Author: CK Project

In 2011, I started the CK Project as a way to hold myself accountable during my weight loss journey. In 2013 I had a mental breakdown and almost ended my life. A year later I found myself in a position to reflect on my choices in life and decided to turn my life around. I started blogging on Facebook to help myself heal, and to show others that my mental health struggles weren’t the end of my journey. I used this as therapy, and a way to reach out to others who might be struggling. In 2016, I started blogging on Wordpress, and it was a way to help spread the word of my own experiences. I got back into the weight loss journey in 2017 and had the Gastric Sleeve done in December 2017. I’m open about my struggles with depression and anxiety that sometimes comes with it.

Wear Your Damn Mask

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So, I had been feeling very tired for the last week, and my breathing has been a bit labored. Yesterday morning, I got tested for Covid-19. As someone who’s not gotten very sick since I lost so much weight, that this was concerning. Unfortunately, I have to wait ten-to-fourteen-days until I get my results. The reason that I had noticed anything was that my eldest had mentioned to my wife that she had lost sense of taste and smell.

As I thought about it, I had noticed that I had been tired while getting closer to the time that I would go to work. I thought that it was just because I sleep like shit anyway. That’s been something that has been going on my whole life any way. Nightshift doesn’t really help anything as it is. Then I started noticing other things like a headache on a regular basis.

The other thing that got me was that I noticed that my breathing wasn’t normal. You know how it feels different breathing while you’re sick? That the air just doesn’t seem to go through as easy? Well, that’s exactly as I’ve been feeling.

Now the sad part is that this pandemic is very real. I’ve known several people personally to have had it. People at my work as well, but the real issue is that somehow it’s become political. While I usually try to avoid politics, when I involve the CK Project, I do have somethings to say on this subject. The sad part is that I have people on both sides of this argument.

Look, I get that wearing a mask “seems” to infringe on your “freedom”, but let’s face fact, all the conspiracy theories and how you’re not going to be a “sheep”, just makes you come off like an asshole. Seriously, doctor’s wear masks for hours at a time in an operation room, you really think a thirty-minute trip is going to kill you?

Oh yeah, it’s a political ploy so by November, it’s just going to disappear. Look, the numbers aren’t exactly matching up, and it’s “not that bad”, and I get that, but it’s still early in the process. Hell, we’re probably close to a year into the exposure to Covid-19, is it comparable to the Spanish Flu? Well, that did last over two-years, so those stats are final, this isn’t.

The worst part about all of this is, are that mistakes are being made and the numbers aren’t to be trusted. Why? Again because it’s political, and I’ll say that money being involved with the stats, kind of keep it political as it is. I mean, the “mighty dollar” is what runs everything. So, we’re getting fucked because of it.

I’m scared, and not for myself, but for my family members because their immune systems suck. My oldest, probably got it, and it wasn’t like she was out being stupid about things. I know my kid, and she’s gonna do all she can to stay safe. Yet you have people pulling their masks down and coughing without covering their mouths(and yes, that’s a jab at that old guy at Walmart who coughed like that as I walked by).

I get why people have doubts though. It’s easier to deny the unknown, and let’s face it, people aren’t very good at dealing with life and death matters as it is. It’s so much easier when someone doesn’t have anyone they know involved, however, that narrative is starting to change. I’m seeing people start to give the warnings a bit of credence. The sad part is that if the ‘self-entitled freedom fighters” would have listened in the first place, we probably wouldn’t be dealing with the epidemic anymore. However, people are, well they are self-interested. I’ll leave it like that.

So here I am, off work for fourteen days. I tried to avoid coming in contact, however I had to get things during this time, and it was a matter of time with working during this whole thing. On the bright side, I was able to work on post production for The Driver.

It’s only test footage at this time, and it’s been great practice for myself and my crew. Visually, it’s helping me mold my character, and the visual part of the storytelling. We’ve reshot this so much and it’s been fun, and now that I can see that it’s helping me mature as a filmmaker. It’s giving Sarah sometime behind the camera as assistant director, as I’m doing both directing and acting. I’m having fun with it.

So, I’m doing all that I can to make the best of what I can, when I’m not sleeping that is. I’ve slept so much since I’ve been off, it isn’t even funny. My sleep schedule is even more shitty as it is. I’ve been averaging about three hours a night, when I go to actual bed.

With that being said, I think that this will be it for now. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

“We’re All Going Through Changes”

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Change is happening all around us at all times. Change is constant, and yet it seems like something that people fear the most. With change, brings something different, sometimes better, and sometimes not. Why fear something that’s inevitable?

I look at my children, and am reminded that as they grow older, they are changing. Their personalities aren’t the same as they were as where as toddlers. They are discovering their own likes and interests, that aren’t always influenced by their parent’s tastes. Yet at the same time, I see Sarah’s and mine influences on some of those things they do like.

I’ve been going through changes, especially since I had my gastric sleeve done. My attitude has gotten better, I feel more active, more alive, and I appreciate things so much more. I think the biggest change that’s really come for me, is the self realization that the way I treated people, and the way I allowed them to treat me, wasn’t okay.

I use humor in almost all aspects of my life. The people I joke with, I know that I can have a viscous wit towards. It’s sad that if I like someone I tend to joke with them, and treat them  kind of shitty at times. If I don’t like someone, I just don’t associate with them. To those friends that I might have gone too far with, I apologize. To the one’s that I love, or have loved, I am sincerely sorry for the hurt I’ve caused in your lives. I wasn’t always the best mentally, and you’re the one’s who’ve suffered the most for it.

Regardless of how my journey goes, I have some of the best people in my life. Sarah has always been a constant reminder of the love and dedication I can find in one person. For that I’m always thankful for.  She’s always going to be a big part of me, no matter what happens in life.

Saturday ended up being a day that really caused me to reconsider so much of what had been going on. Little Chris had a seizure while we were out of town and I got so worried about him. My biggest fear is that my children pass on before I do. I think that, as I also know, that is most parent’s biggest fear. I’ve witnessed this happen to good friends of mine, and it’s the hardest thing to witness.

I know that the last several months have put perspective in my life. I want to say that the quarantine had something to do with it, but it doesn’t. I’ve been one of the people deemed “essential personal” or as some people joke, “expendable”. That’s just added more stress because I’ve got family members in my household who’ve got weakened immune systems.

At least things are semi getting back to normal. I was able to actually go back to the gym and work out. It was nice to feel myself putting in the same effort as when I had to stop. I just know that now I need to get really serious and start dropping this last stretch of weight that I’ve been holding on too. Being stuck to my own devices, and I slacked. At least I’ve stayed fairly consistent with my walks.

This year has proven to be an interesting one to say the least. I’m sure that I’m not the only one to have had my mental health tested, time and time again. Do you know what I mean? I’ve seen it on in my kids, and my wife. This hasn’t been the most pleasant experience.

Another thing that has been an eye opener, is the fact that with the Black Live Matter movement, I’ve seen the ugly come out of unexpected places. People that I would have never thought had those kinds of opinions, have shown me the substance of which they’re really made of. I’ve seen some with whom I expected to come out racist, show that they are strong allies, and I’ve seen those who, I thought were more open minded about people, show their opinions.

My thoughts are this: We are in a time where more people are “woke” to the way that the world is run. The whole thought process on the Black Live Matter movement, I wasn’t sure what I would say about it. The rioting, I had an opinion, then I saw someone stay something else, and I decided that I would listen, and try to understand that point of view. So that’s exactly what I did. When the players in the NFL kneeled at the National Anthem, I had an opinion, but then I listened. if there’s anything I can say, is that if you feel strongly one way or another, try and listen, and see if you can understand things from a different point of view.

Racism is wrong, that’s not something up for debate. It’s an old train of thought that should have died out with the Civil Rights Movement. Yet, here we are, seeing it on the news, and internet. I find it a ridiculous concept, and I’ve been discriminated against for my weight, and my economic class. I think the behaviors of the hatred I’m seeing is sad, and I’m disappointed, because I expect better of people.

This is the world we seem to live in, a toxic society that promotes hatred, and judgement, and the media tends to play both sides. I agree that police reform must be made, but that doesn’t excuse the way people come off entitled in society and think that can just be disrespectful towards authority. Again, the whole system needs to change, but it’s not that one side, there needs to be both sides trying to fix the matter, and the communications are fucked up.

We should hold each other to a higher standard, and not just because people are watching, and yes, people are watching, but because we as a people need to be better. I experience entitled attitudes at work. I experience and witness these same attitudes out in the public, while shopping. Why? Because you’re not having it your way? Because you feel inconvenienced?

Customer service is one of the most stressful jobs in the world, because you’re constantly treated like shit, and it’s usually beyond your control. I’ll go further, being a geek, I see the same common issues in the geek community. “You can’t have a black storm trooper”, I mean come on, and you fucking kidding me? As a people who’ve been discriminated against, what gives us the right to tear our people down, or show that hatred towards others?

This is why so many people are struggling with mental health issues, because someone always seems to want to tear down someone else just to feel bigger, or more important. It happens in all walks of life, LGBTQA+? Bisexuals are often discriminated against, but why? Shouldn’t we all be accepting of each other, just for the fact that we are human?

I know that this blog might not sit well with some people, and while I would hate to lose followers, if somehow I’ve offended someone that bad, I guess that’s the way it has to be. I’m gonna try not to judge anybody who’s offended, but I’m gonna also ask that if what I say has offended anyone, before you totally block, delete, call me out, try and look into yourself, and find why it is that you’re offended. Not only that, if there’s something about the situation that does offend you, please research it out for yourself, and see if you can find something more than assumptions on the subject. You might just be enlightened by what you discover.

Part of the problem I’m seeing is that we’re being lied to from all sides. The media lies, the lessons in school can be misleading. All I say is that research, and take time to actually listen to what’s going on. I don’t want anyone to be hated because of a difference of opinion. Often times I see healthy debate, degrade down to simple adolescent name calling, and that’s not getting us anywhere as a society.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

I’m Fighting Through

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Okay, so I know that it’s been awhile since I’ve actually provided any sort of content. To say that we live in difficult times, is an understatement. Myself professional, and personally have been met with some rough times. Some of it has to do with some major self-realization. It’s the self-realization that’s been the hardest part.

Emotions have been high, as well. Those who know me, and the things I do to make money, know that some of the current events of the last few months have really hit close to home for me. Some of them have gotten me to question my own views and beliefs that I’ve had for years. With that, I can say that listening, and reflecting on what the message really is, goes a long way in understanding the situation from another perspective. It may even make you question if you’re part of the problem without realizing it.

I realized that I felt a certain way about the kneeling at the national anthem when it happened. I had the gut reaction of how wrong it was. Yet, then I listened, and I realized that there was something more than the media was saying going on. I felt a certain way about the Black Lives Matter movement, but I began to listen. That was the same way with the rioting and looting, while I don’t necessarily agree with those actions, I now understand the frustration behind it. I also understand that there are opportunist out there, looking to get away with doing illegal actions.

The point is, I listened. I tried to understand why these actions had been going on the way they were. I wanted to understand the frustrations of the people protesting. I did it for growth. I listened for understanding so that I could myself grow from not paying attention like I should have.

I know that people have said that this year was even worse than last year, which most people seemed to hate how it went anyway, but I’ve found this a particularly enlightening year. Like I’ve said in most years past, when everyone wants the fresh start from the new year, I feel that it doesn’t really change anything. It’s all in how you react to the situations at hand.

I hear so much complaining about what’s going on, i.e. work, earthquakes, or weather conditions, and yet there’s never any solutions given in that same set of breaths. The truth is, unpopular opinion is that most people seem to complain, just to complain. If you hate the earthquakes, and think that they need to stop, the best way to do that is move. It’s not like there’s anywhere else that does’t have its own set of  natural disasters. Just pick your poison and endure. Don’t like your job? Get a new one. I know that it isn’t always that simple, however, unless you’re willing to try and change the scenario, stop complaining. Most people don’t really care for the complaints.

I try to keep real with everyone, especially for my own details. I know that some people have felt that I’ve been complaining, but my intent has always been to keep truth involved, both the negative and positive. I know I’m known as a pretty positive person, but even I have doubts, and depressive episodes. It’s not something that I suffer alone, because I’ve had other’s reach out and thank me for being brave enough to share my struggles.

As I’ve grown, I’m viewing some of my past actions as unacceptable. I’m also realizing that the way I’ve allowed others to treat me, is also unacceptable. The truth is, people can be ugly to each other. I know that my sense of humor can be very mean at times. I know that the snide remarks made towards my weight, has done more damage, then I would have let on. I’ve hurt people that I call close, and that I love. My realization is that I can do better, I can be better, and I will do better.

Mentally, things have been taxing lately. There has been so much going on in the world, and it’s affected me on a professional and personal level. There have been days that I felt like I wanted to give up on things. Yet, I keep on going, I’m trying to look for that motivation deep down, but at this moment it hasn’t seemed like I can find it. My motivation has been down for doing things most my time off. My creativity has been suffering the most.

I know that this year has been a rough one for most people. I know that we’ll all get through this ordeal, but we need to be cautious, and we need to be diligent in keeping ourselves safe. I know that there are people who don’t believe that the Coronavirus really exists. I know five people who’ve had it, and most of them I actually know personally, and can say that I’ve never gotten the vibe that those individuals would have any alternative motivations, then being truthful. As I’ve said this to some of the non-believers, I’ve watched their faces change drastically.

One of those things that I can say about the Coronavirus is that I don’t really know how sever it is going to be if it affects my family. The people that I do know who’ve had it, have survived. I think one of the biggest things about all that’s been going on, is that it seems that the professionals don’t even know what it’s all about, and I understand because this is new. Yet it’s frustrating because things seem to be contradictory from the various sources that are keeping up with the epidemic at hand. The one thing that I’ve picked up on is the fact that as everything opens back up, and the group settings keep going, things are going to get worse. Please be careful, and mindful.

While things are looking to be getting worse, things will get better. We should remember to treat each other so much better than what’s been shown lately. I have faith that we can all be better humans, and I wouldn’t expect anything less. I’ll be honest, after what happened to George Floyd, I’ve seen an ugliness in people that I expected better from, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Quarantine Mother’s Day

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They are the first person we ever have a connection with. They are they first person that we find trust and security in. They are the hardest and most under appreciated workers that we’ll ever meet. As the title says, I’m thanking and appreciating the mom’s.

Through out my life, I’ve known some of the most amazing mother’s out there. The woman who raised me being one. The woman who risked her life to provide me with my two favorite humans. The compassion that these woman have shown, as well as other mother’s in my life, is inspiring.

This year is a banner year for many mother’s this because of epidemic that the world faces. What is often taken for granted is for once looked upon as a morose time because not everyone is able to see their mother’s. The event’s of this year has brought light to many things that we had often took for granted.

Going back, I have a mother, with whom I reconnected with about ten-or-so years ago. It was nice to actually talk to the woman who had given birth to me. We have common interests, and I was also able to meet my half-siblings. It was my sister who had reached out to me through Myspace and we had started a relationship. I’m not close to any of them, and I’ll be honest, I feel that it’s been more on me than anyone else. I have tried to be a good big brother when they had gone through issues, and I’ve tried to be a supportive son. Unfortunately, I’d been living my life without them for so long that it gets hard to put into perspective my emotions about how I feel.

I do think about them, and I know that I should reach out more often, and I think at some point soon, I will do exactly that. It’s just hard when certain realities start coming into the forefront of how things might have played out in the relationship between my parents. That’s something that I’m not going to get into though.

I have the step-mother who raised me. Truth is, she’s my mom. I’ve known her my whole life, and then she’s the one who was there through my accident, my dark times, and my good times. She taught me what it was to be a decent person. I have so much gratitude for this woman, who’s also loved my dad for her whole life.

For Sarah, the woman who I’ve spent most of my adult life with. I have so much that I can, and need to say about this woman. She picked me up when I was a broken shamble of a man. She helped me heal from one of the worst relationships that I had ever had, and she saw me at my lowest. She’s also seen me at my best. She’s been the woman to decide that I would be worthy enough to have not one, but two of the most awesome children that I’ve ever known.

She’s the one person who seems to know me better than most. Often times, I find her frustrating because of that, but at the same time I’ve been blessed to have her by my side throughout the years. One thing is that our relationship has gone through some rough waters, and the dichotomy of our relationship is evolving. Now, as I’m getting better, her health has been failing, and I’m constantly having to learn how to “up my game” in support.

That’s one thing that I’ve always tried to do, support her, in every endeavor that’s she’s wanted to do. I support her love of photography, and have always wanted to see her flourish in that as a profession. As we’ve been doing films, she’s come to find a love for special effects make-up, and she’s really good. The proof is in the fact that she put a bruise on her arm and I’m getting a message asking if I had hurt her. The proof is in the fact that when we’ve done test footage, I’m getting questions asking about what happened to me, and if I was okay.

She’s the toughest woman I know, because she stays by me, even if I don’t think that she should have. She’s learning to deal with her deteriorating health, and still be a good mother, and wife to me. All while she’s trying to get her professional certificate in behavioral science.

I’m just a father, I know that isn’t something to sneeze at, because I’m a decent father, but I don’t feel that I’ve had to put in the effort for the demands that the kids put on her. If they need something, she’s the one they call on. As a husband and a man, I’m certain that I also put the same demands as the kids do.

Again, I’m a father, I feel like I’m the fun one. Yet at the same time, I know that I’m the one looked too to keep discipline in the house. If the kids cause trouble, I’m the one who has to the attitudes in check. There had been many nights that I had been texted with emotions on not being home and the kids misbehave. It’s been pointed out that it’s unfair that is what happens most nights. I see the frustrations in her face, and in her voice when Little Chris has gotten over stimulated, and had a melt down.

I can’t even begin to imagine how it is for the single parents. I tip my hat, because child rearing is one of the most difficult, emotional, often times frustrating things to do in life. So for those who end up pulling double duty, I salute you. It’s hard enough being a father, but when having to take the responsibilities of what mom does is a challenge.

I know that there’s been times that Sarah was sick and I would have to take on the chores of keeping the little humans alive. It’s difficult, and she makes it look easy. I did alright, I mean I still have all my children. It just makes me appreciate the fact that a mother’s job is a lot of work. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in this adventure.

If you still have your mother in your life, give her a call and tell her that you appreciate her for everything she’s done for you. If you have a wife, or a significant other, who does the child rearing, let them know that you appreciate everything they do for your children, and for you. It usually goes hand-in-hand.

Anyway, thank you again for all that you do, moms. I remember a quote from the movie The Crow(1994) and it goes, “mother is the word for God, on the lips of children”, and how profound a comic book movie could say something like that. It’s a great movie, and has some great lines like that. “Mother is the word for God, on the lips of children”. That line has always stuck with me, and I think that it applies more weight now, that I’m a father, and I see how my children are towards their mother.

It’s not always easy to have a family. There are often fights, tears, emotions, that come with raising children. Parent’s aren’t always going to see eye-to-eye, but this has been an amazing journey and two-and-a-half of the best decisions I’ve ever been apart of. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk and we will get through this difficult time in life.

I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.

March Dragged, April Flew

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It’s crazy how the events of this year has gone so far. With the Coronavirus epidemic, March seemed like the longest month ever. Mentally,  I think society was put to a test that nobody had time to study for. Every workday for me felt like Monday, and there were meme’s that echo’d that same sentiment. Life became more stressful than was expected, and my concerns for my family had hit an all-time-high.

In contrast to March being the longest month known to man, April just decided to run off and be done in like two weeks. It’s crazy that May is already upon us. This year has already been interesting and more testing than I think anyone would care to admit. This is going to be an interesting year. I know that I’ve said it about one-hundred times, but it’s true. I want to say that this may be that situation that’s become a survival of the fittest. That’s a shitty way to look at it, but it seems to ring true.

I know that one of the things I’m doing is I’m going to do that No Zero Day May challenge like I did last year where, the object was to have at least thirty-minutes of activity everyday. I’m not going to actually ask anybody to join me in this challenge this year, well, because of the current circumstances, I don’t feel that it’s going to be appropriate too. If you do want to join and share on the CK Project, I won’t turn it down. I’m just not going to be all about it for others at this time.

Mental sanity is important, and I’m feeling that I’ve been in the right mindset for it, mostly. I think that the night shift is wearing on me, and while I’m working towards the fourth month, of my six-month rotation, I don’t foresee us changing shifts in July, like we would normally do. The Coronavirus also makes looking for work a bit more difficult, as I’m looking to grow professionally.

The stay-at-home-order has caused issues for many people. Some feel that they are being oppressed. Some of the complaints I’ve heard seem a bit like first world problems and it makes me sad. Look, this order isn’t about you. It’s to prevent the spread of something that could affect others. I might feel different about this because I know people who’ve actually contracted it. I’m glad that they’ve survived and it gives me hope that if I happen to get it, and accidentally contaminate my family, they survive as well.

That always adds to the mental health, stress, anxiety that tends to come around. I know that this doesn’t just apply to myself, but others as well. Just know that it will eventually get better, we just need to learn to be patient while this continues on. Truth is, nobody really knows what will happen once we open the country up. I mean we can predict and I’m in the thought of it’s just going to get worse, before it gets better, however, I also hope to be wrong about this.

Talking with my father, he said he heard that this won’t be over for two-years. I had to sit back and think about it. Cabin fever is a bitch, and I can’t imagine what would happen to our society if that’s the case. I mean the last time something like this happened was in the early parts of the nineteen-hundreds with the Spanish Flu, the biggest difference is that technology has greatly improved and made communications better.

Writer’s note: I started this blog a few days ago, I read something to add to this.

So, we’re getting ready to start easing back into a more fully functioning society. With that comes a whole new set of anxieties and stresses that come with it. Yes, I know that people are looking forward to getting back to a sense of “normalcy”, but the truth is, I don’t think there’s going to be “normalcy” for a long time. This will even be more true if history repeats itself and this turns out to be like the Spanish Flu. The second wave ended up being more fatal than the first one, and the number of deaths were quite a bit larger.

I’m not saying that history will repeat itself, however, history has a sense of irony that way. If this whole ordeal has taught us anything, is that we’re being lied too from all directions, and it’s unprecedented how much information is either false or misleading. So, can we check this off on another reason that anxiety is running high? I think this is coupled with the argument that people who seem to be supporting the “facts”, generally choice to listen to what fits their views and narratives. So that brings to question, is that really what’s defined as facts? Just because it fits the narrative that is being pushed?

Sorry, I went off in a different direction than I was expecting. It might be because of a conversation that I read online, or something. I try to stay away from talking religion and politics, because it generally brings out the worst in people. This is learned by spending way too much time on social media. This can also bring on another level of anxiety as well.

My social media has evolved into my brand work, and that’s it. I figure that if people are motivated to push their opinions and sometimes be mean to each other, that I can just scroll on. Guess what? It works! This is how anxiety can be reduced, by not focusing on the negative. I know people who I wish would do that, but it doesn’t happen, yet here I am, scrolling past, because it isn’t worth the stress and anger that tends to dwell within these things.

Remember the ninety-percent rule: The things in life that you can’t control are about ten-percent, while the other ninety is how you choose to react to it. I can’t remember where I heard this, but it’s something that’s stuck with me for so long now, and I agree with it. It’s seemed to make life easier to manage that way. I don’t always abide by that rule, remember the meltdown of 2013? Yeah, and it’s made me better for it for sure. The focus is where it needs to be.

Remember that life is surprising, and there are nuggets of randomness that comes at us. The epidemic is just one of many things that show us who we are. How do we want to be seen after all of this is over? Do we continue in the current journey’s that we are traveling, or do we look to grow and become better from it?

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Did You Say You Needed Help

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Part of my journey has been self-improvement, and the whole of my journey has been to help others by using my example to show others that there’s always hope. Lately, I’ve been talking to someone who seems to be at wits end, and I asked them to listen to my podcast, and read some of my blogs(Yes, it’s a bit of shapely promotion). I was told that my podcast was informative, and that I “write well”. These are things that I humbly take as a compliment, and it shows me that I’m on the right path when it comes to some of the things that I’m doing.

This person deals with grief and depression, which is something that I can connect with. I suggested that blogging was a great way to help work through some of those traumatic things that would be plaguing them. I think the more a problem is talked about, the less impact it has in our day-to-day lives. This has been true for me, and I’ve seen it in others. I wonder if this is why psychiatrists have you talk them out? I’ll have to ask a friend on that.

A common issue that I’m finding is that people don’t seem to know where to turn. Some have seen help, and it’s actually been successful. I’m an advocate for seeing professional help to get through the tough times. I understand where some might consider it viewed as looking crazy, and that’s where things get hard. People don’t want to be viewed as crazy, so they’ll try to handle their problem on their own. I speak from experience on this, as I also didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems. Yet, the problem never goes away. It just keeps building, and getting worse until all control is lost and suicide or some other extreme action is taken.

I’m personally glad that I got help. I just didn’t know where to turn, and I was glad that it got forced upon me at the time. In this case, I’m glad someone has asked me on something that might help them get through dealing with the trauma. I just said what seemed to work for me, because I’m by far not a professionally trained person in this. I’m just glad that I can help, and I can usually point someone in the right direction for professional help.

I think one of the hardest parts when dealing with seeking professional help is that insurance doesn’t always cover it, and my guess is because mental health is still a bit of a taboo subject. I see that things are getting better at being accepted, or maybe it’s because it’s a niche area that I’ve found that’s showed support. It’s amazing how supportive this sect of people are. It’s also somber to see those how do have it worse than I have. I found myself looking at it and thinking that I need to find a way to get things right, because there are people who have it worse.

That’s what makes people unique. The way we deal with things, and how we choose to handle them. I know that I don’t always have my shit together, but I am trying to grow as a person, and learn how to get my shit together. That’s part of why I do help people, because it helps with a sense of satisfaction to know that I could positively help someone else out. That being said, with how I feel about those who do have it worse, I have realized that the few on worse, is relative to my experience, and not everyone can see that.

I know I’ve said that ego is our worst enemy, and I think it applies to any situation that comes up. Ego, can stop people from seeking the help that they need. Remember, that most people don’t want to be viewed as “crazy”.  Ego is the number one, relationship killer as well. It’s “never” my fault, that things are going wrong. Funny how much that’s being seen these days, even on a larger public scale. Yet, it’s ego that draws people in. I’m not going to say that it’s not something I’ve never experienced. I’ll call myself out and say that I have an ego, I’m learning to get past it, but if you ask some who are close, they’ll tell you that’s a lie.

This is one of those things that people have to learn to get past to get themselves the help they need. It took me a long time to realize that ego was getting in my way of getting the help I need. Ego was the thing that was holding me back from growing as a person, yet, I’m trying my best to help build people up, and improve themselves. Is it successful? Sometimes, and yet there are times, that I’ve had to be real and tell people to drop their own ego to realize what’s going on.

I have a longtime friend, who always seems to think that life is shitting on them, and that they feel that they need a break everything. Being friend’s with me isn’t easy because I keep it real, ie, if their being a dumb ass, I’m gonna tell them that. Sometimes having that truth can help correct the path that’s being taken. I’ve gotten several, “you’re right, I didn’t realize..” from that person. Again, ego can get in the way.

I’m trying to help, yes, it’s an ego thing. I think I realize this as I write this blog right here. I have always had this inclination of having a “white knight” mentality. I try to save the world, and it’s backfired on me more than a handful of times. I think the change in my approach came when I figured that I needed to show myself as an example and let people reach out asking for some guidance. I know that being open isn’t easy, I know that I’m getting judged on it. Maybe that’s where the ego has gone, in a different direction. I’m not perfect, I’m not the best, but I do try to make some sort of difference in life for the betterment of my fellow humans.

It’s surprising that people have received my openness, and given some of them a voice for themselves. Does it stroke the ego? I think there are days that I feel satisfied that I’ve been able to be a tool to help people. So, yeah, maybe it does a little bit, but I’m not up in anyone’s face about it. I figure that there are enough shitty people out there, that I hope not to be one of those people, and just want to help anyway I can. Those who do show the support, I thank you, it’s humbling that one: you’re paying attention, supportive or not. Two: Some of those have come in my defense when I’ve been questioned about my motives, that’s even more humbling. I’m in awe of those people in my life. Three: Those who do support me, help make it worth pushing through the doubts, and the unmotivated times. Yeah, it’s because the ego knows they’re watching.

To those who continue to support me, thank you. To those that have reached out for help, thank you for trusting in me to help guid you in the right direction. It gives me joy to know that I can be counted on with something so personal. I’ve found that after someone I had known briefly, had taken their life, had changed me fundamentally.  Maybe that is where the ego changed? I’ve learned more about being self-aware and it helps.” I have a problem, and this is where my problem lies”, I think this is a step to growth.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Realigning Priorities

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With society being on various forms of quarantine, those who stay home have mentioned things about learning a new skill, or finishing some sort of project that has been worked on, but never finished. I’m realizing that I need to start working on some of those things as well. I still have to work, and being on the night shift doesn’t make my motivation for the waking hours any easier.

I realize that I need to work on stuff that I’ve been working on, and I need to practice skills that I’m still in the early stages of getting better at. On the plus side, I’ve low-keyed gotten a few things done here and there, so I’ll take that as a win. The fact that I’m putting out blogs one to two times a week seems to align with the things I tried to do the last time I was on the night shift. I know that there were a few months that I didn’t seem to have much going on besides staying awake, but I’m going to do my best to keep providing the content. This is both for the purpose of being a creative person, and my mental sanity.

It feels like I don’t have enough time to do anything, except the physical activity that I do throughout the day.  Truth is, I have all these things that I have on the back burner, and I don’t want that to be an excuse, however sometimes I think that I try to take on too much and that’s why I tend to get stagnant when actually getting something out. Man, I also have this plethora of ideas being churned around in my head about this whole Coronavirus ordeal. In fact I think I have come up with a few story ideas, that I think I’ll start notes on here in the next few days.

This situation has also made me realize that I want to start keeping in better contact with those who I actually want in my life. I’ve been reaching out too those that I actually find to be important to me, and hope that I can keep the solid bases for the relationships I have. Doesn’t it bother anyone to want to do more with friends, and find that life has gotten too busy, or that we’ve become too distracted for communications? I know that I’d like to blame it on the fact that I’m too busy doing things all the time, but the truth is, I’m easily distracted.  What is the distraction, you might ask? Video games, movies, social media.

That last one kind of skirts the edge of a complicated relationship, not for just me, but I’m sure there are plenty of others who might relate. I know people like to keep up to date with what’s going on with who. Have we just gotten to the point where we want to know everyone’s business? Has it always been that way? So, there comes the other question: What about you, Chris? Why does social media distract you so much? I know that my view of social media changed after I started going to film school. I also know that my reason’s behind why I do social media has changed quite a bit.

I used to feel that I wanted to share every problem, opinion with everyone. Yes, it’s still true, but I do things a bit differently. I mean I would complain online about work, relationships, etc.. I would also celebrate the triumph and happy stuff too. How is that different than what I’m doing now? Social media is about promoting my brands. That’s what it’s about for me. Part of what it is, using my experiences to show people that there’s a better way, that the thoughts of depression and suicide aren’t always the final answer.

I’m about uplifting, encouraging, seeing others succeed. Watching others succeed in something I wish I was successful at isn’t always the easiest thing too endure. I’d love to be making the incredible content that I see some of my friend’s doing. I’d love to have that job that pays me to do what I actually love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my health and wellness brand, that’s where I find the most success as it is, with the most response. I’d just like my film company to be making something all the time, and I’m sure we’ll get there at some point in the future, it’s just hard to see others take that train to glory town sooner than expected.

I knew that I would end up running into a stump along my path, as I have a few times. It’s not uncommon or unexpected. I knew that putting this burden on myself, would be an undertaking, but I also knew that it would help keep my mind busy, which is a good thing.

One of the bright and consistent things, while I haven’t completely been motivated to workout, I haven’t done too bad otherwise. I’m still getting in workouts, even if they’re not always as intense as I usually do when I workout with Sam. I’m not feeling a shrinkage of any of my clothing that I wear day-to-day.

That’s one of those weird things about my  weight loss journey so far, that I’m in-between  sizes for somethings. I wear an extra-large to a two-x in shirts. I was up to a five-x for the longest time. Now I can wear large shorts, sometimes an extra-large in shorts depending on the make.

I didn’t ever consider that would be in anything under a three-x. So, I’m happy about the work that I’ve put into myself. I’ve also started working on getting to the point where I can do a hand stand, while I’m not there, I think that’s one of the next goals that I’m looking to achieve. This might take sometime, but I know that it’ll be worth it. I think I want to get into parkour at some point in the future. That’s one of those things that Assassin’s Creed(2007) had gotten me interested in.

I can’t believe that I’ve been living this new life for almost two-and-a-half-years now. I have no regrets, and I do think that I wish that I would have made that decision earlier to have the surgery, but I think that I had been in a kind of limbo from the end of 2013 and I was just actually understanding how to come back from it in 2015. It took the instance of actually coming to the realization that I could meet my maker in 2017, that gave me the view of needing to be reborn.

That is exactly what I’ve done, and I have the cognitive view to see how I’m changing. It’s something that I still see, and the realizations coming with that. I’m in the process of dealing with my past and self abuse. I’ve still got a long way to go, and I hope that I can figure it out.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, as it does deal with me as a whole, coming from focusing on my weight loss journey, and my mental health. Things are going well,  considering everything going on in this world. Remember to subscribe, and leave comments to help make this whole thing better and help me to keep improving my content. That’s the director, and that’s a wrap.

Easter 2020

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Wow, what a year this is turning out to be, and this being the first real holiday during the Coronavirus epidemic is just adding to the fact that has put strains on our first world lives. On a holiday that I would be spending it with my parents, and my kids, I find that this year isn’t going to be like many others. In fact, I should have been at Wonder Con this weekend, just like I have been for the last few years.

It’s funny to think that a convention would be something that I miss the most. Usually, we’d only spend half a day there since Sunday’s the closing day. I remember last year that we got to watch a Batman and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in a cross over movie, four months before it was to come out. I think we would still end up doing a little something for the holiday on the way home as it was.

This year was going to be exciting because I would get to share the experience of Wonder Con with one of my best friends. Her experience with conventions was always Clexicon which is in Las Vegas, and I think it would be fun to check out. Especially since it’s a LGBTQA+ centric convention in the entertainment industry. It helps to broaden one’s horizons.

The important part is that I did get to spend it with the family that I do live with, and that we’re all relatively healthy, considering everything. That’s something that has been an important highlight thorough out this epidemic, how important family is. How important  human connection is. I never gave too much stock in the ideas of energies until probably the last few years, but I’m starting to get it.

I think the fact that putting positive energy out, instead of the negative energy was something that I started doing to help myself feel better. It’s difficult when all you hear is negative stuff being spoken at work, and that was really starting to wear on me mentally. I wanted to be positive and would only speak positive because I wanted to feel better, and it seems to work. Though I know that it might sound ridiculous, just like the whole practice of positive affirmations, it does work.

Working out with Sam has taught me many things. One of those things is about the energies that connect us, and the energies we use when doing workouts. I’ve also learned that my body isn’t as functional as I thought it would be. I apparently don’t trust my body enough to do things that makes me feel unsafe. I guess that’s what being so heavy did to me, I can’t stand losing control of my body. So now I’m learning to trust being in different positions.

One of those things that I’ve been doing is trying to do assisted hand stands, and I’m getting more comfortable with my body upside down. I’ve actually done it a few days in a row, trying to stay upside-down for around twenty-seconds. This is the start of getting a full on handstand by myself and to be able to walk on my hands.

It feels like as I’m always starting over when I’m getting motivated to workout. At least I haven’t given up, and I am trying to stay mindful of everything that’s going on. I need this focus to help me stay more mentally healthy. I need this focus so that I don’t get back into the shape that I used to be. I think that I might have a slight case of body dysmorphia because of my experiences in life.

As this social distancing thing continues, it feels that life is dragging on. My workday’s are ten-hour days, but most days feel like they could be twenty. Plus everyday seems to feel the same, it’s almost like an eternal Monday going on here. It’s draining because it makes me feel that I’m always tired all the time. I feel like I want to sleep all the time.

I guess that I didn’t  realize that staying active and busy all the time helps keep me energized. I always looked at staying busy as a way to keep me distracted from having depressive thoughts. I know that anxiety, and overthinking are my enemy if I sit alone for too long and then I start questioning everything.

That actually doesn’t seem so uncommon, it makes me wonder why people have that go through their heads as well? It makes me wonder if I share more in common with my fellow person than I may realize? I know that I had a conversation with some female who I thought was popular in school, and a source of one of my crushes in school, and her sharing her story had made me realize that if those who seemed to be untouchably popular(in my mind) have those same struggles to deal with as well.

Going back to the fact that Easter was a different kind of holiday this year, reminds me of something that I’ve been saying for awhile now, this world is forever changed by the COVID-19  pandemic. Which leads to the thoughts of how are they going to stay different? Is the world going to be in a massive paranoia for the next several generations?

Even bigger questions: How are relationships going to change? Are we going to be closer because of this? Are we going to be more selective on who we choose to share our lives with? Seeing a rise in domestic violence, has been an eye opener. I know that I realized that when I would talk to people who would do so much over time, that it wasn’t always about the money, but about the fact that they could get away from the house, and get a break from their families.

I’m a hugger; when I great my friends, I like to hug. It’s always been a sign of affection that I’ve adhered too. Will things be the same afterward, or are we doomed to be slightly apprehensive about it, because of this disease? I personally hope that we can go back and get that connection, the exchanging of positive energies, as I think it is.

I still have those questions about how business is going to be conducted in the future? Are we as a consumer based society, going to go back to buying just for self satisfaction, or are we going to be more mindful where we put our hard earned investment?

Even better: how is this epidemic going to change the face of technology? Where will the advancements go from here? Is communications going to get a better look at? Will we take the lessons from the way Earth has responded and look at a better way to energize our businesses? Communications, business, and the definition of what truly is essential, what a crazy time to start wondering how these will be affected.

I do think that we have a better chance to survive something of this magnitude than when people were around for the Spanish Flu. I’m thankful that we’re all able to stay better connected, even through virtual means. FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, these are just some of the ways we can check in on friends and family and see that they’re doing alright. UPS, FEDeX, and other means from online sources, means that we can have things delivered in record time. This is where technology shines the best. I’m usually one to talk about how technology is going to be the downfall of mankind, however, it can also be used to keep us connected, safe, and I like that idea.

Before I call this a wrap, I would ask a favor of those who actually take the time to read and support my stuff. I’ve got a podcast, and I do these blogs, but I really want to get more interactive with my audience. Please, leave a comment, leave a question. Let’s get a dialogue going. I want to know what you would like me to discuss on one of the many ways I bring content out. I want my readers to feel like I’m writing to their needs or wants. Anyway, like, subscribe, and share so that we can expand the reach of what the message is. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

A Walk In the Moonlight

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So, I went out for a walk on Saturday night, and it was clear out. I was surprised by how clear the sky was that night. There was a cloud that cascaded across the sky and was lit up by the moon. It reminded me of looking out across icy dark water, when I was in South Dakota. Looking at the dark, clear sky gave me a feeling that I haven’t had in a long time, peace.

I’ve tried to remain calm through all of this, and I’ve done pretty well so far. I know that I have to keep myself together for the sake of my family, especially since they have the compromised immune systems. That’s been my biggest fear is my family. I mean if it was just me, I wouldn’t be worried as much. However, because of my family, my anxiety has been a bit high.

It has been so much so that I’ve been burying myself in Animal Crossings: New Horizon, just so that I can keep from over thinking things. Yet, thinking about going to work, and the possibility has taken me to thinking about things that I don’t need to think about.

Back to the feeling of peace though, it was a welcomed feeling as these events have affected my sleeping as well. The positive here is that I’m not dealing with insomnia. That usually comes when I’m in a highly stressful situation, or if I’m dealing with my depression.

The world is in a crazy state at this time. I watched a video of someone jumping out of a window in a skyscraper, and landing hard on the ground. This is a dangerous time, not just physically, but mentally too. I think that people who deal with depression and anxiety need to be careful and mindful of their mental health at this time. This is the time that we need to be stronger than ever.

I had a guy come up to me today, and read my shirt, which stated that I was a member of the National Sarcasm Society, and he said that he had the virus and aids. Then he proceeded to cough on me. In my thoughts was that this older gentleman was kind of an asshole. Then I realized that it’s sad because he might be denying what’s happening, because it’s a real situation. I think it’s something that we do to protect our own mental sanity. He didn’t have a mask on, and honestly, might be one of those people who’ll get it. Hell, anyone of us can get it, and that’s a sobering fact.

As I keep getting away from that Saturday night sky, I really wanted to focus on that brief moment in time. As I was feeling at peace, I also had a feeling of clarity, and with that, I knew that everything was going to be alright. I couldn’t even begin to tell anybody how that feeling came about, but I knew it right then. I know that we’re going to have some hard times for a while, but we’ll get through this.

I think that the resiliency of our people are coming from some unexpected places. We’re seeing people coming together to help solve our problems. Yes, our medical staff still needs to supplies and things to take care of themselves.

I’ve heard that some of those places are being asked to take care of Coronavirus patients without protection. This is unacceptable, and the people in charge need to wake up, and realize that all that does is make the problem worse for all involved.

Note: This was last weekend, and I had a week of work between then and now.

While I have an optimistic feeling about things getting better, I’m not going to lie; work has been really long lately. The pace is different and we’re seeing people come through at different times, so it’s kind of feeling like we’ve been doing the eight week of Monday’s in a row.

I mean the situation at work has improved by the fact that we got masks to cover our mouths and noses with while working, but it just seems so long, and I’m having a hard time being motivated to get my extra projects done. I know that it will pass, it’s just a struggle, and I have to get through this.

Now is the time to check on those you know who deal with depression issues. Something like this isn’t good for those who suffer anxiety and over thinking things. I think that overall while I’ve had a few issues, I think that I’m staying fairly sane.

Part of my motivation went out the window this week because it had been raining a good majority of the week. It happened while I was on duty, and while I was off duty. I don’t have any really good rain wear so walking in the rain, just gets me soaked. I did adapt fairly well this week, that is until yesterday(Friday). I think that my tiredness might have something to do with it. Hell, it might just be an excuse, and I shouldn’t let the fact that I don’t have the space I normally would at Flawless Victory be a deterrent for working out. It’s part of that thing that keeps my mental sanity. Sam once told me that the chemical release from the workouts make for the best anti-depressant out there. I’ve discovered how true that is.

Coming back to the subject at hand though: I feel that everything will be alright, it’s just going to take time to get there. Unfortunately if you are to believe the media, there has been a rise in domestic violence since this quarantine has started. I guess that just goest to show that some people aren’t really meant to be together. Work is an escape from the family life-spouse, kids. That’s also why I think parent’s prefer to have their kids in school. It’s not that they don’t love them, it’s just sometimes people feel they need a break.

I guess that I got lucky, because while she drive me crazy at times, I like being around Sarah, I mean we spent so much time together that she’s easy to be around. Plus, I love my kids. I mean Autumn is an adult and stays with her grandparents, which is totally good, because of the fact that we’re so much alike, but I do love my kids.

Little Chris and I share the bond of superheroes and video games. Now I’m also working on educated the little ones in film. Since they both help me on movie sets. Then the fact that they were already doing online schooling makes them being home more normal.

The only thing is that the last time I was on the night shift, they were in regular school and I could get uninterrupted sleep. I find myself waking up when Chris starts to stem. That’s one of the bad things about his autism, otherwise everything else is fine. Getting woken up with just four hours of sleep isn’t fun though.

With that being said, we are living in some strange times, and this is going to test all of us. If not in faith, maybe in fortitude, and we need to be sure that we’re prepared for whatever is thrown our way. I’ll do my best to help keep trying to be that positive light that people need, and that’s why I do what I do. We’re all connected and this whole ordeal has made me realize that I want to be closer to those that I want to have in my life. I want people to actually know that I care and not be someone that just says that.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

If I’m Stuck, What Do I Do?

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What a crazy time we’re in. I find myself struggling with motivation. It’s not because I don’t have my training time with Sam, and it’s not that I don’t have access to a gym. While both are true, neither are a good excuse for slacking off. I’ve been struggling since my time in the Emergency Room from a couple of weeks ago. It drove me crazy to have to sit at home and relax. I then found it hard to get the steps, that I would normally get. It’s been something that I’ve been dealing with for a few weeks, and I’m now trying to get to the point where I’m back in the flow of things.

The good point is that it was a bad reaction to something I ate and not the Coronavirus, and yet here I am, feeling a bit defeated by it. I know that all my progress won’t be undone over night, and to be honest, I’m still eating better than I used too. However, I’m in the process of getting that motivation back and working out.

This week was the week that I decided that I was going to be determined to get everything back on the right track. This world is in a bad place now, and I don’t think that I should let it bring me down to mental levels that I had been before. I want to live, and not just that, but I want to keep my family safe. Being someone who’s considered essential personal, and that would be on a normal basis as well, I have to brave being out in the public dealing with people.

As scary as that is, there have been reports made publicly that we’ve had a case of the virus from the area of where I work. My job is taking what precautions that they can to keep us safe, however, nothing’s ever 100-percent safe. This is the time that I’m glad to be working nights, which limits my exposure to the public.

Surprisingly enough, as much as  I wish normalcy would be back in our everyday lives, I find myself wondering if we will rise up as a people, and come out better because of it. My curiosity is wondering how money is invested, and which technologies are going to be the next big thing. Is this going to change the way people interact on an everyday basis? There’s just the concern that not everyone is taking things serious. With that mentality, we could prolong the time for this to die out. People are already complaining that it’s going on too long as it is.

The sad part is that we’re just now seeing how this epidemic is effecting us, and not just from the health point of view. Businesses that people have gone too for years are shutting their doors, never to reopen. This makes me sad because I know that these places provided income and livelihoods to people in our communities. This was someone’s life, who wanted to own their own restaurants, their own books stores. It’s about people’s life savings being used as investments, just to be obliterated into nothingness.

I actually had a conversation about seeing a news report saying that due to inactivity of businesses and people going out, our environment has improved a bit. While that’s a silver lining, does this mean that we, as a people, will take into serious consideration, renewable energy, green energy. If there was ever a convincing example, this is the time to listen. Alas, people will probably go back to the way things were, as money is the driving factor in this world, and that’s been proven time and time again.

There have been some wonderful examples that have been displayed during this time as well. Celebrities pitching in to donate for medical supplies. Big corporations like Disney, stepping up and continuing to pay their employees, even if they’re not working. It shows that we can be a better society than we normally show to be.

Just a side note: As of this moment, it’s been a few days since I’ve started writing this blog, and I’ve noticed a few things that I will talk about in the upcoming paragraphs.

While I was working last night, I noticed something that I hadn’t really thought about since I ended up having those weeks of taking it easy. The fact was that I finally gave myself enough time to finally get my ankle to be completely healed. It took forever since I was still trying to workout, without losing the momentum I had built up over the last couple of years.

I guess that was the way life was saying the I needed to take that time to allow my body to recover fully. I had never thought of that until I was doing my steps last night. I had finally noticed that the strain was gone from my leg. Hell, even my foot was feeling better than it had been for the last couple of months as well. I’ll take all the struggles that I’ve bee going through as a way of saying that I needed to slow down.

Isn’t it funny how divine intervention happens? Some people want to say that it’s God speaking to them, some want to put it all into fate, or the universe talking to them. It just means that I can get back into training harder again. While this quarantine is going on, I know that when I go out shopping for the necessities that I might see if I can pick up some extra weights while I’m out. I never thought that I would actually want to get something for the house just so that I can do home workouts a bit more effectively.

Speaking of divine intervention, isn’t it a strange thought to know that while this is happening to us with the Coronavirus, that we’re more equipped to stay connected while keeping up with social distancing? I mean look at where our technology is? Amazon, Facebook, FaceTime: just a few of the ways we can reach out and get things done, while staying in the comfort of our homes. I find that video chatting is such a better way to communicate than just through texting or a phone call. It feels like more of a connection to that other person.

It’s easier to shop from home and get things delivered to your house. This makes me wonder what’s going to happen when we get through this pandemic. Where are we going to invest in technology? What businesses are going to survive this recession? How is this going to change the way business is done? These are the things that I’ve been thinking about for some time now.

I was watching a news report on Youtube, it was talking about how the air quality has improved noticeably since the world has been on a quarantine status. It felt like it was one of those silver linings that can be seen during such times of trouble. If anything, it might be a good advertisement for investing in green, renewable energy. I want to be optimistic and hope that the world looks at this as a chance to do better with the way we treat our planet and the people around us.

This was a point that I had made with someone I was dealing with at work, and while they had the point of saying that people will go back to being the way they had been before any of this happened. I know that’s probably the most likely factor as unto what is going to happen, I just wish that it wasn’t the case. Money is what drives society, and I am morose at that idea.

We can do better. We should do better. I’m not ready to resign to people accepting the fate of our own destruction. I think that we can, and should do better. If not for ourselves, then for our children, and our grandchildren. This is the opportunity for the world to take the steps forward and make things better for the future. Non of us should accept the fact that our planet is going to be fodder and have a limited time for people to live here. I don’t want to actually live in a world that’s become like Judge Dredd, or Mad Max. While the stories are entertaining, it’s not the kind of world I would really like to be a part of.

Some final thoughts: I found myself having a bit more motivation in doing the things that I need to do for my health. I’m not totally lost in this craziness, and things are getting easier to complete. I’m going to remain hopeful because if I don’t, I might find myself getting depressed about the subject. I struggle right now because I’m considered Essential Personnel, and not in any “temporary” type status. My job has always been considered essential. It worries me, because I deal with so many people in the public. However, being on nightshift, and talking to people who work at different sections at the compound that I work, they are doing their best to limit exposure as well. So, maybe I won’t be exposed to this mess, and in turn, keep my immune deficient family members safe. This has been where all my stress and focus has been as of late. This is part of the reason that I’ve been playing Animal Crossings: New Horizons as a distraction. It’s some of the most pure and wholesome entertainment that I partake with.

Take care of yourselves. Take this situation serious. If not for yourself, then for those around you, because we’ve had deaths, and some of them have been healthy and in consideration, young. We already now that older and youth, are high risk, as well as those who have compromised immune systems. Do your best to stay out of the exposure area. I personally know four people who’ve been dealing with it, and so far their stories have seemed a bit different, and some of the facts about it have been shocking and frustrating, for these individuals. With that, I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.