Three Years of Blogs

I got a notification that I’m upon my three year anniversary with WordPress. I can’t believe that I’ve been sharing my experiences on here with everybody. That’s at least three years that I’ve shown my vulnerable side, and it’s not always been easy. I’ve shared laughs, struggles, and my dealings with trying to figure my mental health out. For that, I’ve been honored to share that with you.

The truth is, I started blogging about my issues a few years before that, when all I had was Facebook as the tool to blog on. I’m glad that I transitioned here, because I found it easier to tell my story on here, and to pass it on to other social media sites that I’m a part of. WordPress has become the central hub to my experiences in life. I like the fact that it keeps track of how many words I’ve used, and the averages that comes with that. It shows me that my writing has improved in length. I wanted to be able to write bigger and better blogs, and in which I’ve seemed too.

Being open about who I am, and what I struggle with hasn’t been easy. It may also surprise people that I’ve found allies in the most unlikely places. I’ve even connected with people I’ve long since forgotten, and have built bonds with these people, like I never would have dreamed in the years of my youth.

Some of the biggest surprises that I’ve found is that people have shared struggles that I never realized they had gone through while we were kids. I viewed many of them as the “popular crowd” and have been told how they’ve struggled to fit in. Some admiration has come out of it as they think that I’m brave for what I do. To that end, the fact that I stopped giving a shit about the negative views of how people perceive me has added to the strength and resolve in my life.

As I part the views on how blogging has helped me work through my issues, I also feel like this particular blog share in a way be a manifesto for where I see things going for myself, and the things that I represent.

This weekend ended up being productive as I was able to get two different consultations in with people who could use some advice. I was honored to reach out a helping hand to both, and that is something I foresee doing more of as time goes on.

I’ve over the last few years become not only a blogger, but a podcaster, and I’m now looking to add vlogging unto the many versions of content that I provide. Some of my content does better than others, but I never plan on trying to get anything to go viral. It would be cool if something of mine did, but I never go in to creating something like that. I figure if something resonates, it’ll go viral on it’s on merits and I’m good with that.

I’ve already been able to help people over the last several months, and it truly is a blessing that I’ve been able to be there to help change lives. I feel that this was what I was put on this earth for, to help, be a light, to help people who seem lost. If this is God’s plan, I think I’m on the right track.

I don’t think that this is going to stop here though, I feel that I have much more to do to help people. Some people might think of it as I’m being a Social Justice Warrior, but I feel that with the way current events are going, that there are sects of society that baffle me. Sexism is real, racism is real, bigotry mindsets in every aspect is real, and I don’t get how it is that we haven’t evolved beyond these mind sets.

I feel that the basic human right is that everyone should be able to live without fear, and love the person that makes them happy, within reason. None of that creepy stalker type love, or anything like that. Equality should be amongst everyone without the issue of discrimination. I guess there are those who fear the change of the status quo.

I’m an ally to many of those who feel discriminated, and yes, I’ve seen the ugliness in the various sects of our culture. First, I’m a cis, white male, and already that label seems to make me an enemy in parts of the LGBTQ+ community. Second, I’m a geek, and I’ve heard the comments that come out in my own favorite fandoms, which takes me aback because this part of the society was looked down upon, by the more mainstream parts of society.  Because I’ve been overweight, I’ve seen and felt the hate from people who look at me like I was lazy.

I think the worse part of discrimination is those who are hypocritical about it. I know heavy set people who are disgusted by the idea of dating another heavy set person, or have a dislike for other people of similar size. My ex-father-in-law was that kind of person, and he would make rude comments at every opportunity that he got.

While this blog went a few unexpected places, I’m just the guy who talks about his experiences and opinions, and with that; this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Giving Into A Bigger Cause

As I sit here, I’m reflecting on all these past memories that come up on Facebook. I find where I’ve had motivation, and I see where I lacked the insight that would later help to develop the person that I would become. Seeing the first real developmental moments of starting the weight loss process with Weight Watchers in 2011. Seeing how I had started the CK Project as a way to motivate myself, and hold myself accountable. Then to watch it inspire people along the way.

It was an important time in my life, and I wasn’t even sure that it would turn into something more. I always that that the CK Project stood for the Chris Keeling project, hell I originally called in Project Keeling. I knew that I wanted to keep a record of whatever process that I was going through at the time. Little did I know that I would give into negative thoughts, and have a meltdown in which my life would take an unexpected turn.

Two years into trying to become physically better, my mind would shut down, and the CK Project was dead. It was just something that had gone to a back burner, and ignored. As I look back to this dark time period, I realized that I would respond more to negative things, and lunge out in a defensive manner. It came down to a “bring it on” type mentality, and in person, I wasn’t prepared for the things I would have to come to terms with.

I was angry, and at the time I felt rightfully so, because people get mean, nasty, and entitled. I didn’t have a way to vent out the frustrations that would come out of these daily interactions. I would internalize every ounce of negativity, and it would be mirrored back towards my family. Towards myself, I had been stuck in a spot that wasn’t pleasant. I felt trapped, not just professionally, but personally. What made things worse was I wasn’t any good to myself, and I resented being with my partner. We had issues, and it was more because of the fact that I didn’t want to deal with the situation. I just wanted to shut the world out, and be numb. Often times, I think that’s the way people deal with hurt, and trauma, is to go to a place where they attempt not to feel the emotions and pain that comes with these high pressure situations.

It took another major event in life to get my attention and make me realize that I needed to snap out of the dense haze of self loathing. Some people consider it “divine intervention”. This event had caused me to look at myself, and realize what it was that I needed to do to get better. If there is one thing that is difficult to master, it’s taking  a critical look at oneself and looking at one’s flaws.

I needed to prepare myself in ways that I knew had to bring me back to a presence that I hadn’t really been in mentally for a long time. I made decisions to take back my own life, and had to realize that part of my problems where that I didn’t have purpose, and that I needed to learn to react better to the situations in life.

The change was a hard and slow process to go through. I had to learn to not hate myself, and I needed to find that relief of not feeling so trapped. Finding that purpose in life, and how I wanted to be represented to others were the start of my healing.

I’ve always had a good heart and I loved to help people, unfortunately, that’s also lead to a lot of heartache and caution when interacting with others. I find that new relationships that develop often times come with a bit of paranoia when trying to figure out what angle these people are playing. Most often it comes up when it comes to actually needing assistance in some way. Myself and my family have been hurt by this more times then we would care to admit.

Back to the subject at hand; there were so much emotion, and loss that had happened in life that I realized that I needed to do something. I more than ever wanted to share my story in hopes that others wouldn’t feel alone when suffering in depression. I started telling my story, and doing mini-blogs on Facebook, and this time of year is when they all start to appear on my memories. It’s made me realize that everything happens for a reason. The good, and the bad, it’s in the balance that people grow.

Going to school and finding WordPress was a blessing. It was about two-years after I decided that I wanted to talk about my mental health, and it presented me with a platform that I could get my story out to more people. It was easier to spread out in my various platforms of social media as well.

As I started to present this as the new and improved CK Project, it’s funny how it went back full circle and went back to my weight loss journey as well. Seeing that my physical and mental health are very intertwined, has allowed me to connect better with people. It’s allowed me to form more bonds with others, because my story isn’t that uncommon.

It’s strange to think that mental health and obesity are both subjects that are taboo, and how much people judge on  those basis. I even know people who have a dislike for “fat people” while they aren’t exactly small either. Is this another form that goes with mental health? I think that I’ll have to go down that rabbit hole with research at another point in time.

Sometimes people regret the decisions that they’ve made in their past, and often times, “if I could only do it again, I’d do it differently,” are often spoke. If you asked me that same question, my answer would be no. I’ve been through those dark times at various points in my life, do I wish that I knew better than I did? Hell yes, but I wouldn’t change it. I think it took that last time to allow me to get my head right. I needed to get through that rough time, just so I could evolve. I’m better now, I’ve invested in myself, which isn’t something I would have ever done. By investing in myself, I’ve been given the motivation to help others, and I’ve seen what my helping others is doing. I get to watch these people I help, grow, and become better version of themselves.  To me, that’s one of the best gifts that I could think of.

I want to share a conversation I had at work the other day:

I was working with a co-worker, and we got into the conversation about God. I'm by no rights a religious person, but I do have a spiritual belief in a higher power. God, and my personal beliefs don't usually come up, anywhere but we started talking about the Bible. Act 7:48 (God) dwelleth not in temples made with hands.




It got me to thinking that if the body is the temple, and you fix it, and build it strong, is that why we feel better mentally? Or how about the fact that I also feel better spiritually? I know when I go out for my walks, it feels like my meditation. I feel closer to having a conversation with God, or even just the fact that it helps me talk to myself and sort out ideas in my mind.

Life is a puzzle, and I know that I’ll never have everything figured out. All I know is that I was put here to help people. If there’s anything I can do to help, please reach out and I’ll see what I can do. This is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

Alone with My Thoughts

While everything’s going well, there are those days that the negative thoughts cross my mind. I had an issue the other night while being left alone at work. The strange part isn’t that there’s anything wrong, but I started fixating on past decisions, and possible choices that I’m in the process of doing. It was followed by a bit of depression.

On the plus side, self harm was never part of the thought process, but it just made for a slightly rough night. The other part was that it’s caused me to feel a bit off for the weekend, and I’m not completely sure why. That’s one of those problems that comes with depression, you can’t always know what it is that starts an episode.

I guess that part of what has set me off is that fact that I’ve also been feeling a bit on the fat side lately. I know that sounds crazy since I’ve lost so much weight, but it happens sometimes. I was talking to a friend and he said that it could take up to seven years to get out of that mind set.

One of the other issues that has come up is the fact that I’ve seemed to hit a plateau again. I’m very aware that this is all apart of the weight loss process, and that it’s about the ups and downs, yet it still gets a bit discouraging. This however will not stop me from continuing the journey or the progress that I’ve started so long ago.

When I started this blog, it was last weekend; around May twenty-second. It was in the last have of the No Zero Day May challenge, with at least thirty minutes of activity a day. While I haven’t done 10,000 steps everyday, I did manage to get in at least the minimum activity. So much so, that most days I seemed to go beyond the minimum requirements that had be presented as the challenge. I upped my game by attempting to average about five miles a day, and I was mostly successful with that. Within the last few weeks, I had also started doing wall push-ups. Sam, my personal trainer said that doing 100 push-ups a day, in any form would help me get better at it. So, I’ve also been getting those in, and this last week, I added doing about 100 Squats. It’s added a bit more to my working out, and doing those exercises has challenged me.

With all these added activities that I’m doing, I’m really starting to realize how important rest days are. As I got to the latter part of this week, the push-ups and squats were really starting to be a challenge to knock out. So, as this is now the weekend, I’ve decided that aside from doing my steps, I think I’m going to take some rest days, and we’ll start concentrating on making the challenges this month be about continuing getting the 100 reps in a day for five days a week. One of the goals is to actually document what effect these continued reps will be doing to my body. I noticed that doing the push-ups have really started to add a bit more shape and muscle to my arms. I really felt the “burn” in both my back, and my pecs as I would do them, yet I think it is becoming more noticeable in my biceps.

Going through this challenge, I had my long-time friend Terry Bays take up the challenge. He’s dealt with health issues his whole life, and diabetes has been a major factor for the last nine, or ten years. I’m proud of the fact that he took this challenge head on, and has noticed that he’s been feeling better about himself. I am so proud of him. My kids adore him, and would like to have their “uncle” Terry around for a long time.

Getting back to the point I started to make, I think part of why I’ve been feeling the way I have, is the fact that so much is going on in life right now, that it just seems to take more time to process than I have been. Sarah’s  Crohn’s Disease has been keeping her down. My oldest child is about to walk down the aisle with her graduating class, and then a couple weeks after will officially be an adult. Plus, I’ve got two other kids getting ready to embark on the next phase of their adolescent journey of middle school. On top of that, Sarah is also dealing with preparing for empty nest syndrome. I guess it’s hard on her because Autumn is the oldest, and they have a different bond than I do with her.

My philosophy on parenting is this: We are giving the gift to bring life into this world, and the responsibility to raise our offspring to the best of our abilities.  It’s never easy, and there isn’t an instruction manual on how to operate a small person, but we do our best. I think it’s our job to raise these little people to become responsible and functioning adults. I find relieve in knowing that I didn’t fuck up too much as a parent.

Even at my lowest point in life, I loved my kids. Even when I wasn’t the best parent that I could be. That was the time that Sarah had to pick up more of the slack, and in all honesty, she’s the one that gets depend on the most. That’s the way it goes in most families, mom is the glue that keeps things together and running.

With that, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

Dual Identity

As a child, I would play this game with my friends where I had a twin brother named Kevin. He was the cooler, slightly older brother, by twelve minutes, and he was liked. I’m not saying that I wasn’t liked, but Kevin seemed to give me a safe place as not to get hurt.

I was a sensitive child and was easy to make cry. Not only that, but I was easily pushed around, and I would get beat up, even by the girls. It was looked at as a sign of weakness, and would add on to the humiliation that I had already been enduring. At this time of my life, I was seven and this was the first time I had ever really felt that dreaded sense of loneliness, and the first thoughts of taking my own life.

I can’t remember if it was before this or just some time after that I started to pretend that I had a twin, but he felt like he was the best parts of me, and non of the parts that people seemed to focus on. He never manifested at school though, and living on a military base, there where biases about enlisted children, being one myself, on a base full of officers.

I never realized that classism was one of the first factors of discrimination that I ever faced. Oh and the fact that I was over weight contributed to others forms of bullying(I find writing about this gives me a reflection of things I never realized). Yet, being a target of bullying followed me pretty much my whole life.

When we moved away from Okinawa, Kevin kind of disappeared. I don’t know if it was that I thought that a new place, new beginnings mentality was in place, but I was willing to see where things would progress. On to the Black Hills of South Dakota. I got the nick name Okie, but coming from where I had been, I felt that it was something that I was being made fun of, and I didn’t like it. I was sensitive, and being on the defensive was always something I came up to know.

I had been in Rapid City for about a year when I was rejected by my crush, and being a kid, I was careless on my bike and with that I got into an accident and almost died. I had broken multiple bones, and suffered from severe head trauma. I was in a coma for about three weeks because of it.

Now, this is where things are unclear, because I don’t remember things very well from this time, but I don’t know if I was just being inattentive, or if I had another suicidal thought, but this accident changed me. I became a different person due to the trauma I suffered. My parents basically compared it to going from the “light side” to the “dark side of the force.” All humor aside, I became a far more cynical person. My humor had gotten different, and I reacted differently to things.

Now when someone suffers from a head injury, processing emotions and empathy become more difficult, and can at times be lacking(https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mouse-man/201001/traumatic-brain-injury-leads-problems-emotional-processing). At the time I didn’t understand, but as I’ve recently seen my mom go through the same thing, I’ve been enlightened by this. 

Lacking the emotional reactions, explain quite a  bit as I’ve had troubles when it’s come to my own kids getting hurt at times. I’ve gotten better about it over the years, but now I understand my lack of reaction to these events.

So, I worked hard to get through my injuries, and I had to relearn to do basic things, like going to the bathroom, I also had struggled to learn how to do class work because I would process things slower. I also had to relearn to walk as I broke my pelvis in two spots, and took a chunk out of my femur bone.

I had viewed my life as I was still quite unpopular, and I struggled, because all I had ever done my whole life was wanting to fit in. One summer, a friend suggested that I tell a little lie to help gain confidence, and I basically reinvented “Kevin”, only this time it was my story. I told one little lie and it helped, then I told another, and after a while I got popular, and too be honest, high school at the time felt good to be on top, but I really didn’t like who I became, and how I treated the people who really did care about me the most.

After high school, we moved to California, and I decided that I was going to be who I was and that honesty was the best policy. The funny thing was, that I had become the best of myself, and my alter ego. That’s who I am today, and with the events that have sculpted my life, I’m just getting better every day.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

See the Stage, Hear the Critics

It’s funny, because I just did a podcast about this very subject tonight, as well as a few unexpected things in the process.

I’ve been asked about the backlash of sharing my mental health struggles, and how I deal with those things. I also get asked if I’m ever afraid of how being so open about them could negatively affect my livelihood, and how I would react to that as well. The simplest way to start, is to say that I started to share my story and struggles in hopes that it would save a life. That’s where it all started, and I had the duel purpose of helping me sort out myself.

People don’t like to talk about mental health issues; it’s not something that people can see, usually, and honestly, it’s not something that people who don’t deal with it can understand. Yes, I’m aware that having come out and say that I’ve had a few suicidal episodes, that it has opened Pandora’s Box, and yes I understand that it can, and does bring some harsh judgement with it. Truth be told, I’ve yet to deal with someone who’s actually had something negative to my face about it. Is it because we live in a world with mature adults, full of understanding? No. Could they be afraid to talk to me about it because they think I could go crazy on them? That I can’t answer.

I do notice that there are people in the professional world, who seem to lack a bit of maturity when dealing with a co-worker, like at Wal-Mart, and I remember observing the same when I worked at Kmart, so before anybody thinks that I’m mentioning specific people, I’m not. I also notice that there are few that actually have the courage to say something to somebody’s face. Society doesn’t tend to like one-on-one confrontation. In a way I guess that could be a survivalist way to go about the day, because you never know who’s having that one bad day that could turn into something far worse.

Back to the story at hand; yes, I’m aware that I opened Pandora’s Box, and to be honest I’m glad that I’m open about it. It’s given me such a wheel to start a dialogue with people who are afraid to speak up about their struggles with depression, and the other uncomfortable emotions that can go with that. I know that people tend to focus on the negative, but my story isn’t about where I was, it’s about how I survived. That’s one thing I think people should try to understand about me, I survived.

People have said that they’ve thought about taking their own lives before, and I know that it isn’t uncommon to have that glimmer even for a moment, and not taking that away from anybody struggling with those thoughts, it becomes a different story when it’s been reoccurring since I was seven. I survived, and I’m better than I was. So, I have no shame in the choice to be open about it, and I never will, again.

I had someone confide to me on messenger one time and tell me that it was nice to know that going through those grueling times I came out on top, and it had inspired them to seek the help they needed. There it was, the reward I got for writing about it, and talking openly about it, someone had sought the help they needed. That is exactly the reason I do what I do. People copy and paste on Facebook about doing buddy checks to know who they could talk to, or to show that they are an option. I stopped copying and pasting, and simply replay, that is why I do what I do. Those friends who I respond too already know what the CK Project is about, some of them where there while I was in the bad spots.

This is more than a copy and paste to me. By the time I was a year into my absence of work, seven people that I knew, or knew someone I was associated with had killed themselves. People will never know how bad I felt knowing this, I had distant family members pass this way, people I liked, and I felt worse because I had thought that way. This is why I do what I do, because I saved someone from over dosing on pills, and I was able to help talk them down and get them the help they needed. I felt like Superman. I felt like the figures I had looked up to my entire life, the characters who had helped me build the strong ethic and moral code that I live by. I saved a life that day.

Sure people are critical, and they think that I should keep my “issues” silent, but why would I ever do that when I saved a life? Can the critics honestly say that? Can they say they chose to listen and help someone off the ledge of the building that could have costed someone their very essence in this world? This is why I do what I do. This is a purpose that I honestly feel I was put on this Earth for. I’m here to help and inspire people, and that’s what I’ve been doing for the better part of eight years now. That way when I saved the first person from making a bad decision.

Everything else came along as I grew and evolved, even when I had my break down, all that ever did was make me stronger in the end. It took that period at “rock bottom” to help me develop what I needed to be motivated, and take initiative to find out who I truly was. While I don’t have the powers of a comic book hero, my gift is that I’m wiling to stand up and be brave enough to reach out a hand in friendship and guidance. Being someone who’s gone through hell and come out the other side, has given me a bit of insight and understanding on the struggles in life.

I think it’s human nature to be self destructive, and it takes so much work to get out of that habit. So, I’ll stand here and say it as loud as possible, I’m Chris Keeling, and I’m a survivor of having self hatred and self destructive tendencies. How can I help?

Twenty Pounds Worth of Plastic

So, on May fourth was my seventeen month check up, and I had dropped another one and a half pounds since the last time I personally checked. So that put me at 265, and I was excited. My hard work continues to pay off, it’s just not as fast at it once was. Though the numbers continue to help motivate me to keep going.

Things have happened that kept me from getting to this blog started on May sixth.

While I was there the subject of skin removal had come up by the doctor, and he told me that removing stomach skin would take off an additional twenty pounds. This was exciting, but at the same time anxious news. While the idea of losing my extra skin sounds great from the vanity point of view, doing my observation on the weight loss support groups has shown me that the procedure has a a painful recovery time.

The recovery time is six weeks from what I gather, and that would mean that another six weeks of my life would be put on hold. While that doesn’t sound that bad considering the ultimate pay off, it still puts a tinge of nervousness on me. I know that I will go through it, as I plan on continuing to the final parts of this weight loss process, and I know that I still have about six months, if not more, to decide when I’ll get it done.

Continuing on the subject of my weight loss journey, I was on Instagram last week, and I saw on the West Medical page that yours truly was the transformation Tuesday for them. I was in shock, but I do remember telling them that they could use me as an example, especially since I seem to be doing my journey the right way. I needed up checking it out on Twitter as well, and I tweeted them and asked them if I could get on a billboard once I reached my goal weight.

To me, that just gives the CK Project that much more legitimacy, and it shows that my hard work is paying off. Hard work, that doesn’t always come easy. There are times I want to quit, and give up on everything. There are times that I still feel like I’m at 429. I was told just yesterday that it should take about seven years for me to get out of that mind set. In the end, I know that I have this, even if it’s a struggle at times.

Now to the point of why this blog has taken so long to get out: I’ve been mentally at a spot that I haven’t felt comfortable about where the pressures in life have been coming from. I’ve felt in adequate, and I can’t really pin point the source of why I’ve been feeling that way.

The last two weekends, my sleep schedule has been shit. I haven’t been able to shut my mind off, and it’s been difficult not thinking about everything under the moon. I hope that the steps that I’ve taken to forward myself professionally works out the way I would like. I’ve had to take a step back and look at all the factors in my life, and formulate a five year plan. So far, it’s too early to see those results, as it’s just starting.

The strange part about my decision was that it was never apart of the over scheme for my life, and I said that I never would take that leap. God, things really have changed for me over the last year and a half. So much has happened that has been unexpected, and here I am, finding a different passion, and connection to life. This journey continues to take me places that I find surprise me, and the choices that I make.

For the last thoughts on this blog today is that I started a challenge that I found on Tumblr, while I’m in someone’s challenge there, I reached out on my various social media pages, and posted a fun challenge called The No Zero Day May challenge. The challenge consists of doing some sort of physical activity everyday during the month of May, no rest. You can do a light walk, as a rest day, but the challenge is to keep it going all month.

The awesome part is that I have three people that I personally know taking this challenge, and I’m excited to see their results everyday. My friend Terry has taken this challenge and is kicking so much ass, and his results are making me proud. He’s been my friend for over twenty-years and I’ve seen his health go down hill, that to hear that his weight is dropping and his blood sugar numbers are going down, is a gift unto itself.

I can’t believe that we’re already almost half way through the year already. It’s crazy to see how things are going so fast. I’m not ready for my oldest to graduate next month, and then become a legal adult. Anyway, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

Running With Fifteen Seconds To Go

The unknown is something that can be scary, and with the fact that I’ve come a long way since the last time I had to do a run for work, the fat person inside of me kept telling me that I couldn’t do it. Everyone kept telling me that I could in fact make the run because I had been keeping active, walking ten-thousand steps a day. Also the fact that I’ve lost so much weight and I’m in better shape than I have been since high school. Everyone was saying that I could do it….

As much as I’ve grown over the last five years, and the bounds over the last couple, I still have so much to do. I appreciate the support that I get, and even with my-self doubt, it sometimes takes a perspective that I won’t normally get. I was told that no matter what happened, I already got further than I had before, and I should be proud of what I accomplished. That was the right thing that I needed to hear, and to that individual, thank you so much. It did help get me out of my head.

I have a great support system, and to be honest, I’ve got an amazing group of friends that I get to call my co-workers. It wasn’t always the feeling I got, but I can say that I’ve learned just how amazing some of those people are. To those people who were there to run and support me, thank you. You helped get me to the end, even when I wanted to give up.

So now the question is where do I go from here? What’s the next step in my evolution process? I know that I’m going for a promotion, which could get me about $10,000 more per year. This will help me for so many things that I’ve got going on in my life right now, meaning three brands, paying off debts, bettering my family’s situation. It only makes since that I take that next step.

So, if we do the mental check list, so far I’ve gone and done a huge over haul of my mental health, and I’ve also done an over haul of my physical health. It only makes sense that I work on improving the professional side of things. I feel that with the whole self improvement concept, that would be the next step. Going for a promotion will also put me on an unlikely career path, but I’m coming up with a game plan and I think that this will be a step in the right direction while I fix the rest of my life.

Motivation is the only way to accomplish everything in life. Since the surgery, I’ve slowly become more and more motivate to do things. It’s strange to realize how much more I motivated I am about obtaining my goals in life. I can’t believe that I ever tried to settle for the “safe” path, and not continue on to grab for a greater glory.

I get that people suggesting going the “safe” path generally mean well, but at the same time, in hindsight, I wonder why they never decided to pursue their dreams? Is it because they are afraid to take the risks necessary to fulfill their dreams? The old cliche, “nothing worth doing is ever easy,” remains true.

While I don’t talk about my career directly, it’s just a job that pays the bills. Now what I do for a living everybody knows; I’m a motivational personality, a filmmaker, and professional geek. If it wasn’t for me following my passions, I wouldn’t be alive today. These things are what literally saved my life.

So, how does this all attribute to my weight loss journey? How does this apply to mental health? That’s simple, everything I do, tends to be interlinked with each other. Physically, if you feel better, than your mental state tends to follow. I was surprised at what kind of changes the surgery brought to my mental state. I’m a changed person. People who’ve only known me for about a year, have mentioned how different I am, and I continue to evolve.

The weight loss journey has introduced me to a community of like minded individuals, and I love the support we all have for each other. I met this one person who I’ve been following on Twitter for the last several months go from about 240 pounds, and she weighed-in last week at just under 200. It was exciting to see her video reaction at the news. I was proud, and I feel like a cheer leader with watching her and her enthusiasm that she presents everyday as she takes that step forward. Cabi, if you do get to read this, well done. I’m glad that I get to experience you journey with you.

With that being said, tomorrow I get to go to my next weigh-in with the doctor, and we are going into day four of our No Zero Day May challenge. The challenge is for whoever participates in the challenge to have at least thirty-minutes of activity everyday for the whole month of may. I got this challenge off  Tumblr and I presented it to my various social medias. I’ve gotten participation from people on Facebook, and I’ve been reached out too on Twitter as well. We are trying this as our first group challenge, and we are going to see how well it goes. If it runs smoothly, I will have more challenges going, and I’ll offer some sort of prize in the future, and hopefully it will motivate people to participate more.

This is the Director and that’s a wrap.

 

Uncharted Territory!

As I write this, I’m in total awe at the fact that did a weigh-in today and saw 266.5. I had to have my personal trainer double check for me because I can’t seem to process these numbers anymore.

I’m living in a surreal time of my weight loss journey. I wonder does this happen to anybody else? I’ve always been good with math, yet the numbers on the scale look foreign to me. It’s taking longer to process if I really did lose the weight, or if I gained, even if the numbers did go down. It’s strange and exciting to see numbers that I’ve never seen before and the reward of knowing that I’m that much closer to my goals are just that much more fulfilling.

I’m always asked how do I feel? As I’ve said several times before, physically I feel great, but it’s so much more than just the physical. Mentally, I’m more on point than I have ever been. I haven’t had a sever depressed episode since about the time of my recovery of having the gastric sleeve done. I’ve heard people suffer from a depressed state in later years for one reason or another, like the skin is hanging too loose, or that the weight has been gained back.  I wonder if some people just can’t remember why they had the surgery in the first place? I know that when I made the decision to get the sleeve, that it was going to be a life change. I knew that I was going to have to change several of the fundamentals of my personal belief system to succeed.

Part of succeeding was to learn how to get out of my own head about things. I was well enough versed in my own mind to know that I had to be willing to accept the changes that needed to happen when it came to food. I knew that I couldn’t use food as a drug to get me through the tough times that I would face in the future. I’ll be the first to admit that there were times that I didn’t think I was going to be strong enough to make it, and I had to battle that in my mind for a long time as well.

The first hurdle that I had to over come was the concept of not eating and drinking at the same time. Yes, I realize that I sometimes still do, but nowhere near the amount I used to, and if I get too carried away, then I’m the first to feel the regret of my choices. Surprisingly, I thought this was the biggest choice that I had to make.

The second choice, which you would think would be the first is accepting that food wasn’t the answer to everything. Using it as a drug to cope with various situations in life wasn’t as hard as I thought. I’ll admit to also occasionally grabbing a snack, even if I don’t need it, but then I catch myself afterward to remind me not to do it again. I see that old habits try to sneak back in at times, at least I’m more aware of myself than I was before.

Getting back to the point at hand, I’m in a place in my journey that I can’t seem to comprehend. It feels so good to know that I’ve gotten to a place that I don’t even remember seeing 266 on any weight scale while in school. It’s amazing to know that my hard work as paid off, as I’ve seen and compared my blood results from the past two physicals that I’ve had done, and the numbers are so different. Life is so exciting, and I wish all my problems where that easy.

If you ask anyone who’s been successful in the weight loss surgery department, they’ll tell you that it was the best decision in their lives. If you ask them what triggered them to do that, you might get similar answers. Mine was I got to a point that I was afraid that I’d get so bad that I would never be able to come back from it. The fear of death is a big motivator. This kind of change is good, and don’t let anyone tell you that getting weight loss surgery is “taking the easy way out”. There’s a reason it’s called a tool, and that’s just to get you jump started on a new path to help lose the weight, and I’ll only give the surgery for about eighty pounds of my weight loss. I know for a fact that my success is from the fact that I bust my ass and put the work in.

Putting the work in hasn’t just paid off in the weight loss department, but mentally it has affected me too. It’s given me a focus that doesn’t allow me to get depressed like I used too, plus it’s motivated others, which in turn seems to keep me motivated to do more. The comments from people seeing me walk around and telling me that it’s been a topic at where they work, makes me feel pretty good.

Another aspect with everything I’m doing with my weight loss has made me a better person. I’m being told that a change in the way I present myself is noticeable. I’ve noticed that I’ve become a better friend, a better husband, and a better father. I find that I’ve become more passionate about life, and the things that I do. I get excited to share all the deeds that I’m currently obtaining in life with my co-workers. I find confidence in how I interact with people, and I no longer apologize for who I am.

I’ve always had a strong personality, and I often say that I’m hard to forget. While some of the things I say can appear that I’m a bit conceded and I have an ego. I don’t feel that I have to say sorry for who I am. This is what makes me the person I am. I’m happy to help people, and show them a way to a better self, if only they give me the chance to provide that guidance. The best part is that people are noticing that I’m going somewhere, and that I’m always willing to take them along on this journey. This is the Director, and that’s a wrap.

Connecting Flights on The Weight Loss Journey

Sometimes, we get wonder what it is that puts us on this earth and wonder what’s our purpose here? For as long as I remember, I’ve always wanted to entertain, and make people happy. As I got older and matured, I was fascinated with the idea of causing different emotions by my performances. There was something that was always intoxicating about the power of influence.

I’ve also always wanted to help people, sometimes that ended up being a fault, because not everyone wants help, and they’d throw it in my face, or take advantage of my good graces. So, I’ve become cautious over the years because of it. The expression of experience is the best teacher is very true, almost unfortunate to a fault at times. I’ve had a lot of lessons taught to me because of this.

Sometimes, these lessons come in unexpected ways, and lessons that I wouldn’t expect happened. I had a time where I felt like I stopped growing and learning, and it caused me to be unsatisfied. In all honesty, I would love for Luckey Bom Films to be the thing that takes me where I want to go in life, but I think the divine plan is to have The CK Project is where I’m truly going to make my mark in this world, which is just as worthy to be an end goal.

This has been an incredible journey so far, and I’ve met some of the most inspiring and beautiful people by taking this journey, by sharing, and supporting others who are trying to be more healthy. I think one of the most interesting things about the weight loss journey is that there are many ways to get there, and there is no one right way to get to the ultimate goal. I think that those who lose the weight without weight loss surgery is awe inspiring. That’s not to take away from those of us who had the surgery because it takes just as much work to lose the weight, the surgery is just the “tool” to help get the jump start on the journey.

Being involved with the weight loss community, especially for those who had the surgery. I’ve had networked with all these people through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and these people inspire me to do better. The voyage has made us a type of family, bonded by the fact that we share similar experiences. For some of us, the weight was gained because of depression, and that’s why we appreciate what the journey has done for us. These beautiful souls still have  doubts that they’ll make it through the process. Hell, I have days that I think I won’t make it, and another commonality I see is that there are times we all view ourselves as the heaviest version of ourselves, and I’ve discovered that is something that doesn’t ever really seem to leave.

I’ve seen some people give up on the journey as they felt that they’ve lost all the weight they will ever, and sometimes that brings part, if not all the weight back for others. As long as people find their happiness, then I’m happy for them because it’s important to be happy. I still remember what it’s like to not be happy with myself, and the rage that came with it. I just know that I’m not ready to stop, until  I get to the ultimate goal.

I think the biggest motivator for me is the fact that I’m in competition with myself. I’m pushed by the numbers that I see, because I feel that in the least, I should be able to hit the bare minimum, and yes, I’ve not had motivation to get even the minimum some days. Having those lazy days is what makes us human, and I’m not ashamed. I remember making excusing as to why I wasn’t doing something, and again there are days that I find myself doing that, but at least it isn’t the end of the world. In that end, I do keep pushing myself to do better, and find ways to grow, even in ways I never expected.

Even if the weight loss journey has established me in a community, it’s even more amazing how much it’s effected the rest of my life. I find losing the weight and having a better self-image, has lead me to being a better parent, and husband. It’s helped me better in my creative endeavors as well. That motivation has shown me what I’m capable of doing, and I want to see how far I can take it.

To those whom I am in communications with in the weight loss journey category, I want to say thank you for the words of encouragement. I’ve enjoyed watching you in your successes and I feel blessed to be able to add to your support system. Nobody should have to go through something like this by themselves. There should be nothing but support and encouragement, because it’s the fertilizer that helps with personal growth. It’s a shame we live in a world where more people want to be “trolls” and tear other people down.

On a final thought: live, love, and speak your truth. Don’t ever falter from who you are, because that’s the bravest thing anyone can do. With that, I’m the Director, and that’s a wrap.

2019 Con Walk

Wonder Con 2019; the time for nerding out and checking out all the cool things that the geek community has to offer. It’s the time of year, that dressing up doesn’t seem so strange, and being surrounded by so many like minded people is a beautiful thing. With that, it’s also the time of year that I get so many steps in. The step total came out to 133,795, which also breaks down to 59.09 miles. To be fair, we went down the day before the convention started, and left the day after it was over. At that though, holy shit that’s so much real estate traveled.

To be fair, the pace is casual as you peruse the different booths, and see what items they have to sell. Many of them items are nostalgic as they have toys from when the convention goer was a child. Personally, I’m always excited for The Masters of the Universe, and Star Wars toys that takes me back to my youth, when things seemed much more simpler. Then if there are panels that interest you, the option to sit in and listen to the topics being discussed gives you that chance to sit down and relax.

The food and drink options aren’t always ideal, especially for someone who has dietary limitations. Though the coffee is good, but the paper straws are kind of shitty. I found that we had issues finding Autumn food, since she’s a vegetarian and drinks for little Chris since he doesn’t drink soda, and water isn’t something he feels he can drink all day. I make the best of what I can, and mostly I don’t finish whatever I bought because it’s too much for me.

While this was a three-day event, the rest of the time was spent at the Disneyland parks. The biggest thing about going there was to feel how I fit in the various areas. The first one, was the turn styles; at my biggest, I would have to walk-in sideways and it would be a snug fit still. This time, I had so much space that all I had to do was walk forward. One thing that is good about Disney is that the rides have always been a bit more accommodating for the larger stature, and there was very few rides that I was unsure I would be secured safely on. Now, I don’t have to feel that way, and I went places I hadn’t been for a long time.

The downside to going to conventions and theme parks are the crowds, and that goes with depending on the day. We’ve been to these things on days that hardly anyone was there, and then we’ve been to them on days, usually Saturdays, where there’s barely any room to move. That can sometimes put a damper on the kind of activity you’re trying to do.

Another bonus to going to places like Disney and conventions is that it keeps the mind busy. I know that helps me get the stats that I’m trying to reach during the day, and the distraction doesn’t make it seem like work, and that’s a way to keep pushing forward.

Now, since losing all this weight, I’ve noticed that I don’t take as many breaks as I used too, and I don’t get winded. It was apparent that my hard charger type motivation didn’t sit well with at least one kid during the time. So, I defiantly need to keep that in mind the next time we do something like that. I pushed myself and I thought that was the important lesson of the trip. I also got to tell a group of people my story and I appreciate that they took the time and had the patience to listen to what I had to say.

Over all it was a good weekend, I got to spend it with my children, and enjoy the things that we love. I’m not a fan of the ailment that is called, “convention crud,” as it has seemed to take almost everyone in my household out for a bit. I did notice that after the long days, I was usually one of the first one’s out when we got back to the motel room. Waking up in the morning, I was recovered like a champ, which is something I’ve been doing since I’ve been working out regularly for the last year.

With that being said, what kind of conventions interest you? Did you realize that you could still hit your goals while being on a vacation? I know that I defiantly want to go to more cons in a year.

Everyone, have a good night and be good to each other, this is the Director, and that’s a wrap.