Live in the Present

I was surfing through Youtube the other day, and something about it just stuck with me. He said living in the past causes depression and that looking to the future causes anxiety. Mind you that this video was about the lost testaments of Jesus, and my love of theology and mythology gets my curiosity from time to time so I watched. It talked about living in the present, and as I went out for my walk after watching the video, that kept going through my head.

I’ve been doing a lot of watching Youtube, trying to pick up new things and learning to brush up and learn new techniques in filmmaking. Yet, something about that video caused me to think profoundly about that idea about living in the present. Depression being linked to the past for some reason hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I hate having to admit that I’ve dwelt on the past for too long most of my life, but putting something like this in a new perspective has really put me in a reflective mood. There’s things that I hate about my past, as well as things that I love. It’s interesting to think about, isn’t it?

I also got into thinking about how anxiety was applied to my life. I remember that I would get anxious when I would start thinking about going to work after the weekend was over. Anxiety is future, depression is past, and it’s crazy how it just seems to make sense to me. With that being said, I’ve been trying to live more in the present since watching that video, and I can honestly say that I seem happier with myself. It could be that I’ve found a new job, and that a new adventure is underway as well. Who knows?

To say that things don’t bother me while living in the present wouldn’t be truthful, there are things going on in my life that are a bit out of my control, however I just try to keep that positive mindset and keep trucking along. I think with any journey that gets undertaken, for example, the mental health journey, the weight loss journey, marriage, the key to being successful in anything you do has to be with mindset.

Let’s face it, we’ve all faltered at some point or another, and have made excuses as to why we failed. I find myself doing it, but not nearly as bad as I used to. I find myself trying to keep myself in check and remind myself to keep going on the right path. The weight loss journey hasn’t been easy, and I know that losing the momentum last year is just now starting to be over come.

An example of over coming the loss of the momentum I had is that I’m pushing myself harder, and I’m finding myself getting into a situation that will keep me motivated. I’ll also admit that I constantly have to remind myself that I don’t want to end up in the spot I had been four years ago. Living uncomfortable in you body has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world. You start to question how you got there, and why do I feel a certain way? I know that I’ve talked about the fact that when I was out of control and at my heaviest, that it constantly felt like an out of body experience. When I looked in the mirror it was like looking at a stranger.

I know that it’s a repeat of things I’ve said before. The fact remains that blogging had been the most therapeutic thing that I could have ever decide to do. It also helped me work on a skill that has made me a better writer for other aspects in my life. I feel like an example of that it’s never too late to get your act together and live your best life. I just wish that I wouldn’t have been as scared when I was younger, I wonder where I would have been had I gone to film school much sooner. Would I have wanted to be my own creator in the business? Would I have made something more of myself in the industry? Would I have all the amazing people in my life today that I do?

I believe that we are all on the path that we’re meant to be on in life. That’s why living in the present is so important, while I could go on with the what ifs, I’m happy where I’m at now. I have an amazing group of people who chose to share in my dream of creating content. It’s made me a better person, and it’s made them better people. I’ve been able to help give people a lift and feel better about themselves. I know that things happen in the time they’re supposed to.

I’m not that same person I was in 2005 when I saw Sin City(2005), there was a shit ton of baggage that I wasn’t even aware of at the time, guiding my decisions. I had not matured to the point that I needed to have the drive or the focus that I’ve been developing the last several years. It took me to be in my thirties before I even got the clue that I needed help, and I needed something more to find myself. Self improvement isn’t easy. Looking at one’s own faults is the hardest thing to do.

Too many times do I see that people want to put the blame somewhere else than themselves. Too many times I see how people can be hypocritical about life. We see the double standard that seems to run society. It is disgusting, and shameful. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. I’ve told my children to, “do as I say, not as I do.” I realize that it’s not effective parenting in the least.

We all need to start living more in the present. There might be something to that. Maybe people won’t struggle so much with past mistakes. Maybe we wouldn’t be so hung up on regrets? As a person who’s had the gastric sleeve done, I paid attention to the support groups, and I’ve seen people come up with regret. Some because they thought it was just going to be the easy way out. Some don’t like the way they look with all that saggy skin. It’s hard to see people struggle with these issues. At least they’ve given themselves a fighting chance to live longer, and more fulfilling lives. I guess not everyone can see that.

Which brings me back to the point of mindset. We think, we believe, and we can achieve. Positive mindsets, breed positive attitudes. I’ve been around some people who are so salty that that can’t seem to find positivity in anything. Unfortunately negative energies are easy to influence people around them. I remember being in a bad mood, just because someone was just negative about everything. That sad part is that it wasn’t that long ago that I was feeling that way most days. This is coming from someone who’s made a habit out of finding the silver lining in most situations. Covid-19? Stay-at-home-orders? Yeah, I said it was just a good opportunity to pay off some bills. I know that it’s not been like that for everyone, and that there’s been many who’ve had to stay home because of this. I think the best way to have dealt with it was that maybe getting those honey-do-lists done, or maybe pick up a new skill? Could work on that hobby that had been nagging in someone’s mind for sometime.

Now, I’m stepping away from the blog for a moment to ask you, the reader, a few questions. I’ve been doing this for the good part of five years now, and I want to know what it is that you like about my blogs? What do you hate? Do you think that I’m full of shit? How can I make it better? I want more interaction because I’ve had people tell me that they read, and that they follow the things I do. If this is your first time checking out the CK Project blog, give me a subscribe and become part of a bigger conversation.

With that being said, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

When It’s Out of Your Control

Ten-percent, is the things that happens that’s out of your control. ninety-percent is how you react to it. This is something that I’ve mentioned several times over in the previous blogs in the past. With that, I’ve been pretty good about navigating life that way. It tends to work, and help keep the mindset in a good view on life. However, what happens when that ten-percent starts to push the bounds of comfortability?

Frustration has been something that has been going on with me for the last week or so. Is it because I’m having to depend on communications and technology from various areas, that aren’t immediately within my grasp. Anxiety of depending on things that I can’t control has been something I’ve really been feeling the last few days. I’ve also said before that technology can be great, yet there are times that I absolutely loathe society’s dependence on it. I think it’s funny because technology has made filmmaking even more cost effective than ever before.

I guess that the anxiety comes in because of the unknown. It’s common that people would get anxious during situations of uncertainty. It’s taken my focus and put me off track on things that are important for me. Regret can come from decisions that were made. I’m not trying to go there though, because in the end, I feel that I made the right choice. Though in hindsight I could have been a bit more patient before making the choice I made, yet here I am. I know that things will work out. I just need to take that frustration and anxiety, and turn it into patience.

The pressure is still there, especially when taking on responsibility. I worry about the fact that the choice I made could damper if my family is supported. Now, in the end I’m sure everything is going to be okay, but that unknown still puts me on edge. It just shows that I like to be an adult and take on those responsibilities that come from both being one, and being a parent. I strongly feel that where the anxiety comes in, when feeling like being a failure at either one.

One the bright side of the struggle is that once you get past the point and are guaranteed to make it through, the relief and piece of mind are well worth it in the end. So, what happens to those who don’t get to that point? What about those who fall down on “their luck”? These are often the people we see on the side of the road, holding up the Will work for money signs. What do we do about them? I think this is were things get tricky, because some become dependent on drugs as a way to cope with the hard times in life. There are those who also find it as a way to beat the system and take advantage of people’s good hearts. I’ve been in the situation where I’ve given money to those in need, and I’ve also ignored those who’ve been in need.

I’ve recently been put in that situation, and I’ve lost someone because of how I run my principles in life. I take care of me and mine first. If I’m unsure if they’ll be provided for, then I won’t help others. It may even sound harsher than I’m intending it too, but with the shift going on in my life, I wasn’t sure when the next pay check was coming, and I was told by someone that I didn’t really care about them. That’s the furthest thing from the truth, and it hurt. I just know that I’ve got to think of those I’m responsible for.

Anxiety and frustration are hard to control because life can get complicated. One of the things that I’ve learned is that there’s not always a right or wrong answer, the path isn’t always clear. It’s only the consequences of the decisions that we make. I realize that putting it that way makes it sound bad, but it’s just the end result. By my saying no to someone that I care about, because I’m taking care of my responsibilities, I may have lost that person in my life. I can continue on and do the best I can, hoping that person will understand and come back, or I can let it eat me up.

That’s something that I’ve had a bad habit of doing in my life though. I would let even the littlest of things eat me up. I’ve let too many negative situations and people live rent free in my head for so long. Is this something that’s a common occurrence with others? How do we over come such things? I think the answer is in forgiving, both ourselves and those who’ve hurt us. All any of us can do is try and be the best version of ourselves, and try and make the best decisions that we can. Does it always work? No. Some people tend to have self-destructive natures, and making bad decisions can have a certain appeal. It feels like an adrenaline junkie: Will I get caught? How long can I get this feeling to last.

This also brings up a point that I’ve stated in the past, we are our own worst enemies. I know that when anxiety, or depression come along, that’s when I’m not at my best. I start looking for some sort of validation, and continue to seek it. Strangely enough, usually they will follow each other. I remember times when I was working night shift hours, the anxiety of not being able to keep busy with conversation would start getting me to think about my depression. There would be times that just thinking about the dark places that I’ve been, would give me anxiety. It’s funny that I’ve noticed things in life tend to go in a vicious circle. Maybe there’s more than one reason it’s called the circle of life?

I’m not religious by any means. I consider myself spiritual because I do believe that there is a higher power. I hear my old, boxer friend, Philip in my head when he would tell religion is for those afraid of going to hell, spiritual is for those who’ve already been. Well, I’ve been there, and I think those who deal with some form of mental health issues have been there. PTSD, trauma, depression, addiction, these are all various versions of hell. Sometimes those demon’s win, which results in death. Losing a loved one in these situations is never easy.

Being one who’ve been on the brink of harming myself like that, a bit of an insider view is this: the better alternative isn’t always something that’s thought about. That’s not even an option on the table when going through some of those hard times. Yet, being strong enough to survive, and being able to find the help to deal with the issues can give a better outlook on life. It’s all about the mind, body, and spirit, when they are aligned, things flow better. Working out is a natural version anti-depressant. It helps the mind focus, and for some, it’s like a religion. Just something to think about, when getting into a negative mindset.

Patience is something that has been difficult for me to come by at times. I’ve not had much anxiety in the past few years because of that ninety-percent of how I handled it would be to try and keep positive through things. Do you have any suggestions on handling anxiety? Hit me up at ckproject@zohomail.com. Leave me a message or comment down below, and let’s get this conversation started. Don’t forget to subscribe to get the latest blogs when I write them. All any of us can do is to better ourselves, improve the way we treat each other, and hopefully leave the world a better place than when we got here.

I look forward to hearing from you, and hope that we can build a community and lift each other up. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

New Chapter, New Page

Funny thing is this; I started a blog on the third of January, and I wasn’t able to finish. It was going to talk about the continuation of the shit storm that was 2020. New year, and no reset. That’s not what this particular blog is going to be all about. It’s about how life can rapidly change, and the experience of what that change can be like. I want to state that after thirteen-years being involved with security, I’ve gotten an opportunity to change career fields and I’m both excited, and anxious for what the future holds.

This year, I’ve seen many people struggle with what life has been dealing with them. An example: I have friends who’ve been hospitalized due to complications of Covid-19. It’s rough to see them struggle with this and I hope for the best for them, because losing people I see how serious this can be. I’ve seen people who haven’t believed in the virus, change their minds after actually getting it. Wait…wasn’t I supposed to be talking about something new and exciting? I’m heading in that direction I promise.

With these rough things going on, I think that we’re gonna be getting through this soon, and things will look up. Keep that silver lining in mind through a couple more months. Now, on to the point I was going to get too.

Life has been going at a rapid fire pace over the last several months. My daughter, Autumn had gotten sick, but she made it. I’m feeling fortunate because of that. I had tried to roll with everything going on, and I thought I did pretty well. A few close calls with Covid-19 sure, but I survived. I also gained some weight over the last year, because the consistency of my workouts had gone out the window. I’m back and determined to head in the right direction once again. Focus is the thing I felt that I lacked for a minute. Again…I’m back, and I’m going to be better than ever.

So, in a slight review of the highlights of last year, I got a pay raise, I lost my maternal mother, my dog, and my ex-wife. If you would have asked me right before Christmas, I would have not had any idea where things were going to head in life. The day after Christmas, I applied for a job, and heard back just two-days later. Now I have the job that I’ll be starting at the end of the month.

Let’s take a minute and talk about signs. You know how they say that God works in mysterious ways? That He will give you signs when his work is to be done? Or maybe fate pulls us in a certain direction? This happened to me. I’m a spiritual person, and I will admit that I shun organized religion. I have many friends and family members that do go to their church, and I’m a supporter of anyone who has a strong belief system. With that said, for almost a week, I kept getting this job popping up in my e-mail, and I figured that I would apply for it at the end of the week. Sign one through how many notices I got. Then I had a former co-worker text me about the job, and he told me to apply. I applied a few days later, and I’m so happy with the results of the response.

I had gotten a quick response, then was asked about having an interview. I agreed that we could talk that Monday morning, and while I was in the shower, I got the call. To be honest, it didn’t even really feel like an interview, but the contact told me that she would get a hold of me sometime after the new year.

The next week, I called her back, because I wanted to keep the momentum up on the positive feelings I was having. With that a few days later I had gotten my job offer, and I had to get a few things together so we could proceed with the hiring process. It’s crazy how fast this all went, and a strange feeling had come over me. I was nervous and my body was shaking. It wasn’t bad, just a huge realization that my life was going to change in a big way. That Thursday, I put in my notice that I would only be with the company I worked for, two more weeks.

So, I should back track and say that I had another sign happen while I was deciding if I was ready to be done with my current job. I had been changing out of my uniform when my badge had popped off, and broke. This put me in a realization that my job of thirteen years was finally coming to an end. That next day, I put in my resignation letter.

With that I decided to use the remainder of my leave before I started my new job. I was going to take the last two-weeks off. So far it’s been going well. I’ve been able to realize the stress and anxiety that I had been feeling about things.

So, a couple of days ago was Monday. It was my forty-second birthday, and for my birthday I turned in all my gear, and I’ve had mixed feeling about it. I was sad to go, because it had been the place I had called home for so long. I’d had many ups and down. I’ve made friends and connections that I’ll value for the rest of my life. Now, I’m getting prepared for that next step in life.

One thing that I realized is that the job I did for so long, is that I’ll be viewing it from a different perspective. I’m nervous because it’s a new experience, but I’m hungry for the challenge, and not wearing a uniform has a certain appeal. Not having to shave everyday has an even bigger appeal. I’m currently growing a beard, just to grow one.

I’m looking forward to a new and better schedule, while swing shift was the best hours for the former job. Ten-hours made for a long shift, and Thirteen was even longer when I started so long ago. Now, I’ll be able to take a lunch, now I’ll be able to be home in the evenings, while not having to get up at four-in-the-morning. I should say, at least I hope. I’m still finding myself getting the information that I need to actually start, and I’m gonna kick it and do the extra stuff I’ve been meaning to do before then. It’s like hitting a reset button.

So, I’m a creative individual, and unless I was tucked away from everything at work, I didn’t have much time to be creative. While I was still working the day shift, I noticed that I was most productive with my creativity between the hours of five-to-nine. This means that I’m going to be able to focus more on working with my brands and producing more content. I’m excited by this venture as well. Creativity is the thing that makes me most happy in life. Filming, writing, podcasting. No more struggles with not being able to focus my time on the things that I find important. This will be good for my mental health as well as getting into a better workout routine.

I know that this seemed to be more about where life has taken me, as of late, and with the pace being quick, it’s kind of something that I’ve gotten used to over time. When big things happen, they usually come with a rapid speed. I’m glad that we’ve made it unto another year, and I’m glad that my degree is finally paying off in the more professional part of my life. I’m glad that I’ve had such support through all of this, as I do feel that I’m fortunate to have some of the most amazing people in my life. I’ve also had the opportunity to help guide a few people into a better direction in life, and that’s always a pleasant feeling. I will make this year a far better one than the previous year, and I have a feeling that those reading this will also find that same thing. This is the director, and like always, that’s a wrap.

How Should It Feel?

So, as we start the last month of a strangely rough year, a few things have come to mind, that has me thinking of life in general. I’m usually a person who tries to stay positive, even in the less than positive circumstances. I’ve heard to opinions on both sides of the Covid-19 isle. While I respect people for who they are and I try to respect their belief systems, I can’t say that I haven’t been affected by this pandemic. In particular during the last few months of this year. I’ve been replying to people who say that they can’t wait to get to the new year for a fresh start. The last few weeks, I’ve been saying that there’s a plot twist, that it gets worse.

I got news last night that put me in a spot of reflection. I was told by a mutual friend that my ex-wife, yes, the one I’ve ranted about in several posts, had passed away from Covid-19 a few days ago. For a woman who put me through hell, how should one feel about this news? Should there be a justified vindication? What if I said that it left an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach? This wasn’t the way I expected her to go. We’d gotten in contact a couple of years ago, and started to make amends, she had been apologetic about the way things happened. Her father was an instigator for many of our problems. Anyway I digress.

She had stage four Adrenal cancer and had been sick, even when we had talked after so many years. I had people who had known her tell me a few years before she reached out, that she had cancer. At that time, I wanted to know if she passed. I think the reason at the time was for a peace of mind, but in truth I felt like I would feel sad. I do feel empty, at the same time I feel that she is better off because she’d been riddled with health problems her whole life. Most of our marriage spent time in the emergency room due to her declining health.

It was nice that we could catch up as we did, because I was able to share my passion for filmmaking, and that she said she was proud of where I was in life. I felt bad for her because her life seemed to get progressively harder after our time together. I guess it could have been considered karma, but I think that train of thought would be horrible, and I knew that after we had talked that I had felt sorry for the choices that she made. I’m glad that she got to have the kids that she always wanted, but I’m also glad that they weren’t mine, because I think that it would have kept tension between us, if we would have had any children.

I keep wondering about how I should feel. I’m not blogging this to find sympathy, and I’m not on this subject to bash the woman that I had once loved. I think it’s surreal, because she was the first person that I ever considered having a family, a future with. The relationship was toxic, but I had loved her.

With that Sarah was the savior of my soul, and she’s defiantly one of the most patient women I’ve ever known. She’s the one I’m glad I did build our lives together. It’s not always easy, God knows how much harder it’s been since she’s gotten Crohn’s disease, but I do try to show her the support she needs. I go to every appointment I can, but the pandemic has put things into a different mode for everyone.

What’s harder is the fact that I lost my maternal mother due to complications from contracting Covid-19, I mean it’s not like we were close, as a mater of fact I did keep distance, but she did give birth to me. The fact that I got to go to Pennsylvania and got to learn about her was nice. I got to meet family that seemed to accept me, even if I wasn’t there for most of my life. I did learn that she loved me, and that I was always in her thoughts.

More importantly, I found something I was missing from my life, and that I got to fulfill her wish to have her kids together. Come to find out that I actually like my brother and sister. I know that I’ve talked about that experience in another blog, so I’ll just continue on.

Isn’t it weird that things can seem to go to shit, yet an amount of good happens about the same time? I mean, I lose my mom, I come home and find out that my dog has to be put down. I get a raise at work, and an opportunity to have a place to actually produce some serious content for all three brands. That’s crazy, right? Then I find out about Mariah last night, and it’s just got me thinking about life in general, both the blessings and the trials that we face on a constant basis.

I think that the hardest part of this year is that it’s changed me, some for the better, but I’m sure that there’s been some negative effects thrown in there, I’m just not sure what it is yet. I mean it’s hard to see our own flaws at times. I do know that I’ve decided to keep pushing forward with what I’m doing and I plan on improving my brands. I also plan on learning more things and different skills to help me become a more well-rounded person over all. You should never stop learning, and if you’re passionate about something, you should continue to improve your knowledge on the subject. I’ve come to the point in life that I don’t feel like I know much of anything, but I’m trying.

Remember that all hope isn’t lost. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, nobody said how long that tunnel is though. Just keep pushing forward, because in the end, we’re our own competition. We’re also our own worst enemies. I spent many nights on nightshift feeling like nobody liked me, but it was just my mind. Remember, you are good enough, you are worthy. You got this.

I don’t know if there’s going to be more surprises for me to experience this year, but I do know that I’m going to keep going forward, and not let these things break my will. I know there are those who would say that they couldn’t handle much more, and I get that I’ve been through quite a bit, especially within a short period, but I’m a survivor, and that’s something that I’ve done my whole life. I’ve faced my demons several times over, and I’ve prevailed. I know that if I can do that, anybody can. I’ve hated myself, and then come to terms with my dislike. I love who I’ve become over the last several years, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ve not always been the best person, as a friend, a husband, or a father. My depression has caused me to be absent for part of life. I’m not going to make that an excuse, because I can do better, and I’m trying to do better.

What happens when we stop growing? The trick is: we never do stop. You can’t control time for stopping, children get older, we get older. Our hair, nails, age, it all grows. The only thing anyone can really do is make the best of it, and the best advantage is to improve on what you already have.

If there’s been a real eye-opener this year, it’s been the fact that I’ve seen the ugly that people can show. I’ve seen hate, and racism more harshly than I thought possible. I saw it from the most unlikely of people, and I have had to disassociate from some of these people. It’s hard to lose the connection with people. Even if that’s to help your own sanity, it’s never easy to get rid of people. I’ve been used by friends, and abused by lovers, but it’s never easy cutting people off, but toxic is toxic.

Anyway, that’s what’s been going on in my life over the last few months. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

How Did It Happen?

For a year that had been emotionally and mentally rough on most people, good things can come to those with patience. I for on don’t think that most of the year went too horribly, I found ways to benefit from the pandemic, like staying home kept me in check and refocus on things such as paying off bills.

Mentally I wasn’t completely keeping it together. One of those things I dealt with was dealing with a low-key depression that I hadn’t really realized was there until much later in the year. I wanted to blame it on being on the nightshift for so long, and the fact that the pandemic happened towards the beginning of my time on that shift. I just really didn’t think of what it was that was bothering me.

One of the downsides of me being on nightshift is always that my mind isn’t nice to me, ever. I start getting stupid thoughts of doubt, and loneliness, and it doesn’t do my mental health any good. That’s why I would text people I knew at god awful hours just so that I could feel validated to someone. I did find the experience to growth, from a personal perspective. My opinions on certain aspects on life have been changed, and it’s taken me by surprise.

Mentally, I feel a bit uplifted now. I got a raise at work that I’ve been hoping to get for some time. I also got an opportunity to have a space for a studio, which is something I haven’t thought that I would have for a long time. The positive side is that I can now produce a bit more video content without having to worry about finding the space I would need for some of the stuff I’ve been meaning to do. I think this will be a win for The CK Project and Luckey Bom Films. The Geekultural will be getting some content as well. I’m excited because this has been what I’ve been working towards the last few years.

Mentally, I’m feeling accomplished. I’ve also been changing some eating habits and changing up my physical training regimen, and I’m starting to feel a bit better about that now. I’ve started what is termed as the “cutting phase”, which means that I’m on a modified cabbage diet, as well as doing endurance training. This way I’ll be going leaner and losing weight. I’m looking to drop muscle size as well with high reps, and light weight.

It’s torcher, and also changing my eating habits and being more conscious about how and when I’m eating is starting to feel that I’m feeling better, and not as fat. I think the weirdest part is that I’ve dropped eating my protein bars, that had been my go-to for the last almost three years. I got this, and in truth, I know that it’s going to save me money in the long run.

Part of why I’ve decided to go this route is because I want to start training for a body building competition. I’m not expecting to win anything, however it’s a learning process to help me for when I become a trainer. Not only that, but as an actor, I would like to look a bit better when I’m on screen, and yes I know that it’s partially a vanity thing. Though getting in the best shape of my life will also extend my life, and I like feeling better about myself.

I guess that shows one of those connections between the physical and mental aspects in life. I mean look, make-up and fashion have been playing into this connection for years. It is a multi-billion dollar industry after all. Plus it’s something society has put standards on. It molds the way most people view the world. It can be ugly at times. If you’re over weight, people tend to be judgmental. If you’re under weight, same difference. I often use the quote haters gonna hate. It’s sad, but true.

Remember how I mentioned how I hated nightshift because of where my mind would take me? Yeah, that the words of people wanting to tear me down since I was little. I used to tease my kids when they were little to toughen them up, but as I’ve gotten older, I hope that I’ve gotten wiser to realize that it wasn’t the best approach to parenthood. The intention was out of love and wanting to protect my children.

That’s something that was hard to accept, that as a parent, I can’t protect my children from all the bad in this world. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes we have to just hope that they can find their way and succeed in life. The world isn’t kind, and all we can do as parents is hope that we’ve given them enough tools to manage the ugly that life presents during the various events in our lives.

I feel that my mental health hasn’t always helped me to be a good parent, but I’ve tried my best, given the circumstances at hand. However, the person that I’ve strived to become over the last several years I think is a step in the right direction. The hardworking that I’ve been putting into getting my brands going, I hope is an example of what I’m trying to have my kids learn. I hope that they can learn and become better versions of themselves as well.

I’m sorry that they’ve ever had to see me struggle and suffer from my misplaced anger. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel that I was the parent that they needed, but they know that I love them. I hope that by seeing me at my worst, they can appreciate that I’ve done all that I could to overcome the struggles of poor mental and physical health. They are my world, and I love them. The fact that they can share in my success, and be apart of building something bugger then just who I am, is where I think we’ve found bounding at it’s finest.

This was started last weekend, and being Thanksgiving, I’m going to finish my thoughts:

I was called to come help my father pick my step-mother up from the floor yesterday. The time was about eight-thirty in the morning, and when I had come to assist I had found out that she had been on the floor since about four-in-the-morning. After we had gotten her up, I was told that she needed to get an ultrasound on her legs because the doctor’s think that she may have clots in her legs. Talk about a plot twist that as most people have felt the whole year has been bad, I figured that it hadn’t been that bad, well I guess that I’m having my chips cashed in in the last bit of this year.

I mean if you’ve been following me for some time, then you already know that I don’t believe that a new year, fresh start is in my belief system. I mean things just seem to come in waves at times. Seeing the woman who raised me, look so frail, and just seems to be getting worse since her head trauma from a couple of years ago has got me thinking about how much time she has left. Again, she raised me, and was the only woman I called mom for most of my life, her condition has hit me hard. I’m afraid that I’m going to be losing her soon, and that would just be the exclamation to hit me during these troubled times.

I’m not letting these events drag me down, at least not to anywhere dangerous, but at the same time, I think I’m still trying to figure out what it all means. I know that this month of November has come with it’s own set of mixed blessings, as I’ve gotten almost all my studies done, and I have made forward progress on the filmmaking end of things as we are setting up an area that gives us a bit of space to grow and film. Plus with the meetings every weekend, we’ve been developing something that should keep us busy filming for a majority of the year.

It’s all about taking it one-step-at-a-time. Just like working on self-care, mental health, and everything else in life. Take it all one step, one day-at-a-time.

With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Winning with Failure

I recently applied for a job, that I thought I had in the bag. I was told why I didn’t get it, and I accept that. I had this feeling that it might not have been the way for my life to be headed. I was looking forward to working with one of my best friends, however, I think that I have to pressure other avenues.

I know that rejection is one of the hardest things for anyone having to deal with it. It keeps people from growing, and trying new things. The fear keeps people trying to keep things the same. People who have depression probably have it the worst, especially since the “darker times”, self-worth is at it’s lowest. I’ve been there.

Some people can’t handle criticism either, which is different than rejection, yet can at times feel the same. I know that from my own personal experience, I prefer criticism over rejection, as I’ve found that criticism makes for a great teacher for improvement. I guess that rejection can end up being the same kind of teacher.

At times, criticism can be hard to handle, especially if it’s something on the character of a person. I’ve had issues hearing about how stubborn that I can be. I mean, I know that I’m stubborn, I just don’t need it pointed out. All joking aside though, it’s about self-improvement. I think that my over compensation of insecurity by having an ego, was perhaps one of the hardest pills to swallow. I think this is my biggest downfall, as I’m stubborn, and usually don’t want to hear it.

All these criticisms and rejections can be a bit much to handle, yet as one to try and find a silver lining in most situations, I suggest turning the perspective around and really see where the improvement can be made. I was fortunate enough to know the person doing the job interview, and I didn’t take it personally, I just wanted to know what I could do to improve. That person told me, and now that I will do much better when I decide to pursue different avenues.

Remember that life has so many opportunities to grow. I’ve spent the better part of the last six-years trying to become someone better than I was. For the most part, I think that’s true. I still have my moments of doubt, which is funny because it hits a bit different now. I think the biggest thing that still gets me is that I have those days where I see myself at that four-hundred-and-thirty-pound person that I was.

I think that we are our biggest enemies. We criticize ourselves into thinking that we’re not good enough. We reject the notion that we’re worthy of anything good. I think that is where an inflated ego comes from, at times. I know that I went on doing that as a way to shield myself from the way I truly saw myself inside. Self acceptance was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

The way we think and realizing that we need to find a better way to view things is even harder. Our relationships, not only with ourselves, but with others can often be affected. I know people who “can do no wrong” and that “it’s everybody else’s fault”. That’s often the hardest type of person anyone can deal with. I’ll admit, that while I’ve grown to accept myself, I’ll even say that my relationship with who I am has improved, I wouldn’t want to actually hang around anyone completely like me. I have those friends, who do enjoy my company, and I’m thankful for that more than they’ll ever know, because I drive myself crazy at times.

I think that’s why my oldest and I clash at times. She is her “daddy’s girl”. I love her, because she’s smart, kind, and I feel that she’s probably a better person than I’ll ever be, but God damn, if she doesn’t frustrate me with her stubbornness. It’s her razor sharp wit that gets me. I find it to be one of the greatest things, yet I get frustrated because I would respond the same way at things. She’s got a passion that drives her interests in her life, and I couldn’t think of anything better.

I hope that by my example, that my children can learn to turn rejection and criticism into something positive. I hope that from my mistakes as a parent, they can become better than I ever was. I think that’s a desire that most parents have, to have their children become better, and do better than we ever did.

Coming back to the point of rejection, another way it cam be positive, is by rejecting our past selves. I reject the fact that I was an addict to self-medicating with food. I reject that I was close minded to other ideas and thought when I was younger. I get into my own head more often then I care to admit, but I reject being a prisoner there. I did so much damage to myself with an environment that tried to break me and end my life. The environment was inside my head. Yes, there were more factors coming from external negative energies, but I had to learn to process what was going on.

Update:

Since I started the final cut of The Driver Episode One: Handle Your Business, Mr. Ballenger(2020), I realized that failure really is something that can make us all better. I’m not saying that I failed at bringing it out, on the contrary, I just see that what I can do better, and we, as a company can do better. I believe that’s the way things should be no matter the circumstance that might happen in life. I call it finding the silver linings, I know that it might sound a bit of a cliche, however it’s the best way to help survive.

I know that’s how I’ve been coping with our current situation in life. I’ve heard so much about how people feel oppressed, and we should be able to do whatever we need to do for our own sanity and economy. I look at it like this. I’m not looking at the negative, I look at it like this: I’ve saved so much money since I’ve had to stay home. As a matter of fact, I’ve been able to pay off some of my bills during this time.

Yes, I miss going to the movies, and I miss going out of town to do window shopping or getting things that I can’t in my town, yet I have saved money. To me, it’s about finding where the priorities lie. I have family members that compromised immune systems, and I put my focus into other things, that have helped me tolerate my time at home.

I think working the nightshift helped me not worry about most of this pandemic, because I had not been wide awake most of the time being on a nighttime schedule. However, I had experienced some relaxed restrictions and did take a trip out of town a few weeks ago. It felt weird, and in a way that made me think that it wasn’t going to be normal in the way we used to have it. I think we’re into a point where we’ll be having a new normal once all is over.

In the end, we all need to look at the opportunities, especially the negative, and see if we can find a positive answer to all that we can get from this. Remember, I commonly use the ten-percent to ninety-percent ratio on how life’s out of your control, compared to how you react to it. Once that point of view is taken into consideration, it seems that life becomes that much easier to handle.

I know that the blogs are still lagging a bit, but I’m going to attempt to bring them out more often once again. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

“We’re All Going Through Changes”

Change is happening all around us at all times. Change is constant, and yet it seems like something that people fear the most. With change, brings something different, sometimes better, and sometimes not. Why fear something that’s inevitable?

I look at my children, and am reminded that as they grow older, they are changing. Their personalities aren’t the same as they were as where as toddlers. They are discovering their own likes and interests, that aren’t always influenced by their parent’s tastes. Yet at the same time, I see Sarah’s and mine influences on some of those things they do like.

I’ve been going through changes, especially since I had my gastric sleeve done. My attitude has gotten better, I feel more active, more alive, and I appreciate things so much more. I think the biggest change that’s really come for me, is the self realization that the way I treated people, and the way I allowed them to treat me, wasn’t okay.

I use humor in almost all aspects of my life. The people I joke with, I know that I can have a viscous wit towards. It’s sad that if I like someone I tend to joke with them, and treat them  kind of shitty at times. If I don’t like someone, I just don’t associate with them. To those friends that I might have gone too far with, I apologize. To the one’s that I love, or have loved, I am sincerely sorry for the hurt I’ve caused in your lives. I wasn’t always the best mentally, and you’re the one’s who’ve suffered the most for it.

Regardless of how my journey goes, I have some of the best people in my life. Sarah has always been a constant reminder of the love and dedication I can find in one person. For that I’m always thankful for.  She’s always going to be a big part of me, no matter what happens in life.

Saturday ended up being a day that really caused me to reconsider so much of what had been going on. Little Chris had a seizure while we were out of town and I got so worried about him. My biggest fear is that my children pass on before I do. I think that, as I also know, that is most parent’s biggest fear. I’ve witnessed this happen to good friends of mine, and it’s the hardest thing to witness.

I know that the last several months have put perspective in my life. I want to say that the quarantine had something to do with it, but it doesn’t. I’ve been one of the people deemed “essential personal” or as some people joke, “expendable”. That’s just added more stress because I’ve got family members in my household who’ve got weakened immune systems.

At least things are semi getting back to normal. I was able to actually go back to the gym and work out. It was nice to feel myself putting in the same effort as when I had to stop. I just know that now I need to get really serious and start dropping this last stretch of weight that I’ve been holding on too. Being stuck to my own devices, and I slacked. At least I’ve stayed fairly consistent with my walks.

This year has proven to be an interesting one to say the least. I’m sure that I’m not the only one to have had my mental health tested, time and time again. Do you know what I mean? I’ve seen it on in my kids, and my wife. This hasn’t been the most pleasant experience.

Another thing that has been an eye opener, is the fact that with the Black Live Matter movement, I’ve seen the ugly come out of unexpected places. People that I would have never thought had those kinds of opinions, have shown me the substance of which they’re really made of. I’ve seen some with whom I expected to come out racist, show that they are strong allies, and I’ve seen those who, I thought were more open minded about people, show their opinions.

My thoughts are this: We are in a time where more people are “woke” to the way that the world is run. The whole thought process on the Black Live Matter movement, I wasn’t sure what I would say about it. The rioting, I had an opinion, then I saw someone stay something else, and I decided that I would listen, and try to understand that point of view. So that’s exactly what I did. When the players in the NFL kneeled at the National Anthem, I had an opinion, but then I listened. if there’s anything I can say, is that if you feel strongly one way or another, try and listen, and see if you can understand things from a different point of view.

Racism is wrong, that’s not something up for debate. It’s an old train of thought that should have died out with the Civil Rights Movement. Yet, here we are, seeing it on the news, and internet. I find it a ridiculous concept, and I’ve been discriminated against for my weight, and my economic class. I think the behaviors of the hatred I’m seeing is sad, and I’m disappointed, because I expect better of people.

This is the world we seem to live in, a toxic society that promotes hatred, and judgement, and the media tends to play both sides. I agree that police reform must be made, but that doesn’t excuse the way people come off entitled in society and think that can just be disrespectful towards authority. Again, the whole system needs to change, but it’s not that one side, there needs to be both sides trying to fix the matter, and the communications are fucked up.

We should hold each other to a higher standard, and not just because people are watching, and yes, people are watching, but because we as a people need to be better. I experience entitled attitudes at work. I experience and witness these same attitudes out in the public, while shopping. Why? Because you’re not having it your way? Because you feel inconvenienced?

Customer service is one of the most stressful jobs in the world, because you’re constantly treated like shit, and it’s usually beyond your control. I’ll go further, being a geek, I see the same common issues in the geek community. “You can’t have a black storm trooper”, I mean come on, and you fucking kidding me? As a people who’ve been discriminated against, what gives us the right to tear our people down, or show that hatred towards others?

This is why so many people are struggling with mental health issues, because someone always seems to want to tear down someone else just to feel bigger, or more important. It happens in all walks of life, LGBTQA+? Bisexuals are often discriminated against, but why? Shouldn’t we all be accepting of each other, just for the fact that we are human?

I know that this blog might not sit well with some people, and while I would hate to lose followers, if somehow I’ve offended someone that bad, I guess that’s the way it has to be. I’m gonna try not to judge anybody who’s offended, but I’m gonna also ask that if what I say has offended anyone, before you totally block, delete, call me out, try and look into yourself, and find why it is that you’re offended. Not only that, if there’s something about the situation that does offend you, please research it out for yourself, and see if you can find something more than assumptions on the subject. You might just be enlightened by what you discover.

Part of the problem I’m seeing is that we’re being lied to from all sides. The media lies, the lessons in school can be misleading. All I say is that research, and take time to actually listen to what’s going on. I don’t want anyone to be hated because of a difference of opinion. Often times I see healthy debate, degrade down to simple adolescent name calling, and that’s not getting us anywhere as a society.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

I’m Fighting Through

Okay, so I know that it’s been awhile since I’ve actually provided any sort of content. To say that we live in difficult times, is an understatement. Myself professional, and personally have been met with some rough times. Some of it has to do with some major self-realization. It’s the self-realization that’s been the hardest part.

Emotions have been high, as well. Those who know me, and the things I do to make money, know that some of the current events of the last few months have really hit close to home for me. Some of them have gotten me to question my own views and beliefs that I’ve had for years. With that, I can say that listening, and reflecting on what the message really is, goes a long way in understanding the situation from another perspective. It may even make you question if you’re part of the problem without realizing it.

I realized that I felt a certain way about the kneeling at the national anthem when it happened. I had the gut reaction of how wrong it was. Yet, then I listened, and I realized that there was something more than the media was saying going on. I felt a certain way about the Black Lives Matter movement, but I began to listen. That was the same way with the rioting and looting, while I don’t necessarily agree with those actions, I now understand the frustration behind it. I also understand that there are opportunist out there, looking to get away with doing illegal actions.

The point is, I listened. I tried to understand why these actions had been going on the way they were. I wanted to understand the frustrations of the people protesting. I did it for growth. I listened for understanding so that I could myself grow from not paying attention like I should have.

I know that people have said that this year was even worse than last year, which most people seemed to hate how it went anyway, but I’ve found this a particularly enlightening year. Like I’ve said in most years past, when everyone wants the fresh start from the new year, I feel that it doesn’t really change anything. It’s all in how you react to the situations at hand.

I hear so much complaining about what’s going on, i.e. work, earthquakes, or weather conditions, and yet there’s never any solutions given in that same set of breaths. The truth is, unpopular opinion is that most people seem to complain, just to complain. If you hate the earthquakes, and think that they need to stop, the best way to do that is move. It’s not like there’s anywhere else that does’t have its own set of  natural disasters. Just pick your poison and endure. Don’t like your job? Get a new one. I know that it isn’t always that simple, however, unless you’re willing to try and change the scenario, stop complaining. Most people don’t really care for the complaints.

I try to keep real with everyone, especially for my own details. I know that some people have felt that I’ve been complaining, but my intent has always been to keep truth involved, both the negative and positive. I know I’m known as a pretty positive person, but even I have doubts, and depressive episodes. It’s not something that I suffer alone, because I’ve had other’s reach out and thank me for being brave enough to share my struggles.

As I’ve grown, I’m viewing some of my past actions as unacceptable. I’m also realizing that the way I’ve allowed others to treat me, is also unacceptable. The truth is, people can be ugly to each other. I know that my sense of humor can be very mean at times. I know that the snide remarks made towards my weight, has done more damage, then I would have let on. I’ve hurt people that I call close, and that I love. My realization is that I can do better, I can be better, and I will do better.

Mentally, things have been taxing lately. There has been so much going on in the world, and it’s affected me on a professional and personal level. There have been days that I felt like I wanted to give up on things. Yet, I keep on going, I’m trying to look for that motivation deep down, but at this moment it hasn’t seemed like I can find it. My motivation has been down for doing things most my time off. My creativity has been suffering the most.

I know that this year has been a rough one for most people. I know that we’ll all get through this ordeal, but we need to be cautious, and we need to be diligent in keeping ourselves safe. I know that there are people who don’t believe that the Coronavirus really exists. I know five people who’ve had it, and most of them I actually know personally, and can say that I’ve never gotten the vibe that those individuals would have any alternative motivations, then being truthful. As I’ve said this to some of the non-believers, I’ve watched their faces change drastically.

One of those things that I can say about the Coronavirus is that I don’t really know how sever it is going to be if it affects my family. The people that I do know who’ve had it, have survived. I think one of the biggest things about all that’s been going on, is that it seems that the professionals don’t even know what it’s all about, and I understand because this is new. Yet it’s frustrating because things seem to be contradictory from the various sources that are keeping up with the epidemic at hand. The one thing that I’ve picked up on is the fact that as everything opens back up, and the group settings keep going, things are going to get worse. Please be careful, and mindful.

While things are looking to be getting worse, things will get better. We should remember to treat each other so much better than what’s been shown lately. I have faith that we can all be better humans, and I wouldn’t expect anything less. I’ll be honest, after what happened to George Floyd, I’ve seen an ugliness in people that I expected better from, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Did You Say You Needed Help

Part of my journey has been self-improvement, and the whole of my journey has been to help others by using my example to show others that there’s always hope. Lately, I’ve been talking to someone who seems to be at wits end, and I asked them to listen to my podcast, and read some of my blogs(Yes, it’s a bit of shapely promotion). I was told that my podcast was informative, and that I “write well”. These are things that I humbly take as a compliment, and it shows me that I’m on the right path when it comes to some of the things that I’m doing.

This person deals with grief and depression, which is something that I can connect with. I suggested that blogging was a great way to help work through some of those traumatic things that would be plaguing them. I think the more a problem is talked about, the less impact it has in our day-to-day lives. This has been true for me, and I’ve seen it in others. I wonder if this is why psychiatrists have you talk them out? I’ll have to ask a friend on that.

A common issue that I’m finding is that people don’t seem to know where to turn. Some have seen help, and it’s actually been successful. I’m an advocate for seeing professional help to get through the tough times. I understand where some might consider it viewed as looking crazy, and that’s where things get hard. People don’t want to be viewed as crazy, so they’ll try to handle their problem on their own. I speak from experience on this, as I also didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems. Yet, the problem never goes away. It just keeps building, and getting worse until all control is lost and suicide or some other extreme action is taken.

I’m personally glad that I got help. I just didn’t know where to turn, and I was glad that it got forced upon me at the time. In this case, I’m glad someone has asked me on something that might help them get through dealing with the trauma. I just said what seemed to work for me, because I’m by far not a professionally trained person in this. I’m just glad that I can help, and I can usually point someone in the right direction for professional help.

I think one of the hardest parts when dealing with seeking professional help is that insurance doesn’t always cover it, and my guess is because mental health is still a bit of a taboo subject. I see that things are getting better at being accepted, or maybe it’s because it’s a niche area that I’ve found that’s showed support. It’s amazing how supportive this sect of people are. It’s also somber to see those how do have it worse than I have. I found myself looking at it and thinking that I need to find a way to get things right, because there are people who have it worse.

That’s what makes people unique. The way we deal with things, and how we choose to handle them. I know that I don’t always have my shit together, but I am trying to grow as a person, and learn how to get my shit together. That’s part of why I do help people, because it helps with a sense of satisfaction to know that I could positively help someone else out. That being said, with how I feel about those who do have it worse, I have realized that the few on worse, is relative to my experience, and not everyone can see that.

I know I’ve said that ego is our worst enemy, and I think it applies to any situation that comes up. Ego, can stop people from seeking the help that they need. Remember, that most people don’t want to be viewed as “crazy”.  Ego is the number one, relationship killer as well. It’s “never” my fault, that things are going wrong. Funny how much that’s being seen these days, even on a larger public scale. Yet, it’s ego that draws people in. I’m not going to say that it’s not something I’ve never experienced. I’ll call myself out and say that I have an ego, I’m learning to get past it, but if you ask some who are close, they’ll tell you that’s a lie.

This is one of those things that people have to learn to get past to get themselves the help they need. It took me a long time to realize that ego was getting in my way of getting the help I need. Ego was the thing that was holding me back from growing as a person, yet, I’m trying my best to help build people up, and improve themselves. Is it successful? Sometimes, and yet there are times, that I’ve had to be real and tell people to drop their own ego to realize what’s going on.

I have a longtime friend, who always seems to think that life is shitting on them, and that they feel that they need a break everything. Being friend’s with me isn’t easy because I keep it real, ie, if their being a dumb ass, I’m gonna tell them that. Sometimes having that truth can help correct the path that’s being taken. I’ve gotten several, “you’re right, I didn’t realize..” from that person. Again, ego can get in the way.

I’m trying to help, yes, it’s an ego thing. I think I realize this as I write this blog right here. I have always had this inclination of having a “white knight” mentality. I try to save the world, and it’s backfired on me more than a handful of times. I think the change in my approach came when I figured that I needed to show myself as an example and let people reach out asking for some guidance. I know that being open isn’t easy, I know that I’m getting judged on it. Maybe that’s where the ego has gone, in a different direction. I’m not perfect, I’m not the best, but I do try to make some sort of difference in life for the betterment of my fellow humans.

It’s surprising that people have received my openness, and given some of them a voice for themselves. Does it stroke the ego? I think there are days that I feel satisfied that I’ve been able to be a tool to help people. So, yeah, maybe it does a little bit, but I’m not up in anyone’s face about it. I figure that there are enough shitty people out there, that I hope not to be one of those people, and just want to help anyway I can. Those who do show the support, I thank you, it’s humbling that one: you’re paying attention, supportive or not. Two: Some of those have come in my defense when I’ve been questioned about my motives, that’s even more humbling. I’m in awe of those people in my life. Three: Those who do support me, help make it worth pushing through the doubts, and the unmotivated times. Yeah, it’s because the ego knows they’re watching.

To those who continue to support me, thank you. To those that have reached out for help, thank you for trusting in me to help guid you in the right direction. It gives me joy to know that I can be counted on with something so personal. I’ve found that after someone I had known briefly, had taken their life, had changed me fundamentally.  Maybe that is where the ego changed? I’ve learned more about being self-aware and it helps.” I have a problem, and this is where my problem lies”, I think this is a step to growth.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Realigning Priorities

With society being on various forms of quarantine, those who stay home have mentioned things about learning a new skill, or finishing some sort of project that has been worked on, but never finished. I’m realizing that I need to start working on some of those things as well. I still have to work, and being on the night shift doesn’t make my motivation for the waking hours any easier.

I realize that I need to work on stuff that I’ve been working on, and I need to practice skills that I’m still in the early stages of getting better at. On the plus side, I’ve low-keyed gotten a few things done here and there, so I’ll take that as a win. The fact that I’m putting out blogs one to two times a week seems to align with the things I tried to do the last time I was on the night shift. I know that there were a few months that I didn’t seem to have much going on besides staying awake, but I’m going to do my best to keep providing the content. This is both for the purpose of being a creative person, and my mental sanity.

It feels like I don’t have enough time to do anything, except the physical activity that I do throughout the day.  Truth is, I have all these things that I have on the back burner, and I don’t want that to be an excuse, however sometimes I think that I try to take on too much and that’s why I tend to get stagnant when actually getting something out. Man, I also have this plethora of ideas being churned around in my head about this whole Coronavirus ordeal. In fact I think I have come up with a few story ideas, that I think I’ll start notes on here in the next few days.

This situation has also made me realize that I want to start keeping in better contact with those who I actually want in my life. I’ve been reaching out too those that I actually find to be important to me, and hope that I can keep the solid bases for the relationships I have. Doesn’t it bother anyone to want to do more with friends, and find that life has gotten too busy, or that we’ve become too distracted for communications? I know that I’d like to blame it on the fact that I’m too busy doing things all the time, but the truth is, I’m easily distracted.  What is the distraction, you might ask? Video games, movies, social media.

That last one kind of skirts the edge of a complicated relationship, not for just me, but I’m sure there are plenty of others who might relate. I know people like to keep up to date with what’s going on with who. Have we just gotten to the point where we want to know everyone’s business? Has it always been that way? So, there comes the other question: What about you, Chris? Why does social media distract you so much? I know that my view of social media changed after I started going to film school. I also know that my reason’s behind why I do social media has changed quite a bit.

I used to feel that I wanted to share every problem, opinion with everyone. Yes, it’s still true, but I do things a bit differently. I mean I would complain online about work, relationships, etc.. I would also celebrate the triumph and happy stuff too. How is that different than what I’m doing now? Social media is about promoting my brands. That’s what it’s about for me. Part of what it is, using my experiences to show people that there’s a better way, that the thoughts of depression and suicide aren’t always the final answer.

I’m about uplifting, encouraging, seeing others succeed. Watching others succeed in something I wish I was successful at isn’t always the easiest thing too endure. I’d love to be making the incredible content that I see some of my friend’s doing. I’d love to have that job that pays me to do what I actually love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my health and wellness brand, that’s where I find the most success as it is, with the most response. I’d just like my film company to be making something all the time, and I’m sure we’ll get there at some point in the future, it’s just hard to see others take that train to glory town sooner than expected.

I knew that I would end up running into a stump along my path, as I have a few times. It’s not uncommon or unexpected. I knew that putting this burden on myself, would be an undertaking, but I also knew that it would help keep my mind busy, which is a good thing.

One of the bright and consistent things, while I haven’t completely been motivated to workout, I haven’t done too bad otherwise. I’m still getting in workouts, even if they’re not always as intense as I usually do when I workout with Sam. I’m not feeling a shrinkage of any of my clothing that I wear day-to-day.

That’s one of those weird things about my  weight loss journey so far, that I’m in-between  sizes for somethings. I wear an extra-large to a two-x in shirts. I was up to a five-x for the longest time. Now I can wear large shorts, sometimes an extra-large in shorts depending on the make.

I didn’t ever consider that would be in anything under a three-x. So, I’m happy about the work that I’ve put into myself. I’ve also started working on getting to the point where I can do a hand stand, while I’m not there, I think that’s one of the next goals that I’m looking to achieve. This might take sometime, but I know that it’ll be worth it. I think I want to get into parkour at some point in the future. That’s one of those things that Assassin’s Creed(2007) had gotten me interested in.

I can’t believe that I’ve been living this new life for almost two-and-a-half-years now. I have no regrets, and I do think that I wish that I would have made that decision earlier to have the surgery, but I think that I had been in a kind of limbo from the end of 2013 and I was just actually understanding how to come back from it in 2015. It took the instance of actually coming to the realization that I could meet my maker in 2017, that gave me the view of needing to be reborn.

That is exactly what I’ve done, and I have the cognitive view to see how I’m changing. It’s something that I still see, and the realizations coming with that. I’m in the process of dealing with my past and self abuse. I’ve still got a long way to go, and I hope that I can figure it out.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, as it does deal with me as a whole, coming from focusing on my weight loss journey, and my mental health. Things are going well,  considering everything going on in this world. Remember to subscribe, and leave comments to help make this whole thing better and help me to keep improving my content. That’s the director, and that’s a wrap.