Realigning Priorities

With society being on various forms of quarantine, those who stay home have mentioned things about learning a new skill, or finishing some sort of project that has been worked on, but never finished. I’m realizing that I need to start working on some of those things as well. I still have to work, and being on the night shift doesn’t make my motivation for the waking hours any easier.

I realize that I need to work on stuff that I’ve been working on, and I need to practice skills that I’m still in the early stages of getting better at. On the plus side, I’ve low-keyed gotten a few things done here and there, so I’ll take that as a win. The fact that I’m putting out blogs one to two times a week seems to align with the things I tried to do the last time I was on the night shift. I know that there were a few months that I didn’t seem to have much going on besides staying awake, but I’m going to do my best to keep providing the content. This is both for the purpose of being a creative person, and my mental sanity.

It feels like I don’t have enough time to do anything, except the physical activity that I do throughout the day.  Truth is, I have all these things that I have on the back burner, and I don’t want that to be an excuse, however sometimes I think that I try to take on too much and that’s why I tend to get stagnant when actually getting something out. Man, I also have this plethora of ideas being churned around in my head about this whole Coronavirus ordeal. In fact I think I have come up with a few story ideas, that I think I’ll start notes on here in the next few days.

This situation has also made me realize that I want to start keeping in better contact with those who I actually want in my life. I’ve been reaching out too those that I actually find to be important to me, and hope that I can keep the solid bases for the relationships I have. Doesn’t it bother anyone to want to do more with friends, and find that life has gotten too busy, or that we’ve become too distracted for communications? I know that I’d like to blame it on the fact that I’m too busy doing things all the time, but the truth is, I’m easily distracted.  What is the distraction, you might ask? Video games, movies, social media.

That last one kind of skirts the edge of a complicated relationship, not for just me, but I’m sure there are plenty of others who might relate. I know people like to keep up to date with what’s going on with who. Have we just gotten to the point where we want to know everyone’s business? Has it always been that way? So, there comes the other question: What about you, Chris? Why does social media distract you so much? I know that my view of social media changed after I started going to film school. I also know that my reason’s behind why I do social media has changed quite a bit.

I used to feel that I wanted to share every problem, opinion with everyone. Yes, it’s still true, but I do things a bit differently. I mean I would complain online about work, relationships, etc.. I would also celebrate the triumph and happy stuff too. How is that different than what I’m doing now? Social media is about promoting my brands. That’s what it’s about for me. Part of what it is, using my experiences to show people that there’s a better way, that the thoughts of depression and suicide aren’t always the final answer.

I’m about uplifting, encouraging, seeing others succeed. Watching others succeed in something I wish I was successful at isn’t always the easiest thing too endure. I’d love to be making the incredible content that I see some of my friend’s doing. I’d love to have that job that pays me to do what I actually love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my health and wellness brand, that’s where I find the most success as it is, with the most response. I’d just like my film company to be making something all the time, and I’m sure we’ll get there at some point in the future, it’s just hard to see others take that train to glory town sooner than expected.

I knew that I would end up running into a stump along my path, as I have a few times. It’s not uncommon or unexpected. I knew that putting this burden on myself, would be an undertaking, but I also knew that it would help keep my mind busy, which is a good thing.

One of the bright and consistent things, while I haven’t completely been motivated to workout, I haven’t done too bad otherwise. I’m still getting in workouts, even if they’re not always as intense as I usually do when I workout with Sam. I’m not feeling a shrinkage of any of my clothing that I wear day-to-day.

That’s one of those weird things about my  weight loss journey so far, that I’m in-between  sizes for somethings. I wear an extra-large to a two-x in shirts. I was up to a five-x for the longest time. Now I can wear large shorts, sometimes an extra-large in shorts depending on the make.

I didn’t ever consider that would be in anything under a three-x. So, I’m happy about the work that I’ve put into myself. I’ve also started working on getting to the point where I can do a hand stand, while I’m not there, I think that’s one of the next goals that I’m looking to achieve. This might take sometime, but I know that it’ll be worth it. I think I want to get into parkour at some point in the future. That’s one of those things that Assassin’s Creed(2007) had gotten me interested in.

I can’t believe that I’ve been living this new life for almost two-and-a-half-years now. I have no regrets, and I do think that I wish that I would have made that decision earlier to have the surgery, but I think that I had been in a kind of limbo from the end of 2013 and I was just actually understanding how to come back from it in 2015. It took the instance of actually coming to the realization that I could meet my maker in 2017, that gave me the view of needing to be reborn.

That is exactly what I’ve done, and I have the cognitive view to see how I’m changing. It’s something that I still see, and the realizations coming with that. I’m in the process of dealing with my past and self abuse. I’ve still got a long way to go, and I hope that I can figure it out.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, as it does deal with me as a whole, coming from focusing on my weight loss journey, and my mental health. Things are going well,  considering everything going on in this world. Remember to subscribe, and leave comments to help make this whole thing better and help me to keep improving my content. That’s the director, and that’s a wrap.

Easter 2020

Wow, what a year this is turning out to be, and this being the first real holiday during the Coronavirus epidemic is just adding to the fact that has put strains on our first world lives. On a holiday that I would be spending it with my parents, and my kids, I find that this year isn’t going to be like many others. In fact, I should have been at Wonder Con this weekend, just like I have been for the last few years.

It’s funny to think that a convention would be something that I miss the most. Usually, we’d only spend half a day there since Sunday’s the closing day. I remember last year that we got to watch a Batman and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in a cross over movie, four months before it was to come out. I think we would still end up doing a little something for the holiday on the way home as it was.

This year was going to be exciting because I would get to share the experience of Wonder Con with one of my best friends. Her experience with conventions was always Clexicon which is in Las Vegas, and I think it would be fun to check out. Especially since it’s a LGBTQA+ centric convention in the entertainment industry. It helps to broaden one’s horizons.

The important part is that I did get to spend it with the family that I do live with, and that we’re all relatively healthy, considering everything. That’s something that has been an important highlight thorough out this epidemic, how important family is. How important  human connection is. I never gave too much stock in the ideas of energies until probably the last few years, but I’m starting to get it.

I think the fact that putting positive energy out, instead of the negative energy was something that I started doing to help myself feel better. It’s difficult when all you hear is negative stuff being spoken at work, and that was really starting to wear on me mentally. I wanted to be positive and would only speak positive because I wanted to feel better, and it seems to work. Though I know that it might sound ridiculous, just like the whole practice of positive affirmations, it does work.

Working out with Sam has taught me many things. One of those things is about the energies that connect us, and the energies we use when doing workouts. I’ve also learned that my body isn’t as functional as I thought it would be. I apparently don’t trust my body enough to do things that makes me feel unsafe. I guess that’s what being so heavy did to me, I can’t stand losing control of my body. So now I’m learning to trust being in different positions.

One of those things that I’ve been doing is trying to do assisted hand stands, and I’m getting more comfortable with my body upside down. I’ve actually done it a few days in a row, trying to stay upside-down for around twenty-seconds. This is the start of getting a full on handstand by myself and to be able to walk on my hands.

It feels like as I’m always starting over when I’m getting motivated to workout. At least I haven’t given up, and I am trying to stay mindful of everything that’s going on. I need this focus to help me stay more mentally healthy. I need this focus so that I don’t get back into the shape that I used to be. I think that I might have a slight case of body dysmorphia because of my experiences in life.

As this social distancing thing continues, it feels that life is dragging on. My workday’s are ten-hour days, but most days feel like they could be twenty. Plus everyday seems to feel the same, it’s almost like an eternal Monday going on here. It’s draining because it makes me feel that I’m always tired all the time. I feel like I want to sleep all the time.

I guess that I didn’t  realize that staying active and busy all the time helps keep me energized. I always looked at staying busy as a way to keep me distracted from having depressive thoughts. I know that anxiety, and overthinking are my enemy if I sit alone for too long and then I start questioning everything.

That actually doesn’t seem so uncommon, it makes me wonder why people have that go through their heads as well? It makes me wonder if I share more in common with my fellow person than I may realize? I know that I had a conversation with some female who I thought was popular in school, and a source of one of my crushes in school, and her sharing her story had made me realize that if those who seemed to be untouchably popular(in my mind) have those same struggles to deal with as well.

Going back to the fact that Easter was a different kind of holiday this year, reminds me of something that I’ve been saying for awhile now, this world is forever changed by the COVID-19  pandemic. Which leads to the thoughts of how are they going to stay different? Is the world going to be in a massive paranoia for the next several generations?

Even bigger questions: How are relationships going to change? Are we going to be closer because of this? Are we going to be more selective on who we choose to share our lives with? Seeing a rise in domestic violence, has been an eye opener. I know that I realized that when I would talk to people who would do so much over time, that it wasn’t always about the money, but about the fact that they could get away from the house, and get a break from their families.

I’m a hugger; when I great my friends, I like to hug. It’s always been a sign of affection that I’ve adhered too. Will things be the same afterward, or are we doomed to be slightly apprehensive about it, because of this disease? I personally hope that we can go back and get that connection, the exchanging of positive energies, as I think it is.

I still have those questions about how business is going to be conducted in the future? Are we as a consumer based society, going to go back to buying just for self satisfaction, or are we going to be more mindful where we put our hard earned investment?

Even better: how is this epidemic going to change the face of technology? Where will the advancements go from here? Is communications going to get a better look at? Will we take the lessons from the way Earth has responded and look at a better way to energize our businesses? Communications, business, and the definition of what truly is essential, what a crazy time to start wondering how these will be affected.

I do think that we have a better chance to survive something of this magnitude than when people were around for the Spanish Flu. I’m thankful that we’re all able to stay better connected, even through virtual means. FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, these are just some of the ways we can check in on friends and family and see that they’re doing alright. UPS, FEDeX, and other means from online sources, means that we can have things delivered in record time. This is where technology shines the best. I’m usually one to talk about how technology is going to be the downfall of mankind, however, it can also be used to keep us connected, safe, and I like that idea.

Before I call this a wrap, I would ask a favor of those who actually take the time to read and support my stuff. I’ve got a podcast, and I do these blogs, but I really want to get more interactive with my audience. Please, leave a comment, leave a question. Let’s get a dialogue going. I want to know what you would like me to discuss on one of the many ways I bring content out. I want my readers to feel like I’m writing to their needs or wants. Anyway, like, subscribe, and share so that we can expand the reach of what the message is. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

A Walk In the Moonlight

So, I went out for a walk on Saturday night, and it was clear out. I was surprised by how clear the sky was that night. There was a cloud that cascaded across the sky and was lit up by the moon. It reminded me of looking out across icy dark water, when I was in South Dakota. Looking at the dark, clear sky gave me a feeling that I haven’t had in a long time, peace.

I’ve tried to remain calm through all of this, and I’ve done pretty well so far. I know that I have to keep myself together for the sake of my family, especially since they have the compromised immune systems. That’s been my biggest fear is my family. I mean if it was just me, I wouldn’t be worried as much. However, because of my family, my anxiety has been a bit high.

It has been so much so that I’ve been burying myself in Animal Crossings: New Horizon, just so that I can keep from over thinking things. Yet, thinking about going to work, and the possibility has taken me to thinking about things that I don’t need to think about.

Back to the feeling of peace though, it was a welcomed feeling as these events have affected my sleeping as well. The positive here is that I’m not dealing with insomnia. That usually comes when I’m in a highly stressful situation, or if I’m dealing with my depression.

The world is in a crazy state at this time. I watched a video of someone jumping out of a window in a skyscraper, and landing hard on the ground. This is a dangerous time, not just physically, but mentally too. I think that people who deal with depression and anxiety need to be careful and mindful of their mental health at this time. This is the time that we need to be stronger than ever.

I had a guy come up to me today, and read my shirt, which stated that I was a member of the National Sarcasm Society, and he said that he had the virus and aids. Then he proceeded to cough on me. In my thoughts was that this older gentleman was kind of an asshole. Then I realized that it’s sad because he might be denying what’s happening, because it’s a real situation. I think it’s something that we do to protect our own mental sanity. He didn’t have a mask on, and honestly, might be one of those people who’ll get it. Hell, anyone of us can get it, and that’s a sobering fact.

As I keep getting away from that Saturday night sky, I really wanted to focus on that brief moment in time. As I was feeling at peace, I also had a feeling of clarity, and with that, I knew that everything was going to be alright. I couldn’t even begin to tell anybody how that feeling came about, but I knew it right then. I know that we’re going to have some hard times for a while, but we’ll get through this.

I think that the resiliency of our people are coming from some unexpected places. We’re seeing people coming together to help solve our problems. Yes, our medical staff still needs to supplies and things to take care of themselves.

I’ve heard that some of those places are being asked to take care of Coronavirus patients without protection. This is unacceptable, and the people in charge need to wake up, and realize that all that does is make the problem worse for all involved.

Note: This was last weekend, and I had a week of work between then and now.

While I have an optimistic feeling about things getting better, I’m not going to lie; work has been really long lately. The pace is different and we’re seeing people come through at different times, so it’s kind of feeling like we’ve been doing the eight week of Monday’s in a row.

I mean the situation at work has improved by the fact that we got masks to cover our mouths and noses with while working, but it just seems so long, and I’m having a hard time being motivated to get my extra projects done. I know that it will pass, it’s just a struggle, and I have to get through this.

Now is the time to check on those you know who deal with depression issues. Something like this isn’t good for those who suffer anxiety and over thinking things. I think that overall while I’ve had a few issues, I think that I’m staying fairly sane.

Part of my motivation went out the window this week because it had been raining a good majority of the week. It happened while I was on duty, and while I was off duty. I don’t have any really good rain wear so walking in the rain, just gets me soaked. I did adapt fairly well this week, that is until yesterday(Friday). I think that my tiredness might have something to do with it. Hell, it might just be an excuse, and I shouldn’t let the fact that I don’t have the space I normally would at Flawless Victory be a deterrent for working out. It’s part of that thing that keeps my mental sanity. Sam once told me that the chemical release from the workouts make for the best anti-depressant out there. I’ve discovered how true that is.

Coming back to the subject at hand though: I feel that everything will be alright, it’s just going to take time to get there. Unfortunately if you are to believe the media, there has been a rise in domestic violence since this quarantine has started. I guess that just goest to show that some people aren’t really meant to be together. Work is an escape from the family life-spouse, kids. That’s also why I think parent’s prefer to have their kids in school. It’s not that they don’t love them, it’s just sometimes people feel they need a break.

I guess that I got lucky, because while she drive me crazy at times, I like being around Sarah, I mean we spent so much time together that she’s easy to be around. Plus, I love my kids. I mean Autumn is an adult and stays with her grandparents, which is totally good, because of the fact that we’re so much alike, but I do love my kids.

Little Chris and I share the bond of superheroes and video games. Now I’m also working on educated the little ones in film. Since they both help me on movie sets. Then the fact that they were already doing online schooling makes them being home more normal.

The only thing is that the last time I was on the night shift, they were in regular school and I could get uninterrupted sleep. I find myself waking up when Chris starts to stem. That’s one of the bad things about his autism, otherwise everything else is fine. Getting woken up with just four hours of sleep isn’t fun though.

With that being said, we are living in some strange times, and this is going to test all of us. If not in faith, maybe in fortitude, and we need to be sure that we’re prepared for whatever is thrown our way. I’ll do my best to help keep trying to be that positive light that people need, and that’s why I do what I do. We’re all connected and this whole ordeal has made me realize that I want to be closer to those that I want to have in my life. I want people to actually know that I care and not be someone that just says that.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

If I’m Stuck, What Do I Do?

What a crazy time we’re in. I find myself struggling with motivation. It’s not because I don’t have my training time with Sam, and it’s not that I don’t have access to a gym. While both are true, neither are a good excuse for slacking off. I’ve been struggling since my time in the Emergency Room from a couple of weeks ago. It drove me crazy to have to sit at home and relax. I then found it hard to get the steps, that I would normally get. It’s been something that I’ve been dealing with for a few weeks, and I’m now trying to get to the point where I’m back in the flow of things.

The good point is that it was a bad reaction to something I ate and not the Coronavirus, and yet here I am, feeling a bit defeated by it. I know that all my progress won’t be undone over night, and to be honest, I’m still eating better than I used too. However, I’m in the process of getting that motivation back and working out.

This week was the week that I decided that I was going to be determined to get everything back on the right track. This world is in a bad place now, and I don’t think that I should let it bring me down to mental levels that I had been before. I want to live, and not just that, but I want to keep my family safe. Being someone who’s considered essential personal, and that would be on a normal basis as well, I have to brave being out in the public dealing with people.

As scary as that is, there have been reports made publicly that we’ve had a case of the virus from the area of where I work. My job is taking what precautions that they can to keep us safe, however, nothing’s ever 100-percent safe. This is the time that I’m glad to be working nights, which limits my exposure to the public.

Surprisingly enough, as much as  I wish normalcy would be back in our everyday lives, I find myself wondering if we will rise up as a people, and come out better because of it. My curiosity is wondering how money is invested, and which technologies are going to be the next big thing. Is this going to change the way people interact on an everyday basis? There’s just the concern that not everyone is taking things serious. With that mentality, we could prolong the time for this to die out. People are already complaining that it’s going on too long as it is.

The sad part is that we’re just now seeing how this epidemic is effecting us, and not just from the health point of view. Businesses that people have gone too for years are shutting their doors, never to reopen. This makes me sad because I know that these places provided income and livelihoods to people in our communities. This was someone’s life, who wanted to own their own restaurants, their own books stores. It’s about people’s life savings being used as investments, just to be obliterated into nothingness.

I actually had a conversation about seeing a news report saying that due to inactivity of businesses and people going out, our environment has improved a bit. While that’s a silver lining, does this mean that we, as a people, will take into serious consideration, renewable energy, green energy. If there was ever a convincing example, this is the time to listen. Alas, people will probably go back to the way things were, as money is the driving factor in this world, and that’s been proven time and time again.

There have been some wonderful examples that have been displayed during this time as well. Celebrities pitching in to donate for medical supplies. Big corporations like Disney, stepping up and continuing to pay their employees, even if they’re not working. It shows that we can be a better society than we normally show to be.

Just a side note: As of this moment, it’s been a few days since I’ve started writing this blog, and I’ve noticed a few things that I will talk about in the upcoming paragraphs.

While I was working last night, I noticed something that I hadn’t really thought about since I ended up having those weeks of taking it easy. The fact was that I finally gave myself enough time to finally get my ankle to be completely healed. It took forever since I was still trying to workout, without losing the momentum I had built up over the last couple of years.

I guess that was the way life was saying the I needed to take that time to allow my body to recover fully. I had never thought of that until I was doing my steps last night. I had finally noticed that the strain was gone from my leg. Hell, even my foot was feeling better than it had been for the last couple of months as well. I’ll take all the struggles that I’ve bee going through as a way of saying that I needed to slow down.

Isn’t it funny how divine intervention happens? Some people want to say that it’s God speaking to them, some want to put it all into fate, or the universe talking to them. It just means that I can get back into training harder again. While this quarantine is going on, I know that when I go out shopping for the necessities that I might see if I can pick up some extra weights while I’m out. I never thought that I would actually want to get something for the house just so that I can do home workouts a bit more effectively.

Speaking of divine intervention, isn’t it a strange thought to know that while this is happening to us with the Coronavirus, that we’re more equipped to stay connected while keeping up with social distancing? I mean look at where our technology is? Amazon, Facebook, FaceTime: just a few of the ways we can reach out and get things done, while staying in the comfort of our homes. I find that video chatting is such a better way to communicate than just through texting or a phone call. It feels like more of a connection to that other person.

It’s easier to shop from home and get things delivered to your house. This makes me wonder what’s going to happen when we get through this pandemic. Where are we going to invest in technology? What businesses are going to survive this recession? How is this going to change the way business is done? These are the things that I’ve been thinking about for some time now.

I was watching a news report on Youtube, it was talking about how the air quality has improved noticeably since the world has been on a quarantine status. It felt like it was one of those silver linings that can be seen during such times of trouble. If anything, it might be a good advertisement for investing in green, renewable energy. I want to be optimistic and hope that the world looks at this as a chance to do better with the way we treat our planet and the people around us.

This was a point that I had made with someone I was dealing with at work, and while they had the point of saying that people will go back to being the way they had been before any of this happened. I know that’s probably the most likely factor as unto what is going to happen, I just wish that it wasn’t the case. Money is what drives society, and I am morose at that idea.

We can do better. We should do better. I’m not ready to resign to people accepting the fate of our own destruction. I think that we can, and should do better. If not for ourselves, then for our children, and our grandchildren. This is the opportunity for the world to take the steps forward and make things better for the future. Non of us should accept the fact that our planet is going to be fodder and have a limited time for people to live here. I don’t want to actually live in a world that’s become like Judge Dredd, or Mad Max. While the stories are entertaining, it’s not the kind of world I would really like to be a part of.

Some final thoughts: I found myself having a bit more motivation in doing the things that I need to do for my health. I’m not totally lost in this craziness, and things are getting easier to complete. I’m going to remain hopeful because if I don’t, I might find myself getting depressed about the subject. I struggle right now because I’m considered Essential Personnel, and not in any “temporary” type status. My job has always been considered essential. It worries me, because I deal with so many people in the public. However, being on nightshift, and talking to people who work at different sections at the compound that I work, they are doing their best to limit exposure as well. So, maybe I won’t be exposed to this mess, and in turn, keep my immune deficient family members safe. This has been where all my stress and focus has been as of late. This is part of the reason that I’ve been playing Animal Crossings: New Horizons as a distraction. It’s some of the most pure and wholesome entertainment that I partake with.

Take care of yourselves. Take this situation serious. If not for yourself, then for those around you, because we’ve had deaths, and some of them have been healthy and in consideration, young. We already now that older and youth, are high risk, as well as those who have compromised immune systems. Do your best to stay out of the exposure area. I personally know four people who’ve been dealing with it, and so far their stories have seemed a bit different, and some of the facts about it have been shocking and frustrating, for these individuals. With that, I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.

Quarantined And Staying Healthy

There’s a feeling of rebellion when we are told that we should not do something that we take for granted. In the case of this Coronavirus we are told to stay inside and practice social distancing. Some people think that this pandemic is a hoax, that it’s just made up to instill fear. Some brush it off as just another flu strain that’s going around, and that it won’t be as bad as the media is making it out to be.

My daughter has two friend’s both online and out of state, and they have contracted this said virus. Sarah and I have met both in person, and we’ve never gotten the impression that they would do anything to be anything than dishonest. One of these people we’ve known personally for a few years, and has gained our trust.

The truth is, we’re living in some strange times. We’ve survived the biggest earthquake seen in over twenty years. We’ve seen a country become divided with politics. Now, we’re in a pandemic like something the world hasn’t seen, at least in a long time. It doesn’t look to be finishing anytime soon.

I know that people where hoping that we’d be done and over this by the middle of April. As I said before, not everyone is taking this virus serious. Now, our president has pushed the “suggestion” back towards the end of April, of being quarantined. This is something that has put people into a deeper “funk”.

In my opinion, I feel that this isn’t going to turn better until around June or July. Why, you ask? Because people still aren’t taking it serious. I hear businesses aren’t pushing for the safest work conditions, I’m calling you out on that Hobby Lobby.  People thinking that it won’t be that “bad”, walking around acting like it isn’t a big deal. Look, at the suggestion of professionals, that are asking to stay indoors and social distancing, it’s not really about those individuals, but about the one’s who could die.

This is a virus that seems to spread quickly, while it’s easy to manage, not everyone is taking the precautions that need to be taken to decontaminate themselves. I don’t want to bring it into the house where it could potentially get my wife and kid sick, or worse. It’s called responsibility, and I know people who’ve been actually dealing with this in metropolitan areas, and have heard about the precautions that they’re having to take to protect their own families.

Having three cases pop up in our little town has added a bit of harsh reality for some people, myself included. I hoped that it wouldn’t come here and that we were just being cautious for everyone’s safety. Then I heard that someone came up positive at the facilities that I work around. This scares me, and I worry everyday that I’m there about catching it myself, and passing it on.

This is a tough time, both physically and mentally. It’s just as tough, hell even tougher for those who have to make the harsh decisions about what’s going on. The global economy is going down, and America is feeling this hurt. So, if avoidance is the only way to contain the infection rate, is it worth the economical impact that we’re about to see? People are already starting to feel it in their pocket books. The lower and middle class can’t afford to take the time off, because they struggle to get by as it is. Small business owners are facing the uncertainty of if and when their businesses will be back in running. Businesses that have a lifetime of investment for some people. Big corporations will survive, that’s what they do. It’s the smaller shops that worry me.

The reality of death is something most people don’t like to talk about, and this virus has taken about 700,000 as of March 29th, 2020, that is if you are to believe the media. Yet, I feel that there’s going to be more caused by this virus, and it won’t be the virus itself. The truth is, people getting stuck at home are going to get depressed. Some look at work as an escape from the realities of their home lives. Jokes of needing a break from the kids, or from the spouse have been running rampant on social media. Hell, it’s been a cliche for just for such a long-time as it is.

As we lose money from not working, or as the economy crashes down, we’re going to find the suicide rate going up. I hate the thought of it, but money is something that people stress over. It’s part of the reason we have such a high divorce rate in this country. Depression, loneliness, are very real, and I’ve struggled with them my whole life. So, I can only imagine how other’s will struggle with this situation.

Keep busy, that’s probably my best advice for this pandemic. Play games, connect with family. These are just a couple of ways to keep your mind busy, and that’s the trick here. Stay busy. This is a good time to get those “honey do lists” done. Maybe learn a new skill, or catch up on reading that book you’ve been meaning too. There isn’t an excuse to focus on you and relaxing for a bit. Don’t fall back on the old vices that might not have a positive affect on you as a person. Keep your mind strong, as well as your body, because we will get through this.

It’s often said that it’s easier to give advice, then to take it. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s true. I’m pigheaded and often don’t want to listen to my own sound logic, however, if I do end up staying home(and even if I don’t) I’m going to take this time to work on content. I’ve got scripts that I’m writing, I’ve got blogs that need blogging. Plus, working on podcasts is nice as well. So, as a content creator, I think I’ll be fine. The reality at this time is that I’ve pilfered my son’s Nintendo Switch and have been playing Animal Crossings: New Horizons for the last week. Something wholesome and pure, plus really easy to play.

The one plus is that while it’s put a damper on getting Unexpected Side Trip funded, it has also allowed me to play with other stories, and it also gives me the time to actually review the script and maybe give it another go, since I’ve not touched it for several months. Being versatile has advantages in that way, but if it was a big budget Hollywood movie, I think we’d be in trouble.

On a last note about the global impact the Coronavirus is having: We’re becoming a new world, something about the way things are done is going to change. Do we continue on the path we’ve been on for so long? Or do we learn to do things better, differently, maybe more efficiently? I can’t say how we will change as a people, but I hope that it shows that we have a better side than what has shown so far. Fear has brought out the hatred, the bigotry, and this is something that needs to not happen anymore.

Take care of yourselves, and your fellow person. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

We’ll Ride Out the Bad Times, Because It Gets Better

The worst thing during any part of my journey through life is when the self-doubt hits. The crazy thing was that I hadn’t worked out that week, and from what I’ve been told, could very well factor into part of the why I was feeling that way. The other fact of the reason “why” could also be because of the nightshift at  work. As long as I’m staying busy in some way, the nightshift isn’t bad. However, it’s the slow times that become painful at times.

I know better, yet I also have a habit of over thinking things. I think this is part of the depressive side of me. Having the same words going through my head of not being good enough, and wondering if I am. Who else feels this way? I know that I’m not the only one. God, it sucks to know that the influential years are during the first years of school. I still carry that shit with me today.

Even though I’m out of school, and it’s been for sometime, I still can’t shakes those feelings that I had when I was a kid. I’ve tried to teach my kids not to be that way, and as far as I can tell, it’s worked alright as they are compassionate children. This is at least to the extent that I’ve been able to actually witness with their interaction with their peers. I take that as a parenting win. However, I’ve also witnessed the aftermath of them getting bullied, and I’ve had those concerns as a parent. I worried that some of the thoughts that I had as a child would be common with the one’s that they may have had.

There was a period of time, particularly when I had been going through my bad period that I was really worried about my oldest. Middle School and High School were not the kindest years to her. I’m glad that she went to home school after that instance happened.

As it happens, the other two children are also doing home school. Because of the bullying that the officials “say” they have under control and take serious. That, and also the school system in our town isn’t the best. I feel that they are now in a better curriculum and they have a better chance to thrive. Little Chris has advanced far faster within the last year than he had at his special needs school. It’s just a shame that bullying isn’t taken serious, until a kid commits suicide and bullying is the reason.

Here I am, a man in my early forties, and I still have things from my youth still ingrained in my head. I remember having a conversation with my mom and she had mentioned that she had never realized that I felt that way. That’s something that people don’t always realize, the fact that depression likes to hide itself and not burden anyone. I fell like my problems shouldn’t be anyone else’s. That and I didn’t realize at the time that she had been suffering through her own issues.

I think that’s why I preferred the swing shift. It keeps me busier and that helps me stay in a better mindset. I think that’s why I’m always creatively working on things to keep my own mind busy. That way I don’t have those moments that I feel lonely. I feel that being on the nightshift also has its advantages, I do get to concentrate on more of the things I want, as it isn’t busy like the other shifts. It’s better than the dayshift because I don’t have to get up after only four hours of sleep, however, day’s are the busiest and makes the day go by so much faster.

Mentally I had a rough week, but I started feeling better as my days were ending. I can’t believe that working out was something that helped me feel a bit more aligned. I’ve been told that working out is the best anti-depressant, and so far I believe that it is true. It has been in my case at least. I’ve seen Tweets and had conversations with people who’ve only confirmed this theory. I hate missing workouts, yet life happens and that’s just the way it happens.

On the bright side, I was able to survive that week that was busy, and now I’ve taken a weekend to actually relax. It’s something that I’ve not done in some time, and being able to play  Pokemon with the kids has been a fun bonding experience. Now, I need to get going back on the motivation train.

That was something that I did notice last week,  I was pushing and trying to get my workout in. I was doing my 100 wall push-ups, and then I did 100 squats, which burned my legs. Then working out on Wednesday, I was able to get my son involved with the workout, and then we got one again on Friday. Sam, my trainer, decided to make the kids run. Chris is a bit uncoordinated because of his disabilities, but Sam was impressed with the way Chris could run. He told me that with a little work, Chris would be an even better runner. The best part was hearing Chris complain about how his lungs burned.

Yes, my kids suffered from a good workout, and I thought it was great. I think I needed that workout to get out of the funk I was in. I should have remembered that I would get through that moment. Sometimes, it’ harder to see when you start that process. It’s like when people start to think that suicide is the only option, because in that moment, seeing the light doesn’t seem like an option. I think that’s something people don’t always understand about suicidal tendencies. I’ve heard that it’s a “selfish act” and that “it’s the cowards way out,” but unless someone’s been there, or really studied it, they don’t get it.

I look back and I realize that there are many people who have it way worse than I do. Sometimes, it’s out of their control, and they feel that pressure more because of it. Sometimes, it comes out of the choices we make as people. I’m not one who’s always made the best choices in life, but I’m also not one to run away from what I’ve done, and try and blame it on others. I accept the responsibility for my actions. I wish that I could take back some of the things I did. I wish that my mind wasn’t my greatest enemy, but these are things that I try my best to overcome. Things have gotten so much better over the last several years, I’ve gotten better control of my life, and the weight loss journey is just one of the contributing factors that have helped.

Blogging has been my mental salvation. I know that it isn’t always a subject that people are comfortable talking about, but it’s something that needs to be addressed. I think that the conversation is becoming more common and that people are being more supportive with the struggles. Yes, there are those assholes who think that bringing people who struggle down is funny, but that just goes to show where we as a society should learn to improve the way things are dealt with.

Again I say that blogging has been my mental salvation. I noticed that as I’ve gotten better mentally, I would find less to talk about. Sometimes I would struggle to get something out, and I felt like I was only half-heartedly getting out the content. This would reflect in the views of my posts, and the comments that I would receive. As I struggle to get through my journey at different points, that’s where the views and the comment come in. That’s the time where the support really shines. Yes, I occasionally get negative feedback, but I’m at a point in my life that those opinions don’t matter. The reason? Because it was those opinion that helped get me in the state I was before, and I’m not going to fall that far down ever again.

As always, the is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please like, subscribe, share. That’s the easiest and best way to show support for the project.

 

A Struggle Point After Two-Years

Last week was a crazy busy week! I had to burn the midnight oil at both ends last week. It was a week where there just weren’t enough hours to get everything done, and get the proper amount of rest in the same day. While I work a nine-at-night to a seven-in-the-morning schedule, I had other things that took my focus during the day. Monday was the day for us to get taxes done. Tuesday, after work, I had to drive, with the help of my wife, to a doctor’s appointment for my son.

Wednesday wasn’t much better, while I had taken Tuesday night off, I still had to be to work at seven-forty-five for a physical appointment. I was fortunate that my bosses let me leave half-way through my shift on Thursday night, so that I could travel to meet some one who was four hours away on Friday. As you can see, my week kept me busy.

We got to spend a few hours with someone who I had known online for about twenty-years. This lady was my first internet friend, and had been a person who had been there for me when I needed some advice. First, as a newly discovered father, who wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing. Then, as someone who had kept me sane through bouts of boredom on the slow days at work. She’s been there for me and Sarah for a long time, and for this, I love her.

This is why I hadn’t gotten anything constructive done in the content department since last week. The plus part is that I got to see my long time friend the weekend before take his first steps going towards the weight loss journey.

Now, it’s time to get to the subject at hand: two-plus-years since my surgery, and I’m struggling. I’m seemingly stuck at 265 for weight since May of last year. Yes, I’ve gotten below it, however I always seem to come back to this weight, and it’s frustrating. I’ve also seemed to have lost motivation for some of the things that I was striving to get too. I’m always struggling to keep myself positive anymore.

One thing that has struck me in the biggest way is the fact that I don’t want to promote at work anymore. I’ve decided that I need to go another way, until I can start supporting myself with the CK Project and Luckey Bom Films. I guess that I’m just tired of feeling negativity in the environment around me.

Maybe this is part of the reason I’ve been feeling that way? I know that I’ve been dealing with people and it seems that some of them just suck the positive energies out of me. This isn’t easy for me to deal with as I’ve got my own demons to deal with, and while I try to help people, I think that I might have to step away for a while and refocus.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in my own head, searching for answers that I just can’t seem to come up with. I know that the weight loss journey is worth it, and that I will over come these hurdles that are holding me down, it’s just being in my own head is the hard part. It feels that I’m searching for something more, and the problem is, I’m not sure what that “more” is. Why do I have to feel like my own worst enemy all the time?

I’ve been thinking about more about this then I should have to give the energy too. Maybe this is apart of the transition? I have a level of tolerance that’s been pushed, and the bullshit is just getting too much. Yet, at the same time, I hear that I need to have patience, and that’s not something I’m always good at. Then I find that some level of depression keeps me from going and pursuing some of my other goals. This struggle is always a back-and-forth with me.

On the positive side, at least self-harm isn’t a factor in my thought process anymore. That’s probably the biggest part of my progress that I can call a win. Suicidal ideology isn’t a laughing matter, and to have that thought process since the age of seven is a bigger tragedy. I think it’s a bigger tragedy that we have lived in a toxic society that encourages a system of worth based on a superficial check list. Poor? “You have no worth”. Fat? “You’re lazy, and have no worth”. Weird? Strange? Unpopular? I think that my point is made. This is something ingrained at a young age.

I will overcome this current mindset, I know this. It’s just somedays the light at the end of the tunnel is hard to see. Sometimes the path isn’t always the clearest, and it makes the journey hard to see. Looking back, I’ve come a long way, and this isn’t just something that I chose to do on a whim. I’ve been working on this for almost six-years, and I’ve come a long way. This is something that nobody but myself and take away from me.

I know that I won’t stop, I just struggle, and I’ve seen something that happens with many weight loss surgery patients that I know. It seems that after awhile, they get complacent and let the weight go back up. I don’t want to be one of those people. I like the way I feel, and I want to continue to improve, and I want to become the best version of myself. I think that’s a goal worthy of obtaining.

Sometimes, we can’t understand why people would lose motivation to do things. Life isn’t always kind to us. I feel that so much can happen to us in our lives that it’s not always in easy to keep up the positive vibes. Life happens, people get sick, and it takes a toll. Sometimes, you have well intentioned people who come into your life, and yet their needs tend to drain the energy from you because their issues are too much for them to control. As much as I’m all about the ninety-percent is about reactions to the situation, sometimes the persistence can chip away and eventually break someone down. Maybe this is a boundary thing that I have to set? Maybe I need to tell people that I can’t give them the “spoons” required to help feed into their troubles because it’s becoming too much for me.

I’m always an advocate for mental health, and I’m always one to show support for another person, especially in their time of need, but sometimes it gets too much. I feel guilty because it’s not something that I think that I can get continue on providing the help. The conversation is always the same, and I think that I’m at the point where I’m just done with it. Maybe stepping away from that conversation is what is needed to preserve the friendship? Maybe, it will be so offensive to the person that it ruins the friendship? I’d hate for that to happen, because I hate losing people in my life. Sometimes that’s the way it goes though. If they’re a real friend, they’ll respect that boundary though. Lord knows that I’ve been hear with people before, and while I’ve lost friends over it, I’ve been better off without them in the end.

As I write this, I’m actually feeling a bit better, which is part of the reason I started blogging in the first place. I will continue to improve myself, but the path isn’t always a smooth one, and I am a person who is constantly filled with self-doubt. I will struggle and I will have days that I fail, but it isn’t failure unless I give it up. That’s not something I plan on doing, because I spent too much time being trapped in a body that I didn’t feel like it was mine. If anyone is questioning, no, I’m not doing this because of the way anybody else might have perceived me, but I hated the feeling of not feeling in control of myself.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

A Shout Out to all the Mothers

I’m friends with a diverse group of people. One of the commonalties amongst my friends are that I have mothers in my life. I’ve seen some of them become first time mothers. I’ve seen some deal with the loss of children, yet they all share the common bond of creating life from within.

Being a parent can be emotionally and mentally draining. Some mother’s have the hardest time during their pregnancies which leaves a physical toll. While I usually don’t blog about this, I have to speak my mind because I don’t think mother’s always feel the appreciation for a job that often times goes thankless. So, without further ado, I dedicate this to my mom, my wife, and all the other ladies who have allowed me into their lives, and get to be called mom.

I’ve seen you post on your social media that you feel like you look like crap, you get no sleep, and you need a break. I see that you feel unattractive because you’ve got stretch marks, and you no longer fit into that size six you were in as a young adult.

I feel your frustration when the kids are screaming and fighting. They throw a tantrum when they don’t get their way, or are rude because of the food you make them. I hear you when you say that you don’t feel like you get any help.

I’m fortunate because I’m a father, and my kids have both parents in the house. I know that it’s not always the case for you, estranged, or single. I don’t say this to brag, or rub it in. I say it because I’ve seen the frustration in the eyes of the person that my children call mother. I’m dad, and I’m the fun one, and I’m the one that the kids seem to respect, and hate to get yelled at by. Again, I’m not bragging, I’m just stating that it seems like I have it easier than you do, and I have an appreciation for the hard work you do.

There have been a few times where I had to pick up the slack because Sarah was sick, and I find that it can be difficult to manage  the house as gracefully as she does. I know that when I was a larger person it would limit the way I maneuver around the house. I’m in awe by the magic of you, a mother being selfless in a place where those little lives depend on you. They don’t recognize it, not yet, but the moment you’re not there, they will.

Being a mother is under appreciated. Your children act out in public, and then you’re being judged about not being a good mother. We have an autistic child who has melt downs, and the judgmental looks on the faces of people who have no idea is there. So, I see and understand the feeling.

Being a mother means that you hold so many different job titles, and non of them pay what they are worth. The payment you get is this: You get to see your children grow up and use what you’ve taught them to become better human beings. You get to see them become adults, and hopefully have their own families. This is the chance for you to become a grandmother and reap the benefits of all that hard work you had done to help these small humans survive.

You don’t feel attractive because of the stretch marks, and you’ve gained the weight that seems forever to get off. I’ve seen those insecurities, and I’ve got to say this to you now-you’re beautiful. Those marks, and that weight shows that you did the most amazing thing that I couldn’t ever begin to imagine. You gave birth, you helped carry life for nine months. You are a Goddess, and no-one can ever take that away from you.

You put your life a risk for a small thing that took everything it needed to survive from your body for those nine months. Sometimes, it might have left a bigger toll on your body than it should have. Hell, I experienced that when my own children were born. Most of that time, my own wife was away from me in a hospital. Most of that time, the stress got too high for me to handle as well, but I was there everyday to support the person that would give me the greatest accomplishments in my life. My appreciation goes much farther as she had gone through great personal risk to have our two children come into this world. For this, my wife will never know how grateful I am for them.

This dedication isn’t just for my own family though, this is for those mothers who have some sort of connection in my life though.

I see the struggles of a young mother raising a child on her own. I know it’s hard because you can’t seem to have any adult time to unwind, and be yourself for a change. However, I do promise you that all that hard work you’re putting in isn’t getting unnoticed. Mark my words that no matter how things happen, one day your child will understand and appreciate the sacrifice that you made. I see it, and I know as frustrating as it is, I see the growth that’s coming from it.

Mother, I see that your teen children go off and treat you like you don’t matter to them. They roll their eyes every time you ask them to do something. They say those words that hurt, “I hate you,” and it gets harder as things like, “you’re ruining my life,” are said. I find that the most ironic part, as the children will never know the meaning of that. As a mother, you have to be selfless. As a mother, the life you had lived before conceiving had been ruined.

That’s not to say that’s such a bad thing, but until that realization comes to them, they’ll never know the truth. They’ll never grasp the appreciation they should. They don’t know that there are nights you’d stay up thinking of them because of their sickness. Hoping that everything would be okay.

So, while you don’t feel that you get the love or appreciation of being a mother, and you might not like the way you look in the mirror. Know that your job is appreciated and it does get recognized. From this father, friend, and son- thank you for all the mothers who’ve selflessly given of yourself. Know that what you might think has made you look less than attractive, is just the thing that should be appreciated so much more about you.

I can only fathom part of the journey as a parent, but the connection of a mother runs that more deeply. To quote Eric Draven from The Crow, “Mother is the name of God, on the lips of children.” I honestly think that’s one of the best lines I’ve ever heard. I also think that it rings true.

Thank you for letting me take this whole blog and dedicate it to you, the women in my life. Sarah, thank you for giving me the two biggest, best gifts that at many times frustrate me. Thank you to my mother, and to my step-mother, as they both have loved me, and help make me into the man I am today.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

 

 

Let’s Get Caught Up

Wow, it’s been a while since I last blogged. So much has happened. For one I did start a blog last month about it being my two-year-anniversary since my weight loss surgery, and how it changed my life, but life got in the way with other things, and I became less motivated to finish that blog.

With that being said, I figured that I would turn this into a hodgepodge of several things in a blog and cover all my bases.

I had my two-year-anniversary since I had my gastric sleeve done, and so far I’ve teetered between around 167, and 169 pounds being gone. That’s not bad by all means, but being at a plateau like that since May has been a bit discouraging.

In the last few months I’ve started training a bit differently and going from weight training to body weight training. It’s different, and feels more challenging for me. I do still get in the weights from time to time, but I prefer this new type of training because it seems to hit the muscles down deeper.

Part of the changes that have happened is that I have become more aware of my body. I realize the spots that have weakness, and I try to be a bit more mindful when they start to hurt. Stretching is one of those ways that I try to compensate for some of the issues. My left knee is usually the one thing I can’t ever seem to get completely stretched out. I’ve had to find a few different positions to get that right stretch in.

So, this brings me up to the things that I wanted to get caught up on for  the new year. I’ve started a food journal on Tumblr, and I find that it is keeping me a bit more honest than I thought. I defiantly consider more about what it is that I’m eating, and I hope that this is one way that helps get me back on the path of losing weight. This is also something that I’ll be adjusting and evolving as I go along. Right now, I just keep track of what I’m eating, and soon I’ll be adding calorie, carb, protein count into the mix. The bright side of this is that I’ve been constant over the last few days.

On the opposite end of this, is the fact that when I was doing Weight Watchers, I hated keeping track of what I would eat. I started out doing well, but it just kind of fell out of the way. I guess that it helps I’m in a different spot mentally.

Out of all the changes in my body since I’ve been working out, I feel that my shoulders have defiantly shaped up the most nicely, and I can’t weight until my stomach gets a bit flatter. I’ll have to talk to the doctor about the skin removal surgery in ten days, which will also be my forty-first birthday. I’ve been seeing some of the skin removal results from fellow weight loss people, and I’m still a bit nervous about this whole thing.

I think that’s where the vanity comes in. I’ve got surgical scars, but I’m not looking forward to having more, especially some that would literally be right under my nose. I know that for health and comfort, it’s probably the best decision and I can’t wait until I can fit in clothes better. I’m just not excited for the eye sore that will come from the end product. I’m also not looking forward to the recovery process, and I’m gathering how bad it’s going to be.

It’s strange because when I had two-thirds of my stomach removed, the recovery time wasn’t as bad as it could have been. The first month was hard, but it got so much easier as I went along, and the first month was the hardest part, both physically and mentally. the mental part is what surprised me the most.

So, as we continue on with this blog, it’s a new year. I’m not going to say the generic, “New year, new me,” statement because I actually have come to dislike it. I figure if you’re going to change habits, and be a better person, then why wait? Just do it! Start the change now, and keep it going into the new year. The whole concept of the new year is wiping the slate clean, just kind of baffles me anymore. It’s just another day, and things are going to continue the way you choose to handle them. All a new year does is give you a new number to deal with.

However, with that being said, this year is going to prove to be a step in the right direction as it is. With the shameless cross promoting that I do, we are striking the right cords to get Luckey Bom Films going with three projects in the works, and Unexpected Side Trip seems to keep getting pushed back for financial reasons, we’ll be hitting up the crowdfunding soon enough. I’m excited because it’s just one of the scripts that I completed last year. I’ve finished a second draft of Life Happens and I’m excited because I’m getting in front of the camera for that one. It’s a bit bitter sweet because I had been working on the idea for the last four years, and to finally see the story fleshed out feels like an accomplishment. It’s also the longest script I have done so far.

The final script that I’ve been developing is a rehash of the first short that I ever did, Appreciate What You Got. It’s one that I was inspired to create a character off of an amazing young lady the I had gotten to know through interactions at work, and it was the first short I ever developed. The original project showed me a glimpse of what I was starting to get myself into, and fortified my passion as a story teller.

One of the exciting things about all my stories so far, is that with my friend Ed, who played Nash Gray, and has let me use some of his creative properties to help tell stories, i.e. Nash Gray, Unexpected Side Trip; has helped me come up with the idea that I should have my own shared universe. That is something that I’ve been able to do, and is something that as a writer I find exciting when I can start tying things in together.

I’ve also got some other things planned in between projects that I’ll be doing, I just have to wait before I say too much about that.

The CK Project  is also getting some love this year, as the podcast is gaining momentum. Combining that with some magic of having a film production company, we’ve come out with our first multi-cast last month. That’s what took me so long to get anything out content wise, and I’m still developing my visual skills in post production.

As far as the podcast goes, I’ve been connecting and networking with so many people that we’re looking to bring on several guests with in this year. It’s going to be an adventure as we’ll be having people from across the states join us. People that I’ve known for years, people that it seems like I’ve just really gotten to know through the whole weight loss journey. The CK Project  is going to another level as we are looking to make it a non-profit business, to help raise awareness and funds for mental health. The niche that the podcast is finding is weight loss and the affects on mental health. While we talk about a number of things, mental health seems to be the subject that keeps popping up, and it’s seemingly getting people interested in our message.

Yet to finish off where things are going, I do have a third brand, which is gaining the momentum that we wanted. The Geekultural Experience is a passion project of mine and Sarah’s. As we are geeks, and it’s one of the many things that I’ve had that has gotten me connected with people. We’ve got a podcast, which we’re still finding our niche, but it’s also helped Sarah start a few things on her own. She’s started up a local Steampunk group called the Coggle Society, and I think this is something that she’s going to shine in. I totally support that she’s doing this, however I’m not into the steampunk scene like she is. Though watching her work on this and watching her grow as a person because of this has been a wonderful thing to see.

We’ve got a busy year a head of us, as we’ll be doing charities as well as working in the community on a couple of other projects that are in the early stages of development. More details will be coming out as we get further into it.

With that, holy shit! I had more to say then I thought I would. I am the Director and that’s a wrap.

Hard Work For Better Gains

As with anything else in life, you get what you put in. Eating right can some times be hard, especially since there are so many temptations being marketed out there. I find that it can be hard also because most “healthy options” are costly. Yet, this is an essential part of the weight loss journey.

Exercise is the second part that is essential for the weight loss journey, and is just as important as eating right. The harder the workout, the better the progress for shape and strength. This is something I struggle with because I find it hard to push through at times. I want that brief second of rest so that I can power through the rest of my sets. It’s usually right as I’m getting to my fourth round of my circuit training. Every time I do push, I feel like I want to die after my workout, which is a good sign.

Then it comes the really hard push, that will give me the momentous gains. That’s my brands. Working on one brand is a full-time job as it is, but I’m taking it even farther by having three brands that I work on. This is where I feel most of my success comes from, it gives me the focus that I need to carry out all my plans.

I have filled my life with all these positive things that keep me going in the right direction. I’ve had times where I was lost and I wasn’t sure where I needed to go, or where I wanted to go. With depression, there is many times that I would doubt myself. I would feel unworthy, I would feel like a failure. I felt that the world would be a better place without me.

With this mental level, I felt that my family would carry-on and eventually find better life if I no longer existed. At this time, I also felt that I was the worst person ever and undeserved of love. This is what depression feels like. Yet, if you would ask if I was okay, then I would say yes, because I didn’t want to burden anybody. I felt that I needed to deal with it on my own.

This is why I evolved the CK Project. It started out as a weight loss thing, to hold myself accountable, but after my period in the darkness, I had to make it something more. After watching people be affected by seven suicides, I knew that I needed to do something else. I felt guilty for having those feelings, I felt even more guilty that I wasn’t able to reach out to these people and try to let them know that they weren’t alone in this struggle.

I took my experience, and decided to use my story as an example that there are other ways then suicide, there are better options. At this time, I didn’t consider myself a survivor. All I wanted to do was help someone else. This was at a time that I still didn’t see the “value” in my own life.

Once I found purpose with going to school, things started to change. I found my direction, and the accomplishments that I was doing started to add value to myself. Investing in myself, was the right choice, and once I got to be a director, I found the thing that was going to keep me going.

By this time, I was getting used to putting in the hard work, but I needed to gain more. See what I did there? So, I was in the last leg of my schooling, and I started to realize that I wanted to change more because I didn’t like the way I was physically feeling. I felt that I wasn’t in the body I was supposed to have, and I was ready to change that too.

So, I started to look into having the gastric sleeve surgery. I had heard that it was the safest option, and I’ve known people who had it done, with no regrets. At that time, I decided that I hadn’t heard anything about the negative side, and one of my best friend’s had also considered the surgery, so I decided that I would blog about it, both the good, and bad. I wasn’t going to hold anything back.

So, using my CK Project platform, I decided that my experience could be used as a tool for others to learn from. I realized that it went full circle from weight loss to mental health, back to weight loss, but I didn’t fully realize the connection between the two.

This is why I keep so busy, because everything I do, outside of work is just another way in attempt to have an outlet. It was a struggle when I felt that I didn’t have that release from the stressful situations, and it just brought me down. I find things that could serve more than one purpose for me.

This blog is the perfect example, as it started out as something for a class, I did a bit of research after and discovered that this was a good place to start out as a blogging site. I decided that this would be a better platform than Facebook to talk about my issues, and it would make it easier to distribute on other social medias. So, where does this serve more than one purpose? Well, I figured that blogging would help me sort out my thoughts, and it has in so many ways. It also helped me as a writer, that was the other thing that I wanted, to be a better writer.

So, I’ve gained a therapeutic way to sort my feelings and experiences while using my struggles and examples to help others, and it has helped me with the written word, and to think as a writer. I’ve gone from writing an average of 412 words per blog, up to over 830 words a blog. My scripts have gotten better and longer as well.

So, my suggestion for everyone is to put in the hard work. The reason is because you’ll benefit and grow in way that would be unexpected. How do you find the motivation? Do the things you love, damn what others might say, unless you’re a serial killer or something, that’s not a good thing. Too many people seem to lose passion from their lives, and passion is a strong guide and motivator. Self-improvement is the best investment any person can have, because it isn’t something that can be taken away.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.