That Light At the End of the Tunnel

So, I had to call off work today for a few unexpected family things to take care of. All I’ll say about the first thing on the list, was that it was an easy enough fix. The only problem is that I found out about it while I was trying to take care of some paperwork to get a raise at work. So, I’ve had a few things going on today, but nothing incredibly major…

As I was getting the paperwork, I get on to Facebook and see that my half-sister posted that my maternal mother has come down with Covid-19. I had known that my mother had been in and out of the hospital for probably the better part of the last year or so. I had also known that she was getting taken care of in a nursing home, yet somewhere in-between, I don’t think that I was expecting this.

I’ve been in contact with that side of the family for the last eleven-years. It was my sister Barby who had reached out to me on Myspace. Remember when that was the thing? So long ago, huh? It was at this time that I had started to get to know her, my mother, and my brother. I tried to connect, and I tried harder to be a decent big brother, since that was something I’d never done. That’s not completely true, I did take on a big brother roll for Sarah’s siblings, and I tried to treat them the best I could. Yet it was in this situation that things were different.

I do love my half-siblings, and I try to be the best big brother that I can, but as we’ve lived very different lives from each other, I sometimes have found that it was hard to relate to some of their troubles. After all, I was raised by my dad, and step-mom, who’d been the only woman that I was ever known to call mother. Even from a young age, I was aware of who my maternal mother was, yet we never actually connected until I was already thirty-years-old. I’d already lived a good part of my adult years, and have had my own opinion on life without her influence.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s bad, however, I am saying that it makes life a bit different on how I react to things. I’ve made it no secret that I don’t get along with many members of my family, as it is. Though there have been cousins on my dad’s side who’ve come into my life and have shown such love and support, that I’m grateful. These people are showing an uplifting love, and it’s not something I’m used to.

I had a conversation with my half-sister, and I told her now was the time to get closer to family. As I was speaking it to her, I think that I was also speaking it to myself as well. Her, my half-brother David, and some other relatives on that side, I’ve had contacts with. I’m going to do my best to be closer to them. As I was explaining to my sister that I’m not the best staying in contact, especially since I’m creating content, getting an education, and working full-time, as well as trying to be a family man, and maintaining my health. So, I’m aware of how busy I do get.

The strange part is that sometimes I don’t feel like I’m doing enough, and then I get those looks of people who think that I’m slightly crazy because I’m constantly doing something, and I help take care of my family, and their health issues. I’ll admit that I have those days where I just spend time playing video games. I think that’s the time for me to not sweat everything. Sometimes it interferes and causes me to procrastinate. The worst part is that I view movies, television, and video games, as a distraction, and honestly, a waste of time. With that being said, it’s usually something I indulge in after work as a way to relax and unwind…

What’s even crazier is the fact that I am a filmmaker. I just feel that if I indulge too much on watching something or keeping myself distracted, I’m wasting time. I don’t even know if that’s part of me trying to keep myself care in check as well. I feel that there’s too many times that we get distracted from the end goal. While I’ve been trying to get to an end goal, I know that I’ve let little things in life distract me.

However, I’ve been doing somethings lately that I feel will take the things I’ve been working on, to another level, and soon. It’s crazy to know that consistency is key. You hear that all the time through coaches and trainers. I hear it from my buddy AJ Jackson all the time in his Instagram posts. He’s a successful personal trainer, and a talented musician as well. Well, what’s stopping me, you may ask?

As my last blog was about the fear of failure, I think that sometimes I get in my own mind about how success could also change me. The truth is, I struggle with my own insecurities, and at this moment, I finally have hit a switch that has me running on full cylinders, and I’m charged for what’s going to be coming out.

Covid-19 has put a damper on some of the plans we’ve had as a film company, however, we’re in meetings every week. We’re coming up with ideas so that we can come out swinging as soon as restrictions are lightened up and this pandemic ends. The plan is too be busy during my time away from work. With that, I’m expanding my team, so that we can have more time to focus on other areas. I’ve made contact with someone who has an interest in editing, and I hope to make good friends with him, and be able to teach him something about the tricks to editing. That way I could concentrate on the writing and filming, while the editing can be done at about the same time.

That means more time to film, that means more time to create, which in turn, equals a faster turn around to bring out content. The other thing I’m trying to do is add people to the team that would be in the various stages of the whole process. I need some people to take some of the reigns during pre-production, and be involved with out the rest of the production, but I also need people for the specifics on the various stages. I hear my friend and brother Ed in my head, and he keeps telling me to get rid of some of my hats. That’s been difficult to do, because it’s been hard to get rid of certain hats that I don’t want in the first place. I think that I’m going to be finding the right people for this as well.

Getting back onto the topic of what’s going on with my family at the moment, I just would like to remind people that life really is too short. A given example is that my oldest child is nineteen, my middle is almost fifteen, and my youngest is twelve. Where the hell did all that time go? I know that my depression kept me from living life to the fullest for the longest time, but I’m gonna do my best to make it up. As for connecting with the rest of those family members that do wan to have me as a part of their lives, I will do my best to be available and I will be there the best that I can.

As more of the details come forth, I will keep everyone updated. Good or bad. That’s the way I’ve always tried to roll with my audience. Thank you for taking that time out to read the “going-ons” in my life, and as always, I hope that you find some value in what I write. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Alone with My Thoughts

While everything’s going well, there are those days that the negative thoughts cross my mind. I had an issue the other night while being left alone at work. The strange part isn’t that there’s anything wrong, but I started fixating on past decisions, and possible choices that I’m in the process of doing. It was followed by a bit of depression.

On the plus side, self harm was never part of the thought process, but it just made for a slightly rough night. The other part was that it’s caused me to feel a bit off for the weekend, and I’m not completely sure why. That’s one of those problems that comes with depression, you can’t always know what it is that starts an episode.

I guess that part of what has set me off is that fact that I’ve also been feeling a bit on the fat side lately. I know that sounds crazy since I’ve lost so much weight, but it happens sometimes. I was talking to a friend and he said that it could take up to seven years to get out of that mind set.

One of the other issues that has come up is the fact that I’ve seemed to hit a plateau again. I’m very aware that this is all apart of the weight loss process, and that it’s about the ups and downs, yet it still gets a bit discouraging. This however will not stop me from continuing the journey or the progress that I’ve started so long ago.

When I started this blog, it was last weekend; around May twenty-second. It was in the last have of the No Zero Day May challenge, with at least thirty minutes of activity a day. While I haven’t done 10,000 steps everyday, I did manage to get in at least the minimum activity. So much so, that most days I seemed to go beyond the minimum requirements that had be presented as the challenge. I upped my game by attempting to average about five miles a day, and I was mostly successful with that. Within the last few weeks, I had also started doing wall push-ups. Sam, my personal trainer said that doing 100 push-ups a day, in any form would help me get better at it. So, I’ve also been getting those in, and this last week, I added doing about 100 Squats. It’s added a bit more to my working out, and doing those exercises has challenged me.

With all these added activities that I’m doing, I’m really starting to realize how important rest days are. As I got to the latter part of this week, the push-ups and squats were really starting to be a challenge to knock out. So, as this is now the weekend, I’ve decided that aside from doing my steps, I think I’m going to take some rest days, and we’ll start concentrating on making the challenges this month be about continuing getting the 100 reps in a day for five days a week. One of the goals is to actually document what effect these continued reps will be doing to my body. I noticed that doing the push-ups have really started to add a bit more shape and muscle to my arms. I really felt the “burn” in both my back, and my pecs as I would do them, yet I think it is becoming more noticeable in my biceps.

Going through this challenge, I had my long-time friend Terry Bays take up the challenge. He’s dealt with health issues his whole life, and diabetes has been a major factor for the last nine, or ten years. I’m proud of the fact that he took this challenge head on, and has noticed that he’s been feeling better about himself. I am so proud of him. My kids adore him, and would like to have their “uncle” Terry around for a long time.

Getting back to the point I started to make, I think part of why I’ve been feeling the way I have, is the fact that so much is going on in life right now, that it just seems to take more time to process than I have been. Sarah’s  Crohn’s Disease has been keeping her down. My oldest child is about to walk down the aisle with her graduating class, and then a couple weeks after will officially be an adult. Plus, I’ve got two other kids getting ready to embark on the next phase of their adolescent journey of middle school. On top of that, Sarah is also dealing with preparing for empty nest syndrome. I guess it’s hard on her because Autumn is the oldest, and they have a different bond than I do with her.

My philosophy on parenting is this: We are giving the gift to bring life into this world, and the responsibility to raise our offspring to the best of our abilities.  It’s never easy, and there isn’t an instruction manual on how to operate a small person, but we do our best. I think it’s our job to raise these little people to become responsible and functioning adults. I find relieve in knowing that I didn’t fuck up too much as a parent.

Even at my lowest point in life, I loved my kids. Even when I wasn’t the best parent that I could be. That was the time that Sarah had to pick up more of the slack, and in all honesty, she’s the one that gets depend on the most. That’s the way it goes in most families, mom is the glue that keeps things together and running.

With that, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

Hello, Loneliness…

I’ve found myself in a strange place lately. I’ve been feeling kind of alone, and yet I’m around people most of the time. Before you get all panicked, I haven’t been depressed…just felt alone. With that, I’ve been kind of stuck in my own head most of the time, and the writing has become slowed down a bit. I’ll be fine because I haven’t had any negative thoughts lately.

My weight loss journey has seemed to hit a bump, as I’m not losing like I was, but that could have been a moment of circumstance that has thrown me off. It isn’t the first time, and I know it won’t be the last time. It’s just crazy when I have all these things going on that now I would start feeling a sense of loneliness, because I know I’m not, and I have a great support system. Hell, I honestly think that it’s gotten better as I’ve gone along.

I’m reconnecting with long time friends, who I really like being around, they’re just chill people, and be told that I’m a trusted companion, makes me feel pretty damn good. I’m glad that I’m viewed as a chill individual, and laid back. It’s something I’ve tried to perfect for some time. Most of my adult life I was angry, and I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore.

Again, all of this is just my mind trying to test me, or my depression. I know that I’ll get through it because I’ve got too much actually going my way. It just sucks when I go somewhere and start feeling like I did something wrong, even if I didn’t. That’s how my brain works, and it’s a difficulty that I’ve felt with most of my life.

On the bright side, I am starting to run, or at least jog again. I need to work on endurance as well as strength. The goal is to eventually get a mile and a half run in about seventeen and a half minutes. I’m sure that I’ll get there, but I still think like a fat person. I’ve been told that is something that may never go away. It’s almost ironic that the thing I’ve been trying to escape, still is a shadow in my life. I mean, I know that I can do more things, and I am doing more things, but sometimes, it’s hard to get past the fact that I was overweight and poorly out of shape for so long that my movement was limited.

My quality of life has gotten so much better. I’m mentally, physically, and spiritually better. Yet those demons try to bring me down at times. At least I have tools in my tool kit that helps with coping with these downward trends. I’ll eventually ride this out, and I’m not too worried.

I can’t believe that it’s been nine months since my surgery. Fall is going to be here soon, and the holiday season. I guess that’s going to be the real challenge this year. The goodies that comes out during the commercial time of year. Egg Nog, cookies… well, I’m actually good about not having cookies, and I don’t think that Egg Nog is going to feel good on the stomach this year. Let’s see how the cold effects me this winter as well.

I’ve discovered that I can do things that I hadn’t been able to do in years, so I’m excited to add a few exercises to the regiment as I work out on my non-personal training days. It’s been a joy taking my son with me and teaching him to work out. One of the things that I discovered that I can do is about a minute-twenty at a four point five speed on the treadmill. I’ll take that as a win as well.

Next weekend is the parade that the CK Project makes is official public debut. I’m excited that we’re finally getting that going, as well as that we’re getting ready to announce that we’ll be taking a political stand for the LGBQT community. Let’s just say that we’ve been active in helping to establish a festival for the community for next year, and Luckey Bom Films, along with the CK Project are going to be doing a documentary on the whole process. It’s going to be a learning experience, as we become more involved with the process.

Anyway, this is the director and that’s a wrap.