The Birthday Gift

So, I had another checkup with West Medical, out of town on January eleventh.  I went to my appointment with my longtime friend and former co-worker Chris Bennett. He also had a consultation about starting the weight loss process for the gastric sleeve. I’m glad that I could be there for him, and I’m excited to be there for every step of the way.

Not only was it the day I went in for a checkup, but it also was my forty-first birthday, and I was glad that I could spend the day with my extended family. While it had been a while since we did anything like that, it reminded me that these people are some of my favorites to be around for a full day. I’ve been through  so much with this family that I am grateful that we can just get together and have fun.

To get back to the story at hand, I went in for a checkup, and I was hoping that I would have finally made way with my weight loss. Well, I was surprised to find out that I did lose about four pounds. The scale came out to showing 258.8. The last time I weighed in a the doctor’s office I was still sitting at 262.4. This was about the weight I had been since May of 2019. The good part is that my BMI(body mass index) had still been going down during that time period.

Progress is the key, and my friend, Aj Jackson, who’s also a personal trainer keeps mentioning consistency is key on Twitter. He’s right, and with working with Sam Basco on my training, I hadn’t been getting as frustrated as I could have. I just had to shake-up the workout, and honestly, I feel that the food journal is helping me become a bit more responsible about what I do actually put into my mouth. I think that it’s something that will help as I evolve my knowledge about nutrition.

I’ll admit that the way yesterday went, being my birthday, being out of town, and enjoying myself, I did use it as a cheat day. I also forgot to log my food into the journal, but I’ve gotten back on it today. So, I’m not gonna talk about how horrible I may have eaten, but it really wasn’t that bad. I did enjoy seeing Star Wars: The rise of Skywalker(2019) for the second time. What a great way to end a series of movies.

As I share the experience of my weight loss journey, and I’ve inspired people, one of the bonuses that I’ve gotten was the fact that I can join some of them on their own journey’s as well. I would be there for anyone who feels they need that cheerleader in their corner. I know what it’s like to feel like doing things on my own. Though this journey has been sponsored by the most amazing support system of family and friends. I know not everybody else is quite as fortunate as I am, so I’m gonna put out the fact that I’ll be their cheerleader. I’m providing it to my friend Chris, and I’ve also provided it to others through Facebook, Twitter and various other social media sites. I’ve also voiced my support to people that I actually know in the real world.

Let’s make this a year where we can all kick ass together and make life better both physically and mentally. I know that it’s not always easy to maintain. I find that keeping myself going is constant work, and there are days that I really don’t feel like keeping up with the steps, and the miles. I’m trying to change that this year, and actually get my steps in. That was something I almost didn’t get yesterday, but, by the support of the people around me, they indulged me and helped me complete my steps. It wasn’t necessarily the 700 calorie goal that I try to reach, but I figured that if I can at least get my 10,000 steps, then I’m still doing well enough as it is.

Keep in mind that I’ve been pushing myself even with a slightly sprained ankle. It’s not been easy for me to get in the body weight work, but I had gone back to doing some of my weight training. I’ve been working on my form for squats, and getting into my basket, or putting my “ass to the grass” hasn’t been the easiest part of the workout. Getting lower has really worked my muscles and I find that doing this squat with the bar overhead actually keeps me straighter then if I had just had it on my shoulders.

The amazing part of these exercises is that I’m now learning more about my body and it functions. Yes, I know that it might sound weird, but do you ever realize how much the slightest movement in a different direction can change the way you use a particular muscle? Back Squats use more of your lower back, then say a Front Squat which uses more of your Quads. An Overhead Squat uses more of your legs and gluts. I’ve been told that the overhead is actually Olympic style lifting, compared to a back, which is for power lifters.

So, let’s bring this blog around to what today entailed. I was going in to workout with Sam Basco today, which doing weekend workout, isn’t uncommon. I like working out with Sam. The weekend workouts are different than the weekdays, because it becomes a bit more relaxed, and yet the workout is just as good. Strength training can have a slower pace, and I know that my muscles will feel it for hours. I did start today with trying to do my body/ grappling training, but my ankle still wasn’t having it completely. I think that I may still need a week to completely recover.

While I have that bum ankle, Sam was able to work on it a bit today before we called it a day. While it is feeling better and less tight, when he initially works on it, well it hurts. At least I’m okay to tolerate the pain. It’s a wonderful thing to have him as a trainer, because he seems to provide me with more than just a personal trainer. He’s a friend, philosopher, spiritual coach, and nutritionalist.

That’s one of the things we ended up doing today. I took him and his son out for lunch, where we discussed a bit of nutrition. I actually learned somethings today. One being about how to be more mindful about going out to eat a meal. I know that I have plenty more to learn, but this whole thing is going to make me more well rounded in my weight loss journey, and will help me when I start down the path to get my personal trainer cert. I think I’ll go for nutrition as well.

I can’t thank the people who’ve supported me enough. It’s helped keep me going. I want to thank those who actually have the hands on for my success, they help me get through this journey, and make it look easier. You all are part of this journey, and have been amazing. I see those who I’ve inspired to take up the reigns of their own weight loss journey. This particular group I want to give the biggest shout out too. I see what you’re doing, and that’s amazing, keep it up, because I’m in your corner too.

This is the director and this year has already shown me where it’s going, and all I can say is FUCK YES! Let’s keep this momentum up and show everyone how amazing life is and how much better it still has to go to be even more amazing. So, with that being said, that’s a wrap.

Twelve Days of Silence

So, it’s been about twelve days since I wrote a blog. Twelve days since I let my thoughts and feelings give voice unto what life has been like. I’ll be the first to admit that things haven’t been too out of the norm for me, but I should never let that length of time go without giving something to help guide people unto clarity.

That’s not to say that I haven’t bee writing. After all, I did finish the second draft of the project after I Unexpected Side Trip. I have page ten typed up of fifty-nine hand written pages done. Plus I also got into re-writing Appreciate What You Got, which was the first sort I ever filmed. I’m also re-editing that film because I botched up the editing job when it came out. I figured that I could get it a bit better editing, and add a bit for something to present, while I’m working on the other projects.

Outside of that, I’ve gotten sick with a bug a few times in the last couple of weeks, and it kind of has me feeling bummed out by it. This killed my workout, and my ten-thousand steps a day. It’s crazy that I start feeling guilty about getting sick.

I hope things go well because I have my twenty-three month check-up coming up on Saturday. It’s time to get the discussion of skin removal, and I feel that it’s seriously something I want to do. I’ve been feeling itchy around my belly button for the last several weeks, and I’m not sure why.

I feel that I need to work harder to get past this plateau, it seems that my habits are coming back and I still need to become more mindful and nip them in the bud. I know that this is something I’ve mentioned before and I still continue to struggle with, however on the plus side, it’s something that I’m aware of. So, it is something that I will get through.

In my training sessions, I’ve increased the weight in which I lift, and it’s giving me the workout that I need, and taking me to another level. Part of me feels like I’m dying, while the other part is glad that I made it through without dying. I know that going with heavier weights, I have to be more mindful of my form because any slight misstep and I can hurt myself. Sam, is always telling me to unlock that inner rage to push heavier, and I’m slowly getting there, it’s just been hard to do. After all, I used to be angry all the time.

As I watch videos of myself lifting, I was told that it’s good to let out grunts, but honestly I find myself a bit on the obnoxious side when hearing the nosies that come out of my mouth. That was always something that bothered me about gyms. Now, I get why it’s done, but like I said, it’s a bit obnoxious.

I’ve been trying to be more conscious about my carb intake, and fast food, really is bad for you. I never really thought about the calorie and carb intake of a breakfast burrito, but seeing that the combo can run up to over 1,000 calories is depressing. That’s even more true for those who are on a 2,000 calorie-a-day diet. That’s like half of the amount you can have in one day. One freaking meal, that just blows my mind.

So, I’ve been on this journey for almost two-years and I can’t believe that it’s been that amount of time. It gets easier as you go, that’s the plus side of things, but at the same time, it’s not hard into falling into bad habits. Like I said, I see where some of mine have come back and I’m learning to deal with them accordingly. Doesn’t it suck when you feel the doubt, and feel that failure is at hand? I have my bad days, but I try and keep going. Maybe that’s the reason that I’ve been going between those five-pounds?

The secret to success is to keep going. Yes, you’re gonna have good days, and you’re gonna have bad days, but don’t let the bad days define your efforts. As long as you realize that you can keep on the right path the next day, there’s always hope for success. Failure is inevitable, but the only true sense of failure is when you decide to quit. Otherwise, it’s a teacher to help get you to the point of success. I find this encouraging, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

If I’ve benefited from anything during my weight loss journey, besides the weight loss, it’s that I’m in better touch with my fellow humans. I’ve always been personable and friendly, but I kept so much to myself and never really connected with too many people. Now days, I’m more receptive of reaching out and touching other people’s souls. It’s beautiful on how much more I care for my fellow traveler.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

The Words That Never Got Left Behind

In observation of Bully Prevention Month, I’d like to address the elephant in the room; you’re not aloud to continue to live in my head rent free. As a kid, hearing “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” was supposed to be a way of making ourselves feel better about the cruel words that get thrown our way. It’s supposed to show that we won’t be hurt unless it’s by some thing physical.

The sad reality is, that’s the farthest from the truth. While I would like to admit that physical pain is worse, the verbal bullying is the thing that continued to haunt me for so many years. I find that it had become more of a motivator to do better, but is that really the best thing for motivation? Shouldn’t we be motivated more by the positive things than, the things that bring us down? This is why we have so many broken people in the various sectors of society.

Body dysmorphia is something that I’ve seen to run rampant among young ladies especially. The society standards for what is the perfect look for a woman has been plastered across all forms of advertisement. It’s in your face that unhealthy skinny is the standard for women and anorexia is a problem that isn’t talked about enough.

Men aren’t any less targeted either. The underwear models with the chiseled physics and washboard abs are also shown in many places. The one difference is that men with dad bods, are more socially accepted, but are no less pressured to be perfect. Men talking about having self-image issues is considered a bit more taboo. Men are supposed to be viewed as strong both physically and mentally.

The thing that I will personally say about this is that dealing with being obese most of my life, I’ve dealt with the pressures and comments to look more appealing. I joke with my wife that if it wasn’t for chubby chasers, I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere with the ladies, her especially. Though, I do wish that I could have, the muscles and strong looking body, it’s taking work to get there. This is something that I personally want, but I’m not killing myself to get there.

Key reasons, while I workout and try to keep eating well, I still indulge, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not going to hate myself for slipping a bit here and there. I know once I have the talk about skin removal surgery, that it’s going to take a bit of time to process. I found myself in that similar situation when I decided to get the gastric sleeve almost two-years ago.

Acceptance has been something that I’ve had to battle to come to terms with. I had those bullies running through my head with the words of how ugly, and fat I was. I hated myself because people had put those words into my head. I wasn’t good enough, and yet there was something that I did alright growing up. I did have friends and lovers. I was liked, but even with those realizations, I still had the negative words sticking in my head. I’ve had to learn to over come that.

I’ve embraced positivity, despite the way I’ve been treated during my life. I find that it helps me, because it puts something in the world that not everyone seems to be able to produce themselves. With that I’ve made many connections with some great people. I get more out of being positive, then having that negative mindset.

Unfortunately, not everyone is that way. Some people who get bullied, carry that chip on their shoulders for the rest of their lives. Hell, at one time, I did as well. I hurt some very good people and I’ve regretted it ever since. Those who carry that chip, bring the misery with them in most aspects of life. This isn’t something that’s uncommon in my professional life. I see it everyday, and the effects that it causes. I see it in some friends as they deal with people who bully them.

Now, I’m going to change this up a little, because I know a few of my followers are going to be reading this. I know that things don’t look very good for your current circumstances right now. You’re afraid to lose that, which is valuable to you. Keeping a focused mind is the only way that you will have to succeed. I get that the parties that are bullying you shouldn’t be that way, they are your family after all. Just remember to do your best, and that’s all anybody can ask of you. I’m a text, or a phone call away, and you have shown me the appreciation through our many conversations. You got this, and however things fall, you will grow as a person, and should be able to be better for all of it.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Hard Work For Better Gains

As with anything else in life, you get what you put in. Eating right can some times be hard, especially since there are so many temptations being marketed out there. I find that it can be hard also because most “healthy options” are costly. Yet, this is an essential part of the weight loss journey.

Exercise is the second part that is essential for the weight loss journey, and is just as important as eating right. The harder the workout, the better the progress for shape and strength. This is something I struggle with because I find it hard to push through at times. I want that brief second of rest so that I can power through the rest of my sets. It’s usually right as I’m getting to my fourth round of my circuit training. Every time I do push, I feel like I want to die after my workout, which is a good sign.

Then it comes the really hard push, that will give me the momentous gains. That’s my brands. Working on one brand is a full-time job as it is, but I’m taking it even farther by having three brands that I work on. This is where I feel most of my success comes from, it gives me the focus that I need to carry out all my plans.

I have filled my life with all these positive things that keep me going in the right direction. I’ve had times where I was lost and I wasn’t sure where I needed to go, or where I wanted to go. With depression, there is many times that I would doubt myself. I would feel unworthy, I would feel like a failure. I felt that the world would be a better place without me.

With this mental level, I felt that my family would carry-on and eventually find better life if I no longer existed. At this time, I also felt that I was the worst person ever and undeserved of love. This is what depression feels like. Yet, if you would ask if I was okay, then I would say yes, because I didn’t want to burden anybody. I felt that I needed to deal with it on my own.

This is why I evolved the CK Project. It started out as a weight loss thing, to hold myself accountable, but after my period in the darkness, I had to make it something more. After watching people be affected by seven suicides, I knew that I needed to do something else. I felt guilty for having those feelings, I felt even more guilty that I wasn’t able to reach out to these people and try to let them know that they weren’t alone in this struggle.

I took my experience, and decided to use my story as an example that there are other ways then suicide, there are better options. At this time, I didn’t consider myself a survivor. All I wanted to do was help someone else. This was at a time that I still didn’t see the “value” in my own life.

Once I found purpose with going to school, things started to change. I found my direction, and the accomplishments that I was doing started to add value to myself. Investing in myself, was the right choice, and once I got to be a director, I found the thing that was going to keep me going.

By this time, I was getting used to putting in the hard work, but I needed to gain more. See what I did there? So, I was in the last leg of my schooling, and I started to realize that I wanted to change more because I didn’t like the way I was physically feeling. I felt that I wasn’t in the body I was supposed to have, and I was ready to change that too.

So, I started to look into having the gastric sleeve surgery. I had heard that it was the safest option, and I’ve known people who had it done, with no regrets. At that time, I decided that I hadn’t heard anything about the negative side, and one of my best friend’s had also considered the surgery, so I decided that I would blog about it, both the good, and bad. I wasn’t going to hold anything back.

So, using my CK Project platform, I decided that my experience could be used as a tool for others to learn from. I realized that it went full circle from weight loss to mental health, back to weight loss, but I didn’t fully realize the connection between the two.

This is why I keep so busy, because everything I do, outside of work is just another way in attempt to have an outlet. It was a struggle when I felt that I didn’t have that release from the stressful situations, and it just brought me down. I find things that could serve more than one purpose for me.

This blog is the perfect example, as it started out as something for a class, I did a bit of research after and discovered that this was a good place to start out as a blogging site. I decided that this would be a better platform than Facebook to talk about my issues, and it would make it easier to distribute on other social medias. So, where does this serve more than one purpose? Well, I figured that blogging would help me sort out my thoughts, and it has in so many ways. It also helped me as a writer, that was the other thing that I wanted, to be a better writer.

So, I’ve gained a therapeutic way to sort my feelings and experiences while using my struggles and examples to help others, and it has helped me with the written word, and to think as a writer. I’ve gone from writing an average of 412 words per blog, up to over 830 words a blog. My scripts have gotten better and longer as well.

So, my suggestion for everyone is to put in the hard work. The reason is because you’ll benefit and grow in way that would be unexpected. How do you find the motivation? Do the things you love, damn what others might say, unless you’re a serial killer or something, that’s not a good thing. Too many people seem to lose passion from their lives, and passion is a strong guide and motivator. Self-improvement is the best investment any person can have, because it isn’t something that can be taken away.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

Turning Up The Motivation

I have so much going on in life. I have many things that could knock me down and keep me from moving forward, yet I choose to keep my head up. I’ve got so much else going on in my head that keeps me going forward. Recent events have reminded me that it’s all in how you respond to the situation at hand.

One of the things that has come up with the change of shifts is that now I’ve been reminded of what the heat is like. I choose to continue to get my steps in, and I’ve had to pay attention to how my body feel so that I don’t over exert myself. I had to take some time and cool off so that I wouldn’t get sick while working. It’s something that I have to be more mindful of as other’s including myself have suffered from heat stress at work.

The scale hasn’t been my friend lately as I’ve not been consistent on when I weight myself and what I’m wearing. My numbers have been jumping around from about two-sixty to about two-six-eight. Those numbers feel a bit deceiving as I’ve weighed on different scales. It’s strange because my clothes still feel like they’re getting bigger on me.

I’ve been having a strange feeling of being uncomfortable in my skin lately. It makes it feel itchy, and sticky. I know that I wear protective wear at work, but it really doesn’t help me being conscious of how much extra skin I have. This has been a new sensation for me, and I feel at odds with it. I find myself battling with wanting to rip my skin off, and wanting to continue to push myself past this to lose more weight.

Something that we ended up doing last weekend was visiting Disneyland. It was something that we had been planning for awhile and we took Sarah’s cousin with us. It was good to watch someone experience their first time, and watching the reactions of my kids are always the best. I laughed at the shouts of joy and fear. I smiled watching everyone get excited for the drops and turns. Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge was the whole reason we decided to go, so we could check it out finally.

The exciting part of the trip was that I got to stand under the Millennium Falcon, my twelve-year-old-self got to experience something that I never thought that I’d be able to do. The land was exciting,  yet crowded. Seeing the droids, and the different collectables were very nice. We even had breakfast there. This experience really made me realize a few things about The CK Project.

The CK Project is more than about mental health awareness, and my weight loss journey. It’s about living life to the fullest, while bettering one’s own personal self. I think next summer we’ll start going on more adventures. One of the things I want to do is white water rafting. I also want to go cliff diving, and more challenging hikes. Experiences are better than any thing that can be bought in a store. Shared experiences and adventures are what I love to do with my family and friends. I feel that it brings us together and strengthens the bonds we share.

Now more than ever, I think it’s important to remind those we love that we do love them. Hold them, embrace them, remind them that they are important. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve lost people that I’ve known for years, and it reminds me  of the important things in life. That is one of the unfortunate things about getting older; the fact of mortality reminds us more often than not, that life is often too short, and there are times that we take for granted the things we have.

I guess that’s where my motivation has been lately: thinking about the important things. Keeping the outlet going for me to find a level-headedness. Life tends to throw things at us, and it can build up to an unmanageable pile, if we let it get there. I’m doing my best, and that’s all anyone can expect of anyone else.

Well, for a bit of cross promotion, I’m getting ready to do the final parts of the pre-production process to film my next short. Now’s the time to break it down into smaller, more manageable parts. The next process is breaking down the script into a list of characters, props, and scene pieces that are needed.

On top of that, The CK Project is getting ready to march in it’s second parade, and I’m finding things that I will need for a later time to represent the brand better. I feel like a banner will be something that I need to obtain for future things that I’ll be involved with, i.e. videos, marches. What a time to feel like things are really starting to pick up.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

 

Rollercoaster Of Weight

I’ve been struggling with a few pounds here or there. I think it’s probably because I’ve gotten into a few bad habits, and the fact that it seems like it’s been a bit of a struggle to keep my momentum up with my activity, especially since it’s stupid hot outside, and it’s not very motivating going out in one-hundred-degree-plus weather. I know that I’ve got this; it’s just taking a bit more time to get back to that spot of motivation.

I know that I’ve come a long ways, and I still have a long ways to go, so I’m not discouraged about this. I will continue to make progress on my journey, and this is just a slight hiccup. The fluctuation in weight is always a small part of the journey to losing weight.

I know most people think that it’s just a drop and that’s the measure for success. Hell, there are even infomercials on television that try and sale that dream as well. Yet, the truth is, it doesn’t work that way. No muscle doesn’t weigh more than fat, it’s just more compacted. One pound of fat is equal to one pound of muscle, the only difference is in the amount of space each takes. A fat two-hundred-sixty-pound man takes up more space than a lean muscled two-hundred-sixty-pound man. The shape is very different as well.

I can attribute my current struggle with a couple of things. The first factor being the heat. Second factor is that I did change my work schedule, and everything that’s involved with that tends to be a bit of a distraction, however, I’m now working that out to maximize my walking. I’ve been able to get my ten-thousand steps in, even just barely at work.

Another factor that I have only let on in a few blogs is that I have life stressors that have been getting to me a little. With Sarah’s Crohn’s Disease being something that we’ve been trying to deal with for about a year, I find that the change in our life flow has disrupted a few things with me emotionally. Another being that we are now really seeing the after effect damage that the earthquake did to our house. It’s one of those things that I realize is going to take some extra money, that we don’t necessarily have access to handle it effectively.

This all goes along with the fact that I didn’t get that promotion at work. I’ve been trying to play it “cool” and act like it doesn’t bother me, but it does. To know that I’ve come a long way, and have grown so much, just to know that it wasn’t good enough, is very disheartening. I think it’s made worse by the fact that over all, I thought I had it in the bag. I was making plans for something that I thought was going to be guaranteed.

On the plus side, it has motivated me to seek other paths to take, and I’m going to put forth my best effort. I think the hardest part is selling myself. I have to find those tricks that would help show the better side that people want to see when looking for new employees. I’ve been settled in the same position forever, and the fact that it has taken me the last few years to finally find some amount of self-worth is really just the beginning.

I think that’s the valuable lesson here, is that improvement never stops. We continue to learn, we continue to grow. That’s part of the defining factors for self-improvement. I do know that I have value, I get that feeling all the time from the people I interact with. I do know that I’m an inspiration, because I get told that all the time too. I think I just need to find a better way to represent myself on paper.

Something I think is great, is the fact that I’ve gained so many skills since I’ve been doing this whole life change. I’ve become a filmmaker, a blogger, a podcaster, an apparel designer, writer, editor, motivational speaker, pop-culture reporter. That’s quite a list of skills, and I know that some people are thinking, how does that apply to the “real world” with “real jobs”.

I can’t completely answer that yet, but I do know that I’m making an impact and I plan on continuing on doing that. It fulfills a requirement inside of my soul. This helps my balance in life, and it keeps me striving to be better at being who I am.

I’m going to focus and get back on track. The creative part is more alive in me now than it has been in quite some time, and I’m feeling better about it. Now I do have a feeling I know where life plans on taking me, but I also know that I’m in for a bit of work to get to the success that I need to have. I know most people only see the success for people, but never really witness the work that gets put in to get there. This is it people, this is the tie for me to really push to get where I need to go, and not let myself get distracted like I have in the past.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Fix That Motivation With Time

I have been off of the nightshift for two weeks now, and I can’t say how much happier I am. It felt like the last six-months has been nothing but a dream. I am aware that I did some things, but I felt like I was in a fog for most of the time. My days were filled with zombified waling around.

I think part of the problem was that the night shift made me feel a bit lonely. I was reduced to being in bed with my wife for only two nights a week. There wasn’t many people coming through where I was stationed at night, and the night’s that I got the easiest post, I would begin to feel even more secluded. At least I could generally get in my steps with no problems.

Now that I have hours that the normal, sane, living person has, I am getting more of my creative flow back. I’ve been writing more than I had been in the last six months, and my mind is on fire with creativity and ideas to get things back on track. So, I’m back to providing content, and life is feeling good again.

There were things that I was thankful for about night shift though. The weather was over all cooler, and being back in one-hundred-degrees-plus during the day time reminded me of that. Oh and the fact that the earthquakes happened at that time. I don’t think I would have wanted to deal with the amount of people trying to get access to places they couldn’t because of the damage.

Getting back on track of things though, I’m thankful that there are people who do like the night shift. They are a special breed of people that thrive there, and I’m just not one of them. I mean I did well enough, but I just found that it wasn’t my cup of tea.

I’m finding that getting into the full swing of being on a normal shift seems to be taking me a bit longer than I expected to adjust, however I do know how resilient I can be. The 10,000 steps I take, seem to be a bit of a struggle to get too in the heat, but I know that it will be worth it in the end.

The shift in my mindset has been noticeable, as I’m working almost constantly to get more content out. If I’m not actually doing it, I seem to be thinking about it. My sleep patterns have gotten so much better. There really is something to be next to the person that I’ve spent almost half of my life with. I sleep better, and she sleeps better. Even my dog sleeps better.

With that being said, while I’ve had some set backs on getting the big content I wanted out. I have made the steps necessary to get that moving. We did some test shots last night as a part of getting ready to film our short. Re-writes are underway as I continue to work on getting the script ready to shoot. I’m just glad that I’m getting that motivation back to get things done.

I’m not sure if the night shift was conducive with my mental health, but I did learn so much about myself while being on there, and my appreciation for the people I deal with has grown. I’ve gotten so many reactions about not being seen for six months or more, and it makes me feel good to know that I was missed.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t make much of a difference in people’s lives, but then the reactions tell me otherwise. It reminds me of when I was in a darker mindset that if I wasn’t around, then nobody would miss me. I don’t actually think that way anymore because of all the praises and comments I get on a daily basis. Getting called an inspiration does feel good, and being able to reach out a helping hand has built in a new confidence in me.

The biggest thing that I can say about walking away from night shift is that I realized that I learned a part of my job that wasn’t likely to get too during the day shift and if that skill even needed to be applied during the busy hours, I could accomplish that aspect of the job.

Things have been set in motion and I can only look forward from here on out, I don’t ever think I will volunteer to go back on night shift, however if something was to force me onto it, I think I would survive it just fine.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Putting Tabasco on the Basco

I want to give a huge thank you and shout out to Sam Basco. We’ve known each other for twenty-years, and for most of that time we kept talking about doing some working out together. I would find excuse after excuse on why I wasn’t ready to work out with him, and that was how things went for many years.

Sam’s a good guy, he has a love of comics, martial arts, and health. Among other things Sam has written articles on the subject of physical fitness. As I’ve discovered, Sam is really a jack-of-many-trades when it comes to personal training. Not only is he a coach and a personal trainer, he’s also a dietician, a physical therapist, and teaches me life lessons.

Sam’s been the right element to help push my physical transformation. He keeps me honest, and knows when to push me to go harder. He’s also been helping me find my inner warrior, which is something that I never sought out before. I appreciate it because there have been times in my life that I needed more than I was getting, and I wouldn’t stand up for myself. I would just take, and take, until I exploded.

I was out of control and I had no direction. Now things have become different, I’m different, more motivated. It sometimes seems like it’s been easy, but these improvements have taken years to come, and my willingness to change. Sad part is, death was the eye opener. I felt like I was on my way there, and there was a point that I didn’t care.

It sounds kind of selfish now that I think of it. I mean, I have a loving wife, great kids, so why wouldn’t I care about living? Being a depressant doesn’t work like that, all the thoughts are, of wanting the feeling to end. I remember doing things while being depressed that would defer me from having to deal with those feelings. Sarah didn’t understand. The children just say that dad was closing himself off from everyone else. I just wanted the feelings to go away.

Again, it’s a shame that it takes something major to wake yourself up from whatever is going on. I think that the sign that God sends. You need to deal with your issue and buy putting something in front of you, or in this case myself. I had to decide how I was going to handle it. Did I want to continue down the same self-destructive path that I had been on for a few years? Did I want to find that light at the end of the tunnel?

Finding that light was deciding that I wanted to improve my quality of life. I had enough of quantity, and I needed substance to fulfill myself. When I say quantity, I mean I was living off of the pleasure of satisfying my insecurities with food. All the food, all the time. Depression, feed the comfort food to it. Boredom, keep the entertainment by feeding the mouth and keeping the taste buds distracted. Yet, there was always something missing. I wasn’t ready to be goal oriented. I was just skating by with a job, and home life, there wasn’t anything else, and I knew that I wasn’t satisfied, but I didn’t want to listen to myself until the possible loss of employment changed my life.

I wish that we as a a society didn’t have to wait or deny that our persons need a change from self-destruction. I wish that I was “woke” to the situation that I needed to change something. Unfortunately, that takes a courage that all too many times  we lack. Is this because of our vanity? Or is it that change is something that most people seem to fear?

Too often we are taught in society that different isn’t good. While it seems that some of society standards have changed there are those who can’t seem to grasp change. Racism was the social norm until the civil rights movement changed that. Yet, you still hear that hatred being perpetrated, just on a quieter scale. Classism on which people of varying economic levels, view those of a lower class to be beneath them.

Is this why people are ingrained to ignore changes needed in their behavior? Is it truly that rare case in where someone decides to break the social standards, and rise above their giving station in life? I lived a very self-serving life when I was younger, and while I was always a “nice guy”, I had my own motivations for doing things. In a way I still do, just now I choose to help others, because in my motivations, it brings me happiness to see someone better themselves. I wish there were more people like that.

I would hope that anyone reading this would take a look at themselves, and see what changes they might need in their lives. If for any reason is to reflect on the types of decisions that they might make, or constantly make. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

First Blog 2019.

I originally had started a blog about the new year, and how we shouldn’t look at it as a time for a fresh start. The truth is life is about ten percent of what happens to you. The other ninety is how you choose to react to it.

With that being said, I’ve found myself in a very emotional place over the weekend. My mother had a fall off of a ladder while taking down Christmas lights, and fractured her skull. She has multiply contusions and bruised her brain. I found myself looking at her in the bed, and I felt uncomfortable, and I was scared for my mother.

If it would have been my father, I could have handled it. We’ve been in that situation before. He had a heart attack in 1996, so mentally I would have been prepared for that. I was there when my dad was having neck surgery, and so I was even more prepared for that. This I couldn’t have ever imagine.

With everything that I went through with my wife, I think I could have been prepared for her in this situation. We’ve gone through her having a concussion and ending up in the emergency room. Through two pregnancies, and the various health scares, I would have been prepared for her, but not my mom.

Since this incident happened on Friday, January fourth, it’s all been a waiting game. I did get news last night, the eighth, that she did sit up, and that she spoke a little, which was good news. This is still going to be a long process, but any good news, brings me hope that this won’t be as bad as it could have been.

The outpour of love and support has been amazing. I truly feel touched by the texts and messages that I’ve received over the weekend, and continue to get on a daily basis. People, ask about how my mom is, and they ask me on how I’m doing. It makes me think on how valid my relationships are.

Though it’s been a rough start to the year, I’m not going to let this incident define my year, and I will just use it as a brief obstacle in my journey. I did miss a few days in my ten thousand step life. Yet, I’m going to be getting back on track for my forty-day step challenge, I’m just going to have to start over again, but I can do this. I’ve done a twelve days as my highest so far.

On the good news, I did my thirteenth month check-up on Saturday and I’m now down 148.1 pounds. It feels good to be 281.8, with a 40.4 BMI. It’s amazing how far I’ve come since I started this process almost a year-and-a-half ago. I’ve got about eighty-five pounds to go before I hit the ultimate goal, but I figure that my next goal is 265. I’m getting there, it may not be as fast as I was, but I’ll keep it going.

I’m not going to let the bad things define the rest of my life, negativity brings too many people down. I know that mentally, I’m a self-sabotage type of person. I’m also having doubt creep up in my mind when I do the various things in my life. I find myself leaning not to be that way, and I’m constantly  learning not to put myself down.

My personal training sessions have taken a different turn as we’ve started circuit training. This is defiantly a different process as now I’m having to learn to push through with a different kind of workout. I felt like I died a few times during my workouts, but it’s good, and yet it sucks at the same time. I will learn to make this type of workout my bitch though.

I’m hoping that this rough patch passes quickly, but I can’t let it keep me down as life goes on. Well, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Going Too Hard

     There are times when you want to push yourself, I tend to do that during my workouts. Sunday was one of those days that I pushed, but I think I pushed to hard as I had pulled a muscle in my sciatic area. Today, I’m feeling better, but as I look back on years past. I tend to hurt myself while working out at this time of year. I spent two weeks off during Christmas about five years ago because I worked my shoulders too hard.

     I don’t want to say that this happens because I’m careless, but I sometimes push myself to do heavier, and I’ve come to realize that with heavier weights, and thanks to Sam for his knowledge that form has to be carefully watched, that I’m not always careful of what I’m doing. This has been particularly more noticeable as I’ve been learning to do the proper lifting techniques for the Clean and Jerk

     Over coming fear has been something that I’ve been battling with since I’ve started this whole weight loss journey, especially the movement and abilities that I have. I’m having to relearn that I can do things that I haven’t done in years. Being fat for as long as I had been, I became afraid of falling down. Gravity hadn’t been my friend for years, and I would hit the ground harder because I was so big. With that, I’m having to learn that the ground isn’t so far down anymore, and I do have better control of my body.

     This really comes from also trying to get out of my own head. At 145.3 pounds down,  and I’m still learning about the ends and outs of my own body. It’s amazing with what I can do, but it might be even more surprising that self-doubt is still very heavily present in my everyday life. 

     These things will be erased as I do more things that I didn’t think I can do. I know that I can move faster and that I can jog for at least a half-mile straight. It’s still not very fast, but I’m getting there. I just need to keep going, and that’s with every aspect in life. Just keep going, failure is the biggest teacher, and I know that’s not something most people like to hear, and also many people’s biggest fear. Yet, if we don’t fail, we don’t have a measuring stick to use to get better. Eventually, we’ll succeed. Always keep that in mind when setting out to do something. Each failure is a step towards success, and that’s where everyone wants to be, successful.

     I apologize that I’ve been less frequent with my thoughts, and my motivation isn’t where it always should be, however, I often think about everyone, and I’m looking to revamp my motivation, and bring out content. This is the director and that’s a wrap.