Author: CK Project

In 2011, I started the CK Project as a way to hold myself accountable during my weight loss journey. In 2013 I had a mental breakdown and almost ended my life. A year later I found myself in a position to reflect on my choices in life and decided to turn my life around. I started blogging on Facebook to help myself heal, and to show others that my mental health struggles weren’t the end of my journey. I used this as therapy, and a way to reach out to others who might be struggling. In 2016, I started blogging on Wordpress, and it was a way to help spread the word of my own experiences. I got back into the weight loss journey in 2017 and had the Gastric Sleeve done in December 2017. I’m open about my struggles with depression and anxiety that sometimes comes with it.

# Building a Better Me part 2

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In the last part I talked about life in grade school and middle school. It was a difficult journey when the peers around me devalued my worth, and my mentality ended up being something that would keep me down. In hindsight, looking at the systematic teachings of classism has shown me why I as an enlisted military child I might have been treated that way.

As I go from my grade school and middle school years, I had moved from being overseas, back to stateside, and it was a bit of a culture shock. I was a bit out of place, but I ended up making some good friends, while doubting myself along the way. Tradition, and a few other things would really affect my first year in high school, as when I was in Junior High it was a seventh through ninth grade institute. As I hit ninth grade, it had been moved back to high school, and the freshmen year, meant that I would be part of the fresh meat class.

Before I move forward with the narrative, I should mention that I had made a friend in wrestling while I was in seventh grade. People would think we were brothers and we got a bit competitive with our dating lives. I would often date his girl when they broke up, to get some sort of validation that I was the better person, I’m aware of it being an asshole move.

So in ninth grade, I got stuck in a wrong place, wrong time situation, that I had gotten put into the creek behind my school during the middle of December, and I remember getting stuck in a full nelson and almost getting my neck snapped because I tried to fight out. I thought that I wold be able to fight my way out of anything, but apparently I wasn’t so smart. I should have known better than to go to the place that the kids liked to go smoke, right off school grounds.

Ninth grade was the year that I did date the same girls as my friend, just because I felt like I had to prove something to somebody, and that friendship would end that same year, because he got told that I said that I could kick his ass, if we fought. Then for the rest of high school, he would be a persistent problem like that. I should have handled that whole situation better.

The other part of my problem is that I didn’t always talk to people I was attracted to with an appropriate attitude, and I would end up in the principle’s office on a couple of occasions. I don’t even really remember where it was that I learned to be that way, I think that I just thought that I was being funny.

I find it hard to talk about high school, I do know that my idea of joking and messing with my friends, had ended up causing problems with people who I never meant to actually draw into the situation, and I wish that I had made some better choices because I know that it there were certain people who had a bad impression of me.

I think it was the summer before my tenth grade year, when so many things changed, and at the time I thought it was for the better, but like Peter Parker’s Uncle been said with great power, comes great responsibility(Amazing Fantasy 15, 1962). I didn’t know how to handle things.

It was the summer and my friends and I would hang out at Roosevelt pool all day. Most summers I would make new friends, maybe find a girlfriend or two, but this summer ended up being different. That’s when I met the girl who ended up changing my world. I won’t mention her name, but I think that she was the first girl I ever fell hard for. It also would be the summer where I would learn how to fake confidence in a way that I would carry for the rest of high school.

Here’s a fact about my health, I have bad skin. I had acne and my back would develop these bad scars called keloids. My back looks like it could have been burned, and this was the summer someone asked if I got burned. My friend who was with me told me to say yes and make up a story for it. He figured that I could lie and give myself a boost of confidence.

For those who know me, or have followed me for some time, I am a storyteller, and as an actor, I can tell a decent bullshit story, and keep it straight. With this being the first lie, I said that I had slept with a gang bangers girlfriend, and that they burned me as punishment. That lead to more and more stories, some for sympathy, others because it was becoming a game. I got mouthy to some people, and the friend who thought that my lying would give me confidence would help fuel my stories.

As my confidence grew, I became somewhat popular, it also led to other’s not liking me. This was what I wanted though, and I became friends with people in the crowd that I wanted to be around. Nothing could go wrong, right? People seem to like larger than life personalities, and I got attention. This is what I wanted, right?

I became a jerk, and I started bullying people that I shouldn’t. Lesser status people didn’t matter, as long as I was feeling somewhat more than what I had been in grade school and middle school. I hurt close friends, but it shouldn’t matter as long as I was seen as something more than I was, right?

It carried all the way through my senior year, where after we were getting prepared to move back out to California. I decided that I wanted to try and be myself, be honest. I was tired of being fake, and I wanted to be someone better than I had been in school. I think this part will be better for another blog.

Thank you for joining my journey on the flawed state of my life, and seeing where hindsight is a bit useless. Just use them as lessons and that’s the best way to use those lessons to become something better. Stay tuned as I will be writing another part to come out next week. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

# Building a Better Me

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As this is the first blog of the year, I’m thinking that focusing on this where I can improve, and what I have improved on is going to be a good place to start. So, with that being said, why build a better me? Why should anyone care, and why should anybody want to build a better version of themselves? My answer to that becomes a bit more focused on the fact that people never stop growing, evolving. This is a great reason to start working on the better version on yourself.

This comes down to a series of difficult tasks that most people have problems doing. Hell, the steps I took, were hard, and often times even more difficult to accept. First off, self awareness and evaluation take front and center. To be able to grasp taking that hard look at yourself, you’ve got to be able to let ego go. This is so much harder to do than just saying that it can be done. It’s like having to see yourself as the world see you, and not the disillusioned version that we all tend to think of ourselves. Truth is, it sucks.

When you peel away the ego and get that hard look at yourself, you might not like what you see. I know that I didn’t. Realizing that my ego was over compensating for the fact that I wasn’t the great guy I thought I was, that hurt. What was worse, finding out that I was a bit shitty to people as well, and I hurt good people in the process. How do we get through this? How do we accept the new reality?

Maybe we should start with, why? Why did we get to this point in life? How did this sweet child end up being close to egotistical?

I think the first thing is to admit that we are fragile. Male, female, non-binary, we all have something inside of us that makes us fragile. I remember being a sensitive child who’s feelings got hurt constantly by the children I was surrounded by for five days a week. Even as I was little, I felt like I needed to be able to do anything just as well, if not better than everyone else. Often times that would end up causing more issues and blow up in my face, than not.

The feeling of wanting to belong and fit in, I think might have been part of what caused me to feel that way. I tried for years to do whatever I could to become part of the popular crowd. It’s only natural to want to fit in. It’s a survival tool, not wanting to be focused on as the object of bullying.

I should also point out that even talking about this makes me hypocritical because I too had found people that I thought was less than me, and I bullied them as well. The sad part is, that hindsight is the worst superpower in the world, and at that time of my own life, I don’t think I really thought anything about it. Picking on lessers was part of the natural order after all.

So, I go about life as a kid not accepting the responsibilities that were in my life, and that my issues were caused by something else. Though the loneliness also caused me to want to die. Don’t get me wrong, I did have friends, and I wasn’t a complete asshole to everyone, but I did have some of those days. Just like watching my own kids, I remember fighting with friends and telling each other about how much we hated their guts. I also remember being back to being friends not that long later.

As I got older, things seemed to get better, the loneliness stuck around, even when I was with a group of friends. The girls I liked, weren’t usually interested, and I tried so hard to be cool. I had a friend in junior high tell me that I needed to stop trying so hard, because I was already cool. Ego didn’t want to hear any part of that conversation. I didn’t seem to have the feeling of being cool or popular. Though after my accident, I learned that I wasn’t as unpopular as I thought. Though, that didn’t stick in my mind.

I just want to point out that as I’ve mentioned in other blogs, my mind has always been my worst enemy.

It was after my accident that I got to dance with a girl for the first time. I initially rejected her, because she wasn’t the girl I really wanted to dance with. Yet, we ended up dancing together at several dances, and she’s a wonderful person. Then I got to dance with the girl, the one I wanted to be with so badly. We had a few dances, and she has been a good friend of mine ever since. Yet, somewhere in that brain of mine, I still didn’t think I was ever good enough.

I’ll finish that story in my next blog, but I want to analyze somethings. Being self-involved, I didn’t see the kinds of struggles that others go through. In particular that popular girls that I totally crushed on. I didn’t look at what kind of value I brought anybody, I just felt that if I was better at things, if I was better looking, if I was just more, then maybe someone would let me know that I was worth something. As I sit here now, I don’t think that thought process would have changed, even if it hit me in the face like a baseball bat.

As I look back, most of it was trivial and I should have be able to handle things better. Thinking about how kids yell at us, telling us that we don’t understand, we do. I just think that sometimes we don’t think that those issues are a big deal, especially at that time in their lives. That’s an aspect that I sometimes forget about, as I brush of the child because I’m busy doing something. I think this is something every generation deals with. Not that it’s really that much different, but kids today do seem like they are more self aware than we were at that age.

Stay tuned as I write a part too, and also be on the look out as I’m going to be doing a new podcast on the whole concept of building a better me. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Covid-19 Up in This Mother

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I avoided it like a quick reacting ninja for the last two years, as it was closer than expected at my last job, but now as we hit close to the third year of this pandemic, my wife had tested positive with Covid-19. So we’ve a family full of sick people, myself being one, but my test came out negative.

Note that I started this a few days ago, and I ended up being sick for a bit of time.

Sarah had been sick for a few days even before we got tested. She was laid out bad, and I know with there immune compromised system, that she takes most illnesses harder than many people that I know. It seems that it takes twice as long to get over as well. So, with her, Lily and, myself on the quarantine route, I had found myself coming down with something not even a day later.

I hate being cooped up. That’s something I’ve hated ever since I went into my weight loss journey. That, and the fact that I’ve taken a break from being overly invested in doing martial arts at the gym, I’m feeling a bit disappointed with myself because I miss being active and I need to get back into training. Especially now that I’m almost ready for my Yoga cert.

Sometimes, that break, and the reflection in life is required to get that focus back in, so that one can continue on the path of success. This pandemic has been a mixed bag since the beginning. It started out that it didn’t completely affect me too bad as I was already on the night shift as it was. So, beside seeing fewer people during my shift, I was able to focus on paying down some debts, and it helped to keep things in a positive perspective.

The hard part was watching helplessly as people that I know were passing from this disease, just to hear that it was just a “flu”. When it gets said like that, I feel a tinge of arrogance with those words. Even if it’s not meant that way. It bugs me, and this was before people I actually cared about. Most people I’ve observed say that hadn’t seemed to have lost anybody to it, or someone of a significant impact on their lives.

The biggest issue with this is the fact that it seems to me, that opinions are coming from a political point of view. The fact about the vaccine doesn’t even seem to be the issue. It’s from the point of view that it’s being forced on people, and in turn invading their rights. With that being said, I got the vaccine long before they decided to make it mandatory. It was a choice that I made to help protect my family, and if something evil or wicked comes from this choice, I’ve made my piece with it.

Note that since the second section, I did get retested:

As I was getting ready to go back to work, and having the symptoms that I did, I decided that I would get another test, and get my doctor’s not to go back to work. It was going to be smooth, and easy. I got the news on Dec. 14th, that I had a positive test result. So, I’m off work until after Christmas, it’s gonna hurt a bit, but we’ll survive, that’s something I’ve always been known for, as survivor. I just have to be creative with a few things. Overall, I feel much better than I did, and I hope that it was the vaccine, and the fact that I’m in relatively good health that helped me through this. With that, an illness has gone through this house, whether it was a bug, or Covid, the whole household has ended up sick.

I spent most of the this time in lock down either playing Stardew Valley, or watching movies. I just finished my last quiz for yoga, and started to take the test. I figure that I’ll get back to that in a while, so I’m gonna finish writing this blog, and start going over some of my scripts and giving them the polish that need so that I can get back to writing the rest of the stories. I’m gonna start working out again, as I’m giving myself the time to actually stop being lazy and set myself up a workout, and training regiment. I feel that I’ve waisted enough time, and while I was looking to get back to work, I’m gonna plan on getting back out there and kicking ass.

With that being said, I feel that I’m going to cut this blog a little short and get back to doing other things. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Motivation

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I’ve been sitting on this topic for a little bit, and I was trying to figure things out. How am I to continue this? That’s one of those things that had been lingering for a long time. I find my mode of thought, and my life style has been thrown into a different perspective this year.

It’s not bad, I mean new job, mentally I’ve been good, physically I’m going alright. I just find that my motivation has been kind of hampered.

Here’s the real question, what happens when you reach the goals for your motivation? I was lost and I wanted to better my professional situation, which in turn bettered other aspects and focuses in my life. What’s next? I remember that I had a job that kept me active most of the day. I’m in a different kind of job, that isn’t as active physically as it was. I find that as I went into this job, that I ended up getting busy with other things, and I ended up not having enough time to finish all the things that I wanted.

This is where I’m at: burned out on several levels because I was apparently doing too much, and I would find myself, just not accomplishing anything but video games, or watching television. This is where I got stuck. I need to take a bit more time in my day and focus on the stuff I’m truly passionate about.

So with that, I’ve stepped away from coaching, and the martial arts training for now. I love the kids, and teaching is something that I do love, but again, I was getting burned out because I wasn’t able to be creative enough. That’s one of those issues being a creative individual, creation is key to life. It’s hard to explain if you’ve not been there.

I also loved the martial arts training that I was doing and I will be back at it, but my other focus has become that I want to become a better personal trainer, and again feeling the burn out wasn’t allowing me to be as productive as I wanted.

So, I’ve been on break for a couple of weeks now, so what has that done? Well, I finished the a working script for one project I hope to get into production before the end of the year. I’m almost half-way finished with my first full script for my feature film that I’ve been working on for the last five years. I’m also have way through getting my yoga cert. Plus, I’ve gained a couple more personal training clients that’s given me a new kind of challenge.

With my life going at full speed as it has been, I’ve not done a lot with blogging, and I think being busy has kept my mind off of the subjects that I’ve needed to talk about. I miss podcasting and that is also something that I feel that I need to get back into. So now, I’m trying to find a new balance, and motivation to continue to get things back in order.

Let’s also face facts that the last year-and-a-half has put a different set of challenges on everyone’s plates with Covid-19 being a major factor with holding life back. Yet, this has been the year of change, people seem more bitter and mean, and politics are in the forefront of life. It’s scary, and I come from jobs that have shown just how people feel about others. Now it seems more intolerant. Now opinions are no longer respected, and it leads to violence. Did that year of solitude ruin the way people act towards each other? Did we forget how to get along?

It’s truly something to ponder as I look at friends, and people that I get along with, just to see how life has been affecting them. I’ve been surprised by the way some of them have responded to current events and the situations going on. This is why I turned my personal social media into something that promotes my brands. To be honest, I’m finding myself on certain sites a whole lot less these days.

Something I’ve found motivation in though, is that I’m reaching out to people that I find important to me. I know over the last several months, I’ve had friend’s lose loved ones to health reasons. I lost a friend, whom we’d grown apart, to Covid related complications a few week ago.

I’m going to note that this has been two weeks since I started this blog. You know life gets in the way.

So, as I’ve been trying to give myself some time to sort everything up, Covid has hit my family, and we’re all sick together. To me it feels like a head cold and I’ve just been being lazy over this weekend playing video games. I’ve had this headache off and on for the last few days, and it all started with a slight tickle in my throat. With that a bit of that difficulty breathing, like when you get a cold. I think the only problem as we got tested on Friday, I came up negative, but things just seemed to get more intense. I think that I’m okay, and as I laid down last night, I was doing some Ujjayi Pranayama, or as some might know it as yoga breathing. I’ve been studying it for the last month along with the rest of the yoga practices, and I’m not sure if that’s what’s been helping me breath, or if at best hope, I just have a head cold.

It’s funny where my motivation has taken me, and I find that yoga is complex, and I want to master it, because of the health and spiritual benefits that it seems to bring. I’ve also heard that it’s good to go with people who train in martial arts. So, we’ve see where this journey takes me. I’m going to cut this short, because I’m not in my best state for real concentration at the moment, but as always this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Bright Side of Life

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It’s strange that as I sit here, I find that when I started blogging about seven years ago, I was looking for answers. I was lost, and I was in a dark place. I hated myself, I hated the way negative energies around me had caused me to hate myself even more. I hated that I couldn’t escape that same energy in every aspect of my life.

The fact that I had been dealing with depression for my whole life and not knowing how to handle it was at a time that I needed help. I wasn’t sure where to go, and I didn’t know where to go. As things happened at work, I was forced into a situation that got me the help I needed. I just wasn’t ready for that shift that was going to start happening just a little time later.

I spent the next year shutting everything out, trying not to deal with life. I would play video games all day. I would stay shut off in the bedroom, not dealing with my family, because I still wasn’t comfortable with “dealing” with the issues at hand.

I had gotten news about work and that’s when I realized that I needed to start preparing for a possible different future. At that time, LA Film School was just starting to offer an online degree, and I had wanted to take steps to go to film school for several years before. I finally took that chance on my own self in a way I’d never thought of before.

It was a bit after this time that I had decided to start blogging, and talking about my feelings and the struggles that I had been dealing with my whole life. I found that it got easier as I expressed myself through the written word. I had people private message me and talk about their thoughts on it as well. I was finding a positive energy through helping others, and it gave me a different purpose in life.

Maybe it was the fact that it stroke my ego a bit, or maybe I felt so much better by helping others. It gave me a reason to keep going. Blogging also helped me become a much better writer. The story gets better from here, I promise.

So, I had issues as my job, and it was the negativity that came out of it. Co-workers, supervisors, politics, those things that can either make or break the experience of work. As I look back at it now, I come to think that it’s just that it wasn’t the job that satisfied my needs as a creative individual.

About three years after I graduated from film school, I found myself an opportunity to finally get something in the field that I wanted. While it wasn’t making movies, it was something that I would be able to do, while using my creative mind, and find satisfaction. I work in archives, and I love the fact that I get to work with Photoshop all day. I do miss the activeness that I had working security, but I don’t miss dealing with the weather, and the rude people. I’m in a position that I have people that I work with and work for, who show that they appreciate me as a worker and as an individual.

I decided to work on getting my personal trainers certificate, so that I could give the CK Project a bit more to what I had been doing with the weight loss, and it’s taught me things that I continue to improve on. Teaching wrestling and working in other martial arts has been a wonderful experience as well. It’s opened up a whole new avenue of relationships that I wasn’t expecting.

I find it harder to find the things I struggle with, I mean there are things that I’m still dealing with, but those things I’m not ready to discuss just yet, and I may never, due to what it’s about. I’ve always been upfront with my audience, and this is way too deep for me to talk about, maybe someday though.

So, let’s look at the brighter side of life for a minute. Physically I’m in about the best condition that I’ve ever been. I got job satisfaction, that also may lead towards other, and bigger things. I’m not nearly as depressed as I was, because of my physical condition and job satisfaction.

I like blogging, but my life seems to keep me busy and after a stressful time getting my Sports Nutrition Cert, I’ve been at a better place. I’m currently working on yoga as the next thing, and I’m finally writing scripts again. Life is good.

The next thing is, where do we go from here?I feel that this is a market that people still like the info from. I started out with my mental health, then went to weight loss, and then went to mental health and weight loss together. So where do I evolve this from here. Maybe I start giving so research and start blogging about other sciences for getting through the mental and physical journey? Maybe a discussion on what martial arts is showing me, and the chi that’s involved? I’m interested in keeping this going, I just find it hard to pick things out of the air on what’s bothering me anymore.

That could be the lesson from this blog: Patience and hard work is what is needed to get passed the rough times. I used these tools to cope with a world that I wasn’t happy with, and in turn it helped others, but I worked hard to get to where I am, and I’m taking a relaxed pace with things, because I’m still busting my ass off at work, I’m just a bit happier with what I’m doing.

We all have tools at our disposal, and self-reflection is a powerful one. I’m still seeing where I am now, and am constantly learning more on who I was and how I feel about how things have gone. Learning what’s caused my issues is an eye opener. Knowing what I did some of the things I’ve done, has taught me to be a better person.

It’s been awhile, and I’m going to figure out how to evolve this blog, because I still love y’all. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Achieve the Balance

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It’s been months since I’ve blogged, and it’s crazy how things have been going for me. My life has gotten so much busier that if I was too stop everything, I think my head would explode. My personal training certificate has been a nice bonus to add a little income to my brands, and being a youth wrestling coach on top of that has been a blast. I’ve enjoyed watching the kids improve their skills as I’ve been able to partake on their journey. I’ve also been able to make friends with my fellow coaches that’s helped to provide a better work relationship to boot.

I spend several hours a day at the gym, either coaching, or learning. I’ve gotten into the martial arts of Jeet Kune Do, started learning grappling to help with my coaching in wrestling, Brazilian Jujitsu, and Kick Boxing. I find these to be a challenge and fun. I never thought in my life that I would be a martial arts junkie, yet here I am. One style that caught me off-guard was Tai Chi. I know that it’s often thought of as the old person’s martial art, but let me tell you that I’ve had the most insane experience with it.

Sam had me try it for something a bit different. I slowed down weight training to try a few new things, and on the particular day that I tried it for the first time, it caught me in my emotions. As hard as I have strived over the years for improving myself, there are still aspects of my life that I realize are unbalanced, and the movements and energy just brought everything up to the surface. I find myself needing more structure and discipline. I need focus, which is something I thought I had, but apparently I don’t.

I’ve been struggling with getting my next certificate in personal training because I’ve lost focus. I don’t want to say that I’ve ben depressed, because it doesn’t feel like it normally does, but I will say that my mind is easily distracted lately. Maybe I’m doing do much? Maybe with everything going on in life, uncontrolled events, I just lost the drive to do things.

That’s something that I should address, my stepmother, the lady who raised me, had spent time in a hospital earlier this month because she fell and hit her head again. To be honest, I thought that I was going to have to say goodbye to her. She was in scary bad shape, and it was hard to see her like that. Something that makes it harder is the news that it seems that she’s in the first stages of dementia, and that isn’t easy to deal with.

I’ve come to realize that I’m at an age where mortality is becoming very real, and watching my parents health decline has been an uncomfortable situation for me. I’ve mentioned when the age that I was going to start expecting my parents to pass, that sad part is that the time frame I had predicted has started to really come into view.

So with these events going on in my life, I’ve been struggling for my Sports Nutrition certification. I’ve been working on the last couple of questions that have involved a case study, and honestly I feel done. I didn’t even get to finish the study. I want my cert, but I think that everything is finally hitting me. I guess that’s where my depression is at right now. I’m going to get through it, and I just have that feeling of giving up and crawling under a rock for a while. It sucks, but again, I know that I’ll get through this.

On a plus side, I’ve got plans for my next cert, as I’m going to be learning Yoga to add to the services that I already provide my clients, and I might start teaching a class at some point. As for what the end goal is, I do have a plan, just Yoga kind of fell in my lap. I’m thinking that this will be a great way to get my stretching in. I’ll be the first to admit that I could stretch more than I do.

I also have to mention with all the mixed emotions and turn of events in my life, I’ve been doing the Media Specialist job for seven months now. Outside of working on movies, this has been the best job I’ve ever had. I like my boss, and I like my supervisor. The cool part is that I’m appreciated, and I’m able to help teach them somethings as well. This is a job that allows me to use my artistic mind on the things that I do.

Another positive is that Sarah’s Crohn’s Disease hasn’t seemed to gotten worse, and her arm has better range. I’ve been able to watch her and Christopher II learn and practice Jeet Kune Do as something to help them out as well. I think it’s helped Sarah with her range of motion. I think it’s going to help Christopher with his coordination, as he really like the teacher of the class. As a side note, that teacher has said that he’s learned from my coaching to take a bit more time with one of the people, since I tend to work more with the smaller children during wrestling practice.

With everything that’s been going on, there are times that I do feel that I should quit coaching and being a personal trainer. It’s not that I’m not good at either, it’s just I’ve realized lately that I’m feeling burned out. Sarah says that she recognizes it because I tend to do that, spread myself too thin. Yet, I always feel that I can handle it, even though I should know better.

One of those realizations that I’ve had was that I’ve been pushing off being creative, telling myself that I’ll do it as soon as I’m done with the subject at hand. It never seems to come though, and I really need to get back to work, because that’s where my passion is in life. Creating and making movies, shorts, and other content. It was easier at the other job, when I had time to sit down and write while off on some remote place, doing my job. The Media Specialist is a great job, it’s just surprising how busy it keeps me, and that is something that I love about my job. Plus I do feel appreciated and it doesn’t go unnoticed, like I’ve mentioned before.

So, I find myself trying to figure out what it is I’m going to do. Do I keep going on the path I’m currently on, or do I finally take a step back to be creative, because it doesn’t seem like I have much time to do both? I’m sure that this is where I am currently and that things will work out, because I’ve got so much going on in my head right now. Plus there’s the fact that Pennsylvania is calling to me, because my maternal mother’s memorial is coming up the first weekend in October, and I feel that I should be there for that. I do miss my nieces that it would be great to spend a little time with them.

As I reflect, and find balance in life, I’m sure the answers will happen. People say that it’s happens in His time, and I’m not against that idea. Maybe the fates have other ideas for me? I think I need to meditate further for reflection. Thanks for taking a bit of time out of your day to remember that I’m still around, and that I do try to get to the blogging, but the past year and a half has been crazy. This is the Director and that’s a wrap.

Thoughts For The Moment

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I know that it’s been awhile, and I want to apologize as things have kept me busier than ever. The check list includes, working on getting my second certificate for my personal training, coaching youth wrestling, writing scripts, working a full-time job, and training three to five clients for personal training. It leaves my weekends the only time to get a break, however, this is the only time I can seem to work on my creative things as well. It seems that taking a break, makes me feel guilty, but I get overwhelmed from not doing the film stuff like I want.

So much has gone on since the last time I put a blog out. I’m coming into my own as a coach, I’m now learning and practicing the martial art of Jeet Kune Do, and I’ve been trying to change up my workout routine to get a better benefit from it. A couple of things that really seemed to hit home was Mother’s Day, and the loss of a former co-worker.

While Mother’s Day, is a date to celebrate the mother’s in my life: my wife, my mom, etc. I somehow had a sad, troubled feeling this year. While I’m grateful that I have the mother of my children around, and tried to make it the best I could, I thought about the things that has happened to the women I call mom.

I lost my maternal mother last year to Covid-19 related complications. I wasn’t close to her and I didn’t really know her for most of my life, but ending up in Pennsylvania last year, was a learning experience in the love she had for all her children, as I was never away from her mind. I have wished that I would have handled things a bit differently in my relationship with her, but I found a piece that I had been missing my whole life. I found that I connected with my siblings as well.

Now, my step-mother is the woman who raised me, and she treated me as if I was her own. It helped that her and my father had been life long friends. She’s loved, cared for, and been there for me my entire life. With that being said, it was hard for me this year to be happy for Mother’s Day because it’s hard to see the woman who raised me, not be the same person as she was.

She suffered a major head trauma several years ago, and with her and my father aging and deteriorating, it’s hard to watch what time is doing to them. She barely seems to function anymore, and I get the feelings that she’s on the last legs of her life. It’s not something that comes easy to admit, but that’s the feeling that keeps pulling at my gut.

Mother’s Day was hard again, as I watch the effects of Crohn’s Disease with my wife. She has good days, and some bad. I’m glad she’s a fighter, but at the same time I’m sad because she can’t do all the things she would like to do, or feel the way she used to feel. I watch as she’s come to having to fight her own battles with depression, and her own validity in life. Then I feel like I’ve not done my duties to help her feel better as she’d been my rock through my own mental health battles.

Coming to terms with the change of dynamic in our relationship has been a personal battle for me, though in the end, we’ll always have each other’s backs.

Now I want to speak on the passing of a young man, with whom I had the privilege to work with, even if it was for a brief time. I’m disclosing the fact that I don’t talk about the job I used to do, but at this time, I’m going to speak on it a bit. I used to be a guard and I had a chance to work with a variety of people, from police, to Navy personnel. Travis Griffin was a Navy Master-At-Arms, when I had to privilege to work with on the gates. He was tall, polite, and had a good aura of fun loving that surrounded him.

I befriended him and watched him become a father, then get out of the military and find his journey in life. I was shaken by the fact that his life had ended so soon, as he was a bit younger than me. I know that many of the people that he worked with here, was proud of the man he was becoming and happy for the accomplishments that he made.

Life gets busy and we all tend to fall out of contact with people. I have a sadness inside that I hadn’t had reach out to him for a few years, but through the miracle of social media, I was able to see that he had been doing well. So his death was a bit shocking at that moment.

The sobering part of life is this, as I’ve hit my forties, I’m starting to see more people pass away. Some of them passed for poor choices, and then there are those who’ve started to pass away from more natural causes. I’ve even seen a few close calls for people I wouldn’t have expected health issues to show up. Life is busy, and I think that sometimes we get too caught up in our own heads that we tend to forget to reach out and let people know that we’re thinking of them.

I think that social media has taken up that slack for keeping up, but again we more share about how we’re doing, but I know that I’m guilty of not reaching out to those that matter the most to me. I love them and think of them often, but as long as things seem to be going well on Facebook, I don’t always reach out and say hi. I know that I’ve got those friends who would and have admitted the same.

It really wasn’t until a few years ago that I had lost too many people that I had some real connection too. I lost a friend in an accident, and she wasn’t wearing her seat belt. That was the moment that I realized that I’m reaching a point in my life where I’m going to lose more people that I do care about. It’s not something that a person would like as a reminder that we’re all getting older.

On the positive side of things: life just seems to be getting better all the time. Mentally, I’m in the best place that I’ve been in a long time. As busy as my day’s get anymore, I love what I’m doing. Both jobs are great and I’m making some of the best connections and relationships of my life. Plus I’m doing things that I wouldn’t have thought about doing-wrestling coach. It’s crazy, fun, and challenging. The reward is getting the smiles out of my kids when they do something good.

The other perk to the wrestling job, is that I’m showing kids who don’t feel like they belong any place, that they are accepted and cared for. As a coach, I care about how they are doing mentally as well as having fun. I’ve taken a few of my kids aside just to make sure that they were okay mentally. I think that’s where my strength comes in as a coach, that I care, and it’s not all about winning metals or bouts. I’ve had some parents tell me that their kid has had a positive influence being under my instruction. I’m humbled by that, because there are times that I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing, or that I feel like I’m not a very good coach. That gives me some hope and pride to know that I’m having that positive impact on a young person’s life. I think it’s catching on because I’ve given a few students nick names and other coaches are calling them those names.

I’m sorry that it was so long since my last blog, and I know that I keep saying that I’m going to do better. I do mean it. Anyway, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

Default: Overwhelmed

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Over the last several years, I’ve done a huge amount of things to help myself become a better version of the person I was. I’ve grown, learned, and gained so much more in experiences that I could ever really express. I’ve got so much that I want to do, which has been stated in blogs, podcasts, and social media posts. Here’s the issue I keep running into-I get overwhelmed. This is becoming a problem at times, because I don’t get things done because I am getting overwhelmed.

It might be the fact that I seem to have poor time management, or it might be the fact that I’m still trying to find balance in more aspects of life. I’m not sure, but I do seem to keep busy most of the week. First I work for nine hours a day, that includes an one hour lunch. A few of those days, I’m trying to squeeze in a personal training session just so that it can help open up my evening after I get done with my day.

I get home after four in the afternoon, just so I might be able to eat before I go down to the gym and open up for youth wrestling at five o’clock. Practice runs until six-thirty, and I do this for three-days-a-week. Then I go home and take care of relaxing, while trying to also get writing, or studying in before nine or ten at night. Then I shower, and relax for bed. I guess that is a bit busy? It just seems like I don’t have enough time to actually just relax, even my weekends are busy doing things. It’s more fun sure, and it’s not like I’m not enjoying the other aspects in life, I’m just trying to focus and get things done. That overwhelming feeling I get just throws me off my game, and I feel like I revert back into playing video games or watching movies. While it’s not horrible that my life is going this way, I do like writing and I can’t wait to get filming something. I just feel that I want to get so much done, and not all of it is going the way I was expecting.

I apologize for the bitch fest, I’ve just felt overwhelmed and I want to get that focus back. I also spend most of my weekend committed to family and friends, and I have no regrets for how I spend my weekend, I just realize that my last job seemed to be easier to work around, but then I wasn’t doing nearly as much as I’m seemingly doing now.

How do you feel time should be managed? Do you ignore some things, so that you can enjoy others? Being a writer, content creator, trying to manage my physical health, mental health, my relationships with friends and family, it just sometimes seems like it might just be too be a lot.

My ten-thousand-step life has gone down hill meeting the goals, and I try to compensate by playing Just Dance to help get steps up. It works, just pushes my night to go longer, then I”m looking to possibly assist another class on Tuesdays, and Thursdays, which will also keep my evening busy. I think I’ll have to schedule my podcasting to a set time, and do each on opposite weekends. That does sound like a plan.

I must not forget about keeping up with the social media posts, keeping positive, and helping others. What are some of the things that keep you busy? Do you have any tips for not getting overwhelmed?

I remember telling my sister that I kept busy so that I didn’t have time to get negative thoughts in my head. She told me that being busy was good, but it wasn’t helping me deal with the issues at hand. I actually think that she was right. I notice a bad habit is that when things get too much, I tend to procrastinate and shut down at times. I’ve gotten better, but I know that I need to still address some of those issues that I deal with.

Too that, I do have things that I’m absolutely thankful for. One is that I have a job that I love. I’ve had jobs that I’ve enjoyed in the past. I’ve had those that I’ve found something about the job itself to keep me going, and I’ve also had jobs I couldn’t stand. This job however keeps me engaged, and my day seems to go by quickly, for most of the days. The wrestling part, is fun, I enjoy teaching and guiding the kids to learn and grow as people. Twelve hours in my day tends to go by fairly quick, and if it’s a day that I do work out, then I’m usually ready for be around nine-or-ten-at-night. It actually makes me feel old too, and it’s always a night of solid sleep.

I’m hoping to be able to find some time during my week to get out the content, such as a podcast, on my last night of work. I’ve got a team working on other things for me, yet they all have lives, and some have medical issues. I know that what I’m doing now will pay off, but again, I feel overwhelmed at times. Do you know what the worst part of getting overwhelmed is? My answer is that I shut down and don’t do anything constructive, except play video games.

As much as I’ve been a gamer, I realized some time ago that it’s just a distraction from the rest of the world. Worst part is there are times that I find it to just waste time. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with video games, as they are entertainment, just like movies and television, but again, I feel that I could and should be doing something more constructive with my time. I guess that is part of my growth. I mean I go to film school because I love television and movies, and I seem to hardly give at least the television much of my time. Even Youtube is all about me watching tutorials on becoming a better filmmaker, or some health/wellness things. It might involve a few other things as well though.

On a bright note, I woke up Monday morning, got ready for work and actually had a fairly productive day with work, coaching, and a few errands. Some days it actually does amaze me to realize how busy I get. I’m sure that whatever I’ve been feeling, it will eventually balance itself out. Maybe, I’m just being impatient with trying to adjust to everything? Life is overall running smooth, I just wish that I was getting more done in my day, but then I would lose sleep, and after thirteen years of a shitty sleep schedule, I’m actually getting a decent amount of sleep during my work week, and I think that’s great.

Speaking of sleep, it’s an essential part of life running smoothly. It helps with weight, and functioning well. I used to feel weird when I had anything more then four or five hours sleep. Now that I’m getting six-to-six-and-a-half-hours of sleep, I don’t feel so strange. I can’t even believe that I’ve been at my new job for a month-and-a-half now. The crazy part is that my days go by so much faster than I was expecting, and I enjoy being able to use my creative eye with my job. I feel that it will help me become better with filmmaking as well. After all, I always try to do things that serve more than one purpose.

Before we wrap things up, let’s revisit a few things. What happens to you when you get overwhelmed? Do you find ways to overcome that feeling? What tactics do you find useful? Do you feel that fear can be a motivator for being overwhelmed? Please feel free to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com and share your thoughts, or you could leave your comments here on WordPress, and it would help spark a conversation that I’d love to have on this forum.

Remember that you’re not alone in the struggle, there are those who will listen, me being just one of those people. There are also professionals out there to teach you how to cope with whatever might be troubling you. If you need professional help, contact me and I’m sure that I can get you pointed in the right direction, as I’m friends with professionals, and I have people that can help guide you to the appropriate help that is required.

With that being said, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

Remember What It’s For

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We all falter at times, and do I feel like I’ve been constantly faltering for three last year. I know it was over a year ago that I was fighting to keep the momentum going and it was the first time that I had to take the rest of the week off from work. While it was a point that stopped me dead in my tracks for my workout momentum, it was also a blessing as it gave me enough time to finally heal my ankle up fully. It was also the start of the pandemic, something that none of us knew would change the way life would continue on.

It was at this time that I was still early on my next time on the nightshift, a co-worker and mine had been doing Starbucks after work on my last shift for the week, and life was pretty good. It was also the time that we wouldn’t know how political everything would be for the next year. In all of “this” excitement, we wouldn’t know what things we were going to be missing, or how we would feel about having our “freedoms” attacked. God, I try to keep away from the politics in my blogs, but this last year just seemed so politically heavy. That, or maybe it was just the first time that I really started to pay attention, and see just how ugly people can get towards each other over differencing points of view.

I’m not sure if it was the fact that we couldn’t go workout, or the fact that my momentum being stopped, just kind of helped cause me to loose my way, but somehow I just stopped being as motivated. I remember that I did try to keep up with my momentum at home. I was still trying to eat right, and I know my workouts started to fall off the grid during that time. Yet, it wasn’t like I stopped wanting to exercise. I know that I was keeping up with my steps. I just wasn’t pushing or pulling the iron like I used too. As with that, I gradually just stopped concerning myself with the work out.

I did however think that I was still being a bit more mindful of how I was eating, but I think that it kind of got out of hand and the bad habits started to creep back in again. I keep thinking that it wouldn’t hurt just one, which added up to more than just one. However, I wasn’t going to let that guilt me into anything too bad. I did maintain the weight for a good amount of time. It’s just now I’ve got to get back on track.

Now I find myself in a job that does more sitting than standing, and I am still figuring out how to keep active while working. At least I’m starting to find the momentum that I need to adjust to the new schedule, and I’m getting a routine for everything. I have also find that I preferred to workout during the lunch hour, and I started to do my personal training sessions during my lunch break. I think that this will be better in the long run.

The time to stop feeling sorry for myself is now. I remember that part of why I started this was to be an inspiration, and now I’m in a position to actually help people get healthier. I got my personal trainers certificate for that reason exactly and that’s part of my intention. I was able to help assistant coach a wrestling team, and I look forward to helping the youth become better athletes in that sport as well. I was told that I had promise as a coach. I hope that it helps me become more confident in helping others obtain their goals as well.

The last month in the new job has been unexpected, and I didn’t realize that it would take time to adjust to a different definition on what normal is. I was active with a uniform and heavy gear for several years, and to go unto another extreme has taken some time to adjust. It’s different when the whole environment has a different dynamic. It’s strange not having to just depend on myself for everything. I love that the job is a new type of challenge and engages my creativity. I find that to be an important factor as a creative mind. I’m able to use my talents to contribute to something bigger than myself.

Have you ever questioned the meaning of life? I think it’s defined differently for every individual out there. I do believe that there’s commonality amongst people thought. For me, it’s about adding to something bigger than myself. Helping others, is just part of what puts satisfaction for me. With that, things sometimes slip away without realizing it, and the focus can be lost. Does that mean it’s a bad thing? Is motivation so easy to forget? I think that I ask myself more than anyone else, because I remember the way I used to feel when I was out of control in my life. The feelings of not belonging in my own body. This isn’t a pleasant feeling, and I’ll fight like hell not to get back there.

Yet, here I am, and I’ve gained some weight back, and lost some motivation. I’m fighting against those feelings, and as of last night, I started to remember that motivation. I can get control back, and it’s not always going to be easy to get things done. I’m just glad that I’ve gotten the opportunity to help coach a wrestling team, and motivate the youth in becoming better versions of themselves. I find that being an instigator is a valuable tool in my skillset because when I talk “shit” I think it helps to motivate them to try harder. Sarah tells me that I’m good with the kids because I’m likable. It might be something to do with my sense of humor as well, but who knows?

I hope that I can find the full determination that I once had. I know that hitting the plateau for as long as I did was one of the hardest and most discouraging things that happened to me. Plus adding on a pandemic and several crazy months towards the end of the year, didn’t seem to help any. Again, that’s enough of the bullshit excuses. Now that I’ve reflected on how things have gone down, and I have my personal trainers certification, I’m ready to get back on track and kick as much ass as possible.

Now it’s time to get back onto some podcasting and various other creative content, as we’ve been developing our comedy, and I’ve been working on my mafia series. I just can’t wait until we can put everything together. I also know that wanting to get things done has been a bit overwhelming, and I’ve not been able to get things done. I feel that there’s a change coming on so that I can get back to finishing these things I’d like done.

So, what motivates you? Have you lost it? Do you want to be motivated? Leave a comment down below. If you haven’t liked or subscribed, please do so. I find that you input matters and I would love to have a conversation with you, the reader. If you feel too embarrassed to put yourself out there like that, you can always e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com. Your feelings are important, and you never know a friendship could be formed, and there are others who probably feel the way you do. I know that I’ve found a community of supporters that provide a safe space where most aren’t as judgmental as you might think.

As I’m finding the new rhythm in life, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

The Three Link Circle and What Motivates You?

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I heard a saying throughout my life, that always talked about the mind, body, and spirit. The three are linked and it’s amazing how much it truly is linked. I think it was more prominent when I lost all the weight originally and started to feel the body and my mind really feel a bit more in sync. Yet, I’ve not been feeling in sync much lately. I’m trying to be motivated, but things have been a bit rough lately.

With that being said, I love my job, but I think that I’ve been hiding behind that as an excuse for why I’ve not been working out regularly. I know that most aspects of my life are good, I just find that I’m not as motivated as I could be. I saw that guy, and I know who he is, I just can’t seem to hold up those expectations that I once had. Again, I know that it’s an excuse. I’m sure most people can relate, right? I’m sure that if I keep fighting, I’ll find it again, after all I do have the means and the knowledge to get there.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve gained a little weight from the pandemic, and lack of motivation, but my body hasn’t been feeling right, and I also know that I’m starting to find that pace I need to get back on track, which I know is contradictory to what I stated, however, I know it’s there, I just need to say fuck it and go for it. I won’t lie, I’ve been overwhelmed about things in life. I’ve got all these things that I want to do, but being overly ambitious isn’t always the best thing to be. It can lead to mental fatigue. I bet you’re thinking, “Wait a minute Chris, I thought you had your shit together?” I only wish that was true. I’m sure that this is just a phase and I’ll get through it, I’m just finding that it’s been hard to get back into the groove of things. Even with things going so much better than I had planned.

Again, it feels like I’m making an excuse, because I really do want to be that beacon that I once was. So I guess that physically I’m not in sync with the mental part of me. I just need to actually switch my mindset. I hadn’t realized that I would be so busy with work, and maybe that’s what I’m trying to get used too. My last job, gave me certain freedoms that kept me able to concentrate on other things. Now, I’m just trying to figure out what I need to do to take my breaks and do a bit of activity. I’ve been able to move boxes around, and honestly, I’m able to get about two-miles in my little building during the day, including a bit of walking before and during lunch.

That’s it, I just need to finish finding that rhythm and go for it. I’m already feeling better, by talking it out here on this blog. However the question still hasn’t been asked, or stated anywhere; what’s your motivation? What is it that drives you to do better? Not being the person that I used to be is probably the biggest motivator for me. I’m finding that I’m having to tweak different, small aspects of what I’ve been doing to find the right path. Maybe I need to find something in the middle of my day to help get back on track. As a matter of fact, I’m gonna try to do my workout during my lunch to help get things back on the right path. My job has been very physically demanding with what we’ve been currently working on.

What about the spiritual path, where does that healthy aspect of life fall in line? Some find going to church and having fellowship is what helps to refresh and renew the relationship with the deity that they choose to worship. Some, find that working out in the gym is their path to the spiritual realm. For me, it’s when I go for my 10,000 step walk, on a “mostly” regularly basis. I’ve fallen a bit flat with that, but again, I’m adjusting, which I did say feels like an excuse, but I’m finding that adjusting to the new life change has really put me into something of a surprising nature with finding out how much the work has put a demand on me. I do love it though, because it’s a fulfilling job, for my energies and mentally. I love the positive atmosphere.

Things are also just seeming to fall in place for other aspects in life. The only part that I don’t have much change for the better is Sarah and her Crohn’s. That’s frustrating and leaves me feeling for her as there’s not really much that I can do for her. I can only say and do so much, but I do care, and I know that she knows that. Again, there’s only so much that I can do.

I’m taking some other movements that hopefully help get and get the brands going in a better way. Sarah has been working on prototypes for merchandise, and I’m glad that she can things to do that won’t irritate her arm, and gives her something that helps her feel useful. I believe that she even said that she was finding it “fun and exciting”.

Circling around to that link, between the three aspects in life that are most important for the self-well being: physically, mentally, spiritually. It’s like links in a chain, it’s only as strong as its weakest. I know that it sounds cliché, but there’s reasons that they fit so appropriately. I gained a bit of weight, and I feel it. It’s thrown my balance in those links off. Mentally, because my physical link is off, is also off. For my spirit, it’s always battling with itself, yet I will endure.

My critique is this; I felt that this blog might have gone a bit all over the place. I’ve been working on it off and on for the last week, and quite frankly, I’m glad that I am starting to get a rhythm going with this life change that I’ve been handed. It’s all about building a better version of myself, and career wise counts just as much as physically, mentally, and spiritually. They all are linked, and a good career, can help to enhance all of those things. Getting away from toxic environments helps with these things. Getting away from negative influences helps with these things.

I think that the next thing I really need to work on is time management, it feels like I’ve got so much to do, or at least what I want to do. I find that it gets overwhelming at times, and I wish that I could get more done everyday. It’s a job to keep working on the physical health, mental health, and spiritual health. The goals I have are going to be obtained, it’s just a matter of hard work and focus. Most people don’t see, or don’t get the kind of work that goes into success. There are memes that talk about the iceberg of success, and I know that if I keep going I will get there. Though curve balls tend to get in the way from time to time.

So, where have you been on your path? Do you know what direction that your life is going? Do you wanna talk about it? You can always feel free to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com. I really want to hear from you. I want to start a conversation that would be mutually enriching for the both of us. Remember too like, subscribe, and please share the blogs. There may be someone you know that might find some inspiration in the words that I write. I’ve been fortunate to have people tell me that they’re glad that I have the “bravery” to share my story. I appreciate all the love and support that I’ve been shown through the years. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.