The Feeling of Failure

I went in for another check-up this weekend with West Medical. It’s been two-years and two months since I went through this whole process. I went in and had a gain of six-pounds. That was just from the last check-up last month. I can probably make as many excuses on why that was. One being that they had just moved and probably hadn’t calibrated the scale, two, maybe because I’ve been having issues with my bowls. Yet, I’m not going to make those excuses.

I know that I’m not going to hit a home run every single time that I go in, and being stuck in the same area since May of last year has been frustrating. Plus, I’ve been going to get togethers over the last several weekends and I haven’t kept myself in check with the eating. On top of that this week just wasn’t the best week to get my workouts in.

This was my second week on the nightshift, and it felt a bit more difficult to be adjusted too than the first week. Again, I’m not making excuses, I just know that I need to work harder and stay more consistent with what I’m doing. Hell, my streak for 10,000 plus steps a day finally came to an end as of Sunday. I wasn’t feeling it, and honestly I felt like it was a day to kind of throw myself a bit of a pity party.

It made for a slightly depressed weekend for me, and I know that I’m better than that. I had a brief moment of wanting to give it all up. After working hard for the last two years, I felt it. I’ve been feeling a bit on the fat side lately too, and it hasn’t helped my case at all. As of the Super Bowl, I did get a little carried away on the food again. I didn’t gorge myself like I would have in the past, but I also realize that when I get a bit over full, I become really tired, and that’s not a good sign.

I didn’t do an update picture, or announcement because I’m ashamed that I let myself get carried away. I’ve had a period of weakness, but I’m not done with this journey by a long shot. I am trying to find that determination to pick myself back up and continue on this path which has made me far more happier than I thought I would be.

Like all journeys, we struggle along the way. I find myself in doubt often. With that has come a lot of self-realization. I realize that there’s a lot of phycological baggage that seems to want to weigh me down as I go through this. I also realize that I’m stronger than I think I am. I need to find that balance and get that resolve back.

I look back at all the things that I’ve done, and I see where I am in relation to what I started at. I like pushing myself, I like that feeling that I get after a good workout. I’m liking the way my body looks more and more. I just don’t like the days were I feel fat and unattractive.

That’s something that I find different, is the fact that I actually don’t think I’m ugly like I used to be. Years of negative talk had kept me down. Even when I try to make others feel better about themselves. I think I would be that way to mask the fact that I didn’t like myself so much.

I actually did a podcast on relationships on Saturday night https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA. If you’ve never heard one of my podcasts, please listen. I’d appreciate feedback on the subject of how relationships are never truly equal, and relationships with ourselves change like that too. I notice that once I actually took the time to start investing in myself, that I started liking myself so much more than I had.

Why is it that it seems like we are our own biggest critic? We are our own worst enemy about most decisions in life? I have been surrounded by negative energy my whole life, while I’ve been loved and had positive things as well. It’s the negative that always seems to stick out to me. Is this a way that the mind gets programmed to hove the thoughts that we do? Society isn’t kind to us in that respect, and it’s a shame that we don’t seem to want to treat each other better as a whole.

As I write this, I’m finding something inside of me that wants to keep pushing forward. I’ve got so much that I want to do, and I know that there are things that are preventing me from my utmost potential, for an example, I sprained my ankle a while back and was trying to take it easy, but as I felt that I could work it again, it would pop, and hurt. This was up until one of my last training sessions. Yet, I’m going to get on this and get past my negative, and self-sabotage. I will win, because in the end I don’t have any other option.

It’s funny how much more I feel that I take on for myself, partly it’s because it’s a distraction from being this ball of depression. I get to a point that concentrating on just a few things has gotten me to seem like I have to squeeze other essential parts in between those tasks that I’m already doing.

I have to take care of family, which I would never deny, self-care, and get my creative endeavors going. It sometimes feels like it can be a bit overwhelming, and I know that I do this to myself. It’s gotten better as I used to start things and never get around to completing them. Now, if it’s something I really want to work on, I write it down. Then I’ll see something and it just adds to me adding more projects, and stories. My walking everyday, my working out, is the moment that I work on my temple and spend time in my spiritual world.

I had a hard time actually wanting to write this blog, because I love talking about the good things going on with my weight loss journey. Though I would be be phony if I didn’t talk about the bumps in the road. As I look back at what the CK Project  is, I see how things have changed. I see that it went from just about weight loss, then to mental health, to a hodgepodge of both of those worlds.

This blog has helped me in so many ways as  therapy, and there have been times that things had been going so good, that I had no idea what I was going to write. For those who do follow and read, from the bottom of my heart, I do appreciate you. Sarah, I know that you, as my wife are usually one of those who read them first, as you follow, like and support everything I do. Keep staying with me through this I appreciate it, and I hope you find enlightenment from it. If you have any questions, statements, or whatever, please feel free to reach me at ckproject@zohomail.com. Any interaction is good, and it keeps me wanting to do more, and try to be the tool that will help guide people in their troubled times.

Good or bad, I will keep telling my story, and I’m going to do my best not to be something that I’m not. This is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please, like and subscribe.

 

 

Categories: Weight Loss JourneyTags: , , , , ,

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