Building a Better Me: The Battle

The goal: to improve yourself to “hopefully” improve the way you feel, and to positively affect those around you. Life goes well, and you’re feeling the difference, when things start to head in a different direction. A pandemic hits, then self realization starts to sink in and all of a sudden, you’re in a spot of wondering why? Why so I struggle with the decisions that I’m make? Why have the bad habits seem to sneak back into my life? What does it all mean?

Life is a struggle, and when something gets introduced in some unexpected ways, it takes time to process, and with that more questions come about. Then more of the puzzle from the past comes to start explaining why the “knee jerk” reactions happen the way they do. The scary part is realizing that some of those reactions are from fucked up things that happened to you because of the choices you made down in a distant past.I watched a video once that said that thinking of the past brings depression, and that kind of explains a few things.

Life still shows you the struggle and then you start to wonder about the unknown in the future. You want to better yourself, but making those hard choices, leaves you scared because of the unknown. You know that the current path is easier, even the safer choice. That video I mentioned about depression, also mentioned that anxiety is what happens when you dwell on the future. I guess that’s a case study for living in the present.

I often have found myself zoning out, thinking of other things, besides the present, and I guess that would explain some of the difficulties that I’ve had. Yet, how does one truly live in the present? Patanjali was quoted, Yoga takes you into the present moment, the only place where life exists. https://quotepark.com/quotes/2070613-patanjali-yoga-takes-you-into-the-present-moment-the-only-p/. I think that’s part of why I’m becoming such a fan of yoga. I went to study it for something different to put under my personal training belt, but it’s become so much more than just that for me.

Then you go off track, sometimes you just seem to lose or forget your reason for doing those things you chose to do. In all truth, sometimes, life just gets busy, and you lose focus. That’s when you need the gentle reminder that it’s okay to stumble sometimes. I think part of this comes down to not having the best time management in my personal life.

Work is kind of easy to keep track of all the tasks that need to be done. I multi-task like a son of a bitch at work, and it seems to push me to do better. Plus it keeps me from getting bored from the same desk sitting mundane tasks that happens everyday. That is my professional motivation.

So, where do I go from here? Am I stuck in a pattern of toxic cycles, feeling sorry for myself? I heard a friend say something to me at a birthday party the other night that got me thinking about where my mindset has been. He said that he didn’t know if I had still been practicing kickboxing and that got me thinking about how much I miss the martial arts. It’s never gone far away, I still watch videos for technique and I occasionally move around, but it’s not the same as hitting the bag every day. So, it’s motivating me back into working out.

I have found motivation to get back on the task at hand, to workout, get my steps. The down side is that getting started again is a task since parts of my body hurt. It’s not like the main muscles are sore, I’ve been working on those awhile, but it’s the smaller stabilizer muscles, and other muscles that seem to be much harder to stretch that are getting to me. Once the routine is back on, I’ll be unstoppable.

Now, I’ve been in a strange place with my writing. Blogging has become infrequent, script writing is kind of in the same boat, and I’m trying to get my project filmed, but things seem to be getting in the way of finishing. I know that I need to prioritize my time a bit better, and I think that will help. Even squeezing things in earlier during the day would help.

I had to leave coaching because it was getting in my way of being creative, and yet I really miss teaching. I know that I want to expand on my martial arts so that I can teach more things, and it was always fun watching the kids develop into better versions of themselves, and being better athletes because of it.

My new pledge is to get back into blogging and being creative, because it poison of distraction and procrastination is always present. While sorter then most of my blogs, I’m calling this a wrap.

Categories: Goals, Life, Weight Loss JourneyTags: , , ,

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