I’m out of town with a friend today with a friend who’s going in to have some tests done because he’ll be going through the gastric sleeve surgery in a couple of months. To say that I’m excited for him, is an understatement, as I know how much his life is going to change. We are standing out of town for the night as he has to be at the doctor’s office at five-thirty in the morning. I will be his ride home from his endoscopy.
We went out to dinner and decided to go for a walk to get some steps in, but the best part is when we got back to the motel, I checked out the pool. It had a warmer temperature then I was expecting, and I decided to go for a swim. Something I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned in my blogs is that I’m a fan of swimming. If there’s one activity that I love, it’s the fact that I love swimming more than anything else. I would do it all day, everyday.
I haven’t gone swimming since I had my surgery, and I was glad that I had the opportunity to do so. It was the best feeling in the world to feel my body surrounded by water. I’m someone that loves to be anywhere that my feet aren’t touching the solid ground. I love the water, and I love flying. Even though I spend my time more on the ground, any chance I get I’ll go to the water, or air.
The better part was that as I was swimming, I loved the way I felt. I felt so much stronger in the water. I haven’t felt quite like that since I was at my peak condition in the tenth grade. It felt amazing to push myself through the water and just keep going without being tired. I felt like a machine crawling through the water. I miss that feeling. It’s surprising how free I feel being in the water. I spent most of my childhood around the water. The ocean in specific. I remember going to the beaches in Okinawa as a boy and spending all day in the water.
I officially learned to swim in fourth or fifth grade, and I never went back. The pool was huge, and the diving board was high. It felt like twenty feet deep, and the board seems just as high. I jumped off that board, and I would dive have way down to depth of the pool. I don’t even know how deep or high it really was, but I loved it.
I have so many great memories surrounding a pool. I remember how I would spend most of my summer having out at the pool. I would swim and check out the girls. I remember the girlfriends that I made while hanging at the pool. I remember the girl I first fell in love with. The friendships I had made during that time.
Again, I wish I could go find a pool and swim everyday. I find peace in the water surrounding my body. It’s another way that I feel that I connect spiritually. This is something I find myself discovering more; my spirituality. I don’t really have time for organized religion, as I’ve come to question most things about it, but believing in some higher power is there, and I’m finding my connection with the spirit more and more.
To quote a friend, he once said to me,”religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell, spirituality is for those who’ve already been there.” It’s amazing how much something like that can connect with the soul. I find myself realizing that water is part of that connection between me and the spiritual world.
The experience from tonight’s swim has given me some time to reflect on the way I’ve been feeling. I feel like the water has washed over some of the doubts, and negative feelings that I’ve been having gnawing at my mind lately. The rush of the water surrounding me as I was gliding through the water felt like a baptism of renewed positivity. It was something that I didn’t know that I really needed.
I’ve been the positive person in front of people, motivating, and keeping my physical self in the process of getting better. There are other things that I’ve not been in sync with for sometime. I still struggle with my confidence. It’s gotten so much better, but there are those days that I still feel like that person who was 430 pounds. I have the days I feel fat, and unattractive. I realize that it sounds silly, but I think we all have those days.
That’s not to say that I have those days very often, but I know that it comes up during times of higher stress. There are factors both of my own design and outside that have been putting me at a slightly elevated. The positive thing is that I’m trying to take the steps that are needed to reduce those factors from influencing me. That means that when I’m successful in what direction I’m heading in, there will be some major changes coming and I have to be prepared for them to happen. Some of these changes could dramatically alter the future for my family. Some are changes that are minor, but will make me a better person for.
I’m looking forward to seeing my hard work pay off, and I welcome the journey that will get me there. It’s never really the beginning or the end that shows us the things we need to know and learn. It’s the journey that gets us there. The struggles, the times where we feel like we want to just break down and give up. I’d been there many times. I wanted to say that I’m done, what’s the use of trying. This was the way I was before I started to change. I had to fight with myself, and I had to keep fighting with myself to keep going.
It really sucks when you give into those thoughts about not being good enough. When feeling like you don’t belong. That’s something that I think the water helped me understand tonight. I needed to let go of the doubt, and just let things happen. I need to believe that I will continue to get the good things that I speak. I am worth that damn.
Life gets complex as I have been filled with these doubts, I’ve also been rewarded by seeing the positive influence that I’ve had on people around me. I would say that the influence of one or two people was good, however I’ve been seeing it more and more lately. Double digits at that, and now I’m in awe that I’ve started something that makes me happy and continues to fill me with such a great joy.
Even with the doubts and struggles, it reminds me that I’m living the best me. I shouldn’t have the doubt that I do, and I matter. I think that’s something many of us strive to have, the feeling of making a difference in the world. So far, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do, and I will continue doing it for as long as I can. Why? Because people matter to me, and seeing the struggles just makes that more cemented in my mind that I want to help make that difference.
Please, like and subscribe to my blog. It helps to remind me that I’m doing the job that I set out to do. You can follow the CK Project podcast at https://anchor.fm/CkProject. Like and subscribe to that too. I love to know that people are paying attention. Plus it helps let other people know that someone actually pays attention, and then it just snowballs into a bigger ball, and soon I’ll be able to do more with the brand. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.