As this is the first blog of the year, I’m thinking that focusing on this where I can improve, and what I have improved on is going to be a good place to start. So, with that being said, why build a better me? Why should anyone care, and why should anybody want to build a better version of themselves? My answer to that becomes a bit more focused on the fact that people never stop growing, evolving. This is a great reason to start working on the better version on yourself.
This comes down to a series of difficult tasks that most people have problems doing. Hell, the steps I took, were hard, and often times even more difficult to accept. First off, self awareness and evaluation take front and center. To be able to grasp taking that hard look at yourself, you’ve got to be able to let ego go. This is so much harder to do than just saying that it can be done. It’s like having to see yourself as the world see you, and not the disillusioned version that we all tend to think of ourselves. Truth is, it sucks.
When you peel away the ego and get that hard look at yourself, you might not like what you see. I know that I didn’t. Realizing that my ego was over compensating for the fact that I wasn’t the great guy I thought I was, that hurt. What was worse, finding out that I was a bit shitty to people as well, and I hurt good people in the process. How do we get through this? How do we accept the new reality?
Maybe we should start with, why? Why did we get to this point in life? How did this sweet child end up being close to egotistical?
I think the first thing is to admit that we are fragile. Male, female, non-binary, we all have something inside of us that makes us fragile. I remember being a sensitive child who’s feelings got hurt constantly by the children I was surrounded by for five days a week. Even as I was little, I felt like I needed to be able to do anything just as well, if not better than everyone else. Often times that would end up causing more issues and blow up in my face, than not.
The feeling of wanting to belong and fit in, I think might have been part of what caused me to feel that way. I tried for years to do whatever I could to become part of the popular crowd. It’s only natural to want to fit in. It’s a survival tool, not wanting to be focused on as the object of bullying.
I should also point out that even talking about this makes me hypocritical because I too had found people that I thought was less than me, and I bullied them as well. The sad part is, that hindsight is the worst superpower in the world, and at that time of my own life, I don’t think I really thought anything about it. Picking on lessers was part of the natural order after all.
So, I go about life as a kid not accepting the responsibilities that were in my life, and that my issues were caused by something else. Though the loneliness also caused me to want to die. Don’t get me wrong, I did have friends, and I wasn’t a complete asshole to everyone, but I did have some of those days. Just like watching my own kids, I remember fighting with friends and telling each other about how much we hated their guts. I also remember being back to being friends not that long later.
As I got older, things seemed to get better, the loneliness stuck around, even when I was with a group of friends. The girls I liked, weren’t usually interested, and I tried so hard to be cool. I had a friend in junior high tell me that I needed to stop trying so hard, because I was already cool. Ego didn’t want to hear any part of that conversation. I didn’t seem to have the feeling of being cool or popular. Though after my accident, I learned that I wasn’t as unpopular as I thought. Though, that didn’t stick in my mind.
I just want to point out that as I’ve mentioned in other blogs, my mind has always been my worst enemy.
It was after my accident that I got to dance with a girl for the first time. I initially rejected her, because she wasn’t the girl I really wanted to dance with. Yet, we ended up dancing together at several dances, and she’s a wonderful person. Then I got to dance with the girl, the one I wanted to be with so badly. We had a few dances, and she has been a good friend of mine ever since. Yet, somewhere in that brain of mine, I still didn’t think I was ever good enough.
I’ll finish that story in my next blog, but I want to analyze somethings. Being self-involved, I didn’t see the kinds of struggles that others go through. In particular that popular girls that I totally crushed on. I didn’t look at what kind of value I brought anybody, I just felt that if I was better at things, if I was better looking, if I was just more, then maybe someone would let me know that I was worth something. As I sit here now, I don’t think that thought process would have changed, even if it hit me in the face like a baseball bat.
As I look back, most of it was trivial and I should have be able to handle things better. Thinking about how kids yell at us, telling us that we don’t understand, we do. I just think that sometimes we don’t think that those issues are a big deal, especially at that time in their lives. That’s an aspect that I sometimes forget about, as I brush of the child because I’m busy doing something. I think this is something every generation deals with. Not that it’s really that much different, but kids today do seem like they are more self aware than we were at that age.
Stay tuned as I write a part too, and also be on the look out as I’m going to be doing a new podcast on the whole concept of building a better me. This is the director and that’s a wrap.