How Will 2023 Be Better?

Therapy is on the menu for this year, it’s okay when you’re not okay, but how do you get okay? Seek help from someone who understands. It’s not always easy looking for help, asking is even harder, and let’s face it, insurance isn’t always on your side when it comes to mental health. Why? Maybe it’s viewed as some sort of liability. It remains that seeking help from a professional is a great way to help deal with the difficulties in life. Especially when they sneak up and become overwhelming.

I know that being more active in blogging will also be something that will make this year just a tad bit easier for me. This is because typing out what’s going on is very theraputic in its own right, and I know that these written words have touched others in some fashion. Plus, I miss writing and this is practice for that other thing I like to do. However, I find that my writer’s block isn’t an issue so far this year.

There was a point where I had troubles coming up with things to discuss, because I felt like I had dealt with all that I needed to conquer. I had slayed the beast of my mental health problems, and became the champion, in my own mind. Kidding! I’m just kidding. I just didn’t have anything that I seemed to struggle with during that time.

The pandemic had hindered some of the goals I had set forth several years ago. I had caused me to become less motivated in exercise, since we were all in lock down at the time. Now it’s time to find that motivation and become an ass kicker once again. I did use some of that time to study and I had become a personal trainer, which I still do, and plan on diversifying even more as I continue, but I’ve ran into some issues that are slowly being resolved.

The biggest hindrance has been trying to film. We wanted to get started on filming our thriller Unexpected Side Trip, but that kind of got pushed aside. I’ve polished the script and think it’s a goal to get going in the near future. We ended up doing The Driver(2020) as a project to do over summer. I wanted to continue that story and had one treatment for it. I passed it around, and then decided to simplify it and made it longer. Do to situations beyond our control, we only got to film part of it, and then I decided that I wanted to go in a different direction with it. So, we’re taking the concept of what we filmed and use that as an ending to our first season, and I’m currently working on the story to feel out the events that lead up to it.

I’m glad that the writers block as finally passed. I’m glad that I’m being motivated to get things done again. After recovering from Covid, I finally was able to get the strength up to actually start doing yoga again. I was doing it for two-days-a-week in the beginning, and now I’m up to three. I plan on keeping it going and doing more days during the week. I’ve also gotten back to getting 12,000 plus steps in on most days and that’s something that’s been helping with my mental state as we..

Another thing that has put this year in a good direction is that issues that came up towards the end of last year are finally starting to resolve themselves, and I hope that this trend continues to go in a positive direction. We need this win.

Therapy is going to be key this year. I need to find that help since most aspects of my life seem to be “throwing curve balls in my direction”. Sad that being overwhelmed and losing control is what it took to realize that I couldn’t just handle everything, like I had been trying. Being everything to everyone was starting to become too much and it exhausted me. Helping my parents, has exhausted me. I’ll gladly do it, but it takes a tool. There’s a vibe that I can never seem to shake after I’ve been there.

I also hope that Sarah gets to a place that her physical pain isn’t as bad as it has been for the past several months. Her arm causes so many issues when she moves it. She said that the pain will cause her to pass out at times, and I honestly thought that she was exaggerating, until I witnessed it myself. It was a scary experience to say the least.

I think one of the best things to come out of last year was getting Duce, my son, into a school for kids with special needs. I’ll admit that I’m not impressed with the way the educational system seems to mishandle kids with special needs. They seem to get left behind. As a parent, I’ve been frustrated at seeing him struggle, and want to give up. This new school has him motivated and he’s finding that he has a chance to excel, and prove that he’s smarter than “the system” has given him credit for.

Towards the end of December, we were involved in a car accident on our way home from shopping and that’s left us without a vehicle. I appreciate those who’ve helped give us rides in our time of need. It’s made me realize that being able to take myself to work is a freedom that I’ve taken too much advantage of, and it’s been missed. However, that’s an issue that is currently being resolved. At least no-one was severely hurt during the collision.

I think the thing to take away from this blog, is that it’s a time to take a risk and move things forward. I’m planning on taking a positive mindset into this new year, because it’s worked for me in the past. My friend told me that I needed to take life, one-day-at-a-time. I’ve had so much anxiety and worry do to all the things that life is throwing at me, I tend to forget that all I can do is handle things in that way.

With that, I often feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and it really does overwhelm me. That’s why I’ve had depression and the mental block that’s kept me from feeding my soul.

Well, that’s a wrap on another blog. Thanks for sticking with me through everything. This is the director and that’s a wrap

Here We Go Again

Here goes another year, as I find my guidance to make it through this crazy thing called life. To be honest, the last couple of years have been a bit of an adjustment. Let’s review what has gone on in the last few years, that have changed my perspective in life.

I guess we should start with the fact that I was fortunate to have been on the night shift during the first several months of the pandemic. I was only supposed to be on it for six months, but it ended up being eight-long-months. The months of March and April just seemed to be a four-month-stent each. Night shift provided me with not having to deal with anyone really.

I think night shift ended up being my saving grace a few times. In 2019 we had an earthquake that registered at 7.1. I didn’t have to deal with much that the day shift had too. It was nice that the last three years in my previous job, gave me a chance to deal with something other than the craziness of the day shift.

Thinking about the last few years, I saw loss, and not with just how a few of my friends had lost loved ones. I know through the pandemic, I had known several people whom had died do to Covid complications. It started hitting closer to home when I had heard that my former pastor’s wife passed from those complications. It hit even closer to home when my sister texted me about getting ahold of my brother because my mother had Covid, and after a few year stint in a health care facility, it was going to be her last days.

This event finally motivated me to travel back east and finally meet family that I grew up not knowing. I’m glad that I was able to get there, however, I was in the air between Detroit and Harrisburg when my mom finally passed. I was met at the airport by my niece’s mom, Jessica. I had an ongoing dialogue with this woman for years, and it was finally nice to meet in person. Jessica is by far one of the most giving and kindest people that I’ve ever known, and her daughters are just the best children outside of my own.

Being in Pennsylvania connected me to something. I can’t quite explain the experience, but I felt like some of my life story had been filled in, and I also know that something about that place calls me to spend more time there, perhaps this next part of my life’s journey. I have cousins that I’d like to get to know, however, I felt that way about spending more time with family here in California, which I became very disappointed with. Though I get along better with some of the more unexpected ones for sure.

Finding myself working after the trip left me wondering where my future would be, and it was early in December when a mutual friend of mine and my ex-wife reached out to me, and informed me that my ex had passed from Covid. I really didn’t know how to feel about this. People kept telling me that they were sorry for my loss. I find that getting those wishes was a bit strange. We hadn’t been together in over twenty-years. I think that my connection to her was the fact that we had become friends again. I felt bad for her as I had watched her struggle with stage four adrenal cancer.

Then the day after Christmas, I applied for a job that would take me on a new career path. I got a job as a media specialist, working for an archive center. I would learn to be more proficient with photoshop and help organize things in a way to make items easier to find. I hadn’t had an office type job since I had been a Realtor in 2007.

This was a blessing to get out of a high stress job, however, I also found myself struggling with not being in a job that was so demanding. Going from a four-day-ten-hour-shift job, to something that actually had a lunch, and a relaxed environment took some getting used too. I still love my job to this day.

I also found time to assist with coaching youth wrestling, working as a personal trainer, and taking various martial art, classes. I enjoyed it all, and yet there was something missing, and as 2021 would continue along I would find that stresses where starting to creep in and really impact my life.

In January 2019, my stepmom ended up falling off a ladder and suffering a cracked skull. This was a tough time in my life, and for the years surrounding this, I was taking time off of work due to sick family members. When summer of 2021 hit, my step mom had another head injury that left her in an out of town hospital for weeks. I think this was when things started to get worse for me, mentally.

I had stopped being really creative and I was feeling it, because creating is the outlet that I need. It saved me from one of the worst time periods in my life. My film stuff suffered, my blogging became minimal. In part because I didn’t know what to say. Worse, I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling. I was just trying to keep positive and sane. I thought that I had it all under control, yet my frustrations, and anger kept creeping in. It just kept getting worse.

2022 I found myself feeling ennui, and I lost myself. I did get back into being creative a little and we filmed, but I struggled being satisfied with it. I had fun doing those things that we filmed, but I needed something more. Getting filming with another became an issue that stopped from filming.

The highlight is that I started seeing a therapist again. It was hard to realize that I didn’t have things under control. To be honest, food as become my drug again and I don’t like how I physically feel. I don’t like how for the last several months, I’ve not been present around my family, but there’s a silver lining.

I had Covid for the second time around Thanksgiving time. It took me longer to actually recover fully from it, and physically I feel like I have to completely start over to get back into the shape I was. While starting again sucks, I’m determined to get all that motivation back and bounce back better than ever. I’m getting back into being creative so that will also help.

I’m the director and that’s a wrap.

Building a Better Me: The Battle

The goal: to improve yourself to “hopefully” improve the way you feel, and to positively affect those around you. Life goes well, and you’re feeling the difference, when things start to head in a different direction. A pandemic hits, then self realization starts to sink in and all of a sudden, you’re in a spot of wondering why? Why so I struggle with the decisions that I’m make? Why have the bad habits seem to sneak back into my life? What does it all mean?

Life is a struggle, and when something gets introduced in some unexpected ways, it takes time to process, and with that more questions come about. Then more of the puzzle from the past comes to start explaining why the “knee jerk” reactions happen the way they do. The scary part is realizing that some of those reactions are from fucked up things that happened to you because of the choices you made down in a distant past.I watched a video once that said that thinking of the past brings depression, and that kind of explains a few things.

Life still shows you the struggle and then you start to wonder about the unknown in the future. You want to better yourself, but making those hard choices, leaves you scared because of the unknown. You know that the current path is easier, even the safer choice. That video I mentioned about depression, also mentioned that anxiety is what happens when you dwell on the future. I guess that’s a case study for living in the present.

I often have found myself zoning out, thinking of other things, besides the present, and I guess that would explain some of the difficulties that I’ve had. Yet, how does one truly live in the present? Patanjali was quoted, Yoga takes you into the present moment, the only place where life exists. I think that’s part of why I’m becoming such a fan of yoga. I went to study it for something different to put under my personal training belt, but it’s become so much more than just that for me.

Then you go off track, sometimes you just seem to lose or forget your reason for doing those things you chose to do. In all truth, sometimes, life just gets busy, and you lose focus. That’s when you need the gentle reminder that it’s okay to stumble sometimes. I think part of this comes down to not having the best time management in my personal life.

Work is kind of easy to keep track of all the tasks that need to be done. I multi-task like a son of a bitch at work, and it seems to push me to do better. Plus it keeps me from getting bored from the same desk sitting mundane tasks that happens everyday. That is my professional motivation.

So, where do I go from here? Am I stuck in a pattern of toxic cycles, feeling sorry for myself? I heard a friend say something to me at a birthday party the other night that got me thinking about where my mindset has been. He said that he didn’t know if I had still been practicing kickboxing and that got me thinking about how much I miss the martial arts. It’s never gone far away, I still watch videos for technique and I occasionally move around, but it’s not the same as hitting the bag every day. So, it’s motivating me back into working out.

I have found motivation to get back on the task at hand, to workout, get my steps. The down side is that getting started again is a task since parts of my body hurt. It’s not like the main muscles are sore, I’ve been working on those awhile, but it’s the smaller stabilizer muscles, and other muscles that seem to be much harder to stretch that are getting to me. Once the routine is back on, I’ll be unstoppable.

Now, I’ve been in a strange place with my writing. Blogging has become infrequent, script writing is kind of in the same boat, and I’m trying to get my project filmed, but things seem to be getting in the way of finishing. I know that I need to prioritize my time a bit better, and I think that will help. Even squeezing things in earlier during the day would help.

I had to leave coaching because it was getting in my way of being creative, and yet I really miss teaching. I know that I want to expand on my martial arts so that I can teach more things, and it was always fun watching the kids develop into better versions of themselves, and being better athletes because of it.

My new pledge is to get back into blogging and being creative, because it poison of distraction and procrastination is always present. While sorter then most of my blogs, I’m calling this a wrap.

Building a Better Me? The Mixed Bag

I think I’m going to start out by saying that this blog here will probably be NSFW. The past several months I’ve been struggling with coming to terms with a few things, and quite frankly, I’ve been having emotions all over the place. That’s good though, right?

I’ve not been a person to be very in touch with my emotions over the last thirty-years. The first issue with that stems from the fact that I suffered a traumatic head injury at the age of thirteen. I had to relearn so much, even embarrassingly having to use the bathroom. I wasn’t sure how I should react to things. Through that experience, I had become a different person, and my parent’s say that I was a stark contrast to the person I was.

I was sensitive as a child, but I had become much harder after the accident. My parent’s would say that I became more callous. I can remember several times where this was proven true, and I feel that I would only mime those feelings that I should have shown during specific events in my life. This is how I spent my years in high school, telling my girlfriend’s that I loved them, but was that because I was trying to have sex with them? Maybe it was because that was the way I was supposed to feel, and I just never really associated the true feelings with it? I think that perhaps it was a bit of both.

As I set this information as a foundation, I’ve been finding myself trying to connect a bit more with people. I know that the transition of connection started after my weight loss surgery, but it’s gotten more so in the last few months. In part, the reason is that I’m trying to push my brands and get some exposure; in another part, I truly want to show support for people who are through the same experiences that I’ve gone through.

One reason is because the decision of having weight loss surgery and the aftermath isn’t easy. I don’t understand why it seems to be so controversial among family members. My family hasn’t been the problem, but I’ve had other’s share their own experiences with family members disapproving of that choice. It doesn’t seem like an easy answer when dealing with these family members as it adds to the drama that might already be going on mentally.

There’s plenty of psychological battles going on inside after the surgery. Changes with the relationship with food. After a time the realization that the skin will always hang loose, and that more surgery would be required to fix that, and often times it leaves scars that are even more unattractive.

Getting back to the point is that I’ve been slowly connecting with people and I’ve always been able to at the bare minimum fake sympathy. Yet lately, I’ve become overwhelmed with emotions as I find myself conflicted with where my life is, and with where my heart feels it wants to be. I’ve felt intense moments of love, and even more intense moments of sadness. This last weekend I went to a twenty-nine-year-old’s celebration of life, and I’ve known this girl since she was four.

It’s profound on how little time I spent with her, that she had impacted my life. She was, at the time, my girlfriend’s little sister. This small child with down-syndrome, who had the biggest smile in the world. Watching the slide show of her childhood, there were strong emotions on seeing this life so full of happiness, and love.

Then the level of stress has been a bit higher as current events have made life a bit more of a struggle. Inflation is up, and while I have a good job, it feels like I’m still eighteen, trying to make a living on minimum wage. It’s frustrating, but I love my job, and the opportunities that has been provided by it. I spent too many years working high-stress-jobs, and it’s just frustrating to feel like I need to get another job, to help support my family. I know that I’m not the only one feeling the stress, friends have shared similar experiences.

On top of this, I still have to realize that maybe I try to do too much at times. I was taking a class on Information Technology and I was progressing along, yet I realize that it wasn’t for me. So, I made the decision to continue to perfect the crafts and skills that I already have. I’m a storyteller, and I think I’ve always have been. That’s where I’m putting my full focus into. I’ve been able to share my stuff with several people in the past couple of months, and I’ve had nothing but positive feedback.

Something else that I’ve been struggling with is the fact that I don’t seem to relate to most of my friends anymore. I mean that I love them and we’ve formed bonds that would last a life time, however as I continue on, I feel like I’ve changed so much that it’s hard to relate to those who are/or where close to me. I will always appreciate them, but things just feel different. That’s what happens when shared experiences seems like a distant memory.

I supposed that is something humanly unique about experience; we can share in it, and have a different point of view on it. I’ve noticed that the journey I’ve been on has made me less vicious with my humor, and I feel better about it. I’m not the instigator that I once was, yet I’m still able to see it in my own children. The unfortunate part is that I still witness the bickering and fighting going on with the rest of my imitate family.

As I reflect on the last forty-three-years of my life. I feel that I’ve finally come to the place where I’m finally grown up. I’m facing the harsh realities that time is moving and the thoughts of immortality is a wish long gone. I see it in my parent’s generation as they’ve all finally started to look their age, and the health problems that comes along with people who, could have taken a bit better care of themselves. With this realization of growing up, my perspective on things that matter have changed, the value of life, and self-worth has also come into focus.

An even harsher realization is that I somewhat regret the focuses of my youth, I wish that I would have pursued some of my desires much sooner, and I wish that I would have been more present in life. I spent too many years looking out the eyes and being stuck in the body of a person I didn’t even know. This is the one point that seems to bother me the most. Yet, I’m trying to do better. I wonder how many other’s have this same experience? It’s one of those bitter pills that has to be swallowed down.

As we get older, does the thoughts of the end come more frequent? It’s not something I’m scared of, and it’s not something I’m ready for, but I do think about it. I think about how my children will fair in life, once I’m gone. Will I out live my loved ones? Who will be there in the end? What’s going to happen once I have to deal with the inevitable time where I finally do lose some of those closest to me? Will these intense emotions that I’ve been feeling, get worse?

This is the director and that’s a wrap….

Building A Better Me part 6

Wow, what a ride, and 2017 was a crazy year that I completed school, shot my student film and had my weight loss surgery. This was the point in my life that I finally started to realize that I needed to build a better me, and losing the weight that had trapped me in a body that I didn’t feel was mine was a huge step.

I look back at the time before I lost weight, and I see the pictures of myself. It’s crazy to see that person that lived in that body, it’s like it wasn’t even me. I had years of feeling that I wasn’t in my own body. I felt that I was trapped in someone else’s body. It’s a strange feeling, almost surreal.

I almost wonder if a lot of feeling trapped during that dark period of 2013 was partially caused by this? It’s something I’ll have to contemplate at a later time. So, over the years between 2014-2017 I had found myself making changes, investing in myself for once. There were so many things that I didn’t like about how I was, but I was determined to be better, and one of the biggest things I had to do was stop speaking negatively about others, and even myself. I’ve always had a way with self deprecation and maybe I was doing more damage to myself than I realized.

It’s funny how you can look back and realize that kids being kids, and the words that aren’t supposed to hurt, actually affect you through out your life. Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Remember that? What a crock of shit that turned out to be. My cushion had be the fat and weight that surrounded me, I felt like that was supposed to protect me, but how does that negativity that surround my body, and kept me feeling trapped, actually protect me? How little did I know that the choices that I made would change my outlook in life.

The worst part of the bullying and the words are that that little voice inside my head tends to decide to echo those words to me on a regular basis. This is where my depression and insecurities tend to come from.

I hadn’t touched this blog in a few months. I’m sorry.

The hard part is getting those voices of the childhood bullies out of my head. Even today I still find that I doubt things and often times feel like I need some reassurance that I’m of value. It’s something I’ve been working on, and I think I’m getting the hang of it. Does it ever go away? Does those insecurities ever completely leave us behind? All I know is that I try to be better than what I was. I’m constantly trying to be something better. I think that’s part of the reason I chose to stay busy is because I don’t have to deal with things while doing something else. I honestly wonder if that’s a reason that so many people are so glued to the latest distraction: i.e. newspapers, television, social media, cellphones? Is this the evolution that keeps people from dealing with shit in the real world?

I’ve come to the point where I realize that change is constant, we are always evolving, and I know that people are uncomfortable with change. Maybe that’s part of the secret to the distraction? Not having to deal with change?

I hadn’t touched this for a few more weeks.

I tend to do too much, and with that I’ve been stumped creatively. I wish that it was easy to finish blogging, but there are times that I just can’t seem to find the words… I’m gonna stop this one here as I’ve got something else on my mind. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Building A Better Me part 5

In the last blog, I talked about becoming a father, taking on responsibility, and not being prepared for being a real estate agent. Part of my failure at being an agent was that I was a bit too honest about things and stopped some of my clients from making poor financial decisions. This was another high stress time in my life, and I had other people tell me that I probably would have done better with another broker. I have friends in the business and I’m glad that they could have a career in that field, it’s just not for me.

I also started finding that mindset was something that was the key to success. I just wouldn’t fully realize it until later. Feeling entitled had been a downfall of mine in my younger years, and I was now just trying to support my family. By the time I had gotten to my security job, I was finally making more money than Sarah was, and we started to do better with our lives.

As someone who had never done a thirteen hour day, and the kind of work that security was a difficult task, and by the third day, I was ready to quit. Yet there I was, sticking it out, getting sunburned, watching the sunrise, and set all while doing my job. Thirteen years in that environment and I made some of the best connections ever while there.

Once I got used to the job, the pacing wasn’t so bad. There were good people I had to deal with, and then some of those who are just miserable as it is. Yet for the first time, I had a “real job” and Sarah and my life was working towards something better. It would be about a year into the job that life would take an unexpected turn.

Sarah, who had been making decent money had lost her job, and my thirteen-hour-work-days had gotten reduced to ten-hour-days. We had taken a loss of two-thirds our income at the time. We had to make some decisions, and then we would find a way to make things work. While the loss of pay was bad, I will admit that the reduced schedule made life a bit easier to manage, and not feel like I was wasting a full-day at work.

Between the loss in pay, a major shift in protocol at work, Sarah and the kids fighting, and the fact that the new procedures were making customers, a bit more than unhappy; it became over whelming, and I had a break down a few years after this started.

2013 was the year that everything came to a head, I had been miserable, and I felt that I didn’t deserve better, I wanted to run away and hit the reset button. I had almost taken my life. So how does this apply to building a better me? If you’ve been following me for sometime, then this story is already familiar to you, and I don’t really want to get back into that struggle, just for the sake of telling it. So, I’m going to tell you why this is important.

In order to improve myself, I had to stop letting ego get in the way. I had to have that break down, reassess things, and figure out where I wanted to be in life.Symbolic to tearing down a building, and building something bigger, stronger. This is the way of the world. There are many who would share that their darkest hours where what forged a better tomorrow, just look up articles, look up Youtube videos. It’s really a common story. It’s that rough point that helps cement the foundation for something bigger.

2013 wasn’t the year I was ready for that, in fact, I wouldn’t be ready for that for a few more years. However, this was the start of the tear down, even before I knew it. I felt that I had made changes between the years of 2011-2013. They weren’t the easiest as I’ve already stated, but it was for sure some of the best for realizing that I needed help.

When I had started the CK Project in 2011, it was about holding myself accountable for weight loss and hoping that it would inspire people. I had made many friends while in Weight Watchers, but depression took me out of it. The plus side was that my brand had started a fan base. That fan base stuck by me even as things morphed into something else. It just took a few years before the CK Project became about mental health and my struggles with it.

There was the rebuilding of the foundation, in telling my struggles, it helped me sort out my feelings and I had found that other people that I had known had suffered similar issues as well. My first blogs had been on Facebook and it was in 2015, that I had converted over to an official blog site when things really started taking off. It’s funny as I’ve gone back to those first years and realize that blogging was also an exercise to help me improve my writing. I remember that I wanted to do at least 500-words-per-blog, only to find myself struggling to come up with more than 200-words.

At that time I thought that this was going to be the hardest thing to do. As the years went on though, I found that it had become easier to write, and while I write in a casual, conversational stye, it’s also helped me to improve my script writing, which is a different style all together. It was at this time that I started to realize that I could serve more than one purpose when doing things, blogging was just a way to improve upon my creative writing skills.

I guess as I look back, as I was starting to find the momentum to improve myself in 2015, 2017 was the time that things really started to take off. I had gotten so clumsy in my weight gain that I had lost all my balance and I would fall everywhere. This was that moment I needed to realize that I was ready to get my act together. I just needed to figure out how.

Well, that’s about it for this blog(which has taken a few weeks to write), so stay tuned as I go into getting into the gastric sleeve surgery and how my weight loss journey really took off. I’ll get into where my mindset had changed even more, and how that seemed to inspire even more people. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Covid-19 Up in This Mother

I avoided it like a quick reacting ninja for the last two years, as it was closer than expected at my last job, but now as we hit close to the third year of this pandemic, my wife had tested positive with Covid-19. So we’ve a family full of sick people, myself being one, but my test came out negative.

Note that I started this a few days ago, and I ended up being sick for a bit of time.

Sarah had been sick for a few days even before we got tested. She was laid out bad, and I know with there immune compromised system, that she takes most illnesses harder than many people that I know. It seems that it takes twice as long to get over as well. So, with her, Lily and, myself on the quarantine route, I had found myself coming down with something not even a day later.

I hate being cooped up. That’s something I’ve hated ever since I went into my weight loss journey. That, and the fact that I’ve taken a break from being overly invested in doing martial arts at the gym, I’m feeling a bit disappointed with myself because I miss being active and I need to get back into training. Especially now that I’m almost ready for my Yoga cert.

Sometimes, that break, and the reflection in life is required to get that focus back in, so that one can continue on the path of success. This pandemic has been a mixed bag since the beginning. It started out that it didn’t completely affect me too bad as I was already on the night shift as it was. So, beside seeing fewer people during my shift, I was able to focus on paying down some debts, and it helped to keep things in a positive perspective.

The hard part was watching helplessly as people that I know were passing from this disease, just to hear that it was just a “flu”. When it gets said like that, I feel a tinge of arrogance with those words. Even if it’s not meant that way. It bugs me, and this was before people I actually cared about. Most people I’ve observed say that hadn’t seemed to have lost anybody to it, or someone of a significant impact on their lives.

The biggest issue with this is the fact that it seems to me, that opinions are coming from a political point of view. The fact about the vaccine doesn’t even seem to be the issue. It’s from the point of view that it’s being forced on people, and in turn invading their rights. With that being said, I got the vaccine long before they decided to make it mandatory. It was a choice that I made to help protect my family, and if something evil or wicked comes from this choice, I’ve made my piece with it.

Note that since the second section, I did get retested:

As I was getting ready to go back to work, and having the symptoms that I did, I decided that I would get another test, and get my doctor’s not to go back to work. It was going to be smooth, and easy. I got the news on Dec. 14th, that I had a positive test result. So, I’m off work until after Christmas, it’s gonna hurt a bit, but we’ll survive, that’s something I’ve always been known for, as survivor. I just have to be creative with a few things. Overall, I feel much better than I did, and I hope that it was the vaccine, and the fact that I’m in relatively good health that helped me through this. With that, an illness has gone through this house, whether it was a bug, or Covid, the whole household has ended up sick.

I spent most of the this time in lock down either playing Stardew Valley, or watching movies. I just finished my last quiz for yoga, and started to take the test. I figure that I’ll get back to that in a while, so I’m gonna finish writing this blog, and start going over some of my scripts and giving them the polish that need so that I can get back to writing the rest of the stories. I’m gonna start working out again, as I’m giving myself the time to actually stop being lazy and set myself up a workout, and training regiment. I feel that I’ve waisted enough time, and while I was looking to get back to work, I’m gonna plan on getting back out there and kicking ass.

With that being said, I feel that I’m going to cut this blog a little short and get back to doing other things. This is the director and that’s a wrap.


I’ve been sitting on this topic for a little bit, and I was trying to figure things out. How am I to continue this? That’s one of those things that had been lingering for a long time. I find my mode of thought, and my life style has been thrown into a different perspective this year.

It’s not bad, I mean new job, mentally I’ve been good, physically I’m going alright. I just find that my motivation has been kind of hampered.

Here’s the real question, what happens when you reach the goals for your motivation? I was lost and I wanted to better my professional situation, which in turn bettered other aspects and focuses in my life. What’s next? I remember that I had a job that kept me active most of the day. I’m in a different kind of job, that isn’t as active physically as it was. I find that as I went into this job, that I ended up getting busy with other things, and I ended up not having enough time to finish all the things that I wanted.

This is where I’m at: burned out on several levels because I was apparently doing too much, and I would find myself, just not accomplishing anything but video games, or watching television. This is where I got stuck. I need to take a bit more time in my day and focus on the stuff I’m truly passionate about.

So with that, I’ve stepped away from coaching, and the martial arts training for now. I love the kids, and teaching is something that I do love, but again, I was getting burned out because I wasn’t able to be creative enough. That’s one of those issues being a creative individual, creation is key to life. It’s hard to explain if you’ve not been there.

I also loved the martial arts training that I was doing and I will be back at it, but my other focus has become that I want to become a better personal trainer, and again feeling the burn out wasn’t allowing me to be as productive as I wanted.

So, I’ve been on break for a couple of weeks now, so what has that done? Well, I finished the a working script for one project I hope to get into production before the end of the year. I’m almost half-way finished with my first full script for my feature film that I’ve been working on for the last five years. I’m also have way through getting my yoga cert. Plus, I’ve gained a couple more personal training clients that’s given me a new kind of challenge.

With my life going at full speed as it has been, I’ve not done a lot with blogging, and I think being busy has kept my mind off of the subjects that I’ve needed to talk about. I miss podcasting and that is also something that I feel that I need to get back into. So now, I’m trying to find a new balance, and motivation to continue to get things back in order.

Let’s also face facts that the last year-and-a-half has put a different set of challenges on everyone’s plates with Covid-19 being a major factor with holding life back. Yet, this has been the year of change, people seem more bitter and mean, and politics are in the forefront of life. It’s scary, and I come from jobs that have shown just how people feel about others. Now it seems more intolerant. Now opinions are no longer respected, and it leads to violence. Did that year of solitude ruin the way people act towards each other? Did we forget how to get along?

It’s truly something to ponder as I look at friends, and people that I get along with, just to see how life has been affecting them. I’ve been surprised by the way some of them have responded to current events and the situations going on. This is why I turned my personal social media into something that promotes my brands. To be honest, I’m finding myself on certain sites a whole lot less these days.

Something I’ve found motivation in though, is that I’m reaching out to people that I find important to me. I know over the last several months, I’ve had friend’s lose loved ones to health reasons. I lost a friend, whom we’d grown apart, to Covid related complications a few week ago.

I’m going to note that this has been two weeks since I started this blog. You know life gets in the way.

So, as I’ve been trying to give myself some time to sort everything up, Covid has hit my family, and we’re all sick together. To me it feels like a head cold and I’ve just been being lazy over this weekend playing video games. I’ve had this headache off and on for the last few days, and it all started with a slight tickle in my throat. With that a bit of that difficulty breathing, like when you get a cold. I think the only problem as we got tested on Friday, I came up negative, but things just seemed to get more intense. I think that I’m okay, and as I laid down last night, I was doing some Ujjayi Pranayama, or as some might know it as yoga breathing. I’ve been studying it for the last month along with the rest of the yoga practices, and I’m not sure if that’s what’s been helping me breath, or if at best hope, I just have a head cold.

It’s funny where my motivation has taken me, and I find that yoga is complex, and I want to master it, because of the health and spiritual benefits that it seems to bring. I’ve also heard that it’s good to go with people who train in martial arts. So, we’ve see where this journey takes me. I’m going to cut this short, because I’m not in my best state for real concentration at the moment, but as always this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Bright Side of Life

It’s strange that as I sit here, I find that when I started blogging about seven years ago, I was looking for answers. I was lost, and I was in a dark place. I hated myself, I hated the way negative energies around me had caused me to hate myself even more. I hated that I couldn’t escape that same energy in every aspect of my life.

The fact that I had been dealing with depression for my whole life and not knowing how to handle it was at a time that I needed help. I wasn’t sure where to go, and I didn’t know where to go. As things happened at work, I was forced into a situation that got me the help I needed. I just wasn’t ready for that shift that was going to start happening just a little time later.

I spent the next year shutting everything out, trying not to deal with life. I would play video games all day. I would stay shut off in the bedroom, not dealing with my family, because I still wasn’t comfortable with “dealing” with the issues at hand.

I had gotten news about work and that’s when I realized that I needed to start preparing for a possible different future. At that time, LA Film School was just starting to offer an online degree, and I had wanted to take steps to go to film school for several years before. I finally took that chance on my own self in a way I’d never thought of before.

It was a bit after this time that I had decided to start blogging, and talking about my feelings and the struggles that I had been dealing with my whole life. I found that it got easier as I expressed myself through the written word. I had people private message me and talk about their thoughts on it as well. I was finding a positive energy through helping others, and it gave me a different purpose in life.

Maybe it was the fact that it stroke my ego a bit, or maybe I felt so much better by helping others. It gave me a reason to keep going. Blogging also helped me become a much better writer. The story gets better from here, I promise.

So, I had issues as my job, and it was the negativity that came out of it. Co-workers, supervisors, politics, those things that can either make or break the experience of work. As I look back at it now, I come to think that it’s just that it wasn’t the job that satisfied my needs as a creative individual.

About three years after I graduated from film school, I found myself an opportunity to finally get something in the field that I wanted. While it wasn’t making movies, it was something that I would be able to do, while using my creative mind, and find satisfaction. I work in archives, and I love the fact that I get to work with Photoshop all day. I do miss the activeness that I had working security, but I don’t miss dealing with the weather, and the rude people. I’m in a position that I have people that I work with and work for, who show that they appreciate me as a worker and as an individual.

I decided to work on getting my personal trainers certificate, so that I could give the CK Project a bit more to what I had been doing with the weight loss, and it’s taught me things that I continue to improve on. Teaching wrestling and working in other martial arts has been a wonderful experience as well. It’s opened up a whole new avenue of relationships that I wasn’t expecting.

I find it harder to find the things I struggle with, I mean there are things that I’m still dealing with, but those things I’m not ready to discuss just yet, and I may never, due to what it’s about. I’ve always been upfront with my audience, and this is way too deep for me to talk about, maybe someday though.

So, let’s look at the brighter side of life for a minute. Physically I’m in about the best condition that I’ve ever been. I got job satisfaction, that also may lead towards other, and bigger things. I’m not nearly as depressed as I was, because of my physical condition and job satisfaction.

I like blogging, but my life seems to keep me busy and after a stressful time getting my Sports Nutrition Cert, I’ve been at a better place. I’m currently working on yoga as the next thing, and I’m finally writing scripts again. Life is good.

The next thing is, where do we go from here?I feel that this is a market that people still like the info from. I started out with my mental health, then went to weight loss, and then went to mental health and weight loss together. So where do I evolve this from here. Maybe I start giving so research and start blogging about other sciences for getting through the mental and physical journey? Maybe a discussion on what martial arts is showing me, and the chi that’s involved? I’m interested in keeping this going, I just find it hard to pick things out of the air on what’s bothering me anymore.

That could be the lesson from this blog: Patience and hard work is what is needed to get passed the rough times. I used these tools to cope with a world that I wasn’t happy with, and in turn it helped others, but I worked hard to get to where I am, and I’m taking a relaxed pace with things, because I’m still busting my ass off at work, I’m just a bit happier with what I’m doing.

We all have tools at our disposal, and self-reflection is a powerful one. I’m still seeing where I am now, and am constantly learning more on who I was and how I feel about how things have gone. Learning what’s caused my issues is an eye opener. Knowing what I did some of the things I’ve done, has taught me to be a better person.

It’s been awhile, and I’m going to figure out how to evolve this blog, because I still love y’all. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Achieve the Balance

It’s been months since I’ve blogged, and it’s crazy how things have been going for me. My life has gotten so much busier that if I was too stop everything, I think my head would explode. My personal training certificate has been a nice bonus to add a little income to my brands, and being a youth wrestling coach on top of that has been a blast. I’ve enjoyed watching the kids improve their skills as I’ve been able to partake on their journey. I’ve also been able to make friends with my fellow coaches that’s helped to provide a better work relationship to boot.

I spend several hours a day at the gym, either coaching, or learning. I’ve gotten into the martial arts of Jeet Kune Do, started learning grappling to help with my coaching in wrestling, Brazilian Jujitsu, and Kick Boxing. I find these to be a challenge and fun. I never thought in my life that I would be a martial arts junkie, yet here I am. One style that caught me off-guard was Tai Chi. I know that it’s often thought of as the old person’s martial art, but let me tell you that I’ve had the most insane experience with it.

Sam had me try it for something a bit different. I slowed down weight training to try a few new things, and on the particular day that I tried it for the first time, it caught me in my emotions. As hard as I have strived over the years for improving myself, there are still aspects of my life that I realize are unbalanced, and the movements and energy just brought everything up to the surface. I find myself needing more structure and discipline. I need focus, which is something I thought I had, but apparently I don’t.

I’ve been struggling with getting my next certificate in personal training because I’ve lost focus. I don’t want to say that I’ve ben depressed, because it doesn’t feel like it normally does, but I will say that my mind is easily distracted lately. Maybe I’m doing do much? Maybe with everything going on in life, uncontrolled events, I just lost the drive to do things.

That’s something that I should address, my stepmother, the lady who raised me, had spent time in a hospital earlier this month because she fell and hit her head again. To be honest, I thought that I was going to have to say goodbye to her. She was in scary bad shape, and it was hard to see her like that. Something that makes it harder is the news that it seems that she’s in the first stages of dementia, and that isn’t easy to deal with.

I’ve come to realize that I’m at an age where mortality is becoming very real, and watching my parents health decline has been an uncomfortable situation for me. I’ve mentioned when the age that I was going to start expecting my parents to pass, that sad part is that the time frame I had predicted has started to really come into view.

So with these events going on in my life, I’ve been struggling for my Sports Nutrition certification. I’ve been working on the last couple of questions that have involved a case study, and honestly I feel done. I didn’t even get to finish the study. I want my cert, but I think that everything is finally hitting me. I guess that’s where my depression is at right now. I’m going to get through it, and I just have that feeling of giving up and crawling under a rock for a while. It sucks, but again, I know that I’ll get through this.

On a plus side, I’ve got plans for my next cert, as I’m going to be learning Yoga to add to the services that I already provide my clients, and I might start teaching a class at some point. As for what the end goal is, I do have a plan, just Yoga kind of fell in my lap. I’m thinking that this will be a great way to get my stretching in. I’ll be the first to admit that I could stretch more than I do.

I also have to mention with all the mixed emotions and turn of events in my life, I’ve been doing the Media Specialist job for seven months now. Outside of working on movies, this has been the best job I’ve ever had. I like my boss, and I like my supervisor. The cool part is that I’m appreciated, and I’m able to help teach them somethings as well. This is a job that allows me to use my artistic mind on the things that I do.

Another positive is that Sarah’s Crohn’s Disease hasn’t seemed to gotten worse, and her arm has better range. I’ve been able to watch her and Christopher II learn and practice Jeet Kune Do as something to help them out as well. I think it’s helped Sarah with her range of motion. I think it’s going to help Christopher with his coordination, as he really like the teacher of the class. As a side note, that teacher has said that he’s learned from my coaching to take a bit more time with one of the people, since I tend to work more with the smaller children during wrestling practice.

With everything that’s been going on, there are times that I do feel that I should quit coaching and being a personal trainer. It’s not that I’m not good at either, it’s just I’ve realized lately that I’m feeling burned out. Sarah says that she recognizes it because I tend to do that, spread myself too thin. Yet, I always feel that I can handle it, even though I should know better.

One of those realizations that I’ve had was that I’ve been pushing off being creative, telling myself that I’ll do it as soon as I’m done with the subject at hand. It never seems to come though, and I really need to get back to work, because that’s where my passion is in life. Creating and making movies, shorts, and other content. It was easier at the other job, when I had time to sit down and write while off on some remote place, doing my job. The Media Specialist is a great job, it’s just surprising how busy it keeps me, and that is something that I love about my job. Plus I do feel appreciated and it doesn’t go unnoticed, like I’ve mentioned before.

So, I find myself trying to figure out what it is I’m going to do. Do I keep going on the path I’m currently on, or do I finally take a step back to be creative, because it doesn’t seem like I have much time to do both? I’m sure that this is where I am currently and that things will work out, because I’ve got so much going on in my head right now. Plus there’s the fact that Pennsylvania is calling to me, because my maternal mother’s memorial is coming up the first weekend in October, and I feel that I should be there for that. I do miss my nieces that it would be great to spend a little time with them.

As I reflect, and find balance in life, I’m sure the answers will happen. People say that it’s happens in His time, and I’m not against that idea. Maybe the fates have other ideas for me? I think I need to meditate further for reflection. Thanks for taking a bit of time out of your day to remember that I’m still around, and that I do try to get to the blogging, but the past year and a half has been crazy. This is the Director and that’s a wrap.