Smacking The Mat

Wow! It’s interesting that I went in a different direction with my personal training. My friend and personal trainer Sam has told me that I’m ready to go to the next level of my workout. We’ve gone from lifting weights unto mat training, in where I’m doing body weight exercises. This is showing me exactly where I needed to go for my conditioning.

This week challenged me in ways I wasn’t expecting, yet I feel that this is exactly what I needed to help break this plateau that I’ve been stuck on for several months. The downside is that my feet and legs are all scraped up. The strange part is that my toes were hurting last night while at work.

Part of this new fever into my training is that I’m also hitting about 700 calories a night from my walking, and it’s been that way for fifteen-days-straight.  I’m glad that I’ve had the chance to refocus on what’s important in my weight loss journey. I’ve got challenges ahead, but I will overcome those same challenges.

Watching the videos from my workout is kind of a painful experience as I feel that I look silly, but it is a lot of hard work. Plus it’s quite fun with this new challenge. Did I mention that my toes even hurt? Of course I did. It’s amazing how the exercises are now hitting the smaller parts of my muscles, and doing the Bear Crawl, I could tell that my shoulders were already in trouble.

It’s been something that’s caused me to feel tired, and feeling like I could take a nap. That makes it a bit difficult since I work about two-hours after I do my workout. The good side is that it helps me rest at night. I’m excited for this step in my journey, it’s going to put me into another level all together. I think this will help with my confidence, and give me something more in discipline.

The metamorphosis of my changes have effected me in several ways. One way is the way I’ve been feeling about the social environmental around me. I find that I don’t appreciate the negative ways that some people have treated me in the past. I think it’s also has made me realize how I’ve treated people in the past. I’ll be the first to admit that my sense of humor can come off like an asshole.

I know that I’m not perfect, but I have come a long ways from where I started. I had an ego that drove forward all my decisions and for that I am trying to improve. I look forward to this new training regiment to help focus me and help me grow more spiritually as well. I’ve been made aware of the energy that connects us, while part of me wanted to think that it might be silly. I’ve been seeing it work through my workouts with Sam.

I’m looking forward to the changes that will be coming my way in the near future as I want to see where it takes me. I want to feel even stronger and better than I am now. It makes me hungry to be better than I am, which is something that I seem to continue to do as it is. As I get the past memories from Facebook, I realize that I have these changes already in progress, and that I’ve come a long ways.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Two Year Check-Up

So, I’m a little late to the party with my two-year check up. I weighed in at 262.8 lbs. It was a two-point-two pound loss from the last time I weighed in at the doctor. So, how do I get past this plateau? Well the doctor and my personal trainer say the same thing, I need to shock my system. So, how do we do this? Well, one of the ways I can do it, is to change my eating habits up. Maybe go no-carb for a while, maybe do a complete calorie reduction for a bit. Something that I know people do is intermittent fasting.

Another way I can shock my body, which I’ve started doing this week is that I am now trying to get my walks in to where I burn off about 700 calories during the day, just from my walking around. So far I’ve been pretty successful with it. I think the lowest I got was about 600, but I’m not hating on that because in the eight days that I’ve been going for this month, I’ve reached about the 600-700 range. I’m also going to refocus working out more times a week.

If this is successful, I should be able to get past the 260 mark, which is something that I would love to do, and hopefully before the end of the year. I’ve had a decent run this year, just had a few bumps in the road, at least I’m not giving up. Yet, I’ll admit that with circumstances going on in my life, things have had a bit of an over whelming effect on me.

Now, I’m getting ready to hit the next step in this whole weight loss journey that I’ve been on since March of 2017. I’m getting ready to prep for skin removal surgery. I’ve been talking to a friend about it, since she had it done, and I’ve also read about it from the support groups that I’m a part of. It is painful, and that’s kind of what scares me. I’ve heard that it’s some of the most painful recovery time ever. I guess it leave you bloated and uncomfortable for a while. It’s not something to take lightly. While I’m nervous, I’m going to see if I can donate my access skin to burn victims, because then my addiction would have been worth something more than a constant reminder that I hated myself.

So, I know that I’m going to be in a situation where I’m going to need at least six weeks to recover, and my friend Jo, said that she was pretty miserable while recovering. If I remember right, she said the swelling didn’t go down until about four months out. Yay me! I need this because my saggy skin has been bothering me for awhile. Taking this step is pretty big, and while I’ve been nervous, I look forward to fitting in my clothes much better.

I’m also getting ready to embark on another journey of getting my own personal training certification at some point. I think it will just add on to the million things that I already got going on in my life. Busy is good though. I feel that it keeps me feeling like I’m growing on a personal level and it doesn’t give me a whole lot of time to get into the negative mind set. After all, mind, body, and soul are very connected. They’re connected in ways that I’m still coming to the realization.

Do you know what attributes to my success? Do you know where I get my advice and learned counseling? Well, I will tell you that I have people in my life who help water and nurture my growth. I’m going to take this time to recognize some of these people as they don’t always get the recognization that they probably, and do deserve.

First, I want to thank my wife, as I have in several posts previously, I know that her life’s journey has taken some unexpected turns, and it’s not been easy on our relationship, but she continues to support everything I do. As I in turn try my best to support her. I want to thank my friend and personal trainer Sam Basco. He’s not only provided me with the motivation and knowledge of getting in shape, but as a philosopher, and spiritual person, he provides me with an understanding of the world, and things that I’m not always able to recognize in myself.

I also want to thank my children, for they are my world, even if I want to “yeet” them outside sometimes because of puberty and hormones. I love them and they are always my biggest cheerleaders too. I have many friend with whom I confide in, and while I’m not going to give out those secrets on here, if they’re reading and I want them to know that I appreciate that they are the sound boards to my own personal drama.

Everybody who does read this, thank you. It makes me feel that I’m not doing this in vain, and I appreciate that people like to participate in what I’m doing. With that, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

The Hardest Pill To Swallow

Sometimes I think about the things going on in my life, and I try to think about some of the more difficult situations that I’ve experienced myself. I’m gonna be honest, it’s not the easiest thing to do either. Being honest with yourself, and others isn’t always the simplest or easy choice to make.

Someone who comes out as homosexual or trans is considered brave. I’ve heard people make jokes about coming out as silly and shouldn’t be considered brave, but I’ll argue that with them any day, as it opens people up to being “targeted” for hate crimes. In a world like this, I’m surprised that we haven’t evolved enough to be respectful of everyone’s right to be who they are. It’s opening up and saying that I’m different from society’s norms that causes people to be brave. With the fear of being rejected by those who are supposed to love you thorough whatever decisions are made. I’ve had friends who’s relationships with their parents, who are supposed to support you through everything, lose their families.

Let’s take it one step further, being honest with others isn’t always easy because people tend not to like to hear about their own flaws. I would gather that it might have something to do with ego. Also, it’s hard to see our own faults as they are part of who we are on a daily basis. I know that it took me a long time to finally realize some of my own faults. I’m a fidgety nail biter for one. I can’t seem to stay still for long periods of time, but those are small and petty compared to some of my other flaws.

I used to think that I didn’t have an ego, but the truth is I was narcissistic at times, and I didn’t think anybody’s opinion mattered but my own. I had the “it’s my way or the highway” mentality. When I look at who I was, I ended up being full of toxic masculinity. Talk about the hardest look at my life. I had to break this down so that I could grow, as a person. The sad part is, most people can’t or won’t ever be in that position to look at themselves. It usually takes an eye opening experience to get to that point and find themselves in a time of rebuilding.

Another time honesty is a hard pill to swallow is when it comes to relationships. Honesty is always the best policy in a relationship, but it’s not always the easiest to do. Sometimes, we choose not to say something, because we know that the effect of honesty can hurt the person we love. The cliché, “does this make me look fat?” is the perfect example of this. While we would love to tell our significant other that they look great in whatever they’re wearing, it’s not always the case. If you say, “babe, it doesn’t look good on you,” then a fight can proceed the comment that you made. Yes, this is kind of a light example of honesty in relationships, but there are far more deeper examples that play into relationships.

Feelings can change in a relationship. Sometimes, the bond between a couple isn’t always strong. Sometimes, people aren’t in love like they were. That’s part of the rollercoaster of relationships. You have your ups and downs, good times, bad times. Some days you look at that person you chose to stay with “until death do us part”, and you realize that the fire isn’t there. It’s not always the case, because there are days that you look, and are amazed that the person laying next to you is the most precious thing you’ve ever seen, and you can’t believe that they want to be with you. How do we handle these complex feelings? How do we get through the low points?

This is something that goes through every couples mind at some point. Do we stick it out, and hope it gets better? Do we live pretending everything is okay, while deep down we’re miserable? I’ve seen it with friends who stuck together for the children’s sake, and seen them observe the destruction of the parent’s relationship play out in front of those young eyes.

Sometimes, people just grow apart. It’s not like it was ever planned on, it’s not like one party was hoping for that day to come, but it happens. Sometimes circumstances mold people into unexpected versions of themselves. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care anymore. It doesn’t mean that the love isn’t there. Just sometimes, paths start to take unexpected turns. How does that get handled? Does the couple stay together and pray that their paths will cross again? Does this make either party the “bad guy”?

For those questions, I honestly don’t have a proper answer. I think if anybody encounters this situation, the best thing to do is talk to your partner. There’s going to be tears. There’s going to be intense emotions, and I’m sure words will follow.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Twelve Days of Silence

So, it’s been about twelve days since I wrote a blog. Twelve days since I let my thoughts and feelings give voice unto what life has been like. I’ll be the first to admit that things haven’t been too out of the norm for me, but I should never let that length of time go without giving something to help guide people unto clarity.

That’s not to say that I haven’t bee writing. After all, I did finish the second draft of the project after I Unexpected Side Trip. I have page ten typed up of fifty-nine hand written pages done. Plus I also got into re-writing Appreciate What You Got, which was the first sort I ever filmed. I’m also re-editing that film because I botched up the editing job when it came out. I figured that I could get it a bit better editing, and add a bit for something to present, while I’m working on the other projects.

Outside of that, I’ve gotten sick with a bug a few times in the last couple of weeks, and it kind of has me feeling bummed out by it. This killed my workout, and my ten-thousand steps a day. It’s crazy that I start feeling guilty about getting sick.

I hope things go well because I have my twenty-three month check-up coming up on Saturday. It’s time to get the discussion of skin removal, and I feel that it’s seriously something I want to do. I’ve been feeling itchy around my belly button for the last several weeks, and I’m not sure why.

I feel that I need to work harder to get past this plateau, it seems that my habits are coming back and I still need to become more mindful and nip them in the bud. I know that this is something I’ve mentioned before and I still continue to struggle with, however on the plus side, it’s something that I’m aware of. So, it is something that I will get through.

In my training sessions, I’ve increased the weight in which I lift, and it’s giving me the workout that I need, and taking me to another level. Part of me feels like I’m dying, while the other part is glad that I made it through without dying. I know that going with heavier weights, I have to be more mindful of my form because any slight misstep and I can hurt myself. Sam, is always telling me to unlock that inner rage to push heavier, and I’m slowly getting there, it’s just been hard to do. After all, I used to be angry all the time.

As I watch videos of myself lifting, I was told that it’s good to let out grunts, but honestly I find myself a bit on the obnoxious side when hearing the nosies that come out of my mouth. That was always something that bothered me about gyms. Now, I get why it’s done, but like I said, it’s a bit obnoxious.

I’ve been trying to be more conscious about my carb intake, and fast food, really is bad for you. I never really thought about the calorie and carb intake of a breakfast burrito, but seeing that the combo can run up to over 1,000 calories is depressing. That’s even more true for those who are on a 2,000 calorie-a-day diet. That’s like half of the amount you can have in one day. One freaking meal, that just blows my mind.

So, I’ve been on this journey for almost two-years and I can’t believe that it’s been that amount of time. It gets easier as you go, that’s the plus side of things, but at the same time, it’s not hard into falling into bad habits. Like I said, I see where some of mine have come back and I’m learning to deal with them accordingly. Doesn’t it suck when you feel the doubt, and feel that failure is at hand? I have my bad days, but I try and keep going. Maybe that’s the reason that I’ve been going between those five-pounds?

The secret to success is to keep going. Yes, you’re gonna have good days, and you’re gonna have bad days, but don’t let the bad days define your efforts. As long as you realize that you can keep on the right path the next day, there’s always hope for success. Failure is inevitable, but the only true sense of failure is when you decide to quit. Otherwise, it’s a teacher to help get you to the point of success. I find this encouraging, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

If I’ve benefited from anything during my weight loss journey, besides the weight loss, it’s that I’m in better touch with my fellow humans. I’ve always been personable and friendly, but I kept so much to myself and never really connected with too many people. Now days, I’m more receptive of reaching out and touching other people’s souls. It’s beautiful on how much more I care for my fellow traveler.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

Improving The Skill Set

As with anything else in life, I’m finding ways to improve my skill set. In particular, in the graphic design/editing side of the business of content creation. Yes, I know that I usually talk about the weight loss journey or mental health, but sometimes it feels good to talk about those other highlights in life.

Learning skills is a great way for personal growth. If you learn a new language, it just adds on to a skill set that employers find appealing. You never stop learning and that’s the important part. I think that once you feel like you have nothing left to learn, then you’re not looking hard enough to discover that you are, or that you can. It took a hard lesson for me to learn during the dark period in my life.

I felt stagnant, and trapped by the way things were going. I felt that life wasn’t going anywhere, and I needed to find a way out. It took that really hard push to realize that, but I’m grateful for the experience that got me there.

Now, I love learning, and I find that even reviewing things that I had already learned brings something new. I was going over a video on how to write a screen play for beginners, and I found things that I hadn’t thought about before, so I went right into working on Life Happens and I applied the newly discovered things that I either didn’t know or had forgotten about.

I can spend hours on Youtube watching videos on the various parts of film production, or how to use the different programs in the Adobe Creative Cloud. I also find myself watching videos on how to have success with my brand. It’s really helped me to be better at what I’m trying to accomplish.

I also follow several health and wellness people and companies on Twitter. This is interesting because I tend to see video’s of how people do their exercises, and it helps me to improve my form on things that I’ve already been doing, and teaches me new movements that I’ve not learned. This in turn, tends to help me better myself when doing a personal training session. I’ve also friended several professional trainers on Twitter and Facebook. They’ve been encouraging and helpful when it comes to my weight loss journey.

A funny thing about learning these new skills, is that like my weight loss journey, I’ve met some people that I would never dream of meeting. They are fascinating and insightful, and I feel that my life is better from that experience that I gained from the conversation, or lesson that I learned. This has also lead to the observation that people are fascinating by the multi-dimensional interests that they have.

My personal trainer Sam for example, has been training people for over twenty-years. He’s into the various aspects of health and nutrition. He trains in various forms of grappling, and is an avid player of Dungeons and Dragons. He teaches me philosophy as well, and I feel that our time together ends up making me a more rounded person.

I like that about people, if you find the right one’s they’ll be willing to help teach you new skills. Yes, they can cost something, but it’s worth it in the end. The cost though can be any number of things like, money, or sometimes friendship. So the value is up to the individual that someone is willing to pay for.

I just wanted to give a little update that is not part of the regular norm. What do have you learned by reading my blogs? Does it give you value? Does it motivate you to try and be a better version of yourself? Hell, do I entertain you with my experiences, and occasional quips? Let me know, reach out, I’m here for you.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap, but before I go, I want to present you with what I worked on. I hope you enjoy the six seconds, and sound really does bring things to life.

Two-Days, Down With the Sickness

I had a horrible pain on Wednesday, and I had to come home. I left work, right as it was starting. It started out as what felt like a gas pain, but I hadn’t had a gas pain like that since my surgery. So I came home and rested. I even went so far as to actually take a nap, which is a rarity. The funny part of it is, I don’t remember the last time I actually called off of work for myself.

It seems like I’m calling off because of a sick family member or some emergency pops up that needs to be taken care of. I don’t really get sick like I used too because I’ve lost so much weight, and I exercise regularly. I guess that is one of the many benefits I got from the gastric sleeve.

I started to feel better, later that night, but because of a rough night’s sleep, I woke up feeling much worse. I do feel grateful that I was able to rest up yesterday though. I’ve been around sick people everywhere, family, friends, co-workers. It’s been crazy that it took me so long to actually feel something. I think it was a bit more than gas, and the two-days off gave me some much needed time to recharge my battery.

I spent yesterday watching video’s on Youtube learning about script writing, and Adobe After Effects, because that’s part of what I want to do in life. That and it gave me sometime to start typing up my next draft of Life Happens. It was nice to apply what I was learning in the video and using it on my own projects.

I was trying to use my down time wisely, and I think I did okay for it. I hate being sick because it throws everything else off into a wild abandon, and seeing how many steps I lacked, caused me to be bummed out. It seems that I hate lazy days, I feel like I need to do something at least a little bit.

I did decide to do my workout session today with Sam. While doing my circuit training, we’ve been pushing me to go four rounds without a break in-between, however, I had to take a break today before my fourth round because I was feeling a bit on the weak side. I’m feeling it today. My shoulder is a bit sore, and my hip was hurting as I was doing my last set of V-ups. It felt like it needed to pop, and it hurt bad. I’m sure if I would have popped it, that it would have hurt like a bitch.

I actually had to take a few moments after my workout today to actually rest. I felt like I hadn’t worked out in some time. It’s weird how your body tells you that you haven’t been feeling in pique condition like that. It’s those times that make us feel old, at least I did.

I’m trying to be more mindful about engaging my different muscle groups when working out. I know that the core muscles are always supposed to be used to during most exercises. I even squeezed my gluts during my squat session. I wasn’t feeling that today though. My deadlifts was a bit off as well. The soreness is what surprises me, because it doesn’t happen too often.

The more you workout, the better you feel. Not only that, but your body tolerates and heals at a better speed. These are things that I’ve noticed since I have been working out. I’ve also noticed that when working out, I can feel the blood pumping in my muscles.

A couple of things that I need to do to improve even more is watching my carbs. I’ve been good at being a bit more mindful of them. The other part is that I have to get out of my mind about food, and pay attention to my body. I find that I snack when we’re watching a movie, or I get a bit bored. I keep telling myself that, I’m better than that, but it’s a habit that I’ve slid back into.

How many bad habits do you have that you’re aware of? Have you taken steps to improve upon them? Value experience in life, it’s a great teacher, and if you get into some shit, that’s what show’s what you’re made of, or what you need to do to be made of. These are interesting times my friends, and all we can do is embrace life, and take it by the reins.

Feeling better is going to put me back on the right track to getting getting past the plateau. I’ve been stuck between 260 and 265 for several months, and it’s frustrating, but at the sometime, I’m thankful that whatever bad habits I’ve found hasn’t put me into the ten-twenty pound plus. I’ll take that as a win.

Anyway, that’s a wrap from the Director. Have a good night, and take care of yourselves.

The Words That Never Got Left Behind

In observation of Bully Prevention Month, I’d like to address the elephant in the room; you’re not aloud to continue to live in my head rent free. As a kid, hearing “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” was supposed to be a way of making ourselves feel better about the cruel words that get thrown our way. It’s supposed to show that we won’t be hurt unless it’s by some thing physical.

The sad reality is, that’s the farthest from the truth. While I would like to admit that physical pain is worse, the verbal bullying is the thing that continued to haunt me for so many years. I find that it had become more of a motivator to do better, but is that really the best thing for motivation? Shouldn’t we be motivated more by the positive things than, the things that bring us down? This is why we have so many broken people in the various sectors of society.

Body dysmorphia is something that I’ve seen to run rampant among young ladies especially. The society standards for what is the perfect look for a woman has been plastered across all forms of advertisement. It’s in your face that unhealthy skinny is the standard for women and anorexia is a problem that isn’t talked about enough.

Men aren’t any less targeted either. The underwear models with the chiseled physics and washboard abs are also shown in many places. The one difference is that men with dad bods, are more socially accepted, but are no less pressured to be perfect. Men talking about having self-image issues is considered a bit more taboo. Men are supposed to be viewed as strong both physically and mentally.

The thing that I will personally say about this is that dealing with being obese most of my life, I’ve dealt with the pressures and comments to look more appealing. I joke with my wife that if it wasn’t for chubby chasers, I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere with the ladies, her especially. Though, I do wish that I could have, the muscles and strong looking body, it’s taking work to get there. This is something that I personally want, but I’m not killing myself to get there.

Key reasons, while I workout and try to keep eating well, I still indulge, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not going to hate myself for slipping a bit here and there. I know once I have the talk about skin removal surgery, that it’s going to take a bit of time to process. I found myself in that similar situation when I decided to get the gastric sleeve almost two-years ago.

Acceptance has been something that I’ve had to battle to come to terms with. I had those bullies running through my head with the words of how ugly, and fat I was. I hated myself because people had put those words into my head. I wasn’t good enough, and yet there was something that I did alright growing up. I did have friends and lovers. I was liked, but even with those realizations, I still had the negative words sticking in my head. I’ve had to learn to over come that.

I’ve embraced positivity, despite the way I’ve been treated during my life. I find that it helps me, because it puts something in the world that not everyone seems to be able to produce themselves. With that I’ve made many connections with some great people. I get more out of being positive, then having that negative mindset.

Unfortunately, not everyone is that way. Some people who get bullied, carry that chip on their shoulders for the rest of their lives. Hell, at one time, I did as well. I hurt some very good people and I’ve regretted it ever since. Those who carry that chip, bring the misery with them in most aspects of life. This isn’t something that’s uncommon in my professional life. I see it everyday, and the effects that it causes. I see it in some friends as they deal with people who bully them.

Now, I’m going to change this up a little, because I know a few of my followers are going to be reading this. I know that things don’t look very good for your current circumstances right now. You’re afraid to lose that, which is valuable to you. Keeping a focused mind is the only way that you will have to succeed. I get that the parties that are bullying you shouldn’t be that way, they are your family after all. Just remember to do your best, and that’s all anybody can ask of you. I’m a text, or a phone call away, and you have shown me the appreciation through our many conversations. You got this, and however things fall, you will grow as a person, and should be able to be better for all of it.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Smaller at the Same Weight

It’s no secret that I’ve been stuck in about the same five pounds for the last few months. It actually feels like an eternity now, but I know that’s not the case. Being stuck between 260-265 isn’t the worst thing that could happen. Yet, it’s a little discouraging at the same time. Now, when I first hit 265 I wasn’t fitting into some of the clothes I wear as good as I do now. What does this mean?

It feels that I’ve been dropping the fat still, but the balance between muscle and fat is going through a different ratio. Is there such a thing as a fat 265, compared to a thin 265? I guess this is where the next part of my weight loss journey is going to take me.  Again, everything is a learning experience, and I’m still learning to be a bit more mindful of my carb intake.

I find it surprising in what some of those things that are high in carbs are. I was looking at a Sobe Green Tea yesterday, and noticed that it had like forty-four grams of carbs. In a green tea, are you kidding me? Or if I’m looking at a low carb meal, the sodium is way up there. I’m like come on for fucks sakes. At least the Tuna I eat is low in carbs, and the sodium doesn’t seem so bad.

Again with life’s lessons: take the good with the bad. You can’t have the perfect anything. It goes to show that picking your poison isn’t so far off from just being cliche.

I think the next step in all this is too actually learn how to keep track of my macros. Keep a calorie/protein/carb count. A food journal would probably be best, yet I hate the idea of having to keep myself accountable for everything I eat. I hated it when it came to Weight Watchers. Shit! I think I just talked myself into it. It would be another way to hold myself accountable, and it might make me a bit more honest about what I actually do eat.

It’s strange to feel that I’ve come to a point that I have to change things up a bit to find a better way to get results. I’ve started to lift heavier, which will help burn the fat, and I’m trying to add the intensity to my workouts. It was getting to a point where I was getting it in, but the weights were becoming a bit too easy to do. One the plus side, lighter weights do tend to help with form. I’m learning that you can always improve on that though.

I need to still set up an appointment with my doctor for my next check up and start talking about the skin removal surgery. I think part of me is hesitating because of the fact that I want to be under 260 before I go, and another part of me isn’t looking forward to the recovery time. With that, I think there’s a bit of vanity that doesn’t look forward to the scaring from the removal. I have enough scars on my body as it is, but I’m being silly.

I continue to keep the course of getting everything done. I’ve put more commitment into this journey than any previous attempts, and I’m not looking back. I do falter at times, but I’ve come to the point that I just pick it up again the next day. Something I would sabotage myself in the past.

Something else that used to keep me down was the lack of will power, while I saw food, I would eat food. Now isn’t something that I have too many problems with these days. I can say no to cakes and sweets. Something that I wouldn’t turn down in the past. As I reflect, my journey has come a long ways, and I continue to grow on a personal level.

I’ve been happy to see that my friends have been inspired by what I’ve been doing and in turn taking their lives back and improving themselves. It’s not all about just having the weight loss journey for their stories, by over coming anxiety, pushing themselves out of the comfort zone to try something new, and to expand their horizons.

I know that in the end, this is all just another mental game that I need to overcome. Part of my problem is my brain still tells me when “I’m hungry” and that isn’t always the truth. Boredom still seems to dictate me eating at times. While it isn’t always there, it does creep in there from time to time. Again, mental game, and I need to keep the focus.

As I slip, I’m not always upset because I know that there is always the next time for me to continue to complete my goals, that a slip up isn’t the end of the road like so many people would think it to be. I know that there are so many who would feel like giving up with the stalls that I’ve seen. I’m fortunate enough to know that I will continue to improve myself and that the path isn’t always a downward slope.

Following the boards that I do on Facebook, and Twitter, I read how people will stall after several months and just want to give up. I know how frustrating it is, and the stalls that I have gotten into seem to last forever, but in reality are just for such a short time. I just have to keep telling myself that I’ve got this.

If you like my stuff, please leave a like and a follow, it helps to know that people do appreciate what I’ve got to say. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Nineteen-Years of Love

Today, September twenty-ninth, 2019 is the nineteenth anniversary of mine and Sarah’s first date. That day we got together and haven’t been apart since then. Usually I would talk about how good it’s been, and how I wouldn’t ever see my life without her. Yet, I think that this should be more about the acceptance that’s had to come over the relationship.

While I do love my wife, there are things that we’ve both had to come to accept about each other, for her it’s about how unorganized I am. For me, it’s how stubborn she can be about doing everything. She’s very OCD’d with house work, and it has to be her way. As these were our problems in the beginning of our relationship, we took several years to figure out that we both sucked at communications. Now, it’s not as bad.

So, we’ve grown as people and as a couple, and I think the biggest challenges have been met head first on many occasions, but the last few years have taken us in a different direction. One was the fact that she had to handle me going through the weight loss surgery and adjusting accordingly with the dietary requirements. It’s always been nice when we could do things as a couple because that’s been something that’s kept us as close as we have been.

Yet, with all these changes and personal growths, this last year has probably been the most challenging. Sarah was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. While the news hit us almost a year ago, it’s taken time to get things figured out. Things that we are still in the process of figuring out and manage. Now we’re waiting for another appointment to happen in November so that we can figure out how to proceed to a specialist for her joints.

That’s one of the bad things about Crohn’s Disease: the fact that it attacks the joints and I have to see her suffer from that. I watch her get frustrated at the fact that her hands don’t always work the way they used to. Then there’s the fact that she’s sits a certain way for the whole time I’ve known her, and I see that it brings on a pain that makes it difficult to move. I hate the fact that I can’t really do much to help her through these times.

This is were I find myself dealing with the fact that I have to be the strong one in the relationship. That I have to be the one that steps up and be the strong one. I know she hates it, but it’s just a fact in life. I don’t always feel that I can be as strong for her as she has been for me, but I do try my best. I guess that self-doubt is the enemy in this situation, as I feel helpless watching her cry and suffer from her Crohn’s.

It’s been a common feeling as I’m not able to make the situation any better, and the side-effects from her medicine isn’t the most pleasant experience for her. I have felt this way with watching my children suffer from depression. I try to reach out, but find that words can’t be said, more than an  I know how you feel, or an it will get better. This is where I feel that I fail as a father, and as a husband. Now I also watch Sarah deal with depression, and until we know how to manage her pain, I’m not sure it ever will get better, and I don’t know how she’s going to deal with it. Hell, I don’t know how I’m going to respond to the way she ends up dealing with it.

I know that this is piled on top of other things like her wanting to grow professionally. Since she doesn’t have a degree, and that my schooling is costing us a bit of money per month, she’s scared to take that leap, and she wants to find something that would be easier for her to do that will help elevate the pain she gets when doing her current job.

In the end, I know that we’ll find a way to manage. I know that we’ll find a way to over come what has been thrown in front of us. It’s just without all the answers, it’s a scary time. Fear of the unknown is rampant in my head right now. I can say that she feels the same way about her situation. Has Crohn’s put a limit on the time table on her life? Will I be a widower before my time? These are things I constantly think about, and I wish I had some sort of solid answer so the I could prepare myself, and the family in what’s to come.

I love my wife, I always have, even when I wasn’t the best person at loving her. I will love her for the rest of my life. With that being said, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Brain Matter on my Mind

Whether it’s the weight loss journey or mental health awareness, I find that the brain can trick the body into feeling something that’s not always there. I find that my brain wants to tell me that it’s time to eat, and that if I don’t actually take a moment to really analyze the situation, I might not really be hungry.

I find that if I get left alone in my thoughts for too long, I can start to over think, and self-doubt comes into play. This is one of my bigger weaknesses, as depression has always been there. It’s not nearly as bad as it used to be, however, I can still sense it at the outer edges lingering and giving me a moment to pause.

I suppose that’s why I try to stay constantly busy. This way I don’t have to give my mind to start lingering on stupid insecurities, and anxiety. I find that multi-tasking comes easy when I can listen to a conversation, and still type. This actually drives my family crazy as I can look at them and work on a blog at the same time.

The endorphins from exercising is an anti-depressant, and I know that if I take too long between my workouts, that I start getting depressed too. If more people knew, and I mean really knew about this little life hack, I’m sure everyone who suffers from depression would be in shape(joking).

It’s strange to realize how much the body and mind end up reflecting each other. I know at my biggest, my mind was in a terrible state, and I hated myself. Having the Gastric Sleeve sent me down a path that I never expected. I connect with people better, and it wasn’t like I was ever someone who would treat people negatively in the first place, but I seem to relate better to others, and myself.

It’s also helped me to realize my ambition, while most people spend their lives developing a brand that represents them, I’ve gone so far as working on three. The CK Project is probably where my legacy will be. As I’ve been making some great progress with it over the last year or so. It’s not surprising as this is my oldest and longest running of the brands. It all started as a way to hold myself accountable to others when I originally started my weight loss journey with Weight Watchers, eight-years ago.

It’s amazing that The CK Project went from weight loss, to mental health, and back to being both. It’s come full circle and I love it. We’re making plans on turning it into something bigger and better. Hell, we’re looking to make this go more professional, and can’t wait to let out the details. Speaking of growth, the experiences that I’ve had in the name of the project, has given me growth both personally and professionally. Things that I can carry unto other jobs that I may take in the future.

Another mind opening realization is that experience is the best teacher. I find that talking about my issues, has allowed me to regain control of my life. The more I talk about struggling with my mental health, the less power it has over my decisions in life. I find that I need to do better about pushing myself  when exercising. My mind still wants to tell me that I’m 430 pounds. I know I have issues with lunges and falling backwards.

I’m finding that inner strength that I have. I kept things quiet for so long, and it’s like I’m finally finding that voice to start the process to going Super Sayian. I have a ways to go, but it does help me push for those extra reps. Also, I’m afraid to push myself so hard that I want to puke when I work out. So, does that mean I’m not pushing myself hard enough?

I guess having a negative mindset for so long, really has done me some harm, and I hope that it’s not irreparable. The mind is fascinating, and is the most powerful tool in any person’s tool belt for improvement. At the sometime, if you don’t treat it well, or if you don’t get help to tune it up, it can do damage that might never be repairable. Keep that in mind when venturing on this journey of life.

Self-care is more important than most people want give the focus too. This is coming from my professional view point. Often time, mental health is considered taboo, and no-one is comfortable about sharing their feelings. Toxic masculinity has kept the man’s man, cold and hard of feelings. Yet, things are improving, people are becoming more woke to the issues at hand. I believe that it’s over all for the better, yet I think we’ve lost some things in a world of political correctness.

With political correctness, I feel that people have forgotten how to laugh. We’re no longer given the permission to laugh because of a joke, and people seem to get more offended now than ever. Maybe, it’s more that it’s not as easy to keep quiet these days? Where is the proper balance in-between the truth and satire? Can we laugh at the wrong things, and not be judged. Maybe that’s why Cards Against Humanity is such a popular game? I know where my humor is, and it’s got some dark places at times.

Anyway, keep a clear, focused mind, because it’s the one asset we have to help us get through life. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.