I’m Not Your Door Mat

I’ve mentioned how I’ve been changing in both physically and mentally. I mean the weight loss has been obvious, and I’m navigating the new found confidence that I’ve been getting. Mentally, I’m far healthier than ever, but it’s the fact that observing the way others have treated me, is where things have gotten a bit trickier.

In the job that I do, it’s very customer service driven. I mean if you look at it, what job isn’t? Movies are the same thing. You put a story together for a specific audience, that’s why most superhero movies are rated PG-13 and more family friendly. Yes, there are exceptions, but in general, they’re geared to a family audience.

Back to the story though: the people I tend to deal with come across as both impatient and entitled. They also often times expect way more then they should, and expect us to work harder and put unnecessary tasks, that aren’t apart of our job. I was one who would get bullied for “not doing enough”, and that was were some of my depression issues manifested from.

The point that I think I should make clear is that nobody should ever be felt that they aren’t enough. Yes, there are those who we all work with that would like to do the minimum and just be there to get a pay check, but that doesn’t mean that anyone should treat you like you have less value than you do. I know at my lowest point mentally, I would allow that feeling to be validated by those people around me. When I was feeling like a burden, that kind of behavior just seemed to agree with the way I was already feeling.

That was the past though, and if anything has been shown since I started blogging, is that I won’t allow my past to define who I am. That’s something we all should need to remember that our past does not define us. Why should we let something that was a mistake be the defining factor in the definition of our lives? Everyone has a bad moment, and life should be about growth. I found that something like this is where my life needed to change.

Now getting to this point took time to develop, and lots of self-realization to get there. When I finally got to this point, I knew that I needed to change. I knew that I needed something to help me become better than I was. When I decided that I had to accept responsibility for my own actions, and that I wanted something better, growth was the only way to go.

We live in an ugly world, and the truth is that you have people who would rather put you down, and watch you lose, then see you prosper and be successful. Why is that? Why would anybody want ill-will to their fellow human? The statement, “misery loves company,” is true. People will try to bring you down to their level, just so that they can feel better about themselves. Maybe it’s just a way to stroke their ego? I have said in previous blogs that ego is the enemy to ourselves. It’s that way to self-sabotage, and I’ll even say that it leads to negativity in life.

Grow, water, nurture yourself. Maybe ego is the thing that holds you down. I know that I’ve had to deal with the complexity of low-self-esteem, and ego. I think that the ego was to overcompensation for that low-self-esteem. This has lead to so much heart ache and turmoil in some of my relationships. This was something else that fed into the negativity that I was producing in the world.

It’s just like not accepting responsibility for our own actions. I think the realization of accepting that responsibility was the first step in becoming a better person. It’s sad that I have seen this same toxic behavior in others, and watched as it’s ruined relationships and success in others. It seems to make life much harder to get through in the end.

Going back to the point of being a doormat to other people and the negativity that comes with it is this: change the way you look at yourself. I know that I have, and I know that I was in so deep with being treated a certain way, that once I started realizing that it wasn’t acceptable the way I was treated, I started to want that change. When it’s the norm, I guess we don’t realize that it’s that bad. Maybe that’s why people stay in abusive relationships? Could it be because our minds try to protect us from the traumatic horrors that can come from our lives?

I know shedding the fat like I have, feels like I got rid of layers of negativity in my life. I know that for me being fat, it was from a lifetime of negativity in my life. This comes with some odd realizations. My household had always been surrounded with a negative energy. I don’t know if it’s just now, or I don’t remember if it always been, but I think there was always that vibe in the house with my parents.  I just see it more now, as my parents have gotten older, and my mom has always had this temper about her. I just notice it more so now days that she is always yelling when something  disturbs what she’s doing. I think there might be some deeper phycological stuff to deal with there, but I don’t got the degree to analyze it.

Again, the past doesn’t define us. Whatever I had been through, and however I’ve allowed myself to be treated, the past doesn’t define me. I use that to define what I had to help make me better than I was. I use my choices to help make things better, and it helps drive me to do better. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

If you have any questions or comments that you don’t want to post on here, you’re more then welcome to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com

 

 

 

Hey Jealousy, Stop That Negativity

Going through the life changing events in my life has revealed so much about some of the people that I have to deal with throughout my days. While most are decent and very supportive, there are those individuals that bring nothing but hate and discontent wherever they might be. While this is nothing new to me, I do feel that addressing the toxicity of possible jealously brings out of people towards myself, and others.

Some people are never happy, and they bring that negative energy with them wherever they might go. Fortunately, the individual’s that I could be referring to, have come across as cowardly because they’ve not said such things to my face. To be honest, it saddens me, yet maybe it’s for the best that they keep the words said away from me. I know them words to not be true, and I wish those people the best.

I have to wish them the best because I’ve always been able to read people and I see that they don’t feel happiness in their lives. Some of them decide to blame the worst of their situations on others, and not accept that their actions have brought misery on themselves. How hard is it accept that the misery that has been caused was a person’s own doing?

This, ladies and gentlemen is a toxic person. They usually come off self-entitled, and ungrateful. They never want to congratulate anyone for their achievements, and if they do, you can tell it isn’t heartfelt. They expect the world is owed to them and never want to be thankful for what they have.

The things that I do, are for mine and my family. I will say that I’ve been blessed with a fantastic amount of support, and it helps keep me motivated in those times I don’t feel like keeping it up. I’m actually surprised by the amount of positive that has come into my life with the whole journey that my life has been going on for the last several years. Yet, there are those neigh sayers out there still.

As my mom has been in the hospital, there was an amazing amount of support from both friends, and family. As a matter of fact, people who aren’t directly associated with me, have seemed to ask in support of this tough time. If I was a more emotional person, I think I would cry about the beautiful support from my fellow travelers on this earth. It’s truly awesome the concern shown, from co-workers as well.

The wonderful new on that is that my mom was brought home last night. It was a great way to end my fortieth birthday. I got to have my mom come home. I went and spent time with her today, and I know that this is going to be a long road to follow, but I think she will over come, because she’s a fighter, and I know this because she raised this pain in the ass.

Going back to the original point of this post, get rid of the negative, and you’ll be much happier. I know that it isn’t always easy, because sometimes it’s a family member. There’s been a few family members that we’ve had to cut out of our lives. Yet we get blamed for our decisions because of it.

Life is too short to hold on to the bad, and toxic people love to drag people down. They drain people of their time, energy, and sometime finances. I’ve actually had to cut out some longtime friends because they were just too toxic. I’ve also been too forgiving and had let them back into my life a few times, and each of those times ended with the same result. There are some that I’ve remained friends with, but only from a distance because I know what they are, and I’m always ever hopeful that they will finally learn their lessons, and grow to be the better person that I know they can be.

There have been times where some of them had come up to me, and told me that I was right, and they wish that they would have learned sooner. There’s a part of me that sometimes wishes that I would say that I told them so. After all,  I’m not perfect, and I know that I shouldn’t let that bit of pride escape my lips. At least those who have, generally have turned their lives around, but too much has gone on to let them back in with open arms.

Forgiving someone can be hard. It took me many years to forgive my ex-wife for the things that happened. By forgiving her, I in turn ended up forgiving myself, because I had my own faults during our time. We were both young, and didn’t know what the hell we were doing. I had to forgive her as a part of my own personal growth.

That’s the key there, anything you do should help you with your own personal growth. Try and see your own flaws, and get rid of them. If you can’t see them, someone will, and if they care enough they’ll point them out, and help you over come them. My weight loss journey is just another part of my own personal growth. My schooling was another part of my growth. Sometimes the shitty parts take you back, and you don’t think you can go any farther, but that’s just not the case. If you find a way pass the bad times, your growth can go so much farther than you would ever expect, and that’s a beautiful thing.

Keep it positive, and continue to grow. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

Success? Maybe When I’m Ready

Did you ever feel like you get in the way of your own success?  I know I have, but have you ever stopped and wonder why?  I think deep down inside, we face a bit of fear. What if we obtain success? How will it change us? How will it change the way other’s perceive us? At what cost does success come?

This is my thought process on it-yes I’m partially afraid of how things will change, but at the same time I’m excited for the adventure that comes with it. The thought of doing what I love brings me a sense of completion, and a sense of purpose.  I have no doubts that being a filmmaker was something I was born to do.  I’ve always had a great joy in being creative and this is the ultimate outlet that let’s me do it. As I’ve gone through these classes, I’ve discovered that I enjoy the writing process, which I had been on that journey for several years now, but I do enjoy it.

I embrace the chance to get out of the normalcy of a settled life, and I don’t hesitate on feeling excited about going to work. I wonder how this might change things between my family and myself, because movie making is a demanding thing that takes so much hard work to be good at and successful.  Could they stand me being away, filming while it’s the holidays? Or even a birthday?  Will they be with me while we film?  Are they going to want to join in on this kind of work? All I know is that while I want to have my own production company, I do still want to work on my craft in the highly competitive world of high budget filmmaking. I would love to work on a Fox, Warner Bros. or Disney movie.  As my passions of superheroes and geek culture run hot in my veins, I would love to be involved with a Star Wars movie.

I’m glad that I’ve been blessed with a supportive group of friends and family, they all are amazing with the encouragement and praise.  What if that changes with my success? Part of me really wants to put the nay sayers in their place by doing what they said was impossible.  What if my friends end up envious because of my said success and they decide to hate me? These questions continually run through my mind, but it wouldn’t be the first time that I was “hated on”.  I’ve got a personality that you either love, or you absolutely hate. I’ve felt the negative pull of hatred and bias; being the fat kid with a loud mouth tends to do that. That is the way it gets when I also have a strong work moral. I’m not afraid to tell someone no, just because they want to have things their way. It doesn’t work that way.

I guess being successful shouldn’t be a fearful thing, I’m ornery enough to put nay sayers in their place. This is what is going to drive me, because my success is on my own accord and not placed on the people who would want to bring me down. I know in the end, my family is going to support me because part of the reason that I do these things is so that I can do better for my family.  That and the fact that doing this has helped me with my depression in ways that I can’t even describe.

I just wanted to post a little thing on what’s been on my mind lately, as will a billion other things. This is the Director, and that’s a wrap.