With everything that’s been going on with me personally, insomnia seems to be something that has been re-occuring for about the last month or so. I’m not sure if this had to do with the hard winds that are blowing outside, or the unpleasant dream that my father had died. Hell, maybe my creativeness is wanting to be let out…..
I liked how as I went to bed last night, that I had finally came up with a better name for my Geek on Geek project(which will be revealed soon enough). I was gonna wait until morning to write it down as it was, but I decided that I’d better write it down before I forgot it. That’s how things used to be for me though, I would come up with something that I thought was awesome, like a song, or an idea, and I would keep it in my head for months and never write it down. However, since this is the livelihood, that I’m trying to make a career out of, I can’t take those chances anymore.
Usually when I have depression, that’s when insomnia seems to kick my ass the most, but outside of a few short bouts of it because of my surgery and my body changing, I’ve not really anything to be depressed about. Sure, I know that I had to have my dog put down last week, but I was already prepared for that, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before that happened. My life style is forever changed, I’ve had moments where after I ate, I had that moment of feeling depressed, but I’m liking where my body is going and even just after a week and a half, I’m starting to feel comfortable in my body again.
I think the thought of my father dying is what’s weighing on my mind. He’s not dead, thank God, but that’s something that is a concern as he’s getting older, and he’s not treated his body right. I’ve watched the man slowly fall apart over the last couple of years, and I’m not sure how I’ll handle his eventual expiration. I’ve been fortunate that I’ve never lost anyone close to me, besides maybe pets, but my circle hasn’t ever been penetrated like that. I worry about those whom are close to me that have the same struggles with mental health as I do, and if there was a loss there, I know that I would be devastated.
There are days that I feel that I’ve failed as a father, and as a son, but I try to show my family that I do love them and I’m trying my best either way. I think that’s why I survived the melt down like I did. I wasn’t going to let those negative thoughts, and my feelings define the person that I was, because in the end…I wanted to be better than I was. I hated feeling like a piece of shit, all day every day. Especially since I knew that I had more to offer than just being a verbal punching bag to the people around me. I took that suicidal moment, and learned to make it my armor.
When you spend most of your life looking and serving inwardly there are many miss opportunities that happen in life. I don’t remember how, or when it happened, but being the person who wants to safe a life is the best thing ever. This is true when that test comes in front of you and you have the chance to change someone from making that mistake that has gone through your own head dozens of times. There’s a feeling of being able to do something meaningful in life.
That’s the purpose of the CK Project, to help inspire and motivate. When I originally started it six years ago, I was hoping to help change lives, and get people inspired to become more healthy. Then, I had my melt down at work and depression took over. Now that I’m a filmmaker, and a networker, I’m finding new ways to bring the message to people and I’ve talk to people about my weight loss journey, and it’s getting people motivated to lose their extra pounds. If I can do it, anybody else should be able to as well. I just had to take a more extreme route to get to where I need to go.
So, with a week and a half out from removing most of my stomach, I’m very much excited for where my life is going. Things have been moving forward for a while now, even with a few bumps in the road. I just keep moving forward. The pain is over all gone, and my stomach isn’t in the way of everything anymore. This journey has a long road to go, and I’m prepared to follow that road until the end, because I want to live. I want those who struggle to also live, because many people I know who’ve gone through the same struggles as I have, are some of the most beautiful people that I know. If by my helping just a few people ended up being my legacy in life, then I guess that’s not such a bad thing.
God, I know that this blog seems to go a bit everywhere this morning, but all considering….it’s helping me out this morning. I’m finding myself in a very zen place in life. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m getting older, or if I’ve just let the drama go, but the last few months, I’ve really found myself at an amazing place spiritually. Yes, there have been a few shit days here and there, but over all, my vibe has been positive. I think the only thing I haven’t had much patience for is incompetence, but that’s a story left for another time.
This is the director and that’s a wrap?