Winning with Failure

I recently applied for a job, that I thought I had in the bag. I was told why I didn’t get it, and I accept that. I had this feeling that it might not have been the way for my life to be headed. I was looking forward to working with one of my best friends, however, I think that I have to pressure other avenues.

I know that rejection is one of the hardest things for anyone having to deal with it. It keeps people from growing, and trying new things. The fear keeps people trying to keep things the same. People who have depression probably have it the worst, especially since the “darker times”, self-worth is at it’s lowest. I’ve been there.

Some people can’t handle criticism either, which is different than rejection, yet can at times feel the same. I know that from my own personal experience, I prefer criticism over rejection, as I’ve found that criticism makes for a great teacher for improvement. I guess that rejection can end up being the same kind of teacher.

At times, criticism can be hard to handle, especially if it’s something on the character of a person. I’ve had issues hearing about how stubborn that I can be. I mean, I know that I’m stubborn, I just don’t need it pointed out. All joking aside though, it’s about self-improvement. I think that my over compensation of insecurity by having an ego, was perhaps one of the hardest pills to swallow. I think this is my biggest downfall, as I’m stubborn, and usually don’t want to hear it.

All these criticisms and rejections can be a bit much to handle, yet as one to try and find a silver lining in most situations, I suggest turning the perspective around and really see where the improvement can be made. I was fortunate enough to know the person doing the job interview, and I didn’t take it personally, I just wanted to know what I could do to improve. That person told me, and now that I will do much better when I decide to pursue different avenues.

Remember that life has so many opportunities to grow. I’ve spent the better part of the last six-years trying to become someone better than I was. For the most part, I think that’s true. I still have my moments of doubt, which is funny because it hits a bit different now. I think the biggest thing that still gets me is that I have those days where I see myself at that four-hundred-and-thirty-pound person that I was.

I think that we are our biggest enemies. We criticize ourselves into thinking that we’re not good enough. We reject the notion that we’re worthy of anything good. I think that is where an inflated ego comes from, at times. I know that I went on doing that as a way to shield myself from the way I truly saw myself inside. Self acceptance was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

The way we think and realizing that we need to find a better way to view things is even harder. Our relationships, not only with ourselves, but with others can often be affected. I know people who “can do no wrong” and that “it’s everybody else’s fault”. That’s often the hardest type of person anyone can deal with. I’ll admit, that while I’ve grown to accept myself, I’ll even say that my relationship with who I am has improved, I wouldn’t want to actually hang around anyone completely like me. I have those friends, who do enjoy my company, and I’m thankful for that more than they’ll ever know, because I drive myself crazy at times.

I think that’s why my oldest and I clash at times. She is her “daddy’s girl”. I love her, because she’s smart, kind, and I feel that she’s probably a better person than I’ll ever be, but God damn, if she doesn’t frustrate me with her stubbornness. It’s her razor sharp wit that gets me. I find it to be one of the greatest things, yet I get frustrated because I would respond the same way at things. She’s got a passion that drives her interests in her life, and I couldn’t think of anything better.

I hope that by my example, that my children can learn to turn rejection and criticism into something positive. I hope that from my mistakes as a parent, they can become better than I ever was. I think that’s a desire that most parents have, to have their children become better, and do better than we ever did.

Coming back to the point of rejection, another way it cam be positive, is by rejecting our past selves. I reject the fact that I was an addict to self-medicating with food. I reject that I was close minded to other ideas and thought when I was younger. I get into my own head more often then I care to admit, but I reject being a prisoner there. I did so much damage to myself with an environment that tried to break me and end my life. The environment was inside my head. Yes, there were more factors coming from external negative energies, but I had to learn to process what was going on.

Update:

Since I started the final cut of The Driver Episode One: Handle Your Business, Mr. Ballenger(2020), I realized that failure really is something that can make us all better. I’m not saying that I failed at bringing it out, on the contrary, I just see that what I can do better, and we, as a company can do better. I believe that’s the way things should be no matter the circumstance that might happen in life. I call it finding the silver linings, I know that it might sound a bit of a cliche, however it’s the best way to help survive.

I know that’s how I’ve been coping with our current situation in life. I’ve heard so much about how people feel oppressed, and we should be able to do whatever we need to do for our own sanity and economy. I look at it like this. I’m not looking at the negative, I look at it like this: I’ve saved so much money since I’ve had to stay home. As a matter of fact, I’ve been able to pay off some of my bills during this time.

Yes, I miss going to the movies, and I miss going out of town to do window shopping or getting things that I can’t in my town, yet I have saved money. To me, it’s about finding where the priorities lie. I have family members that compromised immune systems, and I put my focus into other things, that have helped me tolerate my time at home.

I think working the nightshift helped me not worry about most of this pandemic, because I had not been wide awake most of the time being on a nighttime schedule. However, I had experienced some relaxed restrictions and did take a trip out of town a few weeks ago. It felt weird, and in a way that made me think that it wasn’t going to be normal in the way we used to have it. I think we’re into a point where we’ll be having a new normal once all is over.

In the end, we all need to look at the opportunities, especially the negative, and see if we can find a positive answer to all that we can get from this. Remember, I commonly use the ten-percent to ninety-percent ratio on how life’s out of your control, compared to how you react to it. Once that point of view is taken into consideration, it seems that life becomes that much easier to handle.

I know that the blogs are still lagging a bit, but I’m going to attempt to bring them out more often once again. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

The Feeling of Failure

I went in for another check-up this weekend with West Medical. It’s been two-years and two months since I went through this whole process. I went in and had a gain of six-pounds. That was just from the last check-up last month. I can probably make as many excuses on why that was. One being that they had just moved and probably hadn’t calibrated the scale, two, maybe because I’ve been having issues with my bowls. Yet, I’m not going to make those excuses.

I know that I’m not going to hit a home run every single time that I go in, and being stuck in the same area since May of last year has been frustrating. Plus, I’ve been going to get togethers over the last several weekends and I haven’t kept myself in check with the eating. On top of that this week just wasn’t the best week to get my workouts in.

This was my second week on the nightshift, and it felt a bit more difficult to be adjusted too than the first week. Again, I’m not making excuses, I just know that I need to work harder and stay more consistent with what I’m doing. Hell, my streak for 10,000 plus steps a day finally came to an end as of Sunday. I wasn’t feeling it, and honestly I felt like it was a day to kind of throw myself a bit of a pity party.

It made for a slightly depressed weekend for me, and I know that I’m better than that. I had a brief moment of wanting to give it all up. After working hard for the last two years, I felt it. I’ve been feeling a bit on the fat side lately too, and it hasn’t helped my case at all. As of the Super Bowl, I did get a little carried away on the food again. I didn’t gorge myself like I would have in the past, but I also realize that when I get a bit over full, I become really tired, and that’s not a good sign.

I didn’t do an update picture, or announcement because I’m ashamed that I let myself get carried away. I’ve had a period of weakness, but I’m not done with this journey by a long shot. I am trying to find that determination to pick myself back up and continue on this path which has made me far more happier than I thought I would be.

Like all journeys, we struggle along the way. I find myself in doubt often. With that has come a lot of self-realization. I realize that there’s a lot of phycological baggage that seems to want to weigh me down as I go through this. I also realize that I’m stronger than I think I am. I need to find that balance and get that resolve back.

I look back at all the things that I’ve done, and I see where I am in relation to what I started at. I like pushing myself, I like that feeling that I get after a good workout. I’m liking the way my body looks more and more. I just don’t like the days were I feel fat and unattractive.

That’s something that I find different, is the fact that I actually don’t think I’m ugly like I used to be. Years of negative talk had kept me down. Even when I try to make others feel better about themselves. I think I would be that way to mask the fact that I didn’t like myself so much.

I actually did a podcast on relationships on Saturday night https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA. If you’ve never heard one of my podcasts, please listen. I’d appreciate feedback on the subject of how relationships are never truly equal, and relationships with ourselves change like that too. I notice that once I actually took the time to start investing in myself, that I started liking myself so much more than I had.

Why is it that it seems like we are our own biggest critic? We are our own worst enemy about most decisions in life? I have been surrounded by negative energy my whole life, while I’ve been loved and had positive things as well. It’s the negative that always seems to stick out to me. Is this a way that the mind gets programmed to hove the thoughts that we do? Society isn’t kind to us in that respect, and it’s a shame that we don’t seem to want to treat each other better as a whole.

As I write this, I’m finding something inside of me that wants to keep pushing forward. I’ve got so much that I want to do, and I know that there are things that are preventing me from my utmost potential, for an example, I sprained my ankle a while back and was trying to take it easy, but as I felt that I could work it again, it would pop, and hurt. This was up until one of my last training sessions. Yet, I’m going to get on this and get past my negative, and self-sabotage. I will win, because in the end I don’t have any other option.

It’s funny how much more I feel that I take on for myself, partly it’s because it’s a distraction from being this ball of depression. I get to a point that concentrating on just a few things has gotten me to seem like I have to squeeze other essential parts in between those tasks that I’m already doing.

I have to take care of family, which I would never deny, self-care, and get my creative endeavors going. It sometimes feels like it can be a bit overwhelming, and I know that I do this to myself. It’s gotten better as I used to start things and never get around to completing them. Now, if it’s something I really want to work on, I write it down. Then I’ll see something and it just adds to me adding more projects, and stories. My walking everyday, my working out, is the moment that I work on my temple and spend time in my spiritual world.

I had a hard time actually wanting to write this blog, because I love talking about the good things going on with my weight loss journey. Though I would be be phony if I didn’t talk about the bumps in the road. As I look back at what the CK Project  is, I see how things have changed. I see that it went from just about weight loss, then to mental health, to a hodgepodge of both of those worlds.

This blog has helped me in so many ways as  therapy, and there have been times that things had been going so good, that I had no idea what I was going to write. For those who do follow and read, from the bottom of my heart, I do appreciate you. Sarah, I know that you, as my wife are usually one of those who read them first, as you follow, like and support everything I do. Keep staying with me through this I appreciate it, and I hope you find enlightenment from it. If you have any questions, statements, or whatever, please feel free to reach me at ckproject@zohomail.com. Any interaction is good, and it keeps me wanting to do more, and try to be the tool that will help guide people in their troubled times.

Good or bad, I will keep telling my story, and I’m going to do my best not to be something that I’m not. This is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please, like and subscribe.