Here We Go Again

Here goes another year, as I find my guidance to make it through this crazy thing called life. To be honest, the last couple of years have been a bit of an adjustment. Let’s review what has gone on in the last few years, that have changed my perspective in life.

I guess we should start with the fact that I was fortunate to have been on the night shift during the first several months of the pandemic. I was only supposed to be on it for six months, but it ended up being eight-long-months. The months of March and April just seemed to be a four-month-stent each. Night shift provided me with not having to deal with anyone really.

I think night shift ended up being my saving grace a few times. In 2019 we had an earthquake that registered at 7.1. I didn’t have to deal with much that the day shift had too. It was nice that the last three years in my previous job, gave me a chance to deal with something other than the craziness of the day shift.

Thinking about the last few years, I saw loss, and not with just how a few of my friends had lost loved ones. I know through the pandemic, I had known several people whom had died do to Covid complications. It started hitting closer to home when I had heard that my former pastor’s wife passed from those complications. It hit even closer to home when my sister texted me about getting ahold of my brother because my mother had Covid, and after a few year stint in a health care facility, it was going to be her last days.

This event finally motivated me to travel back east and finally meet family that I grew up not knowing. I’m glad that I was able to get there, however, I was in the air between Detroit and Harrisburg when my mom finally passed. I was met at the airport by my niece’s mom, Jessica. I had an ongoing dialogue with this woman for years, and it was finally nice to meet in person. Jessica is by far one of the most giving and kindest people that I’ve ever known, and her daughters are just the best children outside of my own.

Being in Pennsylvania connected me to something. I can’t quite explain the experience, but I felt like some of my life story had been filled in, and I also know that something about that place calls me to spend more time there, perhaps this next part of my life’s journey. I have cousins that I’d like to get to know, however, I felt that way about spending more time with family here in California, which I became very disappointed with. Though I get along better with some of the more unexpected ones for sure.

Finding myself working after the trip left me wondering where my future would be, and it was early in December when a mutual friend of mine and my ex-wife reached out to me, and informed me that my ex had passed from Covid. I really didn’t know how to feel about this. People kept telling me that they were sorry for my loss. I find that getting those wishes was a bit strange. We hadn’t been together in over twenty-years. I think that my connection to her was the fact that we had become friends again. I felt bad for her as I had watched her struggle with stage four adrenal cancer.

Then the day after Christmas, I applied for a job that would take me on a new career path. I got a job as a media specialist, working for an archive center. I would learn to be more proficient with photoshop and help organize things in a way to make items easier to find. I hadn’t had an office type job since I had been a Realtor in 2007.

This was a blessing to get out of a high stress job, however, I also found myself struggling with not being in a job that was so demanding. Going from a four-day-ten-hour-shift job, to something that actually had a lunch, and a relaxed environment took some getting used too. I still love my job to this day.

I also found time to assist with coaching youth wrestling, working as a personal trainer, and taking various martial art, classes. I enjoyed it all, and yet there was something missing, and as 2021 would continue along I would find that stresses where starting to creep in and really impact my life.

In January 2019, my stepmom ended up falling off a ladder and suffering a cracked skull. This was a tough time in my life, and for the years surrounding this, I was taking time off of work due to sick family members. When summer of 2021 hit, my step mom had another head injury that left her in an out of town hospital for weeks. I think this was when things started to get worse for me, mentally.

I had stopped being really creative and I was feeling it, because creating is the outlet that I need. It saved me from one of the worst time periods in my life. My film stuff suffered, my blogging became minimal. In part because I didn’t know what to say. Worse, I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling. I was just trying to keep positive and sane. I thought that I had it all under control, yet my frustrations, and anger kept creeping in. It just kept getting worse.

2022 I found myself feeling ennui, and I lost myself. I did get back into being creative a little and we filmed, but I struggled being satisfied with it. I had fun doing those things that we filmed, but I needed something more. Getting filming with another became an issue that stopped from filming.

The highlight is that I started seeing a therapist again. It was hard to realize that I didn’t have things under control. To be honest, food as become my drug again and I don’t like how I physically feel. I don’t like how for the last several months, I’ve not been present around my family, but there’s a silver lining.

I had Covid for the second time around Thanksgiving time. It took me longer to actually recover fully from it, and physically I feel like I have to completely start over to get back into the shape I was. While starting again sucks, I’m determined to get all that motivation back and bounce back better than ever. I’m getting back into being creative so that will also help.

I’m the director and that’s a wrap.

Building a Better Me: The Battle

The goal: to improve yourself to “hopefully” improve the way you feel, and to positively affect those around you. Life goes well, and you’re feeling the difference, when things start to head in a different direction. A pandemic hits, then self realization starts to sink in and all of a sudden, you’re in a spot of wondering why? Why so I struggle with the decisions that I’m make? Why have the bad habits seem to sneak back into my life? What does it all mean?

Life is a struggle, and when something gets introduced in some unexpected ways, it takes time to process, and with that more questions come about. Then more of the puzzle from the past comes to start explaining why the “knee jerk” reactions happen the way they do. The scary part is realizing that some of those reactions are from fucked up things that happened to you because of the choices you made down in a distant past.I watched a video once that said that thinking of the past brings depression, and that kind of explains a few things.

Life still shows you the struggle and then you start to wonder about the unknown in the future. You want to better yourself, but making those hard choices, leaves you scared because of the unknown. You know that the current path is easier, even the safer choice. That video I mentioned about depression, also mentioned that anxiety is what happens when you dwell on the future. I guess that’s a case study for living in the present.

I often have found myself zoning out, thinking of other things, besides the present, and I guess that would explain some of the difficulties that I’ve had. Yet, how does one truly live in the present? Patanjali was quoted, Yoga takes you into the present moment, the only place where life exists. https://quotepark.com/quotes/2070613-patanjali-yoga-takes-you-into-the-present-moment-the-only-p/. I think that’s part of why I’m becoming such a fan of yoga. I went to study it for something different to put under my personal training belt, but it’s become so much more than just that for me.

Then you go off track, sometimes you just seem to lose or forget your reason for doing those things you chose to do. In all truth, sometimes, life just gets busy, and you lose focus. That’s when you need the gentle reminder that it’s okay to stumble sometimes. I think part of this comes down to not having the best time management in my personal life.

Work is kind of easy to keep track of all the tasks that need to be done. I multi-task like a son of a bitch at work, and it seems to push me to do better. Plus it keeps me from getting bored from the same desk sitting mundane tasks that happens everyday. That is my professional motivation.

So, where do I go from here? Am I stuck in a pattern of toxic cycles, feeling sorry for myself? I heard a friend say something to me at a birthday party the other night that got me thinking about where my mindset has been. He said that he didn’t know if I had still been practicing kickboxing and that got me thinking about how much I miss the martial arts. It’s never gone far away, I still watch videos for technique and I occasionally move around, but it’s not the same as hitting the bag every day. So, it’s motivating me back into working out.

I have found motivation to get back on the task at hand, to workout, get my steps. The down side is that getting started again is a task since parts of my body hurt. It’s not like the main muscles are sore, I’ve been working on those awhile, but it’s the smaller stabilizer muscles, and other muscles that seem to be much harder to stretch that are getting to me. Once the routine is back on, I’ll be unstoppable.

Now, I’ve been in a strange place with my writing. Blogging has become infrequent, script writing is kind of in the same boat, and I’m trying to get my project filmed, but things seem to be getting in the way of finishing. I know that I need to prioritize my time a bit better, and I think that will help. Even squeezing things in earlier during the day would help.

I had to leave coaching because it was getting in my way of being creative, and yet I really miss teaching. I know that I want to expand on my martial arts so that I can teach more things, and it was always fun watching the kids develop into better versions of themselves, and being better athletes because of it.

My new pledge is to get back into blogging and being creative, because it poison of distraction and procrastination is always present. While sorter then most of my blogs, I’m calling this a wrap.

#Building A Better Me Part 4

As we left off in the last part, I was getting through a rough transition with my first wife. We did some shitty things to each other, but in the end it was for the best. Not knowing how broken I was, I ended up getting back in touch with the woman, who would end up being my partner and best friend for twenty-plus years.

Sarah came into my life as I had become lost and directionless. My mom took a liking to her almost from the beginning, while stating that she was the one I should have married. My parents would consider her a daughter soon after our relationship had blossomed.

We were young, and not even a month into our relationship we ended up pregnant with our first child. I was scared because I didn’t even know if I could do it, and Sarah was constantly sick, and the pregnancy took a toll on her body. This sickness continued throughout most of the nine months.

One thing that Sarah had taught me early on was how to use the internet, and I had made friends with someone with whom I’ve been friends with over twenty-years now. She had been there to help me out as I was scared, for both the mother of my child and my unborn child. I didn’t know what to do. She’s also one of my most cherished friends.

Side note: I had to take a bit of time to sort things out. It’s been over a month since the first part of this blog.

I found myself in a position of uncertainty, my goals had to shift as I had lost my job in January of 2001 because my job just didn’t have anymore work for me to do. Also at this time I decided to got back to school, and I was finding that I was getting bits of money from being a tutor. I think this was a turning point in my life as I was trying to take the responsibility to take care of my then girlfriend and our unborn child.

Dealing with the trauma that was caused by my first marriage, I felt that a lot that happened during that time was a bit robotic, and almost an outer-body experience for a good portion of the next few years. The highlight was that my first born child came into this world. It wasn’t easy by any means, and we would be in and out of the hospital for the last couple of trimesters. We survived it though, yet I was scared to hold my girl for the first year. I was afraid to break her, yet I was happy to be a father.

2002 would be the year that I would start my growth professionally. Sarah had talked me into going to a casting call and I ended up an extra in Disney’s Holes, and with that I crammed the last month in school into a couple of weeks. That also ended up being part of the closing chapter up at the community college.

After Holes, I ended up with a job at Staples. There was something that I worked hard, and with that there were times that I felt that I was owed something, and I’m sure that I conveyed that in some of my actions with management. 2003 was when I finally decided that I was going to work on my career and stopped school completely.

By 2004 while I was trying to better myself, I had the opportunity to become a Real Estate agent. I wasn’t ready for the responsibility that would come with it, as I got my license in 2005, then Sarah and I became pregnant with our son. As I was happy to be having a second child, it did throw a wrench into our plans, with another bout of being in and out of the hospital for the next several months.

I stuck it out until January 2007, where I kind of hand a bit of a break down. Like I said, I really wasn’t ready for the responsibility of what came with being an agent. So, I ended up taking a bit of a break, before going back into the work force.

When I started looking for work, I had gone to our local place that helps with getting employment. This is where I had learned about positive affirmations, and while I thought it was ridiculous I had tried it after I had gotten a job with Kmart. This was when I was finally starting to get ambition to do better.

I interviewed and I got a position as a sales clerk in electronics. I was good when it came to customer service, as a matter of fact, I often would get calls from the front desk being praised on how good I was with the customers. During the Christmas season, I was getting the second most amount of hours besides the head of the department. My supervisor was grooming me to take over. I can’t say that I ever had a bad day while working there, and I tried to get full-time, but they didn’t hire full-time.

In January of 2008, I got a call for doing full-time security, and it was an opportunity that I just couldn’t pass up.

Well that’s it for this blog, and as alway I’m the director and that’s a wrap. I’ll be working on more of this blog soon, and will be starting the Building A Better Me podcast soon. If you have comments or questions, leave them here, or email me at ckproject@zohomail.com.

#Building a Better Me part 3

A bit of a recap, part one and two were about how I compensated, in school with depression and loneliness. While also figuring my acting skills to build upon a lie to that helped build my confidence. I failed to mention that during this time, I had three separate attempts at committing suicide. So, a lesson that can be picked out from this is that I’m a survivor, and that I’m glad that I made it as far as I have.

Now, my family and I decide to move back to California, to my parents hometown. On the way I thought that this would be a good way to get a fresh start, and I decided that I was going to just be myself, and not lie to make me something that I wasn’t. At this time, I had made the choice to take a year off of school, and just work and live my life has an adult. We moved here, I got a hair cut, and pierced my ear. I do recall that my parents, weren’t exactly happy with that.

With this new phase in my life, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, I started going to church with family, made friends, dating some pretty great people. Some I hurt, other’s hurt me, but that’s life. Work life was interesting because I would meet the sister of my first wife when I was working at McDonalds.

After my first year, the ego thought that we were doing well enough and I enrolled in college. This would be the introduction to theater life. One of those things that I was adept at was taking criticism and learning to be a better performer because of it. I had learned somewhere that criticism was meant to make you better, and not necessarily to break you down. I had fellow actors who viewed that as an attack on their acting abilities. Ego really gets in the way sometimes.

So, how does this really go with building a better me? Well, outside of being an authentic me, I don’t think I was ready to become someone who was self-aware of my behavior. Dating had led to marriage, heartbreak, and finding love again. It was during this time that life would take some interesting turns.

I want to say that dating Mariah had been an experience. I loved her, yet we would fight, and I had an affair the summer before we got married. If you would have asked me at that time, why I did it? I would have said that I wanted to be sure that I loved her. As I looked back, I was looked at by someone who found me attractive, and I needed the validation at the time. Why would I tell her about this? It’s because for once in my life, I actually felt bad about doing a douche move like that.

What happened after put the red flags up that I think kept me in the relationship long after it should have ended. I was scared, and what’s worse I wasn’t sure what she would do, or what she could do. After breaking her heart, she handed me a letter, it was completely written in her blood. My ego was scared for my life, but we worked on it, and made things work. Big red flags! What possessed me to marry her? Again, I was in love, yet I hated her father, and he felt the same way back.

Decisions that I had made at this time, had hurt some good people, Sarah was one who got hurt, and I never thought I would be able to make things up to her for it. Maybe, I’ll be a decent person yet?

On the day of mine and Mariah’s marriage, was going to the best day of our lives. It was a good day, kind of awkward trying to get her stuff to blend in with my stuff. It was the next day that I should have stopped everything. She had become something totally different over night, like going from the woman I had known for two-years, to someone I had never met. What? How?

It was an act, it was a way for her and her mother to get her out of her parents house. It was about control, I couldn’t talk to my friends from out of state, in particular, the females. Crazy, isn’t it? Oh, and I couldn’t watch professional wrestling anymore because the female wrestler’s were prettier than her.

I’m sure someone is thinking that this was karma for some of the shitty things I had done in my life? The emotional torture that would come up as from time-to-time she would tell me that we were pregnant, just so that at a time later, she had miscarried. God damnit Chris, what’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you leave? I was in love, and for some reason, I was trying everything that I could to work it out.

Turns out that this story ended up more about control through manipulation. I wasn’t innocent, I mean things turned verbally abusive, and in turn things got thrown around. I was hot headed and stubborn anyway. It was bad, as I was working at Walmart, and she would call just to check up on me, or at least that’s my interpretation of it now. I would have to leave work on several occasions and take her to the ER, some for legitimate reasons, others, because I think she was a bit of a hypochondriac. I know that she didn’t have the best of upbringings. This was from what I observed.

I did try to make things better because after I had left Walmart, I had gotten a telecommunications job. I was making really good money, and I thought things would get better. However, like most stories with any sense of structure, we were getting to the climatic finally of this story. The job was good, yet it took me out of town. I had to take a few trips out of state, like Washington, and while being stuck in traffic in Oregon, I called Mariah to check in and she told me that she was pregnant. Something inside of me was different this time as my response was more of a unenthusiastic oh. I let her go, and went off to finish our trip to Washington for a few day work order up there.

One night while I was on the phone with my bride, she had told me that she miscarried, something about the way I felt was an unenthusiastic oh, sorry about that. I just didn’t seem to have it in me anymore to care.

After I got home, I had found that she had moved out. Cool, means that I could move on with my life, right? I was broken, and anytime we would meet, and try to talk, it ended up with us fighting. All until one day I got a restraining order. I was mad and couldn’t understand why this was happening. Yet after that day, she would call me everyday and say that we would still be together and that it was just her father’s idea. It was redeculouls with the accusations and when we went to separate at court, the judge laughed. Yet that was it, things were finally over.

During this time, Sarah and I just happened to have a chance encounter at the grocery store. She was shocked, because I had a Britney moment where I had shaved my head. I did it before her by-the-way, but it was the way I could start to make-up for being a jerk.

Stay tuned as I come to talk about the transition from being broken, to start healing and becoming a father. There’s still more to a decline of myself, and some improvements along the way. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Achieve the Balance

It’s been months since I’ve blogged, and it’s crazy how things have been going for me. My life has gotten so much busier that if I was too stop everything, I think my head would explode. My personal training certificate has been a nice bonus to add a little income to my brands, and being a youth wrestling coach on top of that has been a blast. I’ve enjoyed watching the kids improve their skills as I’ve been able to partake on their journey. I’ve also been able to make friends with my fellow coaches that’s helped to provide a better work relationship to boot.

I spend several hours a day at the gym, either coaching, or learning. I’ve gotten into the martial arts of Jeet Kune Do, started learning grappling to help with my coaching in wrestling, Brazilian Jujitsu, and Kick Boxing. I find these to be a challenge and fun. I never thought in my life that I would be a martial arts junkie, yet here I am. One style that caught me off-guard was Tai Chi. I know that it’s often thought of as the old person’s martial art, but let me tell you that I’ve had the most insane experience with it.

Sam had me try it for something a bit different. I slowed down weight training to try a few new things, and on the particular day that I tried it for the first time, it caught me in my emotions. As hard as I have strived over the years for improving myself, there are still aspects of my life that I realize are unbalanced, and the movements and energy just brought everything up to the surface. I find myself needing more structure and discipline. I need focus, which is something I thought I had, but apparently I don’t.

I’ve been struggling with getting my next certificate in personal training because I’ve lost focus. I don’t want to say that I’ve ben depressed, because it doesn’t feel like it normally does, but I will say that my mind is easily distracted lately. Maybe I’m doing do much? Maybe with everything going on in life, uncontrolled events, I just lost the drive to do things.

That’s something that I should address, my stepmother, the lady who raised me, had spent time in a hospital earlier this month because she fell and hit her head again. To be honest, I thought that I was going to have to say goodbye to her. She was in scary bad shape, and it was hard to see her like that. Something that makes it harder is the news that it seems that she’s in the first stages of dementia, and that isn’t easy to deal with.

I’ve come to realize that I’m at an age where mortality is becoming very real, and watching my parents health decline has been an uncomfortable situation for me. I’ve mentioned when the age that I was going to start expecting my parents to pass, that sad part is that the time frame I had predicted has started to really come into view.

So with these events going on in my life, I’ve been struggling for my Sports Nutrition certification. I’ve been working on the last couple of questions that have involved a case study, and honestly I feel done. I didn’t even get to finish the study. I want my cert, but I think that everything is finally hitting me. I guess that’s where my depression is at right now. I’m going to get through it, and I just have that feeling of giving up and crawling under a rock for a while. It sucks, but again, I know that I’ll get through this.

On a plus side, I’ve got plans for my next cert, as I’m going to be learning Yoga to add to the services that I already provide my clients, and I might start teaching a class at some point. As for what the end goal is, I do have a plan, just Yoga kind of fell in my lap. I’m thinking that this will be a great way to get my stretching in. I’ll be the first to admit that I could stretch more than I do.

I also have to mention with all the mixed emotions and turn of events in my life, I’ve been doing the Media Specialist job for seven months now. Outside of working on movies, this has been the best job I’ve ever had. I like my boss, and I like my supervisor. The cool part is that I’m appreciated, and I’m able to help teach them somethings as well. This is a job that allows me to use my artistic mind on the things that I do.

Another positive is that Sarah’s Crohn’s Disease hasn’t seemed to gotten worse, and her arm has better range. I’ve been able to watch her and Christopher II learn and practice Jeet Kune Do as something to help them out as well. I think it’s helped Sarah with her range of motion. I think it’s going to help Christopher with his coordination, as he really like the teacher of the class. As a side note, that teacher has said that he’s learned from my coaching to take a bit more time with one of the people, since I tend to work more with the smaller children during wrestling practice.

With everything that’s been going on, there are times that I do feel that I should quit coaching and being a personal trainer. It’s not that I’m not good at either, it’s just I’ve realized lately that I’m feeling burned out. Sarah says that she recognizes it because I tend to do that, spread myself too thin. Yet, I always feel that I can handle it, even though I should know better.

One of those realizations that I’ve had was that I’ve been pushing off being creative, telling myself that I’ll do it as soon as I’m done with the subject at hand. It never seems to come though, and I really need to get back to work, because that’s where my passion is in life. Creating and making movies, shorts, and other content. It was easier at the other job, when I had time to sit down and write while off on some remote place, doing my job. The Media Specialist is a great job, it’s just surprising how busy it keeps me, and that is something that I love about my job. Plus I do feel appreciated and it doesn’t go unnoticed, like I’ve mentioned before.

So, I find myself trying to figure out what it is I’m going to do. Do I keep going on the path I’m currently on, or do I finally take a step back to be creative, because it doesn’t seem like I have much time to do both? I’m sure that this is where I am currently and that things will work out, because I’ve got so much going on in my head right now. Plus there’s the fact that Pennsylvania is calling to me, because my maternal mother’s memorial is coming up the first weekend in October, and I feel that I should be there for that. I do miss my nieces that it would be great to spend a little time with them.

As I reflect, and find balance in life, I’m sure the answers will happen. People say that it’s happens in His time, and I’m not against that idea. Maybe the fates have other ideas for me? I think I need to meditate further for reflection. Thanks for taking a bit of time out of your day to remember that I’m still around, and that I do try to get to the blogging, but the past year and a half has been crazy. This is the Director and that’s a wrap.

Remember What It’s For

We all falter at times, and do I feel like I’ve been constantly faltering for three last year. I know it was over a year ago that I was fighting to keep the momentum going and it was the first time that I had to take the rest of the week off from work. While it was a point that stopped me dead in my tracks for my workout momentum, it was also a blessing as it gave me enough time to finally heal my ankle up fully. It was also the start of the pandemic, something that none of us knew would change the way life would continue on.

It was at this time that I was still early on my next time on the nightshift, a co-worker and mine had been doing Starbucks after work on my last shift for the week, and life was pretty good. It was also the time that we wouldn’t know how political everything would be for the next year. In all of “this” excitement, we wouldn’t know what things we were going to be missing, or how we would feel about having our “freedoms” attacked. God, I try to keep away from the politics in my blogs, but this last year just seemed so politically heavy. That, or maybe it was just the first time that I really started to pay attention, and see just how ugly people can get towards each other over differencing points of view.

I’m not sure if it was the fact that we couldn’t go workout, or the fact that my momentum being stopped, just kind of helped cause me to loose my way, but somehow I just stopped being as motivated. I remember that I did try to keep up with my momentum at home. I was still trying to eat right, and I know my workouts started to fall off the grid during that time. Yet, it wasn’t like I stopped wanting to exercise. I know that I was keeping up with my steps. I just wasn’t pushing or pulling the iron like I used too. As with that, I gradually just stopped concerning myself with the work out.

I did however think that I was still being a bit more mindful of how I was eating, but I think that it kind of got out of hand and the bad habits started to creep back in again. I keep thinking that it wouldn’t hurt just one, which added up to more than just one. However, I wasn’t going to let that guilt me into anything too bad. I did maintain the weight for a good amount of time. It’s just now I’ve got to get back on track.

Now I find myself in a job that does more sitting than standing, and I am still figuring out how to keep active while working. At least I’m starting to find the momentum that I need to adjust to the new schedule, and I’m getting a routine for everything. I have also find that I preferred to workout during the lunch hour, and I started to do my personal training sessions during my lunch break. I think that this will be better in the long run.

The time to stop feeling sorry for myself is now. I remember that part of why I started this was to be an inspiration, and now I’m in a position to actually help people get healthier. I got my personal trainers certificate for that reason exactly and that’s part of my intention. I was able to help assistant coach a wrestling team, and I look forward to helping the youth become better athletes in that sport as well. I was told that I had promise as a coach. I hope that it helps me become more confident in helping others obtain their goals as well.

The last month in the new job has been unexpected, and I didn’t realize that it would take time to adjust to a different definition on what normal is. I was active with a uniform and heavy gear for several years, and to go unto another extreme has taken some time to adjust. It’s different when the whole environment has a different dynamic. It’s strange not having to just depend on myself for everything. I love that the job is a new type of challenge and engages my creativity. I find that to be an important factor as a creative mind. I’m able to use my talents to contribute to something bigger than myself.

Have you ever questioned the meaning of life? I think it’s defined differently for every individual out there. I do believe that there’s commonality amongst people thought. For me, it’s about adding to something bigger than myself. Helping others, is just part of what puts satisfaction for me. With that, things sometimes slip away without realizing it, and the focus can be lost. Does that mean it’s a bad thing? Is motivation so easy to forget? I think that I ask myself more than anyone else, because I remember the way I used to feel when I was out of control in my life. The feelings of not belonging in my own body. This isn’t a pleasant feeling, and I’ll fight like hell not to get back there.

Yet, here I am, and I’ve gained some weight back, and lost some motivation. I’m fighting against those feelings, and as of last night, I started to remember that motivation. I can get control back, and it’s not always going to be easy to get things done. I’m just glad that I’ve gotten the opportunity to help coach a wrestling team, and motivate the youth in becoming better versions of themselves. I find that being an instigator is a valuable tool in my skillset because when I talk “shit” I think it helps to motivate them to try harder. Sarah tells me that I’m good with the kids because I’m likable. It might be something to do with my sense of humor as well, but who knows?

I hope that I can find the full determination that I once had. I know that hitting the plateau for as long as I did was one of the hardest and most discouraging things that happened to me. Plus adding on a pandemic and several crazy months towards the end of the year, didn’t seem to help any. Again, that’s enough of the bullshit excuses. Now that I’ve reflected on how things have gone down, and I have my personal trainers certification, I’m ready to get back on track and kick as much ass as possible.

Now it’s time to get back onto some podcasting and various other creative content, as we’ve been developing our comedy, and I’ve been working on my mafia series. I just can’t wait until we can put everything together. I also know that wanting to get things done has been a bit overwhelming, and I’ve not been able to get things done. I feel that there’s a change coming on so that I can get back to finishing these things I’d like done.

So, what motivates you? Have you lost it? Do you want to be motivated? Leave a comment down below. If you haven’t liked or subscribed, please do so. I find that you input matters and I would love to have a conversation with you, the reader. If you feel too embarrassed to put yourself out there like that, you can always e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com. Your feelings are important, and you never know a friendship could be formed, and there are others who probably feel the way you do. I know that I’ve found a community of supporters that provide a safe space where most aren’t as judgmental as you might think.

As I’m finding the new rhythm in life, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

The Three Link Circle and What Motivates You?

I heard a saying throughout my life, that always talked about the mind, body, and spirit. The three are linked and it’s amazing how much it truly is linked. I think it was more prominent when I lost all the weight originally and started to feel the body and my mind really feel a bit more in sync. Yet, I’ve not been feeling in sync much lately. I’m trying to be motivated, but things have been a bit rough lately.

With that being said, I love my job, but I think that I’ve been hiding behind that as an excuse for why I’ve not been working out regularly. I know that most aspects of my life are good, I just find that I’m not as motivated as I could be. I saw that guy, and I know who he is, I just can’t seem to hold up those expectations that I once had. Again, I know that it’s an excuse. I’m sure most people can relate, right? I’m sure that if I keep fighting, I’ll find it again, after all I do have the means and the knowledge to get there.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve gained a little weight from the pandemic, and lack of motivation, but my body hasn’t been feeling right, and I also know that I’m starting to find that pace I need to get back on track, which I know is contradictory to what I stated, however, I know it’s there, I just need to say fuck it and go for it. I won’t lie, I’ve been overwhelmed about things in life. I’ve got all these things that I want to do, but being overly ambitious isn’t always the best thing to be. It can lead to mental fatigue. I bet you’re thinking, “Wait a minute Chris, I thought you had your shit together?” I only wish that was true. I’m sure that this is just a phase and I’ll get through it, I’m just finding that it’s been hard to get back into the groove of things. Even with things going so much better than I had planned.

Again, it feels like I’m making an excuse, because I really do want to be that beacon that I once was. So I guess that physically I’m not in sync with the mental part of me. I just need to actually switch my mindset. I hadn’t realized that I would be so busy with work, and maybe that’s what I’m trying to get used too. My last job, gave me certain freedoms that kept me able to concentrate on other things. Now, I’m just trying to figure out what I need to do to take my breaks and do a bit of activity. I’ve been able to move boxes around, and honestly, I’m able to get about two-miles in my little building during the day, including a bit of walking before and during lunch.

That’s it, I just need to finish finding that rhythm and go for it. I’m already feeling better, by talking it out here on this blog. However the question still hasn’t been asked, or stated anywhere; what’s your motivation? What is it that drives you to do better? Not being the person that I used to be is probably the biggest motivator for me. I’m finding that I’m having to tweak different, small aspects of what I’ve been doing to find the right path. Maybe I need to find something in the middle of my day to help get back on track. As a matter of fact, I’m gonna try to do my workout during my lunch to help get things back on the right path. My job has been very physically demanding with what we’ve been currently working on.

What about the spiritual path, where does that healthy aspect of life fall in line? Some find going to church and having fellowship is what helps to refresh and renew the relationship with the deity that they choose to worship. Some, find that working out in the gym is their path to the spiritual realm. For me, it’s when I go for my 10,000 step walk, on a “mostly” regularly basis. I’ve fallen a bit flat with that, but again, I’m adjusting, which I did say feels like an excuse, but I’m finding that adjusting to the new life change has really put me into something of a surprising nature with finding out how much the work has put a demand on me. I do love it though, because it’s a fulfilling job, for my energies and mentally. I love the positive atmosphere.

Things are also just seeming to fall in place for other aspects in life. The only part that I don’t have much change for the better is Sarah and her Crohn’s. That’s frustrating and leaves me feeling for her as there’s not really much that I can do for her. I can only say and do so much, but I do care, and I know that she knows that. Again, there’s only so much that I can do.

I’m taking some other movements that hopefully help get and get the brands going in a better way. Sarah has been working on prototypes for merchandise, and I’m glad that she can things to do that won’t irritate her arm, and gives her something that helps her feel useful. I believe that she even said that she was finding it “fun and exciting”.

Circling around to that link, between the three aspects in life that are most important for the self-well being: physically, mentally, spiritually. It’s like links in a chain, it’s only as strong as its weakest. I know that it sounds cliché, but there’s reasons that they fit so appropriately. I gained a bit of weight, and I feel it. It’s thrown my balance in those links off. Mentally, because my physical link is off, is also off. For my spirit, it’s always battling with itself, yet I will endure.

My critique is this; I felt that this blog might have gone a bit all over the place. I’ve been working on it off and on for the last week, and quite frankly, I’m glad that I am starting to get a rhythm going with this life change that I’ve been handed. It’s all about building a better version of myself, and career wise counts just as much as physically, mentally, and spiritually. They all are linked, and a good career, can help to enhance all of those things. Getting away from toxic environments helps with these things. Getting away from negative influences helps with these things.

I think that the next thing I really need to work on is time management, it feels like I’ve got so much to do, or at least what I want to do. I find that it gets overwhelming at times, and I wish that I could get more done everyday. It’s a job to keep working on the physical health, mental health, and spiritual health. The goals I have are going to be obtained, it’s just a matter of hard work and focus. Most people don’t see, or don’t get the kind of work that goes into success. There are memes that talk about the iceberg of success, and I know that if I keep going I will get there. Though curve balls tend to get in the way from time to time.

So, where have you been on your path? Do you know what direction that your life is going? Do you wanna talk about it? You can always feel free to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com. I really want to hear from you. I want to start a conversation that would be mutually enriching for the both of us. Remember too like, subscribe, and please share the blogs. There may be someone you know that might find some inspiration in the words that I write. I’ve been fortunate to have people tell me that they’re glad that I have the “bravery” to share my story. I appreciate all the love and support that I’ve been shown through the years. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

2020, You’re Really Trying Me

As my last blog talked about my adventures in Pennsylvania, I need to continue on what some might consider a bit of a shit sandwich. As I was coming home from the airport LAX, I was graced with the news that my dog of eight-years needed to be put down, because she was sick and wasn’t getting any better.

What a way to capitalize an already emotionally charged time in my life. Ever wonder how much one person can endure? I swear that this year is just trying to break me, but I’m gonna be okay. I did cry a bit today as I was finishing updating my social media. Looking at a pic that I took of Smush a couple of weeks ago really got to me. This could be because I’ve either not fully processed everything, or it’s just now starting to hit me.

I know that I’ve still kept myself busy since being back. I don’t feel like I do a whole lot most days, but when you break down the stuff that I do keep involved in, I guess that I do keep busy. For example, I finished the blog that I had started on Friday, published it. I did a live video on Facebook, then I also worked on costuming for a character that’s premiering on a comedy that we’re writing. Plus I dealt with other movie business as well.

I don’t feel like it’s a whole lot as I didn’t study any of my personal training stuff until today, and I finished the chapter that I had working on for what seemed like weeks now. At least I have ten-days at home to concentrate and get some stuff done. That’s the price I had to pay, just to travel all across the United States.

Before I get off track, I should mention a bit more about my pug, Smush. She’s been my dog since we got her over eight-years-ago. I was the human that she claimed as hers. I’ve never had an animal that seemed so loving or dedicated as Smush. There’s going to be a place that seems to be missing in my heart. She was the best little pug, though a pain-in-the-ass at the same time. I’m going to miss her.

I swear to God that my keeping busy isn’t a way to avoid anything, but I feel like anytime away from trying to be creative seems to be a waste anymore. I play video games as a way to relax, or wake-up. I do the same with movies, unless I’m doing some studying as a filmmaker. Is it crazy that I still don’t feel like I’m doing enough? Has this become an unhealthy obsession?

I know that I had five-days-away from doing anything, besides family things, but man I feel like I’m either making up for lost time, or maybe I’ve got a renewed vigor. I know that as my group gets more and more into the projects that we’re developing, I want to do this as a full-time thing. I’m even excited that I’ll eventually be training people to become healthier, and I figure that at some point I won’t have to depend on other entities to be my boss.

That was always a goal I had in mind since I was old enough to figure out the kinds of things that I wanted to do when I became an adult. It used to be about me having my own music producing company, then it was on to having my own film company. These are blurring and becoming more like reality.

Everybody grieves differently, or so I keep getting told. Could this be how I grieve? By creating? By letting my ambitions to lead me in a different direction? I guess that I could have other vices that could be more destructive, yet here I am, choosing to create. I’m trying to make life more fulfilling. I’m not saying that what I’m creating is necessarily beautiful, but that’s in the perspective of the beholder. I’m just here to entertain, and enlighten. I’ve been told that I do both decently and I continue to improve, that is the goal over all. To improve.

I’m choosing to use the loss of my mother and my dog, as a way to inject something into my creative process. I’m going to show their love through whatever it is I’m doing. It’s my way of taking the negative and turning it into something positive. I feel that this shows where my personal growth has gone. As I’ve strived to improve myself, I find that the way I would react to many things have changed over time.

This Covid-19 pandemic has proved that I’ve changed my perspective on things. I’ve had friends complain on how this has inconvenienced their lives, and how they wish that live would quickly get back to normal. The way I look at this is that this has turned into an opportunity to grow, and learn. I’ve been fortunate to still be working, and it’s a blessing because I’ve taken the time to pay off debts, and right now I think that’s where a good focus is, because I’m trying to build something, and I need to make decisions that could potentially stop this type of income from coming in.

The risk versus the reward, has been something that’s been weighing on my mind for sometime now. Even today with the pandemic becoming bigger and more serious, it weighs on me even more.

Side note: This blog started several weeks ago and I am now getting back to it now twenty-days later.

Things have been crazy since I started this blog. One of those things that have been heading in the right direction is the fact that movie business has picked up an opportunity to have a place for a creative base for at least the little bit. Yet, November has just seemed to go by, and I took a bit of a mental break the last week or so.

With that break though I find myself getting back on track today with completing a couple of quizzes for my ISSA personal trainer certification. I’ve done twenty-two out of thirty-one quizzes so far. I need to have my CPR certificate, and I realized that I updated mine last year. So things are starting to look good again.

I should say that I’ve been changing the way that I eat, and I’m starting to feel better about my weight loss journey. This is the one thing that I’ve been struggling with. I’m not sure why I let myself get back into some of those bad habits, because I do feel better not being as big as I was. I’m not trying to let my mental state use food as a crutch, I promise that I’m not.

I guess that I should address my mental state a bit, because since I’ve been back to work I keep getting asked the same question everyday, by what seems like, everyone. “Am I okay?” I honestly don’t know how to respond more than I’m fine. I mean there’s been so much that has gone on over the last month, and even most of the year, I feel like I might have just skated by and gone through the motions. I really am in a place where I just don’t think that I’ve completely processed the events that have gone on, but I also just don’t feel like I really have anything to say to anybody. I don’t mean to seem like a dick, or that I’m ungrateful for the concern, but I just don’t feel like talking about anything, except to a few people and those people aren’t really any part of my usual circles as it is.

Truth is I’ve found something that has spoken to me, and I feel that it’s trying to lead me to a path somewhere on the opposite side of our country. I don’t know how to explain it, but Pennsylvania spoke to my soul. I connected to a part of my life that I never knew was missing before, and I’m eternally grateful for those who took time out of their lives to let me in, even for a brief time, or better yet, opened a bit more of a bond then just through text.

I have my goals here, that I’ll continue to pursue, but I also think that I want to take part of that and build it in Pennsylvania as well. I’m going to leave with those words, here, and now. I also want to say that while things haven’t always looked the best, and that I’ve tried to keep that silver lining going, I do have plans to show where my success is starting to show, it’s just going to take a bit of time, but all will be revealed.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

I Slipped

I suppose I should start out by saying that I finally weighed myself the other day. It said that I had gained about twenty-pounds. I’m not surprised, I’ve become more self-aware that I realized that I started going the wrong way. My clothes weren’t fitting quite like they used too. However, I’m not going to let that keep me down. I know what I’ve been doing wrong, as even if the pandemic has hampered some of the things I had been doing, I do realize that I have been, and will be doing all that I can to correct my path and get on the right track.

The hard part is that I’ve let the situations in life distract me from my goals. I know that the last couple of weeks seem to be testing me, but I’ve not let it keep me down so far. I need to get that focus back, and I need to not let life hold me back. I know it’s all about how I react to the situations in life. With me finally getting off of the nightshift, I feel that I’m starting to get back on track to that motivation that I need. Crazy part is that in the beginning, the shift took a bit to get used too, but I was doing well. Even with the bum ankle that I had for the longest time I was going strong.

Then I came down with a case of food poisoning. It took me out for a week, but on the bright side, it did give me the time to fully heal my ankle. The shitty part was that it seemed to take forever to get that motivation back. This was also during the first part of the pandemic for Covid-19. I kept working though, just couldn’t seem to keep getting my motivation going. It would seem that I had all-the-time-in-the-world, but the truth is I got distracted by other things. I got involved with a situation that started to put me into a depressive fog.

The issue with that depressive fog was that I didn’t realize what it was at the time, and it really lasted for way too long. The pandemic also ended up limiting my time with my personal trainer, and again, I wasn’t as motivated to work out. These things combined; and I’m just not being as active as I could be. I could look at this as a failure and say that I feel like giving up, but that would be too easy. I’m not going to let this hold me back.

Update: Since I started writing this blog the other night, I had gone to the emergency room, thinking that I might have had a kidney stone, however after seeing the doctor, he thought that I should get my gallbladder checked out. I haven’t gotten the results back since I just went in on Monday, the twelfth. I discovered since my lowest weight, I’ve only gained a little over eighteen pounds. I know that it could have been far worse than it was. Like I said before, I could let this keep me down, however I choose to allow this to be a teacher, and I’m getting the focus back that I need to continue on to my success.

One of those things about the weight loss journey is that there are many companies that want you to think that it’s a complete slope going down hill once you lose weight. As a matter of fact, many companies tend to market off this idea, to “sell the illusion” to convince you to buy their product. People tend to gravitate to the idea, as a quick fix.

I’ve struggled with weight my whole life, and to say that I’ve never tried one of those fad diets would be a lie. I mean they do work, to some extent, but the whole concept is too keep you on “their” diet plan for as long as possible. My journey hasn’t been a straight down slope, as a matter of fact, I’ve hit a plateau for a long time. I didn’t let it keep me down, however, I do need to get that focus back. The positive is that I’m not starting over, and that I have a place of reference now, more than I ever did before.

The strange part is that I saw this coming, and I knew how it happened. The incredible part is that I’ve never been so in touch with my own awareness. For the longest time, at my heaviest. it felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt like I was trapped in a body that wasn’t mine. Could this have ben a result of some trauma from my past? I think I might hit up one of my professional friends for some insight into this.

I think that this is part of that whole taking power back, and I know that I can do better, and will do better. I admit that I want to say that it feels like I let people down. I guess part of the transparency is the fact that we all slip and fall. The lesson is to get up and keep going. To quote the greatest storyteller of our time, Stan Lee, he would always use the word excelsior. If you look up the Latin meaning, it’s meaning is ever upward https://www.dictionary.com/browse/excelsior.

I think about the man, Stan Lee, and how his stories have impacted my life. It’s excelsior that seems to be something that’s hitting me more and more these days. I mean look at The CK Project, it’s about mental health, weight loss, improving one’s self. It’s about ever upward. It’s about pushing yourself in a forward direction.

I’m surprised that it hasn’t hit me as hard mentally as I would have expected, but then again, I think the fact that I’m staying busy keeps me from having those stupid thoughts from coming in. Don’t you hate it when your mind tells you those negative things? I have had this conversation recently with people that I care about. It sucks that we tend to self-sabotage ourselves of our potential, of our happiness.

I will say that it felt good to get a podcast the other day for The CK Project, https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA. We addressed World Mental Health, as it’s something that still isn’t always talked about. Plus, what ever we’ve been dealing with behind the scenes, is helping pump up my motivation, and we’re trying to set some new, reasonable goals. It’s all about finding a way for our work flow to be more effective.

Keep finding those things that make you thrive. Too much in this world seems to want to keep people down from living and being happy. Some people want to say that working and making money is living. I say that working and money is the way to survive. Being a motivational person, and a filmmaker is the way I live. For so long I let other people dictate to me what living was all about, and right now I can say that they’re wrong. You want to know the secret? Passion! That’s the thing that people should discover for themselves to survive, what they are passionate about.

I’m working on being more effective for those who follow my stuff, and I’m trying to diversify what content I do bring unto you. I know that we are making some strides in places that’s going to lead to some of the most incredible stuff that we can provide. I can’t wait to share all those plans, because next year is going to be a productive year.

As always, thanks for checking out the blog. Please like, and subscribe. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Realigning Priorities

With society being on various forms of quarantine, those who stay home have mentioned things about learning a new skill, or finishing some sort of project that has been worked on, but never finished. I’m realizing that I need to start working on some of those things as well. I still have to work, and being on the night shift doesn’t make my motivation for the waking hours any easier.

I realize that I need to work on stuff that I’ve been working on, and I need to practice skills that I’m still in the early stages of getting better at. On the plus side, I’ve low-keyed gotten a few things done here and there, so I’ll take that as a win. The fact that I’m putting out blogs one to two times a week seems to align with the things I tried to do the last time I was on the night shift. I know that there were a few months that I didn’t seem to have much going on besides staying awake, but I’m going to do my best to keep providing the content. This is both for the purpose of being a creative person, and my mental sanity.

It feels like I don’t have enough time to do anything, except the physical activity that I do throughout the day.  Truth is, I have all these things that I have on the back burner, and I don’t want that to be an excuse, however sometimes I think that I try to take on too much and that’s why I tend to get stagnant when actually getting something out. Man, I also have this plethora of ideas being churned around in my head about this whole Coronavirus ordeal. In fact I think I have come up with a few story ideas, that I think I’ll start notes on here in the next few days.

This situation has also made me realize that I want to start keeping in better contact with those who I actually want in my life. I’ve been reaching out too those that I actually find to be important to me, and hope that I can keep the solid bases for the relationships I have. Doesn’t it bother anyone to want to do more with friends, and find that life has gotten too busy, or that we’ve become too distracted for communications? I know that I’d like to blame it on the fact that I’m too busy doing things all the time, but the truth is, I’m easily distracted.  What is the distraction, you might ask? Video games, movies, social media.

That last one kind of skirts the edge of a complicated relationship, not for just me, but I’m sure there are plenty of others who might relate. I know people like to keep up to date with what’s going on with who. Have we just gotten to the point where we want to know everyone’s business? Has it always been that way? So, there comes the other question: What about you, Chris? Why does social media distract you so much? I know that my view of social media changed after I started going to film school. I also know that my reason’s behind why I do social media has changed quite a bit.

I used to feel that I wanted to share every problem, opinion with everyone. Yes, it’s still true, but I do things a bit differently. I mean I would complain online about work, relationships, etc.. I would also celebrate the triumph and happy stuff too. How is that different than what I’m doing now? Social media is about promoting my brands. That’s what it’s about for me. Part of what it is, using my experiences to show people that there’s a better way, that the thoughts of depression and suicide aren’t always the final answer.

I’m about uplifting, encouraging, seeing others succeed. Watching others succeed in something I wish I was successful at isn’t always the easiest thing too endure. I’d love to be making the incredible content that I see some of my friend’s doing. I’d love to have that job that pays me to do what I actually love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my health and wellness brand, that’s where I find the most success as it is, with the most response. I’d just like my film company to be making something all the time, and I’m sure we’ll get there at some point in the future, it’s just hard to see others take that train to glory town sooner than expected.

I knew that I would end up running into a stump along my path, as I have a few times. It’s not uncommon or unexpected. I knew that putting this burden on myself, would be an undertaking, but I also knew that it would help keep my mind busy, which is a good thing.

One of the bright and consistent things, while I haven’t completely been motivated to workout, I haven’t done too bad otherwise. I’m still getting in workouts, even if they’re not always as intense as I usually do when I workout with Sam. I’m not feeling a shrinkage of any of my clothing that I wear day-to-day.

That’s one of those weird things about my  weight loss journey so far, that I’m in-between  sizes for somethings. I wear an extra-large to a two-x in shirts. I was up to a five-x for the longest time. Now I can wear large shorts, sometimes an extra-large in shorts depending on the make.

I didn’t ever consider that would be in anything under a three-x. So, I’m happy about the work that I’ve put into myself. I’ve also started working on getting to the point where I can do a hand stand, while I’m not there, I think that’s one of the next goals that I’m looking to achieve. This might take sometime, but I know that it’ll be worth it. I think I want to get into parkour at some point in the future. That’s one of those things that Assassin’s Creed(2007) had gotten me interested in.

I can’t believe that I’ve been living this new life for almost two-and-a-half-years now. I have no regrets, and I do think that I wish that I would have made that decision earlier to have the surgery, but I think that I had been in a kind of limbo from the end of 2013 and I was just actually understanding how to come back from it in 2015. It took the instance of actually coming to the realization that I could meet my maker in 2017, that gave me the view of needing to be reborn.

That is exactly what I’ve done, and I have the cognitive view to see how I’m changing. It’s something that I still see, and the realizations coming with that. I’m in the process of dealing with my past and self abuse. I’ve still got a long way to go, and I hope that I can figure it out.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, as it does deal with me as a whole, coming from focusing on my weight loss journey, and my mental health. Things are going well,  considering everything going on in this world. Remember to subscribe, and leave comments to help make this whole thing better and help me to keep improving my content. That’s the director, and that’s a wrap.