#Building a Better Me part 3

A bit of a recap, part one and two were about how I compensated, in school with depression and loneliness. While also figuring my acting skills to build upon a lie to that helped build my confidence. I failed to mention that during this time, I had three separate attempts at committing suicide. So, a lesson that can be picked out from this is that I’m a survivor, and that I’m glad that I made it as far as I have.

Now, my family and I decide to move back to California, to my parents hometown. On the way I thought that this would be a good way to get a fresh start, and I decided that I was going to just be myself, and not lie to make me something that I wasn’t. At this time, I had made the choice to take a year off of school, and just work and live my life has an adult. We moved here, I got a hair cut, and pierced my ear. I do recall that my parents, weren’t exactly happy with that.

With this new phase in my life, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, I started going to church with family, made friends, dating some pretty great people. Some I hurt, other’s hurt me, but that’s life. Work life was interesting because I would meet the sister of my first wife when I was working at McDonalds.

After my first year, the ego thought that we were doing well enough and I enrolled in college. This would be the introduction to theater life. One of those things that I was adept at was taking criticism and learning to be a better performer because of it. I had learned somewhere that criticism was meant to make you better, and not necessarily to break you down. I had fellow actors who viewed that as an attack on their acting abilities. Ego really gets in the way sometimes.

So, how does this really go with building a better me? Well, outside of being an authentic me, I don’t think I was ready to become someone who was self-aware of my behavior. Dating had led to marriage, heartbreak, and finding love again. It was during this time that life would take some interesting turns.

I want to say that dating Mariah had been an experience. I loved her, yet we would fight, and I had an affair the summer before we got married. If you would have asked me at that time, why I did it? I would have said that I wanted to be sure that I loved her. As I looked back, I was looked at by someone who found me attractive, and I needed the validation at the time. Why would I tell her about this? It’s because for once in my life, I actually felt bad about doing a douche move like that.

What happened after put the red flags up that I think kept me in the relationship long after it should have ended. I was scared, and what’s worse I wasn’t sure what she would do, or what she could do. After breaking her heart, she handed me a letter, it was completely written in her blood. My ego was scared for my life, but we worked on it, and made things work. Big red flags! What possessed me to marry her? Again, I was in love, yet I hated her father, and he felt the same way back.

Decisions that I had made at this time, had hurt some good people, Sarah was one who got hurt, and I never thought I would be able to make things up to her for it. Maybe, I’ll be a decent person yet?

On the day of mine and Mariah’s marriage, was going to the best day of our lives. It was a good day, kind of awkward trying to get her stuff to blend in with my stuff. It was the next day that I should have stopped everything. She had become something totally different over night, like going from the woman I had known for two-years, to someone I had never met. What? How?

It was an act, it was a way for her and her mother to get her out of her parents house. It was about control, I couldn’t talk to my friends from out of state, in particular, the females. Crazy, isn’t it? Oh, and I couldn’t watch professional wrestling anymore because the female wrestler’s were prettier than her.

I’m sure someone is thinking that this was karma for some of the shitty things I had done in my life? The emotional torture that would come up as from time-to-time she would tell me that we were pregnant, just so that at a time later, she had miscarried. God damnit Chris, what’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you leave? I was in love, and for some reason, I was trying everything that I could to work it out.

Turns out that this story ended up more about control through manipulation. I wasn’t innocent, I mean things turned verbally abusive, and in turn things got thrown around. I was hot headed and stubborn anyway. It was bad, as I was working at Walmart, and she would call just to check up on me, or at least that’s my interpretation of it now. I would have to leave work on several occasions and take her to the ER, some for legitimate reasons, others, because I think she was a bit of a hypochondriac. I know that she didn’t have the best of upbringings. This was from what I observed.

I did try to make things better because after I had left Walmart, I had gotten a telecommunications job. I was making really good money, and I thought things would get better. However, like most stories with any sense of structure, we were getting to the climatic finally of this story. The job was good, yet it took me out of town. I had to take a few trips out of state, like Washington, and while being stuck in traffic in Oregon, I called Mariah to check in and she told me that she was pregnant. Something inside of me was different this time as my response was more of a unenthusiastic oh. I let her go, and went off to finish our trip to Washington for a few day work order up there.

One night while I was on the phone with my bride, she had told me that she miscarried, something about the way I felt was an unenthusiastic oh, sorry about that. I just didn’t seem to have it in me anymore to care.

After I got home, I had found that she had moved out. Cool, means that I could move on with my life, right? I was broken, and anytime we would meet, and try to talk, it ended up with us fighting. All until one day I got a restraining order. I was mad and couldn’t understand why this was happening. Yet after that day, she would call me everyday and say that we would still be together and that it was just her father’s idea. It was redeculouls with the accusations and when we went to separate at court, the judge laughed. Yet that was it, things were finally over.

During this time, Sarah and I just happened to have a chance encounter at the grocery store. She was shocked, because I had a Britney moment where I had shaved my head. I did it before her by-the-way, but it was the way I could start to make-up for being a jerk.

Stay tuned as I come to talk about the transition from being broken, to start healing and becoming a father. There’s still more to a decline of myself, and some improvements along the way. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Categories: Life, mental healthTags: , , , , , ,

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