When The Inspiration Hits

I’m not ashamed to admit that some of the topics I talk about come from things I see or hear around me. As a matter of fact, most of my podcasts end up starting out by conversations found in the groups that I follow. That’s my mode of operation; to pick up on a subject and go for it. Improve has always been one of my favorite things to do, and it seems to have done me well so far.

Being a writer, not only for blogging my experiences, but as a creative person who writes scripts for visual storytelling, I’m always looking to draw inspiration from other mediums. I’m about to do a series of blogs, vlogs, and podcasts addressing a subject that has recently been on my mind.

So, there was recent news that they were going to edit out a scene depicting suicide on a show called 13 Reasons Why(2017). Now this show was something I had put on my watch list to see at some point, but I’ve got so much to watch that this wasn’t even on the radar for me to see in the immediate future, until the news came out. While by the time I got to the scene it had already been edited out, my wife had found an unedited version online for me to see.

First off, I found the scene to actually not be as graphic as I was expecting it too. I’ve actually seen it done a bit more graphic in other movies, however this show is powerful. The subject of teenage life and the trauma that can occur has taken me back to my own days in high school, hell in school generally. It’s taken me back to conversations that I’ve had with former classmates, and even experiences that I’ve had as a parent.

I’m speaking on this as I know that it happens to deal very much with mental health, and physical health, bullying has been a factor in my own weight gain as a youth, and I feel that as apart of what I’ve been doing over the last few years, that this is just another subject to talk about, and maybe help someone get through their own struggles with it.

The fact that I still witness bullying in other areas of life, is actually sad. I figured that we would have been done with this after school, but to see it in various aspects of the adult and professional parts of life makes this topic kind of a hot point for me. We’re actually going to do a bit of research to help with this subject, and I’m feeling that we might take this show, an episode at a time and touch the subjects that each episode goes over.

Again, do to the extreme sensitivity of this subject, we feel that a bit of research, besides personal experiences will help us to justify our subject matter, though I can tell you that I had a tough time with bullying in school, and as I’ve become more self-aware, I see how it has influenced my life.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Shifting Gears And Shifts: Better Days Ahead

So I finally am free of the night shift at work. It was a great experience, and I’m glad I did it, however it seemed to keep me in a zombified state for the last six months. To be quite honest, I felt like there was what seemed like a pause on life for awhile being on this shift.

It’s funny that as I got towards the end of my time on the night shift, I started to feel like I was starting to finally get the hang of it, and now I have to adjust to the fact that I’m back on a reasonable schedule again. I had done many days of staying up for over twenty-four hours to spend time with the family, and I’m glad that won’t have to happen again.

Truth is this: The hours were easy, the part I didn’t like was that it would take me away from being home at night with the family. After being with the same woman for over eighteen years, it was hard to only spend two-nights a week in the same bed with her there. It made it difficult for my children to stay quiet while “daddy” slept. Otherwise, it was easy.

Now that I got that out of the way, let’s get to the points that this blog is about, mental health and weight loss. Sometimes, it leans more towards one than the other, but I’m going to adjust to both tonight.

I could easily get in my 10,000 steps in a night, and even get an additional 10,000 before the shift was over. The weather was cooler, and I had a lot of time to myself to work on my physical condition. I picked up on doing about one-hundred wall push-ups a night, and it kept me busy. I would often leave at the end of my shift physically tired from the cardio and strength training. This part was the simplest of the job, I got to learn skills that I hadn’t had the chance to work on before, and so I know it added to my capabilities as a worker.

Now, there were nights that I had even less contact with people, and there were a few times that my thoughts would go to insecure places. It happened a few times, but at least I was able to work through those moments. The best thing was that I was doing my best to keep busy, both mind and body.

Quick Disclaimer: I felt like it had been a long time since I actually wrote substance, and I want to give better details on what’s been going on.

I had to pass a physical agility test at work in April, this I know that I’ve stated, however I hadn’t really talked about where that was going to take me. I had passed and I started to make moves to get myself a promotion. Within the last couple of weeks, I was able to have an interview, and it looks promising. I’m not going to say that I nailed all the questions that I had been asked, but I feel that I did okay. I feel that I was able to competently get through the gauntlet of questions, and show that I would be capable of the said position that I’m  trying for.

I’ve had friends and co-workers ask if I knew anything about getting the job, an I don’t know yet. I suppose that I will be finding out here in a couple of weeks how I did. Hell, I might just see if I can run into one of the decision makers, and see if they could at least give me a hint on the progress there.

A mental health win is the fact that I’ve never felt so supported in achieving a better position as I do now. I’ve come to discover that I have some of the best co-workers that I’ve ever had in the eleven-plus years doing my job. As a matter of fact, it was at the suggestion of more than one co-worker that I actually would be good in a higher standing position at work, and that was part of what motivated me to try and get to that next step.

Now, I’m finding challenges adjusting to my job with this 100-plus degree heat, and the fact that I work outside most of the time, trying to get those steps in. I know that I have to reacclimatize to the hottest part of the day, but I also feel better having a more busy pace at work. It helps the work week go by so quickly.

At least pushing through the heat is helping my steps give me more of a sweat! Mentally I feel better seeing people that I’ve talked to for years at my job, and I’m pumped for the changes that should be coming my way.

I will be pushing out far more content with the blogs, vlogs, and various other things that I work on. I’m back and ready to be here for you all. With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Alone with My Thoughts

While everything’s going well, there are those days that the negative thoughts cross my mind. I had an issue the other night while being left alone at work. The strange part isn’t that there’s anything wrong, but I started fixating on past decisions, and possible choices that I’m in the process of doing. It was followed by a bit of depression.

On the plus side, self harm was never part of the thought process, but it just made for a slightly rough night. The other part was that it’s caused me to feel a bit off for the weekend, and I’m not completely sure why. That’s one of those problems that comes with depression, you can’t always know what it is that starts an episode.

I guess that part of what has set me off is that fact that I’ve also been feeling a bit on the fat side lately. I know that sounds crazy since I’ve lost so much weight, but it happens sometimes. I was talking to a friend and he said that it could take up to seven years to get out of that mind set.

One of the other issues that has come up is the fact that I’ve seemed to hit a plateau again. I’m very aware that this is all apart of the weight loss process, and that it’s about the ups and downs, yet it still gets a bit discouraging. This however will not stop me from continuing the journey or the progress that I’ve started so long ago.

When I started this blog, it was last weekend; around May twenty-second. It was in the last have of the No Zero Day May challenge, with at least thirty minutes of activity a day. While I haven’t done 10,000 steps everyday, I did manage to get in at least the minimum activity. So much so, that most days I seemed to go beyond the minimum requirements that had be presented as the challenge. I upped my game by attempting to average about five miles a day, and I was mostly successful with that. Within the last few weeks, I had also started doing wall push-ups. Sam, my personal trainer said that doing 100 push-ups a day, in any form would help me get better at it. So, I’ve also been getting those in, and this last week, I added doing about 100 Squats. It’s added a bit more to my working out, and doing those exercises has challenged me.

With all these added activities that I’m doing, I’m really starting to realize how important rest days are. As I got to the latter part of this week, the push-ups and squats were really starting to be a challenge to knock out. So, as this is now the weekend, I’ve decided that aside from doing my steps, I think I’m going to take some rest days, and we’ll start concentrating on making the challenges this month be about continuing getting the 100 reps in a day for five days a week. One of the goals is to actually document what effect these continued reps will be doing to my body. I noticed that doing the push-ups have really started to add a bit more shape and muscle to my arms. I really felt the “burn” in both my back, and my pecs as I would do them, yet I think it is becoming more noticeable in my biceps.

Going through this challenge, I had my long-time friend Terry Bays take up the challenge. He’s dealt with health issues his whole life, and diabetes has been a major factor for the last nine, or ten years. I’m proud of the fact that he took this challenge head on, and has noticed that he’s been feeling better about himself. I am so proud of him. My kids adore him, and would like to have their “uncle” Terry around for a long time.

Getting back to the point I started to make, I think part of why I’ve been feeling the way I have, is the fact that so much is going on in life right now, that it just seems to take more time to process than I have been. Sarah’s  Crohn’s Disease has been keeping her down. My oldest child is about to walk down the aisle with her graduating class, and then a couple weeks after will officially be an adult. Plus, I’ve got two other kids getting ready to embark on the next phase of their adolescent journey of middle school. On top of that, Sarah is also dealing with preparing for empty nest syndrome. I guess it’s hard on her because Autumn is the oldest, and they have a different bond than I do with her.

My philosophy on parenting is this: We are giving the gift to bring life into this world, and the responsibility to raise our offspring to the best of our abilities.  It’s never easy, and there isn’t an instruction manual on how to operate a small person, but we do our best. I think it’s our job to raise these little people to become responsible and functioning adults. I find relieve in knowing that I didn’t fuck up too much as a parent.

Even at my lowest point in life, I loved my kids. Even when I wasn’t the best parent that I could be. That was the time that Sarah had to pick up more of the slack, and in all honesty, she’s the one that gets depend on the most. That’s the way it goes in most families, mom is the glue that keeps things together and running.

With that, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

Dual Identity

As a child, I would play this game with my friends where I had a twin brother named Kevin. He was the cooler, slightly older brother, by twelve minutes, and he was liked. I’m not saying that I wasn’t liked, but Kevin seemed to give me a safe place as not to get hurt.

I was a sensitive child and was easy to make cry. Not only that, but I was easily pushed around, and I would get beat up, even by the girls. It was looked at as a sign of weakness, and would add on to the humiliation that I had already been enduring. At this time of my life, I was seven and this was the first time I had ever really felt that dreaded sense of loneliness, and the first thoughts of taking my own life.

I can’t remember if it was before this or just some time after that I started to pretend that I had a twin, but he felt like he was the best parts of me, and non of the parts that people seemed to focus on. He never manifested at school though, and living on a military base, there where biases about enlisted children, being one myself, on a base full of officers.

I never realized that classism was one of the first factors of discrimination that I ever faced. Oh and the fact that I was over weight contributed to others forms of bullying(I find writing about this gives me a reflection of things I never realized). Yet, being a target of bullying followed me pretty much my whole life.

When we moved away from Okinawa, Kevin kind of disappeared. I don’t know if it was that I thought that a new place, new beginnings mentality was in place, but I was willing to see where things would progress. On to the Black Hills of South Dakota. I got the nick name Okie, but coming from where I had been, I felt that it was something that I was being made fun of, and I didn’t like it. I was sensitive, and being on the defensive was always something I came up to know.

I had been in Rapid City for about a year when I was rejected by my crush, and being a kid, I was careless on my bike and with that I got into an accident and almost died. I had broken multiple bones, and suffered from severe head trauma. I was in a coma for about three weeks because of it.

Now, this is where things are unclear, because I don’t remember things very well from this time, but I don’t know if I was just being inattentive, or if I had another suicidal thought, but this accident changed me. I became a different person due to the trauma I suffered. My parents basically compared it to going from the “light side” to the “dark side of the force.” All humor aside, I became a far more cynical person. My humor had gotten different, and I reacted differently to things.

Now when someone suffers from a head injury, processing emotions and empathy become more difficult, and can at times be lacking(https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mouse-man/201001/traumatic-brain-injury-leads-problems-emotional-processing). At the time I didn’t understand, but as I’ve recently seen my mom go through the same thing, I’ve been enlightened by this. 

Lacking the emotional reactions, explain quite a  bit as I’ve had troubles when it’s come to my own kids getting hurt at times. I’ve gotten better about it over the years, but now I understand my lack of reaction to these events.

So, I worked hard to get through my injuries, and I had to relearn to do basic things, like going to the bathroom, I also had struggled to learn how to do class work because I would process things slower. I also had to relearn to walk as I broke my pelvis in two spots, and took a chunk out of my femur bone.

I had viewed my life as I was still quite unpopular, and I struggled, because all I had ever done my whole life was wanting to fit in. One summer, a friend suggested that I tell a little lie to help gain confidence, and I basically reinvented “Kevin”, only this time it was my story. I told one little lie and it helped, then I told another, and after a while I got popular, and too be honest, high school at the time felt good to be on top, but I really didn’t like who I became, and how I treated the people who really did care about me the most.

After high school, we moved to California, and I decided that I was going to be who I was and that honesty was the best policy. The funny thing was, that I had become the best of myself, and my alter ego. That’s who I am today, and with the events that have sculpted my life, I’m just getting better every day.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

See the Stage, Hear the Critics

It’s funny, because I just did a podcast about this very subject tonight, as well as a few unexpected things in the process.

I’ve been asked about the backlash of sharing my mental health struggles, and how I deal with those things. I also get asked if I’m ever afraid of how being so open about them could negatively affect my livelihood, and how I would react to that as well. The simplest way to start, is to say that I started to share my story and struggles in hopes that it would save a life. That’s where it all started, and I had the duel purpose of helping me sort out myself.

People don’t like to talk about mental health issues; it’s not something that people can see, usually, and honestly, it’s not something that people who don’t deal with it can understand. Yes, I’m aware that having come out and say that I’ve had a few suicidal episodes, that it has opened Pandora’s Box, and yes I understand that it can, and does bring some harsh judgement with it. Truth be told, I’ve yet to deal with someone who’s actually had something negative to my face about it. Is it because we live in a world with mature adults, full of understanding? No. Could they be afraid to talk to me about it because they think I could go crazy on them? That I can’t answer.

I do notice that there are people in the professional world, who seem to lack a bit of maturity when dealing with a co-worker, like at Wal-Mart, and I remember observing the same when I worked at Kmart, so before anybody thinks that I’m mentioning specific people, I’m not. I also notice that there are few that actually have the courage to say something to somebody’s face. Society doesn’t tend to like one-on-one confrontation. In a way I guess that could be a survivalist way to go about the day, because you never know who’s having that one bad day that could turn into something far worse.

Back to the story at hand; yes, I’m aware that I opened Pandora’s Box, and to be honest I’m glad that I’m open about it. It’s given me such a wheel to start a dialogue with people who are afraid to speak up about their struggles with depression, and the other uncomfortable emotions that can go with that. I know that people tend to focus on the negative, but my story isn’t about where I was, it’s about how I survived. That’s one thing I think people should try to understand about me, I survived.

People have said that they’ve thought about taking their own lives before, and I know that it isn’t uncommon to have that glimmer even for a moment, and not taking that away from anybody struggling with those thoughts, it becomes a different story when it’s been reoccurring since I was seven. I survived, and I’m better than I was. So, I have no shame in the choice to be open about it, and I never will, again.

I had someone confide to me on messenger one time and tell me that it was nice to know that going through those grueling times I came out on top, and it had inspired them to seek the help they needed. There it was, the reward I got for writing about it, and talking openly about it, someone had sought the help they needed. That is exactly the reason I do what I do. People copy and paste on Facebook about doing buddy checks to know who they could talk to, or to show that they are an option. I stopped copying and pasting, and simply replay, that is why I do what I do. Those friends who I respond too already know what the CK Project is about, some of them where there while I was in the bad spots.

This is more than a copy and paste to me. By the time I was a year into my absence of work, seven people that I knew, or knew someone I was associated with had killed themselves. People will never know how bad I felt knowing this, I had distant family members pass this way, people I liked, and I felt worse because I had thought that way. This is why I do what I do, because I saved someone from over dosing on pills, and I was able to help talk them down and get them the help they needed. I felt like Superman. I felt like the figures I had looked up to my entire life, the characters who had helped me build the strong ethic and moral code that I live by. I saved a life that day.

Sure people are critical, and they think that I should keep my “issues” silent, but why would I ever do that when I saved a life? Can the critics honestly say that? Can they say they chose to listen and help someone off the ledge of the building that could have costed someone their very essence in this world? This is why I do what I do. This is a purpose that I honestly feel I was put on this Earth for. I’m here to help and inspire people, and that’s what I’ve been doing for the better part of eight years now. That way when I saved the first person from making a bad decision.

Everything else came along as I grew and evolved, even when I had my break down, all that ever did was make me stronger in the end. It took that period at “rock bottom” to help me develop what I needed to be motivated, and take initiative to find out who I truly was. While I don’t have the powers of a comic book hero, my gift is that I’m wiling to stand up and be brave enough to reach out a hand in friendship and guidance. Being someone who’s gone through hell and come out the other side, has given me a bit of insight and understanding on the struggles in life.

I think it’s human nature to be self destructive, and it takes so much work to get out of that habit. So, I’ll stand here and say it as loud as possible, I’m Chris Keeling, and I’m a survivor of having self hatred and self destructive tendencies. How can I help?

Goals

This week, turned into something quite amazing with the amount of progress that’s been made this week. The things I set out to do a few years ago are starting to pay off.

Just like anything else in life, you should strive to achieve your goals. As my readers know, I have a film production company, and with that I’m excited to announce that we have moved onto pre-production for our next feature. Unexpected Side Trip has been something we’ve been working towards getting out of development since last year. It’s going to be the first time we work on a thriller. To be honest, this wasn’t really somewhere I ever thought I was going to go as a storyteller.

I had the realization yesterday that every project I’ve done has taught me a valuable lesson. When we started out doing brief thirty-second clips it was more of getting familiar with the operations, but when we finally progressed to do Appreciate What You’ve Got(2017) we learned what it was like to actually do a production. It was a huge learning experience since we’d never casted actors, and I never actually ran a crew before. It was the first time getting our feet wet in doing films.

Nash Gray(2017) was the first time I creatively collaborated with someone on a story. I did and will always appreciate my friend Ed Smith for giving me some wonderful characters to work with, and I thank him for taking up the mantel of Nash Gray. The biggest lesson I took way from this was learning what an actual production felt like. We worked on filming for a month, and far less of the duties actually fell on me as I had Celeste come in and be the cinematographer. The fact that she had experience in that department, allowed me to be a director, and that was my sole role. It was refreshing, and it reassured me that being a director was what I was meant to do. Dealing with a bigger crew, more locations, and a bigger cast presented its own sets of challenges, and it was fun to have had sets built to help complete the movie at hand.

The Reunion(2019) was by far the easiest of all the shoots. For one thing, I was blessed to have casted two actors who were very professional, and in an environment that favored the most laid back experience ever. It ended up being a script that I based off of one one of my creative writing assignments, and was fun to play around with. The lesson that I had with this project was more about using post effects in Adobe After Effects. While learning a complex program, which I have still yet to even crack the surface, I was able to start a basic animated title sequence, and add effects to the footage itself.

Now we’re pushing through with Unexpected Side Trip and with everything I have planned, I foresee the lesson is going to come in the form of distribution. Getting this out to festivals has always been the main goal since I adapted this from one of Ed’s short stories. We had gotten our location scouting done over the weekend, and I was able to take my son out to meet our contacts and teach him a bit about how to be professional in meetings like this.

Besides doing the film thing, I’ve also been spending time working on the other brands that I’ve created. The Geekultural Experience is getting ready to go to Wonder Con at the end of this week, and we are getting business cards to take and present while we’re out there. It’s exciting because at it is the third and final brand that we started, we’ve got logos designed and being worked on, and looking at what kind of merchandise we’d like to put it on. Pod casting has become the latest part of this brand, and we’re still feeling our way around, and we hope that it will gain more listeners as we go.

Speaking of merchandise, the daddy of all the brands, The CK Project is looking at getting some t-shirts and leggings to be released soon, plus we’re also looking at getting coffee mugs produced as well. I’m so excited as this has brought another level of creativity to my life, and I’ve already had people speak to me of their level of interest in such things. We also started a pod cast, which seems to have been received very well so far, and I’ve got people whom are wanting to get more involved with some of the subject matter that gets presented.

In the end this is all still a very new work in progress, and I can’t wait to see where it all takes me, and my family with the growth that’s been going on. Between all that, and my workouts, I achieved something that I never was sure I would be able too: Not have to deal with depression. I know that’s kind of weird to say, but keeping myself so busy has been the best way to stay away from the negative thoughts. I’ve been focusing more on the weight loss aspect because I don’t feel insecure about things like I used too. I know that it’s still there, just not popping up like it used too.

If you read this, and decide you’d like to know more about what we do, or have something you’d like to hear or see discussed, please feel free to drop a line.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

The One-Sixty Point

So, I stepped on the scale the other day to do my weigh-in update, and I was fully clothed and I couldn’t process the number of 271.2 pounds. For a minute I couldn’t think about if I had lost or gained weight. I replaced the batteries because they were low, and took off my shoes to check in again and saw 269.9. I even checked it three more times. Yep, I lost more weight, six pounds as a matter of fact. It was strange that I couldn’t fathom the thought that I had lost that much in such a short amount of time.

Even more craziness is the fact that I haven’t been this weight since we first moved to California in 1997. It’s like I finally shedded off all the stress weight that had haunted me from the last nineteen years. Could this be part of the next part of a new phase for my life? My depression has been under better control than ever before, and life is taking off in unexpected directions.

I’m in a pants size that I hadn’t been in since high school, and that’s even more incredible. I find that funny that as I’ve lost weight, the places that I’ve lost inches and changed shape in areas that I wasn’t quite expecting. I guess that’s why twenty-two years ago, things hung on me different than they do now. Different movements, exercises, it’s crazy. Though I think it’s far different now, because experience has given me a different look at being disciplined  in life, and how my values have changed.

Today things are different because I’ve found the path in life that I wanted to take. I mean I knew at a young age that I wanted to eventually be a father. Yes, it’s not been easy, especially since my eldest child is way too much like me, and we’ve often times butted heads because of it. I never regretted having children, and they are everything to me. I love them, even the one who isn’t my blood, she’s a great kid, even if we struggle with some of her experiences in her early childhood. I’m not sure the want of kids because I was raised an only child, I do wonder if that could be why?

I think the decisions to becoming a filmmaker, and in turn a blogger, and then a podcaster was the focus I needed in order to embrace that which made me, who I was, both good and bad. I’ve added the layers to help become the person I am.

Becoming a director and to tell stories was given because it was a skill that I ended up developing when I was younger and telling stories. It’s the outlet I always needed, as I’ve been involved in various forms of entertainment since I was in grade school. Writing was something that I discovered that I enjoy as well.

Dealing with depression and viewing others experiences, and losses had lead me to blog about my struggles, as a means to help express myself, and always had the hope that others would find some sort of enlightenment from it. I’ll admit that wasn’t the only motivation to blog. The other reason was that I wanted to become a better writer, and apply that to my scripts. So far, I think that it’s come along quite aways. Again, I have no regrets in that decision.

I had the idea of becoming a podcaster for a while. It was always one of those ideas that I had in the back of my mind and we had toyed with it a couple of times before we found a solution that would work for us to present our material. As we go along, we’ll get better and develop better techniques. Again, hosting has been an idea that I wanted to do.

160 pounds down, and it feels that life is just really starting to take off. It motivates me to get more done. Life is getting better, and I’m always glad that people have taken to joining me on this journey. It really gives me a sense of validation, and I have a few who have been more than vocal about the changes they see. The praises are more than humbling, and it drives me to do even better.

I had no real direction, and I had to find a point to start to put my life back together. If you ever feel that way, the first thing I would suggest is take a long hard look at yourself, and ask the question, “why do I feel this way?” It’s not always an easy answer, and sometimes it ends up being a bitter pill to swallow when the answer smacks you in the face, but don’t deny it. It’s easy to be in denial about oneself, I’ve been there a few times, at least. If you can get over the ego, and the pride, you will grow. I think that self improvement is the only way to better themselves. The key to find myself was to invest in myself, and it’s gotten so much better.

With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

First Blog 2019.

I originally had started a blog about the new year, and how we shouldn’t look at it as a time for a fresh start. The truth is life is about ten percent of what happens to you. The other ninety is how you choose to react to it.

With that being said, I’ve found myself in a very emotional place over the weekend. My mother had a fall off of a ladder while taking down Christmas lights, and fractured her skull. She has multiply contusions and bruised her brain. I found myself looking at her in the bed, and I felt uncomfortable, and I was scared for my mother.

If it would have been my father, I could have handled it. We’ve been in that situation before. He had a heart attack in 1996, so mentally I would have been prepared for that. I was there when my dad was having neck surgery, and so I was even more prepared for that. This I couldn’t have ever imagine.

With everything that I went through with my wife, I think I could have been prepared for her in this situation. We’ve gone through her having a concussion and ending up in the emergency room. Through two pregnancies, and the various health scares, I would have been prepared for her, but not my mom.

Since this incident happened on Friday, January fourth, it’s all been a waiting game. I did get news last night, the eighth, that she did sit up, and that she spoke a little, which was good news. This is still going to be a long process, but any good news, brings me hope that this won’t be as bad as it could have been.

The outpour of love and support has been amazing. I truly feel touched by the texts and messages that I’ve received over the weekend, and continue to get on a daily basis. People, ask about how my mom is, and they ask me on how I’m doing. It makes me think on how valid my relationships are.

Though it’s been a rough start to the year, I’m not going to let this incident define my year, and I will just use it as a brief obstacle in my journey. I did miss a few days in my ten thousand step life. Yet, I’m going to be getting back on track for my forty-day step challenge, I’m just going to have to start over again, but I can do this. I’ve done a twelve days as my highest so far.

On the good news, I did my thirteenth month check-up on Saturday and I’m now down 148.1 pounds. It feels good to be 281.8, with a 40.4 BMI. It’s amazing how far I’ve come since I started this process almost a year-and-a-half ago. I’ve got about eighty-five pounds to go before I hit the ultimate goal, but I figure that my next goal is 265. I’m getting there, it may not be as fast as I was, but I’ll keep it going.

I’m not going to let the bad things define the rest of my life, negativity brings too many people down. I know that mentally, I’m a self-sabotage type of person. I’m also having doubt creep up in my mind when I do the various things in my life. I find myself leaning not to be that way, and I’m constantly  learning not to put myself down.

My personal training sessions have taken a different turn as we’ve started circuit training. This is defiantly a different process as now I’m having to learn to push through with a different kind of workout. I felt like I died a few times during my workouts, but it’s good, and yet it sucks at the same time. I will learn to make this type of workout my bitch though.

I’m hoping that this rough patch passes quickly, but I can’t let it keep me down as life goes on. Well, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Ending A Year: 2018

This year ends on positive, and negative notes. This year has been a great year for me. I’ve gone through so many changes both physically and mentally. I’m down 146 pounds, and I’ve had so much positivity that’s come out my way. The support is over whelming, and I’m finishing the year feeling blessed and thankful for the support.

Contradiction is a part of life. You can be happy and mad, nervous and excited. This is part of the complexity of human emotion. I’ve had been supportive to as many people as I could and with that, I’ve also had friends who have gone through loss, or the struggling with family members with poor health, my wife has been included with that.

To those whom are going through these tough times. My heart, love, and positive thoughts are being sent your way. I know that if there was anything more that I could do to help that I would. I’m aware that the support is sometimes enough, but watching the conflict, and the battling of keeping yourself together isn’t always the easy thing in life. Know that as you struggle, I’ve been paying attention, and I’m here to lend a hand in help.

To my wife, I love you, and it’s hard to see you struggle through the pains that have been plaguing you for the last several months. I’m doing my best to try and show you the support to get you through your aches and pains. It’s not always easy as I sometimes get the frustrations taken out towards me. I know that you don’t mean it, and I wish that I could be able to take your pain away. I hope that this part of our journey in life is just a short chapter in our long lives together.

I keep going and staying positive, because that helps me. I know that it’s not always easy in these trying times. It’s a partnership, and sometimes the balance shifts to one side more than the other. Thee was a long time that Sarah had to be the strong one and help get me through the hard times. Now that things are in reverse, all I can do is be the strong one. Sometimes it seems like the impossible, but it’s necessary to be done. “Through sickness and in health”, becomes clearer in those times. The easy thing to do is quit and run away, and there are times where it looks like the better way to go. Yet, I look at everything I put the beautiful woman in my life through, and she’s been to hell and back because of me.

As I look at what she’s going through, I start to see why there are so many people who looses the functions of their body parts, and why they become angry and bitter. Be there, that’s all any of us can do. Show the love and support, sometimes just knowing that there’s a caring person is enough to help get people through the rough times.

The time that we have on this earth is far too short in the end. We need to try and uplift each other, and take care of our fellow life forces. Sometimes things suck, and the best thing to do is make things seem a bit less sucky because we never know when it’ll be the end for us.

To those of you who are struggling, some of you I’m aware of because we’ve talked, other’s I might not know, because there could be shame there. No judgements from me, but if you tell me, I’ll do my best to know that you’ve got someone routing for you. Those who’ve lost loved ones. I’ve known those loved ones and my heart goes out to you because of it. With that, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

Schools Out: Year One

There’s been a lot of things going on with my personal life, that’s kept me distracted and unmotivated from blogging regularly. I got a memory that popped up on Facebook the other day that reminded me that it was my last day, of my last class for school. Shit, that’s crazy to think that I’ve been out of school for a whole year now. It’s like everything I was working for was but a memory, yet I’ve been more satisfied with myself. I did it, and I did it to the best of my ability.

I’m so glad that I was able to go to school for something that I’ve wanted to do for my whole life, and I will continue to pursue it until the end of time. With that, comes plenty of downsides though. The biggest downside to it is self-doubt. It’s something that I think everyone goes through at some point, and right now this is part of my struggle. There are more positives though.

When I get creative, I’m happy, and building a whole world is amazing. Making thoughts tangible is incredible, it’s truly something awe inspiring. The feeling of taking thoughts, and converting them into words, just to see them be acted out by people is exciting. This was something that I truly discovered over a year ago. I’ve learned so much since then about what I feel comfortable doing, in the different positions, and where my creativity has taken me.

Currently, my biggest roadblock is adding special effects in post, while I’m on the right track for getting it done, it’s been a struggle, and I need to buckle down to get it worked out. This is something I would love to add somebody who’s proficient with After Effects to come in and help me get through this. It would be more efficient and I could get it done right.

Now, something I learned about myself creatively is that my origins for starting stories had to come from a place of tragedy, there’s something about coming back from a dark place that appeals to me as a creator. That’s how my first few stories started, that was what got me out of a writer’s block when I first started. Now, I’m in a place where I can find other things that spark my creativity. Watching movies shows me things that I think I want to try something like that. By the way, film school ruined so many movies for me. I watch them and find inconsistencies as a story teller.

Another problem I think I’m discovering is that my thoughts are everywhere, and I can’t seem to keep focus on just one project, instead, I’ve got several projects started and I’ve been working on, now I just need to organize them and focus, at least I’m getting that focus back as I get back to wanting to get things taken care of.

So, my plan is to concentrate on finishing The Reunion and to get Unexpected Side Trip funded so that we can film it and send it off to festivals. This is our start to actually get noticed as a film company. I’ve been trying to network with other film companies, and filmmakers so that we can have a contributing community. I want to learn from others and create something special. Everything that gets creative even if we find it bad or in poor taste, it just isn’t always for us.

This past year has been amazing, not only creatively, but as a person over all. I do feel that I’ve been slacking a bit, but sometimes life deals us curve balls that we just need to learn to deal with. I’m blessed to have the family I have, even in our rough patches, they are the ones I do so much for. There are things that going on that I’m learning to deal with and I look at them as challenges to over come. In the end, I think that my plans are starting to head in the right position and I plan on getting more things going.

Thanks for staying with me through everything. I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.