More Progress

I worked out, and I checked to see that I’ve lost a few pounds. It’s exciting to know that I’m heading back in the right direction in my weight loss journey once again. I’m also heading in the right direction as I’ve passed my test for my personal trainers certification. Once again, I’d like to say that my years starting off strong. It’s just like the rest of life, we have our ups and downs. Either way, it’s still considered progress.

I’m also about a week away from starting that new job. The anticipation, and the anxiety are playing through my emotions, yet I’m preserving over all this. Which means that I’m taking most of the time I need to keep working on my steps, and reseting myself with a new energy to take on this new experience. I was glad that I told all three days of my training session last week and made it, I plan on getting all three days in this week.

So much going on at once, and with that my son will be fifteen soon. It’s crazy to think that I’ve got a house full of teenage numbers, and I’ll stick Lily in that category because she’s going to be thirteen in June. Time truly does fly, whether you’re having fun or not. I’m glad that I hit the breaks and turned my life around. It’s hard when you’re at a weight that you don’t feel like you belong in the body that houses your essence. The struggle was real with being out of breath and hurting to move.

I still hurt when I move, but for better reasons than the fact that I was too heavy to move. I took my life back, and it wasn’t an easy journey. I still struggle with it at times. Yet, I’ve never wanted to give up. I’ve made excuses on why I wasn’t working out. Some of them have been legit, but that consistency is back, and honestly, by the end of the week, I should be getting that hands on training to actually be a personal trainer. I’m humbled and blessed to have Sam Basco in my life, not only as a friend, but as a trainer, and mentor. He’s giving me the training that I need to become successful at my journey, and it just adds more to the CK Project. Couldn’t you tell that I’ve become all about my brands, and how I can try and help people?

I’m thinking that I’ll start out working a few hours on the weekends, probably mornings, and as I get confidence and better at knowing the job, I’ll probably open up to a few hours here or there during the weekday nights. Again, I’m thankful to have Sam in my life, especially since I want to get more healthy and help others get there. The struggle of being over weight, and being an addict to food, is a difficult road. I know that I’ve been able to inspire people, and yet for some reason, I don’t feel like I’ve been very inspiring over the last year.

I’m thankful that Sarah comes and takes phots of my workout, it shows the effort that I do, when I am there, but again, consistency had been the biggest issue that I have had over the last year. I’ve kept having the same thought going through my head over the last couple of weeks, that things are going to look up. The drive to stay consistent is there, the negative vibes I had been around, are starting to dissipate. The thing about negativity is it often attaches itself to those around it. Trying to be a beacon of positivity was usually easy, but there were times that I would struggle to keep on that path.

There are some things that surprised me over the last few years, the experiences I’ve had, the learning, the growth. Yet I find that the biggest surprise is that I had met some truly remarkable, people. Some I had known for years, but after working with them, I had gotten to know how giving and kind they were. I’ve also surprised myself by finding a new motivation to push to get things done. That I’ve finally getting the chance to see the fruits of my labor.

Allow me to explain what kind of discoveries I’ve discovered about the CK Project. It started out as a way to for me to be held accountable for my weight loss journey. I hit bad time of depression and it went the brand went into obscurity. I figured that I would bring it back and rebrand it as a mental health blog. This was where I was able to write about my struggles and share my experiences with others. I found that this was a move towards healing, and sorting out what I was feeling.

It wasn’t until I decided that I had enough, and I was ready to take my life back that I started to get back to talking about my weight struggles and combined that with my mental health as well. So, I started to do podcasts that involve both weight loss and mental health. The thing is, it seems like the blogging that I do here is received well for both, but the weight loss seems to be a bit more popular. My podcasts however seem to be more popular when we discuss the mental health issues, and the struggles that we, and I mean my co-host often struggle with. So, I’m learning to play to the strengths and do what keeps the interest in the various forms that we present the info on.

I’ve gotten the compliment that the podcast keeps things real and pure. That there’s a raw emotion that goes into the experiences of those who decide to spill their guts to our audience. Here’s the spotify link https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA?si=KucvpPuSRqiv5J7W8Y9PHA. If you haven’t heard it, I encourage you too. I think the tone sets for an interesting listening. Plus it’s an important passion project, and we’re always looking for people who want to be courageous enough to share their experiences as well. It might just help someone, who feels that they’re the only ones who struggle.

I know for some people, this year hasn’t been the easiest of starts. I’ve had several close friends come down with Covid-19, the plus is that they have make a recovery. At the moment they’re through the worst, even if not completely better. I also know that with our current climate, life here in America is uncertain, and it’s a bit scary. I personally feel that things are going to get better, and I think that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer. Keep the faith, and keep on going. That’s all any of us can ever do. Continue to move forward.

Now, I’m looking forward to getting the information for the new job, so that I can take that big step on the newest page of the journey in life. There are freedoms that I’m looking forward too, with this new kind of work. An actual lunch hour, wearing normal clothes, hell, not having to shave everyday is probably the biggest highlight of the new job. Then the questions that remain, what are my hours going to be? Can I shuffle around hours to get certain commitments completed? I know that it sounds silly, but these are things that have been going through my mind lately.

The other question is how the new position is going to change my plans for summer. I’m supposed to take the family back to Pennsylvania for my mothers memorial in June. How is that going to be affected? I’ll figure it all out, and with the pandemic, I should be able to build up the projects that I’ve been working on so that it will keep my weekends busy, as I will also be making a little extra as a personal trainer. Life is going to be good, and that’s the way I’m having to live my life.

How’s the year treating you so far? Remember too like and subscribe to the blog. Also leave a comment, let me know what you want to talk about, share your experience. Let’s keep the conversation going and network. You matter, you are important. You can also e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com. The blog site is really taking off, and I would love to get this to be more interactive. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Consistency and Bad Habits

So, I’ve gained about twenty-five pounds over this pandemic, and I have deduced my reasons on why this has happened. Remember in previous blogs where I said that I had struggled because I’ve let bad habits slip back in? Yep, that’s one of the reasons. The other is the fact that my work outs have not been consistent over the last year. A positive is that I’m aware of these facts and I’m working on correcting the path that I’ve been on.

I remember that I was doing well through most of February of last year. I was trying to deal with an ankle injury that I obtained while doing a grappling class, and it seemed that I would keep aggravating it as I had gone on. It was when I went out for a week in March, when I started falling off the motivational train. The plus side was that it required me to rest for the week and it gave my ankle the appropriate time to heal. It was also the time when everything started to shut down because of the Coronavirus.

The issue for the Covid-19 was that at this time everything was starting to shut down. That required me to stay out of public as much as possible do to my job as it was. See where I’m going here? That meant that I couldn’t go workout at the gym like I had been for so long. I tried to do an occasional workout from home, but with a bullshit excuse I feel that I don’t have enough room to get a decent workout in. Plus I had been a bit under the weather and took it easy.

I found that staying at home and not doing the things I was used too, both a blessing and a curse. I was fortunate enough to still be working, just night’s were kind of hard not to snack to stay up. What happens when there’s snacking and not enough exercise? You put on some pounds. It also didn’t help that at the time, March ended up feeling about three-months-long.

Some of the positives, I found were the fact that everything being closed, I was spending less money on the things that I tend to enjoy, and I used that to help pay down certain debts that I’d been working on for a while. I had to the opportunity to actually focus a bit more on paying off bills in a larger concentrated amount. I found that trying to look at the bright side of things was making the time a bit more easy to handle.

With everything being on some type of lock down, I also found that I wasn’t having to deal with as many of the people as I was normally, and the fact is that as soon as we were done, we got to go home. It was nice being able to get home at six-fifteen-in-the-morning, and then off to bed, so the I could get up around noon. I now that sleep schedule sounds bad, and I’ll be the first to admit that I could have used a bit more sleep then I was getting, but that’s one of those things that was hard to over come during the first couple of months on shift.

The last year was unpredictable to say the least, and I can see why, as someone who remained consistent for so long, ended up having issues staying motivated. The plus side is that I’m in a position to claim my consistency back, and honestly I think things are going to get even better over the next few months with that as it is. I feel that my focus had defiantly fallen behind and I’m ready to take it back.

People like to think that the weight loss journey is a slope that goes down, and never goes back up. Many “health supplements, and gurus” try to convince people of that. That’s what sells the product, or the service that is provided in helping out with losing the weight. People want to lose weight without the effort. I’ve seen it too many times, and had wanted that for myself at times in the past.

Working out feels good. So ,why would I stop, and make excuses? I fell on some hard depression during the nightshift. I’ll be the first to say that while the shift itself is easy, my mind isn’t kind to me. I’d start thinking about all these negative things, and with the growing concern at the time of the virus, it had caused me to become a bit anxious, and when left to my own devices, I find that I need validation. I know that some might think that silly. Some people may even agree with that struggle. All I can say is that it’s never pretty going through that situation. You start thinking or doing things that you might not normally do.

As the time progressed and certain things got relaxed a bit, I was able to get back into working out. My eating was still a bit off, but at least I was getting the workouts in. One of the issues was that the timing of my workouts didn’t always seem to work out the way I needed them too and would often have to cancel, and so there were still weeks that I wasn’t working out, or I’d only be working out once a week. At least I was still able to do a mile-and-a-half run in seventeen-eighteen. At least I was trying to make things work.

As I was getting into the seventh month of a six month rotation on nightshift, I was starting to find myself struggling a bit more with my daily life. I know that I was ready to get something new going, and my motivation was dragged down with the constant feeling of fatigue going on. I believed that we were having another big wave of infection going on at the time and things started shutting down again. Guess what that meant for the workouts?

I thought that my metabolism would be good and I could endure, but I was wrong. Then when my mom got sick in October, it felt like so much was going on that I ended up missing more workouts. I’d like to say that I wish I was using this as an excuse, but I was literally calling off work and having to travel out of town to take care of things. It felt like life wasn’t letting up.

I didn’t waste all this time feeling sorry for myself though. I did write and film a short. I also embarked on a journey to get my personal trainers certificate. I just wish that life’s other plans wouldn’t have distracted me from what I needed to do.

So, I’ve gained about twenty-five pounds, I will destroy it, but it doesn’t just happen over night. I was also competing with a plateau that I was stuck on for well over a year. That being said, at least I haven’t given up on everything. I just hit a bump in the road, which I will over come. Plus once I get my personal trainer cert, I’ll be doing more activity as it is.

Now that I’m moving on to a new job, and I’m going to hopefully have a somewhat normal schedule, I’m thinking that I might find a training time that will fit me better. It was always hard putting in maximum effort, just to struggle through the fatigue at work. Now, maybe I’ll be able to go home, eat dinner, take a shower, and put myself to bed. I’ll be able to push more, which is something I sometimes struggle with doing during my workouts. Pushing myself was a far harder thing to do when I started two-and-a-half-years ago. I’ve gotten better at it, though I still find myself cheating sometimes. I just need to get into a better mindset again for it. I don’t want to be over four-hundred pounds ever again. I have to be more mindful with what I eat, and really think if I’m doing it because I’m hungry, or if it’s because I’m bored.

Remember to keep an eye out for the CK Project podcast. Here’s the link for our latest on anxiety https://anchor.fm/CkProject/episodes/How-is-your-anxiety-doing-during-the-pandemic-eoov62. We’re branching out, and will be doing more with the brand. Expect some videos in the near future as we continue to grow, and separate what form of media is presented and which subjects are touched in the various forms. Not all are the same. With that, I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.

New Chapter, New Page

Funny thing is this; I started a blog on the third of January, and I wasn’t able to finish. It was going to talk about the continuation of the shit storm that was 2020. New year, and no reset. That’s not what this particular blog is going to be all about. It’s about how life can rapidly change, and the experience of what that change can be like. I want to state that after thirteen-years being involved with security, I’ve gotten an opportunity to change career fields and I’m both excited, and anxious for what the future holds.

This year, I’ve seen many people struggle with what life has been dealing with them. An example: I have friends who’ve been hospitalized due to complications of Covid-19. It’s rough to see them struggle with this and I hope for the best for them, because losing people I see how serious this can be. I’ve seen people who haven’t believed in the virus, change their minds after actually getting it. Wait…wasn’t I supposed to be talking about something new and exciting? I’m heading in that direction I promise.

With these rough things going on, I think that we’re gonna be getting through this soon, and things will look up. Keep that silver lining in mind through a couple more months. Now, on to the point I was going to get too.

Life has been going at a rapid fire pace over the last several months. My daughter, Autumn had gotten sick, but she made it. I’m feeling fortunate because of that. I had tried to roll with everything going on, and I thought I did pretty well. A few close calls with Covid-19 sure, but I survived. I also gained some weight over the last year, because the consistency of my workouts had gone out the window. I’m back and determined to head in the right direction once again. Focus is the thing I felt that I lacked for a minute. Again…I’m back, and I’m going to be better than ever.

So, in a slight review of the highlights of last year, I got a pay raise, I lost my maternal mother, my dog, and my ex-wife. If you would have asked me right before Christmas, I would have not had any idea where things were going to head in life. The day after Christmas, I applied for a job, and heard back just two-days later. Now I have the job that I’ll be starting at the end of the month.

Let’s take a minute and talk about signs. You know how they say that God works in mysterious ways? That He will give you signs when his work is to be done? Or maybe fate pulls us in a certain direction? This happened to me. I’m a spiritual person, and I will admit that I shun organized religion. I have many friends and family members that do go to their church, and I’m a supporter of anyone who has a strong belief system. With that said, for almost a week, I kept getting this job popping up in my e-mail, and I figured that I would apply for it at the end of the week. Sign one through how many notices I got. Then I had a former co-worker text me about the job, and he told me to apply. I applied a few days later, and I’m so happy with the results of the response.

I had gotten a quick response, then was asked about having an interview. I agreed that we could talk that Monday morning, and while I was in the shower, I got the call. To be honest, it didn’t even really feel like an interview, but the contact told me that she would get a hold of me sometime after the new year.

The next week, I called her back, because I wanted to keep the momentum up on the positive feelings I was having. With that a few days later I had gotten my job offer, and I had to get a few things together so we could proceed with the hiring process. It’s crazy how fast this all went, and a strange feeling had come over me. I was nervous and my body was shaking. It wasn’t bad, just a huge realization that my life was going to change in a big way. That Thursday, I put in my notice that I would only be with the company I worked for, two more weeks.

So, I should back track and say that I had another sign happen while I was deciding if I was ready to be done with my current job. I had been changing out of my uniform when my badge had popped off, and broke. This put me in a realization that my job of thirteen years was finally coming to an end. That next day, I put in my resignation letter.

With that I decided to use the remainder of my leave before I started my new job. I was going to take the last two-weeks off. So far it’s been going well. I’ve been able to realize the stress and anxiety that I had been feeling about things.

So, a couple of days ago was Monday. It was my forty-second birthday, and for my birthday I turned in all my gear, and I’ve had mixed feeling about it. I was sad to go, because it had been the place I had called home for so long. I’d had many ups and down. I’ve made friends and connections that I’ll value for the rest of my life. Now, I’m getting prepared for that next step in life.

One thing that I realized is that the job I did for so long, is that I’ll be viewing it from a different perspective. I’m nervous because it’s a new experience, but I’m hungry for the challenge, and not wearing a uniform has a certain appeal. Not having to shave everyday has an even bigger appeal. I’m currently growing a beard, just to grow one.

I’m looking forward to a new and better schedule, while swing shift was the best hours for the former job. Ten-hours made for a long shift, and Thirteen was even longer when I started so long ago. Now, I’ll be able to take a lunch, now I’ll be able to be home in the evenings, while not having to get up at four-in-the-morning. I should say, at least I hope. I’m still finding myself getting the information that I need to actually start, and I’m gonna kick it and do the extra stuff I’ve been meaning to do before then. It’s like hitting a reset button.

So, I’m a creative individual, and unless I was tucked away from everything at work, I didn’t have much time to be creative. While I was still working the day shift, I noticed that I was most productive with my creativity between the hours of five-to-nine. This means that I’m going to be able to focus more on working with my brands and producing more content. I’m excited by this venture as well. Creativity is the thing that makes me most happy in life. Filming, writing, podcasting. No more struggles with not being able to focus my time on the things that I find important. This will be good for my mental health as well as getting into a better workout routine.

I know that this seemed to be more about where life has taken me, as of late, and with the pace being quick, it’s kind of something that I’ve gotten used to over time. When big things happen, they usually come with a rapid speed. I’m glad that we’ve made it unto another year, and I’m glad that my degree is finally paying off in the more professional part of my life. I’m glad that I’ve had such support through all of this, as I do feel that I’m fortunate to have some of the most amazing people in my life. I’ve also had the opportunity to help guide a few people into a better direction in life, and that’s always a pleasant feeling. I will make this year a far better one than the previous year, and I have a feeling that those reading this will also find that same thing. This is the director, and like always, that’s a wrap.

Ready, Let’s Go

January 1, 2021- It’s the start of a new year. So, the common theory is that with the start of a new yea, it’s a new start. A new page, a new chapter. Is it really? Can we just ignore the last twelve months, and think everything is better? I have friends and family who think so. Myself? I feel that all it really does is lead to another day, but that’s not to say that a new year doesn’t have its benefits. I feel that the way momentum has been all over the place, I think that things will turn go into a better place, than last year.

For many people, myself included last year was a rough year, mentally more than anything else. People had taken their lives due to being kept inside and away from social situations. I saw a video from New York City, where a person had jumped out of their window. It wasn’t watching the fall that bothered me, it was the sound. It was louder than I thought it would be. The filmmaker in me thought about how good those mics were, but the fact that this pandemic has put so much stress on people is the sad part.

This has tested relationships, more now than probably ever before. People are discovering that they might not like their partners as much as they thought they did. Domestic violence cases had been elevated, and parent’s patience with their children have been tested more than ever. Mentally, people are tired, and feel they need the relief of normalcy. But how does that even look anymore? Is what we’ve known as normal, ever going to go back to the way it was?

For this answer, I’m gonna be real about my feelings on the subject. I don’t think we’ll ever get back to that normal. I’m interested in seeing just what that new normal is. I’m sure that once social distancing isn’t required anymore, we’ll have an abundance of social gatherings, hell, I’m gonna predict another baby boom is going to happen. Things just won’t be the same. That might not be so bad though.

Mentally, I personally am trying to find a more positive focus, as I know that I’ve slipped back into a negative mindset now and again. There’s so much going on and the world hasn’t exactly been a bright spot in life for a bit. Things are out of our control, and to salvage any sanity, I have to worry about those things that I can control. It’s those things that we, as a society, can’t control that makes people frustrated. Is that something valid? The frustration of how others are acting?

I’ve experienced people in charge, not seem to take this pandemic serious. I’ve seen the wealthy, who can help people in need, make poor decisions that only tend to hurt those who are in need. I’ve seen businesses be destroyed, and I’ve also seen people dramatically change their opinions throughout this experience. Best advice I could give? Be smart about the decisions that you make.

The hardest part about this pandemic, is that the longer it goes on, the closer to home it gets. I personally know more people who’ve come down with Covid-19 than I ever would have thought possible. The sad part is, there are many of them who have tried to do their best to prevent themselves from getting it. I’ve also lost people that I’ve known, and ever cared for to this virus. It’s made me question somethings. It’s caused me to want to appreciate those I do have in my life that much more.

I know that my relationships with people have changed over the last year. I’ve let go of people whom have surprised me with their views on life and people. I’ve learned more about my own feelings on life. Mentally, I had felt shut off for a time. I want to say that part of those reasons, are because of working on the nightshift, but that might just be an excuse. I think that being down a few times with potential symptoms might have been apart of it.

So, where do we go from here? I think that more people are going to be judgmental about sick people being out and about at the stores. I think people going to work sick, and being sent home is going to be encouraged just a bit more. I actually think that masks wearing while sick, might become more popular here in America. Our focuses on technology is going to go in a different direction. I think more focus on getting better ways to communicate will be a major push. I also think the way people work is going to be different. Working at home, will end up being more common place than not. I just think that business’s will take a bit of time to figure things like that out. I think the medical field might also get more focus after the way the medical professionals have served tirelessly through all this. If that ends up not being the case, then that’ll be a shame.

If this pandemic has shown anything else, it’s the inequality of the economic levels. The rich have kept getting richer, as the lower, and middle-classes have struggled to survive. It’s shown that more people need help that others would rather not acknowledge. Mentally, this has strained a large portion of society. I’ve also heard people claiming that the opposite party is evil. Honestly, I think it’s the greed that makes people do evil things, and as it does say in a certain book, “money is the root of all evil.” I’m not going to get preachy on this though.

I just feel mentally tired, and spiritually, I’m finding peace that I’ve not known for sometime. While this past year had been full of unexpected turns of events, I was brought closer to things from the past I had little to no idea about. I was able to meet the missing part of my life and see the man my brother is, and the woman who my sister is. I love them both. I’ve also got to witness how amazing some people truly are, and how inspirational they can be.

Mentally, I think we should take this first day of a new year, and decide who we are, and how we want people to remember us. Is being the self-entitled and arrogant attitude the way we want to be remembered? Do we want to be remembered as someone who showed compassion and forgiveness in a time where things are so uncertain? I personally said that I was going to be a beacon of positivity, and this was a commitment that I made over five-years-ago. Have I faltered? Absolutely. Has my life improved? Far beyond anything that most people realize.

I do want to say a couple more things about where things have been, and the appreciation that I have to those who have shown concerned. On most days, I seemed to get asked if I’m okay (side note, Sarah just asked). I’ve had several people offer to be that support if I needed to talk, they’d listen. If you’re one of those people, thank you. It matters and means more to me than you will ever know.

Since my mother died, and then my ex-wife, as well as some friends, who’ve died from Covid-19 related complications, I’ve not felt much. I know that I’ve been numb, and questioning how I should feel, maybe this is my survival mode switched on. I feel bad for them, and those affected by it, I just try not to dwell on it. My mom had been sick anyway, at least she’s not suffering the pain. My ex, had stage-four adrenal cancer, and she was in really bad shape the last few times I had spoken to her. All I can think is that she’s not suffering anymore. Mentally, I’m doing alright, and I will survive. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Just Wow

As the year ends, I’m trying to keep the positivity up. It’s not always easy, because there was loss this year. Loss, that affected me personally. I’ve been in a strange state, and I’m not sure how I should be feeling. I know that I stated such in my last blog that talked about the death of my ex-wife due to Covid-19, but I think that it’s better that way. So, why would I title the blog Just Wow?

Dealing with loss, and a pandemic, plush some professional issues, has me shaking my head about so much in terms with the way life has been going. So, I’m trying to maintain my head up. It’s not always easy to do. I just know that I’ve been in a spot where people notice that I’m not my usual self. I feel okay over all, I just think that I’m considering the choices that are being put in front of me, and some of them are scary, because of the unknown that comes with it.

I’m in a place that I’ve been considering where I want to take the brands. I’m not going to get rid of them, I’ve actually been thinking of turning this into my full-time profession, and giving the whole entrepreneurial thing a real go. Wanna know a secret on that? I was pretty sure that I was going that way by the end of next summer anyway, depending on how this pandemic goes.

That brings me to where my motivation is. I’m motivated in getting in way better shape, however, it would seem that the pandemic is trying to thwart my plans. I got this, I just have to get creative, because of my work hours are about to get crazy with thirteen hour days. Which will have me putting in sixty-five hours in one week, and twenty-six hours on the other week. I just need to adjust, and also remember what it was like during the first few years when my schedule was something like this. I’ve been told that it’s only temporary because we’ve got people out due to concerns. Nothing like having seasonal things being thrown in with a pandemic on top, right? It makes life interesting.

On the brighter side of things, today is my three-year-anniversary of having the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, which means that it was three-years ago that I decided to make the jump and take some sort of control over my life again. It’s weird when you live in a body so long and it doesn’t feel like it’s your body. It would feel like I was living life through someone else’s space. There have been many ups and downs, but I don’t regret anything. As a matter of fact, my friend and partner in crime is going to have his done in just over a month. I’m both excited to see that he’s getting that help to get started, but nervous that he might have complications that I didn’t. I hope the mental part isn’t so difficult for him.

Staying motivated has been hard. I could come up with excuses, but I’m trying not too. I’m trying to adapt, and that’s where I’ve found challenges. Not only in the timing, but even my body being in the physical shape it is, needs to find something because it’s adapted to the training regime that I’ve been doing for this so long. Going through the ISSA personal training guide has taught me about the seven Grandfather principles has taught me about a few things about having to address these changes for progress.

Let’s face it, I was plateauing out for longer then I would like to admit, but I will progress past this, especially since I’m going to take this into my brands and that entrepreneurial spirit that I’ve been gravitating towards. My lifestyle and professional life should reflect each other, and while I’ve been working towards that, I know that it’s going to happen. I have that faith, I have that drive. It’s what my hustle has been going for the whole time. I’m ready to launch my brands on a bigger scale. It’s the fear of failure that has kept me hesitant from actually going forward.

We went to our new location at the branding house for our first meeting, and it was productive. It felt nice to have a professional space to work, and it was a great place to go and prepare for our major push. With that I also started my final process to get that certificate for my personal trainer license. There is so much more that’s going on, that’s part of the “next step”.

The Geekutural Experience is going to be getting some love and a bit of a diverse refocus, as our geek culture will be getting videos on game play, podcasts that will go over more on the subject of games. Plus we’ll be launching a digital new letter covering the other parts of entertainment and pop culture.

The CK Project, will be looking to get a non-profit for the health and wellness of people. It’s been a hard fought battle that I’ve endured my whole life, and I want to continue to show people that there are better options out there. I’ve come to the point where changing lives has given me so much purpose that it’s helped me keep positive. Positivity is the best way to go, because there’s way too much of the negative, and people trying to tear each other down. Look out for more podcasts and video content as well, as this mission keeps going.

Luckey Bom Films is the thing that will tie everything together. It took film school to help guide me unto this path in ways that I never expected. It ended up doing more for me than just showing me how to make a movie. It taught me how to present more things. It taught me about the importance of my brand. That’s the biggest lesson of all. That’s an important part to remember, your brand is what you are. It represents your character. Truth is, not everybody gives a shit on what their brand stands for, and that’s okay.

I’m trying to represent being positive, and a good person. I know I’m not someone everyone is a fan of, but I do my best to keep going in the best direction that I can. Do I fail? Of course I do, I don’t always make the best decisions. Sometimes I let my ego get the best of the situation.

Keep in mind that things can get worse, and as long as you’re breathing and above ground, it’s a good thing. as my year went from surprisingly okay to the plot twist of having to deal with loss, I’ve been doing my best to keep it together. I’ve had co-workers express interest in how I’m doing as I’ve not seemed like my normal self. I don’t really feel that the loss of loved one’s has changed me in any sort of way. I do feel that it’s pushed me to get somewhere better in my life though.

With that said, I do want to reiterate that I miss Smush, she was a good, loving dog. I don’t think that I had ever felt so much love from an animal since my childhood dog, Princess. I wish that I would have tried harder to have a relationship with my mother, I didn’t truly understand the love that she had for me until I was in Pennsylvania, and was told the stories and read the writing that she had about me and my siblings. As for my ex, Mariah, I’m sorry that she left this earth at such a young age, but with the health problems she was dealing with, I’m glad that she’s no longer suffering.

I will also reiterate what good has come of this year. Not going out to do the things I’ve come to enjoy over the years, I did find that I was spending less money, which in term helped us pay off some bills. Which in the end will give us more to actually invest in the things that we’re doing. I learned things about myself when challenged by my ideology. Through the loss of someone, I was able to connect with a side of my life that I never knew that I was missing. The last and biggest part of the positive things that have come out of this year is the fact that it’s pushed me to be more creatively driven, and I’m touring with a great team that will help elevate the products that we plan on launching with the new year, we’ll be constantly busy every weekend, bringing something out for you to consume and hopefully enjoy.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

How Should It Feel?

So, as we start the last month of a strangely rough year, a few things have come to mind, that has me thinking of life in general. I’m usually a person who tries to stay positive, even in the less than positive circumstances. I’ve heard to opinions on both sides of the Covid-19 isle. While I respect people for who they are and I try to respect their belief systems, I can’t say that I haven’t been affected by this pandemic. In particular during the last few months of this year. I’ve been replying to people who say that they can’t wait to get to the new year for a fresh start. The last few weeks, I’ve been saying that there’s a plot twist, that it gets worse.

I got news last night that put me in a spot of reflection. I was told by a mutual friend that my ex-wife, yes, the one I’ve ranted about in several posts, had passed away from Covid-19 a few days ago. For a woman who put me through hell, how should one feel about this news? Should there be a justified vindication? What if I said that it left an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach? This wasn’t the way I expected her to go. We’d gotten in contact a couple of years ago, and started to make amends, she had been apologetic about the way things happened. Her father was an instigator for many of our problems. Anyway I digress.

She had stage four Adrenal cancer and had been sick, even when we had talked after so many years. I had people who had known her tell me a few years before she reached out, that she had cancer. At that time, I wanted to know if she passed. I think the reason at the time was for a peace of mind, but in truth I felt like I would feel sad. I do feel empty, at the same time I feel that she is better off because she’d been riddled with health problems her whole life. Most of our marriage spent time in the emergency room due to her declining health.

It was nice that we could catch up as we did, because I was able to share my passion for filmmaking, and that she said she was proud of where I was in life. I felt bad for her because her life seemed to get progressively harder after our time together. I guess it could have been considered karma, but I think that train of thought would be horrible, and I knew that after we had talked that I had felt sorry for the choices that she made. I’m glad that she got to have the kids that she always wanted, but I’m also glad that they weren’t mine, because I think that it would have kept tension between us, if we would have had any children.

I keep wondering about how I should feel. I’m not blogging this to find sympathy, and I’m not on this subject to bash the woman that I had once loved. I think it’s surreal, because she was the first person that I ever considered having a family, a future with. The relationship was toxic, but I had loved her.

With that Sarah was the savior of my soul, and she’s defiantly one of the most patient women I’ve ever known. She’s the one I’m glad I did build our lives together. It’s not always easy, God knows how much harder it’s been since she’s gotten Crohn’s disease, but I do try to show her the support she needs. I go to every appointment I can, but the pandemic has put things into a different mode for everyone.

What’s harder is the fact that I lost my maternal mother due to complications from contracting Covid-19, I mean it’s not like we were close, as a mater of fact I did keep distance, but she did give birth to me. The fact that I got to go to Pennsylvania and got to learn about her was nice. I got to meet family that seemed to accept me, even if I wasn’t there for most of my life. I did learn that she loved me, and that I was always in her thoughts.

More importantly, I found something I was missing from my life, and that I got to fulfill her wish to have her kids together. Come to find out that I actually like my brother and sister. I know that I’ve talked about that experience in another blog, so I’ll just continue on.

Isn’t it weird that things can seem to go to shit, yet an amount of good happens about the same time? I mean, I lose my mom, I come home and find out that my dog has to be put down. I get a raise at work, and an opportunity to have a place to actually produce some serious content for all three brands. That’s crazy, right? Then I find out about Mariah last night, and it’s just got me thinking about life in general, both the blessings and the trials that we face on a constant basis.

I think that the hardest part of this year is that it’s changed me, some for the better, but I’m sure that there’s been some negative effects thrown in there, I’m just not sure what it is yet. I mean it’s hard to see our own flaws at times. I do know that I’ve decided to keep pushing forward with what I’m doing and I plan on improving my brands. I also plan on learning more things and different skills to help me become a more well-rounded person over all. You should never stop learning, and if you’re passionate about something, you should continue to improve your knowledge on the subject. I’ve come to the point in life that I don’t feel like I know much of anything, but I’m trying.

Remember that all hope isn’t lost. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, nobody said how long that tunnel is though. Just keep pushing forward, because in the end, we’re our own competition. We’re also our own worst enemies. I spent many nights on nightshift feeling like nobody liked me, but it was just my mind. Remember, you are good enough, you are worthy. You got this.

I don’t know if there’s going to be more surprises for me to experience this year, but I do know that I’m going to keep going forward, and not let these things break my will. I know there are those who would say that they couldn’t handle much more, and I get that I’ve been through quite a bit, especially within a short period, but I’m a survivor, and that’s something that I’ve done my whole life. I’ve faced my demons several times over, and I’ve prevailed. I know that if I can do that, anybody can. I’ve hated myself, and then come to terms with my dislike. I love who I’ve become over the last several years, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ve not always been the best person, as a friend, a husband, or a father. My depression has caused me to be absent for part of life. I’m not going to make that an excuse, because I can do better, and I’m trying to do better.

What happens when we stop growing? The trick is: we never do stop. You can’t control time for stopping, children get older, we get older. Our hair, nails, age, it all grows. The only thing anyone can really do is make the best of it, and the best advantage is to improve on what you already have.

If there’s been a real eye-opener this year, it’s been the fact that I’ve seen the ugly that people can show. I’ve seen hate, and racism more harshly than I thought possible. I saw it from the most unlikely of people, and I have had to disassociate from some of these people. It’s hard to lose the connection with people. Even if that’s to help your own sanity, it’s never easy to get rid of people. I’ve been used by friends, and abused by lovers, but it’s never easy cutting people off, but toxic is toxic.

Anyway, that’s what’s been going on in my life over the last few months. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

How Did It Happen?

For a year that had been emotionally and mentally rough on most people, good things can come to those with patience. I for on don’t think that most of the year went too horribly, I found ways to benefit from the pandemic, like staying home kept me in check and refocus on things such as paying off bills.

Mentally I wasn’t completely keeping it together. One of those things I dealt with was dealing with a low-key depression that I hadn’t really realized was there until much later in the year. I wanted to blame it on being on the nightshift for so long, and the fact that the pandemic happened towards the beginning of my time on that shift. I just really didn’t think of what it was that was bothering me.

One of the downsides of me being on nightshift is always that my mind isn’t nice to me, ever. I start getting stupid thoughts of doubt, and loneliness, and it doesn’t do my mental health any good. That’s why I would text people I knew at god awful hours just so that I could feel validated to someone. I did find the experience to growth, from a personal perspective. My opinions on certain aspects on life have been changed, and it’s taken me by surprise.

Mentally, I feel a bit uplifted now. I got a raise at work that I’ve been hoping to get for some time. I also got an opportunity to have a space for a studio, which is something I haven’t thought that I would have for a long time. The positive side is that I can now produce a bit more video content without having to worry about finding the space I would need for some of the stuff I’ve been meaning to do. I think this will be a win for The CK Project and Luckey Bom Films. The Geekultural will be getting some content as well. I’m excited because this has been what I’ve been working towards the last few years.

Mentally, I’m feeling accomplished. I’ve also been changing some eating habits and changing up my physical training regimen, and I’m starting to feel a bit better about that now. I’ve started what is termed as the “cutting phase”, which means that I’m on a modified cabbage diet, as well as doing endurance training. This way I’ll be going leaner and losing weight. I’m looking to drop muscle size as well with high reps, and light weight.

It’s torcher, and also changing my eating habits and being more conscious about how and when I’m eating is starting to feel that I’m feeling better, and not as fat. I think the weirdest part is that I’ve dropped eating my protein bars, that had been my go-to for the last almost three years. I got this, and in truth, I know that it’s going to save me money in the long run.

Part of why I’ve decided to go this route is because I want to start training for a body building competition. I’m not expecting to win anything, however it’s a learning process to help me for when I become a trainer. Not only that, but as an actor, I would like to look a bit better when I’m on screen, and yes I know that it’s partially a vanity thing. Though getting in the best shape of my life will also extend my life, and I like feeling better about myself.

I guess that shows one of those connections between the physical and mental aspects in life. I mean look, make-up and fashion have been playing into this connection for years. It is a multi-billion dollar industry after all. Plus it’s something society has put standards on. It molds the way most people view the world. It can be ugly at times. If you’re over weight, people tend to be judgmental. If you’re under weight, same difference. I often use the quote haters gonna hate. It’s sad, but true.

Remember how I mentioned how I hated nightshift because of where my mind would take me? Yeah, that the words of people wanting to tear me down since I was little. I used to tease my kids when they were little to toughen them up, but as I’ve gotten older, I hope that I’ve gotten wiser to realize that it wasn’t the best approach to parenthood. The intention was out of love and wanting to protect my children.

That’s something that was hard to accept, that as a parent, I can’t protect my children from all the bad in this world. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes we have to just hope that they can find their way and succeed in life. The world isn’t kind, and all we can do as parents is hope that we’ve given them enough tools to manage the ugly that life presents during the various events in our lives.

I feel that my mental health hasn’t always helped me to be a good parent, but I’ve tried my best, given the circumstances at hand. However, the person that I’ve strived to become over the last several years I think is a step in the right direction. The hardworking that I’ve been putting into getting my brands going, I hope is an example of what I’m trying to have my kids learn. I hope that they can learn and become better versions of themselves as well.

I’m sorry that they’ve ever had to see me struggle and suffer from my misplaced anger. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel that I was the parent that they needed, but they know that I love them. I hope that by seeing me at my worst, they can appreciate that I’ve done all that I could to overcome the struggles of poor mental and physical health. They are my world, and I love them. The fact that they can share in my success, and be apart of building something bugger then just who I am, is where I think we’ve found bounding at it’s finest.

This was started last weekend, and being Thanksgiving, I’m going to finish my thoughts:

I was called to come help my father pick my step-mother up from the floor yesterday. The time was about eight-thirty in the morning, and when I had come to assist I had found out that she had been on the floor since about four-in-the-morning. After we had gotten her up, I was told that she needed to get an ultrasound on her legs because the doctor’s think that she may have clots in her legs. Talk about a plot twist that as most people have felt the whole year has been bad, I figured that it hadn’t been that bad, well I guess that I’m having my chips cashed in in the last bit of this year.

I mean if you’ve been following me for some time, then you already know that I don’t believe that a new year, fresh start is in my belief system. I mean things just seem to come in waves at times. Seeing the woman who raised me, look so frail, and just seems to be getting worse since her head trauma from a couple of years ago has got me thinking about how much time she has left. Again, she raised me, and was the only woman I called mom for most of my life, her condition has hit me hard. I’m afraid that I’m going to be losing her soon, and that would just be the exclamation to hit me during these troubled times.

I’m not letting these events drag me down, at least not to anywhere dangerous, but at the same time, I think I’m still trying to figure out what it all means. I know that this month of November has come with it’s own set of mixed blessings, as I’ve gotten almost all my studies done, and I have made forward progress on the filmmaking end of things as we are setting up an area that gives us a bit of space to grow and film. Plus with the meetings every weekend, we’ve been developing something that should keep us busy filming for a majority of the year.

It’s all about taking it one-step-at-a-time. Just like working on self-care, mental health, and everything else in life. Take it all one step, one day-at-a-time.

With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

2020, You’re Really Trying Me

As my last blog talked about my adventures in Pennsylvania, I need to continue on what some might consider a bit of a shit sandwich. As I was coming home from the airport LAX, I was graced with the news that my dog of eight-years needed to be put down, because she was sick and wasn’t getting any better.

What a way to capitalize an already emotionally charged time in my life. Ever wonder how much one person can endure? I swear that this year is just trying to break me, but I’m gonna be okay. I did cry a bit today as I was finishing updating my social media. Looking at a pic that I took of Smush a couple of weeks ago really got to me. This could be because I’ve either not fully processed everything, or it’s just now starting to hit me.

I know that I’ve still kept myself busy since being back. I don’t feel like I do a whole lot most days, but when you break down the stuff that I do keep involved in, I guess that I do keep busy. For example, I finished the blog that I had started on Friday, published it. I did a live video on Facebook, then I also worked on costuming for a character that’s premiering on a comedy that we’re writing. Plus I dealt with other movie business as well.

I don’t feel like it’s a whole lot as I didn’t study any of my personal training stuff until today, and I finished the chapter that I had working on for what seemed like weeks now. At least I have ten-days at home to concentrate and get some stuff done. That’s the price I had to pay, just to travel all across the United States.

Before I get off track, I should mention a bit more about my pug, Smush. She’s been my dog since we got her over eight-years-ago. I was the human that she claimed as hers. I’ve never had an animal that seemed so loving or dedicated as Smush. There’s going to be a place that seems to be missing in my heart. She was the best little pug, though a pain-in-the-ass at the same time. I’m going to miss her.

I swear to God that my keeping busy isn’t a way to avoid anything, but I feel like anytime away from trying to be creative seems to be a waste anymore. I play video games as a way to relax, or wake-up. I do the same with movies, unless I’m doing some studying as a filmmaker. Is it crazy that I still don’t feel like I’m doing enough? Has this become an unhealthy obsession?

I know that I had five-days-away from doing anything, besides family things, but man I feel like I’m either making up for lost time, or maybe I’ve got a renewed vigor. I know that as my group gets more and more into the projects that we’re developing, I want to do this as a full-time thing. I’m even excited that I’ll eventually be training people to become healthier, and I figure that at some point I won’t have to depend on other entities to be my boss.

That was always a goal I had in mind since I was old enough to figure out the kinds of things that I wanted to do when I became an adult. It used to be about me having my own music producing company, then it was on to having my own film company. These are blurring and becoming more like reality.

Everybody grieves differently, or so I keep getting told. Could this be how I grieve? By creating? By letting my ambitions to lead me in a different direction? I guess that I could have other vices that could be more destructive, yet here I am, choosing to create. I’m trying to make life more fulfilling. I’m not saying that what I’m creating is necessarily beautiful, but that’s in the perspective of the beholder. I’m just here to entertain, and enlighten. I’ve been told that I do both decently and I continue to improve, that is the goal over all. To improve.

I’m choosing to use the loss of my mother and my dog, as a way to inject something into my creative process. I’m going to show their love through whatever it is I’m doing. It’s my way of taking the negative and turning it into something positive. I feel that this shows where my personal growth has gone. As I’ve strived to improve myself, I find that the way I would react to many things have changed over time.

This Covid-19 pandemic has proved that I’ve changed my perspective on things. I’ve had friends complain on how this has inconvenienced their lives, and how they wish that live would quickly get back to normal. The way I look at this is that this has turned into an opportunity to grow, and learn. I’ve been fortunate to still be working, and it’s a blessing because I’ve taken the time to pay off debts, and right now I think that’s where a good focus is, because I’m trying to build something, and I need to make decisions that could potentially stop this type of income from coming in.

The risk versus the reward, has been something that’s been weighing on my mind for sometime now. Even today with the pandemic becoming bigger and more serious, it weighs on me even more.

Side note: This blog started several weeks ago and I am now getting back to it now twenty-days later.

Things have been crazy since I started this blog. One of those things that have been heading in the right direction is the fact that movie business has picked up an opportunity to have a place for a creative base for at least the little bit. Yet, November has just seemed to go by, and I took a bit of a mental break the last week or so.

With that break though I find myself getting back on track today with completing a couple of quizzes for my ISSA personal trainer certification. I’ve done twenty-two out of thirty-one quizzes so far. I need to have my CPR certificate, and I realized that I updated mine last year. So things are starting to look good again.

I should say that I’ve been changing the way that I eat, and I’m starting to feel better about my weight loss journey. This is the one thing that I’ve been struggling with. I’m not sure why I let myself get back into some of those bad habits, because I do feel better not being as big as I was. I’m not trying to let my mental state use food as a crutch, I promise that I’m not.

I guess that I should address my mental state a bit, because since I’ve been back to work I keep getting asked the same question everyday, by what seems like, everyone. “Am I okay?” I honestly don’t know how to respond more than I’m fine. I mean there’s been so much that has gone on over the last month, and even most of the year, I feel like I might have just skated by and gone through the motions. I really am in a place where I just don’t think that I’ve completely processed the events that have gone on, but I also just don’t feel like I really have anything to say to anybody. I don’t mean to seem like a dick, or that I’m ungrateful for the concern, but I just don’t feel like talking about anything, except to a few people and those people aren’t really any part of my usual circles as it is.

Truth is I’ve found something that has spoken to me, and I feel that it’s trying to lead me to a path somewhere on the opposite side of our country. I don’t know how to explain it, but Pennsylvania spoke to my soul. I connected to a part of my life that I never knew was missing before, and I’m eternally grateful for those who took time out of their lives to let me in, even for a brief time, or better yet, opened a bit more of a bond then just through text.

I have my goals here, that I’ll continue to pursue, but I also think that I want to take part of that and build it in Pennsylvania as well. I’m going to leave with those words, here, and now. I also want to say that while things haven’t always looked the best, and that I’ve tried to keep that silver lining going, I do have plans to show where my success is starting to show, it’s just going to take a bit of time, but all will be revealed.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Too Late To Say Goodbye

I was in the air. My phone was on airplane mode. The flight was delayed by a hour, and I just couldn’t make it to say goodbye. There were things that I wanted to tell her before she passed, sorry that I wasn’t a better son, I wish I would have tried harder to have a relationship. I guess in the end she got something she wanted, her three kids together.

A family member of mine, whom I was meeting for the first time, said that she felt that my mother heard and knew that I was coming. This family member also said that she felt my mother tried to hold out to the last minute, yet I landed forty-three minutes late. Sorry that I couldn’t be there for you, mom. I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready to have a relationship with this side of the family. This happened Friday night, October twenty-third. The night I lost the person I had only really known as the woman who had given me birth. She was the mother to a half-brother and half-sister I didn’t really know.

The happened when I got here to Mechanicsburg, PA on Oct. 23, 2020. The following is about my time here being present with family:

When I got here, I was picked up by my brother’s ex, and baby mama, Jessica. I hope that if, and when she reads this, that she’ll know that she’s an amazing woman, and I will always be grateful for the kindness shown, and the character that she has towards me, who’s a bit of a stranger, and towards my brother, who honestly needs someone like her to be there for a support and want for him to succeed.

It was close to midnight when I had gone to the front of the airport, and saw her. She told me about my mother’s passing. She had said that she didn’t know how or when would have been the right time to tell me. The thing that stuck out was that I told her that she was taller than I expected. Don’t get me wrong, I was saddened by the news of my mother’s passing, but I guess that I wasn’t surprised, and if I was to be honest, we’ve already had built a friendship over text, and I was glad it was her to tell me this news.

As we got to her house, her oldest daughter, Abby was still awake, and seemed like she wanted to meet me. She’s no blood relation to my family, but I had considered her my niece, and I was glad to meet her. The thing about Abby is that she was putting a Stevie Nicks vibe to me and I had mentioned that to her. She got a loving and kind personality who has a passion for gymnastics. Now I bet you’re wondering why I would talk about people other than my mother, I promise that I’ll get to everything in a minute.

Abby had volunteered to give up her mattress to bring it down to the living room so that I would have a comfortable place to sleep. I was appreciative to this eleven-year-olds generous heart. I even took her to get a treat because she became my buddy. She’s a child that I see will be successful wherever she decides to go in live.

Not to be out done by that, the next morning I got to meet my niece Elena. She six, red hair, and a feisty attitude to built. She comes out and pretends to be shy and gives me a card. She says that she loves me and wants me to move in. This girl is too cute, but also a vicious attitude to boot. Before the end of the day, I’ve already named her my saccharine valkyrie. I think she’s going to be an intense fire as she gets older. Plus she’s cute, and that’s a dangerous combination.

I was fortunate to meet my brother Dave for the first time. Dave and I have similar interests, and I also know that we’ve not always seen eye-to-eye, but I was glad to meet him. He’s as loving to those two girls as anyone I’ve ever seen be dedicated to a small human. It makes me proud to see him be a good father, even though life hasn’t been easy for him. I attest that his love is a reflection of how our mother was as a parent. I had found humor and enjoyment of watching him interact with Abby and Elena.

I think the humor came in the form of how much those little girls have “daddy” wrapped around their fingers. Elena’s fiery spirit is as Dave tells me, much like how our sister Barby was at that age(I’ll be discussing her soon). Through my brother, I can see how the girls will always be taken care of and protected by him.

Out of all of my actually family members, Dave was the one that I spent the most time with. We got to enjoy each others company, and we got to do little projects with the girls. Our time was family time, and a way that we could connect with each other and as well as the ladies who run his life.

We went over to my mother’s house for a sort of get together, and I met an aunt and some cousins, as well as my half-brother, and my half-sister(which I actually have much to say about her). It was nice to meet them and hear the stories of my mother and her love of life. It was nice to meet a few cousin’s that I had only talked too through Facebook. It was nice to know how much she meant to so many people. I had the distinct disadvantage of not really having any of those root connections to my mother, and I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb.

I was afraid that people were going to have issues with me being there, as I was the child who was never around, or seemed to make any effort to actually get closer to the family. I was pleasantly surprised that I was welcomed without drama, and that Dave wasn’t having any of those negative vibes going on that day. I also started to get things filled in for me that I never knew, and I walked away from that experience feeling a bit better about going.

I know that as I had left the airport the day before, that my stomach became queasy and that I was starting to feel a bit nervous about this encounter, but the initial meeting was better than expected.

Now, I need to talk about that other important person, and the one I felt that I learned the most about how much I was important to my mother, that would be my little sister Barbra. She four-years younger, and one of the most free-spirits that I’ve ever known. She’s the one that I’ve video chatted the most and honestly connected the most with. In part with a strange and special connection that I’ve not felt before.

Jessica, Dave, and I had got to Milfinburg, to pick her up and take her with us to do the funeral arrangements, on Monday, but it was that hug on Saturday that was what was special. I never had been hugged so tightly by anyone in the world like that. It was that hug that said, “I love you big brother”. She’s interesting with her views on life, and mom’s death hit her the hardest, however, she was staying strong, and I’m glad that she’s done well with keeping herself together. Mom was her best friend, so she felt the loss the hardest.

Monday after we had finished with what errands that us kids needed to do, I had decided to stay back at mom’s place and spend the night getting to know my sister. I don’t exactly know how to explain what the connection was, but Barby and I just seem to connect on a different level than anyone I’ve ever been around. I was glad that she would share her experiences with me, and tell me how much mom loved me. She even showed me writings where mom would talk about how much she missed and loved me.

I don’t know if I deserved that love, or if she deserved the way I ended up keeping my distance from that side of the family. What I do know is that regardless of what may have gone down in the past, I feel a bit more complete, and I think that it’s the next chapter in my life, where I’m not just the only-child anymore. I have a younger brother, and sister with whom I care about. They matter to me, and now we have that connection.

I know that we’re planing on doing something next year, where there’s like a family reunion, only doing it as a post celebration-of-life thing in remembrance of mom. It’s going to be a way off because I’ve got my own herd to take across the country, and well it does cost money, but it will give us a chance to actually get things organized and ample time to provide for everybody in the family to come as well.

Will it run smooth? Will there be drama? I would hope not, but like most family ordeals, those things tend to happen to some extent. I just hope that all things will be done with the remembrance of who my mom was, and the impact that she seemed to have on the family as a hole.

This is the director, and as I say that’s a wrap, I find that there are new things developing for me, and I find that the last five-days in Pennsylvania has somehow altered the course of my life.

I Slipped

I suppose I should start out by saying that I finally weighed myself the other day. It said that I had gained about twenty-pounds. I’m not surprised, I’ve become more self-aware that I realized that I started going the wrong way. My clothes weren’t fitting quite like they used too. However, I’m not going to let that keep me down. I know what I’ve been doing wrong, as even if the pandemic has hampered some of the things I had been doing, I do realize that I have been, and will be doing all that I can to correct my path and get on the right track.

The hard part is that I’ve let the situations in life distract me from my goals. I know that the last couple of weeks seem to be testing me, but I’ve not let it keep me down so far. I need to get that focus back, and I need to not let life hold me back. I know it’s all about how I react to the situations in life. With me finally getting off of the nightshift, I feel that I’m starting to get back on track to that motivation that I need. Crazy part is that in the beginning, the shift took a bit to get used too, but I was doing well. Even with the bum ankle that I had for the longest time I was going strong.

Then I came down with a case of food poisoning. It took me out for a week, but on the bright side, it did give me the time to fully heal my ankle. The shitty part was that it seemed to take forever to get that motivation back. This was also during the first part of the pandemic for Covid-19. I kept working though, just couldn’t seem to keep getting my motivation going. It would seem that I had all-the-time-in-the-world, but the truth is I got distracted by other things. I got involved with a situation that started to put me into a depressive fog.

The issue with that depressive fog was that I didn’t realize what it was at the time, and it really lasted for way too long. The pandemic also ended up limiting my time with my personal trainer, and again, I wasn’t as motivated to work out. These things combined; and I’m just not being as active as I could be. I could look at this as a failure and say that I feel like giving up, but that would be too easy. I’m not going to let this hold me back.

Update: Since I started writing this blog the other night, I had gone to the emergency room, thinking that I might have had a kidney stone, however after seeing the doctor, he thought that I should get my gallbladder checked out. I haven’t gotten the results back since I just went in on Monday, the twelfth. I discovered since my lowest weight, I’ve only gained a little over eighteen pounds. I know that it could have been far worse than it was. Like I said before, I could let this keep me down, however I choose to allow this to be a teacher, and I’m getting the focus back that I need to continue on to my success.

One of those things about the weight loss journey is that there are many companies that want you to think that it’s a complete slope going down hill once you lose weight. As a matter of fact, many companies tend to market off this idea, to “sell the illusion” to convince you to buy their product. People tend to gravitate to the idea, as a quick fix.

I’ve struggled with weight my whole life, and to say that I’ve never tried one of those fad diets would be a lie. I mean they do work, to some extent, but the whole concept is too keep you on “their” diet plan for as long as possible. My journey hasn’t been a straight down slope, as a matter of fact, I’ve hit a plateau for a long time. I didn’t let it keep me down, however, I do need to get that focus back. The positive is that I’m not starting over, and that I have a place of reference now, more than I ever did before.

The strange part is that I saw this coming, and I knew how it happened. The incredible part is that I’ve never been so in touch with my own awareness. For the longest time, at my heaviest. it felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt like I was trapped in a body that wasn’t mine. Could this have ben a result of some trauma from my past? I think I might hit up one of my professional friends for some insight into this.

I think that this is part of that whole taking power back, and I know that I can do better, and will do better. I admit that I want to say that it feels like I let people down. I guess part of the transparency is the fact that we all slip and fall. The lesson is to get up and keep going. To quote the greatest storyteller of our time, Stan Lee, he would always use the word excelsior. If you look up the Latin meaning, it’s meaning is ever upward https://www.dictionary.com/browse/excelsior.

I think about the man, Stan Lee, and how his stories have impacted my life. It’s excelsior that seems to be something that’s hitting me more and more these days. I mean look at The CK Project, it’s about mental health, weight loss, improving one’s self. It’s about ever upward. It’s about pushing yourself in a forward direction.

I’m surprised that it hasn’t hit me as hard mentally as I would have expected, but then again, I think the fact that I’m staying busy keeps me from having those stupid thoughts from coming in. Don’t you hate it when your mind tells you those negative things? I have had this conversation recently with people that I care about. It sucks that we tend to self-sabotage ourselves of our potential, of our happiness.

I will say that it felt good to get a podcast the other day for The CK Project, https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA. We addressed World Mental Health, as it’s something that still isn’t always talked about. Plus, what ever we’ve been dealing with behind the scenes, is helping pump up my motivation, and we’re trying to set some new, reasonable goals. It’s all about finding a way for our work flow to be more effective.

Keep finding those things that make you thrive. Too much in this world seems to want to keep people down from living and being happy. Some people want to say that working and making money is living. I say that working and money is the way to survive. Being a motivational person, and a filmmaker is the way I live. For so long I let other people dictate to me what living was all about, and right now I can say that they’re wrong. You want to know the secret? Passion! That’s the thing that people should discover for themselves to survive, what they are passionate about.

I’m working on being more effective for those who follow my stuff, and I’m trying to diversify what content I do bring unto you. I know that we are making some strides in places that’s going to lead to some of the most incredible stuff that we can provide. I can’t wait to share all those plans, because next year is going to be a productive year.

As always, thanks for checking out the blog. Please like, and subscribe. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.