Quarantined And Staying Healthy

There’s a feeling of rebellion when we are told that we should not do something that we take for granted. In the case of this Coronavirus we are told to stay inside and practice social distancing. Some people think that this pandemic is a hoax, that it’s just made up to instill fear. Some brush it off as just another flu strain that’s going around, and that it won’t be as bad as the media is making it out to be.

My daughter has two friend’s both online and out of state, and they have contracted this said virus. Sarah and I have met both in person, and we’ve never gotten the impression that they would do anything to be anything than dishonest. One of these people we’ve known personally for a few years, and has gained our trust.

The truth is, we’re living in some strange times. We’ve survived the biggest earthquake seen in over twenty years. We’ve seen a country become divided with politics. Now, we’re in a pandemic like something the world hasn’t seen, at least in a long time. It doesn’t look to be finishing anytime soon.

I know that people where hoping that we’d be done and over this by the middle of April. As I said before, not everyone is taking this virus serious. Now, our president has pushed the “suggestion” back towards the end of April, of being quarantined. This is something that has put people into a deeper “funk”.

In my opinion, I feel that this isn’t going to turn better until around June or July. Why, you ask? Because people still aren’t taking it serious. I hear businesses aren’t pushing for the safest work conditions, I’m calling you out on that Hobby Lobby.  People thinking that it won’t be that “bad”, walking around acting like it isn’t a big deal. Look, at the suggestion of professionals, that are asking to stay indoors and social distancing, it’s not really about those individuals, but about the one’s who could die.

This is a virus that seems to spread quickly, while it’s easy to manage, not everyone is taking the precautions that need to be taken to decontaminate themselves. I don’t want to bring it into the house where it could potentially get my wife and kid sick, or worse. It’s called responsibility, and I know people who’ve been actually dealing with this in metropolitan areas, and have heard about the precautions that they’re having to take to protect their own families.

Having three cases pop up in our little town has added a bit of harsh reality for some people, myself included. I hoped that it wouldn’t come here and that we were just being cautious for everyone’s safety. Then I heard that someone came up positive at the facilities that I work around. This scares me, and I worry everyday that I’m there about catching it myself, and passing it on.

This is a tough time, both physically and mentally. It’s just as tough, hell even tougher for those who have to make the harsh decisions about what’s going on. The global economy is going down, and America is feeling this hurt. So, if avoidance is the only way to contain the infection rate, is it worth the economical impact that we’re about to see? People are already starting to feel it in their pocket books. The lower and middle class can’t afford to take the time off, because they struggle to get by as it is. Small business owners are facing the uncertainty of if and when their businesses will be back in running. Businesses that have a lifetime of investment for some people. Big corporations will survive, that’s what they do. It’s the smaller shops that worry me.

The reality of death is something most people don’t like to talk about, and this virus has taken about 700,000 as of March 29th, 2020, that is if you are to believe the media. Yet, I feel that there’s going to be more caused by this virus, and it won’t be the virus itself. The truth is, people getting stuck at home are going to get depressed. Some look at work as an escape from the realities of their home lives. Jokes of needing a break from the kids, or from the spouse have been running rampant on social media. Hell, it’s been a cliche for just for such a long-time as it is.

As we lose money from not working, or as the economy crashes down, we’re going to find the suicide rate going up. I hate the thought of it, but money is something that people stress over. It’s part of the reason we have such a high divorce rate in this country. Depression, loneliness, are very real, and I’ve struggled with them my whole life. So, I can only imagine how other’s will struggle with this situation.

Keep busy, that’s probably my best advice for this pandemic. Play games, connect with family. These are just a couple of ways to keep your mind busy, and that’s the trick here. Stay busy. This is a good time to get those “honey do lists” done. Maybe learn a new skill, or catch up on reading that book you’ve been meaning too. There isn’t an excuse to focus on you and relaxing for a bit. Don’t fall back on the old vices that might not have a positive affect on you as a person. Keep your mind strong, as well as your body, because we will get through this.

It’s often said that it’s easier to give advice, then to take it. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s true. I’m pigheaded and often don’t want to listen to my own sound logic, however, if I do end up staying home(and even if I don’t) I’m going to take this time to work on content. I’ve got scripts that I’m writing, I’ve got blogs that need blogging. Plus, working on podcasts is nice as well. So, as a content creator, I think I’ll be fine. The reality at this time is that I’ve pilfered my son’s Nintendo Switch and have been playing Animal Crossings: New Horizons for the last week. Something wholesome and pure, plus really easy to play.

The one plus is that while it’s put a damper on getting Unexpected Side Trip funded, it has also allowed me to play with other stories, and it also gives me the time to actually review the script and maybe give it another go, since I’ve not touched it for several months. Being versatile has advantages in that way, but if it was a big budget Hollywood movie, I think we’d be in trouble.

On a last note about the global impact the Coronavirus is having: We’re becoming a new world, something about the way things are done is going to change. Do we continue on the path we’ve been on for so long? Or do we learn to do things better, differently, maybe more efficiently? I can’t say how we will change as a people, but I hope that it shows that we have a better side than what has shown so far. Fear has brought out the hatred, the bigotry, and this is something that needs to not happen anymore.

Take care of yourselves, and your fellow person. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

A Struggle Point After Two-Years

Last week was a crazy busy week! I had to burn the midnight oil at both ends last week. It was a week where there just weren’t enough hours to get everything done, and get the proper amount of rest in the same day. While I work a nine-at-night to a seven-in-the-morning schedule, I had other things that took my focus during the day. Monday was the day for us to get taxes done. Tuesday, after work, I had to drive, with the help of my wife, to a doctor’s appointment for my son.

Wednesday wasn’t much better, while I had taken Tuesday night off, I still had to be to work at seven-forty-five for a physical appointment. I was fortunate that my bosses let me leave half-way through my shift on Thursday night, so that I could travel to meet some one who was four hours away on Friday. As you can see, my week kept me busy.

We got to spend a few hours with someone who I had known online for about twenty-years. This lady was my first internet friend, and had been a person who had been there for me when I needed some advice. First, as a newly discovered father, who wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing. Then, as someone who had kept me sane through bouts of boredom on the slow days at work. She’s been there for me and Sarah for a long time, and for this, I love her.

This is why I hadn’t gotten anything constructive done in the content department since last week. The plus part is that I got to see my long time friend the weekend before take his first steps going towards the weight loss journey.

Now, it’s time to get to the subject at hand: two-plus-years since my surgery, and I’m struggling. I’m seemingly stuck at 265 for weight since May of last year. Yes, I’ve gotten below it, however I always seem to come back to this weight, and it’s frustrating. I’ve also seemed to have lost motivation for some of the things that I was striving to get too. I’m always struggling to keep myself positive anymore.

One thing that has struck me in the biggest way is the fact that I don’t want to promote at work anymore. I’ve decided that I need to go another way, until I can start supporting myself with the CK Project and Luckey Bom Films. I guess that I’m just tired of feeling negativity in the environment around me.

Maybe this is part of the reason I’ve been feeling that way? I know that I’ve been dealing with people and it seems that some of them just suck the positive energies out of me. This isn’t easy for me to deal with as I’ve got my own demons to deal with, and while I try to help people, I think that I might have to step away for a while and refocus.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in my own head, searching for answers that I just can’t seem to come up with. I know that the weight loss journey is worth it, and that I will over come these hurdles that are holding me down, it’s just being in my own head is the hard part. It feels that I’m searching for something more, and the problem is, I’m not sure what that “more” is. Why do I have to feel like my own worst enemy all the time?

I’ve been thinking about more about this then I should have to give the energy too. Maybe this is apart of the transition? I have a level of tolerance that’s been pushed, and the bullshit is just getting too much. Yet, at the same time, I hear that I need to have patience, and that’s not something I’m always good at. Then I find that some level of depression keeps me from going and pursuing some of my other goals. This struggle is always a back-and-forth with me.

On the positive side, at least self-harm isn’t a factor in my thought process anymore. That’s probably the biggest part of my progress that I can call a win. Suicidal ideology isn’t a laughing matter, and to have that thought process since the age of seven is a bigger tragedy. I think it’s a bigger tragedy that we have lived in a toxic society that encourages a system of worth based on a superficial check list. Poor? “You have no worth”. Fat? “You’re lazy, and have no worth”. Weird? Strange? Unpopular? I think that my point is made. This is something ingrained at a young age.

I will overcome this current mindset, I know this. It’s just somedays the light at the end of the tunnel is hard to see. Sometimes the path isn’t always the clearest, and it makes the journey hard to see. Looking back, I’ve come a long way, and this isn’t just something that I chose to do on a whim. I’ve been working on this for almost six-years, and I’ve come a long way. This is something that nobody but myself and take away from me.

I know that I won’t stop, I just struggle, and I’ve seen something that happens with many weight loss surgery patients that I know. It seems that after awhile, they get complacent and let the weight go back up. I don’t want to be one of those people. I like the way I feel, and I want to continue to improve, and I want to become the best version of myself. I think that’s a goal worthy of obtaining.

Sometimes, we can’t understand why people would lose motivation to do things. Life isn’t always kind to us. I feel that so much can happen to us in our lives that it’s not always in easy to keep up the positive vibes. Life happens, people get sick, and it takes a toll. Sometimes, you have well intentioned people who come into your life, and yet their needs tend to drain the energy from you because their issues are too much for them to control. As much as I’m all about the ninety-percent is about reactions to the situation, sometimes the persistence can chip away and eventually break someone down. Maybe this is a boundary thing that I have to set? Maybe I need to tell people that I can’t give them the “spoons” required to help feed into their troubles because it’s becoming too much for me.

I’m always an advocate for mental health, and I’m always one to show support for another person, especially in their time of need, but sometimes it gets too much. I feel guilty because it’s not something that I think that I can get continue on providing the help. The conversation is always the same, and I think that I’m at the point where I’m just done with it. Maybe stepping away from that conversation is what is needed to preserve the friendship? Maybe, it will be so offensive to the person that it ruins the friendship? I’d hate for that to happen, because I hate losing people in my life. Sometimes that’s the way it goes though. If they’re a real friend, they’ll respect that boundary though. Lord knows that I’ve been hear with people before, and while I’ve lost friends over it, I’ve been better off without them in the end.

As I write this, I’m actually feeling a bit better, which is part of the reason I started blogging in the first place. I will continue to improve myself, but the path isn’t always a smooth one, and I am a person who is constantly filled with self-doubt. I will struggle and I will have days that I fail, but it isn’t failure unless I give it up. That’s not something I plan on doing, because I spent too much time being trapped in a body that I didn’t feel like it was mine. If anyone is questioning, no, I’m not doing this because of the way anybody else might have perceived me, but I hated the feeling of not feeling in control of myself.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

The Swim

I’m out of town with a friend today with a friend who’s going in to have some tests done because he’ll be going through the gastric sleeve surgery in a couple of months. To say that I’m excited for him, is an understatement, as I know how much his life is going to change. We are standing out of town for the night as he has to be at the doctor’s office at five-thirty in the morning. I will be his ride home from his endoscopy.

We went out to dinner and decided to go for a walk to get some steps in, but the best part is when we got back to the motel, I checked out the pool. It had a warmer temperature then I was expecting, and I decided to go for a swim. Something I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned in my blogs is that I’m a fan of swimming. If there’s one activity that I love, it’s the fact that I love swimming more than anything else. I would do it all day, everyday.

I haven’t gone swimming since I had my surgery, and I was glad that I had the opportunity to do so. It was the best feeling in the world to feel my body surrounded by water. I’m someone that loves to be anywhere that my feet aren’t touching the solid ground. I love the water, and I love flying. Even though I spend my time more on the ground, any chance I get I’ll go to the water, or air.

The better part was that as I was swimming, I loved the way I felt. I felt so much stronger in the water. I haven’t felt quite like that since I was at my peak condition in the tenth grade. It felt amazing to push myself through the water and just keep going without being tired. I felt like a machine crawling through the water. I miss that feeling. It’s surprising how free I feel being in the water. I spent most of my childhood around the water. The ocean in specific. I remember going to the beaches in Okinawa as a boy and spending all day in the water.

I officially learned to swim in fourth or fifth grade, and I never went back. The pool was huge, and the diving board was high. It felt like twenty feet deep, and the board seems just as high. I jumped off that board, and I would dive have way down to depth of the pool. I don’t even know how deep or high it really was, but I loved it.

I have so many great memories surrounding a pool. I remember how I would spend most of my summer having out at the pool. I would swim and check out the girls. I remember the girlfriends that I made while hanging at the pool. I remember the girl I first fell in love with. The friendships I had made during that time.

Again, I wish I could go find a pool and swim everyday. I find peace in the water surrounding my body. It’s another way that I feel that I connect spiritually. This is something I find myself discovering more; my spirituality. I don’t really have time for organized religion, as I’ve come to question most things about it, but believing in some higher power is there, and I’m finding my connection with the spirit more and more.

To quote a friend, he once said to me,”religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell, spirituality is for those who’ve already been there.” It’s amazing how much something like that can connect with the soul. I find myself realizing that water is part of that connection between me and the spiritual world.

The experience from tonight’s swim has given me some time to reflect on the way I’ve been feeling. I feel like the water has washed over some of the doubts, and negative feelings that I’ve been having gnawing at my mind lately. The rush of the water surrounding me as I was gliding through the water felt like a baptism of renewed positivity. It was something that I didn’t know that I really needed.

I’ve been the positive person in front of people, motivating, and keeping my physical self in the process of getting better. There are other things that I’ve not been in sync with for sometime. I still struggle with my confidence. It’s gotten so much better, but there are those days that I still feel like that person who was 430 pounds. I have the days I feel fat, and unattractive. I realize that it sounds silly, but I think we all have those days.

That’s not to say that I have those days very often, but I know that it comes up during times of higher stress. There are factors both of my own design and outside that have been putting me at a slightly elevated. The positive thing is that I’m trying to take the steps that are needed to reduce those factors from influencing me. That means that when I’m successful in what direction I’m heading in, there will be some major changes coming and I have to be prepared for them to happen. Some of these changes could dramatically alter the future for my family. Some are changes that are minor, but will make me a better person for.

I’m looking forward to seeing my hard work pay off, and I welcome the journey that will get me there. It’s never really the beginning or the end that shows us the things we need to know and learn. It’s the journey that gets us there. The struggles, the times where we feel like we want to just break down and give up. I’d been there many times. I wanted to say that I’m done, what’s the use of trying. This was the way I was before I started to change. I had to fight with myself, and I had to keep fighting with myself to keep going.

It really sucks when you give into those thoughts about not being good enough. When feeling like you don’t belong. That’s something that I think the water helped me understand tonight. I needed to let go of the doubt, and just let things happen. I need to believe that I will continue to get the good things that I speak. I am worth that damn.

Life gets complex as I have been filled with these doubts, I’ve also been rewarded by seeing the positive influence that I’ve had on people around me. I would say that the influence of one or two people was good, however I’ve been seeing it more and more lately. Double digits at that, and now I’m in awe that I’ve started something that makes me happy and continues to fill me with such a great joy.

Even with the doubts and struggles, it reminds me that I’m living the best me. I shouldn’t have the doubt that I do, and I matter. I think that’s something many of us strive to have, the feeling of making a difference in the world. So far, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do, and I will continue doing it for as long as I can. Why? Because people matter to me, and seeing the struggles just makes that more cemented in my mind that I want to help make that difference.

Please, like and subscribe to my blog. It helps to remind me that I’m doing the job that I set out to do. You can follow the CK Project  podcast at https://anchor.fm/CkProject. Like and subscribe to that too. I love to know that people are paying attention. Plus it helps let other people know that someone actually pays attention, and then it just snowballs into a bigger ball, and soon I’ll be able to do more with the brand. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

I’m Not Your Door Mat

I’ve mentioned how I’ve been changing in both physically and mentally. I mean the weight loss has been obvious, and I’m navigating the new found confidence that I’ve been getting. Mentally, I’m far healthier than ever, but it’s the fact that observing the way others have treated me, is where things have gotten a bit trickier.

In the job that I do, it’s very customer service driven. I mean if you look at it, what job isn’t? Movies are the same thing. You put a story together for a specific audience, that’s why most superhero movies are rated PG-13 and more family friendly. Yes, there are exceptions, but in general, they’re geared to a family audience.

Back to the story though: the people I tend to deal with come across as both impatient and entitled. They also often times expect way more then they should, and expect us to work harder and put unnecessary tasks, that aren’t apart of our job. I was one who would get bullied for “not doing enough”, and that was were some of my depression issues manifested from.

The point that I think I should make clear is that nobody should ever be felt that they aren’t enough. Yes, there are those who we all work with that would like to do the minimum and just be there to get a pay check, but that doesn’t mean that anyone should treat you like you have less value than you do. I know at my lowest point mentally, I would allow that feeling to be validated by those people around me. When I was feeling like a burden, that kind of behavior just seemed to agree with the way I was already feeling.

That was the past though, and if anything has been shown since I started blogging, is that I won’t allow my past to define who I am. That’s something we all should need to remember that our past does not define us. Why should we let something that was a mistake be the defining factor in the definition of our lives? Everyone has a bad moment, and life should be about growth. I found that something like this is where my life needed to change.

Now getting to this point took time to develop, and lots of self-realization to get there. When I finally got to this point, I knew that I needed to change. I knew that I needed something to help me become better than I was. When I decided that I had to accept responsibility for my own actions, and that I wanted something better, growth was the only way to go.

We live in an ugly world, and the truth is that you have people who would rather put you down, and watch you lose, then see you prosper and be successful. Why is that? Why would anybody want ill-will to their fellow human? The statement, “misery loves company,” is true. People will try to bring you down to their level, just so that they can feel better about themselves. Maybe it’s just a way to stroke their ego? I have said in previous blogs that ego is the enemy to ourselves. It’s that way to self-sabotage, and I’ll even say that it leads to negativity in life.

Grow, water, nurture yourself. Maybe ego is the thing that holds you down. I know that I’ve had to deal with the complexity of low-self-esteem, and ego. I think that the ego was to overcompensation for that low-self-esteem. This has lead to so much heart ache and turmoil in some of my relationships. This was something else that fed into the negativity that I was producing in the world.

It’s just like not accepting responsibility for our own actions. I think the realization of accepting that responsibility was the first step in becoming a better person. It’s sad that I have seen this same toxic behavior in others, and watched as it’s ruined relationships and success in others. It seems to make life much harder to get through in the end.

Going back to the point of being a doormat to other people and the negativity that comes with it is this: change the way you look at yourself. I know that I have, and I know that I was in so deep with being treated a certain way, that once I started realizing that it wasn’t acceptable the way I was treated, I started to want that change. When it’s the norm, I guess we don’t realize that it’s that bad. Maybe that’s why people stay in abusive relationships? Could it be because our minds try to protect us from the traumatic horrors that can come from our lives?

I know shedding the fat like I have, feels like I got rid of layers of negativity in my life. I know that for me being fat, it was from a lifetime of negativity in my life. This comes with some odd realizations. My household had always been surrounded with a negative energy. I don’t know if it’s just now, or I don’t remember if it always been, but I think there was always that vibe in the house with my parents.  I just see it more now, as my parents have gotten older, and my mom has always had this temper about her. I just notice it more so now days that she is always yelling when something  disturbs what she’s doing. I think there might be some deeper phycological stuff to deal with there, but I don’t got the degree to analyze it.

Again, the past doesn’t define us. Whatever I had been through, and however I’ve allowed myself to be treated, the past doesn’t define me. I use that to define what I had to help make me better than I was. I use my choices to help make things better, and it helps drive me to do better. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

If you have any questions or comments that you don’t want to post on here, you’re more then welcome to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com

 

 

 

Haters Gonna Drink That Haterade

So my journey has gone fairly smoothly so far. I’ve had so much positive reactions to it, though I’ve had a few haters in the background. The good part of that was that until recently non of that feedback was spoken to my face. Maybe this was because someone was too afraid that I would react poorly to their comments? Who knows? In truth, I don’t really care.

So, I finally got my first naysayer on Facebook, by someone casting doubt on my results in one of the groups I’m a member of. The fact that someone doubted me, I could’ve handled a number of ways. I could have been petty and insulted this person for judging me without knowing my story. I could have let it tear me down, and make everything feel like a waste. However, I actually didn’t respond, and I had people who’ve witnessed my transformation actually take up the mantle and come to my defense.

I have the fortune to have traveled this path and find the most amazing and supportive people during this time. I want to think that my honestly and integrity is what helped me connect with these people. Maybe the fact that I’m not an asshole about my journey is part of the appeal? I’m trying my best to stay humble, and think that people are inspired by my work has caused me to find a purpose in my life. It causes me to want to do better.

All-the-while, I won’t lie and say that it wasn’t part of any plan. I always hoped that the way I handled things would be used as a tool to inspire others to improve themselves. That was something I did when I started any part of my self-improvement journey. All the way back when I started the CK Project, I just felt that it had to evolve when I was going through different stages in my life.

I used it as a way to keep myself accountable to myself and others, but as I had gone into a depressive state, it became part of my mental health, and the healing process. This was the point where I figured that people could see my struggles, and maybe be inspired by the fact that I didn’t let those negative thoughts end a life that had so much more potential than I would have ever expect at the time.

It’s amazing how that being in a mentally dark place can cause you too loose all sense of self-worth. I felt like the world would be a better place without me, and that I wasn’t as important as I am, or is it I must be? I’m not trying to brag, or sound egotistical, but I’ve found that I do have value in this world, and that if I were to disappear I would be missed.

Yes, I know that my family would miss me, that’s more obvious than you might think I realize. I do understand the value that I bring to them. As of the conversations that I’ve had over the last few years, and even people I talk to on a constant basis, I have discovered that there are people who put more value into who I am, than I ever would have expected.

This comes from people who have said they consider me their best friend. I’m humbled by this because some of these people I don’t feel that I did anything more particular then just listen without judgement and treat them decently. To be honest, those who are the one’s that I consider my best friends, I’m an asshole to. I love them, but I also give them so much shit and about everything. At the same time, I would have their backs through fire and brimstone.

Again, this comes at when is the appropriate time to be that way, and when to be serious. Part of the consequences, or blessings of being apart of that circle is that I’m gonna give it to them honestly, and it’s not always something other’s understand.

An example is, I have a friend whom I’ll call Sexy Beast. If he reads this, then he’ll know that I’m calling him out on something. Those who know my group might know this nickname, so then you can also know that I’m gonna call him out on something as well. As one of my oldest and closest friends, who’s seen be through two marriages, knows full-well that as I love him like a brother, I’m gonna call him on his bullshit. He’s dealing with diabetes, and his blood sugar has been high, more often than not. So, where is the calling out on his crap?

So, people on his Facebook give him words of encouragement, and hey I’m the first to say that I’m in his corner, as I’ve inspired him to get healthier. Look at his page and you’ll see it for yourself. However, I know that he’s eating poorly, and drinking alcohol, so that’s why his blood sugar is so high. My response, because I know what he’s doing is to stop fucking up. He knows better, and I wouldn’t be so harsh if I didn’t care. Sometimes, that brutal dose of reality, is what people need. I don’t want his funeral to be the next that I go too. My children love him like an uncle, and I’ve had to deal with the loss of too many of my peers over the last few years.

I guess in that way, to the outside observer, it would look like maybe I’m being the hater in that situation. The truth is, I care. Sometimes I care far more than I should, because I’ve been through the heart break of disappointment by someone I loved, and couldn’t help. The people who’ve I’ve had a lasting impact on their lives, and have left the same on me, I care about. I love them and want nothing but the best for them.

I think part of the hardest thing that I deal with is watching people hate on others. I know some of the reasons, and I can see where that might cause some discontent, but it comes down to people not knowing the whole story.

Remember the blog about the moms? How people give the nasty, judgmental looks towards misbehaving kids? Usually it’s from not knowing that the child could have behavioral issues. My fellow parent’s of autistic children, understand.

I know that it’s so easy to tear people down, when things are different than social standards. I know it’s easy to destroy something because of some insecurity issues. Think of what could be accomplished? Maybe people would feel less shitty about themselves? It’s okay to share in someone else’s success. You might not realize it, but that support could just be one of the things that helps make someone be better than they are.

The worst thing any of us can do is feed into the negativity that surrounds so much of this cynical world. We can continue to hate and tear everyone down, but why? Because of fear? Why, because of hate? To quote a little green man: Fear leads to hate, hate leads to suffering… Haven’t we all suffered enough from the world around us? Haven’t we had enough of this selfishness to last a life time? Let’s build something bigger and better for our children’s children.

I hate hearing about eight-year-olds taking their lives, because society makes them feel a certain way. I had been there once, and it’s a fear that I’ve had about my own children. It’s hard to see them go through similar situations, helplessly watching, knowing that you can’t do anything to really make it better.

This is the director, and I think I’ll step off the soapbox for tonight, and call the martini shot, because that’s a wrap.

A Change Of Perspective

Going through this weight loss journey has, taken some very unexpected turns. Physically I feel so much better. The way smaller clothes fit, the way I can move. These are the things that have been rewarding me in my everyday life. I keep going, even if there are times I don’t feel like it.

Some days, my motivation is better than other days. Usually getting my 10,000-plus-steps is where my focus usually is. I keep this up as a way to guide myself on the right path. I find that if I rest too long between my exercise and my walking, my movement becomes stiff. Once I get to working on my steps, the walking starts getting easier as I continue.

I find the recovery period has gotten way shorter between my exercise. There would be times that I would workout to fatigue and be sore for days after. Now, it maybe a day or two at the most. Changing up the exercises, and doing the kind of workouts that I do now, are a bit different, because they get into the deeper fibers of my muscle tissue.

As the physical aspect goes, it’s caused me to enjoy exercise even more. It’s not the effort that it once was. The only thing that I find myself dealing with is where I am mentally, because the fat person in me still tells me that I can’t do things. That’s part of where I still struggle.

My perspective on things have changed. I find that I’m confused about how I let people treat me most of my life. In return, I also know that I’ve not always treated people the best either. As a person with a sense of humor, I noticed that I would be mean and nasty with my joking around. I don’t think that I ever really meant any harm by it, but maybe that’s because of the way people used to joke with me?

I know that people have made fun of me, even as an adult. The only difference now is that much of what is said of me, isn’t too my face, and I get that information second hand. It doesn’t bother me because I don’t think people  have really said anything truly cleaver and hurtful enough to bother me. This is coming from the person who’s been made fun of his whole life.

So, how does one deal with a life that is rapidly changing? I’m changing as a person, my family is changing. My oldest daughter is an adult now and is starting to learn about the responsibility of being an adult. My wife is still learning to deal with her Crohn’s Disease.  That dynamic, has put some interesting situations on our relationship. She’s always been the strong, supportive type, and now I find that I have to be the strong one. I’ve always tried to be supportive, however I’m not sure that I’ve been the proper support that I should be.

Now, that puts me in a position to figure out how I can be that proper support. I’m more determined to be the best version of me, but I’m not always sure that means that I’ve been the best version for my family. How do I figure out how I need to be? It’s not always easy to figure out.

I’m always supportive to people who need it. Yet, I find it difficult to be that cheerleader and support that my family needs. I’m not even sure why that is. I do try to be there, but am I really being as receptive as I can be? I find that dealing with people who aren’t as close to me are easier to relate too. It sounds a bit weird, doesn’t it?

Something that I’ve been observing even more is the fact that by my helping other people, I’ve not had to deal with my own issues at times. That’s not saying that I have too many issues that seem to be bothering me, but helping others has always seemed to be the way to divert away from my own issues.

I’m not sure if the way I connect with others has just been better by a more sincere form of talking, or if it’s something else? I do notice that I’ve been getting a bit more irritated by the fact that people seem to try and take advantage of my kindness, even if it wasn’t intentional. I just know that I’m feeling that people should realize that their actions do happen to unintentionally put more responsibility on my job than it should be.

The on-the-spot-high-point of my perspective changing is the fact that I’m more determined to better life for my family and myself. I’ve been pushing forward with my brands, and things are really starting to pick up. We’ve got so much going on for all three brands that I barely have time to keep still. This is a great feeling, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m hoping that it will finally be the year that things start to really pay-off. I’ve poured so much energy into everything that I can’t wait to see how the fruits of my labor are going to pay off.

Anyway, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The People Connection

On my vacation, I’ve realized that I’ve had a bit of a real writing block, however I do want to talk about the people that we connect with on a daily basis. Maybe a spouse, children, just society in general even. I feel a certain connection with people on different levels with the different things that I do.

As it is known, the CK Project is probably the biggest thing that I connect to people with. I mean my weight loss journey is something that people have taken notice of. As a matter of fact, I find people who I don’t even know have been watching the journey. I was able to go to a class that my trainer Sam teaches about Wrestling and Grappling and one of the parents there told me that they had been keeping up with my journey on Facebook and said that I was an inspiration. While it’s not the first time that I’ve heard that being said. It feels as good as the first time I heard it.

I feel humbled that people are watching me. I know that I’ve got friends who are supportive, but to meet random, and complete strangers say that is awe inspiring. I hope that the mental health aspect will help people as well. The subject of mental health is still considered an uncomfortable subject for most people, so maybe those people aren’t as quick to speak up? I’m here and what to know that it’s helping someone in that way.

The physical health aspect of things have also helped me connect with even more people though. I’m in touch with people that I would have never thought I would become friends with. I find that my networking is taking me to connect with people over in the United Kingdom, as that wasn’t something I would have ever expected. It’s cool that I’m meeting people with such diverse cultures and backgrounds. The beautiful part is that we are all there to help support each other.

If you’ve been following along for a while, then the words that film school was the best decision of my life. It’s true, not only did it give me a purpose in life, but it also has helped me connect even more with people. I’ve found friends in the filmmaking community, who’ve become supportive of not only my filmmaking goals, but some have even shown the support in my weight loss journey as well. These people are amazing talents, and I look forward to working with each of them at some point in the future.

I feel that the creative process that I’ve gone through with my filmmaking has bounded myself with the people I work with. It’s defiantly a different kind of connection, as those I’ve been friends with before hand have been pushed within their own creations. My buddy Curtis is a talented musician, and was a hard worker when we were doing Nash Gray(2017). Not only did he play Benny, but he constantly worked with me behind the scenes doing whatever I needed. I’ve also asked for him to write me a song for an upcoming project, Unexpected Side Trip, and I’m not going to lie, it’s really good. He told me that he hates that I can push him to reach uncomfortable spots to bring out some emotions, but I think that’s something that makes us better creators in the end. Going to those emotions that we don’t like.

Being a geek about different things has always giving me a connection to others. I remember that the first instances of this was when it came to professional wrestling. Now, it comes down to comic books and movies. It’s amazing how I connect with complete strangers in that way. I have those kinds of interactions with the people I deal with at work as well. The fellowship at comic book conventions is always wonderful.

Going back to the CK Project though, I’ve noticed that there is a strong support for those dealing with mental health issues as it is. While it is considered “taboo” in society at general, once your story is spoken, it becomes easier to talk about. Others open up about their struggles as well, and that’s where the connection comes in. The mind is powerful, and it can be our greatest asset, but at the same time anxiety and depression can become our greatest foe.

The key to remember is that we’re survivors. Some people want to paint it as those of us who have suffered from suicidal tendencies, just want the attention. In my own experience, it was just that I needed help and I wasn’t sure how to get it. I think the connection to another person is something that is needed by most. That might also be why loners are usually targeted as being strange, maybe?

I love connecting with people. I’ve even connected with different social groups that I wouldn’t have ever expected. I used to have friends in the various groups and not really fit in with a particular group. That’s how I felt at least. I think that the weight loss journey and mental health groups are the place I have found the most value in.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

 

Brain Matter on my Mind

Whether it’s the weight loss journey or mental health awareness, I find that the brain can trick the body into feeling something that’s not always there. I find that my brain wants to tell me that it’s time to eat, and that if I don’t actually take a moment to really analyze the situation, I might not really be hungry.

I find that if I get left alone in my thoughts for too long, I can start to over think, and self-doubt comes into play. This is one of my bigger weaknesses, as depression has always been there. It’s not nearly as bad as it used to be, however, I can still sense it at the outer edges lingering and giving me a moment to pause.

I suppose that’s why I try to stay constantly busy. This way I don’t have to give my mind to start lingering on stupid insecurities, and anxiety. I find that multi-tasking comes easy when I can listen to a conversation, and still type. This actually drives my family crazy as I can look at them and work on a blog at the same time.

The endorphins from exercising is an anti-depressant, and I know that if I take too long between my workouts, that I start getting depressed too. If more people knew, and I mean really knew about this little life hack, I’m sure everyone who suffers from depression would be in shape(joking).

It’s strange to realize how much the body and mind end up reflecting each other. I know at my biggest, my mind was in a terrible state, and I hated myself. Having the Gastric Sleeve sent me down a path that I never expected. I connect with people better, and it wasn’t like I was ever someone who would treat people negatively in the first place, but I seem to relate better to others, and myself.

It’s also helped me to realize my ambition, while most people spend their lives developing a brand that represents them, I’ve gone so far as working on three. The CK Project is probably where my legacy will be. As I’ve been making some great progress with it over the last year or so. It’s not surprising as this is my oldest and longest running of the brands. It all started as a way to hold myself accountable to others when I originally started my weight loss journey with Weight Watchers, eight-years ago.

It’s amazing that The CK Project went from weight loss, to mental health, and back to being both. It’s come full circle and I love it. We’re making plans on turning it into something bigger and better. Hell, we’re looking to make this go more professional, and can’t wait to let out the details. Speaking of growth, the experiences that I’ve had in the name of the project, has given me growth both personally and professionally. Things that I can carry unto other jobs that I may take in the future.

Another mind opening realization is that experience is the best teacher. I find that talking about my issues, has allowed me to regain control of my life. The more I talk about struggling with my mental health, the less power it has over my decisions in life. I find that I need to do better about pushing myself  when exercising. My mind still wants to tell me that I’m 430 pounds. I know I have issues with lunges and falling backwards.

I’m finding that inner strength that I have. I kept things quiet for so long, and it’s like I’m finally finding that voice to start the process to going Super Sayian. I have a ways to go, but it does help me push for those extra reps. Also, I’m afraid to push myself so hard that I want to puke when I work out. So, does that mean I’m not pushing myself hard enough?

I guess having a negative mindset for so long, really has done me some harm, and I hope that it’s not irreparable. The mind is fascinating, and is the most powerful tool in any person’s tool belt for improvement. At the sometime, if you don’t treat it well, or if you don’t get help to tune it up, it can do damage that might never be repairable. Keep that in mind when venturing on this journey of life.

Self-care is more important than most people want give the focus too. This is coming from my professional view point. Often time, mental health is considered taboo, and no-one is comfortable about sharing their feelings. Toxic masculinity has kept the man’s man, cold and hard of feelings. Yet, things are improving, people are becoming more woke to the issues at hand. I believe that it’s over all for the better, yet I think we’ve lost some things in a world of political correctness.

With political correctness, I feel that people have forgotten how to laugh. We’re no longer given the permission to laugh because of a joke, and people seem to get more offended now than ever. Maybe, it’s more that it’s not as easy to keep quiet these days? Where is the proper balance in-between the truth and satire? Can we laugh at the wrong things, and not be judged. Maybe that’s why Cards Against Humanity is such a popular game? I know where my humor is, and it’s got some dark places at times.

Anyway, keep a clear, focused mind, because it’s the one asset we have to help us get through life. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Lose And Gain

So, it’s been a while since I’ve done the official “weight-loss” update. Here goes; I gained four pounds. Yep, that’s the official update, I’m back up to 264 pounds. I’m not even mad, I knew the plateau’s and the weight gains would just all be apart of the process. So remember that!

You see the commercials on television and in print ads that someone can help you drop all the weight you want by a pill or a drink, with minimal work. It doesn’t work that way, ever. The truth is that while you will drop the weight, there will be times that you level out, and even gain some. Remember that it’s just part of the journey, and I know that’s the part that people hate.

It’s the plateau’s and the gains that cause most people to quit. I mean who wants to see the number stick or go up? We didn’t get into losing weight to see the momentum go anywhere but down? I gained five pounds, and I’ve worked so hard not to gain, what kind of bullshit is this?

I remember the first time I plateau’d after my surgery, God it was frustrating! Man it was the longest time before I dropped weight again(actually it was like three weeks). I don’t think I got mad at myself, but it was disappointing. Yet, I knew even then that it was part of the process, but after seeing my first hundred pounds just melt off, it sucked.

I think some habits have also snuck back into my life, especially since I’ve been in a bit of a stressful situation. I still have a win because one, I’m aware of it, and two, I’m still staying active. I’m going to overcome this situation. This is just another bump in the road that I have to overcome.

Mentally, I’ve been a bit down, but nothing too discouraging to know that I can’t overcome it. The mind is your most powerful weapon that you have. If you believe, then you can achieve. I know that my mind tells me that I can’t do things, like lunges. It doesn’t let me do lunges, and it makes me feel afraid that I’ll injure my knee. I don’t ever recall injuring my knee that way, but it makes it hard for me to go down without some sort of support. If I use a chair, then I know that I can do it.

On the positive side, I’ve been learning about various exercises from the Men’s Health Magazine, Twitter page. One of the exercises, that I’m excited about is the Mt. Climber, I’ve seen it done, but I realized that when I’ve done it before, I didn’t have the proper form for doing it. Another exercise is called the Halo. It’s an exercise that can use either a dumbbell or a kettlebell and it works the shoulders. This one excites me because it hits the shoulders from several angles. A third exercise that I’ve seen on video from Twitter is called a pike press. Modified, I think it would be a good exercise for me to do a shoulder press.

Another thing that I can say that is on the positive side, is that I’ve been looking into what kind of mindset an entrepreneur should have. I know that it’s going to take time, and a massive amount of hard work, but I will get there. I also know that I’m pushing for “maximum effort” because while one brand, or business is a full-time job, I have three that I’m working on.

With that, this is where things get a bit more convoluted, the CK Project is my oldest and most popular of my brands.  It’s great because I find that it’s the easiest to give most of my attention too. I support the fact that I get to help others with mental and physical guidance. This is what helped me become a happier person, and the privilege to help others has been fulfilling.

The birth of The Geekultural Experience actually spun-off of a group that I helped create called The Geeks of the IWV.  The group was formed as a way to help my friend cope with the death of her son, and it’s done fairly well. While The Geekultural Experience started on Facebook, it seems to have a better following on Twitter. I find that I get the news on Twitter so much easier more readily than Facebook.

While I enjoy my these brands and they fill a very different aspect of my life, the one I’m most looking forward to picking up is my film company, Luckey Bom Films. It’s more because I would love to have them all to be more equal then they are, but I’m sure this will get there at some point. It’s hard trying to keep things sorted out, and each get more attention, at different times when the focus can shift to what’s taking the more precedence at the time.

What would you like to see me talk about? Is there anything you think could help take my brands to another level? Leave a comment, and let’s start a dialogue, I’d love to interact and get feed back on the things I’m doing. After all, criticism is just a tool for improvement. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Helping Others Through The Journey

Through Facebook, I’ve made several contacts in the Gastric Sleeve support groups. Through Twitter, I’ve made several contacts in the weight loss journey. It’s not only nice to network through these, as we all have common goals, and interests, but it’s a great feeling to be able to provide guidance throughout the process. It’s even better when you can bask in their successes with them.

I’ve recently befriended someone who doesn’t feel like she’s got the best support system at home, so  I’ve offered to be her support system. I can only imagine what it would be like to go through this process without the support that’s needed to get there. I’ve been more than abundantly blessed with the people I surround myself with. I attribute it to the kindness and charisma that I present.

That means, that treating others the way you would want to be treated is kind of a key rule if you want to get that support system that is needed. Do unto others and all that kind of philosophy in life. I can attribute that as how I live, and it’s done me well so far.

This brings up something else I’ve been trying to accomplish; being the support system people need. I’m aware that not everyone has the support they need, but I’m here to say that if it’s needed, reach out. I’ll be that cheerleader, I’ll be that guide. Everybody needs a safe place to turn when things seem bleak, or when things don’t seem right.

While I’ve felt like I’ve slacked off a bit, I’m continuing my journey, and I’m keeping up with what I’m supposed to do. I know that I’ve always been in my head about things, and I think that might be what keeps me going in the right direction. I feel that keeping mindful, does help me to know what I need to work on. This is something that I didn’t quite have in the past.

At the same time, I have the never ending battle within myself that wants to do the opposite. There hasn’t been times that I’ve wanted to give up, and I think that’s a check-mark in the right direction. My clothes are telling me that I’m doing the right thing as they seem to be getting bigger on me as well.

This isn’t a journey that’s ever going to stop. It’ll evolve, it’ll grow, but it will never stop. It’s also a journey that’s lead to other journey’s. The biggest fact on my weight loss journey is that it took a cross path to a mental health awareness. Mental health has been something I’ve dealt with just as long as my weight. The only difference is that I didn’t have the resources to deal with my depression.

All this experience, is available to those who ask for it. I’m willing to share, and if it’s something that personally can’t give an answer for, then I’ll do my damnedest to help find the right direction to go for those answers. I do have a friend in the phycological profession that I turn too for finding resources at times. She’s been a good friend for years, and I adore her company.

This is a world that would benefit if we all would be kinder and willing to help get through our struggles. However, there are negative energies in society that would rather watch the suffering and pain of others. It’s sad that greed and pettiness tend to dominate the world around us. While individuals are starting to get “woke” to what’s going on around them, progress is slow and it’s going to take time before we get to the state where we’ve evolved enough to realize how silly greed and pettiness are.

Yet for the sake of transparency, I have these brands that I strongly support. The CK Project  seems to be my more popular one, and I have merchandise for sale. The goal is for the hope that my experience can help make me some money and help support the movement, and support my family. I would love for this to be my full-time job. I would hope that this would one day be one of my main focuses, aside from Luckey Bom Films, and The Geekultural Experience. 

So, if you find that you support my message, and that my experiences have helped, please take a look at: https://teespring.com/stores/the-ck-project. Not only is this a way to represent the CK Project, but it helps get things moving in a better direction for us to keep going, and becoming more independent. It’ll allow us more time to dedicate to the movement, and other projects that we’re involved in. Also, don’t forget that we have a podcast, that we’re working on providing a weekly show at: anchor.fm/CkProject/. This podcast is available on seven different listening platforms.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.