Wow, what a ride, and 2017 was a crazy year that I completed school, shot my student film and had my weight loss surgery. This was the point in my life that I finally started to realize that I needed to build a better me, and losing the weight that had trapped me in a body that I didn’t feel was mine was a huge step.
I look back at the time before I lost weight, and I see the pictures of myself. It’s crazy to see that person that lived in that body, it’s like it wasn’t even me. I had years of feeling that I wasn’t in my own body. I felt that I was trapped in someone else’s body. It’s a strange feeling, almost surreal.
I almost wonder if a lot of feeling trapped during that dark period of 2013 was partially caused by this? It’s something I’ll have to contemplate at a later time. So, over the years between 2014-2017 I had found myself making changes, investing in myself for once. There were so many things that I didn’t like about how I was, but I was determined to be better, and one of the biggest things I had to do was stop speaking negatively about others, and even myself. I’ve always had a way with self deprecation and maybe I was doing more damage to myself than I realized.
It’s funny how you can look back and realize that kids being kids, and the words that aren’t supposed to hurt, actually affect you through out your life. Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Remember that? What a crock of shit that turned out to be. My cushion had be the fat and weight that surrounded me, I felt like that was supposed to protect me, but how does that negativity that surround my body, and kept me feeling trapped, actually protect me? How little did I know that the choices that I made would change my outlook in life.
The worst part of the bullying and the words are that that little voice inside my head tends to decide to echo those words to me on a regular basis. This is where my depression and insecurities tend to come from.
I hadn’t touched this blog in a few months. I’m sorry.
The hard part is getting those voices of the childhood bullies out of my head. Even today I still find that I doubt things and often times feel like I need some reassurance that I’m of value. It’s something I’ve been working on, and I think I’m getting the hang of it. Does it ever go away? Does those insecurities ever completely leave us behind? All I know is that I try to be better than what I was. I’m constantly trying to be something better. I think that’s part of the reason I chose to stay busy is because I don’t have to deal with things while doing something else. I honestly wonder if that’s a reason that so many people are so glued to the latest distraction: i.e. newspapers, television, social media, cellphones? Is this the evolution that keeps people from dealing with shit in the real world?
I’ve come to the point where I realize that change is constant, we are always evolving, and I know that people are uncomfortable with change. Maybe that’s part of the secret to the distraction? Not having to deal with change?
I hadn’t touched this for a few more weeks.
I tend to do too much, and with that I’ve been stumped creatively. I wish that it was easy to finish blogging, but there are times that I just can’t seem to find the words… I’m gonna stop this one here as I’ve got something else on my mind. This is the director and that’s a wrap.