Bad Habits?! Don’t You Come Back

As with anything in life complacently kills. Sometimes we get to a point in our lives that we are comfortable with the way we feel, and things tend to start sliding back into our lives. This is generally true for us who go through the weight loss journey. I’ve seen and know people who have had some form of weight loss surgery, and they’ve gained the weight back. They may not have gained all the weight back, but sometimes they do gain a  good amount of it back.

Let’s look at the fact that us “fat people” go through when loosing weight. It feels good, hell it feels fucking fantastic going from a large weight, being in pain, and hard to breath; to going to fitting in smaller clothes, being pain free, and able to breath without troubles. The troubles that come with this feeling is that sometimes it’s hard to remember that it takes hard work to keep the weight off, and start to take the new body for granted.

That sometimes fills the vanity in us as individuals. Hell there’s a whole industry built upon vanity. Plastic surgeries, make-up, the dietary market.  Gym memberships go up after the holiday’s in preparation for the summers for people to get that “beach body”. Some people feel that once the goal weight is reached, their work is done. I know better since I’ve done the diets, and it’s crazy to see that the hard work has to be continued. That’s the only way to success.

I get baffled that people want to have the good looking body, yet they want to continue with bad eating habits, and an inactive physical life. I’ll admit, that looking better naked is a benefit to my weight loss. It was never the motivation that got me there, however the lady in my life doesn’t complain one bit. Health was the main focus, and while I was getting physically fit, I didn’t realize that my mental state was also getting better.

After everything that I’d gone through in the last several years, it was the surprise that mentally I was changing for he better as well. The food was poisoning my body, and the negative thoughts, the depression, the anxiety. These things were poisoning my mental well being.

When I was coming out of my mental break-down, I started to use positive reinforcement to change the direction of my life. I set out myself to be positive, more for myself than anything else. People around me have also benefited from my positivity, because I’ve been told that it’s brought their moods up  at various times.

It’s amazing to think that once I started to take the journey, it took steps to get the process  going. Finding the creative outlet was the start, giving myself a better hope for a future I wanted was the first step in this long process. It would take a bit of time before I would realize that I needed to physically change as well.

Once I took that path, this was something that I wasn’t counting on fundamentally changing me. I’ve not had any strong bouts of depression since, the six-week recovery process from my surgery. I’ve been stronger than ever, and I constantly push myself to do more activity. I have people come up to me at work and tell me that they watch me do my laps to get my steps in, and it’s a conversation that takes place in their offices. Not only that, but the inspiration I’ve been showing others, makes me feel good.

It takes time to change, it takes time to do things to improve yourself. It’s not surprising when bad habits come back in, because at first you think that it’s only this one time. Then later you give yourself the excuse that you won’t let it come back totally, but another time won’t hurt. That’s when the sense of false security falls in. It was about five or six months after my surgery, when I decided to try a donut. I had been around them for months, but I was able to resist them. This one time I decided why the hell not, that it wouldn’t hurt just to have one donut. I was wrong, and I felt like I was going to die for the next half hour. I don’t even know why the process of it was going through my head. I don’t have any desire to eat donuts, and honestly there are times that I might eat something because it’s there, but I realize it, and I try not to let it happen often.

The success in all of that is the fact that I weighed-in the other day, and I was down 153.7 pounds. It feels amazing, yet unbelievable to see that I’m sitting at 276.2 pounds right now. That means that I have about sixteen pounds to go before I hit my next small goal weight. Now that I’m over fourteen months out from my surgery, the weight isn’t falling off like it used to be, yet I still push and kick ass. With a BMI of thirty-nine-point-six, I’m feeling pretty fit. I know that I have a long ways to go before I get to the weight I want to be, but it still feels good for the success of my hard work. I’m not stopping now, and I don’t plan on stopping ever, because the after effects of the workout is part of what makes me feel better.

Just keep in mind that if at anytime you decide to change your life in any aspect, please, pay closer attention to the things you do, and why you’re doing them. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Fill In The Blank, I’m An Addict

As I was sitting here, editing the sound on my short, I needed a break, and so I thought that I would blog. The thing about this blog, is that I had been sitting on this idea for a little while. Plus, life has been going pretty damn good for me, so I haven’t had anything on my mind in particular to say, until the other night.

There are times that life brings up “ghosts of the past”. I never did drugs, and I was never an alcoholic, but I’ve gone through some different spouts of addiction in my own right. I’ve seen people deal with other aspects of addiction, and I’ve observed how it’s affected people.

I used to be addicted to food. It was a way I would find comfort in life, and it was something to help me because of boredom. This later one, has tried to creep back in a bit. I’m also addicted to entertainment. That goes anywhere from video games, to movies, and music. I’m also an addict to attention, in particular that of beautiful women.

Food used to be the answer for everything. I mean if you look at society, it would seem that everything is built around this concept of food being at the center of most social gatherings. We have an over eaters anonymous, to help people who can’t stop eating. You go out to relax with co-workers, and it usually ends up at a bar, or a place for dinner. Family gatherings end up with mass amounts of food, and socializing. Any way, you can see where I’m going here. This is easily an addiction that most people don’t seem to realize, but that’s okay. It’s something that with a little thought, can be pondered on, and acted upon accordingly.

I love movies, music, video games. Hell, it all comes down to the fact that I’m addicted to stories. I use them as a way to escape the realities of what life can sometimes be. I can imagine myself to be something greater than I am through these same stories. Part of the issue that comes with this is procrastination. Probably the single worse enemy of any person who should be more productive in life. I found it kind of ironic that as I get into developing, or working on my own projects, the desire to watch or play, becomes far less than it usually is. I like going to the movie theaters because I like the experiences that it provides.

Now, talking about my addiction to attention, is probably the harder one to talk about. I’ve made some really bad choices when it’s come to the attention that I have sought in the past. Being an only child who would get pick on for being a “lesser class” of person on a military base, had given me the bad attention, and I was always wishing that I could fit in. Getting called “fat” and “ugly” are a few words that. stuck with me. They still affect my decisions at times thirty-years later.

My desire of attention has at times been a blessing. I found at a young age that I had the talent to be a performer. While in grade school I was in choir, and then again in high school. I found an even bigger love for acting. I took some classes when I went to the local community college, and I was hooked. This would eventually lead me to wanting to become a director, and the rest is history.

The thing about performing, or speaking in front of people gets me high. It’s an incredible energy that I just can’t get enough of. Part of it was to feed my ego, and there was another part that I loved about making people feel different ways. I’ve always loved to me people laugh, it’s something I still do today. Yet it was even more powerful when I could grab their full attention, and take them on an “emotional rollercoaster ride” with whatever was in my characters intentions.

This is where I found being a writer and a storyteller is an art. The truth is, I want people to feel a mixture of emotions when they see my movies. I want to make people laugh at one moment, and then cry the next. This is where my addiction has taken me. In the end, I just want people to look at the piece, and talk about how it made them feel. I want to know that there was a discovery of something that made them feel a specific way.

The attention from the people I have found attractive, has gotten me in trouble a few times. I see that this part of the addiction is where I can be self destructive. I’ve womanized, I’ve hurt some really good people because of these actions. While I can never take away what I have done. I realize that I can grow from it. I guess this would be the drug that I’ve been addicted to the most. It’s never easy to mention that it had been a problem, and usually when I can’t figure how to deal with what is going on in my life, I find that this has been where I would turn.

I’m not proud that I’ve been this way, but I’ve settled with my problems, and haven’t had to turn this way in a long time. Finding a purpose in life has given me the meaning that I’d been looking for, and self improvement is becoming the new addiction.

Any addiction can be destructive. It can ruin lives, and relationships. I’ve had friends, and family who’ve had addiction as well. It’s always good to find a way to help those who need to get over their addiction. The biggest thing to remember is that the only way to get over any addiction, is that they have to want the help first. I was at  the point where I wanted the change and needed the help, and that is why I’ve been successful with getting over some of my issues. I hope that if somebody needs helps, they can get the help they need.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Grieve For Your Sanity

The world is going to test you. As it were, God is going to test you, if you believe in such things. The ironic part of that is that when you get tested, it’s usually unexpected, and you’ll probably already have a billion and a half things going on as it were already.

Then life also gets in the way, and you sometimes lose the path you tried to set for yourself. I’ve done that a few times. Most recently in fact. With so many things that get thrown at you in life, it’s not hard to lose focus on what’s important. John Lennon said it best in his song Beautiful Boy, “Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans.” How beautifully true that statement is.

I think that’s part of what makes life both great, and frustrating. You save up to buy something nice, then your car breaks down, so that’s where the money goes. Yes, I’ve been in this situation many times, and it sucks. Yet, there are times, you might back into someone, and find the love of your life. As I look back on life, it’s a remarkable journey.

I never anticipated where having the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy would take me. All I knew was that it was something that was going to help me lose weight, and I wouldn’t hurt as much. The amount of positivity that I’ve received from people, the growth of my mental, and physical wellbeing, has taken me aback. This process has been a sanity check at times as well.

I’m sure the question of if the surgery did so well, why would you have to check your sanity during this positive journey? Well, it’s because there are bumps in every journey. Being a human, with doubts and insecurities, tend to be the biggest hurtle. When you grow up and get told that you weren’t good enough, and you didn’t deserve things; that kind of stuff sticks with you. Being over-weight for so long, and having limited movement, my mind also tells me that I can’t do it. That’s something that reminds me of the cliche, “You’re your own worst enemy.”

This all comes down to keeping yourself in check and remembering that it’s all a mental game, and the things that happen, are only a small portion of your reality, and that the rest is made up of how you react to them. As an example, I have a friend or two, that tend to act like life is out to get them. The truth is after hearing their stories, I look at the situation, and think that it doesn’t usually sound as bad as they make it out to be. Again it’s not always easy to explain, as ego tends to get in people’s way. Just look at the current group of people who are running our country, and you can see the examples of what I mean.

It’s insane to think that life is completely out of our hands to control. To go “religious”, that is why God gave us free will. Keep in mind that whatever does happen, it’s all about trying to keep ourselves in check and mentally prepared.

While it doesn’t always work, attempt to take the time and stand back to reflect on the situation, sometimes that’s all anyone needs. Even if that means that it’s for the next time a similar situation occurs.

I think the most sane thing to do is to continue to grow, to strive to become a better version of the person we are right now. It is so easy to get complacent, and to blame other things or people, then it is too point out our own faults. Those are toxic traits that I’ve seen in people around me. Hell, I’ve learned to see some of those traits in myself. This is something that I’ve been trying to purge out of my own self. I know that I’ve grown, especially over the last five years, but I also realize that there are things that I need to continue to work on.

Things that I didn’t think I could do, have shown me differently. The way I react to some situations, has surprised me, when I’ve been put in the situation. One of my bigger issues is that fact that I’m constantly in self-doubt. This hurtle is something I have a long way to over come. It’s just not the mountain that it once was.

This is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

Break On Through Past The Plateau Side

Well, I weighed-in Tuesday. I know that I’ve been saying that I’ve been scared to see if I would end up with another weigh-in saying 293. something, but I did it, and I’m glad to report that I moved down another two pounds. I’m down to 291.3 with 138.6 total loss so far.

When the numbers go down on the scale, it’s always a good feeling, and this time it seemed bitter sweet. I realize that it’s not the fantastic numbers that I used to get, but it’s still a hell of a win in my book.

It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Not only that, but Sarah finally had her appointment to see the doctor, and we now have an idea of what it is she’s going through. Crohn’s disease, while not the best news about her health, I had a feeling that was what it probably was, and now we can take the steps forward to treating it. I feel that the rough patch may finally be over.

So in the morning, I will be going in for my eleven month check-up for my weight loss surgery. I can’t believe that it’s been almost a year since I did this thing. It’s crazier to think about how much my life has changed since then. Both physically and mentally, I am in the best spot that I’ve ever been. A journey that will never be regretted.

Stepping up the intensity of my workouts, and getting more consistent steps in for my days is helping me go down in more weight. As of tonight, I’ve done five days of ten thousand steps plus, so I’m feeling really accomplished, and I’m going to try and get at least eight days in a row by the time I’m done.

Now I’m also working on some aspects of my life so that we can really get the brands up and making money. I’m not looking to make a whole lot of money right away, but it would be nice to be able to add at least a couple hundred bucks a month to help invest in other areas in my life.

With that being said, I’m looking to offer other services, as in links to products and services that I would probably support. We’re still in the investigative stages of getting our merchandise off the ground. So the adventure of finding several other avenues of income to help get the dream going is taking some focus currently.  I’m also looking into starting a Patreon for my followers. The marketing part of this business thing gets to be one of the more difficult parts to do.

Thank God that I have my creative side. That seems to be the one thing that seems to make sense in my life. The rest of it is needed to help me get the various projects funded so that I can bring out the highest quality work that I can give everybody.

I’ll update everyone on the results of tomorrow, and this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

The Four Day Feel Good

Last weekend was great. Everything turned out to be just the right vibe to put me in a better mood. I made my personal training sessions last week, and did both days of the weekend at the gym.

I’m glad that I’m setting things right in life. It gets hard when everything in life starts to feel like it’s trying to go against you. With the plateau, and family health, I hadn’t been feeling positive and slightly depressed.

(A continuation, because I started this post earlier in the week)

I should totally say that while I’m getting more motivated, my video game addiction gets heavy this time of hear because of all the good games coming out, like Spider-man for the PS4, WWE 2k19, Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey, and Red Dead Redemption 2. Though that’s for a totally different thing that I do.

However, I also hit my personal training days this week, I’m planing on weighing in on Sunday, because I’ve been discouraged by the scale as of the last month. I also plan on going to the gym both days this weekend, and take the boy with me. I was happy to take him last weekend and see what he could do. He does get better, I just know that it’s going to take awhile for him to get that proper form going.

I should say that my running has gotten better than I expected. I can run a five-point-six on the treadmill for two minutes. I’ve also done a six-point-zero for a minute, so that I know that I’ll get better. It helps going to the things that I’m trying to accomplish in my professional and personal life.

On a bright note about myself being happy, is that I’ve been writing one of my screen plays again, and it’s putting me in the feel good mood that I’ve been missing. It’s really amazing how much the mind and the body seem to mirror each other, and I’m constantly amazed by the self-awareness that I’ve been gaining through out this whole process.

Part of the process is that I’m starting to put more focus on my brands again because, it helps me feel better. Sometimes it seems strange, but staying busy doesn’t leave too much room for negative thoughts. Besides, I’m building something, and making it tangible. It’s amazing to see the feeling of accomplishment. I’m trying to make a positive impact on my children’s lives as we build something for the betterment of the family.

I showed the kids that you could accomplish anything you put your mind too, through dedication and hard work. I busted my ass to get through school, and I noticed that I have a passion when I talk about the whole process of filmmaking. I sometimes think that I tend to bite of too much more than I can handle since I’m taking myself in several different directions all at one time. Time to refocus and get that work flow going again.

If you like the things I saw, and want to follow more closely to the CK Project, than you can follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ckproject97/. It’s a bit of promotion, I know, but it’s another way you can follow my life, and the craziness that can happen. Plus you can PM me on there and we can start up a conversation if you, the reader, have questions.

I can never say enough of how much I’m enjoying the journey to better health, and I’m continually growing as a person. I’m gaining a warrior’s spirit, and the biggest success story of my life, is that fact that I’m still here, among the living, and I didn’t let suicidal tendencies get the best of me. I’m a survivor, and there is nothing anyone can do to take away those accomplishments.

Before I call this a wrap, I want to mention that by the end of the year, my team and I will be coming out with a few different pod casts that will cover various subjects, such as battling depression, inspirational motivation about self-care, and my other brands will be coming out with some pretty sweet stuff. So, if you like my writing, like my blog. If you love it, then please share, let’s boost the message I’ve been trying to get out. With that, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

Life With Unmotivated Words

So, seventeen days have passed since my last blog. Motivation has mostly eluded me as I’ve been dealing with life’s issues of varying degrees. I know that I need to get myself in the right mind set, and I’m putting myself back on track today.

It’s funny because I set my goal to get back on the right path on Friday and I’m sticking to that commitment. Time to kick even more ass as I head closer to my one year anniversary of my surgery.

Before I continue, I find it funny how the levels of motivation seem to change. While life had been going on, my writing has fallen behind, but my weight loss journey has been moving forward really well.  I’m shrugging it off and am putting more dedication to the other aspects of my life. I need those outlets to help me keep myself more sane.

Today I ended up staying home and helping the wife out with her recovery from the procedure she had yesterday. That meant that I had to take the kid, who wasn’t sick, to school today. I feel good that I was able to get in my personal training session. It was good to get some time and focus on my journey to better help. It’s one of the things that I require in my life to find a balance. Which is something else that I find kind of funny that I’ve become dependent on things to help me keep peace in my soul.

I finally started on my slasher script, and while I had a few pages on paper, I’m eager to see where I take this story. I’m taking my time to write it, because I want this to be the best writing I’ve done so far, even if that’s the way I feel about every piece I write. The creative process has been a saving grace of mine for the last several years, and I’m discovering that I shouldn’t put it off. Every time I do, I feel a bit off, though, working out is also part of it as well.

I’ve been getting colder as the days get shorter, I guess that’s part of where the weight loss has been negative, but fitting in a 2x shirt has made things well worth the journey so far. Although the hanging skin is something that I want to go away at some point. Though  the things I can do with it does make people laugh. I’ll be ready to get rid of the wizard sleeves after my journey changes from losing to maintaining.

I was able to see my friend at The Great Western War. She recently had the surgery and was looking great. She told me that everyone had been telling her how much her attitude had changed. She said that she didn’t realize how much happier she was. I was telling her that I agreed, that I noticed that having the surgery changed me like that as well.

It’s funny how much the mind, and body really align with each other. When one is off, so is the other usually. That’s where over compensation tends to come in. For me it was putting on the ego, and having the over the top personality. While the ego’s fading away with real confidence, I don’t think my personality has changed. Though I do feel like I’m quieter over all. I take more time to speak and not let my emotions get the best of me anymore, or at least I try not too.

I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

#ITSOKAYNOTTOBEOKAY

     Disclaimer: Due to technical difficulties with internet and the real world, I’ve been away, and I’m back for more….

     As with most of my blogs as of late, I usually start off by talking about my weight loss journey, but being away for the amount of time I have, something has struck me with inspiration, and pulls me in a direction that I normally only touch upon. Not today! Today I want to talk about #itsokaynottobeokay.

A few weeks ago I was on Facebook, looking at the many posts and memes that get shared, when I happened to see a post about being there for others with the hashtag its okay not to be okay. As many of you who do actually read my blogs, know what The CK Project is all about. Some have been with me from the beginning, way back in 2011, when it was just about motivation for better physical health, but its since evolved into more than just the physical, but has incorporated the mental health as well.

It’s funny how things seem to go full circle, then brings attention to the real reasons that I started blogging. I’ve been witness to some friends of mine being in the dark places, and I want to let them know that “it’s okay not to be okay”, but to remind them that better times are always around the corner.  Being someone who’s been in the mindset of suicide on more than one occasion, I want to remind my friends, my readers, that I know it’s hard to get out of your mind with the ideas that there’s nothing better, and to end it all, would be the best way, but it’s not true, nor is it the best option for anyone.

I know how lonely it gets, and it’s frustrating to see my own wife go through her battles, and watch her discover what the dark shade of depression is. I also know that it’s easier said than done when it comes to dealing with it. Just know that those who are meant to be in your life are there for a reason, even if it’s just so you can learn to tell them to fuck off. I know someone who’s dealing with hate and discontent in their family, being that I myself have a spotty relationship with most of my extended family, I understand. Sometimes we have to make the difficult choice to cut those people out of your lives. I know that I don’t deal with most family members because I’m the black sheep, and I look at life very different then those who grew up together.

Remember, it’s okay not to be okay. It isn’t just a hash tag trend on social media. It’s a reminder that it’s okay to not stay strong. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay, to be vulnerable. You’re only human, and that’s….okay. We all have gone through some form of rough times, and we all can weather the storm. Life can and will get better if you allow it, even with a bit of help.

Self analysis is a strong tool to have to help get through these problems, and I remember when I felt like I had nowhere to turn. Getting the help, more importantly, asking for the help is the first step to recovery, in any situation in life. That’s always why having other’s around you can help you figure it out. If you don’t have the tool set, find someone who can help you get that tool set. Find that way to count your spoons.

As I’ve been on this journey of self discovery, and building a better me, I’ve grown so much, and I see people who’ve had the similar struggles, tend to show kindness in a world that usually doesn’t have any of it to spare. So we deal, and try to manage, then you get that asshole who wants to shit on whatever progress you’ve made. That’s something that’s damaging and can lead to worse things. Unfortunately, those people don’t care, or give a thought to what they might have just done.

It’s okay not to be okay, and if you need assistance, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me, and if I can’t help you, I’ll find you somebody who can. I’ve lost a few people to suicide, and even one is too many. This is why the project is stronger than ever. This is why I do what I do. This is why, somehow, its been my bigger focus in life. Saving someone is worth it, and I’ve been there to help people not leave this earth too soon, and I’ll continue to strive to help as long as I can.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.