Thoughts For The Moment

I know that it’s been awhile, and I want to apologize as things have kept me busier than ever. The check list includes, working on getting my second certificate for my personal training, coaching youth wrestling, writing scripts, working a full-time job, and training three to five clients for personal training. It leaves my weekends the only time to get a break, however, this is the only time I can seem to work on my creative things as well. It seems that taking a break, makes me feel guilty, but I get overwhelmed from not doing the film stuff like I want.

So much has gone on since the last time I put a blog out. I’m coming into my own as a coach, I’m now learning and practicing the martial art of Jeet Kune Do, and I’ve been trying to change up my workout routine to get a better benefit from it. A couple of things that really seemed to hit home was Mother’s Day, and the loss of a former co-worker.

While Mother’s Day, is a date to celebrate the mother’s in my life: my wife, my mom, etc. I somehow had a sad, troubled feeling this year. While I’m grateful that I have the mother of my children around, and tried to make it the best I could, I thought about the things that has happened to the women I call mom.

I lost my maternal mother last year to Covid-19 related complications. I wasn’t close to her and I didn’t really know her for most of my life, but ending up in Pennsylvania last year, was a learning experience in the love she had for all her children, as I was never away from her mind. I have wished that I would have handled things a bit differently in my relationship with her, but I found a piece that I had been missing my whole life. I found that I connected with my siblings as well.

Now, my step-mother is the woman who raised me, and she treated me as if I was her own. It helped that her and my father had been life long friends. She’s loved, cared for, and been there for me my entire life. With that being said, it was hard for me this year to be happy for Mother’s Day because it’s hard to see the woman who raised me, not be the same person as she was.

She suffered a major head trauma several years ago, and with her and my father aging and deteriorating, it’s hard to watch what time is doing to them. She barely seems to function anymore, and I get the feelings that she’s on the last legs of her life. It’s not something that comes easy to admit, but that’s the feeling that keeps pulling at my gut.

Mother’s Day was hard again, as I watch the effects of Crohn’s Disease with my wife. She has good days, and some bad. I’m glad she’s a fighter, but at the same time I’m sad because she can’t do all the things she would like to do, or feel the way she used to feel. I watch as she’s come to having to fight her own battles with depression, and her own validity in life. Then I feel like I’ve not done my duties to help her feel better as she’d been my rock through my own mental health battles.

Coming to terms with the change of dynamic in our relationship has been a personal battle for me, though in the end, we’ll always have each other’s backs.

Now I want to speak on the passing of a young man, with whom I had the privilege to work with, even if it was for a brief time. I’m disclosing the fact that I don’t talk about the job I used to do, but at this time, I’m going to speak on it a bit. I used to be a guard and I had a chance to work with a variety of people, from police, to Navy personnel. Travis Griffin was a Navy Master-At-Arms, when I had to privilege to work with on the gates. He was tall, polite, and had a good aura of fun loving that surrounded him.

I befriended him and watched him become a father, then get out of the military and find his journey in life. I was shaken by the fact that his life had ended so soon, as he was a bit younger than me. I know that many of the people that he worked with here, was proud of the man he was becoming and happy for the accomplishments that he made.

Life gets busy and we all tend to fall out of contact with people. I have a sadness inside that I hadn’t had reach out to him for a few years, but through the miracle of social media, I was able to see that he had been doing well. So his death was a bit shocking at that moment.

The sobering part of life is this, as I’ve hit my forties, I’m starting to see more people pass away. Some of them passed for poor choices, and then there are those who’ve started to pass away from more natural causes. I’ve even seen a few close calls for people I wouldn’t have expected health issues to show up. Life is busy, and I think that sometimes we get too caught up in our own heads that we tend to forget to reach out and let people know that we’re thinking of them.

I think that social media has taken up that slack for keeping up, but again we more share about how we’re doing, but I know that I’m guilty of not reaching out to those that matter the most to me. I love them and think of them often, but as long as things seem to be going well on Facebook, I don’t always reach out and say hi. I know that I’ve got those friends who would and have admitted the same.

It really wasn’t until a few years ago that I had lost too many people that I had some real connection too. I lost a friend in an accident, and she wasn’t wearing her seat belt. That was the moment that I realized that I’m reaching a point in my life where I’m going to lose more people that I do care about. It’s not something that a person would like as a reminder that we’re all getting older.

On the positive side of things: life just seems to be getting better all the time. Mentally, I’m in the best place that I’ve been in a long time. As busy as my day’s get anymore, I love what I’m doing. Both jobs are great and I’m making some of the best connections and relationships of my life. Plus I’m doing things that I wouldn’t have thought about doing-wrestling coach. It’s crazy, fun, and challenging. The reward is getting the smiles out of my kids when they do something good.

The other perk to the wrestling job, is that I’m showing kids who don’t feel like they belong any place, that they are accepted and cared for. As a coach, I care about how they are doing mentally as well as having fun. I’ve taken a few of my kids aside just to make sure that they were okay mentally. I think that’s where my strength comes in as a coach, that I care, and it’s not all about winning metals or bouts. I’ve had some parents tell me that their kid has had a positive influence being under my instruction. I’m humbled by that, because there are times that I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing, or that I feel like I’m not a very good coach. That gives me some hope and pride to know that I’m having that positive impact on a young person’s life. I think it’s catching on because I’ve given a few students nick names and other coaches are calling them those names.

I’m sorry that it was so long since my last blog, and I know that I keep saying that I’m going to do better. I do mean it. Anyway, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

Default: Overwhelmed

Over the last several years, I’ve done a huge amount of things to help myself become a better version of the person I was. I’ve grown, learned, and gained so much more in experiences that I could ever really express. I’ve got so much that I want to do, which has been stated in blogs, podcasts, and social media posts. Here’s the issue I keep running into-I get overwhelmed. This is becoming a problem at times, because I don’t get things done because I am getting overwhelmed.

It might be the fact that I seem to have poor time management, or it might be the fact that I’m still trying to find balance in more aspects of life. I’m not sure, but I do seem to keep busy most of the week. First I work for nine hours a day, that includes an one hour lunch. A few of those days, I’m trying to squeeze in a personal training session just so that it can help open up my evening after I get done with my day.

I get home after four in the afternoon, just so I might be able to eat before I go down to the gym and open up for youth wrestling at five o’clock. Practice runs until six-thirty, and I do this for three-days-a-week. Then I go home and take care of relaxing, while trying to also get writing, or studying in before nine or ten at night. Then I shower, and relax for bed. I guess that is a bit busy? It just seems like I don’t have enough time to actually just relax, even my weekends are busy doing things. It’s more fun sure, and it’s not like I’m not enjoying the other aspects in life, I’m just trying to focus and get things done. That overwhelming feeling I get just throws me off my game, and I feel like I revert back into playing video games or watching movies. While it’s not horrible that my life is going this way, I do like writing and I can’t wait to get filming something. I just feel that I want to get so much done, and not all of it is going the way I was expecting.

I apologize for the bitch fest, I’ve just felt overwhelmed and I want to get that focus back. I also spend most of my weekend committed to family and friends, and I have no regrets for how I spend my weekend, I just realize that my last job seemed to be easier to work around, but then I wasn’t doing nearly as much as I’m seemingly doing now.

How do you feel time should be managed? Do you ignore some things, so that you can enjoy others? Being a writer, content creator, trying to manage my physical health, mental health, my relationships with friends and family, it just sometimes seems like it might just be too be a lot.

My ten-thousand-step life has gone down hill meeting the goals, and I try to compensate by playing Just Dance to help get steps up. It works, just pushes my night to go longer, then I”m looking to possibly assist another class on Tuesdays, and Thursdays, which will also keep my evening busy. I think I’ll have to schedule my podcasting to a set time, and do each on opposite weekends. That does sound like a plan.

I must not forget about keeping up with the social media posts, keeping positive, and helping others. What are some of the things that keep you busy? Do you have any tips for not getting overwhelmed?

I remember telling my sister that I kept busy so that I didn’t have time to get negative thoughts in my head. She told me that being busy was good, but it wasn’t helping me deal with the issues at hand. I actually think that she was right. I notice a bad habit is that when things get too much, I tend to procrastinate and shut down at times. I’ve gotten better, but I know that I need to still address some of those issues that I deal with.

Too that, I do have things that I’m absolutely thankful for. One is that I have a job that I love. I’ve had jobs that I’ve enjoyed in the past. I’ve had those that I’ve found something about the job itself to keep me going, and I’ve also had jobs I couldn’t stand. This job however keeps me engaged, and my day seems to go by quickly, for most of the days. The wrestling part, is fun, I enjoy teaching and guiding the kids to learn and grow as people. Twelve hours in my day tends to go by fairly quick, and if it’s a day that I do work out, then I’m usually ready for be around nine-or-ten-at-night. It actually makes me feel old too, and it’s always a night of solid sleep.

I’m hoping to be able to find some time during my week to get out the content, such as a podcast, on my last night of work. I’ve got a team working on other things for me, yet they all have lives, and some have medical issues. I know that what I’m doing now will pay off, but again, I feel overwhelmed at times. Do you know what the worst part of getting overwhelmed is? My answer is that I shut down and don’t do anything constructive, except play video games.

As much as I’ve been a gamer, I realized some time ago that it’s just a distraction from the rest of the world. Worst part is there are times that I find it to just waste time. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with video games, as they are entertainment, just like movies and television, but again, I feel that I could and should be doing something more constructive with my time. I guess that is part of my growth. I mean I go to film school because I love television and movies, and I seem to hardly give at least the television much of my time. Even Youtube is all about me watching tutorials on becoming a better filmmaker, or some health/wellness things. It might involve a few other things as well though.

On a bright note, I woke up Monday morning, got ready for work and actually had a fairly productive day with work, coaching, and a few errands. Some days it actually does amaze me to realize how busy I get. I’m sure that whatever I’ve been feeling, it will eventually balance itself out. Maybe, I’m just being impatient with trying to adjust to everything? Life is overall running smooth, I just wish that I was getting more done in my day, but then I would lose sleep, and after thirteen years of a shitty sleep schedule, I’m actually getting a decent amount of sleep during my work week, and I think that’s great.

Speaking of sleep, it’s an essential part of life running smoothly. It helps with weight, and functioning well. I used to feel weird when I had anything more then four or five hours sleep. Now that I’m getting six-to-six-and-a-half-hours of sleep, I don’t feel so strange. I can’t even believe that I’ve been at my new job for a month-and-a-half now. The crazy part is that my days go by so much faster than I was expecting, and I enjoy being able to use my creative eye with my job. I feel that it will help me become better with filmmaking as well. After all, I always try to do things that serve more than one purpose.

Before we wrap things up, let’s revisit a few things. What happens to you when you get overwhelmed? Do you find ways to overcome that feeling? What tactics do you find useful? Do you feel that fear can be a motivator for being overwhelmed? Please feel free to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com and share your thoughts, or you could leave your comments here on WordPress, and it would help spark a conversation that I’d love to have on this forum.

Remember that you’re not alone in the struggle, there are those who will listen, me being just one of those people. There are also professionals out there to teach you how to cope with whatever might be troubling you. If you need professional help, contact me and I’m sure that I can get you pointed in the right direction, as I’m friends with professionals, and I have people that can help guide you to the appropriate help that is required.

With that being said, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

Live in the Present

I was surfing through Youtube the other day, and something about it just stuck with me. He said living in the past causes depression and that looking to the future causes anxiety. Mind you that this video was about the lost testaments of Jesus, and my love of theology and mythology gets my curiosity from time to time so I watched. It talked about living in the present, and as I went out for my walk after watching the video, that kept going through my head.

I’ve been doing a lot of watching Youtube, trying to pick up new things and learning to brush up and learn new techniques in filmmaking. Yet, something about that video caused me to think profoundly about that idea about living in the present. Depression being linked to the past for some reason hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I hate having to admit that I’ve dwelt on the past for too long most of my life, but putting something like this in a new perspective has really put me in a reflective mood. There’s things that I hate about my past, as well as things that I love. It’s interesting to think about, isn’t it?

I also got into thinking about how anxiety was applied to my life. I remember that I would get anxious when I would start thinking about going to work after the weekend was over. Anxiety is future, depression is past, and it’s crazy how it just seems to make sense to me. With that being said, I’ve been trying to live more in the present since watching that video, and I can honestly say that I seem happier with myself. It could be that I’ve found a new job, and that a new adventure is underway as well. Who knows?

To say that things don’t bother me while living in the present wouldn’t be truthful, there are things going on in my life that are a bit out of my control, however I just try to keep that positive mindset and keep trucking along. I think with any journey that gets undertaken, for example, the mental health journey, the weight loss journey, marriage, the key to being successful in anything you do has to be with mindset.

Let’s face it, we’ve all faltered at some point or another, and have made excuses as to why we failed. I find myself doing it, but not nearly as bad as I used to. I find myself trying to keep myself in check and remind myself to keep going on the right path. The weight loss journey hasn’t been easy, and I know that losing the momentum last year is just now starting to be over come.

An example of over coming the loss of the momentum I had is that I’m pushing myself harder, and I’m finding myself getting into a situation that will keep me motivated. I’ll also admit that I constantly have to remind myself that I don’t want to end up in the spot I had been four years ago. Living uncomfortable in you body has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world. You start to question how you got there, and why do I feel a certain way? I know that I’ve talked about the fact that when I was out of control and at my heaviest, that it constantly felt like an out of body experience. When I looked in the mirror it was like looking at a stranger.

I know that it’s a repeat of things I’ve said before. The fact remains that blogging had been the most therapeutic thing that I could have ever decide to do. It also helped me work on a skill that has made me a better writer for other aspects in my life. I feel like an example of that it’s never too late to get your act together and live your best life. I just wish that I wouldn’t have been as scared when I was younger, I wonder where I would have been had I gone to film school much sooner. Would I have wanted to be my own creator in the business? Would I have made something more of myself in the industry? Would I have all the amazing people in my life today that I do?

I believe that we are all on the path that we’re meant to be on in life. That’s why living in the present is so important, while I could go on with the what ifs, I’m happy where I’m at now. I have an amazing group of people who chose to share in my dream of creating content. It’s made me a better person, and it’s made them better people. I’ve been able to help give people a lift and feel better about themselves. I know that things happen in the time they’re supposed to.

I’m not that same person I was in 2005 when I saw Sin City(2005), there was a shit ton of baggage that I wasn’t even aware of at the time, guiding my decisions. I had not matured to the point that I needed to have the drive or the focus that I’ve been developing the last several years. It took me to be in my thirties before I even got the clue that I needed help, and I needed something more to find myself. Self improvement isn’t easy. Looking at one’s own faults is the hardest thing to do.

Too many times do I see that people want to put the blame somewhere else than themselves. Too many times I see how people can be hypocritical about life. We see the double standard that seems to run society. It is disgusting, and shameful. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. I’ve told my children to, “do as I say, not as I do.” I realize that it’s not effective parenting in the least.

We all need to start living more in the present. There might be something to that. Maybe people won’t struggle so much with past mistakes. Maybe we wouldn’t be so hung up on regrets? As a person who’s had the gastric sleeve done, I paid attention to the support groups, and I’ve seen people come up with regret. Some because they thought it was just going to be the easy way out. Some don’t like the way they look with all that saggy skin. It’s hard to see people struggle with these issues. At least they’ve given themselves a fighting chance to live longer, and more fulfilling lives. I guess not everyone can see that.

Which brings me back to the point of mindset. We think, we believe, and we can achieve. Positive mindsets, breed positive attitudes. I’ve been around some people who are so salty that that can’t seem to find positivity in anything. Unfortunately negative energies are easy to influence people around them. I remember being in a bad mood, just because someone was just negative about everything. That sad part is that it wasn’t that long ago that I was feeling that way most days. This is coming from someone who’s made a habit out of finding the silver lining in most situations. Covid-19? Stay-at-home-orders? Yeah, I said it was just a good opportunity to pay off some bills. I know that it’s not been like that for everyone, and that there’s been many who’ve had to stay home because of this. I think the best way to have dealt with it was that maybe getting those honey-do-lists done, or maybe pick up a new skill? Could work on that hobby that had been nagging in someone’s mind for sometime.

Now, I’m stepping away from the blog for a moment to ask you, the reader, a few questions. I’ve been doing this for the good part of five years now, and I want to know what it is that you like about my blogs? What do you hate? Do you think that I’m full of shit? How can I make it better? I want more interaction because I’ve had people tell me that they read, and that they follow the things I do. If this is your first time checking out the CK Project blog, give me a subscribe and become part of a bigger conversation.

With that being said, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Swim

I’m out of town with a friend today with a friend who’s going in to have some tests done because he’ll be going through the gastric sleeve surgery in a couple of months. To say that I’m excited for him, is an understatement, as I know how much his life is going to change. We are standing out of town for the night as he has to be at the doctor’s office at five-thirty in the morning. I will be his ride home from his endoscopy.

We went out to dinner and decided to go for a walk to get some steps in, but the best part is when we got back to the motel, I checked out the pool. It had a warmer temperature then I was expecting, and I decided to go for a swim. Something I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned in my blogs is that I’m a fan of swimming. If there’s one activity that I love, it’s the fact that I love swimming more than anything else. I would do it all day, everyday.

I haven’t gone swimming since I had my surgery, and I was glad that I had the opportunity to do so. It was the best feeling in the world to feel my body surrounded by water. I’m someone that loves to be anywhere that my feet aren’t touching the solid ground. I love the water, and I love flying. Even though I spend my time more on the ground, any chance I get I’ll go to the water, or air.

The better part was that as I was swimming, I loved the way I felt. I felt so much stronger in the water. I haven’t felt quite like that since I was at my peak condition in the tenth grade. It felt amazing to push myself through the water and just keep going without being tired. I felt like a machine crawling through the water. I miss that feeling. It’s surprising how free I feel being in the water. I spent most of my childhood around the water. The ocean in specific. I remember going to the beaches in Okinawa as a boy and spending all day in the water.

I officially learned to swim in fourth or fifth grade, and I never went back. The pool was huge, and the diving board was high. It felt like twenty feet deep, and the board seems just as high. I jumped off that board, and I would dive have way down to depth of the pool. I don’t even know how deep or high it really was, but I loved it.

I have so many great memories surrounding a pool. I remember how I would spend most of my summer having out at the pool. I would swim and check out the girls. I remember the girlfriends that I made while hanging at the pool. I remember the girl I first fell in love with. The friendships I had made during that time.

Again, I wish I could go find a pool and swim everyday. I find peace in the water surrounding my body. It’s another way that I feel that I connect spiritually. This is something I find myself discovering more; my spirituality. I don’t really have time for organized religion, as I’ve come to question most things about it, but believing in some higher power is there, and I’m finding my connection with the spirit more and more.

To quote a friend, he once said to me,”religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell, spirituality is for those who’ve already been there.” It’s amazing how much something like that can connect with the soul. I find myself realizing that water is part of that connection between me and the spiritual world.

The experience from tonight’s swim has given me some time to reflect on the way I’ve been feeling. I feel like the water has washed over some of the doubts, and negative feelings that I’ve been having gnawing at my mind lately. The rush of the water surrounding me as I was gliding through the water felt like a baptism of renewed positivity. It was something that I didn’t know that I really needed.

I’ve been the positive person in front of people, motivating, and keeping my physical self in the process of getting better. There are other things that I’ve not been in sync with for sometime. I still struggle with my confidence. It’s gotten so much better, but there are those days that I still feel like that person who was 430 pounds. I have the days I feel fat, and unattractive. I realize that it sounds silly, but I think we all have those days.

That’s not to say that I have those days very often, but I know that it comes up during times of higher stress. There are factors both of my own design and outside that have been putting me at a slightly elevated. The positive thing is that I’m trying to take the steps that are needed to reduce those factors from influencing me. That means that when I’m successful in what direction I’m heading in, there will be some major changes coming and I have to be prepared for them to happen. Some of these changes could dramatically alter the future for my family. Some are changes that are minor, but will make me a better person for.

I’m looking forward to seeing my hard work pay off, and I welcome the journey that will get me there. It’s never really the beginning or the end that shows us the things we need to know and learn. It’s the journey that gets us there. The struggles, the times where we feel like we want to just break down and give up. I’d been there many times. I wanted to say that I’m done, what’s the use of trying. This was the way I was before I started to change. I had to fight with myself, and I had to keep fighting with myself to keep going.

It really sucks when you give into those thoughts about not being good enough. When feeling like you don’t belong. That’s something that I think the water helped me understand tonight. I needed to let go of the doubt, and just let things happen. I need to believe that I will continue to get the good things that I speak. I am worth that damn.

Life gets complex as I have been filled with these doubts, I’ve also been rewarded by seeing the positive influence that I’ve had on people around me. I would say that the influence of one or two people was good, however I’ve been seeing it more and more lately. Double digits at that, and now I’m in awe that I’ve started something that makes me happy and continues to fill me with such a great joy.

Even with the doubts and struggles, it reminds me that I’m living the best me. I shouldn’t have the doubt that I do, and I matter. I think that’s something many of us strive to have, the feeling of making a difference in the world. So far, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do, and I will continue doing it for as long as I can. Why? Because people matter to me, and seeing the struggles just makes that more cemented in my mind that I want to help make that difference.

Please, like and subscribe to my blog. It helps to remind me that I’m doing the job that I set out to do. You can follow the CK Project  podcast at https://anchor.fm/CkProject. Like and subscribe to that too. I love to know that people are paying attention. Plus it helps let other people know that someone actually pays attention, and then it just snowballs into a bigger ball, and soon I’ll be able to do more with the brand. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Feeling of Failure

I went in for another check-up this weekend with West Medical. It’s been two-years and two months since I went through this whole process. I went in and had a gain of six-pounds. That was just from the last check-up last month. I can probably make as many excuses on why that was. One being that they had just moved and probably hadn’t calibrated the scale, two, maybe because I’ve been having issues with my bowls. Yet, I’m not going to make those excuses.

I know that I’m not going to hit a home run every single time that I go in, and being stuck in the same area since May of last year has been frustrating. Plus, I’ve been going to get togethers over the last several weekends and I haven’t kept myself in check with the eating. On top of that this week just wasn’t the best week to get my workouts in.

This was my second week on the nightshift, and it felt a bit more difficult to be adjusted too than the first week. Again, I’m not making excuses, I just know that I need to work harder and stay more consistent with what I’m doing. Hell, my streak for 10,000 plus steps a day finally came to an end as of Sunday. I wasn’t feeling it, and honestly I felt like it was a day to kind of throw myself a bit of a pity party.

It made for a slightly depressed weekend for me, and I know that I’m better than that. I had a brief moment of wanting to give it all up. After working hard for the last two years, I felt it. I’ve been feeling a bit on the fat side lately too, and it hasn’t helped my case at all. As of the Super Bowl, I did get a little carried away on the food again. I didn’t gorge myself like I would have in the past, but I also realize that when I get a bit over full, I become really tired, and that’s not a good sign.

I didn’t do an update picture, or announcement because I’m ashamed that I let myself get carried away. I’ve had a period of weakness, but I’m not done with this journey by a long shot. I am trying to find that determination to pick myself back up and continue on this path which has made me far more happier than I thought I would be.

Like all journeys, we struggle along the way. I find myself in doubt often. With that has come a lot of self-realization. I realize that there’s a lot of phycological baggage that seems to want to weigh me down as I go through this. I also realize that I’m stronger than I think I am. I need to find that balance and get that resolve back.

I look back at all the things that I’ve done, and I see where I am in relation to what I started at. I like pushing myself, I like that feeling that I get after a good workout. I’m liking the way my body looks more and more. I just don’t like the days were I feel fat and unattractive.

That’s something that I find different, is the fact that I actually don’t think I’m ugly like I used to be. Years of negative talk had kept me down. Even when I try to make others feel better about themselves. I think I would be that way to mask the fact that I didn’t like myself so much.

I actually did a podcast on relationships on Saturday night https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA. If you’ve never heard one of my podcasts, please listen. I’d appreciate feedback on the subject of how relationships are never truly equal, and relationships with ourselves change like that too. I notice that once I actually took the time to start investing in myself, that I started liking myself so much more than I had.

Why is it that it seems like we are our own biggest critic? We are our own worst enemy about most decisions in life? I have been surrounded by negative energy my whole life, while I’ve been loved and had positive things as well. It’s the negative that always seems to stick out to me. Is this a way that the mind gets programmed to hove the thoughts that we do? Society isn’t kind to us in that respect, and it’s a shame that we don’t seem to want to treat each other better as a whole.

As I write this, I’m finding something inside of me that wants to keep pushing forward. I’ve got so much that I want to do, and I know that there are things that are preventing me from my utmost potential, for an example, I sprained my ankle a while back and was trying to take it easy, but as I felt that I could work it again, it would pop, and hurt. This was up until one of my last training sessions. Yet, I’m going to get on this and get past my negative, and self-sabotage. I will win, because in the end I don’t have any other option.

It’s funny how much more I feel that I take on for myself, partly it’s because it’s a distraction from being this ball of depression. I get to a point that concentrating on just a few things has gotten me to seem like I have to squeeze other essential parts in between those tasks that I’m already doing.

I have to take care of family, which I would never deny, self-care, and get my creative endeavors going. It sometimes feels like it can be a bit overwhelming, and I know that I do this to myself. It’s gotten better as I used to start things and never get around to completing them. Now, if it’s something I really want to work on, I write it down. Then I’ll see something and it just adds to me adding more projects, and stories. My walking everyday, my working out, is the moment that I work on my temple and spend time in my spiritual world.

I had a hard time actually wanting to write this blog, because I love talking about the good things going on with my weight loss journey. Though I would be be phony if I didn’t talk about the bumps in the road. As I look back at what the CK Project  is, I see how things have changed. I see that it went from just about weight loss, then to mental health, to a hodgepodge of both of those worlds.

This blog has helped me in so many ways as  therapy, and there have been times that things had been going so good, that I had no idea what I was going to write. For those who do follow and read, from the bottom of my heart, I do appreciate you. Sarah, I know that you, as my wife are usually one of those who read them first, as you follow, like and support everything I do. Keep staying with me through this I appreciate it, and I hope you find enlightenment from it. If you have any questions, statements, or whatever, please feel free to reach me at ckproject@zohomail.com. Any interaction is good, and it keeps me wanting to do more, and try to be the tool that will help guide people in their troubled times.

Good or bad, I will keep telling my story, and I’m going to do my best not to be something that I’m not. This is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please, like and subscribe.

 

 

I’m Not Your Door Mat

I’ve mentioned how I’ve been changing in both physically and mentally. I mean the weight loss has been obvious, and I’m navigating the new found confidence that I’ve been getting. Mentally, I’m far healthier than ever, but it’s the fact that observing the way others have treated me, is where things have gotten a bit trickier.

In the job that I do, it’s very customer service driven. I mean if you look at it, what job isn’t? Movies are the same thing. You put a story together for a specific audience, that’s why most superhero movies are rated PG-13 and more family friendly. Yes, there are exceptions, but in general, they’re geared to a family audience.

Back to the story though: the people I tend to deal with come across as both impatient and entitled. They also often times expect way more then they should, and expect us to work harder and put unnecessary tasks, that aren’t apart of our job. I was one who would get bullied for “not doing enough”, and that was were some of my depression issues manifested from.

The point that I think I should make clear is that nobody should ever be felt that they aren’t enough. Yes, there are those who we all work with that would like to do the minimum and just be there to get a pay check, but that doesn’t mean that anyone should treat you like you have less value than you do. I know at my lowest point mentally, I would allow that feeling to be validated by those people around me. When I was feeling like a burden, that kind of behavior just seemed to agree with the way I was already feeling.

That was the past though, and if anything has been shown since I started blogging, is that I won’t allow my past to define who I am. That’s something we all should need to remember that our past does not define us. Why should we let something that was a mistake be the defining factor in the definition of our lives? Everyone has a bad moment, and life should be about growth. I found that something like this is where my life needed to change.

Now getting to this point took time to develop, and lots of self-realization to get there. When I finally got to this point, I knew that I needed to change. I knew that I needed something to help me become better than I was. When I decided that I had to accept responsibility for my own actions, and that I wanted something better, growth was the only way to go.

We live in an ugly world, and the truth is that you have people who would rather put you down, and watch you lose, then see you prosper and be successful. Why is that? Why would anybody want ill-will to their fellow human? The statement, “misery loves company,” is true. People will try to bring you down to their level, just so that they can feel better about themselves. Maybe it’s just a way to stroke their ego? I have said in previous blogs that ego is the enemy to ourselves. It’s that way to self-sabotage, and I’ll even say that it leads to negativity in life.

Grow, water, nurture yourself. Maybe ego is the thing that holds you down. I know that I’ve had to deal with the complexity of low-self-esteem, and ego. I think that the ego was to overcompensation for that low-self-esteem. This has lead to so much heart ache and turmoil in some of my relationships. This was something else that fed into the negativity that I was producing in the world.

It’s just like not accepting responsibility for our own actions. I think the realization of accepting that responsibility was the first step in becoming a better person. It’s sad that I have seen this same toxic behavior in others, and watched as it’s ruined relationships and success in others. It seems to make life much harder to get through in the end.

Going back to the point of being a doormat to other people and the negativity that comes with it is this: change the way you look at yourself. I know that I have, and I know that I was in so deep with being treated a certain way, that once I started realizing that it wasn’t acceptable the way I was treated, I started to want that change. When it’s the norm, I guess we don’t realize that it’s that bad. Maybe that’s why people stay in abusive relationships? Could it be because our minds try to protect us from the traumatic horrors that can come from our lives?

I know shedding the fat like I have, feels like I got rid of layers of negativity in my life. I know that for me being fat, it was from a lifetime of negativity in my life. This comes with some odd realizations. My household had always been surrounded with a negative energy. I don’t know if it’s just now, or I don’t remember if it always been, but I think there was always that vibe in the house with my parents.  I just see it more now, as my parents have gotten older, and my mom has always had this temper about her. I just notice it more so now days that she is always yelling when something  disturbs what she’s doing. I think there might be some deeper phycological stuff to deal with there, but I don’t got the degree to analyze it.

Again, the past doesn’t define us. Whatever I had been through, and however I’ve allowed myself to be treated, the past doesn’t define me. I use that to define what I had to help make me better than I was. I use my choices to help make things better, and it helps drive me to do better. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

If you have any questions or comments that you don’t want to post on here, you’re more then welcome to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com

 

 

 

The Birthday Gift

So, I had another checkup with West Medical, out of town on January eleventh.  I went to my appointment with my longtime friend and former co-worker Chris Bennett. He also had a consultation about starting the weight loss process for the gastric sleeve. I’m glad that I could be there for him, and I’m excited to be there for every step of the way.

Not only was it the day I went in for a checkup, but it also was my forty-first birthday, and I was glad that I could spend the day with my extended family. While it had been a while since we did anything like that, it reminded me that these people are some of my favorites to be around for a full day. I’ve been through  so much with this family that I am grateful that we can just get together and have fun.

To get back to the story at hand, I went in for a checkup, and I was hoping that I would have finally made way with my weight loss. Well, I was surprised to find out that I did lose about four pounds. The scale came out to showing 258.8. The last time I weighed in a the doctor’s office I was still sitting at 262.4. This was about the weight I had been since May of 2019. The good part is that my BMI(body mass index) had still been going down during that time period.

Progress is the key, and my friend, Aj Jackson, who’s also a personal trainer keeps mentioning consistency is key on Twitter. He’s right, and with working with Sam Basco on my training, I hadn’t been getting as frustrated as I could have. I just had to shake-up the workout, and honestly, I feel that the food journal is helping me become a bit more responsible about what I do actually put into my mouth. I think that it’s something that will help as I evolve my knowledge about nutrition.

I’ll admit that the way yesterday went, being my birthday, being out of town, and enjoying myself, I did use it as a cheat day. I also forgot to log my food into the journal, but I’ve gotten back on it today. So, I’m not gonna talk about how horrible I may have eaten, but it really wasn’t that bad. I did enjoy seeing Star Wars: The rise of Skywalker(2019) for the second time. What a great way to end a series of movies.

As I share the experience of my weight loss journey, and I’ve inspired people, one of the bonuses that I’ve gotten was the fact that I can join some of them on their own journey’s as well. I would be there for anyone who feels they need that cheerleader in their corner. I know what it’s like to feel like doing things on my own. Though this journey has been sponsored by the most amazing support system of family and friends. I know not everybody else is quite as fortunate as I am, so I’m gonna put out the fact that I’ll be their cheerleader. I’m providing it to my friend Chris, and I’ve also provided it to others through Facebook, Twitter and various other social media sites. I’ve also voiced my support to people that I actually know in the real world.

Let’s make this a year where we can all kick ass together and make life better both physically and mentally. I know that it’s not always easy to maintain. I find that keeping myself going is constant work, and there are days that I really don’t feel like keeping up with the steps, and the miles. I’m trying to change that this year, and actually get my steps in. That was something I almost didn’t get yesterday, but, by the support of the people around me, they indulged me and helped me complete my steps. It wasn’t necessarily the 700 calorie goal that I try to reach, but I figured that if I can at least get my 10,000 steps, then I’m still doing well enough as it is.

Keep in mind that I’ve been pushing myself even with a slightly sprained ankle. It’s not been easy for me to get in the body weight work, but I had gone back to doing some of my weight training. I’ve been working on my form for squats, and getting into my basket, or putting my “ass to the grass” hasn’t been the easiest part of the workout. Getting lower has really worked my muscles and I find that doing this squat with the bar overhead actually keeps me straighter then if I had just had it on my shoulders.

The amazing part of these exercises is that I’m now learning more about my body and it functions. Yes, I know that it might sound weird, but do you ever realize how much the slightest movement in a different direction can change the way you use a particular muscle? Back Squats use more of your lower back, then say a Front Squat which uses more of your Quads. An Overhead Squat uses more of your legs and gluts. I’ve been told that the overhead is actually Olympic style lifting, compared to a back, which is for power lifters.

So, let’s bring this blog around to what today entailed. I was going in to workout with Sam Basco today, which doing weekend workout, isn’t uncommon. I like working out with Sam. The weekend workouts are different than the weekdays, because it becomes a bit more relaxed, and yet the workout is just as good. Strength training can have a slower pace, and I know that my muscles will feel it for hours. I did start today with trying to do my body/ grappling training, but my ankle still wasn’t having it completely. I think that I may still need a week to completely recover.

While I have that bum ankle, Sam was able to work on it a bit today before we called it a day. While it is feeling better and less tight, when he initially works on it, well it hurts. At least I’m okay to tolerate the pain. It’s a wonderful thing to have him as a trainer, because he seems to provide me with more than just a personal trainer. He’s a friend, philosopher, spiritual coach, and nutritionalist.

That’s one of the things we ended up doing today. I took him and his son out for lunch, where we discussed a bit of nutrition. I actually learned somethings today. One being about how to be more mindful about going out to eat a meal. I know that I have plenty more to learn, but this whole thing is going to make me more well rounded in my weight loss journey, and will help me when I start down the path to get my personal trainer cert. I think I’ll go for nutrition as well.

I can’t thank the people who’ve supported me enough. It’s helped keep me going. I want to thank those who actually have the hands on for my success, they help me get through this journey, and make it look easier. You all are part of this journey, and have been amazing. I see those who I’ve inspired to take up the reigns of their own weight loss journey. This particular group I want to give the biggest shout out too. I see what you’re doing, and that’s amazing, keep it up, because I’m in your corner too.

This is the director and this year has already shown me where it’s going, and all I can say is FUCK YES! Let’s keep this momentum up and show everyone how amazing life is and how much better it still has to go to be even more amazing. So, with that being said, that’s a wrap.

A Change Of Perspective

Going through this weight loss journey has, taken some very unexpected turns. Physically I feel so much better. The way smaller clothes fit, the way I can move. These are the things that have been rewarding me in my everyday life. I keep going, even if there are times I don’t feel like it.

Some days, my motivation is better than other days. Usually getting my 10,000-plus-steps is where my focus usually is. I keep this up as a way to guide myself on the right path. I find that if I rest too long between my exercise and my walking, my movement becomes stiff. Once I get to working on my steps, the walking starts getting easier as I continue.

I find the recovery period has gotten way shorter between my exercise. There would be times that I would workout to fatigue and be sore for days after. Now, it maybe a day or two at the most. Changing up the exercises, and doing the kind of workouts that I do now, are a bit different, because they get into the deeper fibers of my muscle tissue.

As the physical aspect goes, it’s caused me to enjoy exercise even more. It’s not the effort that it once was. The only thing that I find myself dealing with is where I am mentally, because the fat person in me still tells me that I can’t do things. That’s part of where I still struggle.

My perspective on things have changed. I find that I’m confused about how I let people treat me most of my life. In return, I also know that I’ve not always treated people the best either. As a person with a sense of humor, I noticed that I would be mean and nasty with my joking around. I don’t think that I ever really meant any harm by it, but maybe that’s because of the way people used to joke with me?

I know that people have made fun of me, even as an adult. The only difference now is that much of what is said of me, isn’t too my face, and I get that information second hand. It doesn’t bother me because I don’t think people  have really said anything truly cleaver and hurtful enough to bother me. This is coming from the person who’s been made fun of his whole life.

So, how does one deal with a life that is rapidly changing? I’m changing as a person, my family is changing. My oldest daughter is an adult now and is starting to learn about the responsibility of being an adult. My wife is still learning to deal with her Crohn’s Disease.  That dynamic, has put some interesting situations on our relationship. She’s always been the strong, supportive type, and now I find that I have to be the strong one. I’ve always tried to be supportive, however I’m not sure that I’ve been the proper support that I should be.

Now, that puts me in a position to figure out how I can be that proper support. I’m more determined to be the best version of me, but I’m not always sure that means that I’ve been the best version for my family. How do I figure out how I need to be? It’s not always easy to figure out.

I’m always supportive to people who need it. Yet, I find it difficult to be that cheerleader and support that my family needs. I’m not even sure why that is. I do try to be there, but am I really being as receptive as I can be? I find that dealing with people who aren’t as close to me are easier to relate too. It sounds a bit weird, doesn’t it?

Something that I’ve been observing even more is the fact that by my helping other people, I’ve not had to deal with my own issues at times. That’s not saying that I have too many issues that seem to be bothering me, but helping others has always seemed to be the way to divert away from my own issues.

I’m not sure if the way I connect with others has just been better by a more sincere form of talking, or if it’s something else? I do notice that I’ve been getting a bit more irritated by the fact that people seem to try and take advantage of my kindness, even if it wasn’t intentional. I just know that I’m feeling that people should realize that their actions do happen to unintentionally put more responsibility on my job than it should be.

The on-the-spot-high-point of my perspective changing is the fact that I’m more determined to better life for my family and myself. I’ve been pushing forward with my brands, and things are really starting to pick up. We’ve got so much going on for all three brands that I barely have time to keep still. This is a great feeling, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m hoping that it will finally be the year that things start to really pay-off. I’ve poured so much energy into everything that I can’t wait to see how the fruits of my labor are going to pay off.

Anyway, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Smacking The Mat

Wow! It’s interesting that I went in a different direction with my personal training. My friend and personal trainer Sam has told me that I’m ready to go to the next level of my workout. We’ve gone from lifting weights unto mat training, in where I’m doing body weight exercises. This is showing me exactly where I needed to go for my conditioning.

This week challenged me in ways I wasn’t expecting, yet I feel that this is exactly what I needed to help break this plateau that I’ve been stuck on for several months. The downside is that my feet and legs are all scraped up. The strange part is that my toes were hurting last night while at work.

Part of this new fever into my training is that I’m also hitting about 700 calories a night from my walking, and it’s been that way for fifteen-days-straight.  I’m glad that I’ve had the chance to refocus on what’s important in my weight loss journey. I’ve got challenges ahead, but I will overcome those same challenges.

Watching the videos from my workout is kind of a painful experience as I feel that I look silly, but it is a lot of hard work. Plus it’s quite fun with this new challenge. Did I mention that my toes even hurt? Of course I did. It’s amazing how the exercises are now hitting the smaller parts of my muscles, and doing the Bear Crawl, I could tell that my shoulders were already in trouble.

It’s been something that’s caused me to feel tired, and feeling like I could take a nap. That makes it a bit difficult since I work about two-hours after I do my workout. The good side is that it helps me rest at night. I’m excited for this step in my journey, it’s going to put me into another level all together. I think this will help with my confidence, and give me something more in discipline.

The metamorphosis of my changes have effected me in several ways. One way is the way I’ve been feeling about the social environmental around me. I find that I don’t appreciate the negative ways that some people have treated me in the past. I think it’s also has made me realize how I’ve treated people in the past. I’ll be the first to admit that my sense of humor can come off like an asshole.

I know that I’m not perfect, but I have come a long ways from where I started. I had an ego that drove forward all my decisions and for that I am trying to improve. I look forward to this new training regiment to help focus me and help me grow more spiritually as well. I’ve been made aware of the energy that connects us, while part of me wanted to think that it might be silly. I’ve been seeing it work through my workouts with Sam.

I’m looking forward to the changes that will be coming my way in the near future as I want to see where it takes me. I want to feel even stronger and better than I am now. It makes me hungry to be better than I am, which is something that I seem to continue to do as it is. As I get the past memories from Facebook, I realize that I have these changes already in progress, and that I’ve come a long ways.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Twelve Days of Silence

So, it’s been about twelve days since I wrote a blog. Twelve days since I let my thoughts and feelings give voice unto what life has been like. I’ll be the first to admit that things haven’t been too out of the norm for me, but I should never let that length of time go without giving something to help guide people unto clarity.

That’s not to say that I haven’t bee writing. After all, I did finish the second draft of the project after I Unexpected Side Trip. I have page ten typed up of fifty-nine hand written pages done. Plus I also got into re-writing Appreciate What You Got, which was the first sort I ever filmed. I’m also re-editing that film because I botched up the editing job when it came out. I figured that I could get it a bit better editing, and add a bit for something to present, while I’m working on the other projects.

Outside of that, I’ve gotten sick with a bug a few times in the last couple of weeks, and it kind of has me feeling bummed out by it. This killed my workout, and my ten-thousand steps a day. It’s crazy that I start feeling guilty about getting sick.

I hope things go well because I have my twenty-three month check-up coming up on Saturday. It’s time to get the discussion of skin removal, and I feel that it’s seriously something I want to do. I’ve been feeling itchy around my belly button for the last several weeks, and I’m not sure why.

I feel that I need to work harder to get past this plateau, it seems that my habits are coming back and I still need to become more mindful and nip them in the bud. I know that this is something I’ve mentioned before and I still continue to struggle with, however on the plus side, it’s something that I’m aware of. So, it is something that I will get through.

In my training sessions, I’ve increased the weight in which I lift, and it’s giving me the workout that I need, and taking me to another level. Part of me feels like I’m dying, while the other part is glad that I made it through without dying. I know that going with heavier weights, I have to be more mindful of my form because any slight misstep and I can hurt myself. Sam, is always telling me to unlock that inner rage to push heavier, and I’m slowly getting there, it’s just been hard to do. After all, I used to be angry all the time.

As I watch videos of myself lifting, I was told that it’s good to let out grunts, but honestly I find myself a bit on the obnoxious side when hearing the nosies that come out of my mouth. That was always something that bothered me about gyms. Now, I get why it’s done, but like I said, it’s a bit obnoxious.

I’ve been trying to be more conscious about my carb intake, and fast food, really is bad for you. I never really thought about the calorie and carb intake of a breakfast burrito, but seeing that the combo can run up to over 1,000 calories is depressing. That’s even more true for those who are on a 2,000 calorie-a-day diet. That’s like half of the amount you can have in one day. One freaking meal, that just blows my mind.

So, I’ve been on this journey for almost two-years and I can’t believe that it’s been that amount of time. It gets easier as you go, that’s the plus side of things, but at the same time, it’s not hard into falling into bad habits. Like I said, I see where some of mine have come back and I’m learning to deal with them accordingly. Doesn’t it suck when you feel the doubt, and feel that failure is at hand? I have my bad days, but I try and keep going. Maybe that’s the reason that I’ve been going between those five-pounds?

The secret to success is to keep going. Yes, you’re gonna have good days, and you’re gonna have bad days, but don’t let the bad days define your efforts. As long as you realize that you can keep on the right path the next day, there’s always hope for success. Failure is inevitable, but the only true sense of failure is when you decide to quit. Otherwise, it’s a teacher to help get you to the point of success. I find this encouraging, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

If I’ve benefited from anything during my weight loss journey, besides the weight loss, it’s that I’m in better touch with my fellow humans. I’ve always been personable and friendly, but I kept so much to myself and never really connected with too many people. Now days, I’m more receptive of reaching out and touching other people’s souls. It’s beautiful on how much more I care for my fellow traveler.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.