Here We Go Again

Here goes another year, as I find my guidance to make it through this crazy thing called life. To be honest, the last couple of years have been a bit of an adjustment. Let’s review what has gone on in the last few years, that have changed my perspective in life.

I guess we should start with the fact that I was fortunate to have been on the night shift during the first several months of the pandemic. I was only supposed to be on it for six months, but it ended up being eight-long-months. The months of March and April just seemed to be a four-month-stent each. Night shift provided me with not having to deal with anyone really.

I think night shift ended up being my saving grace a few times. In 2019 we had an earthquake that registered at 7.1. I didn’t have to deal with much that the day shift had too. It was nice that the last three years in my previous job, gave me a chance to deal with something other than the craziness of the day shift.

Thinking about the last few years, I saw loss, and not with just how a few of my friends had lost loved ones. I know through the pandemic, I had known several people whom had died do to Covid complications. It started hitting closer to home when I had heard that my former pastor’s wife passed from those complications. It hit even closer to home when my sister texted me about getting ahold of my brother because my mother had Covid, and after a few year stint in a health care facility, it was going to be her last days.

This event finally motivated me to travel back east and finally meet family that I grew up not knowing. I’m glad that I was able to get there, however, I was in the air between Detroit and Harrisburg when my mom finally passed. I was met at the airport by my niece’s mom, Jessica. I had an ongoing dialogue with this woman for years, and it was finally nice to meet in person. Jessica is by far one of the most giving and kindest people that I’ve ever known, and her daughters are just the best children outside of my own.

Being in Pennsylvania connected me to something. I can’t quite explain the experience, but I felt like some of my life story had been filled in, and I also know that something about that place calls me to spend more time there, perhaps this next part of my life’s journey. I have cousins that I’d like to get to know, however, I felt that way about spending more time with family here in California, which I became very disappointed with. Though I get along better with some of the more unexpected ones for sure.

Finding myself working after the trip left me wondering where my future would be, and it was early in December when a mutual friend of mine and my ex-wife reached out to me, and informed me that my ex had passed from Covid. I really didn’t know how to feel about this. People kept telling me that they were sorry for my loss. I find that getting those wishes was a bit strange. We hadn’t been together in over twenty-years. I think that my connection to her was the fact that we had become friends again. I felt bad for her as I had watched her struggle with stage four adrenal cancer.

Then the day after Christmas, I applied for a job that would take me on a new career path. I got a job as a media specialist, working for an archive center. I would learn to be more proficient with photoshop and help organize things in a way to make items easier to find. I hadn’t had an office type job since I had been a Realtor in 2007.

This was a blessing to get out of a high stress job, however, I also found myself struggling with not being in a job that was so demanding. Going from a four-day-ten-hour-shift job, to something that actually had a lunch, and a relaxed environment took some getting used too. I still love my job to this day.

I also found time to assist with coaching youth wrestling, working as a personal trainer, and taking various martial art, classes. I enjoyed it all, and yet there was something missing, and as 2021 would continue along I would find that stresses where starting to creep in and really impact my life.

In January 2019, my stepmom ended up falling off a ladder and suffering a cracked skull. This was a tough time in my life, and for the years surrounding this, I was taking time off of work due to sick family members. When summer of 2021 hit, my step mom had another head injury that left her in an out of town hospital for weeks. I think this was when things started to get worse for me, mentally.

I had stopped being really creative and I was feeling it, because creating is the outlet that I need. It saved me from one of the worst time periods in my life. My film stuff suffered, my blogging became minimal. In part because I didn’t know what to say. Worse, I didn’t know how to say what I was feeling. I was just trying to keep positive and sane. I thought that I had it all under control, yet my frustrations, and anger kept creeping in. It just kept getting worse.

2022 I found myself feeling ennui, and I lost myself. I did get back into being creative a little and we filmed, but I struggled being satisfied with it. I had fun doing those things that we filmed, but I needed something more. Getting filming with another became an issue that stopped from filming.

The highlight is that I started seeing a therapist again. It was hard to realize that I didn’t have things under control. To be honest, food as become my drug again and I don’t like how I physically feel. I don’t like how for the last several months, I’ve not been present around my family, but there’s a silver lining.

I had Covid for the second time around Thanksgiving time. It took me longer to actually recover fully from it, and physically I feel like I have to completely start over to get back into the shape I was. While starting again sucks, I’m determined to get all that motivation back and bounce back better than ever. I’m getting back into being creative so that will also help.

I’m the director and that’s a wrap.

Categories: Goals, Life, Weight Loss JourneyTags: , , , ,

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