Normally, I try to keep things positive, sometimes serious, most of the time I try to bring the humor, but I’ve had things weighing heavy on me as of late. With that some thoughts that haven’t been so good, have been crossing my mind, so I think that I want to get these thoughts out, and let you decide.
Nobody is perfect, except one man, Jesus Christ. I know not everyone believes in him, and I can respect that, but he also brings a beacon of hope to so many people in this world. The scriptures talk about angels and demons at least a couple of times, so that’s where the lead off comes in….
Demon’s come in many shapes and sizes. Maybe an unhealthy addiction to food, I’ve been there…several times over. I’ve used food to cope with my feelings of inadequacy. I’ve used it to drown my depression. I’ve gained so much weight because of certain events that have gone on in my life, but I realize that food isn’t the answer. I’m trapped in several sizes too big, and that’s my fault. I don’t body shame anyone, because I know what it’s like to be teased about being over weight, Yes, I’ve gotten the side eye in judgement as well. No, you’re not cleaver, and yes making comments about being fat makes you an asshole, but there are some with genuine concern in their voice. The first time weight was a real issue of concern was in 2011. I got bit by a bug at work, and I went to get it checked. I was around 394 lbs at the time.
I did really well getting the weight off, I joined Weight Watchers and I was working out several times a week. By the time I was done, I had lost 56 lbs. Man I was so proud of myself, I felt better, I looked better, and I moved better. They say exercise helps relieve stress, and I’m not sure if that was what was going on. I slept better, but it didn’t stop my depression from causing a melt down at work. I ended up taking 17 months off of work because of it. I didn’t want to deal with the world…food comforted me, and I gained all that weight and then some back. My therapist stated that he thought that my weight gain might have been a form of me trying to slowly kill myself. He was right, I wasn’t dealing with things in the proper light. I was making preparations of a life outside of the job I was suspended from, and I didn’t expect to go back….
I started working out this week, as I’m trying to gain my life back, and I will…just slower than before. I’ve got a bright future ahead of me and I can’t wait to reach that point.
Back to the subjects of demons, I’ve seen alcohol ruin a young person’s life. I’ve seen drugs ruin someone’s life. I’m blessed to have never had to deal with these myself, but I’ve family that has. I hope that the have or can find the help they need to over come that.
One of the demons that I’ve been dealing with is anger, I’ve gone a bit over board with it a few times, and I can’t take back the hurt it has done, but I’m working on it, because it needs to go away. It peaked with my ex and her father. I was so angry for so long that I was a ball of rage for the longest time. The worst part is that we tend to say the mean and nasty things when we are angriest. Some times, they may be more true than one would want to admit, the hurt remains, and I see the scars in the people who I’ve personally hurt.
I’ve been on both sides of the wall for various demons, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m cautious about judging anyone about whatever might have gone on. So, I think that everyone should hear the whole story before condemning someone. I know that I’ve been on the wrong side of accusations before. Just some food for thought.
This is the Director, and that’s a wrap.