When It’s Out of Your Control

Ten-percent, is the things that happens that’s out of your control. ninety-percent is how you react to it. This is something that I’ve mentioned several times over in the previous blogs in the past. With that, I’ve been pretty good about navigating life that way. It tends to work, and help keep the mindset in a good view on life. However, what happens when that ten-percent starts to push the bounds of comfortability?

Frustration has been something that has been going on with me for the last week or so. Is it because I’m having to depend on communications and technology from various areas, that aren’t immediately within my grasp. Anxiety of depending on things that I can’t control has been something I’ve really been feeling the last few days. I’ve also said before that technology can be great, yet there are times that I absolutely loathe society’s dependence on it. I think it’s funny because technology has made filmmaking even more cost effective than ever before.

I guess that the anxiety comes in because of the unknown. It’s common that people would get anxious during situations of uncertainty. It’s taken my focus and put me off track on things that are important for me. Regret can come from decisions that were made. I’m not trying to go there though, because in the end, I feel that I made the right choice. Though in hindsight I could have been a bit more patient before making the choice I made, yet here I am. I know that things will work out. I just need to take that frustration and anxiety, and turn it into patience.

The pressure is still there, especially when taking on responsibility. I worry about the fact that the choice I made could damper if my family is supported. Now, in the end I’m sure everything is going to be okay, but that unknown still puts me on edge. It just shows that I like to be an adult and take on those responsibilities that come from both being one, and being a parent. I strongly feel that where the anxiety comes in, when feeling like being a failure at either one.

One the bright side of the struggle is that once you get past the point and are guaranteed to make it through, the relief and piece of mind are well worth it in the end. So, what happens to those who don’t get to that point? What about those who fall down on “their luck”? These are often the people we see on the side of the road, holding up the Will work for money signs. What do we do about them? I think this is were things get tricky, because some become dependent on drugs as a way to cope with the hard times in life. There are those who also find it as a way to beat the system and take advantage of people’s good hearts. I’ve been in the situation where I’ve given money to those in need, and I’ve also ignored those who’ve been in need.

I’ve recently been put in that situation, and I’ve lost someone because of how I run my principles in life. I take care of me and mine first. If I’m unsure if they’ll be provided for, then I won’t help others. It may even sound harsher than I’m intending it too, but with the shift going on in my life, I wasn’t sure when the next pay check was coming, and I was told by someone that I didn’t really care about them. That’s the furthest thing from the truth, and it hurt. I just know that I’ve got to think of those I’m responsible for.

Anxiety and frustration are hard to control because life can get complicated. One of the things that I’ve learned is that there’s not always a right or wrong answer, the path isn’t always clear. It’s only the consequences of the decisions that we make. I realize that putting it that way makes it sound bad, but it’s just the end result. By my saying no to someone that I care about, because I’m taking care of my responsibilities, I may have lost that person in my life. I can continue on and do the best I can, hoping that person will understand and come back, or I can let it eat me up.

That’s something that I’ve had a bad habit of doing in my life though. I would let even the littlest of things eat me up. I’ve let too many negative situations and people live rent free in my head for so long. Is this something that’s a common occurrence with others? How do we over come such things? I think the answer is in forgiving, both ourselves and those who’ve hurt us. All any of us can do is try and be the best version of ourselves, and try and make the best decisions that we can. Does it always work? No. Some people tend to have self-destructive natures, and making bad decisions can have a certain appeal. It feels like an adrenaline junkie: Will I get caught? How long can I get this feeling to last.

This also brings up a point that I’ve stated in the past, we are our own worst enemies. I know that when anxiety, or depression come along, that’s when I’m not at my best. I start looking for some sort of validation, and continue to seek it. Strangely enough, usually they will follow each other. I remember times when I was working night shift hours, the anxiety of not being able to keep busy with conversation would start getting me to think about my depression. There would be times that just thinking about the dark places that I’ve been, would give me anxiety. It’s funny that I’ve noticed things in life tend to go in a vicious circle. Maybe there’s more than one reason it’s called the circle of life?

I’m not religious by any means. I consider myself spiritual because I do believe that there is a higher power. I hear my old, boxer friend, Philip in my head when he would tell religion is for those afraid of going to hell, spiritual is for those who’ve already been. Well, I’ve been there, and I think those who deal with some form of mental health issues have been there. PTSD, trauma, depression, addiction, these are all various versions of hell. Sometimes those demon’s win, which results in death. Losing a loved one in these situations is never easy.

Being one who’ve been on the brink of harming myself like that, a bit of an insider view is this: the better alternative isn’t always something that’s thought about. That’s not even an option on the table when going through some of those hard times. Yet, being strong enough to survive, and being able to find the help to deal with the issues can give a better outlook on life. It’s all about the mind, body, and spirit, when they are aligned, things flow better. Working out is a natural version anti-depressant. It helps the mind focus, and for some, it’s like a religion. Just something to think about, when getting into a negative mindset.

Patience is something that has been difficult for me to come by at times. I’ve not had much anxiety in the past few years because of that ninety-percent of how I handled it would be to try and keep positive through things. Do you have any suggestions on handling anxiety? Hit me up at ckproject@zohomail.com. Leave me a message or comment down below, and let’s get this conversation started. Don’t forget to subscribe to get the latest blogs when I write them. All any of us can do is to better ourselves, improve the way we treat each other, and hopefully leave the world a better place than when we got here.

I look forward to hearing from you, and hope that we can build a community and lift each other up. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

March Dragged, April Flew

It’s crazy how the events of this year has gone so far. With the Coronavirus epidemic, March seemed like the longest month ever. Mentally,  I think society was put to a test that nobody had time to study for. Every workday for me felt like Monday, and there were meme’s that echo’d that same sentiment. Life became more stressful than was expected, and my concerns for my family had hit an all-time-high.

In contrast to March being the longest month known to man, April just decided to run off and be done in like two weeks. It’s crazy that May is already upon us. This year has already been interesting and more testing than I think anyone would care to admit. This is going to be an interesting year. I know that I’ve said it about one-hundred times, but it’s true. I want to say that this may be that situation that’s become a survival of the fittest. That’s a shitty way to look at it, but it seems to ring true.

I know that one of the things I’m doing is I’m going to do that No Zero Day May challenge like I did last year where, the object was to have at least thirty-minutes of activity everyday. I’m not going to actually ask anybody to join me in this challenge this year, well, because of the current circumstances, I don’t feel that it’s going to be appropriate too. If you do want to join and share on the CK Project, I won’t turn it down. I’m just not going to be all about it for others at this time.

Mental sanity is important, and I’m feeling that I’ve been in the right mindset for it, mostly. I think that the night shift is wearing on me, and while I’m working towards the fourth month, of my six-month rotation, I don’t foresee us changing shifts in July, like we would normally do. The Coronavirus also makes looking for work a bit more difficult, as I’m looking to grow professionally.

The stay-at-home-order has caused issues for many people. Some feel that they are being oppressed. Some of the complaints I’ve heard seem a bit like first world problems and it makes me sad. Look, this order isn’t about you. It’s to prevent the spread of something that could affect others. I might feel different about this because I know people who’ve actually contracted it. I’m glad that they’ve survived and it gives me hope that if I happen to get it, and accidentally contaminate my family, they survive as well.

That always adds to the mental health, stress, anxiety that tends to come around. I know that this doesn’t just apply to myself, but others as well. Just know that it will eventually get better, we just need to learn to be patient while this continues on. Truth is, nobody really knows what will happen once we open the country up. I mean we can predict and I’m in the thought of it’s just going to get worse, before it gets better, however, I also hope to be wrong about this.

Talking with my father, he said he heard that this won’t be over for two-years. I had to sit back and think about it. Cabin fever is a bitch, and I can’t imagine what would happen to our society if that’s the case. I mean the last time something like this happened was in the early parts of the nineteen-hundreds with the Spanish Flu, the biggest difference is that technology has greatly improved and made communications better.

Writer’s note: I started this blog a few days ago, I read something to add to this.

So, we’re getting ready to start easing back into a more fully functioning society. With that comes a whole new set of anxieties and stresses that come with it. Yes, I know that people are looking forward to getting back to a sense of “normalcy”, but the truth is, I don’t think there’s going to be “normalcy” for a long time. This will even be more true if history repeats itself and this turns out to be like the Spanish Flu. The second wave ended up being more fatal than the first one, and the number of deaths were quite a bit larger.

I’m not saying that history will repeat itself, however, history has a sense of irony that way. If this whole ordeal has taught us anything, is that we’re being lied too from all directions, and it’s unprecedented how much information is either false or misleading. So, can we check this off on another reason that anxiety is running high? I think this is coupled with the argument that people who seem to be supporting the “facts”, generally choice to listen to what fits their views and narratives. So that brings to question, is that really what’s defined as facts? Just because it fits the narrative that is being pushed?

Sorry, I went off in a different direction than I was expecting. It might be because of a conversation that I read online, or something. I try to stay away from talking religion and politics, because it generally brings out the worst in people. This is learned by spending way too much time on social media. This can also bring on another level of anxiety as well.

My social media has evolved into my brand work, and that’s it. I figure that if people are motivated to push their opinions and sometimes be mean to each other, that I can just scroll on. Guess what? It works! This is how anxiety can be reduced, by not focusing on the negative. I know people who I wish would do that, but it doesn’t happen, yet here I am, scrolling past, because it isn’t worth the stress and anger that tends to dwell within these things.

Remember the ninety-percent rule: The things in life that you can’t control are about ten-percent, while the other ninety is how you choose to react to it. I can’t remember where I heard this, but it’s something that’s stuck with me for so long now, and I agree with it. It’s seemed to make life easier to manage that way. I don’t always abide by that rule, remember the meltdown of 2013? Yeah, and it’s made me better for it for sure. The focus is where it needs to be.

Remember that life is surprising, and there are nuggets of randomness that comes at us. The epidemic is just one of many things that show us who we are. How do we want to be seen after all of this is over? Do we continue in the current journey’s that we are traveling, or do we look to grow and become better from it?

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Twenty Pounds Worth of Plastic

So, on May fourth was my seventeen month check up, and I had dropped another one and a half pounds since the last time I personally checked. So that put me at 265, and I was excited. My hard work continues to pay off, it’s just not as fast at it once was. Though the numbers continue to help motivate me to keep going.

Things have happened that kept me from getting to this blog started on May sixth.

While I was there the subject of skin removal had come up by the doctor, and he told me that removing stomach skin would take off an additional twenty pounds. This was exciting, but at the same time anxious news. While the idea of losing my extra skin sounds great from the vanity point of view, doing my observation on the weight loss support groups has shown me that the procedure has a a painful recovery time.

The recovery time is six weeks from what I gather, and that would mean that another six weeks of my life would be put on hold. While that doesn’t sound that bad considering the ultimate pay off, it still puts a tinge of nervousness on me. I know that I will go through it, as I plan on continuing to the final parts of this weight loss process, and I know that I still have about six months, if not more, to decide when I’ll get it done.

Continuing on the subject of my weight loss journey, I was on Instagram last week, and I saw on the West Medical page that yours truly was the transformation Tuesday for them. I was in shock, but I do remember telling them that they could use me as an example, especially since I seem to be doing my journey the right way. I needed up checking it out on Twitter as well, and I tweeted them and asked them if I could get on a billboard once I reached my goal weight.

To me, that just gives the CK Project that much more legitimacy, and it shows that my hard work is paying off. Hard work, that doesn’t always come easy. There are times I want to quit, and give up on everything. There are times that I still feel like I’m at 429. I was told just yesterday that it should take about seven years for me to get out of that mind set. In the end, I know that I have this, even if it’s a struggle at times.

Now to the point of why this blog has taken so long to get out: I’ve been mentally at a spot that I haven’t felt comfortable about where the pressures in life have been coming from. I’ve felt in adequate, and I can’t really pin point the source of why I’ve been feeling that way.

The last two weekends, my sleep schedule has been shit. I haven’t been able to shut my mind off, and it’s been difficult not thinking about everything under the moon. I hope that the steps that I’ve taken to forward myself professionally works out the way I would like. I’ve had to take a step back and look at all the factors in my life, and formulate a five year plan. So far, it’s too early to see those results, as it’s just starting.

The strange part about my decision was that it was never apart of the over scheme for my life, and I said that I never would take that leap. God, things really have changed for me over the last year and a half. So much has happened that has been unexpected, and here I am, finding a different passion, and connection to life. This journey continues to take me places that I find surprise me, and the choices that I make.

For the last thoughts on this blog today is that I started a challenge that I found on Tumblr, while I’m in someone’s challenge there, I reached out on my various social media pages, and posted a fun challenge called The No Zero Day May challenge. The challenge consists of doing some sort of physical activity everyday during the month of May, no rest. You can do a light walk, as a rest day, but the challenge is to keep it going all month.

The awesome part is that I have three people that I personally know taking this challenge, and I’m excited to see their results everyday. My friend Terry has taken this challenge and is kicking so much ass, and his results are making me proud. He’s been my friend for over twenty-years and I’ve seen his health go down hill, that to hear that his weight is dropping and his blood sugar numbers are going down, is a gift unto itself.

I can’t believe that we’re already almost half way through the year already. It’s crazy to see how things are going so fast. I’m not ready for my oldest to graduate next month, and then become a legal adult. Anyway, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.