Default: Overwhelmed

Over the last several years, I’ve done a huge amount of things to help myself become a better version of the person I was. I’ve grown, learned, and gained so much more in experiences that I could ever really express. I’ve got so much that I want to do, which has been stated in blogs, podcasts, and social media posts. Here’s the issue I keep running into-I get overwhelmed. This is becoming a problem at times, because I don’t get things done because I am getting overwhelmed.

It might be the fact that I seem to have poor time management, or it might be the fact that I’m still trying to find balance in more aspects of life. I’m not sure, but I do seem to keep busy most of the week. First I work for nine hours a day, that includes an one hour lunch. A few of those days, I’m trying to squeeze in a personal training session just so that it can help open up my evening after I get done with my day.

I get home after four in the afternoon, just so I might be able to eat before I go down to the gym and open up for youth wrestling at five o’clock. Practice runs until six-thirty, and I do this for three-days-a-week. Then I go home and take care of relaxing, while trying to also get writing, or studying in before nine or ten at night. Then I shower, and relax for bed. I guess that is a bit busy? It just seems like I don’t have enough time to actually just relax, even my weekends are busy doing things. It’s more fun sure, and it’s not like I’m not enjoying the other aspects in life, I’m just trying to focus and get things done. That overwhelming feeling I get just throws me off my game, and I feel like I revert back into playing video games or watching movies. While it’s not horrible that my life is going this way, I do like writing and I can’t wait to get filming something. I just feel that I want to get so much done, and not all of it is going the way I was expecting.

I apologize for the bitch fest, I’ve just felt overwhelmed and I want to get that focus back. I also spend most of my weekend committed to family and friends, and I have no regrets for how I spend my weekend, I just realize that my last job seemed to be easier to work around, but then I wasn’t doing nearly as much as I’m seemingly doing now.

How do you feel time should be managed? Do you ignore some things, so that you can enjoy others? Being a writer, content creator, trying to manage my physical health, mental health, my relationships with friends and family, it just sometimes seems like it might just be too be a lot.

My ten-thousand-step life has gone down hill meeting the goals, and I try to compensate by playing Just Dance to help get steps up. It works, just pushes my night to go longer, then I”m looking to possibly assist another class on Tuesdays, and Thursdays, which will also keep my evening busy. I think I’ll have to schedule my podcasting to a set time, and do each on opposite weekends. That does sound like a plan.

I must not forget about keeping up with the social media posts, keeping positive, and helping others. What are some of the things that keep you busy? Do you have any tips for not getting overwhelmed?

I remember telling my sister that I kept busy so that I didn’t have time to get negative thoughts in my head. She told me that being busy was good, but it wasn’t helping me deal with the issues at hand. I actually think that she was right. I notice a bad habit is that when things get too much, I tend to procrastinate and shut down at times. I’ve gotten better, but I know that I need to still address some of those issues that I deal with.

Too that, I do have things that I’m absolutely thankful for. One is that I have a job that I love. I’ve had jobs that I’ve enjoyed in the past. I’ve had those that I’ve found something about the job itself to keep me going, and I’ve also had jobs I couldn’t stand. This job however keeps me engaged, and my day seems to go by quickly, for most of the days. The wrestling part, is fun, I enjoy teaching and guiding the kids to learn and grow as people. Twelve hours in my day tends to go by fairly quick, and if it’s a day that I do work out, then I’m usually ready for be around nine-or-ten-at-night. It actually makes me feel old too, and it’s always a night of solid sleep.

I’m hoping to be able to find some time during my week to get out the content, such as a podcast, on my last night of work. I’ve got a team working on other things for me, yet they all have lives, and some have medical issues. I know that what I’m doing now will pay off, but again, I feel overwhelmed at times. Do you know what the worst part of getting overwhelmed is? My answer is that I shut down and don’t do anything constructive, except play video games.

As much as I’ve been a gamer, I realized some time ago that it’s just a distraction from the rest of the world. Worst part is there are times that I find it to just waste time. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with video games, as they are entertainment, just like movies and television, but again, I feel that I could and should be doing something more constructive with my time. I guess that is part of my growth. I mean I go to film school because I love television and movies, and I seem to hardly give at least the television much of my time. Even Youtube is all about me watching tutorials on becoming a better filmmaker, or some health/wellness things. It might involve a few other things as well though.

On a bright note, I woke up Monday morning, got ready for work and actually had a fairly productive day with work, coaching, and a few errands. Some days it actually does amaze me to realize how busy I get. I’m sure that whatever I’ve been feeling, it will eventually balance itself out. Maybe, I’m just being impatient with trying to adjust to everything? Life is overall running smooth, I just wish that I was getting more done in my day, but then I would lose sleep, and after thirteen years of a shitty sleep schedule, I’m actually getting a decent amount of sleep during my work week, and I think that’s great.

Speaking of sleep, it’s an essential part of life running smoothly. It helps with weight, and functioning well. I used to feel weird when I had anything more then four or five hours sleep. Now that I’m getting six-to-six-and-a-half-hours of sleep, I don’t feel so strange. I can’t even believe that I’ve been at my new job for a month-and-a-half now. The crazy part is that my days go by so much faster than I was expecting, and I enjoy being able to use my creative eye with my job. I feel that it will help me become better with filmmaking as well. After all, I always try to do things that serve more than one purpose.

Before we wrap things up, let’s revisit a few things. What happens to you when you get overwhelmed? Do you find ways to overcome that feeling? What tactics do you find useful? Do you feel that fear can be a motivator for being overwhelmed? Please feel free to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com and share your thoughts, or you could leave your comments here on WordPress, and it would help spark a conversation that I’d love to have on this forum.

Remember that you’re not alone in the struggle, there are those who will listen, me being just one of those people. There are also professionals out there to teach you how to cope with whatever might be troubling you. If you need professional help, contact me and I’m sure that I can get you pointed in the right direction, as I’m friends with professionals, and I have people that can help guide you to the appropriate help that is required.

With that being said, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

The Three Link Circle and What Motivates You?

I heard a saying throughout my life, that always talked about the mind, body, and spirit. The three are linked and it’s amazing how much it truly is linked. I think it was more prominent when I lost all the weight originally and started to feel the body and my mind really feel a bit more in sync. Yet, I’ve not been feeling in sync much lately. I’m trying to be motivated, but things have been a bit rough lately.

With that being said, I love my job, but I think that I’ve been hiding behind that as an excuse for why I’ve not been working out regularly. I know that most aspects of my life are good, I just find that I’m not as motivated as I could be. I saw that guy, and I know who he is, I just can’t seem to hold up those expectations that I once had. Again, I know that it’s an excuse. I’m sure most people can relate, right? I’m sure that if I keep fighting, I’ll find it again, after all I do have the means and the knowledge to get there.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve gained a little weight from the pandemic, and lack of motivation, but my body hasn’t been feeling right, and I also know that I’m starting to find that pace I need to get back on track, which I know is contradictory to what I stated, however, I know it’s there, I just need to say fuck it and go for it. I won’t lie, I’ve been overwhelmed about things in life. I’ve got all these things that I want to do, but being overly ambitious isn’t always the best thing to be. It can lead to mental fatigue. I bet you’re thinking, “Wait a minute Chris, I thought you had your shit together?” I only wish that was true. I’m sure that this is just a phase and I’ll get through it, I’m just finding that it’s been hard to get back into the groove of things. Even with things going so much better than I had planned.

Again, it feels like I’m making an excuse, because I really do want to be that beacon that I once was. So I guess that physically I’m not in sync with the mental part of me. I just need to actually switch my mindset. I hadn’t realized that I would be so busy with work, and maybe that’s what I’m trying to get used too. My last job, gave me certain freedoms that kept me able to concentrate on other things. Now, I’m just trying to figure out what I need to do to take my breaks and do a bit of activity. I’ve been able to move boxes around, and honestly, I’m able to get about two-miles in my little building during the day, including a bit of walking before and during lunch.

That’s it, I just need to finish finding that rhythm and go for it. I’m already feeling better, by talking it out here on this blog. However the question still hasn’t been asked, or stated anywhere; what’s your motivation? What is it that drives you to do better? Not being the person that I used to be is probably the biggest motivator for me. I’m finding that I’m having to tweak different, small aspects of what I’ve been doing to find the right path. Maybe I need to find something in the middle of my day to help get back on track. As a matter of fact, I’m gonna try to do my workout during my lunch to help get things back on the right path. My job has been very physically demanding with what we’ve been currently working on.

What about the spiritual path, where does that healthy aspect of life fall in line? Some find going to church and having fellowship is what helps to refresh and renew the relationship with the deity that they choose to worship. Some, find that working out in the gym is their path to the spiritual realm. For me, it’s when I go for my 10,000 step walk, on a “mostly” regularly basis. I’ve fallen a bit flat with that, but again, I’m adjusting, which I did say feels like an excuse, but I’m finding that adjusting to the new life change has really put me into something of a surprising nature with finding out how much the work has put a demand on me. I do love it though, because it’s a fulfilling job, for my energies and mentally. I love the positive atmosphere.

Things are also just seeming to fall in place for other aspects in life. The only part that I don’t have much change for the better is Sarah and her Crohn’s. That’s frustrating and leaves me feeling for her as there’s not really much that I can do for her. I can only say and do so much, but I do care, and I know that she knows that. Again, there’s only so much that I can do.

I’m taking some other movements that hopefully help get and get the brands going in a better way. Sarah has been working on prototypes for merchandise, and I’m glad that she can things to do that won’t irritate her arm, and gives her something that helps her feel useful. I believe that she even said that she was finding it “fun and exciting”.

Circling around to that link, between the three aspects in life that are most important for the self-well being: physically, mentally, spiritually. It’s like links in a chain, it’s only as strong as its weakest. I know that it sounds cliché, but there’s reasons that they fit so appropriately. I gained a bit of weight, and I feel it. It’s thrown my balance in those links off. Mentally, because my physical link is off, is also off. For my spirit, it’s always battling with itself, yet I will endure.

My critique is this; I felt that this blog might have gone a bit all over the place. I’ve been working on it off and on for the last week, and quite frankly, I’m glad that I am starting to get a rhythm going with this life change that I’ve been handed. It’s all about building a better version of myself, and career wise counts just as much as physically, mentally, and spiritually. They all are linked, and a good career, can help to enhance all of those things. Getting away from toxic environments helps with these things. Getting away from negative influences helps with these things.

I think that the next thing I really need to work on is time management, it feels like I’ve got so much to do, or at least what I want to do. I find that it gets overwhelming at times, and I wish that I could get more done everyday. It’s a job to keep working on the physical health, mental health, and spiritual health. The goals I have are going to be obtained, it’s just a matter of hard work and focus. Most people don’t see, or don’t get the kind of work that goes into success. There are memes that talk about the iceberg of success, and I know that if I keep going I will get there. Though curve balls tend to get in the way from time to time.

So, where have you been on your path? Do you know what direction that your life is going? Do you wanna talk about it? You can always feel free to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com. I really want to hear from you. I want to start a conversation that would be mutually enriching for the both of us. Remember too like, subscribe, and please share the blogs. There may be someone you know that might find some inspiration in the words that I write. I’ve been fortunate to have people tell me that they’re glad that I have the “bravery” to share my story. I appreciate all the love and support that I’ve been shown through the years. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Live in the Present

I was surfing through Youtube the other day, and something about it just stuck with me. He said living in the past causes depression and that looking to the future causes anxiety. Mind you that this video was about the lost testaments of Jesus, and my love of theology and mythology gets my curiosity from time to time so I watched. It talked about living in the present, and as I went out for my walk after watching the video, that kept going through my head.

I’ve been doing a lot of watching Youtube, trying to pick up new things and learning to brush up and learn new techniques in filmmaking. Yet, something about that video caused me to think profoundly about that idea about living in the present. Depression being linked to the past for some reason hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I hate having to admit that I’ve dwelt on the past for too long most of my life, but putting something like this in a new perspective has really put me in a reflective mood. There’s things that I hate about my past, as well as things that I love. It’s interesting to think about, isn’t it?

I also got into thinking about how anxiety was applied to my life. I remember that I would get anxious when I would start thinking about going to work after the weekend was over. Anxiety is future, depression is past, and it’s crazy how it just seems to make sense to me. With that being said, I’ve been trying to live more in the present since watching that video, and I can honestly say that I seem happier with myself. It could be that I’ve found a new job, and that a new adventure is underway as well. Who knows?

To say that things don’t bother me while living in the present wouldn’t be truthful, there are things going on in my life that are a bit out of my control, however I just try to keep that positive mindset and keep trucking along. I think with any journey that gets undertaken, for example, the mental health journey, the weight loss journey, marriage, the key to being successful in anything you do has to be with mindset.

Let’s face it, we’ve all faltered at some point or another, and have made excuses as to why we failed. I find myself doing it, but not nearly as bad as I used to. I find myself trying to keep myself in check and remind myself to keep going on the right path. The weight loss journey hasn’t been easy, and I know that losing the momentum last year is just now starting to be over come.

An example of over coming the loss of the momentum I had is that I’m pushing myself harder, and I’m finding myself getting into a situation that will keep me motivated. I’ll also admit that I constantly have to remind myself that I don’t want to end up in the spot I had been four years ago. Living uncomfortable in you body has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world. You start to question how you got there, and why do I feel a certain way? I know that I’ve talked about the fact that when I was out of control and at my heaviest, that it constantly felt like an out of body experience. When I looked in the mirror it was like looking at a stranger.

I know that it’s a repeat of things I’ve said before. The fact remains that blogging had been the most therapeutic thing that I could have ever decide to do. It also helped me work on a skill that has made me a better writer for other aspects in my life. I feel like an example of that it’s never too late to get your act together and live your best life. I just wish that I wouldn’t have been as scared when I was younger, I wonder where I would have been had I gone to film school much sooner. Would I have wanted to be my own creator in the business? Would I have made something more of myself in the industry? Would I have all the amazing people in my life today that I do?

I believe that we are all on the path that we’re meant to be on in life. That’s why living in the present is so important, while I could go on with the what ifs, I’m happy where I’m at now. I have an amazing group of people who chose to share in my dream of creating content. It’s made me a better person, and it’s made them better people. I’ve been able to help give people a lift and feel better about themselves. I know that things happen in the time they’re supposed to.

I’m not that same person I was in 2005 when I saw Sin City(2005), there was a shit ton of baggage that I wasn’t even aware of at the time, guiding my decisions. I had not matured to the point that I needed to have the drive or the focus that I’ve been developing the last several years. It took me to be in my thirties before I even got the clue that I needed help, and I needed something more to find myself. Self improvement isn’t easy. Looking at one’s own faults is the hardest thing to do.

Too many times do I see that people want to put the blame somewhere else than themselves. Too many times I see how people can be hypocritical about life. We see the double standard that seems to run society. It is disgusting, and shameful. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. I’ve told my children to, “do as I say, not as I do.” I realize that it’s not effective parenting in the least.

We all need to start living more in the present. There might be something to that. Maybe people won’t struggle so much with past mistakes. Maybe we wouldn’t be so hung up on regrets? As a person who’s had the gastric sleeve done, I paid attention to the support groups, and I’ve seen people come up with regret. Some because they thought it was just going to be the easy way out. Some don’t like the way they look with all that saggy skin. It’s hard to see people struggle with these issues. At least they’ve given themselves a fighting chance to live longer, and more fulfilling lives. I guess not everyone can see that.

Which brings me back to the point of mindset. We think, we believe, and we can achieve. Positive mindsets, breed positive attitudes. I’ve been around some people who are so salty that that can’t seem to find positivity in anything. Unfortunately negative energies are easy to influence people around them. I remember being in a bad mood, just because someone was just negative about everything. That sad part is that it wasn’t that long ago that I was feeling that way most days. This is coming from someone who’s made a habit out of finding the silver lining in most situations. Covid-19? Stay-at-home-orders? Yeah, I said it was just a good opportunity to pay off some bills. I know that it’s not been like that for everyone, and that there’s been many who’ve had to stay home because of this. I think the best way to have dealt with it was that maybe getting those honey-do-lists done, or maybe pick up a new skill? Could work on that hobby that had been nagging in someone’s mind for sometime.

Now, I’m stepping away from the blog for a moment to ask you, the reader, a few questions. I’ve been doing this for the good part of five years now, and I want to know what it is that you like about my blogs? What do you hate? Do you think that I’m full of shit? How can I make it better? I want more interaction because I’ve had people tell me that they read, and that they follow the things I do. If this is your first time checking out the CK Project blog, give me a subscribe and become part of a bigger conversation.

With that being said, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

When It’s Out of Your Control

Ten-percent, is the things that happens that’s out of your control. ninety-percent is how you react to it. This is something that I’ve mentioned several times over in the previous blogs in the past. With that, I’ve been pretty good about navigating life that way. It tends to work, and help keep the mindset in a good view on life. However, what happens when that ten-percent starts to push the bounds of comfortability?

Frustration has been something that has been going on with me for the last week or so. Is it because I’m having to depend on communications and technology from various areas, that aren’t immediately within my grasp. Anxiety of depending on things that I can’t control has been something I’ve really been feeling the last few days. I’ve also said before that technology can be great, yet there are times that I absolutely loathe society’s dependence on it. I think it’s funny because technology has made filmmaking even more cost effective than ever before.

I guess that the anxiety comes in because of the unknown. It’s common that people would get anxious during situations of uncertainty. It’s taken my focus and put me off track on things that are important for me. Regret can come from decisions that were made. I’m not trying to go there though, because in the end, I feel that I made the right choice. Though in hindsight I could have been a bit more patient before making the choice I made, yet here I am. I know that things will work out. I just need to take that frustration and anxiety, and turn it into patience.

The pressure is still there, especially when taking on responsibility. I worry about the fact that the choice I made could damper if my family is supported. Now, in the end I’m sure everything is going to be okay, but that unknown still puts me on edge. It just shows that I like to be an adult and take on those responsibilities that come from both being one, and being a parent. I strongly feel that where the anxiety comes in, when feeling like being a failure at either one.

One the bright side of the struggle is that once you get past the point and are guaranteed to make it through, the relief and piece of mind are well worth it in the end. So, what happens to those who don’t get to that point? What about those who fall down on “their luck”? These are often the people we see on the side of the road, holding up the Will work for money signs. What do we do about them? I think this is were things get tricky, because some become dependent on drugs as a way to cope with the hard times in life. There are those who also find it as a way to beat the system and take advantage of people’s good hearts. I’ve been in the situation where I’ve given money to those in need, and I’ve also ignored those who’ve been in need.

I’ve recently been put in that situation, and I’ve lost someone because of how I run my principles in life. I take care of me and mine first. If I’m unsure if they’ll be provided for, then I won’t help others. It may even sound harsher than I’m intending it too, but with the shift going on in my life, I wasn’t sure when the next pay check was coming, and I was told by someone that I didn’t really care about them. That’s the furthest thing from the truth, and it hurt. I just know that I’ve got to think of those I’m responsible for.

Anxiety and frustration are hard to control because life can get complicated. One of the things that I’ve learned is that there’s not always a right or wrong answer, the path isn’t always clear. It’s only the consequences of the decisions that we make. I realize that putting it that way makes it sound bad, but it’s just the end result. By my saying no to someone that I care about, because I’m taking care of my responsibilities, I may have lost that person in my life. I can continue on and do the best I can, hoping that person will understand and come back, or I can let it eat me up.

That’s something that I’ve had a bad habit of doing in my life though. I would let even the littlest of things eat me up. I’ve let too many negative situations and people live rent free in my head for so long. Is this something that’s a common occurrence with others? How do we over come such things? I think the answer is in forgiving, both ourselves and those who’ve hurt us. All any of us can do is try and be the best version of ourselves, and try and make the best decisions that we can. Does it always work? No. Some people tend to have self-destructive natures, and making bad decisions can have a certain appeal. It feels like an adrenaline junkie: Will I get caught? How long can I get this feeling to last.

This also brings up a point that I’ve stated in the past, we are our own worst enemies. I know that when anxiety, or depression come along, that’s when I’m not at my best. I start looking for some sort of validation, and continue to seek it. Strangely enough, usually they will follow each other. I remember times when I was working night shift hours, the anxiety of not being able to keep busy with conversation would start getting me to think about my depression. There would be times that just thinking about the dark places that I’ve been, would give me anxiety. It’s funny that I’ve noticed things in life tend to go in a vicious circle. Maybe there’s more than one reason it’s called the circle of life?

I’m not religious by any means. I consider myself spiritual because I do believe that there is a higher power. I hear my old, boxer friend, Philip in my head when he would tell religion is for those afraid of going to hell, spiritual is for those who’ve already been. Well, I’ve been there, and I think those who deal with some form of mental health issues have been there. PTSD, trauma, depression, addiction, these are all various versions of hell. Sometimes those demon’s win, which results in death. Losing a loved one in these situations is never easy.

Being one who’ve been on the brink of harming myself like that, a bit of an insider view is this: the better alternative isn’t always something that’s thought about. That’s not even an option on the table when going through some of those hard times. Yet, being strong enough to survive, and being able to find the help to deal with the issues can give a better outlook on life. It’s all about the mind, body, and spirit, when they are aligned, things flow better. Working out is a natural version anti-depressant. It helps the mind focus, and for some, it’s like a religion. Just something to think about, when getting into a negative mindset.

Patience is something that has been difficult for me to come by at times. I’ve not had much anxiety in the past few years because of that ninety-percent of how I handled it would be to try and keep positive through things. Do you have any suggestions on handling anxiety? Hit me up at ckproject@zohomail.com. Leave me a message or comment down below, and let’s get this conversation started. Don’t forget to subscribe to get the latest blogs when I write them. All any of us can do is to better ourselves, improve the way we treat each other, and hopefully leave the world a better place than when we got here.

I look forward to hearing from you, and hope that we can build a community and lift each other up. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Remember to Uplift Each Other

Part of the journey that I’ve been on has focused on helping others. This has one of the better aspects of my life. With that, it’s also nice to help uplift a friend when something good has happed. People like praise. People like to know when they’ve done a good job. While the cynic in me has teased a few people for overly trying to get that pat on the back, I understand the desire for recognition. While I’ve teased a friend, or a co-worker, I would say that it was all out of fun. Silently, I’ve been proud of the work that they’ve done. This was an attitude from another mindset.

Joke’s aside, I find myself trying to show how proud I am of people’s accomplishments. This year alone, not only myself, but several friends have seemed to have things go in a better direction. New jobs, new friendships, better choices in life. That’s what makes this year amazing so far, despite the fact that there have been a few instances that has left us questioning how the year’s going to go. Plus, my friends who’ve had Covid-19 have seemed to have taken a turn for the better.

I beam with pride to see the accomplishments of my friends, in particular my teammate. The people who are part of my inner circle, whom have been working with me with the filming part of my life. It’s amazing to see how the group is growing in friendship, support, and success. I find that this helps each with their, and my own mental health. To see how each of us had struggled with some sort of stressor, to find that a new adventure will help take us each on an unexpected journey, is truly a delight, in my opinion. I hope that this success rolls on into the things that we have intertwined together for this year.

I think what’s going to help deal with what’s going on right now in this world, is to do the best for a positive mindset. What about those who’ve lost loved ones to the pandemic? I get not everyone is going to be able to get through this without some rough times. I would never take away the pain that has happened as I’ve lost people to it as well. It’s part of the journey called life, and it’s during these times, that we find ourselves finding out who we are.

It’s training ourselves to think differently. I’ve seen where things look bleak. Hell, I almost took my own life when life looked darkest and I couldn’t seem to find a way out. Yet, we have the potential and power within ourselves to make a difference in the way we experience life. We don’t always have the answers, and I know even with the experiences that I have, I’m finding myself discussing things that I’ve not had to deal with. How can we figure these things out, without the knowledge to get there? I think this is where therapy can help. People far smarter than me, helped to get me learning a new way to think.

I used to watch Saturday Night Live when I was younger. Al Franken used to play this character named Stewart Smily, and he would look in the mirror and say this phrase that he would say at the end of every skit: I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. I know that it was used for satire purposes, and that it was to get a laugh, but there was something there. It sounds crazy, but it works. It’s tricking your brain into believing something.

Self-esteem is often times something most people have little of. So many people are their own harshest critics. I know that I’ve tried to over compensate with having an inflated ego. It wasn’t the best way to handle it, but it was the only way I knew how to overcome anything. Remember when I said that I had been a toxic person? That’s the reason why. It’s hard to navigate through life, when you have no idea what you’re doing, or have no direction.

Which brings another point up: knowledge is power. I know a bit cliché, but it speaks to the messages we would get through our Saturday morning cartoons when I was growing up. NBC had that catch phrase of the more you know, with at little jingle while the wishing star flew across the screen. GI Joe, He-man, a time where it seemed like lessons where just as important then entertainment. Know what your worth is, too many people won’t let you know your true value. It’s fortunate when you can find those who see your value and potential. I’ve been blessed with those that I call to my inner circle, because they know my worth, as I know their’s.

I do fall short at times as I don’t always seem to show my appreciation and adoration for the woman that I call my wife. She does more than anyone could ever know. She’s dealing with chronic illness, healing from a major surgery, helping online schooling two children, one of which isn’t getting the best attention he needs, because of his special needs. On top of that she still finds time to take care of the rest of the family life, and tries to get stuff done for the brands. As I had said before, she truly is the captain that steers this ship. I just happen to be the charismatic mouth piece.

Yet, she’s the example of lifting others up. She just seems to have people not be as supportive towards her, and that’s not on any in this house. Though I will admit that I’ve not always uplifted her as well, this is just something to remind her that I do appreciate her, and the caring uplifting person she is.

It’s really a shame that this world has shown so much ugly, and I always wonder if it’s because there are those who feel that they’ve gotten the short end of the stick? I’ve know, and am related to people who just can’t seem to accept the responsibilities of their own actions. I’ve been there myself, but becoming self aware about these things has brought some peace, and it helps the stress levels. I feel it’s better to put out the positive energies and vibes than not.

This also leads me to have to say that I try not to give up on people, and I’m always optimistic that things will turn around for those who sometimes are toxic. I have those long time friends, whom I can’t seem to give up on. It gets hard to navigate because of their tireless complaining about how bad they have it seems to drain on my positive energy, and it gets tiresome. Even when explaining that they could look at it from a different point of view, it changes their tone for at least the rest of that conversation, yet seems to go back to the same thing every other time. I’ve considered stopping the contact, and I get sad about that idea, since I’ve been friends with some of these people for twenty-plus years.

Maybe that’s where balance comes in for my life as I’ve got those who are amazing and uplifting as well? It sucks when that energy sucking conversation is the normal for every conversation, and it doesn’t feel normal trying to have a normal conversation. I got stuck with some people this way, and I know that we don’t talk as much as we used too. I even had to say that I didn’t have the energy for that specific conversation at the time. We would be able to change the subject, but it felt kind of forced and unnatural.

Side note time: I found myself getting busy during the second half of this blog, because well, life happens. I noticed that I’d lost my train of thought for a bit as live is getting into a new normal for me as I’m about to embark on a new journey with a new job.

I lost some contacts through social media, of co-works, who I considered friends. I’m not mad that I was unfriended, just a bit sad about it. Sometimes I realize that I take things like this too hard. Maybe it has to do with some deep down need of validation? I just have to think that I have the important people in my life for a reason, and those who’ve I’ve had the chance to truly befriend are still in my life for a reason.

Thanks for taking the time and following me on my train of thoughts. Remember to like subscribe, share, spread the word. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Ready, Let’s Go

January 1, 2021- It’s the start of a new year. So, the common theory is that with the start of a new yea, it’s a new start. A new page, a new chapter. Is it really? Can we just ignore the last twelve months, and think everything is better? I have friends and family who think so. Myself? I feel that all it really does is lead to another day, but that’s not to say that a new year doesn’t have its benefits. I feel that the way momentum has been all over the place, I think that things will turn go into a better place, than last year.

For many people, myself included last year was a rough year, mentally more than anything else. People had taken their lives due to being kept inside and away from social situations. I saw a video from New York City, where a person had jumped out of their window. It wasn’t watching the fall that bothered me, it was the sound. It was louder than I thought it would be. The filmmaker in me thought about how good those mics were, but the fact that this pandemic has put so much stress on people is the sad part.

This has tested relationships, more now than probably ever before. People are discovering that they might not like their partners as much as they thought they did. Domestic violence cases had been elevated, and parent’s patience with their children have been tested more than ever. Mentally, people are tired, and feel they need the relief of normalcy. But how does that even look anymore? Is what we’ve known as normal, ever going to go back to the way it was?

For this answer, I’m gonna be real about my feelings on the subject. I don’t think we’ll ever get back to that normal. I’m interested in seeing just what that new normal is. I’m sure that once social distancing isn’t required anymore, we’ll have an abundance of social gatherings, hell, I’m gonna predict another baby boom is going to happen. Things just won’t be the same. That might not be so bad though.

Mentally, I personally am trying to find a more positive focus, as I know that I’ve slipped back into a negative mindset now and again. There’s so much going on and the world hasn’t exactly been a bright spot in life for a bit. Things are out of our control, and to salvage any sanity, I have to worry about those things that I can control. It’s those things that we, as a society, can’t control that makes people frustrated. Is that something valid? The frustration of how others are acting?

I’ve experienced people in charge, not seem to take this pandemic serious. I’ve seen the wealthy, who can help people in need, make poor decisions that only tend to hurt those who are in need. I’ve seen businesses be destroyed, and I’ve also seen people dramatically change their opinions throughout this experience. Best advice I could give? Be smart about the decisions that you make.

The hardest part about this pandemic, is that the longer it goes on, the closer to home it gets. I personally know more people who’ve come down with Covid-19 than I ever would have thought possible. The sad part is, there are many of them who have tried to do their best to prevent themselves from getting it. I’ve also lost people that I’ve known, and ever cared for to this virus. It’s made me question somethings. It’s caused me to want to appreciate those I do have in my life that much more.

I know that my relationships with people have changed over the last year. I’ve let go of people whom have surprised me with their views on life and people. I’ve learned more about my own feelings on life. Mentally, I had felt shut off for a time. I want to say that part of those reasons, are because of working on the nightshift, but that might just be an excuse. I think that being down a few times with potential symptoms might have been apart of it.

So, where do we go from here? I think that more people are going to be judgmental about sick people being out and about at the stores. I think people going to work sick, and being sent home is going to be encouraged just a bit more. I actually think that masks wearing while sick, might become more popular here in America. Our focuses on technology is going to go in a different direction. I think more focus on getting better ways to communicate will be a major push. I also think the way people work is going to be different. Working at home, will end up being more common place than not. I just think that business’s will take a bit of time to figure things like that out. I think the medical field might also get more focus after the way the medical professionals have served tirelessly through all this. If that ends up not being the case, then that’ll be a shame.

If this pandemic has shown anything else, it’s the inequality of the economic levels. The rich have kept getting richer, as the lower, and middle-classes have struggled to survive. It’s shown that more people need help that others would rather not acknowledge. Mentally, this has strained a large portion of society. I’ve also heard people claiming that the opposite party is evil. Honestly, I think it’s the greed that makes people do evil things, and as it does say in a certain book, “money is the root of all evil.” I’m not going to get preachy on this though.

I just feel mentally tired, and spiritually, I’m finding peace that I’ve not known for sometime. While this past year had been full of unexpected turns of events, I was brought closer to things from the past I had little to no idea about. I was able to meet the missing part of my life and see the man my brother is, and the woman who my sister is. I love them both. I’ve also got to witness how amazing some people truly are, and how inspirational they can be.

Mentally, I think we should take this first day of a new year, and decide who we are, and how we want people to remember us. Is being the self-entitled and arrogant attitude the way we want to be remembered? Do we want to be remembered as someone who showed compassion and forgiveness in a time where things are so uncertain? I personally said that I was going to be a beacon of positivity, and this was a commitment that I made over five-years-ago. Have I faltered? Absolutely. Has my life improved? Far beyond anything that most people realize.

I do want to say a couple more things about where things have been, and the appreciation that I have to those who have shown concerned. On most days, I seemed to get asked if I’m okay (side note, Sarah just asked). I’ve had several people offer to be that support if I needed to talk, they’d listen. If you’re one of those people, thank you. It matters and means more to me than you will ever know.

Since my mother died, and then my ex-wife, as well as some friends, who’ve died from Covid-19 related complications, I’ve not felt much. I know that I’ve been numb, and questioning how I should feel, maybe this is my survival mode switched on. I feel bad for them, and those affected by it, I just try not to dwell on it. My mom had been sick anyway, at least she’s not suffering the pain. My ex, had stage-four adrenal cancer, and she was in really bad shape the last few times I had spoken to her. All I can think is that she’s not suffering anymore. Mentally, I’m doing alright, and I will survive. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

How Should It Feel?

So, as we start the last month of a strangely rough year, a few things have come to mind, that has me thinking of life in general. I’m usually a person who tries to stay positive, even in the less than positive circumstances. I’ve heard to opinions on both sides of the Covid-19 isle. While I respect people for who they are and I try to respect their belief systems, I can’t say that I haven’t been affected by this pandemic. In particular during the last few months of this year. I’ve been replying to people who say that they can’t wait to get to the new year for a fresh start. The last few weeks, I’ve been saying that there’s a plot twist, that it gets worse.

I got news last night that put me in a spot of reflection. I was told by a mutual friend that my ex-wife, yes, the one I’ve ranted about in several posts, had passed away from Covid-19 a few days ago. For a woman who put me through hell, how should one feel about this news? Should there be a justified vindication? What if I said that it left an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach? This wasn’t the way I expected her to go. We’d gotten in contact a couple of years ago, and started to make amends, she had been apologetic about the way things happened. Her father was an instigator for many of our problems. Anyway I digress.

She had stage four Adrenal cancer and had been sick, even when we had talked after so many years. I had people who had known her tell me a few years before she reached out, that she had cancer. At that time, I wanted to know if she passed. I think the reason at the time was for a peace of mind, but in truth I felt like I would feel sad. I do feel empty, at the same time I feel that she is better off because she’d been riddled with health problems her whole life. Most of our marriage spent time in the emergency room due to her declining health.

It was nice that we could catch up as we did, because I was able to share my passion for filmmaking, and that she said she was proud of where I was in life. I felt bad for her because her life seemed to get progressively harder after our time together. I guess it could have been considered karma, but I think that train of thought would be horrible, and I knew that after we had talked that I had felt sorry for the choices that she made. I’m glad that she got to have the kids that she always wanted, but I’m also glad that they weren’t mine, because I think that it would have kept tension between us, if we would have had any children.

I keep wondering about how I should feel. I’m not blogging this to find sympathy, and I’m not on this subject to bash the woman that I had once loved. I think it’s surreal, because she was the first person that I ever considered having a family, a future with. The relationship was toxic, but I had loved her.

With that Sarah was the savior of my soul, and she’s defiantly one of the most patient women I’ve ever known. She’s the one I’m glad I did build our lives together. It’s not always easy, God knows how much harder it’s been since she’s gotten Crohn’s disease, but I do try to show her the support she needs. I go to every appointment I can, but the pandemic has put things into a different mode for everyone.

What’s harder is the fact that I lost my maternal mother due to complications from contracting Covid-19, I mean it’s not like we were close, as a mater of fact I did keep distance, but she did give birth to me. The fact that I got to go to Pennsylvania and got to learn about her was nice. I got to meet family that seemed to accept me, even if I wasn’t there for most of my life. I did learn that she loved me, and that I was always in her thoughts.

More importantly, I found something I was missing from my life, and that I got to fulfill her wish to have her kids together. Come to find out that I actually like my brother and sister. I know that I’ve talked about that experience in another blog, so I’ll just continue on.

Isn’t it weird that things can seem to go to shit, yet an amount of good happens about the same time? I mean, I lose my mom, I come home and find out that my dog has to be put down. I get a raise at work, and an opportunity to have a place to actually produce some serious content for all three brands. That’s crazy, right? Then I find out about Mariah last night, and it’s just got me thinking about life in general, both the blessings and the trials that we face on a constant basis.

I think that the hardest part of this year is that it’s changed me, some for the better, but I’m sure that there’s been some negative effects thrown in there, I’m just not sure what it is yet. I mean it’s hard to see our own flaws at times. I do know that I’ve decided to keep pushing forward with what I’m doing and I plan on improving my brands. I also plan on learning more things and different skills to help me become a more well-rounded person over all. You should never stop learning, and if you’re passionate about something, you should continue to improve your knowledge on the subject. I’ve come to the point in life that I don’t feel like I know much of anything, but I’m trying.

Remember that all hope isn’t lost. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, nobody said how long that tunnel is though. Just keep pushing forward, because in the end, we’re our own competition. We’re also our own worst enemies. I spent many nights on nightshift feeling like nobody liked me, but it was just my mind. Remember, you are good enough, you are worthy. You got this.

I don’t know if there’s going to be more surprises for me to experience this year, but I do know that I’m going to keep going forward, and not let these things break my will. I know there are those who would say that they couldn’t handle much more, and I get that I’ve been through quite a bit, especially within a short period, but I’m a survivor, and that’s something that I’ve done my whole life. I’ve faced my demons several times over, and I’ve prevailed. I know that if I can do that, anybody can. I’ve hated myself, and then come to terms with my dislike. I love who I’ve become over the last several years, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ve not always been the best person, as a friend, a husband, or a father. My depression has caused me to be absent for part of life. I’m not going to make that an excuse, because I can do better, and I’m trying to do better.

What happens when we stop growing? The trick is: we never do stop. You can’t control time for stopping, children get older, we get older. Our hair, nails, age, it all grows. The only thing anyone can really do is make the best of it, and the best advantage is to improve on what you already have.

If there’s been a real eye-opener this year, it’s been the fact that I’ve seen the ugly that people can show. I’ve seen hate, and racism more harshly than I thought possible. I saw it from the most unlikely of people, and I have had to disassociate from some of these people. It’s hard to lose the connection with people. Even if that’s to help your own sanity, it’s never easy to get rid of people. I’ve been used by friends, and abused by lovers, but it’s never easy cutting people off, but toxic is toxic.

Anyway, that’s what’s been going on in my life over the last few months. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

How Did It Happen?

For a year that had been emotionally and mentally rough on most people, good things can come to those with patience. I for on don’t think that most of the year went too horribly, I found ways to benefit from the pandemic, like staying home kept me in check and refocus on things such as paying off bills.

Mentally I wasn’t completely keeping it together. One of those things I dealt with was dealing with a low-key depression that I hadn’t really realized was there until much later in the year. I wanted to blame it on being on the nightshift for so long, and the fact that the pandemic happened towards the beginning of my time on that shift. I just really didn’t think of what it was that was bothering me.

One of the downsides of me being on nightshift is always that my mind isn’t nice to me, ever. I start getting stupid thoughts of doubt, and loneliness, and it doesn’t do my mental health any good. That’s why I would text people I knew at god awful hours just so that I could feel validated to someone. I did find the experience to growth, from a personal perspective. My opinions on certain aspects on life have been changed, and it’s taken me by surprise.

Mentally, I feel a bit uplifted now. I got a raise at work that I’ve been hoping to get for some time. I also got an opportunity to have a space for a studio, which is something I haven’t thought that I would have for a long time. The positive side is that I can now produce a bit more video content without having to worry about finding the space I would need for some of the stuff I’ve been meaning to do. I think this will be a win for The CK Project and Luckey Bom Films. The Geekultural will be getting some content as well. I’m excited because this has been what I’ve been working towards the last few years.

Mentally, I’m feeling accomplished. I’ve also been changing some eating habits and changing up my physical training regimen, and I’m starting to feel a bit better about that now. I’ve started what is termed as the “cutting phase”, which means that I’m on a modified cabbage diet, as well as doing endurance training. This way I’ll be going leaner and losing weight. I’m looking to drop muscle size as well with high reps, and light weight.

It’s torcher, and also changing my eating habits and being more conscious about how and when I’m eating is starting to feel that I’m feeling better, and not as fat. I think the weirdest part is that I’ve dropped eating my protein bars, that had been my go-to for the last almost three years. I got this, and in truth, I know that it’s going to save me money in the long run.

Part of why I’ve decided to go this route is because I want to start training for a body building competition. I’m not expecting to win anything, however it’s a learning process to help me for when I become a trainer. Not only that, but as an actor, I would like to look a bit better when I’m on screen, and yes I know that it’s partially a vanity thing. Though getting in the best shape of my life will also extend my life, and I like feeling better about myself.

I guess that shows one of those connections between the physical and mental aspects in life. I mean look, make-up and fashion have been playing into this connection for years. It is a multi-billion dollar industry after all. Plus it’s something society has put standards on. It molds the way most people view the world. It can be ugly at times. If you’re over weight, people tend to be judgmental. If you’re under weight, same difference. I often use the quote haters gonna hate. It’s sad, but true.

Remember how I mentioned how I hated nightshift because of where my mind would take me? Yeah, that the words of people wanting to tear me down since I was little. I used to tease my kids when they were little to toughen them up, but as I’ve gotten older, I hope that I’ve gotten wiser to realize that it wasn’t the best approach to parenthood. The intention was out of love and wanting to protect my children.

That’s something that was hard to accept, that as a parent, I can’t protect my children from all the bad in this world. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes we have to just hope that they can find their way and succeed in life. The world isn’t kind, and all we can do as parents is hope that we’ve given them enough tools to manage the ugly that life presents during the various events in our lives.

I feel that my mental health hasn’t always helped me to be a good parent, but I’ve tried my best, given the circumstances at hand. However, the person that I’ve strived to become over the last several years I think is a step in the right direction. The hardworking that I’ve been putting into getting my brands going, I hope is an example of what I’m trying to have my kids learn. I hope that they can learn and become better versions of themselves as well.

I’m sorry that they’ve ever had to see me struggle and suffer from my misplaced anger. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel that I was the parent that they needed, but they know that I love them. I hope that by seeing me at my worst, they can appreciate that I’ve done all that I could to overcome the struggles of poor mental and physical health. They are my world, and I love them. The fact that they can share in my success, and be apart of building something bugger then just who I am, is where I think we’ve found bounding at it’s finest.

This was started last weekend, and being Thanksgiving, I’m going to finish my thoughts:

I was called to come help my father pick my step-mother up from the floor yesterday. The time was about eight-thirty in the morning, and when I had come to assist I had found out that she had been on the floor since about four-in-the-morning. After we had gotten her up, I was told that she needed to get an ultrasound on her legs because the doctor’s think that she may have clots in her legs. Talk about a plot twist that as most people have felt the whole year has been bad, I figured that it hadn’t been that bad, well I guess that I’m having my chips cashed in in the last bit of this year.

I mean if you’ve been following me for some time, then you already know that I don’t believe that a new year, fresh start is in my belief system. I mean things just seem to come in waves at times. Seeing the woman who raised me, look so frail, and just seems to be getting worse since her head trauma from a couple of years ago has got me thinking about how much time she has left. Again, she raised me, and was the only woman I called mom for most of my life, her condition has hit me hard. I’m afraid that I’m going to be losing her soon, and that would just be the exclamation to hit me during these troubled times.

I’m not letting these events drag me down, at least not to anywhere dangerous, but at the same time, I think I’m still trying to figure out what it all means. I know that this month of November has come with it’s own set of mixed blessings, as I’ve gotten almost all my studies done, and I have made forward progress on the filmmaking end of things as we are setting up an area that gives us a bit of space to grow and film. Plus with the meetings every weekend, we’ve been developing something that should keep us busy filming for a majority of the year.

It’s all about taking it one-step-at-a-time. Just like working on self-care, mental health, and everything else in life. Take it all one step, one day-at-a-time.

With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Winning with Failure

I recently applied for a job, that I thought I had in the bag. I was told why I didn’t get it, and I accept that. I had this feeling that it might not have been the way for my life to be headed. I was looking forward to working with one of my best friends, however, I think that I have to pressure other avenues.

I know that rejection is one of the hardest things for anyone having to deal with it. It keeps people from growing, and trying new things. The fear keeps people trying to keep things the same. People who have depression probably have it the worst, especially since the “darker times”, self-worth is at it’s lowest. I’ve been there.

Some people can’t handle criticism either, which is different than rejection, yet can at times feel the same. I know that from my own personal experience, I prefer criticism over rejection, as I’ve found that criticism makes for a great teacher for improvement. I guess that rejection can end up being the same kind of teacher.

At times, criticism can be hard to handle, especially if it’s something on the character of a person. I’ve had issues hearing about how stubborn that I can be. I mean, I know that I’m stubborn, I just don’t need it pointed out. All joking aside though, it’s about self-improvement. I think that my over compensation of insecurity by having an ego, was perhaps one of the hardest pills to swallow. I think this is my biggest downfall, as I’m stubborn, and usually don’t want to hear it.

All these criticisms and rejections can be a bit much to handle, yet as one to try and find a silver lining in most situations, I suggest turning the perspective around and really see where the improvement can be made. I was fortunate enough to know the person doing the job interview, and I didn’t take it personally, I just wanted to know what I could do to improve. That person told me, and now that I will do much better when I decide to pursue different avenues.

Remember that life has so many opportunities to grow. I’ve spent the better part of the last six-years trying to become someone better than I was. For the most part, I think that’s true. I still have my moments of doubt, which is funny because it hits a bit different now. I think the biggest thing that still gets me is that I have those days where I see myself at that four-hundred-and-thirty-pound person that I was.

I think that we are our biggest enemies. We criticize ourselves into thinking that we’re not good enough. We reject the notion that we’re worthy of anything good. I think that is where an inflated ego comes from, at times. I know that I went on doing that as a way to shield myself from the way I truly saw myself inside. Self acceptance was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

The way we think and realizing that we need to find a better way to view things is even harder. Our relationships, not only with ourselves, but with others can often be affected. I know people who “can do no wrong” and that “it’s everybody else’s fault”. That’s often the hardest type of person anyone can deal with. I’ll admit, that while I’ve grown to accept myself, I’ll even say that my relationship with who I am has improved, I wouldn’t want to actually hang around anyone completely like me. I have those friends, who do enjoy my company, and I’m thankful for that more than they’ll ever know, because I drive myself crazy at times.

I think that’s why my oldest and I clash at times. She is her “daddy’s girl”. I love her, because she’s smart, kind, and I feel that she’s probably a better person than I’ll ever be, but God damn, if she doesn’t frustrate me with her stubbornness. It’s her razor sharp wit that gets me. I find it to be one of the greatest things, yet I get frustrated because I would respond the same way at things. She’s got a passion that drives her interests in her life, and I couldn’t think of anything better.

I hope that by my example, that my children can learn to turn rejection and criticism into something positive. I hope that from my mistakes as a parent, they can become better than I ever was. I think that’s a desire that most parents have, to have their children become better, and do better than we ever did.

Coming back to the point of rejection, another way it cam be positive, is by rejecting our past selves. I reject the fact that I was an addict to self-medicating with food. I reject that I was close minded to other ideas and thought when I was younger. I get into my own head more often then I care to admit, but I reject being a prisoner there. I did so much damage to myself with an environment that tried to break me and end my life. The environment was inside my head. Yes, there were more factors coming from external negative energies, but I had to learn to process what was going on.

Update:

Since I started the final cut of The Driver Episode One: Handle Your Business, Mr. Ballenger(2020), I realized that failure really is something that can make us all better. I’m not saying that I failed at bringing it out, on the contrary, I just see that what I can do better, and we, as a company can do better. I believe that’s the way things should be no matter the circumstance that might happen in life. I call it finding the silver linings, I know that it might sound a bit of a cliche, however it’s the best way to help survive.

I know that’s how I’ve been coping with our current situation in life. I’ve heard so much about how people feel oppressed, and we should be able to do whatever we need to do for our own sanity and economy. I look at it like this. I’m not looking at the negative, I look at it like this: I’ve saved so much money since I’ve had to stay home. As a matter of fact, I’ve been able to pay off some of my bills during this time.

Yes, I miss going to the movies, and I miss going out of town to do window shopping or getting things that I can’t in my town, yet I have saved money. To me, it’s about finding where the priorities lie. I have family members that compromised immune systems, and I put my focus into other things, that have helped me tolerate my time at home.

I think working the nightshift helped me not worry about most of this pandemic, because I had not been wide awake most of the time being on a nighttime schedule. However, I had experienced some relaxed restrictions and did take a trip out of town a few weeks ago. It felt weird, and in a way that made me think that it wasn’t going to be normal in the way we used to have it. I think we’re into a point where we’ll be having a new normal once all is over.

In the end, we all need to look at the opportunities, especially the negative, and see if we can find a positive answer to all that we can get from this. Remember, I commonly use the ten-percent to ninety-percent ratio on how life’s out of your control, compared to how you react to it. Once that point of view is taken into consideration, it seems that life becomes that much easier to handle.

I know that the blogs are still lagging a bit, but I’m going to attempt to bring them out more often once again. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

What’s Been Up?

So, I’ve been MIA for a bit longer than I really wanted too. I’d like to say that it was just because being on the nightshift is what’s thrown me of schedule, but it’s been way more than that. While I would get into detail, some of it has to do with family, and with respect to them, I won’t be discussing that part of it. However, I will discuss some of the effects that has been in the way of how I’ve been.

For the last several months, I’ve been in a depressive fog, that’s kept me unmotivated, and uncreative. I’ve felt the affects of that on more sections of my life than I would ever care to have be affected by something like that. Did I want to kill myself? No, but there were times that I was angry and I didn’t like the frustrations going on in my life. My workouts suffered, my content suffered, and my work moral suffered as well.

Now, perhaps you’d like to hear what’s the change in things? I’ve taken several steps in a new direction, one of those are that I’ve enrolled in the International Sports Sciences Association Certified Fitness Trainer Certification courses. This was something that I had been thinking about for awhile, and I think that the CK Project going in this direction is the right one. So that means that I’ll be official to train others and make money as part of what I’m doing.

This also means several other things, like the fact that I’ll be learning the details on how I can break the plateau that I’d been on for what seems like forever now. It also gives me the chance to sit down and learn about the sciences of working out, and how that does change the body, which has been interesting to learn about so far. Now I’ll be able to talk more about it and have science to back my claims. It’s funny on how spot on I’ve been on a few of those points since I came into certain realizations.

Getting back into the swing of studying hasn’t been easy, after all, it’s been a few years since I was a student, and now with me working on my brands, it’s dividing my attention, and my family seems to think that I can give them most of my attention, even when I’m squeezing it in before I go to work.

One of the bright sides to work is that I’m just a week away from actually being off of the nightshift. While my intention was to get a bit of extra money to help pay off bills, which it has, as of the last several weeks, it’s seemed to be a struggle to get through. After next week, I will be on the ideal hours that I like. The other advantage that being on nights is that I was less exposed to the potential of getting Covid-19. Did you know that the nineteen is because that was the year it was discovered? Though I also had to take off almost two-weeks because I thought I had contracted the virus for a bit. I’m glad the test came back negative.

The pandemic has put some restrictions on us, and my eating habits had gone a bit down hill. My exercising motivation had gone down hill a bit too. Yet here I am, getting ready to get back in the game and return to kicking ass. Here are a few observations that I’ve picked up over the last couple of years: I rather do my exercise and training in the mornings. It helps get me going through the rest of my day that way. It helps that it also gives me time to recover throughout the day. It doesn’t make the rest of my day go easier though, as I push out my best efforts in the morning. I’ll just have to get back into the swing of things and not let myself have those late night meals that have kept me going this year. Plus, I’ll finally get back to a schedule that I’ll have a better sleep pattern. Since being on the nightshift, I’ve honestly slept like shit. Four-hours-a-day is about what I’ve been averaging, and that’s including my weekends as well.

Now here’s the kicker about my observations, I notice that I’m most creative when it’s evening time. I think I start getting more creative around five-o-clock. I remember working the dayshift, and coming home to eat dinner, ignoring television, and getting to work at my desk. That’s my outlet, and believe me, I’ve got more to say on that subject, especially with the latest project I’ve been working on.

The Geekultural Experience has probably been the one brand that’s suffered the most this year. I mean without being able to actually go to see the movies at the theater, or going to comic book conventions, it’s really limited our interactions. Quarantine hasn’t helped either because our large get togethers haven’t been able to happen. Although we did see Bloodshot on demand and it was a decent movie. I’m happy to support superhero movies, especially when it’s not Marvel or DC. Valiant has some decent titles, and I would love to see their brand get a bit more exposure.

Now, while we’ve got certain restrictions placed on us, surprisingly enough, Luckey Bom Films has actually had a pretty productive summer. While we were supposed to originally be filming Unexpected Side Trip, quarantine has prevented that from happening. I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to do anything, and with my motivation down, we didn’t do much at first. Then I came up with a no-budget idea, and decided that we would work with an even smaller crew and film something easy. Once we did that, and I had gone over the footage, I had decided that we should redo it and and make it better. We made a short called The Driver, and it was something that put me in front of the camera as well, as behind the camera stuff as well. The family was involved, and they did well on their parts, while Sarah was an assistant director on that, we were a team.

The thing about this project, was that it was originally supposed to be a one-weekend-deal, and we’d put it out. I had edited the original as a concept so that people could see what it was that I had been working on, and it’s been received quite well. Yet, I wanted to continue, and as we reshot it and I rewrote it, I just wanted to produce something better. We did well with a small team, and it was a great way to get the practice in for when we do bigger productions. I’ve turned this one-weekend-project, into something that’s going to continue for several stories, and turn it into a web series.

Now that things have gone differently than I had foreseen, the depressive fog has lifted, and I’ve been going full speed with so many things. We’re building on the brands, I’m trying to get myself in a better professional position while I’m trying to make the brands legitimate businesses. I’ve also seen some of the film crews talent grow and find unexpected positions in their jobs, that will make things flow so much better in the end.

I wish I could have said that this was a smooth year, and everything was great, but it’s been kind of rough on everybody, and I’ve seen an ugliness come out of people that I thought were better than what they had shown. It’s a sad part of life, but it’s a reality we all must face. At least I’ve not given up, and I sure as hell hope that you’re not giving up. We got this!

Any way, I’ll try and not be so long away again. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.