Two Years And Change

I put this picture here as a reminder of where I’ve been, and where I’m going.

I would be lying if I said that I’m okay with the before picture. I mean looking at what I was, there comes a certain dose of reality that is hard to swallow. How could I have ever let things get that bad? I mean I knew I was heavy, but the reality is that I never thought it got that bad.

I look at that before picture and I know why it was that way. You could see all the negativity, the fear, the fact that I still didn’t care if I died or not. I carried that with me for a long time. It’s funny to look back on the past and get the sense of how foreign all of that was. How would that person back then, react to the person now?

I know that if I could talk to that past version of myself, I would tell him not to worry, life gets better, and that things are going to happen very unexpectedly. I would tell him that he’s going to feel better physically, and that everyone is going to constantly ask if he feels better. I would tell him that mentally, he’s never experienced something so profound, and things will lead to living the best life ever.

It’s been a journey that has built character. It hasn’t been easy and there have been times that I wanted to give up. In the beginning there were times that I didn’t feel that it was going to be worth it. The hard work and struggle that I would have to endure. The self doubt that would creep into my mind.

The truth is that I still have days that I still feel like I’m 429 pounds. There are days I feel disgusted with my own body, and that I’ve blown all that hard work. I’ve also been told by others that there are times that they feel the same way, even if they’ve lost a huge amount of weight. I wonder if it ever leaves us mentally?

With all that weight, came a feeling of self loathing. I hated myself, and what I represented. I didn’t care, hell I actually still wanted to die. I was slowly killing myself, and I had to find that one thing to turn myself around. I know there are aspects of my job that I would walk away from a day of work and thought that I was going to die during my shift, and walking, feeling the pain in my knees was the worst. I hated feeling like I was falling apart.

That was the turning point I think. I was walking up some steps and my knees started to hurt, and I became clumsy. I would start to trip when I walked. Something, somewhere clicked in myself and I was ready for a change. That was when I decided to make the call.

I think another fact that contributed to the decision was that I was on the last leg of my bachelor’s program at school, and I wanted to see where my professional life was going to go. I find it funny that my professional life has driven me in different directions and that it has contributed to both braking me down, and me finding myself.

When I look back at that time in my life, I had no direction, and now my focus is on things that I never really concerned myself before. I feel accomplished with the fact that I’m always trying to go forward now, and improving myself for a better future. That’s where I am mentally, and I couldn’t be happier. I know that the journey is just as important as the end.

I’m glad I got the help that I needed to get myself in a better mind set, and I recommend that if anyone else starts to feel hopeless find someone to help you get through it. Professional help is the best place to go, and it’s a shame that people look at mental health as a taboo subject. I’ve noticed a movement of people becoming “woke” about this and other subjects as of the last several years, which is a plus. It’s a shame that we’ve come so far, yet we still have that much farther to go for full acceptance. Why does society have to come across like a bunch of animals in so many circumstances?

I know I’ve mentioned before about the amazing support system I have, but to take that one step further, most of the most important people in my life have, or continue to support and nurture me in my growth. These people are more important than they will probably ever realize, and if they’re not sure who they are, I’m going to be telling them soon enough.

While this blog has taken me a few days to write, it’s given me a bit of time to reflect and realize that while the last five years have been about growth, most of it has actually happened with in the last two years. My decision not to be a victim to my own self-loathing was the first part of that bigger step.

I will continue to provide the audience with insight and content from all aspects of my life. I hope that people continue to reach out, either for advice, or because they find inspiration in the things I do. With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

Stuck In A Box

As I sit here, I find that I’m having a feeling of frustration. It’s a bit windy out and the night shift has me pondering all sorts of crazy things. I feel that I need to find a way to better fill some of my time up. I think that I should start brining my scripts to work on while I’m at work, during my down time. That’s after I do get my 10,000 steps in a night at work. I can’t forget that’s part of the reason I decided to take the night shift at work.

As the weather gets better, I know that I will continue to keep the momentum up. I’m not a fan of the cold wind that presents itself to me when I’m doing the work outside of my box. Losing the weight, I really notice the cold now. Yet it’s nice to be on a shift that I’ve gotten to meet and talk to a different set of people than I’ve been used too.

I think part of what’s been driving me crazy is that I get stuck searching the messengers for people to talk to, or the updates between the social medias. I’m finding late at night, Twitter seems to be the more active late at night than any of the other social medias that I follow.

One of the small reliefs that I’m able to enjoy is a mini vacation at the end of the month, where I’ll be able to go to Wonder Con, and geek  out on all the things I’m passionate about.  For a set of five days, I’ll actually be back on a normal schedule, and be able to sleep next to the wife that I’ve slept next too for most of the last eighteen years. Yeah, the night shift has been rough on most of the family because of my absence at night.

The bright side is that I’m counting down my time, and I’m about three-and-a-half-months until I can switch shifts again. Oh, and someone reached out to me on LinkedIn to discuss a possible job offer too me. I hope that this interaction leads to something amazing, because it would be great to have a new opportunity for professional growth, and it would be even cooler if that job was seeking me out.

Sometimes my box at work gets me to thinking a wide variety of things. As I’ve discussed before I’ve had some dark times at work, and then I sometimes get the feeling of loneliness, but I’ll never revert back to those dark times. Those feelings where the worst, and seeing people with those same kinds of feelings made me feel even worse than I had already felt. Seeing people end their own lives actually made me feel guilty, because I had felt that way. I’m not even sure if that was an appropriate response, but that’s how I felt.

Even in those brief moments in time now days, life has gotten better. Hell, this week marked my one-year since I graduated from Los Angles Film School, and it feels so good to have that accomplishment. If it wasn’t for all the events that happened so long ago, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Am I where I want to be? Not completely, but I know that I’m heading in the right direction. After releasing The Reunion(2019), last week, and getting the feedback that I did, I’m on the right path. Positive reactions, and being told that I’ve done a good job, and even got asked about specific aspects of the process, has shown where the talent lies.

The avenue of podcasting has been another topic at hand between me and a several people lately. The comments on that have also been surprisingly positive. I’ve always been one to shine when it came to personality and charisma(not my own words, I promise), and I guess this really shows where the talent lies as well.

I’m blessed to have the support system, and they enjoy putting the work in these projects as well. Some of those in my family seem a bit more eager than others, but it’s beautiful that I can share these passions with them, and watch as everyone grows into something more.

Has anyone else ever felt stuck in a box? How do you deal with the feelings that come with it? Where I work, I actually work in a small building that feels like a box, and getting to talk with customers is probably the best part of the job. No, matter what happens to my future, I’ve been lucky enough to make friends both out of co-workers, and customers, and some of those customers have becomes some of my strongest supporters. Hell, one even hooked me up with a place to film Nash Gray(2017). Customer service has always been my strong point in the professional world, and I think most jobs require some sort of customer service, no matter the industry. So, that’s a tip, learn good communications and customer service skills, because both seem to be lacking in the world today.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Ex Conundrum

As a blogger, I get inspired to write about subjects that come to my mind. One of the subjects that I’ve often have brought up is my ex-wife. There was so much that came out of that relationship, that left me in shattered pieces for a long time. I’ve healed from the pain, and forgiven for my own personal growth. As, I’ve been in contact with her a few times through out my adulthood.

As I’m writing this, I’ve come to realize that self-improvement started for me in 2007, when I had run into my ex-wife in K-mart. We talked and I came out of that situation with forgiveness in my hearth, and we’ve learned to become friends over the years. There’s no way that we’ll ever have that connection that we had when we were younger and in love, but I care for the person she is.

Now, I’m married to another woman, who’s been my life partner for eighteen-years. I love her, and life is far better than I ever thought it would be. So, about five years ago, the ex sent me a text, and while we were talking she told me that she had come down with stage-four cancer. She had even sent pics of her in a hospital, without any hair. I was shocked, and a bit saddened by this news.

The thing about my first marriage was that there was a lot of shit that went down, and things went very south, in a rapid manor, and it would seem that this first chapter into adulthood would be closed forever. This was a time of tremendous growth into maturing, even in the most fucked up of ways. At least now the scars are finally healed.

So, now that I’ve made piece with the ex, there was no animosity between us, I had tried to be a person that she could talk to, because her bridges had been burned with plenty of people, and it wasn’t like I had to have a very strong connection to the situation that she was in. The cancer had got me to thinking about how things were, and how things might have been. That was the last conversation that I would have with here for many years.

For a few years, I would ask her family how she was, more so if she had passed, or if she had beaten it. The one thing I know is that I felt that knowing if and when she passed would give me some closure to that chapter in my life. I know that those questions were hard for her sister, at least she knew I cared.

There are so many things that we had done wrong while we were together. We were young, and very inexperienced, especially when it came to our emotions. While things were fucked up at times, and we had more bad than good, it was a defining moment in my life. I had lost friends over that situation, and I hit rock bottom. Yet here I am, stronger then ever, and it helped me to realize what kind of people I wanted in my life. The right people who left ended up back in my life, and I ended up with the right woman in the end.

In hindsight, I don’t regret the decisions that were made, as it helped lead me to where I am today. I think that’s how our experiences develop help us mature. Some take us down, and rock bottom happens at different points in our lives. I think that’s what shows us our true nature. Do we decide to have this destroy ourselves, or do we decide to use those choices to build upon the knowledge and experience to prevail.

I think that I want to take a moment to thank my ex for the experiences that we gained together, shitty or not, it was the moment that caused me to grow a bit. I was disconnected from so much because of what had happened, but it’s built up a pretty strong sense of what I wanted in life, and my principles are stronger than ever. I hope that you do kick the cancer in the ass and you survive. You and I both deserved better than either one of us had been willing to give when we were younger. I find myself caring about you as a person and hope that the future gets better for you. Even if it doesn’t, know that I only wanted the best for you.

One of the best things anyone can do, is learn forgiveness. That’s part of the CK Project, to better one’s self, and forgiveness can sometimes be the hardest part of our growth. Sometimes, it’s easier to just hold on to the grudge and let it eat away at our souls. That’s not how I want to live. I’ve been told that I’m very much like my grand mother, and she was a bitter person who knew how to hold on her grudges. I don’t want to be that person, and I strive daily not to be that kind of person. It’s taken years to get to the point where I feel chill and laid back, but I know that it’s not hard to feel those negative feelings.

Remember to keep looking for self-improvement, and as Michelangelo once said in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles(1990), “Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.” This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Fill In The Blank, I’m An Addict

As I was sitting here, editing the sound on my short, I needed a break, and so I thought that I would blog. The thing about this blog, is that I had been sitting on this idea for a little while. Plus, life has been going pretty damn good for me, so I haven’t had anything on my mind in particular to say, until the other night.

There are times that life brings up “ghosts of the past”. I never did drugs, and I was never an alcoholic, but I’ve gone through some different spouts of addiction in my own right. I’ve seen people deal with other aspects of addiction, and I’ve observed how it’s affected people.

I used to be addicted to food. It was a way I would find comfort in life, and it was something to help me because of boredom. This later one, has tried to creep back in a bit. I’m also addicted to entertainment. That goes anywhere from video games, to movies, and music. I’m also an addict to attention, in particular that of beautiful women.

Food used to be the answer for everything. I mean if you look at society, it would seem that everything is built around this concept of food being at the center of most social gatherings. We have an over eaters anonymous, to help people who can’t stop eating. You go out to relax with co-workers, and it usually ends up at a bar, or a place for dinner. Family gatherings end up with mass amounts of food, and socializing. Any way, you can see where I’m going here. This is easily an addiction that most people don’t seem to realize, but that’s okay. It’s something that with a little thought, can be pondered on, and acted upon accordingly.

I love movies, music, video games. Hell, it all comes down to the fact that I’m addicted to stories. I use them as a way to escape the realities of what life can sometimes be. I can imagine myself to be something greater than I am through these same stories. Part of the issue that comes with this is procrastination. Probably the single worse enemy of any person who should be more productive in life. I found it kind of ironic that as I get into developing, or working on my own projects, the desire to watch or play, becomes far less than it usually is. I like going to the movie theaters because I like the experiences that it provides.

Now, talking about my addiction to attention, is probably the harder one to talk about. I’ve made some really bad choices when it’s come to the attention that I have sought in the past. Being an only child who would get pick on for being a “lesser class” of person on a military base, had given me the bad attention, and I was always wishing that I could fit in. Getting called “fat” and “ugly” are a few words that. stuck with me. They still affect my decisions at times thirty-years later.

My desire of attention has at times been a blessing. I found at a young age that I had the talent to be a performer. While in grade school I was in choir, and then again in high school. I found an even bigger love for acting. I took some classes when I went to the local community college, and I was hooked. This would eventually lead me to wanting to become a director, and the rest is history.

The thing about performing, or speaking in front of people gets me high. It’s an incredible energy that I just can’t get enough of. Part of it was to feed my ego, and there was another part that I loved about making people feel different ways. I’ve always loved to me people laugh, it’s something I still do today. Yet it was even more powerful when I could grab their full attention, and take them on an “emotional rollercoaster ride” with whatever was in my characters intentions.

This is where I found being a writer and a storyteller is an art. The truth is, I want people to feel a mixture of emotions when they see my movies. I want to make people laugh at one moment, and then cry the next. This is where my addiction has taken me. In the end, I just want people to look at the piece, and talk about how it made them feel. I want to know that there was a discovery of something that made them feel a specific way.

The attention from the people I have found attractive, has gotten me in trouble a few times. I see that this part of the addiction is where I can be self destructive. I’ve womanized, I’ve hurt some really good people because of these actions. While I can never take away what I have done. I realize that I can grow from it. I guess this would be the drug that I’ve been addicted to the most. It’s never easy to mention that it had been a problem, and usually when I can’t figure how to deal with what is going on in my life, I find that this has been where I would turn.

I’m not proud that I’ve been this way, but I’ve settled with my problems, and haven’t had to turn this way in a long time. Finding a purpose in life has given me the meaning that I’d been looking for, and self improvement is becoming the new addiction.

Any addiction can be destructive. It can ruin lives, and relationships. I’ve had friends, and family who’ve had addiction as well. It’s always good to find a way to help those who need to get over their addiction. The biggest thing to remember is that the only way to get over any addiction, is that they have to want the help first. I was at  the point where I wanted the change and needed the help, and that is why I’ve been successful with getting over some of my issues. I hope that if somebody needs helps, they can get the help they need.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Eleven Months, You’ve Been Good

My check- up was yesterday, and it was nice to see another pound gone since Tuesday. I’m glad that things are no longer stagnate with my weight. It really gives me the motivation to keep pushing myself to get better.

One of the things I’ve done is get ten thousand or more steps in everyday for the last six days. I’m shooting for making this day seven, and hopefully day eight tomorrow. There are times that I don’t always get them in but then, I do need to have a break.

More and more confidence comes my way as I get closer to the goals I’ve set for myself. I’m even looking at nicer clothes to wear. Sarah says that she likes seeing this new side of me. The weight goes down and the confidence just pours in. That’s one of the perks that I’ve gotten to enjoy in the last year.

So my weight is currently at 290.3, and the last time I saw this was in the year 2000. It blows my mind that I’m in better condition than I have been most of my adult life. That’s legally an adult now, crazy. With 139.6 down, I’m feeling that getting another 10.4 pounds will be gone be the new year.

The rest of this month is going to keep me fairly busy. At least one day during the weekend, we’ve got something going on, next weekend will be our Society of Creative Anachronism’s local event Frost Dragon. I’m excited because I get to share this hobby with a friend who’s never been, and I hope that she finds a passion in it, as I’ve had, hopefully even more so. I’ve also heard that a couple of other friends who I don’t normally see except at out of town events might be showing up. That’s even more exciting because they are geeky individuals as well.

The weekend after is going to a mini-comic book convention, so that’s going to be fun. Especially since I’ve got a geek media that I’m working on getting off the ground. So much is put into getting things really going so that I can enjoy my passions, and make some money to support the family. It also helps that they show the same kind of passion.

The weekend after is Thanksgiving weekend. I’m going to enjoy a four-day weekend, as the plan for Black Friday is going to the theater to see Creed II(2018). It’s exciting that I get to sit and watch it with my son. When he said he was into boxing, I thought why not share my love of the boxing movies of the Rocky series. He really got into it, and when we were watching those movies, it was giving me the chance to watch Creed(2015).  One of the problems being a movie connoisseur is that I don’t always get the time to watch everything that I have, and it takes quite a bit of time to get through when I can.

We’re in the works for filming the documentary based on my weight loss journey soon. The biggest part is getting something that call B-roll footage, I’ve got to borrow some photos from my parents to add to the film, so it’ll both be amazing and a crazy trip through time as I gather those things together. The biggest thing I hope that this documentary helps inspire more people than this blog, and the various social medias already have. Helping other’s is what I think my purpose in life is. I enjoy it, and it inspires my children to do greater things too.

I have a second blog on Tumblr, follow me there as I get out more content and pictures on my adventures for my weight loss journey, and I also share posts about exercises and other types of content besides what goes on this blog. I’m going to get that blog to show more than just weight loss and mental health. https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ckproject.

Please keep enjoying my writings, and don’t be afraid to reach out if you have any questions, or comments. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

#ITSOKAYNOTTOBEOKAY

     Disclaimer: Due to technical difficulties with internet and the real world, I’ve been away, and I’m back for more….

     As with most of my blogs as of late, I usually start off by talking about my weight loss journey, but being away for the amount of time I have, something has struck me with inspiration, and pulls me in a direction that I normally only touch upon. Not today! Today I want to talk about #itsokaynottobeokay.

A few weeks ago I was on Facebook, looking at the many posts and memes that get shared, when I happened to see a post about being there for others with the hashtag its okay not to be okay. As many of you who do actually read my blogs, know what The CK Project is all about. Some have been with me from the beginning, way back in 2011, when it was just about motivation for better physical health, but its since evolved into more than just the physical, but has incorporated the mental health as well.

It’s funny how things seem to go full circle, then brings attention to the real reasons that I started blogging. I’ve been witness to some friends of mine being in the dark places, and I want to let them know that “it’s okay not to be okay”, but to remind them that better times are always around the corner.  Being someone who’s been in the mindset of suicide on more than one occasion, I want to remind my friends, my readers, that I know it’s hard to get out of your mind with the ideas that there’s nothing better, and to end it all, would be the best way, but it’s not true, nor is it the best option for anyone.

I know how lonely it gets, and it’s frustrating to see my own wife go through her battles, and watch her discover what the dark shade of depression is. I also know that it’s easier said than done when it comes to dealing with it. Just know that those who are meant to be in your life are there for a reason, even if it’s just so you can learn to tell them to fuck off. I know someone who’s dealing with hate and discontent in their family, being that I myself have a spotty relationship with most of my extended family, I understand. Sometimes we have to make the difficult choice to cut those people out of your lives. I know that I don’t deal with most family members because I’m the black sheep, and I look at life very different then those who grew up together.

Remember, it’s okay not to be okay. It isn’t just a hash tag trend on social media. It’s a reminder that it’s okay to not stay strong. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay, to be vulnerable. You’re only human, and that’s….okay. We all have gone through some form of rough times, and we all can weather the storm. Life can and will get better if you allow it, even with a bit of help.

Self analysis is a strong tool to have to help get through these problems, and I remember when I felt like I had nowhere to turn. Getting the help, more importantly, asking for the help is the first step to recovery, in any situation in life. That’s always why having other’s around you can help you figure it out. If you don’t have the tool set, find someone who can help you get that tool set. Find that way to count your spoons.

As I’ve been on this journey of self discovery, and building a better me, I’ve grown so much, and I see people who’ve had the similar struggles, tend to show kindness in a world that usually doesn’t have any of it to spare. So we deal, and try to manage, then you get that asshole who wants to shit on whatever progress you’ve made. That’s something that’s damaging and can lead to worse things. Unfortunately, those people don’t care, or give a thought to what they might have just done.

It’s okay not to be okay, and if you need assistance, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me, and if I can’t help you, I’ll find you somebody who can. I’ve lost a few people to suicide, and even one is too many. This is why the project is stronger than ever. This is why I do what I do. This is why, somehow, its been my bigger focus in life. Saving someone is worth it, and I’ve been there to help people not leave this earth too soon, and I’ll continue to strive to help as long as I can.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

Becoming Something More

I was at my personal training session yesterday. I worked out hard, and pushed myself. As I was walking home, I started to contemplate why I would submit myself to the torture of exercise. There’s times that lazy sounds so much easier and better. There are things that I fight with myself to keep going. I push through the burn, and sometimes it makes me feel nauseous. I find the fat person that I was for so long telling me that I can’t do it…that I should just give up.

Ghosts of the past, that’s what that all is. I’ve spent most of my life being weak. Not just physically, but mentally, spiritually. I never really stood up for myself until I had been pushed over the edge.  Somewhere along the way, I finally had enough of just the skating by in life. After not being there to stand up for myself. I felt trapped in a situation that I didn’t know the way out. I was desperate and I had a strong fight or flight moment. If you’ve been paying attention, then you know I was all about the latter.

The way I resolved to flight was either by running away, or by suicide. I came very close to doing both. Emotionally, I had to find a way to escape the world that I was dealing with. I was tired of getting pushed around…then I did something drastic…

As I had time to contemplate my life, I still wasn’t dealing with the problems at hand. Instead, I was drowning my time in playing video games so that I didn’t have to deal with the world. When I finally got a reality check that I was going to lose my livelihood, I started to make those changes, and prepare for life in a different way. That was the moment that I decided to invest in myself. I decided to go to school, and do something that I was actually interested in, and not just the safe thing. I’m not doing the thing that everyone else says I should. I found myself, and my inner strength.

That was the first step in finding my mental sanity. It’s a struggle when you feel like the worst person in the world, and that you deserve to die because of it, but this was the first step to recovery. From there, as things started to hit some sort of normalcy. I had to make the decision to get my physical health better. Even after the first step, I really didn’t care if I died or not.

It took me a bit longer, but I finally found the courage to do something, and I went and decided to have the weight loss surgery. Eight months after the fact, and I don’t have regrets… There are days that I struggle still, and I’ve had a few bouts of depression and self doubt. It’s getting better, and I’m accomplishing things that I never thought I would.

39249602_2140727309516199_3760672728722440192_o

Walking home from my #personaltraining session with Sam Basco. It was a great work out, but sometimes I wonder why I put myself though the physical suffering. Then I remember where I’ve been and I’m now under 300 lbs. I’m a survivor, and I’m becoming a warrior. I’m going to continue until I’m the best version of me. #GastricSleeve#PostOp#WeightLossJourney#walkingmyassoff#personaltraining #10klife#flawlessvictorymma

For the first time in eighteen years, I’m under 300 pounds. I’ve seen my worst, and I don’t ever plan on getting back there. The truth is, I’ve been a survivor my whole life, even without actually thinking about it. With the help of my friend Sam, I’m starting to find that warrior inside, and I like that. I want to be stronger, and I need to keep going. I want to be the best version of myself. Not only for me, but for those around me. I plan on being an example, and I need to be a person of strong character for it.

From this day forth, I’m going to be a warrior that fights to help people who struggle through depression, and other mental health issues. I’m going to help fight people who feel stuck and helpless. I’m thankful for the people who I have around me. I have the best support system in the world that allows me to be stronger than I am at times. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Feeling The Funk

Well, I’m down another 6.3 pounds for a total of 107.9 lost. While I’m happy to be at 322 pounds, I’ve been in kind of a mood lately. I want to say that it started yesterday, but truth is, I think that it’s been going on for a bit longer, or at least lingering at the back part of my mind. Hence why I haven’t blogged in about a week, but alas, I think I’m finally crawling out of that eternal hole of self pity and doubt.

Life has been good to me, and so much positivity has been coming my way for some time, but every once in a while, self-doubt comes into play. Thoughts that come through like am I ever going to be able to be successful? Am I really liked? Am I doing the right thing? These thoughts come into my head every once in a while, even when things are going so well.

Yes, I know that the answers to those questions are yes, but when dealing with depression, they can hit at any moment. At least I know how to deal with them better, these days. I appreciate those who I talked too and who understand and have been supportive. Some of them have been with me a very long time, and it’s nice to have that cushion of support when I need it. Those are the people who understand how you can feel all alone in a room full of people.

On to the more positive side of things, progress is being made in life, and I can’t wait until I can officially release details on what’s going on. The news that I’m receiving is up lifting and gives me hope for better things, but I don’t want to jinx it.

So, my personal trainer has been pushing me harder in my workout, and when I made up a day on Friday, I didn’t know what I was going to do. He pushed me through a circuit that about half way through the middle of my second round I didn’t think that I was going to make it. I had to dig down deep and push. My body was trying to convince me that I wasn’t going to make it through, and my mind was trying to tell my body that I could do it. I hate when the body and mind get into an argument, I don’t think it ever ends well for the spirit.

I’m starting to see the muscle definition in my arms. I still have a ways to go before I get those six pack abs. I’d love to have them, but I’m not in any hurry to obtain them. I feel like I’m still trying to get used to actually push myself into working out harder. Convincing myself has been even harder to do, but I’ll get there.

It seems that this month’s motivation to get in the steps has been a struggle for me this time. I know that with the heat coming in, I’m not prepared to deal with being drained of energy from this “dry” desert heat, but sure enough, it seems to happen every year. The worst part is that summer feels like it’s come early. I’d rather have a Westeros “Winter is coming”, to be honest. I prefer the colder weather over the heat.

I’m excited that the next prototype of the CK Project shirts are being developed. Once I get my hands on it and give it the final approval, I’ve already got people wanting to represent the Project, and I’m grateful for the love and support from them.

It’s an amazing feeling to be part of starting a movement, and I’ve had people tell me in private on how proud of me they were, and they plan on keeping watch for further developments. While I’m grateful, I do say that the best way to support me is to follow my content. Like and share what I’m doing. If it motivates you, let other’s know so that they can get motivated too. That’s the biggest and best way to show support.

Remember the weight is at 322 pounds at this moment. One of the most important things about this is the fact that I haven’ been this light since I was an extra in Disney’s Holes(2003). It’s a great feeling and I’m still not quite half-way there. Keep tuned to see what happens next. As always, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

The Heat is On

Holy crap, this has been a crazy week.  I got ahead of my homework last Sunday, but haven’t gotten around to doing anymore of it yet.  It’s been a busy week, and hot doesn’t begin to describe the weather outside.  So, let me get to a wrap up about what’s been going on.

Monday was a day that got up to around 113 degrees outside.  After work we had to head down to the Los Angeles area for my second sleep study-this time with a CPAP machine(yay me!).  The hooked me up to a mask called a nostril pillow, which is the smallest, but it left my nostrils sore the next morning.  I don’t know if it’s improved my sleep any, but it’s made me more aware of my tossing and turning at night.  That was part of the reason I decided to do most of my homework on Father’s day, because I wasn’t going to be good for doing homework on my regular schedule.

When we got home Tuesday, I was feeling tired still, but my lungs felt full of air.  The best part was that I didn’t have to work that day in the heat.  Wednesday was a different story, it got up to like 114 or something crazy like that, but I survived it and made it through the rest of my week, but because of my early work days, and the heat, homework just wasn’t happening for me.  So, I’ve taken a couple of days off, not bad really, just wanted to have another weekend free.

Now we come to today, Friday, June 23, 2017.  I was the first up and I decided to get on my Xbox and play Mass Effect: Andromeda, I enjoyed it, but then I decided to play Injustice 2 for a while.  As it got around noon time I decided that I would do the homework thing, problem is my computer needs all these updates, and so  I’m here waiting for the programs that I need to use to update, but it give me sometime to sit in front of a fan, cooling down and blog to everyone who pays attention.

Tomorrow there are going to be some great announcements on the Luckey Bom Films side of things, so if you’re following the Facebook page, if not here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/Luckeybomfilms2/. We will be putting a special video up on our new YouTube page, and it’ll give you an idea of what’s going on.  We are going to be really getting started on what we love, and this is the beginning of why I’ve been going to school.  Don’t be surprised if we turn up the “heat” by announcing not only one, or two, but three separate huge projects that will keep us busy.  My job as a content provider is just starting and I have some great groups and projects that I’m tied too outside of the Luckey Bom Films studio.  So, until next time.(I need a signature motto)

Self Doubt and Contemplating

I felt in a funk today.  I’ve been there for a couple of days, and I wasn’t sure why.  I think it started with the fact that I as thinking about doing some major rewrites to Life Happens, I feel that I need to add some real substance to the lead character as he deals with the tragedy that has befallen his family.  Then I started my new class last night and I bombed my first quiz.  My biggest problem about last night was that I was tired and too much into my own head to let anything really sink in.  I know that I shouldn’t let this bother me the way it has, so I need to shake myself out of this funk, and I’m going to do that.  Unfortunately going through this mindset also sets up the ever dooming question,”am I good enough?”  I know that I shouldn’t feel that way, but sometimes it’s hard to think of the silver lining.

I do feel a bit better, thank you for thinking it, and I’ve decided that I’m not going to let these negative thoughts get in the way of partaking in a celebration of my wife’s birthday.  She has tolerated me far longer than I think I would’ve ever tolerated myself.  I’ve known her for nineteen years, and that’s over half of our lives, and most of that has been together.  She’s been my strength when I’ve been down, and she’s seen me at my lowest too.

Now back to the first subject at hand, I hate being stuck in my own mind because I realized that thoughts like that tend to sabotage my own success.  That’s where being my own worse critic comes in at as well.  When you get told that you’re not good enough, it tends to stick with you throughout your life.  That’s not saying that I feel that way anymore, but that self doubt crawls in every once in awhile.  I’m glad that I have the people in my life that I do because they’ve been the biggest support in my life.  I’ve got an amazing set of friends, and my chosen family are the glue to my backbone.

I don’t plan on letting any minor set back phase me, because life has been going so well for me.  I’ve got the production studio being prepared to start producing content, and I’m looking forward to getting the creative process flowing again.  I’ve got so many ideas that I can’t wait to share with everyone, and I’ve gotten a few characters in development that I think will get some laughs once the sketches start being written.  I just hope that with Luckey Bom Films  and the CK Project are successful, and I hope that I don’t overwhelm myself by doing a billion things at once.  I can’t forget to mention the things I’ve been developing for the Geeks of the IWV.  This group has been going fairly decent for a local group that is almost a year old, and I’m glad that I can be part of this group with wonderful and passionate geeks like myself.  It really has brought my relationship with people to a better place.

So, I have a pod cast in the works, actually about three of them, and so I’m wondering what people think about the content I’d like to get out.  We have a geek pod cast, would anyone like to hear reviews on the latest Comics, movies, and maybe video games? How about video’s demonstrating some of the boardgames that we play?  For my other pod casts, what type of content would you like to see?  Relationships? Local News?  Up coming plans on where the projects and companies are going?

Final words-  Let me know what you think?  I’m trying to get more marketable and I’d love any input that you might have?  Take care and good night.