Fourteen Years Of What?!

Today’s my son’s birthday. In the fourteen years that he’s been in my life, I’ve learned so much. There was so much unknown about how he would turn out, being for pre-mature, and everything has been a lesson in itself. Watching him in the first few years, we didn’t realize that he was different.

Autumn, being born four-and-a-half-years before was a far easier experience. She was mostly independent, and such a loving and smart kid. Chris, while loving, has always depended on us for so much.  As a parent, it’s striking to see how very different these two would be at such a young age.

Little Chris was born six weeks early, and between the two pregnancies, his birth seemed much quicker than his sisters. He just ended up spending so much more time in the hospital, because he was jaundice. Three weeks, and Sarah was having fits about not having him home. 

At the age of six, we found out that Chris was high functioning autistic. We also discovered that he has a slight mental delay. This made since because it explained why it was so difficult to get him potty-trained. Before we knew this, I just thought his stemming was a quirk. Frustratingly, hearing the professional say that my son was mentally retarded was a difficult thing to hear. I mean, who wants to hear that about their children?

With that being said, watching him in the proper educational environment has proven that he’s smart. Yes, he can be a little slow, but he’s brilliant. Just spend time with him, and listen to his views on life and other things. Sometimes he speaks and I wonder where he got the observations that he has.

Autumn, was my first child, and she makes me so proud with everything she’s overcome. I know that we don’t always get along, and that’s the fact that she’s way too much like me, but I love her to death, and I will always be there for her.

Chris and his special needs have tested me in patience and understanding. He shows me a love and loyalty that makes me want to be an even better person. I’m proud to have seen how much he has overcome as well, and continues to mature and become his own person. 

We do so much together, and it’s fun that he actually likes hanging out with me. We play video games together, and he works for me when I film. It’s amazing to see how fast he’s progressed in the last year, I was always afraid that he was always going to fall so far behind and never catch up, but the last several months have shown that he has the aptitude to over come those things that life has thrown at him. When he started out this school year, he was technically in seventh grade, however due to his special needs, he was only at a third grade, middle of the school year level. As of his last report, as of a few days ago, he’s up to a fifth grade level in most of his work.

Think of the things he accomplished. It’s something that we all should take into account when it comes to life. If the deck is stacked against you, you can overcome it with motivation and determination. Too often in life, we find it easier to quit and not put in any effort. Sometimes, it’s easier to try and put the blame for our problems on other people. It would be easier, but that doesn’t mean that it’s better. 

This kid has been there every step of the way, just like the rest of my family. He does everything to make sure that I keep honest with what I do, and he tries to keep me motivated in all aspect of this weight loss journey. Often times, he’s the one who goes on walks with me, and we talk about various aspects in life. The most common subjects usually revolve around professional wrestling, or superheroes. We’ve gotten into discussions about politics and filmmaking. I love to hear his thoughts and opinions on these subjects. I’m always fascinated by the fact of what he learns about these things.

He is fourteen, and it blows my mind just how short of time we actually have to enjoy these little creatures, before they become adults. I mean, my oldest is already half-way to her nineteenth year. She’s now an adult and looking to move forward in her life. She’s looking for a job and going to school for a career. 

I see that they both have general ideas on what they want to be when they grow up, and how they want to impact the world they live in. I wish I had remembered that I had some sort of direction on what I really wanted to do back then. Autumn wants to work for Disney and my son wants to have his own restaurant. I love to see them start to explore their chosen paths.

In contrast, the things I wanted to do was be involved with entertainment. I wanted to be a singer, and own my own record label. Life got in the way, and I discovered that I preferred acting to music, even though I have a deep love for performing music. The truth is, I find that being a visual storyteller seems to fit me way better.

If he ever gets to read this blog, or, I know his mom will. I’m going to leave some imparting words to my second born: Christopher, we’ve been through so much as a family. I see that you’ve struggled, and have been frustrated with the difficulties put into your life. You’re stronger and smarter than I could ever give you credit for. I’m proud to see the man you are becoming. Truth is, you’re inspiring not only to me, but those around you. Your love of music matches mine, and it’s always great to see that you have a love of crooner music thatI find fascinating. Keep shooting for the stars and reach higher than you think you can. People aren’t always going to root for you, but your parents will and we can’t wait to see where you’re going to go through this journey in life. 

As a side note: I knew from about the age of twelve that I would want children. I don’t know if it came from the fact that I was raised as an only child, but that feeling of being paternal was there. I’m just fortunate to find a woman like Sarah, who decided that I would be worthy enough to build a life with and have two of the best kids ever. I kind of pictured having three, and while she’s not mine by blood, our niece Lily is that third child that I wanted. While she has had a rough life in the beginning, I can only hope that she has learned and taken to heart the lessons that I’ve tried to provide her. There’s always a better way in life. 

With that, this is my team, they’ve been there all the way since I started to turn my own life around. I’ve got the most loving children, even if they’ve picked up on my humor, and have become assholes in their own way. I love them and wouldn’t change much about how things have gone. Why, you might ask? Because the positives are good to have, but the negatives are the necessary to traverse to become better humans.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap. 

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Messed Up Parenting, and Experience is a Bitch!

Some people try to be a perfect parent…. I mean it should be easy right? Television and movies make it look…almost too easy.  I think the most interesting experience is raising yourself, also called the parents curse.  Remember when mom and dad said, your child is going to be just like you?  Yeah, it’s happened, and it is frustrating.  All we can do is try our best to raise our children with love and care, and then get told we’re wrong, just to be proven right….later.

I’m not a perfect parent, and although it’s a learning process, the best we can do is try and do our best, and hope that we didn’t fuck up enough in the end. Don’t get me wrong, I might miss times when they were younger and innocent, but I feel the best goal is to raise decent people and hope they succeed in the world.  That’s all a parent can actually hope for.

So, I think I’m funny, and I thought having little people with my sense of humor would be hilarious, instead I realized that I raised assholes. Not that they are the kind to steal lunch money or beat someone up, but they mess with people. The sad part is that as a parent, I feel guilty of the fact that it is kind of funny, but at the same time it make me reflect on the kind of person I am. Sadly, the kind of sense of humor I have, does make me an asshole. At least I’m somewhat likable, then there’s the grey area of as you get to know me, is that humor worth it?

I want my kids to grow up and realize that I love them with all my heart, and though I’ve made mistakes, I hope they know that I’ve always wanted what was best for them. Sometimes, I don’t think people appreciate what family they have. I for one, don’t seem to have the best relationship with most of my family. I get along with my parent’s just fine, but I have a very different perspective on life then my cousin’s and grandparents do. I guess that makes me a black sheep, but I’m not afraid to be different.

The hardest part about being a parent is watching another version of you growing up before your eyes. The same depression, the same frustrations, and with things different with today’s society.  You can’t give the advice that got you through those tough times of bullies, and self loathing. You want to help, you want to make it better, but nothing you do is right, and in the end, you just can’t seem to relate.

This brings the most frustrating part of being a parent to light, the child knows everything, and the parent doesn’t. God, I remember when I knew everything and when I was invincible. To be able to have that mindset again, but then you gain the wisdom of not knowing everything and pride be damned, you’re not always right.

“No  child, I don’t say this to make you feel bad, or stupid,” “I do this to enlighten you, because I care, because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I made.”  That’s all anyone can do, be there for their children, and support them. At some point, you can’t protect them forever. All you can do is give them tools to work with and hope that it’s enough to get them through this cold and cruel world.

Sometime remind them that you love your child, but also remind them that the world has no love for them.  While you’ve protected them, warn them that the world isn’t there for their protection. This place is ugly, and all you can do is try and be that piece of beauty in this place.

For my children: Autumn, Christopher, and Lily, I love you and hope that I’ve taught you something that you can use as a torch to light the way.  You are good children, and I’ll always support you.

This is the Director and that is a wrap.