“We’re All Going Through Changes”

Change is happening all around us at all times. Change is constant, and yet it seems like something that people fear the most. With change, brings something different, sometimes better, and sometimes not. Why fear something that’s inevitable?

I look at my children, and am reminded that as they grow older, they are changing. Their personalities aren’t the same as they were as where as toddlers. They are discovering their own likes and interests, that aren’t always influenced by their parent’s tastes. Yet at the same time, I see Sarah’s and mine influences on some of those things they do like.

I’ve been going through changes, especially since I had my gastric sleeve done. My attitude has gotten better, I feel more active, more alive, and I appreciate things so much more. I think the biggest change that’s really come for me, is the self realization that the way I treated people, and the way I allowed them to treat me, wasn’t okay.

I use humor in almost all aspects of my life. The people I joke with, I know that I can have a viscous wit towards. It’s sad that if I like someone I tend to joke with them, and treat them  kind of shitty at times. If I don’t like someone, I just don’t associate with them. To those friends that I might have gone too far with, I apologize. To the one’s that I love, or have loved, I am sincerely sorry for the hurt I’ve caused in your lives. I wasn’t always the best mentally, and you’re the one’s who’ve suffered the most for it.

Regardless of how my journey goes, I have some of the best people in my life. Sarah has always been a constant reminder of the love and dedication I can find in one person. For that I’m always thankful for.  She’s always going to be a big part of me, no matter what happens in life.

Saturday ended up being a day that really caused me to reconsider so much of what had been going on. Little Chris had a seizure while we were out of town and I got so worried about him. My biggest fear is that my children pass on before I do. I think that, as I also know, that is most parent’s biggest fear. I’ve witnessed this happen to good friends of mine, and it’s the hardest thing to witness.

I know that the last several months have put perspective in my life. I want to say that the quarantine had something to do with it, but it doesn’t. I’ve been one of the people deemed “essential personal” or as some people joke, “expendable”. That’s just added more stress because I’ve got family members in my household who’ve got weakened immune systems.

At least things are semi getting back to normal. I was able to actually go back to the gym and work out. It was nice to feel myself putting in the same effort as when I had to stop. I just know that now I need to get really serious and start dropping this last stretch of weight that I’ve been holding on too. Being stuck to my own devices, and I slacked. At least I’ve stayed fairly consistent with my walks.

This year has proven to be an interesting one to say the least. I’m sure that I’m not the only one to have had my mental health tested, time and time again. Do you know what I mean? I’ve seen it on in my kids, and my wife. This hasn’t been the most pleasant experience.

Another thing that has been an eye opener, is the fact that with the Black Live Matter movement, I’ve seen the ugly come out of unexpected places. People that I would have never thought had those kinds of opinions, have shown me the substance of which they’re really made of. I’ve seen some with whom I expected to come out racist, show that they are strong allies, and I’ve seen those who, I thought were more open minded about people, show their opinions.

My thoughts are this: We are in a time where more people are “woke” to the way that the world is run. The whole thought process on the Black Live Matter movement, I wasn’t sure what I would say about it. The rioting, I had an opinion, then I saw someone stay something else, and I decided that I would listen, and try to understand that point of view. So that’s exactly what I did. When the players in the NFL kneeled at the National Anthem, I had an opinion, but then I listened. if there’s anything I can say, is that if you feel strongly one way or another, try and listen, and see if you can understand things from a different point of view.

Racism is wrong, that’s not something up for debate. It’s an old train of thought that should have died out with the Civil Rights Movement. Yet, here we are, seeing it on the news, and internet. I find it a ridiculous concept, and I’ve been discriminated against for my weight, and my economic class. I think the behaviors of the hatred I’m seeing is sad, and I’m disappointed, because I expect better of people.

This is the world we seem to live in, a toxic society that promotes hatred, and judgement, and the media tends to play both sides. I agree that police reform must be made, but that doesn’t excuse the way people come off entitled in society and think that can just be disrespectful towards authority. Again, the whole system needs to change, but it’s not that one side, there needs to be both sides trying to fix the matter, and the communications are fucked up.

We should hold each other to a higher standard, and not just because people are watching, and yes, people are watching, but because we as a people need to be better. I experience entitled attitudes at work. I experience and witness these same attitudes out in the public, while shopping. Why? Because you’re not having it your way? Because you feel inconvenienced?

Customer service is one of the most stressful jobs in the world, because you’re constantly treated like shit, and it’s usually beyond your control. I’ll go further, being a geek, I see the same common issues in the geek community. “You can’t have a black storm trooper”, I mean come on, and you fucking kidding me? As a people who’ve been discriminated against, what gives us the right to tear our people down, or show that hatred towards others?

This is why so many people are struggling with mental health issues, because someone always seems to want to tear down someone else just to feel bigger, or more important. It happens in all walks of life, LGBTQA+? Bisexuals are often discriminated against, but why? Shouldn’t we all be accepting of each other, just for the fact that we are human?

I know that this blog might not sit well with some people, and while I would hate to lose followers, if somehow I’ve offended someone that bad, I guess that’s the way it has to be. I’m gonna try not to judge anybody who’s offended, but I’m gonna also ask that if what I say has offended anyone, before you totally block, delete, call me out, try and look into yourself, and find why it is that you’re offended. Not only that, if there’s something about the situation that does offend you, please research it out for yourself, and see if you can find something more than assumptions on the subject. You might just be enlightened by what you discover.

Part of the problem I’m seeing is that we’re being lied to from all sides. The media lies, the lessons in school can be misleading. All I say is that research, and take time to actually listen to what’s going on. I don’t want anyone to be hated because of a difference of opinion. Often times I see healthy debate, degrade down to simple adolescent name calling, and that’s not getting us anywhere as a society.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

I’m Fighting Through

Okay, so I know that it’s been awhile since I’ve actually provided any sort of content. To say that we live in difficult times, is an understatement. Myself professional, and personally have been met with some rough times. Some of it has to do with some major self-realization. It’s the self-realization that’s been the hardest part.

Emotions have been high, as well. Those who know me, and the things I do to make money, know that some of the current events of the last few months have really hit close to home for me. Some of them have gotten me to question my own views and beliefs that I’ve had for years. With that, I can say that listening, and reflecting on what the message really is, goes a long way in understanding the situation from another perspective. It may even make you question if you’re part of the problem without realizing it.

I realized that I felt a certain way about the kneeling at the national anthem when it happened. I had the gut reaction of how wrong it was. Yet, then I listened, and I realized that there was something more than the media was saying going on. I felt a certain way about the Black Lives Matter movement, but I began to listen. That was the same way with the rioting and looting, while I don’t necessarily agree with those actions, I now understand the frustration behind it. I also understand that there are opportunist out there, looking to get away with doing illegal actions.

The point is, I listened. I tried to understand why these actions had been going on the way they were. I wanted to understand the frustrations of the people protesting. I did it for growth. I listened for understanding so that I could myself grow from not paying attention like I should have.

I know that people have said that this year was even worse than last year, which most people seemed to hate how it went anyway, but I’ve found this a particularly enlightening year. Like I’ve said in most years past, when everyone wants the fresh start from the new year, I feel that it doesn’t really change anything. It’s all in how you react to the situations at hand.

I hear so much complaining about what’s going on, i.e. work, earthquakes, or weather conditions, and yet there’s never any solutions given in that same set of breaths. The truth is, unpopular opinion is that most people seem to complain, just to complain. If you hate the earthquakes, and think that they need to stop, the best way to do that is move. It’s not like there’s anywhere else that does’t have its own set of  natural disasters. Just pick your poison and endure. Don’t like your job? Get a new one. I know that it isn’t always that simple, however, unless you’re willing to try and change the scenario, stop complaining. Most people don’t really care for the complaints.

I try to keep real with everyone, especially for my own details. I know that some people have felt that I’ve been complaining, but my intent has always been to keep truth involved, both the negative and positive. I know I’m known as a pretty positive person, but even I have doubts, and depressive episodes. It’s not something that I suffer alone, because I’ve had other’s reach out and thank me for being brave enough to share my struggles.

As I’ve grown, I’m viewing some of my past actions as unacceptable. I’m also realizing that the way I’ve allowed others to treat me, is also unacceptable. The truth is, people can be ugly to each other. I know that my sense of humor can be very mean at times. I know that the snide remarks made towards my weight, has done more damage, then I would have let on. I’ve hurt people that I call close, and that I love. My realization is that I can do better, I can be better, and I will do better.

Mentally, things have been taxing lately. There has been so much going on in the world, and it’s affected me on a professional and personal level. There have been days that I felt like I wanted to give up on things. Yet, I keep on going, I’m trying to look for that motivation deep down, but at this moment it hasn’t seemed like I can find it. My motivation has been down for doing things most my time off. My creativity has been suffering the most.

I know that this year has been a rough one for most people. I know that we’ll all get through this ordeal, but we need to be cautious, and we need to be diligent in keeping ourselves safe. I know that there are people who don’t believe that the Coronavirus really exists. I know five people who’ve had it, and most of them I actually know personally, and can say that I’ve never gotten the vibe that those individuals would have any alternative motivations, then being truthful. As I’ve said this to some of the non-believers, I’ve watched their faces change drastically.

One of those things that I can say about the Coronavirus is that I don’t really know how sever it is going to be if it affects my family. The people that I do know who’ve had it, have survived. I think one of the biggest things about all that’s been going on, is that it seems that the professionals don’t even know what it’s all about, and I understand because this is new. Yet it’s frustrating because things seem to be contradictory from the various sources that are keeping up with the epidemic at hand. The one thing that I’ve picked up on is the fact that as everything opens back up, and the group settings keep going, things are going to get worse. Please be careful, and mindful.

While things are looking to be getting worse, things will get better. We should remember to treat each other so much better than what’s been shown lately. I have faith that we can all be better humans, and I wouldn’t expect anything less. I’ll be honest, after what happened to George Floyd, I’ve seen an ugliness in people that I expected better from, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. This is the director and that’s a wrap.