Something About The Old School

It’s nice when I can get some solitude away from technology, and just think. Most days, my life seems to remind around my phone, or computer, but it’s nice when I can take a moment away and let my thoughts flow freely.

I think that society gets to wrapped up in their own “world” though the connection of being tired to their phones, and there ends up being a newly founded disconnect with inner personal interaction. I also see the irony because I’m typing this on my phone.

Yet, we’re in an age of being connected everywhere and anywhere all at once. People can choose to be a facade of something they want to be, and feel they can say whatever they choose with no real physical repercussions.

This is where the balance takes place. The connection can be used for good, or evil. I find it refreshing that the blogs I choose to follow are more about being themselves and uplifting others. As I’ve been one who embarked on this journey four years ago, I find a better feeling inside myself when I can uplift and help others be positive.

Now on the other side, I’ve seen an ugliness among the various sites on social media. The nastiness usually comes from topics like politics and religion, all the way to sexual orientation and race.

Sometimes, I wonder if it’s because some people like to “troll” on the internet, but there’s so much negativity that goes on my feed daily. It saddens me to think that some of these people are that narrow minded and can’t open themselves up to other view points.

I’m all for the healthy debate of differing opinions, and I think it’s a great tool to grow as a thinker seems society. There is much too be learned from a good debate, even if it’s learning something about yourself in the process.

Alas, I’ll read a particularly passionate debate about our government, both locally and nationally, and see the varying points of view, just to see it become a school yard slam fest.

The arguments are usually stated with “where are your facts to support it”? Which is a good base to get the discussion going, and then the “morons”, and “idiots” tend to turn the discussions into a “witch hunt”.

I personally disagree with this behavior, especially towards people with mental health issues. Too many times I’ve observed people wanting to disappear in response to this “trolling” and/ or go on the defensive. I’m sure there are those who go unaware of the impact their words, but I knows there are others who really lack apathy.

In the end, I think unplugging from technology from time to time is a good idea, especially for one’s own mental health. Please remember to treat each other with a little more respect and kindness, because you never know how those actions can affect someone. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Life With Unmotivated Words

So, seventeen days have passed since my last blog. Motivation has mostly eluded me as I’ve been dealing with life’s issues of varying degrees. I know that I need to get myself in the right mind set, and I’m putting myself back on track today.

It’s funny because I set my goal to get back on the right path on Friday and I’m sticking to that commitment. Time to kick even more ass as I head closer to my one year anniversary of my surgery.

Before I continue, I find it funny how the levels of motivation seem to change. While life had been going on, my writing has fallen behind, but my weight loss journey has been moving forward really well.  I’m shrugging it off and am putting more dedication to the other aspects of my life. I need those outlets to help me keep myself more sane.

Today I ended up staying home and helping the wife out with her recovery from the procedure she had yesterday. That meant that I had to take the kid, who wasn’t sick, to school today. I feel good that I was able to get in my personal training session. It was good to get some time and focus on my journey to better help. It’s one of the things that I require in my life to find a balance. Which is something else that I find kind of funny that I’ve become dependent on things to help me keep peace in my soul.

I finally started on my slasher script, and while I had a few pages on paper, I’m eager to see where I take this story. I’m taking my time to write it, because I want this to be the best writing I’ve done so far, even if that’s the way I feel about every piece I write. The creative process has been a saving grace of mine for the last several years, and I’m discovering that I shouldn’t put it off. Every time I do, I feel a bit off, though, working out is also part of it as well.

I’ve been getting colder as the days get shorter, I guess that’s part of where the weight loss has been negative, but fitting in a 2x shirt has made things well worth the journey so far. Although the hanging skin is something that I want to go away at some point. Though  the things I can do with it does make people laugh. I’ll be ready to get rid of the wizard sleeves after my journey changes from losing to maintaining.

I was able to see my friend at The Great Western War. She recently had the surgery and was looking great. She told me that everyone had been telling her how much her attitude had changed. She said that she didn’t realize how much happier she was. I was telling her that I agreed, that I noticed that having the surgery changed me like that as well.

It’s funny how much the mind, and body really align with each other. When one is off, so is the other usually. That’s where over compensation tends to come in. For me it was putting on the ego, and having the over the top personality. While the ego’s fading away with real confidence, I don’t think my personality has changed. Though I do feel like I’m quieter over all. I take more time to speak and not let my emotions get the best of me anymore, or at least I try not too.

I’m the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

Hitting A Bump In The Road

Today has been a day for many things. The first of such is my eighteenth year with my wife. Eighteen years ago we went out on our first date, and we’ve been together ever since. Today was also my weigh-in day, and I came in at 293.7. I hit a plateau and I felt really discouraged today.

It’s frustrating because I’ve been getting my steps in, as in I’m getting in 10,000 plus steps most days for the last few weeks, and I’ve been trying to get running in. I’m doing pretty good when I run, and I’m trying to get somewhere with work, so I’m trying to pass my physical test so that I can get a promotion at work.

I know that I’ll eventually pass this plateau, but it’s discouraging that after nine months, that I finally hit this mark. Yes, I’m aware that it happens to everyone, just not the greatest news. I might have to just ride this temporary stop on the journey. I’ll just have to keep going and not get discouraged enough to want to stop. Over all, I feel great, and I like when I work out. I’m just not sure if I should do a pouch reset or not yet.

Also, today is my eighteenth anniversary from my first date with my wife Sarah. I guess that means our relationship can vote now. For most of our relationship, we’ve been the youngest couple, but we’ve also seemed like the couple that been married the longest. It’s amazing how people have looked to us for advice in being married.

Every year, when something like this comes up, I never fail to mention that we’ve had our ups and downs. That’s no different than any other couple, and if somebody told you different, I’m sure they’re just trying to sell you something. The single biggest thing I think I’ve learned is that it gets easier the longer we’re together. Communication is key, and I’m going to repeat, and underline that. Communication is key!!!

I’ve observed that some of the couples I’ve known have split, and I’ve also noticed that lack of communication was the biggest part of that. If you want to succeed, please learn to communicate with your partner. The lack of communication was what almost brought  the down fall of my relationship. Once we were being more honest about our feelings, it helped us overcome some of the bigger issues that plagued our relationship.

The last five years have been an incredible journey with so much growth for myself, that I’ve find myself far humbled than I had ever been before. Now I find another challenge in front of me as we are dealing with Sarah having health problems. I find it difficult to have the words to say or reactions needed to comfort her as she’s started to develop depression.

It’s one thing when I’ve been dealing with it my whole life, but it’s another level when you have to start dealing with it as you get older. There’s frustration, confusion, and fear because you don’t get why these things are happening. I suppose that I could say that things will get better, but until things are answered about what is wrong, I can’t say that honestly, because there’s too many unknowns. The only thing I can guarantee is that I’m here to support her no matter what. I think that helps. but I haven’t been feeling very helpful towards her lately.

Trying is the best anybody can do. I can understand why people might turn away during these trying times. It’s a fear of losing those we love, and not wanting to have that level of grief in our lives. Yet, it isn’t far to those who are physically suffering from those ailments, and honestly, it’s a dick move.

This is just another challenge in the life we live and it won’t break us. I won’t allow it to break me, especially since I’ve come so far, and even if things haven’t taken off the way I would like them too, I’m not going to let things bring me down. There are better things coming in the future and I can’t wait to see where this journey and growth takes me.

Happy anniversary to my beautiful wife, as we’ll spend as many days as this life will give us. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

 

 

Did You Lose A Person?

I’m down 131 lbs so far. That’s a person! I’ve lost a person, and it feels good. As I sit here and contemplate the dozen possibilities that are coming my way, I realize that I have a test tomorrow morning.

I’m coming up on a physical agility test. I have to do nineteen push ups, and a mile and a half in seventeen and a half minutes. I still think like a fat person and don’t think that I ven accomplish either of those tasks. Could I though? Honestly, I have no idea. Every other time I’ve tried, I could walk a mile at the most, so I’m still not sure what I can do.

I did however get a chance to go for a walk yesterday, and I did a bit of running. My problem there is that it feels like I’m going to lose my shorts. With everything in my pockets, running streets to tug my shorts down. That’s no master how tight I try to tie the draw string.

So tomorrow’s the time to see what I can do. If I don’t pass, I’m not going to be too heart broken. At least I will have tried. No matter, tomorrow should show an improvement, and I’ll take that as a win.

#ITSOKAYNOTTOBEOKAY

     Disclaimer: Due to technical difficulties with internet and the real world, I’ve been away, and I’m back for more….

     As with most of my blogs as of late, I usually start off by talking about my weight loss journey, but being away for the amount of time I have, something has struck me with inspiration, and pulls me in a direction that I normally only touch upon. Not today! Today I want to talk about #itsokaynottobeokay.

A few weeks ago I was on Facebook, looking at the many posts and memes that get shared, when I happened to see a post about being there for others with the hashtag its okay not to be okay. As many of you who do actually read my blogs, know what The CK Project is all about. Some have been with me from the beginning, way back in 2011, when it was just about motivation for better physical health, but its since evolved into more than just the physical, but has incorporated the mental health as well.

It’s funny how things seem to go full circle, then brings attention to the real reasons that I started blogging. I’ve been witness to some friends of mine being in the dark places, and I want to let them know that “it’s okay not to be okay”, but to remind them that better times are always around the corner.  Being someone who’s been in the mindset of suicide on more than one occasion, I want to remind my friends, my readers, that I know it’s hard to get out of your mind with the ideas that there’s nothing better, and to end it all, would be the best way, but it’s not true, nor is it the best option for anyone.

I know how lonely it gets, and it’s frustrating to see my own wife go through her battles, and watch her discover what the dark shade of depression is. I also know that it’s easier said than done when it comes to dealing with it. Just know that those who are meant to be in your life are there for a reason, even if it’s just so you can learn to tell them to fuck off. I know someone who’s dealing with hate and discontent in their family, being that I myself have a spotty relationship with most of my extended family, I understand. Sometimes we have to make the difficult choice to cut those people out of your lives. I know that I don’t deal with most family members because I’m the black sheep, and I look at life very different then those who grew up together.

Remember, it’s okay not to be okay. It isn’t just a hash tag trend on social media. It’s a reminder that it’s okay to not stay strong. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay, to be vulnerable. You’re only human, and that’s….okay. We all have gone through some form of rough times, and we all can weather the storm. Life can and will get better if you allow it, even with a bit of help.

Self analysis is a strong tool to have to help get through these problems, and I remember when I felt like I had nowhere to turn. Getting the help, more importantly, asking for the help is the first step to recovery, in any situation in life. That’s always why having other’s around you can help you figure it out. If you don’t have the tool set, find someone who can help you get that tool set. Find that way to count your spoons.

As I’ve been on this journey of self discovery, and building a better me, I’ve grown so much, and I see people who’ve had the similar struggles, tend to show kindness in a world that usually doesn’t have any of it to spare. So we deal, and try to manage, then you get that asshole who wants to shit on whatever progress you’ve made. That’s something that’s damaging and can lead to worse things. Unfortunately, those people don’t care, or give a thought to what they might have just done.

It’s okay not to be okay, and if you need assistance, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me, and if I can’t help you, I’ll find you somebody who can. I’ve lost a few people to suicide, and even one is too many. This is why the project is stronger than ever. This is why I do what I do. This is why, somehow, its been my bigger focus in life. Saving someone is worth it, and I’ve been there to help people not leave this earth too soon, and I’ll continue to strive to help as long as I can.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

Push To Not Give Up

Our minds can be our greatest strength, but it can also be our worse enemy. I also know that this has been a subject that I’ve been touching on quite a bit recently. It’s just part of the journey, as I continue on building a better self. At least I haven’t given up on the path yet.

Moving forward, I weighed-in yesterday. Being in a place of self doubt, and not thinking I’ve been doing vary well, I was glad to see that I hadn’t let myself get out of control. The scale came in at 293.9. That’s a five pound loss since my last weigh-in. My BMI is at 42.2, which is great to know that I’ve lost about twenty percent of my body mass.

I’m kind of in an odd spot where I’ve had to get smaller equipment to wear for work, the stuff I’ve been wearing is getting way to big on me, yet one size smaller is still a bit too small for me. I did notice last week that the belt I wear was starting to fit better though. I also realize that now’s the time I actually get myself some new uniforms.

All I can keep telling myself is to just keep pushing forward. It’s always hard to keep that on the forefront of my mind, but it’s worth it. A misstep isn’t the end of the world. I think that’s the biggest fear…to just loose control and end up back at square one. Maybe that’s my check point, and what keeps me going. That fear of being like I was, with no will power, and no self control. I don’t want to feel the way I used to feel. I’m liking my new outlook on life.

Going back to the weigh-in though: I’m down 136 pounds. It feels good, no, it feels great. My next goal to hit is 270, and I know that isn’t so far away of obtaining. I’m now at a weight that I was before I got with my wife Sarah. It feels great, and that was over eighteen years ago. If I hit below 270, that will be a weight I haven’t seen in over twenty years. As I say and think it, a feeling of amazement comes to mind. I can’t even begin to grasp the concept of me being less than fat. While I’m no longer considered morbidly obese, I’m considered severely obese.

I guess that it’s a down grade, but it still feels negative to be considered that. I know that I have a long way to go before I’ll be considered healthy, but I’m getting there. That’s the mentality that I need to keep: I’m getting there. So, that should be one of my new hash tags- #Imgettingthere . A mantra to follow, and keep me going.

I saw a hash tag on Facebook the other day that I think I’m going to also start using: #itsokaynottobeokay. I think that it speak volumes especially since it still seems taboo to talk about mental health issues. I’m glad that I took up the mantle to be a voice for mental health awareness. It was sad when there was people that I knew had taken their own lives, and that’s part of why I do it. That and I have family members who also suffer from depression and I love them, and want them to have a long and wonderful life.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

 

Cheat Day

So, I felt like I didn’t do as well as I could have this weekend. Hell, I felt like I almost blew my hard work. I had some chips, and I snacked a bit more than I should have; at least that’s how I felt.

I also didn’t quite get the steps in for the weekend that I planned on. However, I’m pretty sure that I’ll be okay, because today. So, I cheated a bit this weekend, at least I’m determined not to be that way. I need to remind myself that I really shouldn’t have a cheat day, because it becomes a slippery slope unto other bad habits that I’ve tried to forget.

All this on top of the fact that I’ve been feeling a bit weird lately, and I’m not sure how I should be reacting to dealing with everything. I’ve got sick kids, and a wife who maybe coming down with a serious disease, and in the end, I’ve still got to keep my shit together.  I hate having my moments of weakness because it makes me feel like a failure, even when I’m not.

The think that I’ve got going is that I’m exploring more of digital special effects, and that’s making me feel better. I’ve had a good weekend, with friends, even though my kids are now really getting sick. Plus, it’s Labor Day weekend, which gives me four days off.

The leaps and bounds that I’ve gotten with Adobe After Effects…..

 

Update 9-8-18:

So, while I started this blog on Monday, I’ve been sick and dealing with life. I was able to go to my personal training session on Tuesday, and I killed it. It gave me the confidence I felt that I was lacking when I started the blog on Monday. Unfortunately, a few hours later, a sore throat and fever hit me hard and took me out for a couple of days.

Because of that, my week went to shit, sort of. As of now though, I am better. A few days of rest was something that I needed. It sucks when the body aches and the head is a bit fuzzy.

Today, we people in the small town of Ridgecrest had our annual Parade of a 1000 Flags. It’s a day to remember those we lost in the tragic events of September 11th, 2001. We as a family have been involved with the parade in various ways. We’ve walked with each of the kids schools, we’ve walked with the Boy and Girl Scouts, and have walked with the Autism Awareness group in town. Last year, we walked with our brother and sister geeks for The Geeks of The IWV. Today was a milestone as The CK Project made its public debut this year.

For the parade this year, we decided to make the letters white, to make it stand out when being represented. The letters pop a bit more. It’s limited, and it’s the start of us taking control to actually do our own merchandise. I wanted to have a simple basic look this time to represent the fact that The CK Project wants to show the beginnings of something new.

The normal blue for the letter’s represents hope. Yes, I picked that up from a comic book, and I think that hope is something that tells where the mission starts for myself personally. Dealing with my weight loss journey, and my mental health has inspired me to try and inspire others, with the hope that people find the answers that they might be looking for.

There’s been too many people lost to depression and suicide, and I wonder if they knew that they could have someone to reassure them that everything would be okay; if they would have made another choice. It gets better, and I’m the first one to admit that my head space hasn’t always been positive, and I’ve felt the bitter feelings of feeling trapped with no place to go. The thing I gained the most? I survived, and anyone who feels that shadow of doubt should be able to be reminded that they too can survive and it will get better.

Life is getting better, I’m going to be doing my weigh-in update tomorrow, and take the boy child to the gym to get our exercise on. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Hello, Loneliness…

I’ve found myself in a strange place lately. I’ve been feeling kind of alone, and yet I’m around people most of the time. Before you get all panicked, I haven’t been depressed…just felt alone. With that, I’ve been kind of stuck in my own head most of the time, and the writing has become slowed down a bit. I’ll be fine because I haven’t had any negative thoughts lately.

My weight loss journey has seemed to hit a bump, as I’m not losing like I was, but that could have been a moment of circumstance that has thrown me off. It isn’t the first time, and I know it won’t be the last time. It’s just crazy when I have all these things going on that now I would start feeling a sense of loneliness, because I know I’m not, and I have a great support system. Hell, I honestly think that it’s gotten better as I’ve gone along.

I’m reconnecting with long time friends, who I really like being around, they’re just chill people, and be told that I’m a trusted companion, makes me feel pretty damn good. I’m glad that I’m viewed as a chill individual, and laid back. It’s something I’ve tried to perfect for some time. Most of my adult life I was angry, and I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore.

Again, all of this is just my mind trying to test me, or my depression. I know that I’ll get through it because I’ve got too much actually going my way. It just sucks when I go somewhere and start feeling like I did something wrong, even if I didn’t. That’s how my brain works, and it’s a difficulty that I’ve felt with most of my life.

On the bright side, I am starting to run, or at least jog again. I need to work on endurance as well as strength. The goal is to eventually get a mile and a half run in about seventeen and a half minutes. I’m sure that I’ll get there, but I still think like a fat person. I’ve been told that is something that may never go away. It’s almost ironic that the thing I’ve been trying to escape, still is a shadow in my life. I mean, I know that I can do more things, and I am doing more things, but sometimes, it’s hard to get past the fact that I was overweight and poorly out of shape for so long that my movement was limited.

My quality of life has gotten so much better. I’m mentally, physically, and spiritually better. Yet those demons try to bring me down at times. At least I have tools in my tool kit that helps with coping with these downward trends. I’ll eventually ride this out, and I’m not too worried.

I can’t believe that it’s been nine months since my surgery. Fall is going to be here soon, and the holiday season. I guess that’s going to be the real challenge this year. The goodies that comes out during the commercial time of year. Egg Nog, cookies… well, I’m actually good about not having cookies, and I don’t think that Egg Nog is going to feel good on the stomach this year. Let’s see how the cold effects me this winter as well.

I’ve discovered that I can do things that I hadn’t been able to do in years, so I’m excited to add a few exercises to the regiment as I work out on my non-personal training days. It’s been a joy taking my son with me and teaching him to work out. One of the things that I discovered that I can do is about a minute-twenty at a four point five speed on the treadmill. I’ll take that as a win as well.

Next weekend is the parade that the CK Project makes is official public debut. I’m excited that we’re finally getting that going, as well as that we’re getting ready to announce that we’ll be taking a political stand for the LGBQT community. Let’s just say that we’ve been active in helping to establish a festival for the community for next year, and Luckey Bom Films, along with the CK Project are going to be doing a documentary on the whole process. It’s going to be a learning experience, as we become more involved with the process.

Anyway, this is the director and that’s a wrap.

Where Did It Go?

Where did the week go? I remember working some long ass hours on the second half of the week, but I can’t believe that I didn’t get some of the stuff done, that I set forth. I worked out this week, and I’ll be honest, I wasn’t really feeling it. I didn’t feel a whole lot of motivation this week as it was.

It’s just one of those feelings that I get sometimes. I pushed and still did the workout, even if I wasn’t quite feeling it, so that’s a plus. I did get some pics, that I still haven’t put up yet, I’ll rectify that tomorrow. Like I said, this wasn’t the best week for motivation for me. At least I got another workout in today with the boy. I pushed myself with a few burner sets.

I got to be more involved with the other brands in my life this week though. I got some things read for the Geekultural Experience, and I also had a production meeting for the up coming projects that we’ve got going. We’re going to be writing a slasher movie taking place in a camp setting, and yes… I know how cliche that is, but it’s meant to be fun. My creative side is maturing because I want to do more with my shots and story telling.

We also talked about doing smaller things between the bigger projects. One of those things are addressing cliches and stereotypes in pop culture. Being a fan of pop culture, I think it will be fun to address and tear down the too often used things in pop culture. I mean, after all, big women can be beautiful too, various other challenges like that.

So, I’m going to do my weigh-in tomorrow. Plus, I’m starting to get motivated to get those 10,000 steps in. I just had to push myself past the unmotivated feelings that I was having. I’m ready to get back into the game and get to losing more weight again, not that I’ve stopped so far, but sometimes it feels that way.

This was just a short one to update people. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

“With A Little Help From My Friends”

An amazing part of a good support system can be found in your friends. This is usually a fine line to skate because you don’t really know who your true friends are until the rough times come along. There’s been a few times where I’ve been in a shitty spot, and I’ve seen who my real friends are. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve not always been the best person, to some of my friends.

I still associate with people who only seem to hit me up when they need something. It’s sad that they don’t always just want to say hi, and se how I’m doing, but I’m always hoping for the best in people, and sometimes that’s my down fall. That reality hits when trying to help someone better their situation, but then they don’t take the assistance. Often times that becomes a hard pill to swallow, as I’ve realized that I can’t save everyone.

Then the often tragic results end with showing waisted potential and a future of promise getting flushed down the toilet. Hard pill to swallow indeed. I guess that happens to be because I read too many comics, and I might have a white knight in shining armor….I really don’t know, but I want to help people.

The best feeling is when people reach out and tell me that I’ve been an inspiration to them. I’m glad people decide to better themselves. It’s rewarding to hear that people see that I can do it, and they want to have that same feeling of accomplishment. I think it keeps me, or hell, it probably puts me in a place to be humble. That’s something I hadn’t always been. I used to have this feeling of entitlement, and that I was owed something. I can’t even remember why I was that way, or how things changed….

The best feelings that I’ve been getting since my surgery is when people seem to not recognize me. Having a sense of humor, there’s often banter about how I need to get smaller clothes because what I’m wearing is looking way to big on me. It’s rewarding to know that other’s pay attention to my work, and cheer me on. It’s an even better feeling that my own personal feelings on how I’m starting to feel in my body.

I had a friend go through the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy  surgery a couple of days ago. I’m proud of the progress she went through, even before the surgery. Her name is Terri and her blog is https://changingtodaytolivetomorrow.wordpress.com. We meet in October of last year at a Society of Creative Anachronism event called Great Western War. She’s a sweet lady, and amazing cook! With us both being heavy set, we found common struggles, and we also geek out together a bit.

I’m giving huge shout outs to the people who are looking to better their health, and being told that I was apart of that decision, makes me happy. For those who are doing this, I have a project for you: Send me your before pics, and send up follow up pics so that people can join in and be apart of your support system. I’m going to be one of your biggest advocates, and I come with a shit ton of people who I’m sure will be willing to get behind your progress.

Even if you don’t feel comfortable about documenting your own progress, if you want- I’m willing to help out there. This weight loss journey has changed my life around so much, and I’ve grown as a person and so many positive things have happened because of it. It’s amazing, you’re amazing, and this will be the most amazing journey that you’ll ever take! I got you there.

If you want to get the kind of exposure that I’m getting and are doing something to get yourself out there, send me a message and I’ll do all I can to help boost your signal too. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.