If there’s anything that I’ve really given thought to lately, it’s mortality. Over the last week, I’ve known three people to have passed beyond the living. One was an older gentleman, who it wasn’t too surprising, yet knowing him put is passing into my mind. His passing didn’t really bother me, yet the other two, that’s where my thoughts have been affected.
The second person who died was a long time friend, she was killed in a car accident. Yeah, I know that happens, but being someone I knew that carried with me. Now, I just found out that someone else I knew passed. She was around my age as well, and I don’t know the details, but it has gotten me thinking about life, and death.
As I was growing up, I always heard that death happened in threes. Celebrities would tend to die in that particular grouping. I don’t ever recall it happening to people that I knew personally. So, what if death really does come in threes and not just coincidence? What if this is some divine plan of God’s? Is this his way of culling the populace?
I’ve never felt so mortal in my whole life. I mean, even being suicidal, at least I knew that it would happen on my terms. I think those where the terms that I could accept, but now I’m wondering who else could be taken away from my life? Have my life choices given me the extended time that I’ve been looking for, since taking the weight loss journey?
I’ve had times where I’ve feared that depression would take those I do love away from me. My children have been the biggest part of that fear. I love them with all my heart and would be lost without them. At the same time, I’ve seen the devastation of what loosing a child can do to a parent. I’ve seen them lost, confused, and even regretful. I think this is the hardest part to accept. Regret.
Too many times, we as people take for granted the lives that are around us. Too many times I think we tend to stay in our own little worlds…until something is finally taken away. This thought scares me, more than any other that has recently come to mind.
I know that my life’s direction has taken a drastic turn, and that I’m more focused on the things that I’m doing. I try to show people that I do care, and that if needed they have my full support. I know that I’m trying to get my life’s dream going, and I battle with that on a constant basis as well.
Mentally I’m good enough to know that I don’t want to end my life, and I’m more confident than I have ever been. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have my days were I feel fat, insecure, and the biggest part frustrated. That’s the one thing that I’ve been dealing with a lot, frustration.
My wife is sick with Crohn’s Disease, and watching her suffer the pain that she does is frustrating. Knowing that I can’t really do anything to help her deal with it is hard. Wondering if this is the thing that is going to end her life-these are things that I don’t know. All I can do is be the best husband that I can be and show her that I support her no matter what.
It’s not always easy, as I watch her struggle to move. I see that she gets more irritable than she used to, and that gets distributed in different directions. I see that it’s caused her to suffer from depression, and I sometimes wonder if she’s going to be strong enough to get through this. This is her first full-year of having suffered from Crohn’s.
I know that my wife can survive this, she’s the strongest woman that I know. After all, she has stuck with me for close to twenty-years. I’m not the easiest to life with, especially when I’ve gone through my own dark times. She can survive this, it’s just getting everything figured out so that her pain is managed more easily. Maybe this is what makes it that much more aggravating, the time it takes to get everything figured out.
Still going back to the original point is that two people have passed, and they were both younger than me. It really got me thinking to how short our lives can be. I feel better than I did, when I was in high school, and yet everything can be taken away in an instant. Every hug and kiss could go away. Every joyful moment, every breathe. It’s a scary thought, and I hope that we can take better care of ourselves and each other.
This is the director, and that’s a wrap.