Building a Better Me? The Mixed Bag

I think I’m going to start out by saying that this blog here will probably be NSFW. The past several months I’ve been struggling with coming to terms with a few things, and quite frankly, I’ve been having emotions all over the place. That’s good though, right?

I’ve not been a person to be very in touch with my emotions over the last thirty-years. The first issue with that stems from the fact that I suffered a traumatic head injury at the age of thirteen. I had to relearn so much, even embarrassingly having to use the bathroom. I wasn’t sure how I should react to things. Through that experience, I had become a different person, and my parent’s say that I was a stark contrast to the person I was.

I was sensitive as a child, but I had become much harder after the accident. My parent’s would say that I became more callous. I can remember several times where this was proven true, and I feel that I would only mime those feelings that I should have shown during specific events in my life. This is how I spent my years in high school, telling my girlfriend’s that I loved them, but was that because I was trying to have sex with them? Maybe it was because that was the way I was supposed to feel, and I just never really associated the true feelings with it? I think that perhaps it was a bit of both.

As I set this information as a foundation, I’ve been finding myself trying to connect a bit more with people. I know that the transition of connection started after my weight loss surgery, but it’s gotten more so in the last few months. In part, the reason is that I’m trying to push my brands and get some exposure; in another part, I truly want to show support for people who are through the same experiences that I’ve gone through.

One reason is because the decision of having weight loss surgery and the aftermath isn’t easy. I don’t understand why it seems to be so controversial among family members. My family hasn’t been the problem, but I’ve had other’s share their own experiences with family members disapproving of that choice. It doesn’t seem like an easy answer when dealing with these family members as it adds to the drama that might already be going on mentally.

There’s plenty of psychological battles going on inside after the surgery. Changes with the relationship with food. After a time the realization that the skin will always hang loose, and that more surgery would be required to fix that, and often times it leaves scars that are even more unattractive.

Getting back to the point is that I’ve been slowly connecting with people and I’ve always been able to at the bare minimum fake sympathy. Yet lately, I’ve become overwhelmed with emotions as I find myself conflicted with where my life is, and with where my heart feels it wants to be. I’ve felt intense moments of love, and even more intense moments of sadness. This last weekend I went to a twenty-nine-year-old’s celebration of life, and I’ve known this girl since she was four.

It’s profound on how little time I spent with her, that she had impacted my life. She was, at the time, my girlfriend’s little sister. This small child with down-syndrome, who had the biggest smile in the world. Watching the slide show of her childhood, there were strong emotions on seeing this life so full of happiness, and love.

Then the level of stress has been a bit higher as current events have made life a bit more of a struggle. Inflation is up, and while I have a good job, it feels like I’m still eighteen, trying to make a living on minimum wage. It’s frustrating, but I love my job, and the opportunities that has been provided by it. I spent too many years working high-stress-jobs, and it’s just frustrating to feel like I need to get another job, to help support my family. I know that I’m not the only one feeling the stress, friends have shared similar experiences.

On top of this, I still have to realize that maybe I try to do too much at times. I was taking a class on Information Technology and I was progressing along, yet I realize that it wasn’t for me. So, I made the decision to continue to perfect the crafts and skills that I already have. I’m a storyteller, and I think I’ve always have been. That’s where I’m putting my full focus into. I’ve been able to share my stuff with several people in the past couple of months, and I’ve had nothing but positive feedback.

Something else that I’ve been struggling with is the fact that I don’t seem to relate to most of my friends anymore. I mean that I love them and we’ve formed bonds that would last a life time, however as I continue on, I feel like I’ve changed so much that it’s hard to relate to those who are/or where close to me. I will always appreciate them, but things just feel different. That’s what happens when shared experiences seems like a distant memory.

I supposed that is something humanly unique about experience; we can share in it, and have a different point of view on it. I’ve noticed that the journey I’ve been on has made me less vicious with my humor, and I feel better about it. I’m not the instigator that I once was, yet I’m still able to see it in my own children. The unfortunate part is that I still witness the bickering and fighting going on with the rest of my imitate family.

As I reflect on the last forty-three-years of my life. I feel that I’ve finally come to the place where I’m finally grown up. I’m facing the harsh realities that time is moving and the thoughts of immortality is a wish long gone. I see it in my parent’s generation as they’ve all finally started to look their age, and the health problems that comes along with people who, could have taken a bit better care of themselves. With this realization of growing up, my perspective on things that matter have changed, the value of life, and self-worth has also come into focus.

An even harsher realization is that I somewhat regret the focuses of my youth, I wish that I would have pursued some of my desires much sooner, and I wish that I would have been more present in life. I spent too many years looking out the eyes and being stuck in the body of a person I didn’t even know. This is the one point that seems to bother me the most. Yet, I’m trying to do better. I wonder how many other’s have this same experience? It’s one of those bitter pills that has to be swallowed down.

As we get older, does the thoughts of the end come more frequent? It’s not something I’m scared of, and it’s not something I’m ready for, but I do think about it. I think about how my children will fair in life, once I’m gone. Will I out live my loved ones? Who will be there in the end? What’s going to happen once I have to deal with the inevitable time where I finally do lose some of those closest to me? Will these intense emotions that I’ve been feeling, get worse?

This is the director and that’s a wrap….

Categories: Life, mental health, Weight Loss JourneyTags: , , , , , ,

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