Author: CK Project

In 2011, I started the CK Project as a way to hold myself accountable during my weight loss journey. In 2013 I had a mental breakdown and almost ended my life. A year later I found myself in a position to reflect on my choices in life and decided to turn my life around. I started blogging on Facebook to help myself heal, and to show others that my mental health struggles weren’t the end of my journey. I used this as therapy, and a way to reach out to others who might be struggling. In 2016, I started blogging on Wordpress, and it was a way to help spread the word of my own experiences. I got back into the weight loss journey in 2017 and had the Gastric Sleeve done in December 2017. I’m open about my struggles with depression and anxiety that sometimes comes with it.

Default: Overwhelmed

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Over the last several years, I’ve done a huge amount of things to help myself become a better version of the person I was. I’ve grown, learned, and gained so much more in experiences that I could ever really express. I’ve got so much that I want to do, which has been stated in blogs, podcasts, and social media posts. Here’s the issue I keep running into-I get overwhelmed. This is becoming a problem at times, because I don’t get things done because I am getting overwhelmed.

It might be the fact that I seem to have poor time management, or it might be the fact that I’m still trying to find balance in more aspects of life. I’m not sure, but I do seem to keep busy most of the week. First I work for nine hours a day, that includes an one hour lunch. A few of those days, I’m trying to squeeze in a personal training session just so that it can help open up my evening after I get done with my day.

I get home after four in the afternoon, just so I might be able to eat before I go down to the gym and open up for youth wrestling at five o’clock. Practice runs until six-thirty, and I do this for three-days-a-week. Then I go home and take care of relaxing, while trying to also get writing, or studying in before nine or ten at night. Then I shower, and relax for bed. I guess that is a bit busy? It just seems like I don’t have enough time to actually just relax, even my weekends are busy doing things. It’s more fun sure, and it’s not like I’m not enjoying the other aspects in life, I’m just trying to focus and get things done. That overwhelming feeling I get just throws me off my game, and I feel like I revert back into playing video games or watching movies. While it’s not horrible that my life is going this way, I do like writing and I can’t wait to get filming something. I just feel that I want to get so much done, and not all of it is going the way I was expecting.

I apologize for the bitch fest, I’ve just felt overwhelmed and I want to get that focus back. I also spend most of my weekend committed to family and friends, and I have no regrets for how I spend my weekend, I just realize that my last job seemed to be easier to work around, but then I wasn’t doing nearly as much as I’m seemingly doing now.

How do you feel time should be managed? Do you ignore some things, so that you can enjoy others? Being a writer, content creator, trying to manage my physical health, mental health, my relationships with friends and family, it just sometimes seems like it might just be too be a lot.

My ten-thousand-step life has gone down hill meeting the goals, and I try to compensate by playing Just Dance to help get steps up. It works, just pushes my night to go longer, then I”m looking to possibly assist another class on Tuesdays, and Thursdays, which will also keep my evening busy. I think I’ll have to schedule my podcasting to a set time, and do each on opposite weekends. That does sound like a plan.

I must not forget about keeping up with the social media posts, keeping positive, and helping others. What are some of the things that keep you busy? Do you have any tips for not getting overwhelmed?

I remember telling my sister that I kept busy so that I didn’t have time to get negative thoughts in my head. She told me that being busy was good, but it wasn’t helping me deal with the issues at hand. I actually think that she was right. I notice a bad habit is that when things get too much, I tend to procrastinate and shut down at times. I’ve gotten better, but I know that I need to still address some of those issues that I deal with.

Too that, I do have things that I’m absolutely thankful for. One is that I have a job that I love. I’ve had jobs that I’ve enjoyed in the past. I’ve had those that I’ve found something about the job itself to keep me going, and I’ve also had jobs I couldn’t stand. This job however keeps me engaged, and my day seems to go by quickly, for most of the days. The wrestling part, is fun, I enjoy teaching and guiding the kids to learn and grow as people. Twelve hours in my day tends to go by fairly quick, and if it’s a day that I do work out, then I’m usually ready for be around nine-or-ten-at-night. It actually makes me feel old too, and it’s always a night of solid sleep.

I’m hoping to be able to find some time during my week to get out the content, such as a podcast, on my last night of work. I’ve got a team working on other things for me, yet they all have lives, and some have medical issues. I know that what I’m doing now will pay off, but again, I feel overwhelmed at times. Do you know what the worst part of getting overwhelmed is? My answer is that I shut down and don’t do anything constructive, except play video games.

As much as I’ve been a gamer, I realized some time ago that it’s just a distraction from the rest of the world. Worst part is there are times that I find it to just waste time. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with video games, as they are entertainment, just like movies and television, but again, I feel that I could and should be doing something more constructive with my time. I guess that is part of my growth. I mean I go to film school because I love television and movies, and I seem to hardly give at least the television much of my time. Even Youtube is all about me watching tutorials on becoming a better filmmaker, or some health/wellness things. It might involve a few other things as well though.

On a bright note, I woke up Monday morning, got ready for work and actually had a fairly productive day with work, coaching, and a few errands. Some days it actually does amaze me to realize how busy I get. I’m sure that whatever I’ve been feeling, it will eventually balance itself out. Maybe, I’m just being impatient with trying to adjust to everything? Life is overall running smooth, I just wish that I was getting more done in my day, but then I would lose sleep, and after thirteen years of a shitty sleep schedule, I’m actually getting a decent amount of sleep during my work week, and I think that’s great.

Speaking of sleep, it’s an essential part of life running smoothly. It helps with weight, and functioning well. I used to feel weird when I had anything more then four or five hours sleep. Now that I’m getting six-to-six-and-a-half-hours of sleep, I don’t feel so strange. I can’t even believe that I’ve been at my new job for a month-and-a-half now. The crazy part is that my days go by so much faster than I was expecting, and I enjoy being able to use my creative eye with my job. I feel that it will help me become better with filmmaking as well. After all, I always try to do things that serve more than one purpose.

Before we wrap things up, let’s revisit a few things. What happens to you when you get overwhelmed? Do you find ways to overcome that feeling? What tactics do you find useful? Do you feel that fear can be a motivator for being overwhelmed? Please feel free to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com and share your thoughts, or you could leave your comments here on WordPress, and it would help spark a conversation that I’d love to have on this forum.

Remember that you’re not alone in the struggle, there are those who will listen, me being just one of those people. There are also professionals out there to teach you how to cope with whatever might be troubling you. If you need professional help, contact me and I’m sure that I can get you pointed in the right direction, as I’m friends with professionals, and I have people that can help guide you to the appropriate help that is required.

With that being said, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

Remember What It’s For

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We all falter at times, and do I feel like I’ve been constantly faltering for three last year. I know it was over a year ago that I was fighting to keep the momentum going and it was the first time that I had to take the rest of the week off from work. While it was a point that stopped me dead in my tracks for my workout momentum, it was also a blessing as it gave me enough time to finally heal my ankle up fully. It was also the start of the pandemic, something that none of us knew would change the way life would continue on.

It was at this time that I was still early on my next time on the nightshift, a co-worker and mine had been doing Starbucks after work on my last shift for the week, and life was pretty good. It was also the time that we wouldn’t know how political everything would be for the next year. In all of “this” excitement, we wouldn’t know what things we were going to be missing, or how we would feel about having our “freedoms” attacked. God, I try to keep away from the politics in my blogs, but this last year just seemed so politically heavy. That, or maybe it was just the first time that I really started to pay attention, and see just how ugly people can get towards each other over differencing points of view.

I’m not sure if it was the fact that we couldn’t go workout, or the fact that my momentum being stopped, just kind of helped cause me to loose my way, but somehow I just stopped being as motivated. I remember that I did try to keep up with my momentum at home. I was still trying to eat right, and I know my workouts started to fall off the grid during that time. Yet, it wasn’t like I stopped wanting to exercise. I know that I was keeping up with my steps. I just wasn’t pushing or pulling the iron like I used too. As with that, I gradually just stopped concerning myself with the work out.

I did however think that I was still being a bit more mindful of how I was eating, but I think that it kind of got out of hand and the bad habits started to creep back in again. I keep thinking that it wouldn’t hurt just one, which added up to more than just one. However, I wasn’t going to let that guilt me into anything too bad. I did maintain the weight for a good amount of time. It’s just now I’ve got to get back on track.

Now I find myself in a job that does more sitting than standing, and I am still figuring out how to keep active while working. At least I’m starting to find the momentum that I need to adjust to the new schedule, and I’m getting a routine for everything. I have also find that I preferred to workout during the lunch hour, and I started to do my personal training sessions during my lunch break. I think that this will be better in the long run.

The time to stop feeling sorry for myself is now. I remember that part of why I started this was to be an inspiration, and now I’m in a position to actually help people get healthier. I got my personal trainers certificate for that reason exactly and that’s part of my intention. I was able to help assistant coach a wrestling team, and I look forward to helping the youth become better athletes in that sport as well. I was told that I had promise as a coach. I hope that it helps me become more confident in helping others obtain their goals as well.

The last month in the new job has been unexpected, and I didn’t realize that it would take time to adjust to a different definition on what normal is. I was active with a uniform and heavy gear for several years, and to go unto another extreme has taken some time to adjust. It’s different when the whole environment has a different dynamic. It’s strange not having to just depend on myself for everything. I love that the job is a new type of challenge and engages my creativity. I find that to be an important factor as a creative mind. I’m able to use my talents to contribute to something bigger than myself.

Have you ever questioned the meaning of life? I think it’s defined differently for every individual out there. I do believe that there’s commonality amongst people thought. For me, it’s about adding to something bigger than myself. Helping others, is just part of what puts satisfaction for me. With that, things sometimes slip away without realizing it, and the focus can be lost. Does that mean it’s a bad thing? Is motivation so easy to forget? I think that I ask myself more than anyone else, because I remember the way I used to feel when I was out of control in my life. The feelings of not belonging in my own body. This isn’t a pleasant feeling, and I’ll fight like hell not to get back there.

Yet, here I am, and I’ve gained some weight back, and lost some motivation. I’m fighting against those feelings, and as of last night, I started to remember that motivation. I can get control back, and it’s not always going to be easy to get things done. I’m just glad that I’ve gotten the opportunity to help coach a wrestling team, and motivate the youth in becoming better versions of themselves. I find that being an instigator is a valuable tool in my skillset because when I talk “shit” I think it helps to motivate them to try harder. Sarah tells me that I’m good with the kids because I’m likable. It might be something to do with my sense of humor as well, but who knows?

I hope that I can find the full determination that I once had. I know that hitting the plateau for as long as I did was one of the hardest and most discouraging things that happened to me. Plus adding on a pandemic and several crazy months towards the end of the year, didn’t seem to help any. Again, that’s enough of the bullshit excuses. Now that I’ve reflected on how things have gone down, and I have my personal trainers certification, I’m ready to get back on track and kick as much ass as possible.

Now it’s time to get back onto some podcasting and various other creative content, as we’ve been developing our comedy, and I’ve been working on my mafia series. I just can’t wait until we can put everything together. I also know that wanting to get things done has been a bit overwhelming, and I’ve not been able to get things done. I feel that there’s a change coming on so that I can get back to finishing these things I’d like done.

So, what motivates you? Have you lost it? Do you want to be motivated? Leave a comment down below. If you haven’t liked or subscribed, please do so. I find that you input matters and I would love to have a conversation with you, the reader. If you feel too embarrassed to put yourself out there like that, you can always e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com. Your feelings are important, and you never know a friendship could be formed, and there are others who probably feel the way you do. I know that I’ve found a community of supporters that provide a safe space where most aren’t as judgmental as you might think.

As I’m finding the new rhythm in life, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

The Three Link Circle and What Motivates You?

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I heard a saying throughout my life, that always talked about the mind, body, and spirit. The three are linked and it’s amazing how much it truly is linked. I think it was more prominent when I lost all the weight originally and started to feel the body and my mind really feel a bit more in sync. Yet, I’ve not been feeling in sync much lately. I’m trying to be motivated, but things have been a bit rough lately.

With that being said, I love my job, but I think that I’ve been hiding behind that as an excuse for why I’ve not been working out regularly. I know that most aspects of my life are good, I just find that I’m not as motivated as I could be. I saw that guy, and I know who he is, I just can’t seem to hold up those expectations that I once had. Again, I know that it’s an excuse. I’m sure most people can relate, right? I’m sure that if I keep fighting, I’ll find it again, after all I do have the means and the knowledge to get there.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve gained a little weight from the pandemic, and lack of motivation, but my body hasn’t been feeling right, and I also know that I’m starting to find that pace I need to get back on track, which I know is contradictory to what I stated, however, I know it’s there, I just need to say fuck it and go for it. I won’t lie, I’ve been overwhelmed about things in life. I’ve got all these things that I want to do, but being overly ambitious isn’t always the best thing to be. It can lead to mental fatigue. I bet you’re thinking, “Wait a minute Chris, I thought you had your shit together?” I only wish that was true. I’m sure that this is just a phase and I’ll get through it, I’m just finding that it’s been hard to get back into the groove of things. Even with things going so much better than I had planned.

Again, it feels like I’m making an excuse, because I really do want to be that beacon that I once was. So I guess that physically I’m not in sync with the mental part of me. I just need to actually switch my mindset. I hadn’t realized that I would be so busy with work, and maybe that’s what I’m trying to get used too. My last job, gave me certain freedoms that kept me able to concentrate on other things. Now, I’m just trying to figure out what I need to do to take my breaks and do a bit of activity. I’ve been able to move boxes around, and honestly, I’m able to get about two-miles in my little building during the day, including a bit of walking before and during lunch.

That’s it, I just need to finish finding that rhythm and go for it. I’m already feeling better, by talking it out here on this blog. However the question still hasn’t been asked, or stated anywhere; what’s your motivation? What is it that drives you to do better? Not being the person that I used to be is probably the biggest motivator for me. I’m finding that I’m having to tweak different, small aspects of what I’ve been doing to find the right path. Maybe I need to find something in the middle of my day to help get back on track. As a matter of fact, I’m gonna try to do my workout during my lunch to help get things back on the right path. My job has been very physically demanding with what we’ve been currently working on.

What about the spiritual path, where does that healthy aspect of life fall in line? Some find going to church and having fellowship is what helps to refresh and renew the relationship with the deity that they choose to worship. Some, find that working out in the gym is their path to the spiritual realm. For me, it’s when I go for my 10,000 step walk, on a “mostly” regularly basis. I’ve fallen a bit flat with that, but again, I’m adjusting, which I did say feels like an excuse, but I’m finding that adjusting to the new life change has really put me into something of a surprising nature with finding out how much the work has put a demand on me. I do love it though, because it’s a fulfilling job, for my energies and mentally. I love the positive atmosphere.

Things are also just seeming to fall in place for other aspects in life. The only part that I don’t have much change for the better is Sarah and her Crohn’s. That’s frustrating and leaves me feeling for her as there’s not really much that I can do for her. I can only say and do so much, but I do care, and I know that she knows that. Again, there’s only so much that I can do.

I’m taking some other movements that hopefully help get and get the brands going in a better way. Sarah has been working on prototypes for merchandise, and I’m glad that she can things to do that won’t irritate her arm, and gives her something that helps her feel useful. I believe that she even said that she was finding it “fun and exciting”.

Circling around to that link, between the three aspects in life that are most important for the self-well being: physically, mentally, spiritually. It’s like links in a chain, it’s only as strong as its weakest. I know that it sounds cliché, but there’s reasons that they fit so appropriately. I gained a bit of weight, and I feel it. It’s thrown my balance in those links off. Mentally, because my physical link is off, is also off. For my spirit, it’s always battling with itself, yet I will endure.

My critique is this; I felt that this blog might have gone a bit all over the place. I’ve been working on it off and on for the last week, and quite frankly, I’m glad that I am starting to get a rhythm going with this life change that I’ve been handed. It’s all about building a better version of myself, and career wise counts just as much as physically, mentally, and spiritually. They all are linked, and a good career, can help to enhance all of those things. Getting away from toxic environments helps with these things. Getting away from negative influences helps with these things.

I think that the next thing I really need to work on is time management, it feels like I’ve got so much to do, or at least what I want to do. I find that it gets overwhelming at times, and I wish that I could get more done everyday. It’s a job to keep working on the physical health, mental health, and spiritual health. The goals I have are going to be obtained, it’s just a matter of hard work and focus. Most people don’t see, or don’t get the kind of work that goes into success. There are memes that talk about the iceberg of success, and I know that if I keep going I will get there. Though curve balls tend to get in the way from time to time.

So, where have you been on your path? Do you know what direction that your life is going? Do you wanna talk about it? You can always feel free to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com. I really want to hear from you. I want to start a conversation that would be mutually enriching for the both of us. Remember too like, subscribe, and please share the blogs. There may be someone you know that might find some inspiration in the words that I write. I’ve been fortunate to have people tell me that they’re glad that I have the “bravery” to share my story. I appreciate all the love and support that I’ve been shown through the years. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Live in the Present

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I was surfing through Youtube the other day, and something about it just stuck with me. He said living in the past causes depression and that looking to the future causes anxiety. Mind you that this video was about the lost testaments of Jesus, and my love of theology and mythology gets my curiosity from time to time so I watched. It talked about living in the present, and as I went out for my walk after watching the video, that kept going through my head.

I’ve been doing a lot of watching Youtube, trying to pick up new things and learning to brush up and learn new techniques in filmmaking. Yet, something about that video caused me to think profoundly about that idea about living in the present. Depression being linked to the past for some reason hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I hate having to admit that I’ve dwelt on the past for too long most of my life, but putting something like this in a new perspective has really put me in a reflective mood. There’s things that I hate about my past, as well as things that I love. It’s interesting to think about, isn’t it?

I also got into thinking about how anxiety was applied to my life. I remember that I would get anxious when I would start thinking about going to work after the weekend was over. Anxiety is future, depression is past, and it’s crazy how it just seems to make sense to me. With that being said, I’ve been trying to live more in the present since watching that video, and I can honestly say that I seem happier with myself. It could be that I’ve found a new job, and that a new adventure is underway as well. Who knows?

To say that things don’t bother me while living in the present wouldn’t be truthful, there are things going on in my life that are a bit out of my control, however I just try to keep that positive mindset and keep trucking along. I think with any journey that gets undertaken, for example, the mental health journey, the weight loss journey, marriage, the key to being successful in anything you do has to be with mindset.

Let’s face it, we’ve all faltered at some point or another, and have made excuses as to why we failed. I find myself doing it, but not nearly as bad as I used to. I find myself trying to keep myself in check and remind myself to keep going on the right path. The weight loss journey hasn’t been easy, and I know that losing the momentum last year is just now starting to be over come.

An example of over coming the loss of the momentum I had is that I’m pushing myself harder, and I’m finding myself getting into a situation that will keep me motivated. I’ll also admit that I constantly have to remind myself that I don’t want to end up in the spot I had been four years ago. Living uncomfortable in you body has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world. You start to question how you got there, and why do I feel a certain way? I know that I’ve talked about the fact that when I was out of control and at my heaviest, that it constantly felt like an out of body experience. When I looked in the mirror it was like looking at a stranger.

I know that it’s a repeat of things I’ve said before. The fact remains that blogging had been the most therapeutic thing that I could have ever decide to do. It also helped me work on a skill that has made me a better writer for other aspects in my life. I feel like an example of that it’s never too late to get your act together and live your best life. I just wish that I wouldn’t have been as scared when I was younger, I wonder where I would have been had I gone to film school much sooner. Would I have wanted to be my own creator in the business? Would I have made something more of myself in the industry? Would I have all the amazing people in my life today that I do?

I believe that we are all on the path that we’re meant to be on in life. That’s why living in the present is so important, while I could go on with the what ifs, I’m happy where I’m at now. I have an amazing group of people who chose to share in my dream of creating content. It’s made me a better person, and it’s made them better people. I’ve been able to help give people a lift and feel better about themselves. I know that things happen in the time they’re supposed to.

I’m not that same person I was in 2005 when I saw Sin City(2005), there was a shit ton of baggage that I wasn’t even aware of at the time, guiding my decisions. I had not matured to the point that I needed to have the drive or the focus that I’ve been developing the last several years. It took me to be in my thirties before I even got the clue that I needed help, and I needed something more to find myself. Self improvement isn’t easy. Looking at one’s own faults is the hardest thing to do.

Too many times do I see that people want to put the blame somewhere else than themselves. Too many times I see how people can be hypocritical about life. We see the double standard that seems to run society. It is disgusting, and shameful. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. I’ve told my children to, “do as I say, not as I do.” I realize that it’s not effective parenting in the least.

We all need to start living more in the present. There might be something to that. Maybe people won’t struggle so much with past mistakes. Maybe we wouldn’t be so hung up on regrets? As a person who’s had the gastric sleeve done, I paid attention to the support groups, and I’ve seen people come up with regret. Some because they thought it was just going to be the easy way out. Some don’t like the way they look with all that saggy skin. It’s hard to see people struggle with these issues. At least they’ve given themselves a fighting chance to live longer, and more fulfilling lives. I guess not everyone can see that.

Which brings me back to the point of mindset. We think, we believe, and we can achieve. Positive mindsets, breed positive attitudes. I’ve been around some people who are so salty that that can’t seem to find positivity in anything. Unfortunately negative energies are easy to influence people around them. I remember being in a bad mood, just because someone was just negative about everything. That sad part is that it wasn’t that long ago that I was feeling that way most days. This is coming from someone who’s made a habit out of finding the silver lining in most situations. Covid-19? Stay-at-home-orders? Yeah, I said it was just a good opportunity to pay off some bills. I know that it’s not been like that for everyone, and that there’s been many who’ve had to stay home because of this. I think the best way to have dealt with it was that maybe getting those honey-do-lists done, or maybe pick up a new skill? Could work on that hobby that had been nagging in someone’s mind for sometime.

Now, I’m stepping away from the blog for a moment to ask you, the reader, a few questions. I’ve been doing this for the good part of five years now, and I want to know what it is that you like about my blogs? What do you hate? Do you think that I’m full of shit? How can I make it better? I want more interaction because I’ve had people tell me that they read, and that they follow the things I do. If this is your first time checking out the CK Project blog, give me a subscribe and become part of a bigger conversation.

With that being said, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

When It’s Out of Your Control

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Ten-percent, is the things that happens that’s out of your control. ninety-percent is how you react to it. This is something that I’ve mentioned several times over in the previous blogs in the past. With that, I’ve been pretty good about navigating life that way. It tends to work, and help keep the mindset in a good view on life. However, what happens when that ten-percent starts to push the bounds of comfortability?

Frustration has been something that has been going on with me for the last week or so. Is it because I’m having to depend on communications and technology from various areas, that aren’t immediately within my grasp. Anxiety of depending on things that I can’t control has been something I’ve really been feeling the last few days. I’ve also said before that technology can be great, yet there are times that I absolutely loathe society’s dependence on it. I think it’s funny because technology has made filmmaking even more cost effective than ever before.

I guess that the anxiety comes in because of the unknown. It’s common that people would get anxious during situations of uncertainty. It’s taken my focus and put me off track on things that are important for me. Regret can come from decisions that were made. I’m not trying to go there though, because in the end, I feel that I made the right choice. Though in hindsight I could have been a bit more patient before making the choice I made, yet here I am. I know that things will work out. I just need to take that frustration and anxiety, and turn it into patience.

The pressure is still there, especially when taking on responsibility. I worry about the fact that the choice I made could damper if my family is supported. Now, in the end I’m sure everything is going to be okay, but that unknown still puts me on edge. It just shows that I like to be an adult and take on those responsibilities that come from both being one, and being a parent. I strongly feel that where the anxiety comes in, when feeling like being a failure at either one.

One the bright side of the struggle is that once you get past the point and are guaranteed to make it through, the relief and piece of mind are well worth it in the end. So, what happens to those who don’t get to that point? What about those who fall down on “their luck”? These are often the people we see on the side of the road, holding up the Will work for money signs. What do we do about them? I think this is were things get tricky, because some become dependent on drugs as a way to cope with the hard times in life. There are those who also find it as a way to beat the system and take advantage of people’s good hearts. I’ve been in the situation where I’ve given money to those in need, and I’ve also ignored those who’ve been in need.

I’ve recently been put in that situation, and I’ve lost someone because of how I run my principles in life. I take care of me and mine first. If I’m unsure if they’ll be provided for, then I won’t help others. It may even sound harsher than I’m intending it too, but with the shift going on in my life, I wasn’t sure when the next pay check was coming, and I was told by someone that I didn’t really care about them. That’s the furthest thing from the truth, and it hurt. I just know that I’ve got to think of those I’m responsible for.

Anxiety and frustration are hard to control because life can get complicated. One of the things that I’ve learned is that there’s not always a right or wrong answer, the path isn’t always clear. It’s only the consequences of the decisions that we make. I realize that putting it that way makes it sound bad, but it’s just the end result. By my saying no to someone that I care about, because I’m taking care of my responsibilities, I may have lost that person in my life. I can continue on and do the best I can, hoping that person will understand and come back, or I can let it eat me up.

That’s something that I’ve had a bad habit of doing in my life though. I would let even the littlest of things eat me up. I’ve let too many negative situations and people live rent free in my head for so long. Is this something that’s a common occurrence with others? How do we over come such things? I think the answer is in forgiving, both ourselves and those who’ve hurt us. All any of us can do is try and be the best version of ourselves, and try and make the best decisions that we can. Does it always work? No. Some people tend to have self-destructive natures, and making bad decisions can have a certain appeal. It feels like an adrenaline junkie: Will I get caught? How long can I get this feeling to last.

This also brings up a point that I’ve stated in the past, we are our own worst enemies. I know that when anxiety, or depression come along, that’s when I’m not at my best. I start looking for some sort of validation, and continue to seek it. Strangely enough, usually they will follow each other. I remember times when I was working night shift hours, the anxiety of not being able to keep busy with conversation would start getting me to think about my depression. There would be times that just thinking about the dark places that I’ve been, would give me anxiety. It’s funny that I’ve noticed things in life tend to go in a vicious circle. Maybe there’s more than one reason it’s called the circle of life?

I’m not religious by any means. I consider myself spiritual because I do believe that there is a higher power. I hear my old, boxer friend, Philip in my head when he would tell religion is for those afraid of going to hell, spiritual is for those who’ve already been. Well, I’ve been there, and I think those who deal with some form of mental health issues have been there. PTSD, trauma, depression, addiction, these are all various versions of hell. Sometimes those demon’s win, which results in death. Losing a loved one in these situations is never easy.

Being one who’ve been on the brink of harming myself like that, a bit of an insider view is this: the better alternative isn’t always something that’s thought about. That’s not even an option on the table when going through some of those hard times. Yet, being strong enough to survive, and being able to find the help to deal with the issues can give a better outlook on life. It’s all about the mind, body, and spirit, when they are aligned, things flow better. Working out is a natural version anti-depressant. It helps the mind focus, and for some, it’s like a religion. Just something to think about, when getting into a negative mindset.

Patience is something that has been difficult for me to come by at times. I’ve not had much anxiety in the past few years because of that ninety-percent of how I handled it would be to try and keep positive through things. Do you have any suggestions on handling anxiety? Hit me up at ckproject@zohomail.com. Leave me a message or comment down below, and let’s get this conversation started. Don’t forget to subscribe to get the latest blogs when I write them. All any of us can do is to better ourselves, improve the way we treat each other, and hopefully leave the world a better place than when we got here.

I look forward to hearing from you, and hope that we can build a community and lift each other up. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Remember to Uplift Each Other

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Part of the journey that I’ve been on has focused on helping others. This has one of the better aspects of my life. With that, it’s also nice to help uplift a friend when something good has happed. People like praise. People like to know when they’ve done a good job. While the cynic in me has teased a few people for overly trying to get that pat on the back, I understand the desire for recognition. While I’ve teased a friend, or a co-worker, I would say that it was all out of fun. Silently, I’ve been proud of the work that they’ve done. This was an attitude from another mindset.

Joke’s aside, I find myself trying to show how proud I am of people’s accomplishments. This year alone, not only myself, but several friends have seemed to have things go in a better direction. New jobs, new friendships, better choices in life. That’s what makes this year amazing so far, despite the fact that there have been a few instances that has left us questioning how the year’s going to go. Plus, my friends who’ve had Covid-19 have seemed to have taken a turn for the better.

I beam with pride to see the accomplishments of my friends, in particular my teammate. The people who are part of my inner circle, whom have been working with me with the filming part of my life. It’s amazing to see how the group is growing in friendship, support, and success. I find that this helps each with their, and my own mental health. To see how each of us had struggled with some sort of stressor, to find that a new adventure will help take us each on an unexpected journey, is truly a delight, in my opinion. I hope that this success rolls on into the things that we have intertwined together for this year.

I think what’s going to help deal with what’s going on right now in this world, is to do the best for a positive mindset. What about those who’ve lost loved ones to the pandemic? I get not everyone is going to be able to get through this without some rough times. I would never take away the pain that has happened as I’ve lost people to it as well. It’s part of the journey called life, and it’s during these times, that we find ourselves finding out who we are.

It’s training ourselves to think differently. I’ve seen where things look bleak. Hell, I almost took my own life when life looked darkest and I couldn’t seem to find a way out. Yet, we have the potential and power within ourselves to make a difference in the way we experience life. We don’t always have the answers, and I know even with the experiences that I have, I’m finding myself discussing things that I’ve not had to deal with. How can we figure these things out, without the knowledge to get there? I think this is where therapy can help. People far smarter than me, helped to get me learning a new way to think.

I used to watch Saturday Night Live when I was younger. Al Franken used to play this character named Stewart Smily, and he would look in the mirror and say this phrase that he would say at the end of every skit: I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. I know that it was used for satire purposes, and that it was to get a laugh, but there was something there. It sounds crazy, but it works. It’s tricking your brain into believing something.

Self-esteem is often times something most people have little of. So many people are their own harshest critics. I know that I’ve tried to over compensate with having an inflated ego. It wasn’t the best way to handle it, but it was the only way I knew how to overcome anything. Remember when I said that I had been a toxic person? That’s the reason why. It’s hard to navigate through life, when you have no idea what you’re doing, or have no direction.

Which brings another point up: knowledge is power. I know a bit cliché, but it speaks to the messages we would get through our Saturday morning cartoons when I was growing up. NBC had that catch phrase of the more you know, with at little jingle while the wishing star flew across the screen. GI Joe, He-man, a time where it seemed like lessons where just as important then entertainment. Know what your worth is, too many people won’t let you know your true value. It’s fortunate when you can find those who see your value and potential. I’ve been blessed with those that I call to my inner circle, because they know my worth, as I know their’s.

I do fall short at times as I don’t always seem to show my appreciation and adoration for the woman that I call my wife. She does more than anyone could ever know. She’s dealing with chronic illness, healing from a major surgery, helping online schooling two children, one of which isn’t getting the best attention he needs, because of his special needs. On top of that she still finds time to take care of the rest of the family life, and tries to get stuff done for the brands. As I had said before, she truly is the captain that steers this ship. I just happen to be the charismatic mouth piece.

Yet, she’s the example of lifting others up. She just seems to have people not be as supportive towards her, and that’s not on any in this house. Though I will admit that I’ve not always uplifted her as well, this is just something to remind her that I do appreciate her, and the caring uplifting person she is.

It’s really a shame that this world has shown so much ugly, and I always wonder if it’s because there are those who feel that they’ve gotten the short end of the stick? I’ve know, and am related to people who just can’t seem to accept the responsibilities of their own actions. I’ve been there myself, but becoming self aware about these things has brought some peace, and it helps the stress levels. I feel it’s better to put out the positive energies and vibes than not.

This also leads me to have to say that I try not to give up on people, and I’m always optimistic that things will turn around for those who sometimes are toxic. I have those long time friends, whom I can’t seem to give up on. It gets hard to navigate because of their tireless complaining about how bad they have it seems to drain on my positive energy, and it gets tiresome. Even when explaining that they could look at it from a different point of view, it changes their tone for at least the rest of that conversation, yet seems to go back to the same thing every other time. I’ve considered stopping the contact, and I get sad about that idea, since I’ve been friends with some of these people for twenty-plus years.

Maybe that’s where balance comes in for my life as I’ve got those who are amazing and uplifting as well? It sucks when that energy sucking conversation is the normal for every conversation, and it doesn’t feel normal trying to have a normal conversation. I got stuck with some people this way, and I know that we don’t talk as much as we used too. I even had to say that I didn’t have the energy for that specific conversation at the time. We would be able to change the subject, but it felt kind of forced and unnatural.

Side note time: I found myself getting busy during the second half of this blog, because well, life happens. I noticed that I’d lost my train of thought for a bit as live is getting into a new normal for me as I’m about to embark on a new journey with a new job.

I lost some contacts through social media, of co-works, who I considered friends. I’m not mad that I was unfriended, just a bit sad about it. Sometimes I realize that I take things like this too hard. Maybe it has to do with some deep down need of validation? I just have to think that I have the important people in my life for a reason, and those who’ve I’ve had the chance to truly befriend are still in my life for a reason.

Thanks for taking the time and following me on my train of thoughts. Remember to like subscribe, share, spread the word. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

More Progress

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I worked out, and I checked to see that I’ve lost a few pounds. It’s exciting to know that I’m heading back in the right direction in my weight loss journey once again. I’m also heading in the right direction as I’ve passed my test for my personal trainers certification. Once again, I’d like to say that my years starting off strong. It’s just like the rest of life, we have our ups and downs. Either way, it’s still considered progress.

I’m also about a week away from starting that new job. The anticipation, and the anxiety are playing through my emotions, yet I’m preserving over all this. Which means that I’m taking most of the time I need to keep working on my steps, and reseting myself with a new energy to take on this new experience. I was glad that I told all three days of my training session last week and made it, I plan on getting all three days in this week.

So much going on at once, and with that my son will be fifteen soon. It’s crazy to think that I’ve got a house full of teenage numbers, and I’ll stick Lily in that category because she’s going to be thirteen in June. Time truly does fly, whether you’re having fun or not. I’m glad that I hit the breaks and turned my life around. It’s hard when you’re at a weight that you don’t feel like you belong in the body that houses your essence. The struggle was real with being out of breath and hurting to move.

I still hurt when I move, but for better reasons than the fact that I was too heavy to move. I took my life back, and it wasn’t an easy journey. I still struggle with it at times. Yet, I’ve never wanted to give up. I’ve made excuses on why I wasn’t working out. Some of them have been legit, but that consistency is back, and honestly, by the end of the week, I should be getting that hands on training to actually be a personal trainer. I’m humbled and blessed to have Sam Basco in my life, not only as a friend, but as a trainer, and mentor. He’s giving me the training that I need to become successful at my journey, and it just adds more to the CK Project. Couldn’t you tell that I’ve become all about my brands, and how I can try and help people?

I’m thinking that I’ll start out working a few hours on the weekends, probably mornings, and as I get confidence and better at knowing the job, I’ll probably open up to a few hours here or there during the weekday nights. Again, I’m thankful to have Sam in my life, especially since I want to get more healthy and help others get there. The struggle of being over weight, and being an addict to food, is a difficult road. I know that I’ve been able to inspire people, and yet for some reason, I don’t feel like I’ve been very inspiring over the last year.

I’m thankful that Sarah comes and takes phots of my workout, it shows the effort that I do, when I am there, but again, consistency had been the biggest issue that I have had over the last year. I’ve kept having the same thought going through my head over the last couple of weeks, that things are going to look up. The drive to stay consistent is there, the negative vibes I had been around, are starting to dissipate. The thing about negativity is it often attaches itself to those around it. Trying to be a beacon of positivity was usually easy, but there were times that I would struggle to keep on that path.

There are some things that surprised me over the last few years, the experiences I’ve had, the learning, the growth. Yet I find that the biggest surprise is that I had met some truly remarkable, people. Some I had known for years, but after working with them, I had gotten to know how giving and kind they were. I’ve also surprised myself by finding a new motivation to push to get things done. That I’ve finally getting the chance to see the fruits of my labor.

Allow me to explain what kind of discoveries I’ve discovered about the CK Project. It started out as a way to for me to be held accountable for my weight loss journey. I hit bad time of depression and it went the brand went into obscurity. I figured that I would bring it back and rebrand it as a mental health blog. This was where I was able to write about my struggles and share my experiences with others. I found that this was a move towards healing, and sorting out what I was feeling.

It wasn’t until I decided that I had enough, and I was ready to take my life back that I started to get back to talking about my weight struggles and combined that with my mental health as well. So, I started to do podcasts that involve both weight loss and mental health. The thing is, it seems like the blogging that I do here is received well for both, but the weight loss seems to be a bit more popular. My podcasts however seem to be more popular when we discuss the mental health issues, and the struggles that we, and I mean my co-host often struggle with. So, I’m learning to play to the strengths and do what keeps the interest in the various forms that we present the info on.

I’ve gotten the compliment that the podcast keeps things real and pure. That there’s a raw emotion that goes into the experiences of those who decide to spill their guts to our audience. Here’s the spotify link https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA?si=KucvpPuSRqiv5J7W8Y9PHA. If you haven’t heard it, I encourage you too. I think the tone sets for an interesting listening. Plus it’s an important passion project, and we’re always looking for people who want to be courageous enough to share their experiences as well. It might just help someone, who feels that they’re the only ones who struggle.

I know for some people, this year hasn’t been the easiest of starts. I’ve had several close friends come down with Covid-19, the plus is that they have make a recovery. At the moment they’re through the worst, even if not completely better. I also know that with our current climate, life here in America is uncertain, and it’s a bit scary. I personally feel that things are going to get better, and I think that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer. Keep the faith, and keep on going. That’s all any of us can ever do. Continue to move forward.

Now, I’m looking forward to getting the information for the new job, so that I can take that big step on the newest page of the journey in life. There are freedoms that I’m looking forward too, with this new kind of work. An actual lunch hour, wearing normal clothes, hell, not having to shave everyday is probably the biggest highlight of the new job. Then the questions that remain, what are my hours going to be? Can I shuffle around hours to get certain commitments completed? I know that it sounds silly, but these are things that have been going through my mind lately.

The other question is how the new position is going to change my plans for summer. I’m supposed to take the family back to Pennsylvania for my mothers memorial in June. How is that going to be affected? I’ll figure it all out, and with the pandemic, I should be able to build up the projects that I’ve been working on so that it will keep my weekends busy, as I will also be making a little extra as a personal trainer. Life is going to be good, and that’s the way I’m having to live my life.

How’s the year treating you so far? Remember too like and subscribe to the blog. Also leave a comment, let me know what you want to talk about, share your experience. Let’s keep the conversation going and network. You matter, you are important. You can also e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com. The blog site is really taking off, and I would love to get this to be more interactive. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Consistency and Bad Habits

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So, I’ve gained about twenty-five pounds over this pandemic, and I have deduced my reasons on why this has happened. Remember in previous blogs where I said that I had struggled because I’ve let bad habits slip back in? Yep, that’s one of the reasons. The other is the fact that my work outs have not been consistent over the last year. A positive is that I’m aware of these facts and I’m working on correcting the path that I’ve been on.

I remember that I was doing well through most of February of last year. I was trying to deal with an ankle injury that I obtained while doing a grappling class, and it seemed that I would keep aggravating it as I had gone on. It was when I went out for a week in March, when I started falling off the motivational train. The plus side was that it required me to rest for the week and it gave my ankle the appropriate time to heal. It was also the time when everything started to shut down because of the Coronavirus.

The issue for the Covid-19 was that at this time everything was starting to shut down. That required me to stay out of public as much as possible do to my job as it was. See where I’m going here? That meant that I couldn’t go workout at the gym like I had been for so long. I tried to do an occasional workout from home, but with a bullshit excuse I feel that I don’t have enough room to get a decent workout in. Plus I had been a bit under the weather and took it easy.

I found that staying at home and not doing the things I was used too, both a blessing and a curse. I was fortunate enough to still be working, just night’s were kind of hard not to snack to stay up. What happens when there’s snacking and not enough exercise? You put on some pounds. It also didn’t help that at the time, March ended up feeling about three-months-long.

Some of the positives, I found were the fact that everything being closed, I was spending less money on the things that I tend to enjoy, and I used that to help pay down certain debts that I’d been working on for a while. I had to the opportunity to actually focus a bit more on paying off bills in a larger concentrated amount. I found that trying to look at the bright side of things was making the time a bit more easy to handle.

With everything being on some type of lock down, I also found that I wasn’t having to deal with as many of the people as I was normally, and the fact is that as soon as we were done, we got to go home. It was nice being able to get home at six-fifteen-in-the-morning, and then off to bed, so the I could get up around noon. I now that sleep schedule sounds bad, and I’ll be the first to admit that I could have used a bit more sleep then I was getting, but that’s one of those things that was hard to over come during the first couple of months on shift.

The last year was unpredictable to say the least, and I can see why, as someone who remained consistent for so long, ended up having issues staying motivated. The plus side is that I’m in a position to claim my consistency back, and honestly I think things are going to get even better over the next few months with that as it is. I feel that my focus had defiantly fallen behind and I’m ready to take it back.

People like to think that the weight loss journey is a slope that goes down, and never goes back up. Many “health supplements, and gurus” try to convince people of that. That’s what sells the product, or the service that is provided in helping out with losing the weight. People want to lose weight without the effort. I’ve seen it too many times, and had wanted that for myself at times in the past.

Working out feels good. So ,why would I stop, and make excuses? I fell on some hard depression during the nightshift. I’ll be the first to say that while the shift itself is easy, my mind isn’t kind to me. I’d start thinking about all these negative things, and with the growing concern at the time of the virus, it had caused me to become a bit anxious, and when left to my own devices, I find that I need validation. I know that some might think that silly. Some people may even agree with that struggle. All I can say is that it’s never pretty going through that situation. You start thinking or doing things that you might not normally do.

As the time progressed and certain things got relaxed a bit, I was able to get back into working out. My eating was still a bit off, but at least I was getting the workouts in. One of the issues was that the timing of my workouts didn’t always seem to work out the way I needed them too and would often have to cancel, and so there were still weeks that I wasn’t working out, or I’d only be working out once a week. At least I was still able to do a mile-and-a-half run in seventeen-eighteen. At least I was trying to make things work.

As I was getting into the seventh month of a six month rotation on nightshift, I was starting to find myself struggling a bit more with my daily life. I know that I was ready to get something new going, and my motivation was dragged down with the constant feeling of fatigue going on. I believed that we were having another big wave of infection going on at the time and things started shutting down again. Guess what that meant for the workouts?

I thought that my metabolism would be good and I could endure, but I was wrong. Then when my mom got sick in October, it felt like so much was going on that I ended up missing more workouts. I’d like to say that I wish I was using this as an excuse, but I was literally calling off work and having to travel out of town to take care of things. It felt like life wasn’t letting up.

I didn’t waste all this time feeling sorry for myself though. I did write and film a short. I also embarked on a journey to get my personal trainers certificate. I just wish that life’s other plans wouldn’t have distracted me from what I needed to do.

So, I’ve gained about twenty-five pounds, I will destroy it, but it doesn’t just happen over night. I was also competing with a plateau that I was stuck on for well over a year. That being said, at least I haven’t given up on everything. I just hit a bump in the road, which I will over come. Plus once I get my personal trainer cert, I’ll be doing more activity as it is.

Now that I’m moving on to a new job, and I’m going to hopefully have a somewhat normal schedule, I’m thinking that I might find a training time that will fit me better. It was always hard putting in maximum effort, just to struggle through the fatigue at work. Now, maybe I’ll be able to go home, eat dinner, take a shower, and put myself to bed. I’ll be able to push more, which is something I sometimes struggle with doing during my workouts. Pushing myself was a far harder thing to do when I started two-and-a-half-years ago. I’ve gotten better at it, though I still find myself cheating sometimes. I just need to get into a better mindset again for it. I don’t want to be over four-hundred pounds ever again. I have to be more mindful with what I eat, and really think if I’m doing it because I’m hungry, or if it’s because I’m bored.

Remember to keep an eye out for the CK Project podcast. Here’s the link for our latest on anxiety https://anchor.fm/CkProject/episodes/How-is-your-anxiety-doing-during-the-pandemic-eoov62. We’re branching out, and will be doing more with the brand. Expect some videos in the near future as we continue to grow, and separate what form of media is presented and which subjects are touched in the various forms. Not all are the same. With that, I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.

New Chapter, New Page

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Funny thing is this; I started a blog on the third of January, and I wasn’t able to finish. It was going to talk about the continuation of the shit storm that was 2020. New year, and no reset. That’s not what this particular blog is going to be all about. It’s about how life can rapidly change, and the experience of what that change can be like. I want to state that after thirteen-years being involved with security, I’ve gotten an opportunity to change career fields and I’m both excited, and anxious for what the future holds.

This year, I’ve seen many people struggle with what life has been dealing with them. An example: I have friends who’ve been hospitalized due to complications of Covid-19. It’s rough to see them struggle with this and I hope for the best for them, because losing people I see how serious this can be. I’ve seen people who haven’t believed in the virus, change their minds after actually getting it. Wait…wasn’t I supposed to be talking about something new and exciting? I’m heading in that direction I promise.

With these rough things going on, I think that we’re gonna be getting through this soon, and things will look up. Keep that silver lining in mind through a couple more months. Now, on to the point I was going to get too.

Life has been going at a rapid fire pace over the last several months. My daughter, Autumn had gotten sick, but she made it. I’m feeling fortunate because of that. I had tried to roll with everything going on, and I thought I did pretty well. A few close calls with Covid-19 sure, but I survived. I also gained some weight over the last year, because the consistency of my workouts had gone out the window. I’m back and determined to head in the right direction once again. Focus is the thing I felt that I lacked for a minute. Again…I’m back, and I’m going to be better than ever.

So, in a slight review of the highlights of last year, I got a pay raise, I lost my maternal mother, my dog, and my ex-wife. If you would have asked me right before Christmas, I would have not had any idea where things were going to head in life. The day after Christmas, I applied for a job, and heard back just two-days later. Now I have the job that I’ll be starting at the end of the month.

Let’s take a minute and talk about signs. You know how they say that God works in mysterious ways? That He will give you signs when his work is to be done? Or maybe fate pulls us in a certain direction? This happened to me. I’m a spiritual person, and I will admit that I shun organized religion. I have many friends and family members that do go to their church, and I’m a supporter of anyone who has a strong belief system. With that said, for almost a week, I kept getting this job popping up in my e-mail, and I figured that I would apply for it at the end of the week. Sign one through how many notices I got. Then I had a former co-worker text me about the job, and he told me to apply. I applied a few days later, and I’m so happy with the results of the response.

I had gotten a quick response, then was asked about having an interview. I agreed that we could talk that Monday morning, and while I was in the shower, I got the call. To be honest, it didn’t even really feel like an interview, but the contact told me that she would get a hold of me sometime after the new year.

The next week, I called her back, because I wanted to keep the momentum up on the positive feelings I was having. With that a few days later I had gotten my job offer, and I had to get a few things together so we could proceed with the hiring process. It’s crazy how fast this all went, and a strange feeling had come over me. I was nervous and my body was shaking. It wasn’t bad, just a huge realization that my life was going to change in a big way. That Thursday, I put in my notice that I would only be with the company I worked for, two more weeks.

So, I should back track and say that I had another sign happen while I was deciding if I was ready to be done with my current job. I had been changing out of my uniform when my badge had popped off, and broke. This put me in a realization that my job of thirteen years was finally coming to an end. That next day, I put in my resignation letter.

With that I decided to use the remainder of my leave before I started my new job. I was going to take the last two-weeks off. So far it’s been going well. I’ve been able to realize the stress and anxiety that I had been feeling about things.

So, a couple of days ago was Monday. It was my forty-second birthday, and for my birthday I turned in all my gear, and I’ve had mixed feeling about it. I was sad to go, because it had been the place I had called home for so long. I’d had many ups and down. I’ve made friends and connections that I’ll value for the rest of my life. Now, I’m getting prepared for that next step in life.

One thing that I realized is that the job I did for so long, is that I’ll be viewing it from a different perspective. I’m nervous because it’s a new experience, but I’m hungry for the challenge, and not wearing a uniform has a certain appeal. Not having to shave everyday has an even bigger appeal. I’m currently growing a beard, just to grow one.

I’m looking forward to a new and better schedule, while swing shift was the best hours for the former job. Ten-hours made for a long shift, and Thirteen was even longer when I started so long ago. Now, I’ll be able to take a lunch, now I’ll be able to be home in the evenings, while not having to get up at four-in-the-morning. I should say, at least I hope. I’m still finding myself getting the information that I need to actually start, and I’m gonna kick it and do the extra stuff I’ve been meaning to do before then. It’s like hitting a reset button.

So, I’m a creative individual, and unless I was tucked away from everything at work, I didn’t have much time to be creative. While I was still working the day shift, I noticed that I was most productive with my creativity between the hours of five-to-nine. This means that I’m going to be able to focus more on working with my brands and producing more content. I’m excited by this venture as well. Creativity is the thing that makes me most happy in life. Filming, writing, podcasting. No more struggles with not being able to focus my time on the things that I find important. This will be good for my mental health as well as getting into a better workout routine.

I know that this seemed to be more about where life has taken me, as of late, and with the pace being quick, it’s kind of something that I’ve gotten used to over time. When big things happen, they usually come with a rapid speed. I’m glad that we’ve made it unto another year, and I’m glad that my degree is finally paying off in the more professional part of my life. I’m glad that I’ve had such support through all of this, as I do feel that I’m fortunate to have some of the most amazing people in my life. I’ve also had the opportunity to help guide a few people into a better direction in life, and that’s always a pleasant feeling. I will make this year a far better one than the previous year, and I have a feeling that those reading this will also find that same thing. This is the director, and like always, that’s a wrap.

Ready, Let’s Go

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January 1, 2021- It’s the start of a new year. So, the common theory is that with the start of a new yea, it’s a new start. A new page, a new chapter. Is it really? Can we just ignore the last twelve months, and think everything is better? I have friends and family who think so. Myself? I feel that all it really does is lead to another day, but that’s not to say that a new year doesn’t have its benefits. I feel that the way momentum has been all over the place, I think that things will turn go into a better place, than last year.

For many people, myself included last year was a rough year, mentally more than anything else. People had taken their lives due to being kept inside and away from social situations. I saw a video from New York City, where a person had jumped out of their window. It wasn’t watching the fall that bothered me, it was the sound. It was louder than I thought it would be. The filmmaker in me thought about how good those mics were, but the fact that this pandemic has put so much stress on people is the sad part.

This has tested relationships, more now than probably ever before. People are discovering that they might not like their partners as much as they thought they did. Domestic violence cases had been elevated, and parent’s patience with their children have been tested more than ever. Mentally, people are tired, and feel they need the relief of normalcy. But how does that even look anymore? Is what we’ve known as normal, ever going to go back to the way it was?

For this answer, I’m gonna be real about my feelings on the subject. I don’t think we’ll ever get back to that normal. I’m interested in seeing just what that new normal is. I’m sure that once social distancing isn’t required anymore, we’ll have an abundance of social gatherings, hell, I’m gonna predict another baby boom is going to happen. Things just won’t be the same. That might not be so bad though.

Mentally, I personally am trying to find a more positive focus, as I know that I’ve slipped back into a negative mindset now and again. There’s so much going on and the world hasn’t exactly been a bright spot in life for a bit. Things are out of our control, and to salvage any sanity, I have to worry about those things that I can control. It’s those things that we, as a society, can’t control that makes people frustrated. Is that something valid? The frustration of how others are acting?

I’ve experienced people in charge, not seem to take this pandemic serious. I’ve seen the wealthy, who can help people in need, make poor decisions that only tend to hurt those who are in need. I’ve seen businesses be destroyed, and I’ve also seen people dramatically change their opinions throughout this experience. Best advice I could give? Be smart about the decisions that you make.

The hardest part about this pandemic, is that the longer it goes on, the closer to home it gets. I personally know more people who’ve come down with Covid-19 than I ever would have thought possible. The sad part is, there are many of them who have tried to do their best to prevent themselves from getting it. I’ve also lost people that I’ve known, and ever cared for to this virus. It’s made me question somethings. It’s caused me to want to appreciate those I do have in my life that much more.

I know that my relationships with people have changed over the last year. I’ve let go of people whom have surprised me with their views on life and people. I’ve learned more about my own feelings on life. Mentally, I had felt shut off for a time. I want to say that part of those reasons, are because of working on the nightshift, but that might just be an excuse. I think that being down a few times with potential symptoms might have been apart of it.

So, where do we go from here? I think that more people are going to be judgmental about sick people being out and about at the stores. I think people going to work sick, and being sent home is going to be encouraged just a bit more. I actually think that masks wearing while sick, might become more popular here in America. Our focuses on technology is going to go in a different direction. I think more focus on getting better ways to communicate will be a major push. I also think the way people work is going to be different. Working at home, will end up being more common place than not. I just think that business’s will take a bit of time to figure things like that out. I think the medical field might also get more focus after the way the medical professionals have served tirelessly through all this. If that ends up not being the case, then that’ll be a shame.

If this pandemic has shown anything else, it’s the inequality of the economic levels. The rich have kept getting richer, as the lower, and middle-classes have struggled to survive. It’s shown that more people need help that others would rather not acknowledge. Mentally, this has strained a large portion of society. I’ve also heard people claiming that the opposite party is evil. Honestly, I think it’s the greed that makes people do evil things, and as it does say in a certain book, “money is the root of all evil.” I’m not going to get preachy on this though.

I just feel mentally tired, and spiritually, I’m finding peace that I’ve not known for sometime. While this past year had been full of unexpected turns of events, I was brought closer to things from the past I had little to no idea about. I was able to meet the missing part of my life and see the man my brother is, and the woman who my sister is. I love them both. I’ve also got to witness how amazing some people truly are, and how inspirational they can be.

Mentally, I think we should take this first day of a new year, and decide who we are, and how we want people to remember us. Is being the self-entitled and arrogant attitude the way we want to be remembered? Do we want to be remembered as someone who showed compassion and forgiveness in a time where things are so uncertain? I personally said that I was going to be a beacon of positivity, and this was a commitment that I made over five-years-ago. Have I faltered? Absolutely. Has my life improved? Far beyond anything that most people realize.

I do want to say a couple more things about where things have been, and the appreciation that I have to those who have shown concerned. On most days, I seemed to get asked if I’m okay (side note, Sarah just asked). I’ve had several people offer to be that support if I needed to talk, they’d listen. If you’re one of those people, thank you. It matters and means more to me than you will ever know.

Since my mother died, and then my ex-wife, as well as some friends, who’ve died from Covid-19 related complications, I’ve not felt much. I know that I’ve been numb, and questioning how I should feel, maybe this is my survival mode switched on. I feel bad for them, and those affected by it, I just try not to dwell on it. My mom had been sick anyway, at least she’s not suffering the pain. My ex, had stage-four adrenal cancer, and she was in really bad shape the last few times I had spoken to her. All I can think is that she’s not suffering anymore. Mentally, I’m doing alright, and I will survive. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.