

Before I end this blog, I want to give a huge, HUGE shout out to my friend Terri Peterson. She does a blog called MY BARIATRIC JOURNEY, and she’s been accepted to have the weight loss surgery. I’ve known her for about nine months, and we’ve shared in each other’s successes. I’m proud of her, and glad that we became friends. If you’re curious, I suggest checking out her blog, as it is very personal and heart felt.

So much is going on, and I can’t wait to see where things take me. This is the Director, and that is a wrap.

Where Did The Weekend Go?

To start out this blog, I should fill you in on where my weekend went… The family and I went out to town to spend part of the day in Burbank, while waiting for Autumn to reach LAX from Florida. As we were there, we went to a couple of prop stores, and a Film shop to do some looking around.

Film Tools was the name of the shop, and it had so much, that I need to go back down there soon, and look some more, but I think that I’ll end up taking part of my crew with me to help make decisions. I picked up some fog in a can, for the short I’m getting ready to do, and some colored gels for lighting. The kids were overwhelmed, and they got a lesson to boot while we were there.

I think they were most fascinated by the tracks that you could use for moving the camera around for smooth tracking shots. The got to learn about Apple and Cherry boxes while they were at it. Plus they learned a little about lighting a flags that help manipulate that lighting. Little Chris got a bit overloaded with information.

We then proceeded to go to the mall to kill a few hours before we were to go to the airport to pick up the oldest. It was an adventure, but I find that malls are becoming a bit disappointing anymore. The lack of variety in stores has become morose, and it seems that all they are are clothing stores anymore.

So from the mall in Burbank to the airport, was about seventeen miles, yet it took us just about a hour to get there. Once we arrived we hung out, got coffee, and waiting until Autumn’s flight was supposed to arrive at ten-thirtyfour pm, yet it was delayed until about eleven. Her brother was so happy to see her, and she had a good time at Disney World.

So, we’ll fast forward to two in the morning, and we finally get home. I didn’t fall asleep until four since I had to wind down. LA traffic sucks at almost anytime of day. The airport is horrible since it’s so busy, but we made it in one piece.

That’s where the title comes into play. I woke up around nine in the morning, and laze around most of the day. I didn’t get motivated until about three and then we went out and did a few things. Saturday felt kind of like a waisted day, but it also ended up being my day of rest. It doesn’t help that the heat of 100 plus degrees haunts this little town of Ridgecrest. That’s what happens when you’re about at the back door of Death Valley. No shit! It gets that hot, and yet it’s still “a dry heat”. Hot is hot, no matter the form.

Sunday faired a bit better as we went for a three mile hike up behind the college. Unfortunately, little Chris hasn’t been feeling the best because of the heat, and has had a heat related headache for over a week. I can’t imagine what that would be like for an autistic child. I think it might be a bit worse.

After the hike, we went to Wal-Mart to cool off, and decided to eat at the Subway there. I’m making the “smart, healthy choices” these days. We then came home and I decided to take a nap as the heat had worn me out as well. While the nap was great, my mind wasn’t in a mood to do the work that I had planned on doing that day. Hence the big gap between blogs.

Well, summer is officially here, the heat index is outrageous, and I’m working outside for at least eight hours a day. The plus is the the longest day of the year is past, and the days will start getting shorter. For such a short season, it always seems that summer takes the longest to get through. I’m handling it far better than I did last year, when I felt like I was on the verge of passing out, everyday I was at work, and I’m not sweating like a water fall anymore. I guess that’s what happens when there’s a loss of about twenty percent body fat.

I’m going to be taking some extra classes to learn IT support, and possibly my Personal Trainer certs. This is going to be an exciting adventure as I’ve also got for projects in various stages, ready to film. It’s going to keep me busy, that’s for sure.

Any way, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

The Half Way Mark

So, I was at work yesterday, and I realized that if I lose another 118 pounds, I will be at 193, and that would be about the goal weight I want to be. It’s amazing that almost seven months since my surgery, I’m at the half way point of my weight loss journey. I’ve come so far, and yet I have so much more that I have to do.

I finally got into a different pair of work pants this week. I’m in forty-two/thirties now. That’s a size that I haven’t worn since Sarah and I started out as a couple. Man, I’m feeling like I’m batting a thousand, and I’m happy that the weight loss journey is going so well. I’m also considering getting my personal trainers license. I think it would add a bit of credence to the CK Project, and part of the whole idea behind that is self-improvement.

I’m excited because I should be getting my second prototype shirt next week. If it’s the look I’ve been looking for, I’ll be ready to launch them to the public. I’ve already been told by a few people that they have an interest in supporting the brand and I’m excited by that. Next will be to get my production company  merchandise going. So much to do in so little time.

So, we did the casting call for The Dialogue, last weekend. However, we also had a couple of people do a read through last night. I really liked the way it went, but I have one other interested, and I want to give him a chance to read. Then I will have a few meetings with the various actors who tried out and see what chemistry might be there.

This process is different than when we did Nash Gray(2017). I was told that no two productions are the same, so. I look forward to the challenge that this is going to present itself. I’m also going to be going back and re-editing Appreciate What You Got, it was my first short, and the editing could have been done better. This project will be addressed again at another time for sure. I have my actor still interested in re-shooting it.

Looking at this weekend, the family and I have to go back to LAX to pick up our oldest, who’s coming home from her trip to Florida. She’s seemed to be having such a great time down there, however she is missed. We’re also going to kill two birds with one stone, because it’s the youngest’s birthday that day, we’re going to do a bit of shopping in Burbank and look at film and prop stores in the area. It’s part of the research for the film company.

Going back to the production company, we’ve got two more projects that are ready to go into pre-production after we finish this short. Plus, I’m working on getting a few more going, as I’ve started working on a few more scripts that have come my way. I’ll be working on those as I continue to get these projects going.

It’s summer and it’s crazy hot outside during the work hours. My advice is to stay hydrated and take care of yourself. This summer seems like it’s going to be hotter than usual, and I’ve been one to have been a victim of heat stress, twice, and it’s no joke. I do find that my surgery has made it harder to get all that water that’s recommended in. The heat motivates me to drink more, yet I have to be careful because too much water at one time tends to make me feel a bit sick.

The heat is harsh, and it seems to suck the energy right out of me, which has caused my motivation to struggle a bit. I mean who really likes to go out in 100 degree plus weather to get their exercise on? Though my personal training is improving as I’m pushing heavier weights now. Success!

So this is the director, and that is a wrap. Be good to yourselves and each other.

A Half Year Out

So today marks my six month anniversary of having the gastric sleeve. I came home not feeling well today, and I wasn’t sure what it was, but I slept it off, so I guess it wasn’t anything too serious. I don’t think that it was the heat, but the pain in my stomach wouldn’t allow me to breath in the vest that I was wearing at work.

It’s a time to reflect on what I’ve learned from the last six months: The first of many is the fact that I’ve learned to love myself again. Self image is something that can affect your psyche, and when you hate the way you look, it brings down your self-esteem. I’ll be the first to admit that presenting myself with an ego and larger than life personality has been the way I’ve over compensated for my own self-esteem.

Secondly, I’ve discovered how humbled I’ve become by the response of my weight loss.  I’m proud of the fact that I’ve lost 114.7 pounds so far, but when people say how they have to do a double take to recognize me, that makes me feel good. I’ve also come to realize that each person’s journey in life is different than one another. I think too many times people, myself included, find themselves comparing their lives to others. For example, better employment, that seems to have been given to someone else. How people can eat anything and stay skinny.

I think that in these moments, is our defining moment. Do we let the bitterness and jealously define who we are as people, or do we learn to appreciate the voyage to get us to where we are in life? I’ve spent so much negative energy idolizing others, and I’ve discovered that I shouldn’t. I’m a survivor, and I’m not sure everyone has it in them to be strong like that.

I’ve also learned that helping others keeps being affirmed with each interaction I have with people. Helping others is a wonderful experience, and success in others gives me a sense of accomplishment. I’m sure that the CK Project is where I’m going to find my biggest purpose in life. Yet, I still plan on making movies, so the drive is to continue to multi-task for as long as possible.

With the recent news of the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I’m reminded that depression and loneliness go hand in hand. People have stated, that they don’t understand why someone would take their own lives, since they seemed “normal” before they took their own lives. From my own experience, when in that state of mind, it’s hard to express, and “it’s feeling lonely in a room full of people”. Even when feeling that way, it’s hard to express the need for help. Many times, that demon is hard to battle as it often times seems like it’s a one persona struggle.

The need for help is often there, but hard to figure out where to turn for help. I was fortunate to get that help before it’s was too late. Had I not, I would have taken my life. The result of that help is in the contents of these blogs. I’ve become more driven, and I’m finding success in life. Plus, I’m connecting with people on a level I’ve never attempted before.

Self-investment, was a key role in helping me discover myself, and the potential is infinite. Don’t let other’s define who you are; you can always improve, and it’s never too late.

I’ve also realized that I’m almost fitting in a 2x shirt. That’s a great accomplishment as that seems to be the biggest size in most stores. I’ve been eyeing some shirts that I’d like to eventually fit myself into at some of the more mainstream stores. My style of baggy clothes have started to change. I’m no longer hiding my body in overly sized clothing, and I’m finding nicer things to wear. Sarah says that she likes it, so I think that decision is a keeper.

It’s incredible how far I’ve come on my journey of self-acceptance, and my personal growth is going farther than I expected. I look forward to having you continue to follow this journey of mine. I hope you reach out and network with me, perhaps we’ll find a bond that will benefit the both of us. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

New Time Same Trainer

So, I ended up changing my training time from 5:30 to 4:00 on Mondays and Wednesdays. I think this time will work better for me in the end. I was also able to assist with Grappling lessons today. Sitting on the mat and watching the matches was fun. It also reminded me that my body isn’t used to that sort of thing as I was having issues getting off of the ground. I guess that’s what happens when you do Dead Lifts and Squats.

Squats were the last exercise I did today. I felt the burn as I rounded out my last exercise, and I ended up taking it a bit slower than I really wanted too. At least my form is getting better. It’s good that we’re hitting about every major part of the body during my half hour workout. I plan on going to the gym on Friday, it’ll be in the morning, but it will also give my son a chance to try and “pump some iron”.

I feel that taking him to the gym with me will give us some bonding time, and I can teach him something. It’ll help keep me going as well. I really do need to step up the number of days that I’m lifting weights. I think it’ll help my sessions with Sam as well. I’m not sure if I have the courage to do squats without a spotter though. I’ll be able to show the difference between using free weights and what using the machines will be like.

Another thing that I started doing was helping Sam out with the grappling class today. One thing, was that Sam(my trainer) was a bit short handed, and two it was fun to help guide children in the right direction with the techniques they were using. I want to say that it was even better to help Little Chris understand the moves a bit better. As a father I’m proud of the steps that the little kids have made there. Lily in particular has seemed to taken off with it, and both kids seem to be making friends.

One of the things that I’ve noticed, is that I’m gaining flexibility. I’ve been trying to stretch my legs a bit over the last several days, and now that my belly is gone, I can cross my legs. I know that it sounds a bit silly, but that is a big goal. I still have a long way to go until I’m satisfied with my movement.

I’ve been in contact with a friend who’s had weight loss surgery, and they’ve been a bit down about gaining some of their weight back. Well, I’m happy to say that I’ve stepped in and offered to help get them back on track. It’s funny to think on how the mind can effect the body, but negative thoughts doesn’t ever help the situation. I think this is going to help me be better at one of the goals I’m trying to achieve with the CK Project.

One another note, another long time friend has also decided to start their own weight loss journey, and I’ve also offered to walk and motivate them as well. I’m thrilled by the fact that I’m allowed to be the person supporting them. It give me a sense of purpose. Again, this helps to push me as a motivational speaker, because it’s one of the many “hats” I want to wear.

The one thing I think that I’m leaving with the lesson of this week is that the accepted help has strengthened my resolve to keep going with what I’m doing. This is the time in my life, where I absolutely love life, and am totally sure that I’m in the best place that I’ve been in my life. I’ve got a great family life. I’ve got goals, and the drive to see them through. I couldn’t ask for much more, except that I actually make the money from the projects that I’ve got going.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Six Month Update

It’s amazing to realize that as of next Monday, I’ll officially be six months out post surgery from the Gastric Sleeve.  So, the status update is that I lost another 2.9 pounds. That puts me at 315.2, with my BMI at 45.2. It’s crazy to think that I’ve lost almost twenty percent body fat so far. Yet, I’m almost to the half way mark on this journey.

I’m still seeing my personal trainer two days a week. I’m a bit frustrated because I feel like I should be making better progress with my strength, yet I try to bust my ass every time I go. The heat and work, don’t really seem to help me there. Maybe, I’m not getting enough nutrition to help out?

So far, I’ve started the month on a good note, by getting those 10,000 steps in everyday, except today. I’m trying to take Sunday’s off as my day of rest. I’ll be up to pushing myself again. My current goal is to hit the 300 pound mark, and hopefully before my appointment on the seventy of July. Crazy that it’s the seven month mark.

Summer is here, and I’m sure we’re going to make a trip to the lake, or perhaps the beach or something this summer. Crazier is the fact that my kids have finished another year of school. Kids grow up so fast, it’s crazy. My son made me smile yesterday as he has me as his lock screen. It’s of me doing crunches, and he said that he’s proud of me. There’s a joy in the fact that children find pride in their parents. It makes things worth it.

Moving on to other business: So we’ve gone into pre-production on our next short. We’ve got the location scouted, and are writing up some descriptions for casting calls. We’re also doing some research on props for the said short, being that one prop is the center for one of the character’s motives. This will be going on soon enough, and I’m excited that we’re moving forward again. Plus, we should be moving forward with the conversion of the studio. I bought the first thing that was needed off of the list, and I should have some extras from converting my son’s room for part of the list.

I’ve been organizing my scripts and going through each of them. I’ll have to re-read some of them as that the transferring from one program to another has shifted things a bit. I’ve got like nine different projects going. It’s weird seeing them all as a list on one page, but it reminds me that the creative process is strong with me.

I’m liking the fact that I have other collaborators to work with. It’s great to have new ideas being brought forth. I can’t wait to get into working on them, but again, I do still have several projects going on at the same time, and I know that not all of those ideas have been put on the computer yet. So there will be more to come soon.

I need to start doing more on my CK Project documentary soon. I know that I’m going to be using the things that I’ve used as updates on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, and I’m going to be utilizing Snapchat a bit more. I just haven’t decided which project I want to use it for, either the motivation or the production company, hell I might do both, but I’m unsure yet.

Here’s some pics from yesterday’s appointment :6 month pics

This woman is my biggest supporter, and I don’t think I’d be nearly where I am if it wasn’t for her. I’m noticing the difference in my looks as well. Especially in the picture on the right. Plus my support and I have been together for eighteen years, this year. Her birthday is on Thursday, and she deserves to be celebrated.

Well, the work week is about upon us, so I leave these parting words for everyone. It can be a rough ride to be successful, but remember that all the hard work and patience will be worth it. I can’t think of a time where I have more ups then downs until this point in my life. Remember, don’t let the harsh words of others define you. I know that I spent a majority of my life feeling that way, and feeling less then. I’ve come to a maturity of self acceptance, and self love. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

P.S. This week, The CK Project on Facebook got more views from people I wasn’t expecting. Thank you for the support, as this journey gets bigger.

Feeling The Funk

Well, I’m down another 6.3 pounds for a total of 107.9 lost. While I’m happy to be at 322 pounds, I’ve been in kind of a mood lately. I want to say that it started yesterday, but truth is, I think that it’s been going on for a bit longer, or at least lingering at the back part of my mind. Hence why I haven’t blogged in about a week, but alas, I think I’m finally crawling out of that eternal hole of self pity and doubt.

Life has been good to me, and so much positivity has been coming my way for some time, but every once in a while, self-doubt comes into play. Thoughts that come through like am I ever going to be able to be successful? Am I really liked? Am I doing the right thing? These thoughts come into my head every once in a while, even when things are going so well.

Yes, I know that the answers to those questions are yes, but when dealing with depression, they can hit at any moment. At least I know how to deal with them better, these days. I appreciate those who I talked too and who understand and have been supportive. Some of them have been with me a very long time, and it’s nice to have that cushion of support when I need it. Those are the people who understand how you can feel all alone in a room full of people.

On to the more positive side of things, progress is being made in life, and I can’t wait until I can officially release details on what’s going on. The news that I’m receiving is up lifting and gives me hope for better things, but I don’t want to jinx it.

So, my personal trainer has been pushing me harder in my workout, and when I made up a day on Friday, I didn’t know what I was going to do. He pushed me through a circuit that about half way through the middle of my second round I didn’t think that I was going to make it. I had to dig down deep and push. My body was trying to convince me that I wasn’t going to make it through, and my mind was trying to tell my body that I could do it. I hate when the body and mind get into an argument, I don’t think it ever ends well for the spirit.

I’m starting to see the muscle definition in my arms. I still have a ways to go before I get those six pack abs. I’d love to have them, but I’m not in any hurry to obtain them. I feel like I’m still trying to get used to actually push myself into working out harder. Convincing myself has been even harder to do, but I’ll get there.

It seems that this month’s motivation to get in the steps has been a struggle for me this time. I know that with the heat coming in, I’m not prepared to deal with being drained of energy from this “dry” desert heat, but sure enough, it seems to happen every year. The worst part is that summer feels like it’s come early. I’d rather have a Westeros “Winter is coming”, to be honest. I prefer the colder weather over the heat.

I’m excited that the next prototype of the CK Project shirts are being developed. Once I get my hands on it and give it the final approval, I’ve already got people wanting to represent the Project, and I’m grateful for the love and support from them.

It’s an amazing feeling to be part of starting a movement, and I’ve had people tell me in private on how proud of me they were, and they plan on keeping watch for further developments. While I’m grateful, I do say that the best way to support me is to follow my content. Like and share what I’m doing. If it motivates you, let other’s know so that they can get motivated too. That’s the biggest and best way to show support.

Remember the weight is at 322 pounds at this moment. One of the most important things about this is the fact that I haven’ been this light since I was an extra in Disney’s Holes(2003). It’s a great feeling and I’m still not quite half-way there. Keep tuned to see what happens next. As always, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

-101.6, Say What?

Okay, this was the day I have been waiting for, that scale to finally tell me that I hit the triple digits with a loss. So, I feel great, amazing, excited by the fact that I haven’t been close to this weight since 2003. I’ve got a smile that can’t be beat.101.6

One of the most fantastic and odd feelings is the fact that as I do better, I want to push harder to do even better. Think of that statement, and isn’t that an odd thing to think about? Wouldn’t you think slowing down would be a better idea? Why burn yourself out like that? Yet, that’s the shit that motivates me. I’m losing inches, I’m gaining energy, and my drive to get things done is even stronger. This is what excites me, and I want to share this experience with others too.

I remember when I didn’t have a drive to do anything. It was where I would just want to come home after work and sit. I would zone out the rest of the night watching television, or I would play video games. At that time, I would feel better that I could rest my muscles and not hurt as much for my next day at work. This would also be the time that I would take ten steps and start huffing and puffing out of breath.

I can’t really imagine living that way anymore. Sure, I have days that I’m a bit lax on my steps and other movements, but most of the time, I’m on the go. That’s the way I choose to live my life now. I love my video games, but I don’t have the time that I used to for them. I’m sure I’ll spend a day or two here or there playing the new Spider-man or the new Red Dead Redemption 2, but if I’m not working on myself,  I’m working on my brands, and that is my life.

I live the hustle, why? Because I want to succeed in life at the profession of choice. These last four years was the journey of self discovery. I finally grabbed the “brass ring” and decided to run with it. I found the career that I wanted. It did take a bit longer for me to decide that I wanted to live, and now that I made that decision, I’m getting the life I wanted. I’m not trapped in a body that I never felt was mine, and now I’m happy.

I’ve found my motivation for my health, both physically and mentally. I found the motivation to go for what I wanted to do in life, and I continue to strive to get to the point that this will be my livelihood. Too many people are scared to pursue what they really want in life, and choose the “safe route”. It works for people, but are they really happy? Is there where they saw themselves in life as a child? When did we stop being the dreamers that we were of our youth?

I believe that our mistakes are the guidance that we need to make to find ourselves. Otherwise we continue to make those same damn mistakes. Sometimes, we have to go through several mistakes before we get there. I can remember at least three times, where shit hit the fan, and I hit rock bottom. That’s where the depression, magnifies the feelings of helplessness. These events define who we are as people.

The first time was February 29, 1992. This was the time that I had gotten into an accident on my bike, because I wasn’t paying attention. I think I had a hard time that day because I had gotten rejected by a girl I liked that day, or something along those lines. I suffered sever head trauma, that caused me to have a slow down in my thought process. I had to fight to get back to normal. As a matter of fact, I came back, better, and stronger.

The second time was when I was married to my ex-wife. This was a marriage of fuckery from the day she said, “I do.” Suffering complex PTSD from this relationship, thought me two things: One was not to be so trusting with people, and two how to forgive. It’s this second one that took me many years after to finally understand, I ran into my ex about seven years after we split, and I forgave her. I didn’t do it for her, but for myself. I think that this moment helped me grow into a more mature adult.

The third event that would change things, was my meltdown at work. The lesson here was that I needed help. I needed the help because I tend to bottle up everything inside until it gets too much to handle and I explode. Getting that help, got me too the point where I am now.

These moments define who I am as a person. I get that not everyone can get on the Chris Keeling band wagon, and that’s fine. I’m glad that going through life, has given me the momentum to become a tool for advice. I’m glad to use the talents to guide others, and I’m far more able to connect with people, in a way that I’ve never been able to before.

This is the Director, and that’s a wrap.