How Did It Happen?

For a year that had been emotionally and mentally rough on most people, good things can come to those with patience. I for on don’t think that most of the year went too horribly, I found ways to benefit from the pandemic, like staying home kept me in check and refocus on things such as paying off bills.

Mentally I wasn’t completely keeping it together. One of those things I dealt with was dealing with a low-key depression that I hadn’t really realized was there until much later in the year. I wanted to blame it on being on the nightshift for so long, and the fact that the pandemic happened towards the beginning of my time on that shift. I just really didn’t think of what it was that was bothering me.

One of the downsides of me being on nightshift is always that my mind isn’t nice to me, ever. I start getting stupid thoughts of doubt, and loneliness, and it doesn’t do my mental health any good. That’s why I would text people I knew at god awful hours just so that I could feel validated to someone. I did find the experience to growth, from a personal perspective. My opinions on certain aspects on life have been changed, and it’s taken me by surprise.

Mentally, I feel a bit uplifted now. I got a raise at work that I’ve been hoping to get for some time. I also got an opportunity to have a space for a studio, which is something I haven’t thought that I would have for a long time. The positive side is that I can now produce a bit more video content without having to worry about finding the space I would need for some of the stuff I’ve been meaning to do. I think this will be a win for The CK Project and Luckey Bom Films. The Geekultural will be getting some content as well. I’m excited because this has been what I’ve been working towards the last few years.

Mentally, I’m feeling accomplished. I’ve also been changing some eating habits and changing up my physical training regimen, and I’m starting to feel a bit better about that now. I’ve started what is termed as the “cutting phase”, which means that I’m on a modified cabbage diet, as well as doing endurance training. This way I’ll be going leaner and losing weight. I’m looking to drop muscle size as well with high reps, and light weight.

It’s torcher, and also changing my eating habits and being more conscious about how and when I’m eating is starting to feel that I’m feeling better, and not as fat. I think the weirdest part is that I’ve dropped eating my protein bars, that had been my go-to for the last almost three years. I got this, and in truth, I know that it’s going to save me money in the long run.

Part of why I’ve decided to go this route is because I want to start training for a body building competition. I’m not expecting to win anything, however it’s a learning process to help me for when I become a trainer. Not only that, but as an actor, I would like to look a bit better when I’m on screen, and yes I know that it’s partially a vanity thing. Though getting in the best shape of my life will also extend my life, and I like feeling better about myself.

I guess that shows one of those connections between the physical and mental aspects in life. I mean look, make-up and fashion have been playing into this connection for years. It is a multi-billion dollar industry after all. Plus it’s something society has put standards on. It molds the way most people view the world. It can be ugly at times. If you’re over weight, people tend to be judgmental. If you’re under weight, same difference. I often use the quote haters gonna hate. It’s sad, but true.

Remember how I mentioned how I hated nightshift because of where my mind would take me? Yeah, that the words of people wanting to tear me down since I was little. I used to tease my kids when they were little to toughen them up, but as I’ve gotten older, I hope that I’ve gotten wiser to realize that it wasn’t the best approach to parenthood. The intention was out of love and wanting to protect my children.

That’s something that was hard to accept, that as a parent, I can’t protect my children from all the bad in this world. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes we have to just hope that they can find their way and succeed in life. The world isn’t kind, and all we can do as parents is hope that we’ve given them enough tools to manage the ugly that life presents during the various events in our lives.

I feel that my mental health hasn’t always helped me to be a good parent, but I’ve tried my best, given the circumstances at hand. However, the person that I’ve strived to become over the last several years I think is a step in the right direction. The hardworking that I’ve been putting into getting my brands going, I hope is an example of what I’m trying to have my kids learn. I hope that they can learn and become better versions of themselves as well.

I’m sorry that they’ve ever had to see me struggle and suffer from my misplaced anger. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel that I was the parent that they needed, but they know that I love them. I hope that by seeing me at my worst, they can appreciate that I’ve done all that I could to overcome the struggles of poor mental and physical health. They are my world, and I love them. The fact that they can share in my success, and be apart of building something bugger then just who I am, is where I think we’ve found bounding at it’s finest.

This was started last weekend, and being Thanksgiving, I’m going to finish my thoughts:

I was called to come help my father pick my step-mother up from the floor yesterday. The time was about eight-thirty in the morning, and when I had come to assist I had found out that she had been on the floor since about four-in-the-morning. After we had gotten her up, I was told that she needed to get an ultrasound on her legs because the doctor’s think that she may have clots in her legs. Talk about a plot twist that as most people have felt the whole year has been bad, I figured that it hadn’t been that bad, well I guess that I’m having my chips cashed in in the last bit of this year.

I mean if you’ve been following me for some time, then you already know that I don’t believe that a new year, fresh start is in my belief system. I mean things just seem to come in waves at times. Seeing the woman who raised me, look so frail, and just seems to be getting worse since her head trauma from a couple of years ago has got me thinking about how much time she has left. Again, she raised me, and was the only woman I called mom for most of my life, her condition has hit me hard. I’m afraid that I’m going to be losing her soon, and that would just be the exclamation to hit me during these troubled times.

I’m not letting these events drag me down, at least not to anywhere dangerous, but at the same time, I think I’m still trying to figure out what it all means. I know that this month of November has come with it’s own set of mixed blessings, as I’ve gotten almost all my studies done, and I have made forward progress on the filmmaking end of things as we are setting up an area that gives us a bit of space to grow and film. Plus with the meetings every weekend, we’ve been developing something that should keep us busy filming for a majority of the year.

It’s all about taking it one-step-at-a-time. Just like working on self-care, mental health, and everything else in life. Take it all one step, one day-at-a-time.

With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

That Light At the End of the Tunnel

So, I had to call off work today for a few unexpected family things to take care of. All I’ll say about the first thing on the list, was that it was an easy enough fix. The only problem is that I found out about it while I was trying to take care of some paperwork to get a raise at work. So, I’ve had a few things going on today, but nothing incredibly major…

As I was getting the paperwork, I get on to Facebook and see that my half-sister posted that my maternal mother has come down with Covid-19. I had known that my mother had been in and out of the hospital for probably the better part of the last year or so. I had also known that she was getting taken care of in a nursing home, yet somewhere in-between, I don’t think that I was expecting this.

I’ve been in contact with that side of the family for the last eleven-years. It was my sister Barby who had reached out to me on Myspace. Remember when that was the thing? So long ago, huh? It was at this time that I had started to get to know her, my mother, and my brother. I tried to connect, and I tried harder to be a decent big brother, since that was something I’d never done. That’s not completely true, I did take on a big brother roll for Sarah’s siblings, and I tried to treat them the best I could. Yet it was in this situation that things were different.

I do love my half-siblings, and I try to be the best big brother that I can, but as we’ve lived very different lives from each other, I sometimes have found that it was hard to relate to some of their troubles. After all, I was raised by my dad, and step-mom, who’d been the only woman that I was ever known to call mother. Even from a young age, I was aware of who my maternal mother was, yet we never actually connected until I was already thirty-years-old. I’d already lived a good part of my adult years, and have had my own opinion on life without her influence.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s bad, however, I am saying that it makes life a bit different on how I react to things. I’ve made it no secret that I don’t get along with many members of my family, as it is. Though there have been cousins on my dad’s side who’ve come into my life and have shown such love and support, that I’m grateful. These people are showing an uplifting love, and it’s not something I’m used to.

I had a conversation with my half-sister, and I told her now was the time to get closer to family. As I was speaking it to her, I think that I was also speaking it to myself as well. Her, my half-brother David, and some other relatives on that side, I’ve had contacts with. I’m going to do my best to be closer to them. As I was explaining to my sister that I’m not the best staying in contact, especially since I’m creating content, getting an education, and working full-time, as well as trying to be a family man, and maintaining my health. So, I’m aware of how busy I do get.

The strange part is that sometimes I don’t feel like I’m doing enough, and then I get those looks of people who think that I’m slightly crazy because I’m constantly doing something, and I help take care of my family, and their health issues. I’ll admit that I have those days where I just spend time playing video games. I think that’s the time for me to not sweat everything. Sometimes it interferes and causes me to procrastinate. The worst part is that I view movies, television, and video games, as a distraction, and honestly, a waste of time. With that being said, it’s usually something I indulge in after work as a way to relax and unwind…

What’s even crazier is the fact that I am a filmmaker. I just feel that if I indulge too much on watching something or keeping myself distracted, I’m wasting time. I don’t even know if that’s part of me trying to keep myself care in check as well. I feel that there’s too many times that we get distracted from the end goal. While I’ve been trying to get to an end goal, I know that I’ve let little things in life distract me.

However, I’ve been doing somethings lately that I feel will take the things I’ve been working on, to another level, and soon. It’s crazy to know that consistency is key. You hear that all the time through coaches and trainers. I hear it from my buddy AJ Jackson all the time in his Instagram posts. He’s a successful personal trainer, and a talented musician as well. Well, what’s stopping me, you may ask?

As my last blog was about the fear of failure, I think that sometimes I get in my own mind about how success could also change me. The truth is, I struggle with my own insecurities, and at this moment, I finally have hit a switch that has me running on full cylinders, and I’m charged for what’s going to be coming out.

Covid-19 has put a damper on some of the plans we’ve had as a film company, however, we’re in meetings every week. We’re coming up with ideas so that we can come out swinging as soon as restrictions are lightened up and this pandemic ends. The plan is too be busy during my time away from work. With that, I’m expanding my team, so that we can have more time to focus on other areas. I’ve made contact with someone who has an interest in editing, and I hope to make good friends with him, and be able to teach him something about the tricks to editing. That way I could concentrate on the writing and filming, while the editing can be done at about the same time.

That means more time to film, that means more time to create, which in turn, equals a faster turn around to bring out content. The other thing I’m trying to do is add people to the team that would be in the various stages of the whole process. I need some people to take some of the reigns during pre-production, and be involved with out the rest of the production, but I also need people for the specifics on the various stages. I hear my friend and brother Ed in my head, and he keeps telling me to get rid of some of my hats. That’s been difficult to do, because it’s been hard to get rid of certain hats that I don’t want in the first place. I think that I’m going to be finding the right people for this as well.

Getting back onto the topic of what’s going on with my family at the moment, I just would like to remind people that life really is too short. A given example is that my oldest child is nineteen, my middle is almost fifteen, and my youngest is twelve. Where the hell did all that time go? I know that my depression kept me from living life to the fullest for the longest time, but I’m gonna do my best to make it up. As for connecting with the rest of those family members that do wan to have me as a part of their lives, I will do my best to be available and I will be there the best that I can.

As more of the details come forth, I will keep everyone updated. Good or bad. That’s the way I’ve always tried to roll with my audience. Thank you for taking that time out to read the “going-ons” in my life, and as always, I hope that you find some value in what I write. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Feeling of Failure

I went in for another check-up this weekend with West Medical. It’s been two-years and two months since I went through this whole process. I went in and had a gain of six-pounds. That was just from the last check-up last month. I can probably make as many excuses on why that was. One being that they had just moved and probably hadn’t calibrated the scale, two, maybe because I’ve been having issues with my bowls. Yet, I’m not going to make those excuses.

I know that I’m not going to hit a home run every single time that I go in, and being stuck in the same area since May of last year has been frustrating. Plus, I’ve been going to get togethers over the last several weekends and I haven’t kept myself in check with the eating. On top of that this week just wasn’t the best week to get my workouts in.

This was my second week on the nightshift, and it felt a bit more difficult to be adjusted too than the first week. Again, I’m not making excuses, I just know that I need to work harder and stay more consistent with what I’m doing. Hell, my streak for 10,000 plus steps a day finally came to an end as of Sunday. I wasn’t feeling it, and honestly I felt like it was a day to kind of throw myself a bit of a pity party.

It made for a slightly depressed weekend for me, and I know that I’m better than that. I had a brief moment of wanting to give it all up. After working hard for the last two years, I felt it. I’ve been feeling a bit on the fat side lately too, and it hasn’t helped my case at all. As of the Super Bowl, I did get a little carried away on the food again. I didn’t gorge myself like I would have in the past, but I also realize that when I get a bit over full, I become really tired, and that’s not a good sign.

I didn’t do an update picture, or announcement because I’m ashamed that I let myself get carried away. I’ve had a period of weakness, but I’m not done with this journey by a long shot. I am trying to find that determination to pick myself back up and continue on this path which has made me far more happier than I thought I would be.

Like all journeys, we struggle along the way. I find myself in doubt often. With that has come a lot of self-realization. I realize that there’s a lot of phycological baggage that seems to want to weigh me down as I go through this. I also realize that I’m stronger than I think I am. I need to find that balance and get that resolve back.

I look back at all the things that I’ve done, and I see where I am in relation to what I started at. I like pushing myself, I like that feeling that I get after a good workout. I’m liking the way my body looks more and more. I just don’t like the days were I feel fat and unattractive.

That’s something that I find different, is the fact that I actually don’t think I’m ugly like I used to be. Years of negative talk had kept me down. Even when I try to make others feel better about themselves. I think I would be that way to mask the fact that I didn’t like myself so much.

I actually did a podcast on relationships on Saturday night https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA. If you’ve never heard one of my podcasts, please listen. I’d appreciate feedback on the subject of how relationships are never truly equal, and relationships with ourselves change like that too. I notice that once I actually took the time to start investing in myself, that I started liking myself so much more than I had.

Why is it that it seems like we are our own biggest critic? We are our own worst enemy about most decisions in life? I have been surrounded by negative energy my whole life, while I’ve been loved and had positive things as well. It’s the negative that always seems to stick out to me. Is this a way that the mind gets programmed to hove the thoughts that we do? Society isn’t kind to us in that respect, and it’s a shame that we don’t seem to want to treat each other better as a whole.

As I write this, I’m finding something inside of me that wants to keep pushing forward. I’ve got so much that I want to do, and I know that there are things that are preventing me from my utmost potential, for an example, I sprained my ankle a while back and was trying to take it easy, but as I felt that I could work it again, it would pop, and hurt. This was up until one of my last training sessions. Yet, I’m going to get on this and get past my negative, and self-sabotage. I will win, because in the end I don’t have any other option.

It’s funny how much more I feel that I take on for myself, partly it’s because it’s a distraction from being this ball of depression. I get to a point that concentrating on just a few things has gotten me to seem like I have to squeeze other essential parts in between those tasks that I’m already doing.

I have to take care of family, which I would never deny, self-care, and get my creative endeavors going. It sometimes feels like it can be a bit overwhelming, and I know that I do this to myself. It’s gotten better as I used to start things and never get around to completing them. Now, if it’s something I really want to work on, I write it down. Then I’ll see something and it just adds to me adding more projects, and stories. My walking everyday, my working out, is the moment that I work on my temple and spend time in my spiritual world.

I had a hard time actually wanting to write this blog, because I love talking about the good things going on with my weight loss journey. Though I would be be phony if I didn’t talk about the bumps in the road. As I look back at what the CK Project  is, I see how things have changed. I see that it went from just about weight loss, then to mental health, to a hodgepodge of both of those worlds.

This blog has helped me in so many ways as  therapy, and there have been times that things had been going so good, that I had no idea what I was going to write. For those who do follow and read, from the bottom of my heart, I do appreciate you. Sarah, I know that you, as my wife are usually one of those who read them first, as you follow, like and support everything I do. Keep staying with me through this I appreciate it, and I hope you find enlightenment from it. If you have any questions, statements, or whatever, please feel free to reach me at ckproject@zohomail.com. Any interaction is good, and it keeps me wanting to do more, and try to be the tool that will help guide people in their troubled times.

Good or bad, I will keep telling my story, and I’m going to do my best not to be something that I’m not. This is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please, like and subscribe.

 

 

Life With Unmotivated Words

So, seventeen days have passed since my last blog. Motivation has mostly eluded me as I’ve been dealing with life’s issues of varying degrees. I know that I need to get myself in the right mind set, and I’m putting myself back on track today.

It’s funny because I set my goal to get back on the right path on Friday and I’m sticking to that commitment. Time to kick even more ass as I head closer to my one year anniversary of my surgery.

Before I continue, I find it funny how the levels of motivation seem to change. While life had been going on, my writing has fallen behind, but my weight loss journey has been moving forward really well.  I’m shrugging it off and am putting more dedication to the other aspects of my life. I need those outlets to help me keep myself more sane.

Today I ended up staying home and helping the wife out with her recovery from the procedure she had yesterday. That meant that I had to take the kid, who wasn’t sick, to school today. I feel good that I was able to get in my personal training session. It was good to get some time and focus on my journey to better help. It’s one of the things that I require in my life to find a balance. Which is something else that I find kind of funny that I’ve become dependent on things to help me keep peace in my soul.

I finally started on my slasher script, and while I had a few pages on paper, I’m eager to see where I take this story. I’m taking my time to write it, because I want this to be the best writing I’ve done so far, even if that’s the way I feel about every piece I write. The creative process has been a saving grace of mine for the last several years, and I’m discovering that I shouldn’t put it off. Every time I do, I feel a bit off, though, working out is also part of it as well.

I’ve been getting colder as the days get shorter, I guess that’s part of where the weight loss has been negative, but fitting in a 2x shirt has made things well worth the journey so far. Although the hanging skin is something that I want to go away at some point. Though  the things I can do with it does make people laugh. I’ll be ready to get rid of the wizard sleeves after my journey changes from losing to maintaining.

I was able to see my friend at The Great Western War. She recently had the surgery and was looking great. She told me that everyone had been telling her how much her attitude had changed. She said that she didn’t realize how much happier she was. I was telling her that I agreed, that I noticed that having the surgery changed me like that as well.

It’s funny how much the mind, and body really align with each other. When one is off, so is the other usually. That’s where over compensation tends to come in. For me it was putting on the ego, and having the over the top personality. While the ego’s fading away with real confidence, I don’t think my personality has changed. Though I do feel like I’m quieter over all. I take more time to speak and not let my emotions get the best of me anymore, or at least I try not too.

I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.