Author: CK Project

The CK Project is about my life and struggles with weight loss, mental health, and other aspects of my life.

The One-Sixty Point

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So, I stepped on the scale the other day to do my weigh-in update, and I was fully clothed and I couldn’t process the number of 271.2 pounds. For a minute I couldn’t think about if I had lost or gained weight. I replaced the batteries because they were low, and took off my shoes to check in again and saw 269.9. I even checked it three more times. Yep, I lost more weight, six pounds as a matter of fact. It was strange that I couldn’t fathom the thought that I had lost that much in such a short amount of time.

Even more craziness is the fact that I haven’t been this weight since we first moved to California in 1997. It’s like I finally shedded off all the stress weight that had haunted me from the last nineteen years. Could this be part of the next part of a new phase for my life? My depression has been under better control than ever before, and life is taking off in unexpected directions.

I’m in a pants size that I hadn’t been in since high school, and that’s even more incredible. I find that funny that as I’ve lost weight, the places that I’ve lost inches and changed shape in areas that I wasn’t quite expecting. I guess that’s why twenty-two years ago, things hung on me different than they do now. Different movements, exercises, it’s crazy. Though I think it’s far different now, because experience has given me a different look at being disciplined  in life, and how my values have changed.

Today things are different because I’ve found the path in life that I wanted to take. I mean I knew at a young age that I wanted to eventually be a father. Yes, it’s not been easy, especially since my eldest child is way too much like me, and we’ve often times butted heads because of it. I never regretted having children, and they are everything to me. I love them, even the one who isn’t my blood, she’s a great kid, even if we struggle with some of her experiences in her early childhood. I’m not sure the want of kids because I was raised an only child, I do wonder if that could be why?

I think the decisions to becoming a filmmaker, and in turn a blogger, and then a podcaster was the focus I needed in order to embrace that which made me, who I was, both good and bad. I’ve added the layers to help become the person I am.

Becoming a director and to tell stories was given because it was a skill that I ended up developing when I was younger and telling stories. It’s the outlet I always needed, as I’ve been involved in various forms of entertainment since I was in grade school. Writing was something that I discovered that I enjoy as well.

Dealing with depression and viewing others experiences, and losses had lead me to blog about my struggles, as a means to help express myself, and always had the hope that others would find some sort of enlightenment from it. I’ll admit that wasn’t the only motivation to blog. The other reason was that I wanted to become a better writer, and apply that to my scripts. So far, I think that it’s come along quite aways. Again, I have no regrets in that decision.

I had the idea of becoming a podcaster for a while. It was always one of those ideas that I had in the back of my mind and we had toyed with it a couple of times before we found a solution that would work for us to present our material. As we go along, we’ll get better and develop better techniques. Again, hosting has been an idea that I wanted to do.

160 pounds down, and it feels that life is just really starting to take off. It motivates me to get more done. Life is getting better, and I’m always glad that people have taken to joining me on this journey. It really gives me a sense of validation, and I have a few who have been more than vocal about the changes they see. The praises are more than humbling, and it drives me to do even better.

I had no real direction, and I had to find a point to start to put my life back together. If you ever feel that way, the first thing I would suggest is take a long hard look at yourself, and ask the question, “why do I feel this way?” It’s not always an easy answer, and sometimes it ends up being a bitter pill to swallow when the answer smacks you in the face, but don’t deny it. It’s easy to be in denial about oneself, I’ve been there a few times, at least. If you can get over the ego, and the pride, you will grow. I think that self improvement is the only way to better themselves. The key to find myself was to invest in myself, and it’s gotten so much better.

With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Stuck In A Box

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As I sit here, I find that I’m having a feeling of frustration. It’s a bit windy out and the night shift has me pondering all sorts of crazy things. I feel that I need to find a way to better fill some of my time up. I think that I should start brining my scripts to work on while I’m at work, during my down time. That’s after I do get my 10,000 steps in a night at work. I can’t forget that’s part of the reason I decided to take the night shift at work.

As the weather gets better, I know that I will continue to keep the momentum up. I’m not a fan of the cold wind that presents itself to me when I’m doing the work outside of my box. Losing the weight, I really notice the cold now. Yet it’s nice to be on a shift that I’ve gotten to meet and talk to a different set of people than I’ve been used too.

I think part of what’s been driving me crazy is that I get stuck searching the messengers for people to talk to, or the updates between the social medias. I’m finding late at night, Twitter seems to be the more active late at night than any of the other social medias that I follow.

One of the small reliefs that I’m able to enjoy is a mini vacation at the end of the month, where I’ll be able to go to Wonder Con, and geek  out on all the things I’m passionate about.  For a set of five days, I’ll actually be back on a normal schedule, and be able to sleep next to the wife that I’ve slept next too for most of the last eighteen years. Yeah, the night shift has been rough on most of the family because of my absence at night.

The bright side is that I’m counting down my time, and I’m about three-and-a-half-months until I can switch shifts again. Oh, and someone reached out to me on LinkedIn to discuss a possible job offer too me. I hope that this interaction leads to something amazing, because it would be great to have a new opportunity for professional growth, and it would be even cooler if that job was seeking me out.

Sometimes my box at work gets me to thinking a wide variety of things. As I’ve discussed before I’ve had some dark times at work, and then I sometimes get the feeling of loneliness, but I’ll never revert back to those dark times. Those feelings where the worst, and seeing people with those same kinds of feelings made me feel even worse than I had already felt. Seeing people end their own lives actually made me feel guilty, because I had felt that way. I’m not even sure if that was an appropriate response, but that’s how I felt.

Even in those brief moments in time now days, life has gotten better. Hell, this week marked my one-year since I graduated from Los Angles Film School, and it feels so good to have that accomplishment. If it wasn’t for all the events that happened so long ago, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Am I where I want to be? Not completely, but I know that I’m heading in the right direction. After releasing The Reunion(2019), last week, and getting the feedback that I did, I’m on the right path. Positive reactions, and being told that I’ve done a good job, and even got asked about specific aspects of the process, has shown where the talent lies.

The avenue of podcasting has been another topic at hand between me and a several people lately. The comments on that have also been surprisingly positive. I’ve always been one to shine when it came to personality and charisma(not my own words, I promise), and I guess this really shows where the talent lies as well.

I’m blessed to have the support system, and they enjoy putting the work in these projects as well. Some of those in my family seem a bit more eager than others, but it’s beautiful that I can share these passions with them, and watch as everyone grows into something more.

Has anyone else ever felt stuck in a box? How do you deal with the feelings that come with it? Where I work, I actually work in a small building that feels like a box, and getting to talk with customers is probably the best part of the job. No, matter what happens to my future, I’ve been lucky enough to make friends both out of co-workers, and customers, and some of those customers have becomes some of my strongest supporters. Hell, one even hooked me up with a place to film Nash Gray(2017). Customer service has always been my strong point in the professional world, and I think most jobs require some sort of customer service, no matter the industry. So, that’s a tip, learn good communications and customer service skills, because both seem to be lacking in the world today.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Fifteen Month Check-Up

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I had my check up on March second. I was greeted by Dr. Morgan, who has been the man that I’d been seeing mostly for the last year. I was glad to see that I had another loss and that I’m now currently sitting at 276 pounds on the dot. It’s amazing to see where I was last year compared to now, or even compared to where I was two years ago.

It feel good to go to work and someone that I hadn’t seen for a while comment that I looked malnourished, I found it to be funny that people think that I’ve lost so much weight that it was hard to recognize me.  Man, I really feel that I’ve come a long ways, and even better I’ve got to a twenty-two year low, with the fact that my pants are smaller than I was when I first moved to California.

I will admit that I think that I started to fall into a bad habit again with sneaking a few snacks here and there, but I’m going to correct that. I think that the fact that I can admit that and am aware is a step farther than I was before this whole thing started.

Before I continue on with the story, The CK Project has started a podcast: https://anchor.fm/CkProject/episodes/Introduction-to-the-weight-loss-process-e2qsnt/a-abgq9b 

https://anchor.fm/CkProject/episodes/Depression-1-e2qso8/a-abgq9b

These are our first two episodes, we’d really like to get them out to everyone, and get an opinion on what we’re doing.

As I look back, it’s been almost a year since I started to train with Sam over at Flawless Victory MMA, and I’ve enjoyed it. It’s not easy, but anything worth doing is never easy, but there have been so many benefits that have come from this whole process, and I’m getting that much closer to my goals. I remember when I had over 100 pounds to go, and being stuck in the sizes that I had been wearing since I was the biggest size I was.

On top of all that, I’ve decided that it was time to purge my closet of those things that are too big for me. I think this is a big step because it’s another step away from the past self that I’ve held on to for so long. I know that mentally I still have a ways to go, but I’m getting there, and I’m mentally more sound than I have been for some time.

I finally got past my creative funk, and all it took was for me to finally release The Reunion(2019), and I’ve gotten so much positive responses for it. If you want to see it, just hit me up and I’ll send you a link. I don’t try to cross the brands too much, but it’s always good when they come together for something that each can benefit from.

The crazy thing is, with working on three brands, I find that each one takes the main focus at different times. The CK Project is where most of the every day focus goes, and I’m making amazing connections through those who would be on the weight loss journey as well. I find that Luckey Bom Films is where most of my true passion is, because it’s the part that really saved my life when I was lost. With the Geekultural Experience,  it showed me something else I had a passion for, all things related to pop culture, and this last one is dedicated to my friends, and the son they lost because of the connections that has been brought into my life.

They come together and add to the layers in my life as it is. I’m happy that I can use my experiences in life to help others, there’s a joy there. I like that I can tell a story and have people connect somewhere emotionally to it. I also love the fellowship that comes out of celebrating what people are passionate about.

What is it that you’re passionate about? What makes your day get going? How do you feel when others tell you that it’s okay to follow your dreams? Sure people might think that it’s bullshit, and that they should play it safe, but like I said before, anything worth doing is never easy. If you can find a way to make a life out of what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. Not all of us are gifted with the silver spoon, but the journey to get there is fun, and I’m excited to see what it’ll be like to finally make it.

This is a much lighter director, and while doing what I love, this blog is another wrap.

 

 

 

Screaming For The Hopeless

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Much of my blogging comes from the desire to help people. I like to inspire and get people motivated to do something to improve themselves. I’ve even talked about cutting out the negativity that gets in the way.

As I sit here away work, I started thinking about how I recently did a podcast on toxic people, which got me thinking about lost causes. Which is kind of a hard pill to swallow as it’s a lesson that I’ve felt with many times.

I’ve been in a position in my life to where I’ve met and befriended people from various walks of life. Some of those have needed genuine help, and I’ve been glad to have been in the position to help. Seeing those people thrive afterwards has always been enough of a reward. This has built eternal bonds at times as well. I’ve also had the opposite happen and had people use my generosity, those are the relationships that I’ve had to cut out of my life. It’s sad when that happens, yet sometimes they don’t know any better, or want any better.

The worst of the situations is watching someone that I care for, want the help, and then continue to make the wrong choices in life. Some fell to drugs, some fell into getting into a toxic crowd and getting themselves lost. This is where it hurts the most, because seeing a loved one choose this life style over what would potentially be better for them, and in the end, I would look like the villain in their eyes. One of the most bitter pills to swallow.

It makes me wonder why we have so much hate and anger in society. Jealousy is a serious problem for many people, and it’s not usually the person it’s directed against fault. Maybe it’s a control issue? I know a particular person who is bitter because they couldn’t control or bully us into making favorable decisions for them. I can’t help that they wanted to cheat a system that has helped them more than they may have deserved.

I know that I used to have jealousy, and hate, but looking inside myself, I found that I had the power to change things. The biggest change was to learn to have a different perspective in life. The change can only happen when one looks inside of themselves before any other change can happen. I know people who want a better situation, but are unwilling to do something to help better it. Some of these people expect things handed to them. It makes me wonder where that line of thought and expectation ever came from? Was it a learned trait, nurtured in an environment they were raised in? Did life give them an experience that gave them that type of demand in life?

It really is something to ponder. All I know is that I had to change myself for the better, and that I hope that those who seem to be hopeless the most, find a way to redeem themselves. I know not everything is easy to get through, and the situation can sometimes be out of our own hands, but I would hope that they could find a better way.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

The Ex Conundrum

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As a blogger, I get inspired to write about subjects that come to my mind. One of the subjects that I’ve often have brought up is my ex-wife. There was so much that came out of that relationship, that left me in shattered pieces for a long time. I’ve healed from the pain, and forgiven for my own personal growth. As, I’ve been in contact with her a few times through out my adulthood.

As I’m writing this, I’ve come to realize that self-improvement started for me in 2007, when I had run into my ex-wife in K-mart. We talked and I came out of that situation with forgiveness in my hearth, and we’ve learned to become friends over the years. There’s no way that we’ll ever have that connection that we had when we were younger and in love, but I care for the person she is.

Now, I’m married to another woman, who’s been my life partner for eighteen-years. I love her, and life is far better than I ever thought it would be. So, about five years ago, the ex sent me a text, and while we were talking she told me that she had come down with stage-four cancer. She had even sent pics of her in a hospital, without any hair. I was shocked, and a bit saddened by this news.

The thing about my first marriage was that there was a lot of shit that went down, and things went very south, in a rapid manor, and it would seem that this first chapter into adulthood would be closed forever. This was a time of tremendous growth into maturing, even in the most fucked up of ways. At least now the scars are finally healed.

So, now that I’ve made piece with the ex, there was no animosity between us, I had tried to be a person that she could talk to, because her bridges had been burned with plenty of people, and it wasn’t like I had to have a very strong connection to the situation that she was in. The cancer had got me to thinking about how things were, and how things might have been. That was the last conversation that I would have with here for many years.

For a few years, I would ask her family how she was, more so if she had passed, or if she had beaten it. The one thing I know is that I felt that knowing if and when she passed would give me some closure to that chapter in my life. I know that those questions were hard for her sister, at least she knew I cared.

There are so many things that we had done wrong while we were together. We were young, and very inexperienced, especially when it came to our emotions. While things were fucked up at times, and we had more bad than good, it was a defining moment in my life. I had lost friends over that situation, and I hit rock bottom. Yet here I am, stronger then ever, and it helped me to realize what kind of people I wanted in my life. The right people who left ended up back in my life, and I ended up with the right woman in the end.

In hindsight, I don’t regret the decisions that were made, as it helped lead me to where I am today. I think that’s how our experiences develop help us mature. Some take us down, and rock bottom happens at different points in our lives. I think that’s what shows us our true nature. Do we decide to have this destroy ourselves, or do we decide to use those choices to build upon the knowledge and experience to prevail.

I think that I want to take a moment to thank my ex for the experiences that we gained together, shitty or not, it was the moment that caused me to grow a bit. I was disconnected from so much because of what had happened, but it’s built up a pretty strong sense of what I wanted in life, and my principles are stronger than ever. I hope that you do kick the cancer in the ass and you survive. You and I both deserved better than either one of us had been willing to give when we were younger. I find myself caring about you as a person and hope that the future gets better for you. Even if it doesn’t, know that I only wanted the best for you.

One of the best things anyone can do, is learn forgiveness. That’s part of the CK Project, to better one’s self, and forgiveness can sometimes be the hardest part of our growth. Sometimes, it’s easier to just hold on to the grudge and let it eat away at our souls. That’s not how I want to live. I’ve been told that I’m very much like my grand mother, and she was a bitter person who knew how to hold on her grudges. I don’t want to be that person, and I strive daily not to be that kind of person. It’s taken years to get to the point where I feel chill and laid back, but I know that it’s not hard to feel those negative feelings.

Remember to keep looking for self-improvement, and as Michelangelo once said in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles(1990), “Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.” This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Bad Habits?! Don’t You Come Back

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As with anything in life complacently kills. Sometimes we get to a point in our lives that we are comfortable with the way we feel, and things tend to start sliding back into our lives. This is generally true for us who go through the weight loss journey. I’ve seen and know people who have had some form of weight loss surgery, and they’ve gained the weight back. They may not have gained all the weight back, but sometimes they do gain a  good amount of it back.

Let’s look at the fact that us “fat people” go through when loosing weight. It feels good, hell it feels fucking fantastic going from a large weight, being in pain, and hard to breath; to going to fitting in smaller clothes, being pain free, and able to breath without troubles. The troubles that come with this feeling is that sometimes it’s hard to remember that it takes hard work to keep the weight off, and start to take the new body for granted.

That sometimes fills the vanity in us as individuals. Hell there’s a whole industry built upon vanity. Plastic surgeries, make-up, the dietary market.  Gym memberships go up after the holiday’s in preparation for the summers for people to get that “beach body”. Some people feel that once the goal weight is reached, their work is done. I know better since I’ve done the diets, and it’s crazy to see that the hard work has to be continued. That’s the only way to success.

I get baffled that people want to have the good looking body, yet they want to continue with bad eating habits, and an inactive physical life. I’ll admit, that looking better naked is a benefit to my weight loss. It was never the motivation that got me there, however the lady in my life doesn’t complain one bit. Health was the main focus, and while I was getting physically fit, I didn’t realize that my mental state was also getting better.

After everything that I’d gone through in the last several years, it was the surprise that mentally I was changing for he better as well. The food was poisoning my body, and the negative thoughts, the depression, the anxiety. These things were poisoning my mental well being.

When I was coming out of my mental break-down, I started to use positive reinforcement to change the direction of my life. I set out myself to be positive, more for myself than anything else. People around me have also benefited from my positivity, because I’ve been told that it’s brought their moods up  at various times.

It’s amazing to think that once I started to take the journey, it took steps to get the process  going. Finding the creative outlet was the start, giving myself a better hope for a future I wanted was the first step in this long process. It would take a bit of time before I would realize that I needed to physically change as well.

Once I took that path, this was something that I wasn’t counting on fundamentally changing me. I’ve not had any strong bouts of depression since, the six-week recovery process from my surgery. I’ve been stronger than ever, and I constantly push myself to do more activity. I have people come up to me at work and tell me that they watch me do my laps to get my steps in, and it’s a conversation that takes place in their offices. Not only that, but the inspiration I’ve been showing others, makes me feel good.

It takes time to change, it takes time to do things to improve yourself. It’s not surprising when bad habits come back in, because at first you think that it’s only this one time. Then later you give yourself the excuse that you won’t let it come back totally, but another time won’t hurt. That’s when the sense of false security falls in. It was about five or six months after my surgery, when I decided to try a donut. I had been around them for months, but I was able to resist them. This one time I decided why the hell not, that it wouldn’t hurt just to have one donut. I was wrong, and I felt like I was going to die for the next half hour. I don’t even know why the process of it was going through my head. I don’t have any desire to eat donuts, and honestly there are times that I might eat something because it’s there, but I realize it, and I try not to let it happen often.

The success in all of that is the fact that I weighed-in the other day, and I was down 153.7 pounds. It feels amazing, yet unbelievable to see that I’m sitting at 276.2 pounds right now. That means that I have about sixteen pounds to go before I hit my next small goal weight. Now that I’m over fourteen months out from my surgery, the weight isn’t falling off like it used to be, yet I still push and kick ass. With a BMI of thirty-nine-point-six, I’m feeling pretty fit. I know that I have a long ways to go before I get to the weight I want to be, but it still feels good for the success of my hard work. I’m not stopping now, and I don’t plan on stopping ever, because the after effects of the workout is part of what makes me feel better.

Just keep in mind that if at anytime you decide to change your life in any aspect, please, pay closer attention to the things you do, and why you’re doing them. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Work Flow Struggle

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So, I’ve been working the night shift for the last four weeks, and I’ve got about five-and-a-half months to go before I’ll be able to change to back to another shift. I’m not complaining about the work, because night shift is easy, and it allows me to get in my ten-thousand steps relatively uninterrupted. There are other pluses about the shift, like not having to deal with the every day politics that goes on during the normal working hours, and I’m not killing my skin by being out in the sun all day, yet being a family man has put a damper on some of the ways I spend my “quality time” with them.

That’s one of the tricks there, having to switch between the days, and nights during my days off, so that I can see, and be with my family, so they know that I haven’t forgotten them while I “burn the midnight oil” while I’m at work. So, my sleep schedule is shit, but I’m not going to let a little thing like sleep, keep me down. I find that the first half of the week starts  out stronger than the second half. Once I hit my Wednesday-Thursday part of the week, I’m ready to be done, and I find it harder to keep awake.

Outside of that, I find that my creativity is down and that I’m only really able to get things done on the Sunday that I stay up to get ready for my work week. This has made me consider and possibly long for the days of being on day shift. I did it for ten-years, and I find that being creative comes better for me at night, then it does during the day.

This presents a problem as I’ve got a couple of projects that are going to be moving into the pre-production stage relatively soon, and I have several things to do before we actually start filming. I can’t wait until the days of my brands making the living that I’ve been looking forward too.

The reasons that I decided to go to the night shift was to be able to have the knowledge that I’ve done every set of shifts on the weekday side, and it gives me the chance to learn aspects of the job, that wasn’t necessarily a part of the day shift. That and the fact that I could focus on getting my steps in during the shift. While day’s are busy, it doesn’t give me much time to get the steps in.

So far, I find that I prefer the mid-shift because it was a good way for me to get a good amount of sleep. My sleep schedule wasn’t shit, which was a first in the ten-plus years being at my job. I liked that it started out being busy and would start to slow down about half-way through so that I could get my steps in. I know that it sounds a bit selfish, but with the journey that I’ve taken in my life, I feel that the motivation isn’t misplaced. The only down side of doing the mid-shift was that I spent even less time with the family, but it made the weekend’s even more special.

Anyway, I’ve got about twenty-one more weeks until we get another shift change, and “my momma didn’t raise no quitter”. It gives me the chance to continue to work on my personal goals, with my steps, and weight loss. I just hate the fact that my work week consists of me in the internal zombie mode until about the time I actually go to work.  The cold at night has been sucking lately, and I’ve had to get thermals to help keep me warm. Yet, I will endure.

I’m sure that given enough time, I will figure everything out and get the creativity flowing before I actually have to go to work, and that means, I might have to start from the time I get up, until my shower to actually work on things. That’s not such a bad idea, now that I think about it.

Speaking of projects, The Reunion should be out in a couple more weeks, as I’ve gotten the title credits done, and sound editing done. Now I just need the music, and do the end credit sequence and I’ll have it out. I feel happy that I can now do basic animation on Adobe After Effects.  That was something that kept me from getting anything done with the short, and while I changed the way I was doing things, I think that it came out decent, and I totally think that practical effects is going to be the way I prefer to go, until I get that big budget movie money to hire a real CGI expert. Movie making is a team effort.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Putting Tabasco on the Basco

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I want to give a huge thank you and shout out to Sam Basco. We’ve known each other for twenty-years, and for most of that time we kept talking about doing some working out together. I would find excuse after excuse on why I wasn’t ready to work out with him, and that was how things went for many years.

Sam’s a good guy, he has a love of comics, martial arts, and health. Among other things Sam has written articles on the subject of physical fitness. As I’ve discovered, Sam is really a jack-of-many-trades when it comes to personal training. Not only is he a coach and a personal trainer, he’s also a dietician, a physical therapist, and teaches me life lessons.

Sam’s been the right element to help push my physical transformation. He keeps me honest, and knows when to push me to go harder. He’s also been helping me find my inner warrior, which is something that I never sought out before. I appreciate it because there have been times in my life that I needed more than I was getting, and I wouldn’t stand up for myself. I would just take, and take, until I exploded.

I was out of control and I had no direction. Now things have become different, I’m different, more motivated. It sometimes seems like it’s been easy, but these improvements have taken years to come, and my willingness to change. Sad part is, death was the eye opener. I felt like I was on my way there, and there was a point that I didn’t care.

It sounds kind of selfish now that I think of it. I mean, I have a loving wife, great kids, so why wouldn’t I care about living? Being a depressant doesn’t work like that, all the thoughts are, of wanting the feeling to end. I remember doing things while being depressed that would defer me from having to deal with those feelings. Sarah didn’t understand. The children just say that dad was closing himself off from everyone else. I just wanted the feelings to go away.

Again, it’s a shame that it takes something major to wake yourself up from whatever is going on. I think that the sign that God sends. You need to deal with your issue and buy putting something in front of you, or in this case myself. I had to decide how I was going to handle it. Did I want to continue down the same self-destructive path that I had been on for a few years? Did I want to find that light at the end of the tunnel?

Finding that light was deciding that I wanted to improve my quality of life. I had enough of quantity, and I needed substance to fulfill myself. When I say quantity, I mean I was living off of the pleasure of satisfying my insecurities with food. All the food, all the time. Depression, feed the comfort food to it. Boredom, keep the entertainment by feeding the mouth and keeping the taste buds distracted. Yet, there was always something missing. I wasn’t ready to be goal oriented. I was just skating by with a job, and home life, there wasn’t anything else, and I knew that I wasn’t satisfied, but I didn’t want to listen to myself until the possible loss of employment changed my life.

I wish that we as a a society didn’t have to wait or deny that our persons need a change from self-destruction. I wish that I was “woke” to the situation that I needed to change something. Unfortunately, that takes a courage that all too many times  we lack. Is this because of our vanity? Or is it that change is something that most people seem to fear?

Too often we are taught in society that different isn’t good. While it seems that some of society standards have changed there are those who can’t seem to grasp change. Racism was the social norm until the civil rights movement changed that. Yet, you still hear that hatred being perpetrated, just on a quieter scale. Classism on which people of varying economic levels, view those of a lower class to be beneath them.

Is this why people are ingrained to ignore changes needed in their behavior? Is it truly that rare case in where someone decides to break the social standards, and rise above their giving station in life? I lived a very self-serving life when I was younger, and while I was always a “nice guy”, I had my own motivations for doing things. In a way I still do, just now I choose to help others, because in my motivations, it brings me happiness to see someone better themselves. I wish there were more people like that.

I would hope that anyone reading this would take a look at themselves, and see what changes they might need in their lives. If for any reason is to reflect on the types of decisions that they might make, or constantly make. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Buck Fifty and Some Change

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So, I had waited a few weeks before I decided to weigh myself. I was fully dressed and it was the middle of the day when I decided to get on that scale and check my weight. There’s days that I don’t feel that I’m doing well enough on my journey for weight loss, and when that happens, I don’t feel confident enough to check my weight. I had taken a week off from my personal training because I had changed to the night shift at work.

This move has defiantly been a challenge to adjust, especially since I’ve never had to put in late hours like that before. The first week, was about me trying to adjust and not feel tired all day. Yet, that’s how the first week on night shift felt like I was in a zombie state all week. This week was far easier to handle.

Any way, taking that week off from my workouts, I had a week where I felt fat. That is something I still struggle with. I’m not sure that those feelings are going to go away at anytime soon. It’s the reprogramming from the years of abuse that I need to remember isn’t going to be undone in the foreseeable future.

Anyway, as I stepped on the scale, I weighed-in at 279.9. The  awesomeness also came in the fact that my BMI is at forty-point-two. It’s exciting to know that I’m still doing well, and that a week didn’t hurt to take off, at least I was still getting in my 10,000 steps in.

Great news in the weight loss journey, plus the fact that I’m also down another size in pants, I’m feeling really damn good about it. I’ve been working so hard to get down, and I still have a ways to go, but to have a non-scale victory is just as good, as seeing the numbers go down. As long as the motivation to keep moving and doing the best job to keep active goes, that’s the important part.

I want to give a shout out to some people that have come up to me in the last few weeks to thank me, and tell me that I’ve been an inspiration to them. Thank you, and also you’re welcome. This is the reason I started to use the CK Project as a tool. I wanted to be an inspiration for people to want to better themselves. So comments like that, just show that I haven’t been waisting my time by putting my stuff on social media. That’s a skill that I’ve been working on for a while now, and finding new avenues to present things would be. Remember that my main page for it is https://www.facebook.com/ChrisKeelingProject/ and I’m on Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat, and newly MeWe. 

Not only am I about inspiring others, but I feel that we as a people need to help and look out for each other. I had an unfortunate situation at work as I learned that a co-worker had passed on while at home. I can’t say that I was completely surprised as he was starting to get up there in years, and he wasn’t in the best of health. The hard part is that the last time I had seen him, he had been looking a bit rough, and then hearing co-works say that he’d seemed different, and that they had feared that he was getting too sick to actually be effective at work, makes me sad. If you see something wrong with a co-worker, please say something. It might be the thing that might help to keep somebody from perishing before their time. I wish that I would have known that it was that bad, I would have suggested him to get checked out.

He was a great guy to know, and I think work will be a bit less bright with out him there. This has been the third death that has happened within the last few months that has hit a bit too close to home for me, but life goes on, and I hope that this doesn’t keep happening for a while. Too many good people have pasted lately and it’s emotionally taxing when you’ve got those who need the support because of their loss. It’s a painful reminder that we’re all getting older.

On another positive note, my eldest child got done with school this past week, and I’m proud that she’s got a bright future in front of her. I can’t believe that she’ll be eighteen soon, and ready to fly the coupe. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Fill In The Blank, I’m An Addict

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As I was sitting here, editing the sound on my short, I needed a break, and so I thought that I would blog. The thing about this blog, is that I had been sitting on this idea for a little while. Plus, life has been going pretty damn good for me, so I haven’t had anything on my mind in particular to say, until the other night.

There are times that life brings up “ghosts of the past”. I never did drugs, and I was never an alcoholic, but I’ve gone through some different spouts of addiction in my own right. I’ve seen people deal with other aspects of addiction, and I’ve observed how it’s affected people.

I used to be addicted to food. It was a way I would find comfort in life, and it was something to help me because of boredom. This later one, has tried to creep back in a bit. I’m also addicted to entertainment. That goes anywhere from video games, to movies, and music. I’m also an addict to attention, in particular that of beautiful women.

Food used to be the answer for everything. I mean if you look at society, it would seem that everything is built around this concept of food being at the center of most social gatherings. We have an over eaters anonymous, to help people who can’t stop eating. You go out to relax with co-workers, and it usually ends up at a bar, or a place for dinner. Family gatherings end up with mass amounts of food, and socializing. Any way, you can see where I’m going here. This is easily an addiction that most people don’t seem to realize, but that’s okay. It’s something that with a little thought, can be pondered on, and acted upon accordingly.

I love movies, music, video games. Hell, it all comes down to the fact that I’m addicted to stories. I use them as a way to escape the realities of what life can sometimes be. I can imagine myself to be something greater than I am through these same stories. Part of the issue that comes with this is procrastination. Probably the single worse enemy of any person who should be more productive in life. I found it kind of ironic that as I get into developing, or working on my own projects, the desire to watch or play, becomes far less than it usually is. I like going to the movie theaters because I like the experiences that it provides.

Now, talking about my addiction to attention, is probably the harder one to talk about. I’ve made some really bad choices when it’s come to the attention that I have sought in the past. Being an only child who would get pick on for being a “lesser class” of person on a military base, had given me the bad attention, and I was always wishing that I could fit in. Getting called “fat” and “ugly” are a few words that. stuck with me. They still affect my decisions at times thirty-years later.

My desire of attention has at times been a blessing. I found at a young age that I had the talent to be a performer. While in grade school I was in choir, and then again in high school. I found an even bigger love for acting. I took some classes when I went to the local community college, and I was hooked. This would eventually lead me to wanting to become a director, and the rest is history.

The thing about performing, or speaking in front of people gets me high. It’s an incredible energy that I just can’t get enough of. Part of it was to feed my ego, and there was another part that I loved about making people feel different ways. I’ve always loved to me people laugh, it’s something I still do today. Yet it was even more powerful when I could grab their full attention, and take them on an “emotional rollercoaster ride” with whatever was in my characters intentions.

This is where I found being a writer and a storyteller is an art. The truth is, I want people to feel a mixture of emotions when they see my movies. I want to make people laugh at one moment, and then cry the next. This is where my addiction has taken me. In the end, I just want people to look at the piece, and talk about how it made them feel. I want to know that there was a discovery of something that made them feel a specific way.

The attention from the people I have found attractive, has gotten me in trouble a few times. I see that this part of the addiction is where I can be self destructive. I’ve womanized, I’ve hurt some really good people because of these actions. While I can never take away what I have done. I realize that I can grow from it. I guess this would be the drug that I’ve been addicted to the most. It’s never easy to mention that it had been a problem, and usually when I can’t figure how to deal with what is going on in my life, I find that this has been where I would turn.

I’m not proud that I’ve been this way, but I’ve settled with my problems, and haven’t had to turn this way in a long time. Finding a purpose in life has given me the meaning that I’d been looking for, and self improvement is becoming the new addiction.

Any addiction can be destructive. It can ruin lives, and relationships. I’ve had friends, and family who’ve had addiction as well. It’s always good to find a way to help those who need to get over their addiction. The biggest thing to remember is that the only way to get over any addiction, is that they have to want the help first. I was at  the point where I wanted the change and needed the help, and that is why I’ve been successful with getting over some of my issues. I hope that if somebody needs helps, they can get the help they need.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.