Quarantined And Staying Healthy

There’s a feeling of rebellion when we are told that we should not do something that we take for granted. In the case of this Coronavirus we are told to stay inside and practice social distancing. Some people think that this pandemic is a hoax, that it’s just made up to instill fear. Some brush it off as just another flu strain that’s going around, and that it won’t be as bad as the media is making it out to be.

My daughter has two friend’s both online and out of state, and they have contracted this said virus. Sarah and I have met both in person, and we’ve never gotten the impression that they would do anything to be anything than dishonest. One of these people we’ve known personally for a few years, and has gained our trust.

The truth is, we’re living in some strange times. We’ve survived the biggest earthquake seen in over twenty years. We’ve seen a country become divided with politics. Now, we’re in a pandemic like something the world hasn’t seen, at least in a long time. It doesn’t look to be finishing anytime soon.

I know that people where hoping that we’d be done and over this by the middle of April. As I said before, not everyone is taking this virus serious. Now, our president has pushed the “suggestion” back towards the end of April, of being quarantined. This is something that has put people into a deeper “funk”.

In my opinion, I feel that this isn’t going to turn better until around June or July. Why, you ask? Because people still aren’t taking it serious. I hear businesses aren’t pushing for the safest work conditions, I’m calling you out on that Hobby Lobby.  People thinking that it won’t be that “bad”, walking around acting like it isn’t a big deal. Look, at the suggestion of professionals, that are asking to stay indoors and social distancing, it’s not really about those individuals, but about the one’s who could die.

This is a virus that seems to spread quickly, while it’s easy to manage, not everyone is taking the precautions that need to be taken to decontaminate themselves. I don’t want to bring it into the house where it could potentially get my wife and kid sick, or worse. It’s called responsibility, and I know people who’ve been actually dealing with this in metropolitan areas, and have heard about the precautions that they’re having to take to protect their own families.

Having three cases pop up in our little town has added a bit of harsh reality for some people, myself included. I hoped that it wouldn’t come here and that we were just being cautious for everyone’s safety. Then I heard that someone came up positive at the facilities that I work around. This scares me, and I worry everyday that I’m there about catching it myself, and passing it on.

This is a tough time, both physically and mentally. It’s just as tough, hell even tougher for those who have to make the harsh decisions about what’s going on. The global economy is going down, and America is feeling this hurt. So, if avoidance is the only way to contain the infection rate, is it worth the economical impact that we’re about to see? People are already starting to feel it in their pocket books. The lower and middle class can’t afford to take the time off, because they struggle to get by as it is. Small business owners are facing the uncertainty of if and when their businesses will be back in running. Businesses that have a lifetime of investment for some people. Big corporations will survive, that’s what they do. It’s the smaller shops that worry me.

The reality of death is something most people don’t like to talk about, and this virus has taken about 700,000 as of March 29th, 2020, that is if you are to believe the media. Yet, I feel that there’s going to be more caused by this virus, and it won’t be the virus itself. The truth is, people getting stuck at home are going to get depressed. Some look at work as an escape from the realities of their home lives. Jokes of needing a break from the kids, or from the spouse have been running rampant on social media. Hell, it’s been a cliche for just for such a long-time as it is.

As we lose money from not working, or as the economy crashes down, we’re going to find the suicide rate going up. I hate the thought of it, but money is something that people stress over. It’s part of the reason we have such a high divorce rate in this country. Depression, loneliness, are very real, and I’ve struggled with them my whole life. So, I can only imagine how other’s will struggle with this situation.

Keep busy, that’s probably my best advice for this pandemic. Play games, connect with family. These are just a couple of ways to keep your mind busy, and that’s the trick here. Stay busy. This is a good time to get those “honey do lists” done. Maybe learn a new skill, or catch up on reading that book you’ve been meaning too. There isn’t an excuse to focus on you and relaxing for a bit. Don’t fall back on the old vices that might not have a positive affect on you as a person. Keep your mind strong, as well as your body, because we will get through this.

It’s often said that it’s easier to give advice, then to take it. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s true. I’m pigheaded and often don’t want to listen to my own sound logic, however, if I do end up staying home(and even if I don’t) I’m going to take this time to work on content. I’ve got scripts that I’m writing, I’ve got blogs that need blogging. Plus, working on podcasts is nice as well. So, as a content creator, I think I’ll be fine. The reality at this time is that I’ve pilfered my son’s Nintendo Switch and have been playing Animal Crossings: New Horizons for the last week. Something wholesome and pure, plus really easy to play.

The one plus is that while it’s put a damper on getting Unexpected Side Trip funded, it has also allowed me to play with other stories, and it also gives me the time to actually review the script and maybe give it another go, since I’ve not touched it for several months. Being versatile has advantages in that way, but if it was a big budget Hollywood movie, I think we’d be in trouble.

On a last note about the global impact the Coronavirus is having: We’re becoming a new world, something about the way things are done is going to change. Do we continue on the path we’ve been on for so long? Or do we learn to do things better, differently, maybe more efficiently? I can’t say how we will change as a people, but I hope that it shows that we have a better side than what has shown so far. Fear has brought out the hatred, the bigotry, and this is something that needs to not happen anymore.

Take care of yourselves, and your fellow person. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Rekindling That Fire

As I was sick last week, I ended up being motivated to do an off-shoot project. I decided that  I wanted to get some camera work going, and since Unexpected Side Trip hasn’t gotten everything ready to start funding, I decided to do something else. Ed, myself, and a few other creatives had meetings a couple years ago, and were thinking of doing shorts for our next thing, and we couldn’t completely agree with the way we were going to take it. In fact that’s how The Reunion(2019) ended up being that next project.

Since I wanted to start doing something, because filming and any aspect of being creative is something that I need in my life. I had been thinking about a full story, but had a character that I really wanted to start to develop.(I feel like I’m rambling a bit) So, this idea came into my head about just introducing a character in a very short, no budget video, just to work on something. Now with the Coronavirus out break, our poor little thriller is being halted until further notice. Unexpected Side Trip will still get made, just has to stop for the moment.

This is important because while I’ve been enjoying writing, I miss working with my crew. It gives me a high that keeps my spirits up. Being on the nightshift at work has had me in some weird places mentally. I’m not saying that it’s bad, just that I need to find something to give a bit more focus too. Now that I’m back at work, I’ve had to start dealing with what effects the Coronavirus is having on the general public. Again, my mental health needs that distraction.

I was just going to talk about getting the fire back, however I feel that the current event of the Coronavirus outbreak has a need to be discussed, and I will give my opinion about what’s going on. I work with the public so this is a particular hot subject for me right now.

I’m going to start out by saying “shame on you, media, for letting fear mongering get in the way of solid, state of the fact news. Yes, there is a reason to be concerned, but if the advice is followed, we should make it through just fine. For us who have healthy immune systems, this isn’t a concern that we won’t survive it, however our precaution is for the one’s we love: parent’s, spouses, children, friends.

I’ve read how rapid it can spread, and it’s much like any other virus, but again we should be vigilant. This is always, because who really likes to be sick. Sure a normal flu could kill us too. It just pays to be careful. I do it for the sake of my family, because that’s what’s important. As with every decision we make in life, we should remember what’s important to us in life.

The worse part of this epidemic, in my opinion, isn’t the actual virus, but it’s what’s showing how our society is acting towards it. The hoarding of toliet paper, the robbing people of groceries, and the biggest one of all, the blatant racism that has come out towards the people of Chinese decent.

I understand discrimination, being a person who was over weight for so long. Having friends of minority races, I’m baffled by the concept of disliking someone of a different color. Studying the Civil Rights Movement, and Slavery, again, the mindset boggles my mind. I can’t believe that we, as a society, still have this mindset. I figured that we would have been more conscious of the ugliness of our past. Let’s put out more positive, and love. The world can be capable of such wondrous things.

I’m done with my soapbox rant, and actually did start filming the short when I started this blog, so I’ll get back to that regular scheduled topic at hand.

It was exciting, the energy that comes out of filming is always great. The crew had fun all around, and it was exactly what was needed. It reminded me of why I love doing what I do. There was something different about this project though as I was actually in front of the camera, and not really worrying about the behind the camera work. Sarah was assistant director, as Little Chris was camera, and assisting with sound. Bringing in my sound guy Chris Matthews was great because he’s such an asset to the team. It’s good to build a good team, and there isn’t too many people better to have on my crew than Alisa Wiggin, because she’s been involved with everything since, my school projects. She’s proven that loyalty is an important quality

It was fun to take Sarah’s cousin and give him a role to act out. The character is a bit out of place for him, and this is his first time acting, but I’ve never shied away from actors with no experience. I’ve built my acting stable with a good variety of both, just the non-actors are the majority of who I’ve worked with. This was fun to take something and just turn around and do it without much time to prep. It was a way to challenge ourselves as a team, and it kept me on my toes with the variety of jobs we each do.

I find the challenge in coming out with some content, and keep it brief. This project was going well, but our batteries where failing us, and then the weather got crappy, so we decided to push the rest of filming until the next weekend. This does a few things for us. It gives me a bit more time to polish the script, some extra time to get it to flow better, and we should be more organized for the shoot, and get it done in a quicker amount of time, while also having a better weather.

So, I’m going to give you a preview of what The Driver is all about. Marcus Ballinger is a driver for a crime lord. He’s been working for the organization for fifteen years. One night things seems to go bad for a younger member of the group and Marcus is to meet with this kid and find out where things went wrong.

So, this character had been nagging at the back of my head, ever since my friends got their house, which seems like it could be a Columbian drug lords place. Plus, I’ve been wanting to get away from just tragic stories, because I’m growing as a storyteller and want to challenge myself.

With that being said, keep following the brands at: https://www.facebook.com/Luckeybomfilms/ https://www.facebook.com/ChrisKeelingProject/ https://www.facebook.com/groups/211929539208755/

During this quarantine we’re going to be adding content to all three. That’s between when I do have to work still. You can also find all three brands on: Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr. We also bring out podcasts frequently, so keep a look out for that. Remember when you see new content from us, give us a like and subscribe. It feels rewarding to know when people are paying attention to what we’re doing. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

A Scary Thing Happened Before Work

I had been sick for the last couple of days, but I felt well enough to go to work finally yesterday. I got ready, and then I worked on my time card, so I thought that I was going to have a good shift last night. Unfortunately, I found that the sides of my abdominals were starting to feel like they were squeezing me, as if I had been bounded in a girdle.

This started a chain reaction of me feeling hot, so I went outside a few times and when I came back in the final time, my sides were really squeezing me and then I started having trouble breathing. It was easier to take in air than to breathe out.

I needed up taking an ambulance to the emergency room. The struggle breathing had caused me to throw up. While it wasn’t pleasant, it did help me feel better. Partly because it seemed to take the squeezing on my torso. I also found that flexing them ended up helping to some extent. I was scared, especially since I couldn’t control it.

The fact is that I hate the hospital. I’ve spent too much time there throughout my life. I spent a couple of months when I was a young teen. I spent weeks in a coma, and then I spent three weeks in rehab. Plus, there are more times with my ex-wife that we’d spend time there as well.

Sarah and the kids have spent more time in those beds than I would care to have experienced there. It all started when Sarah was pregnant the first time. She has hyperemesis gravidarum, which is a rare ailment that causes pregnancy to be tough on the body. This wasn’t something we knew about at the time, but has come more too light since Kate Middleton had it when she was pregnant.

Back to the issue at hand, with me spending so much time in hospitals, it’s always weird when I’m the one that needs to be seen. I can’t seem to sit still as it is, as I’m fidgety as it is. I find that I hate sitting still at home as well. I constantly shuffle in my sit as it is when I’m at home. Being sick is something that makes it worse. Now that I’ve become more active, that makes things even worse.

Having the situation happen the other night,  was scary. I hate not having control over my own body. This is something that I think got worse as I got heavier, because I realized that I didn’t have control like I used too. I find when I can get picked up and thrown that it’s the same thing. I’m not used to moving for anything but the power of my own feet. This is something I have to over come, but when I couldn’t control my breathing that was the worst, and that’s why I hate getting sick. I lose control, which makes me uncomfortable.

It bring home how my wife feels about the way her body is going. I also understand why older people seem to get cranky with age. It takes away from something that they had been able to handle their whole lives. The phycological effects are something I can’t even begin to understand. How we deal with this type of situation is what shows the kind of people we are. This could be why some people decide to end their lives over something like this. I could understand that frustration and have that kind of thought pattern come to mind. I also can see how people would decide to be stronger and continue on despite the issues that might come on.

I’m glad Sarah has chosen to be the one to continue on, because she really is the captain of this ship. She keeps the household together in a way that I would really have to take the time and learn, or realize how to do things. I can take care of the kids just fine, but it’s not the same as having their mother take care of them. I’m often time the biggest kid in this house. However, I do have the realization that there is a time and place for that and responsibility. Maybe that’s another reason I hate being sick?

I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty when I’m home sick from work, but I realize that sometimes it becomes a struggle on my co-workers when I’m not there, or at least that’s how I feel. It’s something  that I’ve experienced at work being one to work without that extra help. However I also know what it’s like to have sick co-workers coming to work and spreading the sickness around. It’s funny how contradictory life gets like that, wanting the cake and eating it too.

That’s the frustrating part because we have that hypocrisy, yet sometimes I understand that. It’s like telling our children to do as we say and not as we do. Is that because we want our children to do better than we do? I can almost guarantee that any decent parent would say yes. I know that my goal in life as a parent is just that: I want my kids to do and be better than I am, or I ever was. That’s not to say that I’m horrible or a bad person, but I know that I also slacked off, and could have done better myself when I was younger.

Anyway, this Corona virus seems to be serious, and all I can say is that be careful while being out there. If you’re relatively healthy, then you have less to worry about than someone who  is elderly, or auto immune deficient.  That’s not to say not to take it serious, just be careful, and keep in mind those who struggle with low-income, and those who have small children. I think that the middle-class and the rich are going to be okay, but those of us who tend to struggle from paycheck to paycheck, have the real problems going on.

I have a friend who is fearful that the food in stores will be completely wiped out and she’s got small children that she needs to feed. I can hear the comments of, “well, they should have prepared for this already,” and while I can picture that being said, I also am mindful of what kind of situation she’s in. This is California after all, and minimum to just above minimum wage jobs aren’t enough to pay for everything and have a comfortable living. So that means it’s harder for people to take time off, or prepare efficiently for this “pandemic”.

Some of the uglier things that come out of this “emergency” is just how much upper and lower classes are different. The upper class can take a few days off and survive just fine. The lower class have to scrap and earn just to get by. That’s why it’s easier to say take a day off then the realities of actually taking the day off. Sometimes, that day off is the difference between paying a bill or having utilities being shut off.

So please, be kind to each other, this is just the start, and I feel that it’s more of a media induced panic than helped anybody get through this. If you need to talk about this, you should be able to reach me on here, Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ChrisKeelingProject/, Twitter: https://twitter.com/ckproject, or my e-mail at ckproject@zohomail.com. Remember to like and subscribe to my blog, and various social medias. The support is always appreciated. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

 

Let The Voice Be Heard

We podcasted last night about trauma and how do deal with it. My friend Alisa was coming off of a rough time since her place got caught up in a fire. She lost somethings, but at least her cat was saved. It was nice to see the people she knew and the community in our small town come in and help her out. She talked about how she felt fortunate that there were so many people out there to help her out, but it was Sarah’s turn that made the podcast the more interesting aspect of the night.

Sarah has always been the quiet one, and it hasn’t been until the last few years that she’s found her voice and wanted to be more then just the supportive person in the background. One of the things that seems to bother her is the fact that she doesn’t get recognized by other’s as a reason for my success. I know that I have stated it, and that I appreciate everything she’s done for me, but she wishes others would praise her for doing such a good job.

She’s been a caretaker ever since she was fourteen and had to help raise her siblings after her father died. She was never really thanked for it. The truth is, caretakers: mothers, fathers, nurses, Hospice, etc. are thankless jobs. Janitors, are also thankless jobs, but once one of them stops doing their job, it’s noticed. At that I want to be a person that thanks these people for the thankless, tireless, jobs that they do.

I know that I’ve done just about all that I can do to make her feel appreciated, but I also know that some of her anguish comes from the fact that she has Crohn’s Disease. It has been playing with her mind for sometime now, as she doesn’t feel attractive and she feels that she’s a burden when talking about her problems.

She’s tried to blog about her issues, much like I do, but seems to receive mostly negative comments, and that becomes frustrating for her. I get that it’s hard when family and friends are the harshest critics out there. She feels frustrated  that she doesn’t get the same response that I get when it comes to talking about the issues. I had to do a lot of thinking about why that is, and I could come up with a few that sounds similar to things that have happened in my own journey.

First, Crohn’s Disease is an invisible illness, and most people don’t seem to understand it. It’s not in your face like MS or Parkinson’s, however it’s a serious matter that robs people of productivity in their lives. Sarah just happens to be finally get the answers she’s been looking for with her new set of medication. It’s helped her manage her issues so much better.

Second, there’s a fine line that we balance when it comes to talking about our issues. I’ve been criticized for being too open and honest about what I go through, a “it’s better to deal with your issues in private” type situation. Being that it’s family that often comes at her makes it more difficult and frustrating to share. I believe that she can and should continue. While it isn’t an easy road, there have been people who have come out in support, at least in my instance. I wish that I could be more supportive and understanding on what she’s going through, but I know that we’re still discovering this together, and we’re trying to figure out the seriousness of the issues.

Third, while it’s hard, I think the point is to never stop giving a damn about what it is you’re trying to say. Not everyone is going to agree with your opinion, and you can’t just spend time trying to make everyone happy. That’s not how this life works, and it’s a shame that it’s the people you feel like you should be able to count on that seem to shit on your truth the most.

This has more to say about them than her. Some people associate honest truth as a way of showing weakness. If she decides to stop at talking about it, then they’ve won. Keep shining is what I have to say, it’s not for them to understand the journey that Sarah starting to take. The best way to have her voice heard is to stop giving a damn about what everyone else is going to say about it. Yes, people are going to say things, both positive and negative. The truth is some people can’t handle that much honesty because it makes them uncomfortable to know the truth.

Some of these people feel that battling illness should be done in private. I know that myself being open has been met with mix reactions, but mostly positive. I think that if she sticks it out and keeps pushing through, then Sarah will find that community of supporters. I told her that sometimes that is where people should start, in a community that already shares that common bound. Build from there, and it will grow into something so much more positive and better.

I want to hear her voice, I want to hear how she feels, and what she has to say. Unfortunately she has nay sayers that make her feel that she needs to keep quiet. I can say that I’ve been there with her on a few occasions, and I don’t always have patience with her because of her issues. That is where I’ve failed her, yet, I’ve never told her to quit. I always supported what she wanted to do with her life, even during the times that I’ve failed as a husband. Her worth is so much more than she knows.

Silence isn’t the answer, it’s just the reaction people give when they feel uncomfortable about the situation.  Some people feel that the only important thing to do is to look perfect, too look strong in front of everyone else. I hope that she can find the voice that I’ve taken up when it comes to her situation. She has a right to talk about what’s troubling her, and if people don’t like it, then they have the right to not read, or block, or unfriend, whichever is better for them.

Facts of being honest about weakness, has showed me support, as I’ve had many reach out to me about my depression and call me brave for being able to share my own issues and struggles that I constantly go through. I’ve had good days, but when I struggle, that’s when people tend to pay the most attention.

The biggest part of sharing those experiences and giving sound to find that voice is that it’s to help oneself, maybe it’s just so that we can find peace in knowing that we struggle in hopes that others might be enlightened and understand that it’s a constant fight.

My faults with my wife is that our roles have reversed in such a dramatic way that I’m not always patient with the things she does. I try to support her, and see that it isn’t easy being the strong one when needed. I see her frustrations as she’s had to be the strong one since she was fourteen, and she doesn’t know how to let it go. I will do all that I can to help her, as I realize that with the physical ailments that she’s come down with. It has also messed with her mentally and that’s where her struggles lie the most.

If you, the reader would like to know more, then comment, like, subscribe to this blog and we can get you the links to her stuff as well. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

We’ll Ride Out the Bad Times, Because It Gets Better

The worst thing during any part of my journey through life is when the self-doubt hits. The crazy thing was that I hadn’t worked out that week, and from what I’ve been told, could very well factor into part of the why I was feeling that way. The other fact of the reason “why” could also be because of the nightshift at  work. As long as I’m staying busy in some way, the nightshift isn’t bad. However, it’s the slow times that become painful at times.

I know better, yet I also have a habit of over thinking things. I think this is part of the depressive side of me. Having the same words going through my head of not being good enough, and wondering if I am. Who else feels this way? I know that I’m not the only one. God, it sucks to know that the influential years are during the first years of school. I still carry that shit with me today.

Even though I’m out of school, and it’s been for sometime, I still can’t shakes those feelings that I had when I was a kid. I’ve tried to teach my kids not to be that way, and as far as I can tell, it’s worked alright as they are compassionate children. This is at least to the extent that I’ve been able to actually witness with their interaction with their peers. I take that as a parenting win. However, I’ve also witnessed the aftermath of them getting bullied, and I’ve had those concerns as a parent. I worried that some of the thoughts that I had as a child would be common with the one’s that they may have had.

There was a period of time, particularly when I had been going through my bad period that I was really worried about my oldest. Middle School and High School were not the kindest years to her. I’m glad that she went to home school after that instance happened.

As it happens, the other two children are also doing home school. Because of the bullying that the officials “say” they have under control and take serious. That, and also the school system in our town isn’t the best. I feel that they are now in a better curriculum and they have a better chance to thrive. Little Chris has advanced far faster within the last year than he had at his special needs school. It’s just a shame that bullying isn’t taken serious, until a kid commits suicide and bullying is the reason.

Here I am, a man in my early forties, and I still have things from my youth still ingrained in my head. I remember having a conversation with my mom and she had mentioned that she had never realized that I felt that way. That’s something that people don’t always realize, the fact that depression likes to hide itself and not burden anyone. I fell like my problems shouldn’t be anyone else’s. That and I didn’t realize at the time that she had been suffering through her own issues.

I think that’s why I preferred the swing shift. It keeps me busier and that helps me stay in a better mindset. I think that’s why I’m always creatively working on things to keep my own mind busy. That way I don’t have those moments that I feel lonely. I feel that being on the nightshift also has its advantages, I do get to concentrate on more of the things I want, as it isn’t busy like the other shifts. It’s better than the dayshift because I don’t have to get up after only four hours of sleep, however, day’s are the busiest and makes the day go by so much faster.

Mentally I had a rough week, but I started feeling better as my days were ending. I can’t believe that working out was something that helped me feel a bit more aligned. I’ve been told that working out is the best anti-depressant, and so far I believe that it is true. It has been in my case at least. I’ve seen Tweets and had conversations with people who’ve only confirmed this theory. I hate missing workouts, yet life happens and that’s just the way it happens.

On the bright side, I was able to survive that week that was busy, and now I’ve taken a weekend to actually relax. It’s something that I’ve not done in some time, and being able to play  Pokemon with the kids has been a fun bonding experience. Now, I need to get going back on the motivation train.

That was something that I did notice last week,  I was pushing and trying to get my workout in. I was doing my 100 wall push-ups, and then I did 100 squats, which burned my legs. Then working out on Wednesday, I was able to get my son involved with the workout, and then we got one again on Friday. Sam, my trainer, decided to make the kids run. Chris is a bit uncoordinated because of his disabilities, but Sam was impressed with the way Chris could run. He told me that with a little work, Chris would be an even better runner. The best part was hearing Chris complain about how his lungs burned.

Yes, my kids suffered from a good workout, and I thought it was great. I think I needed that workout to get out of the funk I was in. I should have remembered that I would get through that moment. Sometimes, it’ harder to see when you start that process. It’s like when people start to think that suicide is the only option, because in that moment, seeing the light doesn’t seem like an option. I think that’s something people don’t always understand about suicidal tendencies. I’ve heard that it’s a “selfish act” and that “it’s the cowards way out,” but unless someone’s been there, or really studied it, they don’t get it.

I look back and I realize that there are many people who have it way worse than I do. Sometimes, it’s out of their control, and they feel that pressure more because of it. Sometimes, it comes out of the choices we make as people. I’m not one who’s always made the best choices in life, but I’m also not one to run away from what I’ve done, and try and blame it on others. I accept the responsibility for my actions. I wish that I could take back some of the things I did. I wish that my mind wasn’t my greatest enemy, but these are things that I try my best to overcome. Things have gotten so much better over the last several years, I’ve gotten better control of my life, and the weight loss journey is just one of the contributing factors that have helped.

Blogging has been my mental salvation. I know that it isn’t always a subject that people are comfortable talking about, but it’s something that needs to be addressed. I think that the conversation is becoming more common and that people are being more supportive with the struggles. Yes, there are those assholes who think that bringing people who struggle down is funny, but that just goes to show where we as a society should learn to improve the way things are dealt with.

Again I say that blogging has been my mental salvation. I noticed that as I’ve gotten better mentally, I would find less to talk about. Sometimes I would struggle to get something out, and I felt like I was only half-heartedly getting out the content. This would reflect in the views of my posts, and the comments that I would receive. As I struggle to get through my journey at different points, that’s where the views and the comment come in. That’s the time where the support really shines. Yes, I occasionally get negative feedback, but I’m at a point in my life that those opinions don’t matter. The reason? Because it was those opinion that helped get me in the state I was before, and I’m not going to fall that far down ever again.

As always, the is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please like, subscribe, share. That’s the easiest and best way to show support for the project.

 

A Struggle Point After Two-Years

Last week was a crazy busy week! I had to burn the midnight oil at both ends last week. It was a week where there just weren’t enough hours to get everything done, and get the proper amount of rest in the same day. While I work a nine-at-night to a seven-in-the-morning schedule, I had other things that took my focus during the day. Monday was the day for us to get taxes done. Tuesday, after work, I had to drive, with the help of my wife, to a doctor’s appointment for my son.

Wednesday wasn’t much better, while I had taken Tuesday night off, I still had to be to work at seven-forty-five for a physical appointment. I was fortunate that my bosses let me leave half-way through my shift on Thursday night, so that I could travel to meet some one who was four hours away on Friday. As you can see, my week kept me busy.

We got to spend a few hours with someone who I had known online for about twenty-years. This lady was my first internet friend, and had been a person who had been there for me when I needed some advice. First, as a newly discovered father, who wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing. Then, as someone who had kept me sane through bouts of boredom on the slow days at work. She’s been there for me and Sarah for a long time, and for this, I love her.

This is why I hadn’t gotten anything constructive done in the content department since last week. The plus part is that I got to see my long time friend the weekend before take his first steps going towards the weight loss journey.

Now, it’s time to get to the subject at hand: two-plus-years since my surgery, and I’m struggling. I’m seemingly stuck at 265 for weight since May of last year. Yes, I’ve gotten below it, however I always seem to come back to this weight, and it’s frustrating. I’ve also seemed to have lost motivation for some of the things that I was striving to get too. I’m always struggling to keep myself positive anymore.

One thing that has struck me in the biggest way is the fact that I don’t want to promote at work anymore. I’ve decided that I need to go another way, until I can start supporting myself with the CK Project and Luckey Bom Films. I guess that I’m just tired of feeling negativity in the environment around me.

Maybe this is part of the reason I’ve been feeling that way? I know that I’ve been dealing with people and it seems that some of them just suck the positive energies out of me. This isn’t easy for me to deal with as I’ve got my own demons to deal with, and while I try to help people, I think that I might have to step away for a while and refocus.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in my own head, searching for answers that I just can’t seem to come up with. I know that the weight loss journey is worth it, and that I will over come these hurdles that are holding me down, it’s just being in my own head is the hard part. It feels that I’m searching for something more, and the problem is, I’m not sure what that “more” is. Why do I have to feel like my own worst enemy all the time?

I’ve been thinking about more about this then I should have to give the energy too. Maybe this is apart of the transition? I have a level of tolerance that’s been pushed, and the bullshit is just getting too much. Yet, at the same time, I hear that I need to have patience, and that’s not something I’m always good at. Then I find that some level of depression keeps me from going and pursuing some of my other goals. This struggle is always a back-and-forth with me.

On the positive side, at least self-harm isn’t a factor in my thought process anymore. That’s probably the biggest part of my progress that I can call a win. Suicidal ideology isn’t a laughing matter, and to have that thought process since the age of seven is a bigger tragedy. I think it’s a bigger tragedy that we have lived in a toxic society that encourages a system of worth based on a superficial check list. Poor? “You have no worth”. Fat? “You’re lazy, and have no worth”. Weird? Strange? Unpopular? I think that my point is made. This is something ingrained at a young age.

I will overcome this current mindset, I know this. It’s just somedays the light at the end of the tunnel is hard to see. Sometimes the path isn’t always the clearest, and it makes the journey hard to see. Looking back, I’ve come a long way, and this isn’t just something that I chose to do on a whim. I’ve been working on this for almost six-years, and I’ve come a long way. This is something that nobody but myself and take away from me.

I know that I won’t stop, I just struggle, and I’ve seen something that happens with many weight loss surgery patients that I know. It seems that after awhile, they get complacent and let the weight go back up. I don’t want to be one of those people. I like the way I feel, and I want to continue to improve, and I want to become the best version of myself. I think that’s a goal worthy of obtaining.

Sometimes, we can’t understand why people would lose motivation to do things. Life isn’t always kind to us. I feel that so much can happen to us in our lives that it’s not always in easy to keep up the positive vibes. Life happens, people get sick, and it takes a toll. Sometimes, you have well intentioned people who come into your life, and yet their needs tend to drain the energy from you because their issues are too much for them to control. As much as I’m all about the ninety-percent is about reactions to the situation, sometimes the persistence can chip away and eventually break someone down. Maybe this is a boundary thing that I have to set? Maybe I need to tell people that I can’t give them the “spoons” required to help feed into their troubles because it’s becoming too much for me.

I’m always an advocate for mental health, and I’m always one to show support for another person, especially in their time of need, but sometimes it gets too much. I feel guilty because it’s not something that I think that I can get continue on providing the help. The conversation is always the same, and I think that I’m at the point where I’m just done with it. Maybe stepping away from that conversation is what is needed to preserve the friendship? Maybe, it will be so offensive to the person that it ruins the friendship? I’d hate for that to happen, because I hate losing people in my life. Sometimes that’s the way it goes though. If they’re a real friend, they’ll respect that boundary though. Lord knows that I’ve been hear with people before, and while I’ve lost friends over it, I’ve been better off without them in the end.

As I write this, I’m actually feeling a bit better, which is part of the reason I started blogging in the first place. I will continue to improve myself, but the path isn’t always a smooth one, and I am a person who is constantly filled with self-doubt. I will struggle and I will have days that I fail, but it isn’t failure unless I give it up. That’s not something I plan on doing, because I spent too much time being trapped in a body that I didn’t feel like it was mine. If anyone is questioning, no, I’m not doing this because of the way anybody else might have perceived me, but I hated the feeling of not feeling in control of myself.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

The Swim

I’m out of town with a friend today with a friend who’s going in to have some tests done because he’ll be going through the gastric sleeve surgery in a couple of months. To say that I’m excited for him, is an understatement, as I know how much his life is going to change. We are standing out of town for the night as he has to be at the doctor’s office at five-thirty in the morning. I will be his ride home from his endoscopy.

We went out to dinner and decided to go for a walk to get some steps in, but the best part is when we got back to the motel, I checked out the pool. It had a warmer temperature then I was expecting, and I decided to go for a swim. Something I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned in my blogs is that I’m a fan of swimming. If there’s one activity that I love, it’s the fact that I love swimming more than anything else. I would do it all day, everyday.

I haven’t gone swimming since I had my surgery, and I was glad that I had the opportunity to do so. It was the best feeling in the world to feel my body surrounded by water. I’m someone that loves to be anywhere that my feet aren’t touching the solid ground. I love the water, and I love flying. Even though I spend my time more on the ground, any chance I get I’ll go to the water, or air.

The better part was that as I was swimming, I loved the way I felt. I felt so much stronger in the water. I haven’t felt quite like that since I was at my peak condition in the tenth grade. It felt amazing to push myself through the water and just keep going without being tired. I felt like a machine crawling through the water. I miss that feeling. It’s surprising how free I feel being in the water. I spent most of my childhood around the water. The ocean in specific. I remember going to the beaches in Okinawa as a boy and spending all day in the water.

I officially learned to swim in fourth or fifth grade, and I never went back. The pool was huge, and the diving board was high. It felt like twenty feet deep, and the board seems just as high. I jumped off that board, and I would dive have way down to depth of the pool. I don’t even know how deep or high it really was, but I loved it.

I have so many great memories surrounding a pool. I remember how I would spend most of my summer having out at the pool. I would swim and check out the girls. I remember the girlfriends that I made while hanging at the pool. I remember the girl I first fell in love with. The friendships I had made during that time.

Again, I wish I could go find a pool and swim everyday. I find peace in the water surrounding my body. It’s another way that I feel that I connect spiritually. This is something I find myself discovering more; my spirituality. I don’t really have time for organized religion, as I’ve come to question most things about it, but believing in some higher power is there, and I’m finding my connection with the spirit more and more.

To quote a friend, he once said to me,”religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell, spirituality is for those who’ve already been there.” It’s amazing how much something like that can connect with the soul. I find myself realizing that water is part of that connection between me and the spiritual world.

The experience from tonight’s swim has given me some time to reflect on the way I’ve been feeling. I feel like the water has washed over some of the doubts, and negative feelings that I’ve been having gnawing at my mind lately. The rush of the water surrounding me as I was gliding through the water felt like a baptism of renewed positivity. It was something that I didn’t know that I really needed.

I’ve been the positive person in front of people, motivating, and keeping my physical self in the process of getting better. There are other things that I’ve not been in sync with for sometime. I still struggle with my confidence. It’s gotten so much better, but there are those days that I still feel like that person who was 430 pounds. I have the days I feel fat, and unattractive. I realize that it sounds silly, but I think we all have those days.

That’s not to say that I have those days very often, but I know that it comes up during times of higher stress. There are factors both of my own design and outside that have been putting me at a slightly elevated. The positive thing is that I’m trying to take the steps that are needed to reduce those factors from influencing me. That means that when I’m successful in what direction I’m heading in, there will be some major changes coming and I have to be prepared for them to happen. Some of these changes could dramatically alter the future for my family. Some are changes that are minor, but will make me a better person for.

I’m looking forward to seeing my hard work pay off, and I welcome the journey that will get me there. It’s never really the beginning or the end that shows us the things we need to know and learn. It’s the journey that gets us there. The struggles, the times where we feel like we want to just break down and give up. I’d been there many times. I wanted to say that I’m done, what’s the use of trying. This was the way I was before I started to change. I had to fight with myself, and I had to keep fighting with myself to keep going.

It really sucks when you give into those thoughts about not being good enough. When feeling like you don’t belong. That’s something that I think the water helped me understand tonight. I needed to let go of the doubt, and just let things happen. I need to believe that I will continue to get the good things that I speak. I am worth that damn.

Life gets complex as I have been filled with these doubts, I’ve also been rewarded by seeing the positive influence that I’ve had on people around me. I would say that the influence of one or two people was good, however I’ve been seeing it more and more lately. Double digits at that, and now I’m in awe that I’ve started something that makes me happy and continues to fill me with such a great joy.

Even with the doubts and struggles, it reminds me that I’m living the best me. I shouldn’t have the doubt that I do, and I matter. I think that’s something many of us strive to have, the feeling of making a difference in the world. So far, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do, and I will continue doing it for as long as I can. Why? Because people matter to me, and seeing the struggles just makes that more cemented in my mind that I want to help make that difference.

Please, like and subscribe to my blog. It helps to remind me that I’m doing the job that I set out to do. You can follow the CK Project  podcast at https://anchor.fm/CkProject. Like and subscribe to that too. I love to know that people are paying attention. Plus it helps let other people know that someone actually pays attention, and then it just snowballs into a bigger ball, and soon I’ll be able to do more with the brand. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Feeling of Failure

I went in for another check-up this weekend with West Medical. It’s been two-years and two months since I went through this whole process. I went in and had a gain of six-pounds. That was just from the last check-up last month. I can probably make as many excuses on why that was. One being that they had just moved and probably hadn’t calibrated the scale, two, maybe because I’ve been having issues with my bowls. Yet, I’m not going to make those excuses.

I know that I’m not going to hit a home run every single time that I go in, and being stuck in the same area since May of last year has been frustrating. Plus, I’ve been going to get togethers over the last several weekends and I haven’t kept myself in check with the eating. On top of that this week just wasn’t the best week to get my workouts in.

This was my second week on the nightshift, and it felt a bit more difficult to be adjusted too than the first week. Again, I’m not making excuses, I just know that I need to work harder and stay more consistent with what I’m doing. Hell, my streak for 10,000 plus steps a day finally came to an end as of Sunday. I wasn’t feeling it, and honestly I felt like it was a day to kind of throw myself a bit of a pity party.

It made for a slightly depressed weekend for me, and I know that I’m better than that. I had a brief moment of wanting to give it all up. After working hard for the last two years, I felt it. I’ve been feeling a bit on the fat side lately too, and it hasn’t helped my case at all. As of the Super Bowl, I did get a little carried away on the food again. I didn’t gorge myself like I would have in the past, but I also realize that when I get a bit over full, I become really tired, and that’s not a good sign.

I didn’t do an update picture, or announcement because I’m ashamed that I let myself get carried away. I’ve had a period of weakness, but I’m not done with this journey by a long shot. I am trying to find that determination to pick myself back up and continue on this path which has made me far more happier than I thought I would be.

Like all journeys, we struggle along the way. I find myself in doubt often. With that has come a lot of self-realization. I realize that there’s a lot of phycological baggage that seems to want to weigh me down as I go through this. I also realize that I’m stronger than I think I am. I need to find that balance and get that resolve back.

I look back at all the things that I’ve done, and I see where I am in relation to what I started at. I like pushing myself, I like that feeling that I get after a good workout. I’m liking the way my body looks more and more. I just don’t like the days were I feel fat and unattractive.

That’s something that I find different, is the fact that I actually don’t think I’m ugly like I used to be. Years of negative talk had kept me down. Even when I try to make others feel better about themselves. I think I would be that way to mask the fact that I didn’t like myself so much.

I actually did a podcast on relationships on Saturday night https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA. If you’ve never heard one of my podcasts, please listen. I’d appreciate feedback on the subject of how relationships are never truly equal, and relationships with ourselves change like that too. I notice that once I actually took the time to start investing in myself, that I started liking myself so much more than I had.

Why is it that it seems like we are our own biggest critic? We are our own worst enemy about most decisions in life? I have been surrounded by negative energy my whole life, while I’ve been loved and had positive things as well. It’s the negative that always seems to stick out to me. Is this a way that the mind gets programmed to hove the thoughts that we do? Society isn’t kind to us in that respect, and it’s a shame that we don’t seem to want to treat each other better as a whole.

As I write this, I’m finding something inside of me that wants to keep pushing forward. I’ve got so much that I want to do, and I know that there are things that are preventing me from my utmost potential, for an example, I sprained my ankle a while back and was trying to take it easy, but as I felt that I could work it again, it would pop, and hurt. This was up until one of my last training sessions. Yet, I’m going to get on this and get past my negative, and self-sabotage. I will win, because in the end I don’t have any other option.

It’s funny how much more I feel that I take on for myself, partly it’s because it’s a distraction from being this ball of depression. I get to a point that concentrating on just a few things has gotten me to seem like I have to squeeze other essential parts in between those tasks that I’m already doing.

I have to take care of family, which I would never deny, self-care, and get my creative endeavors going. It sometimes feels like it can be a bit overwhelming, and I know that I do this to myself. It’s gotten better as I used to start things and never get around to completing them. Now, if it’s something I really want to work on, I write it down. Then I’ll see something and it just adds to me adding more projects, and stories. My walking everyday, my working out, is the moment that I work on my temple and spend time in my spiritual world.

I had a hard time actually wanting to write this blog, because I love talking about the good things going on with my weight loss journey. Though I would be be phony if I didn’t talk about the bumps in the road. As I look back at what the CK Project  is, I see how things have changed. I see that it went from just about weight loss, then to mental health, to a hodgepodge of both of those worlds.

This blog has helped me in so many ways as  therapy, and there have been times that things had been going so good, that I had no idea what I was going to write. For those who do follow and read, from the bottom of my heart, I do appreciate you. Sarah, I know that you, as my wife are usually one of those who read them first, as you follow, like and support everything I do. Keep staying with me through this I appreciate it, and I hope you find enlightenment from it. If you have any questions, statements, or whatever, please feel free to reach me at ckproject@zohomail.com. Any interaction is good, and it keeps me wanting to do more, and try to be the tool that will help guide people in their troubled times.

Good or bad, I will keep telling my story, and I’m going to do my best not to be something that I’m not. This is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please, like and subscribe.

 

 

Fourteen Years Of What?!

Today’s my son’s birthday. In the fourteen years that he’s been in my life, I’ve learned so much. There was so much unknown about how he would turn out, being for pre-mature, and everything has been a lesson in itself. Watching him in the first few years, we didn’t realize that he was different.

Autumn, being born four-and-a-half-years before was a far easier experience. She was mostly independent, and such a loving and smart kid. Chris, while loving, has always depended on us for so much.  As a parent, it’s striking to see how very different these two would be at such a young age.

Little Chris was born six weeks early, and between the two pregnancies, his birth seemed much quicker than his sisters. He just ended up spending so much more time in the hospital, because he was jaundice. Three weeks, and Sarah was having fits about not having him home. 

At the age of six, we found out that Chris was high functioning autistic. We also discovered that he has a slight mental delay. This made since because it explained why it was so difficult to get him potty-trained. Before we knew this, I just thought his stemming was a quirk. Frustratingly, hearing the professional say that my son was mentally retarded was a difficult thing to hear. I mean, who wants to hear that about their children?

With that being said, watching him in the proper educational environment has proven that he’s smart. Yes, he can be a little slow, but he’s brilliant. Just spend time with him, and listen to his views on life and other things. Sometimes he speaks and I wonder where he got the observations that he has.

Autumn, was my first child, and she makes me so proud with everything she’s overcome. I know that we don’t always get along, and that’s the fact that she’s way too much like me, but I love her to death, and I will always be there for her.

Chris and his special needs have tested me in patience and understanding. He shows me a love and loyalty that makes me want to be an even better person. I’m proud to have seen how much he has overcome as well, and continues to mature and become his own person. 

We do so much together, and it’s fun that he actually likes hanging out with me. We play video games together, and he works for me when I film. It’s amazing to see how fast he’s progressed in the last year, I was always afraid that he was always going to fall so far behind and never catch up, but the last several months have shown that he has the aptitude to over come those things that life has thrown at him. When he started out this school year, he was technically in seventh grade, however due to his special needs, he was only at a third grade, middle of the school year level. As of his last report, as of a few days ago, he’s up to a fifth grade level in most of his work.

Think of the things he accomplished. It’s something that we all should take into account when it comes to life. If the deck is stacked against you, you can overcome it with motivation and determination. Too often in life, we find it easier to quit and not put in any effort. Sometimes, it’s easier to try and put the blame for our problems on other people. It would be easier, but that doesn’t mean that it’s better. 

This kid has been there every step of the way, just like the rest of my family. He does everything to make sure that I keep honest with what I do, and he tries to keep me motivated in all aspect of this weight loss journey. Often times, he’s the one who goes on walks with me, and we talk about various aspects in life. The most common subjects usually revolve around professional wrestling, or superheroes. We’ve gotten into discussions about politics and filmmaking. I love to hear his thoughts and opinions on these subjects. I’m always fascinated by the fact of what he learns about these things.

He is fourteen, and it blows my mind just how short of time we actually have to enjoy these little creatures, before they become adults. I mean, my oldest is already half-way to her nineteenth year. She’s now an adult and looking to move forward in her life. She’s looking for a job and going to school for a career. 

I see that they both have general ideas on what they want to be when they grow up, and how they want to impact the world they live in. I wish I had remembered that I had some sort of direction on what I really wanted to do back then. Autumn wants to work for Disney and my son wants to have his own restaurant. I love to see them start to explore their chosen paths.

In contrast, the things I wanted to do was be involved with entertainment. I wanted to be a singer, and own my own record label. Life got in the way, and I discovered that I preferred acting to music, even though I have a deep love for performing music. The truth is, I find that being a visual storyteller seems to fit me way better.

If he ever gets to read this blog, or, I know his mom will. I’m going to leave some imparting words to my second born: Christopher, we’ve been through so much as a family. I see that you’ve struggled, and have been frustrated with the difficulties put into your life. You’re stronger and smarter than I could ever give you credit for. I’m proud to see the man you are becoming. Truth is, you’re inspiring not only to me, but those around you. Your love of music matches mine, and it’s always great to see that you have a love of crooner music thatI find fascinating. Keep shooting for the stars and reach higher than you think you can. People aren’t always going to root for you, but your parents will and we can’t wait to see where you’re going to go through this journey in life. 

As a side note: I knew from about the age of twelve that I would want children. I don’t know if it came from the fact that I was raised as an only child, but that feeling of being paternal was there. I’m just fortunate to find a woman like Sarah, who decided that I would be worthy enough to build a life with and have two of the best kids ever. I kind of pictured having three, and while she’s not mine by blood, our niece Lily is that third child that I wanted. While she has had a rough life in the beginning, I can only hope that she has learned and taken to heart the lessons that I’ve tried to provide her. There’s always a better way in life. 

With that, this is my team, they’ve been there all the way since I started to turn my own life around. I’ve got the most loving children, even if they’ve picked up on my humor, and have become assholes in their own way. I love them and wouldn’t change much about how things have gone. Why, you might ask? Because the positives are good to have, but the negatives are the necessary to traverse to become better humans.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap. 

Remember to like and subscribe to this blog, and follow me on the various social medias, because I appreciate the fact that you would take the time to share my thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Not Your Door Mat

I’ve mentioned how I’ve been changing in both physically and mentally. I mean the weight loss has been obvious, and I’m navigating the new found confidence that I’ve been getting. Mentally, I’m far healthier than ever, but it’s the fact that observing the way others have treated me, is where things have gotten a bit trickier.

In the job that I do, it’s very customer service driven. I mean if you look at it, what job isn’t? Movies are the same thing. You put a story together for a specific audience, that’s why most superhero movies are rated PG-13 and more family friendly. Yes, there are exceptions, but in general, they’re geared to a family audience.

Back to the story though: the people I tend to deal with come across as both impatient and entitled. They also often times expect way more then they should, and expect us to work harder and put unnecessary tasks, that aren’t apart of our job. I was one who would get bullied for “not doing enough”, and that was were some of my depression issues manifested from.

The point that I think I should make clear is that nobody should ever be felt that they aren’t enough. Yes, there are those who we all work with that would like to do the minimum and just be there to get a pay check, but that doesn’t mean that anyone should treat you like you have less value than you do. I know at my lowest point mentally, I would allow that feeling to be validated by those people around me. When I was feeling like a burden, that kind of behavior just seemed to agree with the way I was already feeling.

That was the past though, and if anything has been shown since I started blogging, is that I won’t allow my past to define who I am. That’s something we all should need to remember that our past does not define us. Why should we let something that was a mistake be the defining factor in the definition of our lives? Everyone has a bad moment, and life should be about growth. I found that something like this is where my life needed to change.

Now getting to this point took time to develop, and lots of self-realization to get there. When I finally got to this point, I knew that I needed to change. I knew that I needed something to help me become better than I was. When I decided that I had to accept responsibility for my own actions, and that I wanted something better, growth was the only way to go.

We live in an ugly world, and the truth is that you have people who would rather put you down, and watch you lose, then see you prosper and be successful. Why is that? Why would anybody want ill-will to their fellow human? The statement, “misery loves company,” is true. People will try to bring you down to their level, just so that they can feel better about themselves. Maybe it’s just a way to stroke their ego? I have said in previous blogs that ego is the enemy to ourselves. It’s that way to self-sabotage, and I’ll even say that it leads to negativity in life.

Grow, water, nurture yourself. Maybe ego is the thing that holds you down. I know that I’ve had to deal with the complexity of low-self-esteem, and ego. I think that the ego was to overcompensation for that low-self-esteem. This has lead to so much heart ache and turmoil in some of my relationships. This was something else that fed into the negativity that I was producing in the world.

It’s just like not accepting responsibility for our own actions. I think the realization of accepting that responsibility was the first step in becoming a better person. It’s sad that I have seen this same toxic behavior in others, and watched as it’s ruined relationships and success in others. It seems to make life much harder to get through in the end.

Going back to the point of being a doormat to other people and the negativity that comes with it is this: change the way you look at yourself. I know that I have, and I know that I was in so deep with being treated a certain way, that once I started realizing that it wasn’t acceptable the way I was treated, I started to want that change. When it’s the norm, I guess we don’t realize that it’s that bad. Maybe that’s why people stay in abusive relationships? Could it be because our minds try to protect us from the traumatic horrors that can come from our lives?

I know shedding the fat like I have, feels like I got rid of layers of negativity in my life. I know that for me being fat, it was from a lifetime of negativity in my life. This comes with some odd realizations. My household had always been surrounded with a negative energy. I don’t know if it’s just now, or I don’t remember if it always been, but I think there was always that vibe in the house with my parents.  I just see it more now, as my parents have gotten older, and my mom has always had this temper about her. I just notice it more so now days that she is always yelling when something  disturbs what she’s doing. I think there might be some deeper phycological stuff to deal with there, but I don’t got the degree to analyze it.

Again, the past doesn’t define us. Whatever I had been through, and however I’ve allowed myself to be treated, the past doesn’t define me. I use that to define what I had to help make me better than I was. I use my choices to help make things better, and it helps drive me to do better. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

If you have any questions or comments that you don’t want to post on here, you’re more then welcome to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com