How Did It Happen?

For a year that had been emotionally and mentally rough on most people, good things can come to those with patience. I for on don’t think that most of the year went too horribly, I found ways to benefit from the pandemic, like staying home kept me in check and refocus on things such as paying off bills.

Mentally I wasn’t completely keeping it together. One of those things I dealt with was dealing with a low-key depression that I hadn’t really realized was there until much later in the year. I wanted to blame it on being on the nightshift for so long, and the fact that the pandemic happened towards the beginning of my time on that shift. I just really didn’t think of what it was that was bothering me.

One of the downsides of me being on nightshift is always that my mind isn’t nice to me, ever. I start getting stupid thoughts of doubt, and loneliness, and it doesn’t do my mental health any good. That’s why I would text people I knew at god awful hours just so that I could feel validated to someone. I did find the experience to growth, from a personal perspective. My opinions on certain aspects on life have been changed, and it’s taken me by surprise.

Mentally, I feel a bit uplifted now. I got a raise at work that I’ve been hoping to get for some time. I also got an opportunity to have a space for a studio, which is something I haven’t thought that I would have for a long time. The positive side is that I can now produce a bit more video content without having to worry about finding the space I would need for some of the stuff I’ve been meaning to do. I think this will be a win for The CK Project and Luckey Bom Films. The Geekultural will be getting some content as well. I’m excited because this has been what I’ve been working towards the last few years.

Mentally, I’m feeling accomplished. I’ve also been changing some eating habits and changing up my physical training regimen, and I’m starting to feel a bit better about that now. I’ve started what is termed as the “cutting phase”, which means that I’m on a modified cabbage diet, as well as doing endurance training. This way I’ll be going leaner and losing weight. I’m looking to drop muscle size as well with high reps, and light weight.

It’s torcher, and also changing my eating habits and being more conscious about how and when I’m eating is starting to feel that I’m feeling better, and not as fat. I think the weirdest part is that I’ve dropped eating my protein bars, that had been my go-to for the last almost three years. I got this, and in truth, I know that it’s going to save me money in the long run.

Part of why I’ve decided to go this route is because I want to start training for a body building competition. I’m not expecting to win anything, however it’s a learning process to help me for when I become a trainer. Not only that, but as an actor, I would like to look a bit better when I’m on screen, and yes I know that it’s partially a vanity thing. Though getting in the best shape of my life will also extend my life, and I like feeling better about myself.

I guess that shows one of those connections between the physical and mental aspects in life. I mean look, make-up and fashion have been playing into this connection for years. It is a multi-billion dollar industry after all. Plus it’s something society has put standards on. It molds the way most people view the world. It can be ugly at times. If you’re over weight, people tend to be judgmental. If you’re under weight, same difference. I often use the quote haters gonna hate. It’s sad, but true.

Remember how I mentioned how I hated nightshift because of where my mind would take me? Yeah, that the words of people wanting to tear me down since I was little. I used to tease my kids when they were little to toughen them up, but as I’ve gotten older, I hope that I’ve gotten wiser to realize that it wasn’t the best approach to parenthood. The intention was out of love and wanting to protect my children.

That’s something that was hard to accept, that as a parent, I can’t protect my children from all the bad in this world. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes we have to just hope that they can find their way and succeed in life. The world isn’t kind, and all we can do as parents is hope that we’ve given them enough tools to manage the ugly that life presents during the various events in our lives.

I feel that my mental health hasn’t always helped me to be a good parent, but I’ve tried my best, given the circumstances at hand. However, the person that I’ve strived to become over the last several years I think is a step in the right direction. The hardworking that I’ve been putting into getting my brands going, I hope is an example of what I’m trying to have my kids learn. I hope that they can learn and become better versions of themselves as well.

I’m sorry that they’ve ever had to see me struggle and suffer from my misplaced anger. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel that I was the parent that they needed, but they know that I love them. I hope that by seeing me at my worst, they can appreciate that I’ve done all that I could to overcome the struggles of poor mental and physical health. They are my world, and I love them. The fact that they can share in my success, and be apart of building something bugger then just who I am, is where I think we’ve found bounding at it’s finest.

This was started last weekend, and being Thanksgiving, I’m going to finish my thoughts:

I was called to come help my father pick my step-mother up from the floor yesterday. The time was about eight-thirty in the morning, and when I had come to assist I had found out that she had been on the floor since about four-in-the-morning. After we had gotten her up, I was told that she needed to get an ultrasound on her legs because the doctor’s think that she may have clots in her legs. Talk about a plot twist that as most people have felt the whole year has been bad, I figured that it hadn’t been that bad, well I guess that I’m having my chips cashed in in the last bit of this year.

I mean if you’ve been following me for some time, then you already know that I don’t believe that a new year, fresh start is in my belief system. I mean things just seem to come in waves at times. Seeing the woman who raised me, look so frail, and just seems to be getting worse since her head trauma from a couple of years ago has got me thinking about how much time she has left. Again, she raised me, and was the only woman I called mom for most of my life, her condition has hit me hard. I’m afraid that I’m going to be losing her soon, and that would just be the exclamation to hit me during these troubled times.

I’m not letting these events drag me down, at least not to anywhere dangerous, but at the same time, I think I’m still trying to figure out what it all means. I know that this month of November has come with it’s own set of mixed blessings, as I’ve gotten almost all my studies done, and I have made forward progress on the filmmaking end of things as we are setting up an area that gives us a bit of space to grow and film. Plus with the meetings every weekend, we’ve been developing something that should keep us busy filming for a majority of the year.

It’s all about taking it one-step-at-a-time. Just like working on self-care, mental health, and everything else in life. Take it all one step, one day-at-a-time.

With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Wear Your Damn Mask

So, I had been feeling very tired for the last week, and my breathing has been a bit labored. Yesterday morning, I got tested for Covid-19. As someone who’s not gotten very sick since I lost so much weight, that this was concerning. Unfortunately, I have to wait ten-to-fourteen-days until I get my results. The reason that I had noticed anything was that my eldest had mentioned to my wife that she had lost sense of taste and smell.

As I thought about it, I had noticed that I had been tired while getting closer to the time that I would go to work. I thought that it was just because I sleep like shit anyway. That’s been something that has been going on my whole life any way. Nightshift doesn’t really help anything as it is. Then I started noticing other things like a headache on a regular basis.

The other thing that got me was that I noticed that my breathing wasn’t normal. You know how it feels different breathing while you’re sick? That the air just doesn’t seem to go through as easy? Well, that’s exactly as I’ve been feeling.

Now the sad part is that this pandemic is very real. I’ve known several people personally to have had it. People at my work as well, but the real issue is that somehow it’s become political. While I usually try to avoid politics, when I involve the CK Project, I do have somethings to say on this subject. The sad part is that I have people on both sides of this argument.

Look, I get that wearing a mask “seems” to infringe on your “freedom”, but let’s face fact, all the conspiracy theories and how you’re not going to be a “sheep”, just makes you come off like an asshole. Seriously, doctor’s wear masks for hours at a time in an operation room, you really think a thirty-minute trip is going to kill you?

Oh yeah, it’s a political ploy so by November, it’s just going to disappear. Look, the numbers aren’t exactly matching up, and it’s “not that bad”, and I get that, but it’s still early in the process. Hell, we’re probably close to a year into the exposure to Covid-19, is it comparable to the Spanish Flu? Well, that did last over two-years, so those stats are final, this isn’t.

The worst part about all of this is, are that mistakes are being made and the numbers aren’t to be trusted. Why? Again because it’s political, and I’ll say that money being involved with the stats, kind of keep it political as it is. I mean, the “mighty dollar” is what runs everything. So, we’re getting fucked because of it.

I’m scared, and not for myself, but for my family members because their immune systems suck. My oldest, probably got it, and it wasn’t like she was out being stupid about things. I know my kid, and she’s gonna do all she can to stay safe. Yet you have people pulling their masks down and coughing without covering their mouths(and yes, that’s a jab at that old guy at Walmart who coughed like that as I walked by).

I get why people have doubts though. It’s easier to deny the unknown, and let’s face it, people aren’t very good at dealing with life and death matters as it is. It’s so much easier when someone doesn’t have anyone they know involved, however, that narrative is starting to change. I’m seeing people start to give the warnings a bit of credence. The sad part is that if the ‘self-entitled freedom fighters” would have listened in the first place, we probably wouldn’t be dealing with the epidemic anymore. However, people are, well they are self-interested. I’ll leave it like that.

So here I am, off work for fourteen days. I tried to avoid coming in contact, however I had to get things during this time, and it was a matter of time with working during this whole thing. On the bright side, I was able to work on post production for The Driver.

It’s only test footage at this time, and it’s been great practice for myself and my crew. Visually, it’s helping me mold my character, and the visual part of the storytelling. We’ve reshot this so much and it’s been fun, and now that I can see that it’s helping me mature as a filmmaker. It’s giving Sarah sometime behind the camera as assistant director, as I’m doing both directing and acting. I’m having fun with it.

So, I’m doing all that I can to make the best of what I can, when I’m not sleeping that is. I’ve slept so much since I’ve been off, it isn’t even funny. My sleep schedule is even more shitty as it is. I’ve been averaging about three hours a night, when I go to actual bed.

With that being said, I think that this will be it for now. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

A Scary Thing Happened Before Work

I had been sick for the last couple of days, but I felt well enough to go to work finally yesterday. I got ready, and then I worked on my time card, so I thought that I was going to have a good shift last night. Unfortunately, I found that the sides of my abdominals were starting to feel like they were squeezing me, as if I had been bounded in a girdle.

This started a chain reaction of me feeling hot, so I went outside a few times and when I came back in the final time, my sides were really squeezing me and then I started having trouble breathing. It was easier to take in air than to breathe out.

I needed up taking an ambulance to the emergency room. The struggle breathing had caused me to throw up. While it wasn’t pleasant, it did help me feel better. Partly because it seemed to take the squeezing on my torso. I also found that flexing them ended up helping to some extent. I was scared, especially since I couldn’t control it.

The fact is that I hate the hospital. I’ve spent too much time there throughout my life. I spent a couple of months when I was a young teen. I spent weeks in a coma, and then I spent three weeks in rehab. Plus, there are more times with my ex-wife that we’d spend time there as well.

Sarah and the kids have spent more time in those beds than I would care to have experienced there. It all started when Sarah was pregnant the first time. She has hyperemesis gravidarum, which is a rare ailment that causes pregnancy to be tough on the body. This wasn’t something we knew about at the time, but has come more too light since Kate Middleton had it when she was pregnant.

Back to the issue at hand, with me spending so much time in hospitals, it’s always weird when I’m the one that needs to be seen. I can’t seem to sit still as it is, as I’m fidgety as it is. I find that I hate sitting still at home as well. I constantly shuffle in my sit as it is when I’m at home. Being sick is something that makes it worse. Now that I’ve become more active, that makes things even worse.

Having the situation happen the other night,  was scary. I hate not having control over my own body. This is something that I think got worse as I got heavier, because I realized that I didn’t have control like I used too. I find when I can get picked up and thrown that it’s the same thing. I’m not used to moving for anything but the power of my own feet. This is something I have to over come, but when I couldn’t control my breathing that was the worst, and that’s why I hate getting sick. I lose control, which makes me uncomfortable.

It bring home how my wife feels about the way her body is going. I also understand why older people seem to get cranky with age. It takes away from something that they had been able to handle their whole lives. The phycological effects are something I can’t even begin to understand. How we deal with this type of situation is what shows the kind of people we are. This could be why some people decide to end their lives over something like this. I could understand that frustration and have that kind of thought pattern come to mind. I also can see how people would decide to be stronger and continue on despite the issues that might come on.

I’m glad Sarah has chosen to be the one to continue on, because she really is the captain of this ship. She keeps the household together in a way that I would really have to take the time and learn, or realize how to do things. I can take care of the kids just fine, but it’s not the same as having their mother take care of them. I’m often time the biggest kid in this house. However, I do have the realization that there is a time and place for that and responsibility. Maybe that’s another reason I hate being sick?

I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty when I’m home sick from work, but I realize that sometimes it becomes a struggle on my co-workers when I’m not there, or at least that’s how I feel. It’s something  that I’ve experienced at work being one to work without that extra help. However I also know what it’s like to have sick co-workers coming to work and spreading the sickness around. It’s funny how contradictory life gets like that, wanting the cake and eating it too.

That’s the frustrating part because we have that hypocrisy, yet sometimes I understand that. It’s like telling our children to do as we say and not as we do. Is that because we want our children to do better than we do? I can almost guarantee that any decent parent would say yes. I know that my goal in life as a parent is just that: I want my kids to do and be better than I am, or I ever was. That’s not to say that I’m horrible or a bad person, but I know that I also slacked off, and could have done better myself when I was younger.

Anyway, this Corona virus seems to be serious, and all I can say is that be careful while being out there. If you’re relatively healthy, then you have less to worry about than someone who  is elderly, or auto immune deficient.  That’s not to say not to take it serious, just be careful, and keep in mind those who struggle with low-income, and those who have small children. I think that the middle-class and the rich are going to be okay, but those of us who tend to struggle from paycheck to paycheck, have the real problems going on.

I have a friend who is fearful that the food in stores will be completely wiped out and she’s got small children that she needs to feed. I can hear the comments of, “well, they should have prepared for this already,” and while I can picture that being said, I also am mindful of what kind of situation she’s in. This is California after all, and minimum to just above minimum wage jobs aren’t enough to pay for everything and have a comfortable living. So that means it’s harder for people to take time off, or prepare efficiently for this “pandemic”.

Some of the uglier things that come out of this “emergency” is just how much upper and lower classes are different. The upper class can take a few days off and survive just fine. The lower class have to scrap and earn just to get by. That’s why it’s easier to say take a day off then the realities of actually taking the day off. Sometimes, that day off is the difference between paying a bill or having utilities being shut off.

So please, be kind to each other, this is just the start, and I feel that it’s more of a media induced panic than helped anybody get through this. If you need to talk about this, you should be able to reach me on here, Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ChrisKeelingProject/, Twitter: https://twitter.com/ckproject, or my e-mail at ckproject@zohomail.com. Remember to like and subscribe to my blog, and various social medias. The support is always appreciated. This is the director and that’s a wrap.