A Shout Out to all the Mothers

I’m friends with a diverse group of people. One of the commonalties amongst my friends are that I have mothers in my life. I’ve seen some of them become first time mothers. I’ve seen some deal with the loss of children, yet they all share the common bond of creating life from within.

Being a parent can be emotionally and mentally draining. Some mother’s have the hardest time during their pregnancies which leaves a physical toll. While I usually don’t blog about this, I have to speak my mind because I don’t think mother’s always feel the appreciation for a job that often times goes thankless. So, without further ado, I dedicate this to my mom, my wife, and all the other ladies who have allowed me into their lives, and get to be called mom.

I’ve seen you post on your social media that you feel like you look like crap, you get no sleep, and you need a break. I see that you feel unattractive because you’ve got stretch marks, and you no longer fit into that size six you were in as a young adult.

I feel your frustration when the kids are screaming and fighting. They throw a tantrum when they don’t get their way, or are rude because of the food you make them. I hear you when you say that you don’t feel like you get any help.

I’m fortunate because I’m a father, and my kids have both parents in the house. I know that it’s not always the case for you, estranged, or single. I don’t say this to brag, or rub it in. I say it because I’ve seen the frustration in the eyes of the person that my children call mother. I’m dad, and I’m the fun one, and I’m the one that the kids seem to respect, and hate to get yelled at by. Again, I’m not bragging, I’m just stating that it seems like I have it easier than you do, and I have an appreciation for the hard work you do.

There have been a few times where I had to pick up the slack because Sarah was sick, and I find that it can be difficult to manage  the house as gracefully as she does. I know that when I was a larger person it would limit the way I maneuver around the house. I’m in awe by the magic of you, a mother being selfless in a place where those little lives depend on you. They don’t recognize it, not yet, but the moment you’re not there, they will.

Being a mother is under appreciated. Your children act out in public, and then you’re being judged about not being a good mother. We have an autistic child who has melt downs, and the judgmental looks on the faces of people who have no idea is there. So, I see and understand the feeling.

Being a mother means that you hold so many different job titles, and non of them pay what they are worth. The payment you get is this: You get to see your children grow up and use what you’ve taught them to become better human beings. You get to see them become adults, and hopefully have their own families. This is the chance for you to become a grandmother and reap the benefits of all that hard work you had done to help these small humans survive.

You don’t feel attractive because of the stretch marks, and you’ve gained the weight that seems forever to get off. I’ve seen those insecurities, and I’ve got to say this to you now-you’re beautiful. Those marks, and that weight shows that you did the most amazing thing that I couldn’t ever begin to imagine. You gave birth, you helped carry life for nine months. You are a Goddess, and no-one can ever take that away from you.

You put your life a risk for a small thing that took everything it needed to survive from your body for those nine months. Sometimes, it might have left a bigger toll on your body than it should have. Hell, I experienced that when my own children were born. Most of that time, my own wife was away from me in a hospital. Most of that time, the stress got too high for me to handle as well, but I was there everyday to support the person that would give me the greatest accomplishments in my life. My appreciation goes much farther as she had gone through great personal risk to have our two children come into this world. For this, my wife will never know how grateful I am for them.

This dedication isn’t just for my own family though, this is for those mothers who have some sort of connection in my life though.

I see the struggles of a young mother raising a child on her own. I know it’s hard because you can’t seem to have any adult time to unwind, and be yourself for a change. However, I do promise you that all that hard work you’re putting in isn’t getting unnoticed. Mark my words that no matter how things happen, one day your child will understand and appreciate the sacrifice that you made. I see it, and I know as frustrating as it is, I see the growth that’s coming from it.

Mother, I see that your teen children go off and treat you like you don’t matter to them. They roll their eyes every time you ask them to do something. They say those words that hurt, “I hate you,” and it gets harder as things like, “you’re ruining my life,” are said. I find that the most ironic part, as the children will never know the meaning of that. As a mother, you have to be selfless. As a mother, the life you had lived before conceiving had been ruined.

That’s not to say that’s such a bad thing, but until that realization comes to them, they’ll never know the truth. They’ll never grasp the appreciation they should. They don’t know that there are nights you’d stay up thinking of them because of their sickness. Hoping that everything would be okay.

So, while you don’t feel that you get the love or appreciation of being a mother, and you might not like the way you look in the mirror. Know that your job is appreciated and it does get recognized. From this father, friend, and son- thank you for all the mothers who’ve selflessly given of yourself. Know that what you might think has made you look less than attractive, is just the thing that should be appreciated so much more about you.

I can only fathom part of the journey as a parent, but the connection of a mother runs that more deeply. To quote Eric Draven from The Crow, “Mother is the name of God, on the lips of children.” I honestly think that’s one of the best lines I’ve ever heard. I also think that it rings true.

Thank you for letting me take this whole blog and dedicate it to you, the women in my life. Sarah, thank you for giving me the two biggest, best gifts that at many times frustrate me. Thank you to my mother, and to my step-mother, as they both have loved me, and help make me into the man I am today.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

 

 

Let’s Get Caught Up

Wow, it’s been a while since I last blogged. So much has happened. For one I did start a blog last month about it being my two-year-anniversary since my weight loss surgery, and how it changed my life, but life got in the way with other things, and I became less motivated to finish that blog.

With that being said, I figured that I would turn this into a hodgepodge of several things in a blog and cover all my bases.

I had my two-year-anniversary since I had my gastric sleeve done, and so far I’ve teetered between around 167, and 169 pounds being gone. That’s not bad by all means, but being at a plateau like that since May has been a bit discouraging.

In the last few months I’ve started training a bit differently and going from weight training to body weight training. It’s different, and feels more challenging for me. I do still get in the weights from time to time, but I prefer this new type of training because it seems to hit the muscles down deeper.

Part of the changes that have happened is that I have become more aware of my body. I realize the spots that have weakness, and I try to be a bit more mindful when they start to hurt. Stretching is one of those ways that I try to compensate for some of the issues. My left knee is usually the one thing I can’t ever seem to get completely stretched out. I’ve had to find a few different positions to get that right stretch in.

So, this brings me up to the things that I wanted to get caught up on for  the new year. I’ve started a food journal on Tumblr, and I find that it is keeping me a bit more honest than I thought. I defiantly consider more about what it is that I’m eating, and I hope that this is one way that helps get me back on the path of losing weight. This is also something that I’ll be adjusting and evolving as I go along. Right now, I just keep track of what I’m eating, and soon I’ll be adding calorie, carb, protein count into the mix. The bright side of this is that I’ve been constant over the last few days.

On the opposite end of this, is the fact that when I was doing Weight Watchers, I hated keeping track of what I would eat. I started out doing well, but it just kind of fell out of the way. I guess that it helps I’m in a different spot mentally.

Out of all the changes in my body since I’ve been working out, I feel that my shoulders have defiantly shaped up the most nicely, and I can’t weight until my stomach gets a bit flatter. I’ll have to talk to the doctor about the skin removal surgery in ten days, which will also be my forty-first birthday. I’ve been seeing some of the skin removal results from fellow weight loss people, and I’m still a bit nervous about this whole thing.

I think that’s where the vanity comes in. I’ve got surgical scars, but I’m not looking forward to having more, especially some that would literally be right under my nose. I know that for health and comfort, it’s probably the best decision and I can’t wait until I can fit in clothes better. I’m just not excited for the eye sore that will come from the end product. I’m also not looking forward to the recovery process, and I’m gathering how bad it’s going to be.

It’s strange because when I had two-thirds of my stomach removed, the recovery time wasn’t as bad as it could have been. The first month was hard, but it got so much easier as I went along, and the first month was the hardest part, both physically and mentally. the mental part is what surprised me the most.

So, as we continue on with this blog, it’s a new year. I’m not going to say the generic, “New year, new me,” statement because I actually have come to dislike it. I figure if you’re going to change habits, and be a better person, then why wait? Just do it! Start the change now, and keep it going into the new year. The whole concept of the new year is wiping the slate clean, just kind of baffles me anymore. It’s just another day, and things are going to continue the way you choose to handle them. All a new year does is give you a new number to deal with.

However, with that being said, this year is going to prove to be a step in the right direction as it is. With the shameless cross promoting that I do, we are striking the right cords to get Luckey Bom Films going with three projects in the works, and Unexpected Side Trip seems to keep getting pushed back for financial reasons, we’ll be hitting up the crowdfunding soon enough. I’m excited because it’s just one of the scripts that I completed last year. I’ve finished a second draft of Life Happens and I’m excited because I’m getting in front of the camera for that one. It’s a bit bitter sweet because I had been working on the idea for the last four years, and to finally see the story fleshed out feels like an accomplishment. It’s also the longest script I have done so far.

The final script that I’ve been developing is a rehash of the first short that I ever did, Appreciate What You Got. It’s one that I was inspired to create a character off of an amazing young lady the I had gotten to know through interactions at work, and it was the first short I ever developed. The original project showed me a glimpse of what I was starting to get myself into, and fortified my passion as a story teller.

One of the exciting things about all my stories so far, is that with my friend Ed, who played Nash Gray, and has let me use some of his creative properties to help tell stories, i.e. Nash Gray, Unexpected Side Trip; has helped me come up with the idea that I should have my own shared universe. That is something that I’ve been able to do, and is something that as a writer I find exciting when I can start tying things in together.

I’ve also got some other things planned in between projects that I’ll be doing, I just have to wait before I say too much about that.

The CK Project  is also getting some love this year, as the podcast is gaining momentum. Combining that with some magic of having a film production company, we’ve come out with our first multi-cast last month. That’s what took me so long to get anything out content wise, and I’m still developing my visual skills in post production.

As far as the podcast goes, I’ve been connecting and networking with so many people that we’re looking to bring on several guests with in this year. It’s going to be an adventure as we’ll be having people from across the states join us. People that I’ve known for years, people that it seems like I’ve just really gotten to know through the whole weight loss journey. The CK Project  is going to another level as we are looking to make it a non-profit business, to help raise awareness and funds for mental health. The niche that the podcast is finding is weight loss and the affects on mental health. While we talk about a number of things, mental health seems to be the subject that keeps popping up, and it’s seemingly getting people interested in our message.

Yet to finish off where things are going, I do have a third brand, which is gaining the momentum that we wanted. The Geekultural Experience is a passion project of mine and Sarah’s. As we are geeks, and it’s one of the many things that I’ve had that has gotten me connected with people. We’ve got a podcast, which we’re still finding our niche, but it’s also helped Sarah start a few things on her own. She’s started up a local Steampunk group called the Coggle Society, and I think this is something that she’s going to shine in. I totally support that she’s doing this, however I’m not into the steampunk scene like she is. Though watching her work on this and watching her grow as a person because of this has been a wonderful thing to see.

We’ve got a busy year a head of us, as we’ll be doing charities as well as working in the community on a couple of other projects that are in the early stages of development. More details will be coming out as we get further into it.

With that, holy shit! I had more to say then I thought I would. I am the Director and that’s a wrap.

Hard Work For Better Gains

As with anything else in life, you get what you put in. Eating right can some times be hard, especially since there are so many temptations being marketed out there. I find that it can be hard also because most “healthy options” are costly. Yet, this is an essential part of the weight loss journey.

Exercise is the second part that is essential for the weight loss journey, and is just as important as eating right. The harder the workout, the better the progress for shape and strength. This is something I struggle with because I find it hard to push through at times. I want that brief second of rest so that I can power through the rest of my sets. It’s usually right as I’m getting to my fourth round of my circuit training. Every time I do push, I feel like I want to die after my workout, which is a good sign.

Then it comes the really hard push, that will give me the momentous gains. That’s my brands. Working on one brand is a full-time job as it is, but I’m taking it even farther by having three brands that I work on. This is where I feel most of my success comes from, it gives me the focus that I need to carry out all my plans.

I have filled my life with all these positive things that keep me going in the right direction. I’ve had times where I was lost and I wasn’t sure where I needed to go, or where I wanted to go. With depression, there is many times that I would doubt myself. I would feel unworthy, I would feel like a failure. I felt that the world would be a better place without me.

With this mental level, I felt that my family would carry-on and eventually find better life if I no longer existed. At this time, I also felt that I was the worst person ever and undeserved of love. This is what depression feels like. Yet, if you would ask if I was okay, then I would say yes, because I didn’t want to burden anybody. I felt that I needed to deal with it on my own.

This is why I evolved the CK Project. It started out as a weight loss thing, to hold myself accountable, but after my period in the darkness, I had to make it something more. After watching people be affected by seven suicides, I knew that I needed to do something else. I felt guilty for having those feelings, I felt even more guilty that I wasn’t able to reach out to these people and try to let them know that they weren’t alone in this struggle.

I took my experience, and decided to use my story as an example that there are other ways then suicide, there are better options. At this time, I didn’t consider myself a survivor. All I wanted to do was help someone else. This was at a time that I still didn’t see the “value” in my own life.

Once I found purpose with going to school, things started to change. I found my direction, and the accomplishments that I was doing started to add value to myself. Investing in myself, was the right choice, and once I got to be a director, I found the thing that was going to keep me going.

By this time, I was getting used to putting in the hard work, but I needed to gain more. See what I did there? So, I was in the last leg of my schooling, and I started to realize that I wanted to change more because I didn’t like the way I was physically feeling. I felt that I wasn’t in the body I was supposed to have, and I was ready to change that too.

So, I started to look into having the gastric sleeve surgery. I had heard that it was the safest option, and I’ve known people who had it done, with no regrets. At that time, I decided that I hadn’t heard anything about the negative side, and one of my best friend’s had also considered the surgery, so I decided that I would blog about it, both the good, and bad. I wasn’t going to hold anything back.

So, using my CK Project platform, I decided that my experience could be used as a tool for others to learn from. I realized that it went full circle from weight loss to mental health, back to weight loss, but I didn’t fully realize the connection between the two.

This is why I keep so busy, because everything I do, outside of work is just another way in attempt to have an outlet. It was a struggle when I felt that I didn’t have that release from the stressful situations, and it just brought me down. I find things that could serve more than one purpose for me.

This blog is the perfect example, as it started out as something for a class, I did a bit of research after and discovered that this was a good place to start out as a blogging site. I decided that this would be a better platform than Facebook to talk about my issues, and it would make it easier to distribute on other social medias. So, where does this serve more than one purpose? Well, I figured that blogging would help me sort out my thoughts, and it has in so many ways. It also helped me as a writer, that was the other thing that I wanted, to be a better writer.

So, I’ve gained a therapeutic way to sort my feelings and experiences while using my struggles and examples to help others, and it has helped me with the written word, and to think as a writer. I’ve gone from writing an average of 412 words per blog, up to over 830 words a blog. My scripts have gotten better and longer as well.

So, my suggestion for everyone is to put in the hard work. The reason is because you’ll benefit and grow in way that would be unexpected. How do you find the motivation? Do the things you love, damn what others might say, unless you’re a serial killer or something, that’s not a good thing. Too many people seem to lose passion from their lives, and passion is a strong guide and motivator. Self-improvement is the best investment any person can have, because it isn’t something that can be taken away.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

Helping Others Through The Journey

Through Facebook, I’ve made several contacts in the Gastric Sleeve support groups. Through Twitter, I’ve made several contacts in the weight loss journey. It’s not only nice to network through these, as we all have common goals, and interests, but it’s a great feeling to be able to provide guidance throughout the process. It’s even better when you can bask in their successes with them.

I’ve recently befriended someone who doesn’t feel like she’s got the best support system at home, so  I’ve offered to be her support system. I can only imagine what it would be like to go through this process without the support that’s needed to get there. I’ve been more than abundantly blessed with the people I surround myself with. I attribute it to the kindness and charisma that I present.

That means, that treating others the way you would want to be treated is kind of a key rule if you want to get that support system that is needed. Do unto others and all that kind of philosophy in life. I can attribute that as how I live, and it’s done me well so far.

This brings up something else I’ve been trying to accomplish; being the support system people need. I’m aware that not everyone has the support they need, but I’m here to say that if it’s needed, reach out. I’ll be that cheerleader, I’ll be that guide. Everybody needs a safe place to turn when things seem bleak, or when things don’t seem right.

While I’ve felt like I’ve slacked off a bit, I’m continuing my journey, and I’m keeping up with what I’m supposed to do. I know that I’ve always been in my head about things, and I think that might be what keeps me going in the right direction. I feel that keeping mindful, does help me to know what I need to work on. This is something that I didn’t quite have in the past.

At the same time, I have the never ending battle within myself that wants to do the opposite. There hasn’t been times that I’ve wanted to give up, and I think that’s a check-mark in the right direction. My clothes are telling me that I’m doing the right thing as they seem to be getting bigger on me as well.

This isn’t a journey that’s ever going to stop. It’ll evolve, it’ll grow, but it will never stop. It’s also a journey that’s lead to other journey’s. The biggest fact on my weight loss journey is that it took a cross path to a mental health awareness. Mental health has been something I’ve dealt with just as long as my weight. The only difference is that I didn’t have the resources to deal with my depression.

All this experience, is available to those who ask for it. I’m willing to share, and if it’s something that personally can’t give an answer for, then I’ll do my damnedest to help find the right direction to go for those answers. I do have a friend in the phycological profession that I turn too for finding resources at times. She’s been a good friend for years, and I adore her company.

This is a world that would benefit if we all would be kinder and willing to help get through our struggles. However, there are negative energies in society that would rather watch the suffering and pain of others. It’s sad that greed and pettiness tend to dominate the world around us. While individuals are starting to get “woke” to what’s going on around them, progress is slow and it’s going to take time before we get to the state where we’ve evolved enough to realize how silly greed and pettiness are.

Yet for the sake of transparency, I have these brands that I strongly support. The CK Project  seems to be my more popular one, and I have merchandise for sale. The goal is for the hope that my experience can help make me some money and help support the movement, and support my family. I would love for this to be my full-time job. I would hope that this would one day be one of my main focuses, aside from Luckey Bom Films, and The Geekultural Experience. 

So, if you find that you support my message, and that my experiences have helped, please take a look at: https://teespring.com/stores/the-ck-project. Not only is this a way to represent the CK Project, but it helps get things moving in a better direction for us to keep going, and becoming more independent. It’ll allow us more time to dedicate to the movement, and other projects that we’re involved in. Also, don’t forget that we have a podcast, that we’re working on providing a weekly show at: anchor.fm/CkProject/. This podcast is available on seven different listening platforms.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

Shifting Gears And Shifts: Better Days Ahead

So I finally am free of the night shift at work. It was a great experience, and I’m glad I did it, however it seemed to keep me in a zombified state for the last six months. To be quite honest, I felt like there was what seemed like a pause on life for awhile being on this shift.

It’s funny that as I got towards the end of my time on the night shift, I started to feel like I was starting to finally get the hang of it, and now I have to adjust to the fact that I’m back on a reasonable schedule again. I had done many days of staying up for over twenty-four hours to spend time with the family, and I’m glad that won’t have to happen again.

Truth is this: The hours were easy, the part I didn’t like was that it would take me away from being home at night with the family. After being with the same woman for over eighteen years, it was hard to only spend two-nights a week in the same bed with her there. It made it difficult for my children to stay quiet while “daddy” slept. Otherwise, it was easy.

Now that I got that out of the way, let’s get to the points that this blog is about, mental health and weight loss. Sometimes, it leans more towards one than the other, but I’m going to adjust to both tonight.

I could easily get in my 10,000 steps in a night, and even get an additional 10,000 before the shift was over. The weather was cooler, and I had a lot of time to myself to work on my physical condition. I picked up on doing about one-hundred wall push-ups a night, and it kept me busy. I would often leave at the end of my shift physically tired from the cardio and strength training. This part was the simplest of the job, I got to learn skills that I hadn’t had the chance to work on before, and so I know it added to my capabilities as a worker.

Now, there were nights that I had even less contact with people, and there were a few times that my thoughts would go to insecure places. It happened a few times, but at least I was able to work through those moments. The best thing was that I was doing my best to keep busy, both mind and body.

Quick Disclaimer: I felt like it had been a long time since I actually wrote substance, and I want to give better details on what’s been going on.

I had to pass a physical agility test at work in April, this I know that I’ve stated, however I hadn’t really talked about where that was going to take me. I had passed and I started to make moves to get myself a promotion. Within the last couple of weeks, I was able to have an interview, and it looks promising. I’m not going to say that I nailed all the questions that I had been asked, but I feel that I did okay. I feel that I was able to competently get through the gauntlet of questions, and show that I would be capable of the said position that I’m  trying for.

I’ve had friends and co-workers ask if I knew anything about getting the job, an I don’t know yet. I suppose that I will be finding out here in a couple of weeks how I did. Hell, I might just see if I can run into one of the decision makers, and see if they could at least give me a hint on the progress there.

A mental health win is the fact that I’ve never felt so supported in achieving a better position as I do now. I’ve come to discover that I have some of the best co-workers that I’ve ever had in the eleven-plus years doing my job. As a matter of fact, it was at the suggestion of more than one co-worker that I actually would be good in a higher standing position at work, and that was part of what motivated me to try and get to that next step.

Now, I’m finding challenges adjusting to my job with this 100-plus degree heat, and the fact that I work outside most of the time, trying to get those steps in. I know that I have to reacclimatize to the hottest part of the day, but I also feel better having a more busy pace at work. It helps the work week go by so quickly.

At least pushing through the heat is helping my steps give me more of a sweat! Mentally I feel better seeing people that I’ve talked to for years at my job, and I’m pumped for the changes that should be coming my way.

I will be pushing out far more content with the blogs, vlogs, and various other things that I work on. I’m back and ready to be here for you all. With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Goals

This week, turned into something quite amazing with the amount of progress that’s been made this week. The things I set out to do a few years ago are starting to pay off.

Just like anything else in life, you should strive to achieve your goals. As my readers know, I have a film production company, and with that I’m excited to announce that we have moved onto pre-production for our next feature. Unexpected Side Trip has been something we’ve been working towards getting out of development since last year. It’s going to be the first time we work on a thriller. To be honest, this wasn’t really somewhere I ever thought I was going to go as a storyteller.

I had the realization yesterday that every project I’ve done has taught me a valuable lesson. When we started out doing brief thirty-second clips it was more of getting familiar with the operations, but when we finally progressed to do Appreciate What You’ve Got(2017) we learned what it was like to actually do a production. It was a huge learning experience since we’d never casted actors, and I never actually ran a crew before. It was the first time getting our feet wet in doing films.

Nash Gray(2017) was the first time I creatively collaborated with someone on a story. I did and will always appreciate my friend Ed Smith for giving me some wonderful characters to work with, and I thank him for taking up the mantel of Nash Gray. The biggest lesson I took way from this was learning what an actual production felt like. We worked on filming for a month, and far less of the duties actually fell on me as I had Celeste come in and be the cinematographer. The fact that she had experience in that department, allowed me to be a director, and that was my sole role. It was refreshing, and it reassured me that being a director was what I was meant to do. Dealing with a bigger crew, more locations, and a bigger cast presented its own sets of challenges, and it was fun to have had sets built to help complete the movie at hand.

The Reunion(2019) was by far the easiest of all the shoots. For one thing, I was blessed to have casted two actors who were very professional, and in an environment that favored the most laid back experience ever. It ended up being a script that I based off of one one of my creative writing assignments, and was fun to play around with. The lesson that I had with this project was more about using post effects in Adobe After Effects. While learning a complex program, which I have still yet to even crack the surface, I was able to start a basic animated title sequence, and add effects to the footage itself.

Now we’re pushing through with Unexpected Side Trip and with everything I have planned, I foresee the lesson is going to come in the form of distribution. Getting this out to festivals has always been the main goal since I adapted this from one of Ed’s short stories. We had gotten our location scouting done over the weekend, and I was able to take my son out to meet our contacts and teach him a bit about how to be professional in meetings like this.

Besides doing the film thing, I’ve also been spending time working on the other brands that I’ve created. The Geekultural Experience is getting ready to go to Wonder Con at the end of this week, and we are getting business cards to take and present while we’re out there. It’s exciting because at it is the third and final brand that we started, we’ve got logos designed and being worked on, and looking at what kind of merchandise we’d like to put it on. Pod casting has become the latest part of this brand, and we’re still feeling our way around, and we hope that it will gain more listeners as we go.

Speaking of merchandise, the daddy of all the brands, The CK Project is looking at getting some t-shirts and leggings to be released soon, plus we’re also looking at getting coffee mugs produced as well. I’m so excited as this has brought another level of creativity to my life, and I’ve already had people speak to me of their level of interest in such things. We also started a pod cast, which seems to have been received very well so far, and I’ve got people whom are wanting to get more involved with some of the subject matter that gets presented.

In the end this is all still a very new work in progress, and I can’t wait to see where it all takes me, and my family with the growth that’s been going on. Between all that, and my workouts, I achieved something that I never was sure I would be able too: Not have to deal with depression. I know that’s kind of weird to say, but keeping myself so busy has been the best way to stay away from the negative thoughts. I’ve been focusing more on the weight loss aspect because I don’t feel insecure about things like I used too. I know that it’s still there, just not popping up like it used too.

If you read this, and decide you’d like to know more about what we do, or have something you’d like to hear or see discussed, please feel free to drop a line.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

The One-Sixty Point

So, I stepped on the scale the other day to do my weigh-in update, and I was fully clothed and I couldn’t process the number of 271.2 pounds. For a minute I couldn’t think about if I had lost or gained weight. I replaced the batteries because they were low, and took off my shoes to check in again and saw 269.9. I even checked it three more times. Yep, I lost more weight, six pounds as a matter of fact. It was strange that I couldn’t fathom the thought that I had lost that much in such a short amount of time.

Even more craziness is the fact that I haven’t been this weight since we first moved to California in 1997. It’s like I finally shedded off all the stress weight that had haunted me from the last nineteen years. Could this be part of the next part of a new phase for my life? My depression has been under better control than ever before, and life is taking off in unexpected directions.

I’m in a pants size that I hadn’t been in since high school, and that’s even more incredible. I find that funny that as I’ve lost weight, the places that I’ve lost inches and changed shape in areas that I wasn’t quite expecting. I guess that’s why twenty-two years ago, things hung on me different than they do now. Different movements, exercises, it’s crazy. Though I think it’s far different now, because experience has given me a different look at being disciplined  in life, and how my values have changed.

Today things are different because I’ve found the path in life that I wanted to take. I mean I knew at a young age that I wanted to eventually be a father. Yes, it’s not been easy, especially since my eldest child is way too much like me, and we’ve often times butted heads because of it. I never regretted having children, and they are everything to me. I love them, even the one who isn’t my blood, she’s a great kid, even if we struggle with some of her experiences in her early childhood. I’m not sure the want of kids because I was raised an only child, I do wonder if that could be why?

I think the decisions to becoming a filmmaker, and in turn a blogger, and then a podcaster was the focus I needed in order to embrace that which made me, who I was, both good and bad. I’ve added the layers to help become the person I am.

Becoming a director and to tell stories was given because it was a skill that I ended up developing when I was younger and telling stories. It’s the outlet I always needed, as I’ve been involved in various forms of entertainment since I was in grade school. Writing was something that I discovered that I enjoy as well.

Dealing with depression and viewing others experiences, and losses had lead me to blog about my struggles, as a means to help express myself, and always had the hope that others would find some sort of enlightenment from it. I’ll admit that wasn’t the only motivation to blog. The other reason was that I wanted to become a better writer, and apply that to my scripts. So far, I think that it’s come along quite aways. Again, I have no regrets in that decision.

I had the idea of becoming a podcaster for a while. It was always one of those ideas that I had in the back of my mind and we had toyed with it a couple of times before we found a solution that would work for us to present our material. As we go along, we’ll get better and develop better techniques. Again, hosting has been an idea that I wanted to do.

160 pounds down, and it feels that life is just really starting to take off. It motivates me to get more done. Life is getting better, and I’m always glad that people have taken to joining me on this journey. It really gives me a sense of validation, and I have a few who have been more than vocal about the changes they see. The praises are more than humbling, and it drives me to do even better.

I had no real direction, and I had to find a point to start to put my life back together. If you ever feel that way, the first thing I would suggest is take a long hard look at yourself, and ask the question, “why do I feel this way?” It’s not always an easy answer, and sometimes it ends up being a bitter pill to swallow when the answer smacks you in the face, but don’t deny it. It’s easy to be in denial about oneself, I’ve been there a few times, at least. If you can get over the ego, and the pride, you will grow. I think that self improvement is the only way to better themselves. The key to find myself was to invest in myself, and it’s gotten so much better.

With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Fifteen Month Check-Up

I had my check up on March second. I was greeted by Dr. Morgan, who has been the man that I’d been seeing mostly for the last year. I was glad to see that I had another loss and that I’m now currently sitting at 276 pounds on the dot. It’s amazing to see where I was last year compared to now, or even compared to where I was two years ago.

It feel good to go to work and someone that I hadn’t seen for a while comment that I looked malnourished, I found it to be funny that people think that I’ve lost so much weight that it was hard to recognize me.  Man, I really feel that I’ve come a long ways, and even better I’ve got to a twenty-two year low, with the fact that my pants are smaller than I was when I first moved to California.

I will admit that I think that I started to fall into a bad habit again with sneaking a few snacks here and there, but I’m going to correct that. I think that the fact that I can admit that and am aware is a step farther than I was before this whole thing started.

Before I continue on with the story, The CK Project has started a podcast: https://anchor.fm/CkProject/episodes/Introduction-to-the-weight-loss-process-e2qsnt/a-abgq9b 

https://anchor.fm/CkProject/episodes/Depression-1-e2qso8/a-abgq9b

These are our first two episodes, we’d really like to get them out to everyone, and get an opinion on what we’re doing.

As I look back, it’s been almost a year since I started to train with Sam over at Flawless Victory MMA, and I’ve enjoyed it. It’s not easy, but anything worth doing is never easy, but there have been so many benefits that have come from this whole process, and I’m getting that much closer to my goals. I remember when I had over 100 pounds to go, and being stuck in the sizes that I had been wearing since I was the biggest size I was.

On top of all that, I’ve decided that it was time to purge my closet of those things that are too big for me. I think this is a big step because it’s another step away from the past self that I’ve held on to for so long. I know that mentally I still have a ways to go, but I’m getting there, and I’m mentally more sound than I have been for some time.

I finally got past my creative funk, and all it took was for me to finally release The Reunion(2019), and I’ve gotten so much positive responses for it. If you want to see it, just hit me up and I’ll send you a link. I don’t try to cross the brands too much, but it’s always good when they come together for something that each can benefit from.

The crazy thing is, with working on three brands, I find that each one takes the main focus at different times. The CK Project is where most of the every day focus goes, and I’m making amazing connections through those who would be on the weight loss journey as well. I find that Luckey Bom Films is where most of my true passion is, because it’s the part that really saved my life when I was lost. With the Geekultural Experience,  it showed me something else I had a passion for, all things related to pop culture, and this last one is dedicated to my friends, and the son they lost because of the connections that has been brought into my life.

They come together and add to the layers in my life as it is. I’m happy that I can use my experiences in life to help others, there’s a joy there. I like that I can tell a story and have people connect somewhere emotionally to it. I also love the fellowship that comes out of celebrating what people are passionate about.

What is it that you’re passionate about? What makes your day get going? How do you feel when others tell you that it’s okay to follow your dreams? Sure people might think that it’s bullshit, and that they should play it safe, but like I said before, anything worth doing is never easy. If you can find a way to make a life out of what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. Not all of us are gifted with the silver spoon, but the journey to get there is fun, and I’m excited to see what it’ll be like to finally make it.

This is a much lighter director, and while doing what I love, this blog is another wrap.

 

 

 

Putting Tabasco on the Basco

I want to give a huge thank you and shout out to Sam Basco. We’ve known each other for twenty-years, and for most of that time we kept talking about doing some working out together. I would find excuse after excuse on why I wasn’t ready to work out with him, and that was how things went for many years.

Sam’s a good guy, he has a love of comics, martial arts, and health. Among other things Sam has written articles on the subject of physical fitness. As I’ve discovered, Sam is really a jack-of-many-trades when it comes to personal training. Not only is he a coach and a personal trainer, he’s also a dietician, a physical therapist, and teaches me life lessons.

Sam’s been the right element to help push my physical transformation. He keeps me honest, and knows when to push me to go harder. He’s also been helping me find my inner warrior, which is something that I never sought out before. I appreciate it because there have been times in my life that I needed more than I was getting, and I wouldn’t stand up for myself. I would just take, and take, until I exploded.

I was out of control and I had no direction. Now things have become different, I’m different, more motivated. It sometimes seems like it’s been easy, but these improvements have taken years to come, and my willingness to change. Sad part is, death was the eye opener. I felt like I was on my way there, and there was a point that I didn’t care.

It sounds kind of selfish now that I think of it. I mean, I have a loving wife, great kids, so why wouldn’t I care about living? Being a depressant doesn’t work like that, all the thoughts are, of wanting the feeling to end. I remember doing things while being depressed that would defer me from having to deal with those feelings. Sarah didn’t understand. The children just say that dad was closing himself off from everyone else. I just wanted the feelings to go away.

Again, it’s a shame that it takes something major to wake yourself up from whatever is going on. I think that the sign that God sends. You need to deal with your issue and buy putting something in front of you, or in this case myself. I had to decide how I was going to handle it. Did I want to continue down the same self-destructive path that I had been on for a few years? Did I want to find that light at the end of the tunnel?

Finding that light was deciding that I wanted to improve my quality of life. I had enough of quantity, and I needed substance to fulfill myself. When I say quantity, I mean I was living off of the pleasure of satisfying my insecurities with food. All the food, all the time. Depression, feed the comfort food to it. Boredom, keep the entertainment by feeding the mouth and keeping the taste buds distracted. Yet, there was always something missing. I wasn’t ready to be goal oriented. I was just skating by with a job, and home life, there wasn’t anything else, and I knew that I wasn’t satisfied, but I didn’t want to listen to myself until the possible loss of employment changed my life.

I wish that we as a a society didn’t have to wait or deny that our persons need a change from self-destruction. I wish that I was “woke” to the situation that I needed to change something. Unfortunately, that takes a courage that all too many times  we lack. Is this because of our vanity? Or is it that change is something that most people seem to fear?

Too often we are taught in society that different isn’t good. While it seems that some of society standards have changed there are those who can’t seem to grasp change. Racism was the social norm until the civil rights movement changed that. Yet, you still hear that hatred being perpetrated, just on a quieter scale. Classism on which people of varying economic levels, view those of a lower class to be beneath them.

Is this why people are ingrained to ignore changes needed in their behavior? Is it truly that rare case in where someone decides to break the social standards, and rise above their giving station in life? I lived a very self-serving life when I was younger, and while I was always a “nice guy”, I had my own motivations for doing things. In a way I still do, just now I choose to help others, because in my motivations, it brings me happiness to see someone better themselves. I wish there were more people like that.

I would hope that anyone reading this would take a look at themselves, and see what changes they might need in their lives. If for any reason is to reflect on the types of decisions that they might make, or constantly make. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Fill In The Blank, I’m An Addict

As I was sitting here, editing the sound on my short, I needed a break, and so I thought that I would blog. The thing about this blog, is that I had been sitting on this idea for a little while. Plus, life has been going pretty damn good for me, so I haven’t had anything on my mind in particular to say, until the other night.

There are times that life brings up “ghosts of the past”. I never did drugs, and I was never an alcoholic, but I’ve gone through some different spouts of addiction in my own right. I’ve seen people deal with other aspects of addiction, and I’ve observed how it’s affected people.

I used to be addicted to food. It was a way I would find comfort in life, and it was something to help me because of boredom. This later one, has tried to creep back in a bit. I’m also addicted to entertainment. That goes anywhere from video games, to movies, and music. I’m also an addict to attention, in particular that of beautiful women.

Food used to be the answer for everything. I mean if you look at society, it would seem that everything is built around this concept of food being at the center of most social gatherings. We have an over eaters anonymous, to help people who can’t stop eating. You go out to relax with co-workers, and it usually ends up at a bar, or a place for dinner. Family gatherings end up with mass amounts of food, and socializing. Any way, you can see where I’m going here. This is easily an addiction that most people don’t seem to realize, but that’s okay. It’s something that with a little thought, can be pondered on, and acted upon accordingly.

I love movies, music, video games. Hell, it all comes down to the fact that I’m addicted to stories. I use them as a way to escape the realities of what life can sometimes be. I can imagine myself to be something greater than I am through these same stories. Part of the issue that comes with this is procrastination. Probably the single worse enemy of any person who should be more productive in life. I found it kind of ironic that as I get into developing, or working on my own projects, the desire to watch or play, becomes far less than it usually is. I like going to the movie theaters because I like the experiences that it provides.

Now, talking about my addiction to attention, is probably the harder one to talk about. I’ve made some really bad choices when it’s come to the attention that I have sought in the past. Being an only child who would get pick on for being a “lesser class” of person on a military base, had given me the bad attention, and I was always wishing that I could fit in. Getting called “fat” and “ugly” are a few words that. stuck with me. They still affect my decisions at times thirty-years later.

My desire of attention has at times been a blessing. I found at a young age that I had the talent to be a performer. While in grade school I was in choir, and then again in high school. I found an even bigger love for acting. I took some classes when I went to the local community college, and I was hooked. This would eventually lead me to wanting to become a director, and the rest is history.

The thing about performing, or speaking in front of people gets me high. It’s an incredible energy that I just can’t get enough of. Part of it was to feed my ego, and there was another part that I loved about making people feel different ways. I’ve always loved to me people laugh, it’s something I still do today. Yet it was even more powerful when I could grab their full attention, and take them on an “emotional rollercoaster ride” with whatever was in my characters intentions.

This is where I found being a writer and a storyteller is an art. The truth is, I want people to feel a mixture of emotions when they see my movies. I want to make people laugh at one moment, and then cry the next. This is where my addiction has taken me. In the end, I just want people to look at the piece, and talk about how it made them feel. I want to know that there was a discovery of something that made them feel a specific way.

The attention from the people I have found attractive, has gotten me in trouble a few times. I see that this part of the addiction is where I can be self destructive. I’ve womanized, I’ve hurt some really good people because of these actions. While I can never take away what I have done. I realize that I can grow from it. I guess this would be the drug that I’ve been addicted to the most. It’s never easy to mention that it had been a problem, and usually when I can’t figure how to deal with what is going on in my life, I find that this has been where I would turn.

I’m not proud that I’ve been this way, but I’ve settled with my problems, and haven’t had to turn this way in a long time. Finding a purpose in life has given me the meaning that I’d been looking for, and self improvement is becoming the new addiction.

Any addiction can be destructive. It can ruin lives, and relationships. I’ve had friends, and family who’ve had addiction as well. It’s always good to find a way to help those who need to get over their addiction. The biggest thing to remember is that the only way to get over any addiction, is that they have to want the help first. I was at  the point where I wanted the change and needed the help, and that is why I’ve been successful with getting over some of my issues. I hope that if somebody needs helps, they can get the help they need.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.