How Did It Happen?

For a year that had been emotionally and mentally rough on most people, good things can come to those with patience. I for on don’t think that most of the year went too horribly, I found ways to benefit from the pandemic, like staying home kept me in check and refocus on things such as paying off bills.

Mentally I wasn’t completely keeping it together. One of those things I dealt with was dealing with a low-key depression that I hadn’t really realized was there until much later in the year. I wanted to blame it on being on the nightshift for so long, and the fact that the pandemic happened towards the beginning of my time on that shift. I just really didn’t think of what it was that was bothering me.

One of the downsides of me being on nightshift is always that my mind isn’t nice to me, ever. I start getting stupid thoughts of doubt, and loneliness, and it doesn’t do my mental health any good. That’s why I would text people I knew at god awful hours just so that I could feel validated to someone. I did find the experience to growth, from a personal perspective. My opinions on certain aspects on life have been changed, and it’s taken me by surprise.

Mentally, I feel a bit uplifted now. I got a raise at work that I’ve been hoping to get for some time. I also got an opportunity to have a space for a studio, which is something I haven’t thought that I would have for a long time. The positive side is that I can now produce a bit more video content without having to worry about finding the space I would need for some of the stuff I’ve been meaning to do. I think this will be a win for The CK Project and Luckey Bom Films. The Geekultural will be getting some content as well. I’m excited because this has been what I’ve been working towards the last few years.

Mentally, I’m feeling accomplished. I’ve also been changing some eating habits and changing up my physical training regimen, and I’m starting to feel a bit better about that now. I’ve started what is termed as the “cutting phase”, which means that I’m on a modified cabbage diet, as well as doing endurance training. This way I’ll be going leaner and losing weight. I’m looking to drop muscle size as well with high reps, and light weight.

It’s torcher, and also changing my eating habits and being more conscious about how and when I’m eating is starting to feel that I’m feeling better, and not as fat. I think the weirdest part is that I’ve dropped eating my protein bars, that had been my go-to for the last almost three years. I got this, and in truth, I know that it’s going to save me money in the long run.

Part of why I’ve decided to go this route is because I want to start training for a body building competition. I’m not expecting to win anything, however it’s a learning process to help me for when I become a trainer. Not only that, but as an actor, I would like to look a bit better when I’m on screen, and yes I know that it’s partially a vanity thing. Though getting in the best shape of my life will also extend my life, and I like feeling better about myself.

I guess that shows one of those connections between the physical and mental aspects in life. I mean look, make-up and fashion have been playing into this connection for years. It is a multi-billion dollar industry after all. Plus it’s something society has put standards on. It molds the way most people view the world. It can be ugly at times. If you’re over weight, people tend to be judgmental. If you’re under weight, same difference. I often use the quote haters gonna hate. It’s sad, but true.

Remember how I mentioned how I hated nightshift because of where my mind would take me? Yeah, that the words of people wanting to tear me down since I was little. I used to tease my kids when they were little to toughen them up, but as I’ve gotten older, I hope that I’ve gotten wiser to realize that it wasn’t the best approach to parenthood. The intention was out of love and wanting to protect my children.

That’s something that was hard to accept, that as a parent, I can’t protect my children from all the bad in this world. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes we have to just hope that they can find their way and succeed in life. The world isn’t kind, and all we can do as parents is hope that we’ve given them enough tools to manage the ugly that life presents during the various events in our lives.

I feel that my mental health hasn’t always helped me to be a good parent, but I’ve tried my best, given the circumstances at hand. However, the person that I’ve strived to become over the last several years I think is a step in the right direction. The hardworking that I’ve been putting into getting my brands going, I hope is an example of what I’m trying to have my kids learn. I hope that they can learn and become better versions of themselves as well.

I’m sorry that they’ve ever had to see me struggle and suffer from my misplaced anger. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel that I was the parent that they needed, but they know that I love them. I hope that by seeing me at my worst, they can appreciate that I’ve done all that I could to overcome the struggles of poor mental and physical health. They are my world, and I love them. The fact that they can share in my success, and be apart of building something bugger then just who I am, is where I think we’ve found bounding at it’s finest.

This was started last weekend, and being Thanksgiving, I’m going to finish my thoughts:

I was called to come help my father pick my step-mother up from the floor yesterday. The time was about eight-thirty in the morning, and when I had come to assist I had found out that she had been on the floor since about four-in-the-morning. After we had gotten her up, I was told that she needed to get an ultrasound on her legs because the doctor’s think that she may have clots in her legs. Talk about a plot twist that as most people have felt the whole year has been bad, I figured that it hadn’t been that bad, well I guess that I’m having my chips cashed in in the last bit of this year.

I mean if you’ve been following me for some time, then you already know that I don’t believe that a new year, fresh start is in my belief system. I mean things just seem to come in waves at times. Seeing the woman who raised me, look so frail, and just seems to be getting worse since her head trauma from a couple of years ago has got me thinking about how much time she has left. Again, she raised me, and was the only woman I called mom for most of my life, her condition has hit me hard. I’m afraid that I’m going to be losing her soon, and that would just be the exclamation to hit me during these troubled times.

I’m not letting these events drag me down, at least not to anywhere dangerous, but at the same time, I think I’m still trying to figure out what it all means. I know that this month of November has come with it’s own set of mixed blessings, as I’ve gotten almost all my studies done, and I have made forward progress on the filmmaking end of things as we are setting up an area that gives us a bit of space to grow and film. Plus with the meetings every weekend, we’ve been developing something that should keep us busy filming for a majority of the year.

It’s all about taking it one-step-at-a-time. Just like working on self-care, mental health, and everything else in life. Take it all one step, one day-at-a-time.

With that, this is the director, and that’s a wrap.

2020, You’re Really Trying Me

As my last blog talked about my adventures in Pennsylvania, I need to continue on what some might consider a bit of a shit sandwich. As I was coming home from the airport LAX, I was graced with the news that my dog of eight-years needed to be put down, because she was sick and wasn’t getting any better.

What a way to capitalize an already emotionally charged time in my life. Ever wonder how much one person can endure? I swear that this year is just trying to break me, but I’m gonna be okay. I did cry a bit today as I was finishing updating my social media. Looking at a pic that I took of Smush a couple of weeks ago really got to me. This could be because I’ve either not fully processed everything, or it’s just now starting to hit me.

I know that I’ve still kept myself busy since being back. I don’t feel like I do a whole lot most days, but when you break down the stuff that I do keep involved in, I guess that I do keep busy. For example, I finished the blog that I had started on Friday, published it. I did a live video on Facebook, then I also worked on costuming for a character that’s premiering on a comedy that we’re writing. Plus I dealt with other movie business as well.

I don’t feel like it’s a whole lot as I didn’t study any of my personal training stuff until today, and I finished the chapter that I had working on for what seemed like weeks now. At least I have ten-days at home to concentrate and get some stuff done. That’s the price I had to pay, just to travel all across the United States.

Before I get off track, I should mention a bit more about my pug, Smush. She’s been my dog since we got her over eight-years-ago. I was the human that she claimed as hers. I’ve never had an animal that seemed so loving or dedicated as Smush. There’s going to be a place that seems to be missing in my heart. She was the best little pug, though a pain-in-the-ass at the same time. I’m going to miss her.

I swear to God that my keeping busy isn’t a way to avoid anything, but I feel like anytime away from trying to be creative seems to be a waste anymore. I play video games as a way to relax, or wake-up. I do the same with movies, unless I’m doing some studying as a filmmaker. Is it crazy that I still don’t feel like I’m doing enough? Has this become an unhealthy obsession?

I know that I had five-days-away from doing anything, besides family things, but man I feel like I’m either making up for lost time, or maybe I’ve got a renewed vigor. I know that as my group gets more and more into the projects that we’re developing, I want to do this as a full-time thing. I’m even excited that I’ll eventually be training people to become healthier, and I figure that at some point I won’t have to depend on other entities to be my boss.

That was always a goal I had in mind since I was old enough to figure out the kinds of things that I wanted to do when I became an adult. It used to be about me having my own music producing company, then it was on to having my own film company. These are blurring and becoming more like reality.

Everybody grieves differently, or so I keep getting told. Could this be how I grieve? By creating? By letting my ambitions to lead me in a different direction? I guess that I could have other vices that could be more destructive, yet here I am, choosing to create. I’m trying to make life more fulfilling. I’m not saying that what I’m creating is necessarily beautiful, but that’s in the perspective of the beholder. I’m just here to entertain, and enlighten. I’ve been told that I do both decently and I continue to improve, that is the goal over all. To improve.

I’m choosing to use the loss of my mother and my dog, as a way to inject something into my creative process. I’m going to show their love through whatever it is I’m doing. It’s my way of taking the negative and turning it into something positive. I feel that this shows where my personal growth has gone. As I’ve strived to improve myself, I find that the way I would react to many things have changed over time.

This Covid-19 pandemic has proved that I’ve changed my perspective on things. I’ve had friends complain on how this has inconvenienced their lives, and how they wish that live would quickly get back to normal. The way I look at this is that this has turned into an opportunity to grow, and learn. I’ve been fortunate to still be working, and it’s a blessing because I’ve taken the time to pay off debts, and right now I think that’s where a good focus is, because I’m trying to build something, and I need to make decisions that could potentially stop this type of income from coming in.

The risk versus the reward, has been something that’s been weighing on my mind for sometime now. Even today with the pandemic becoming bigger and more serious, it weighs on me even more.

Side note: This blog started several weeks ago and I am now getting back to it now twenty-days later.

Things have been crazy since I started this blog. One of those things that have been heading in the right direction is the fact that movie business has picked up an opportunity to have a place for a creative base for at least the little bit. Yet, November has just seemed to go by, and I took a bit of a mental break the last week or so.

With that break though I find myself getting back on track today with completing a couple of quizzes for my ISSA personal trainer certification. I’ve done twenty-two out of thirty-one quizzes so far. I need to have my CPR certificate, and I realized that I updated mine last year. So things are starting to look good again.

I should say that I’ve been changing the way that I eat, and I’m starting to feel better about my weight loss journey. This is the one thing that I’ve been struggling with. I’m not sure why I let myself get back into some of those bad habits, because I do feel better not being as big as I was. I’m not trying to let my mental state use food as a crutch, I promise that I’m not.

I guess that I should address my mental state a bit, because since I’ve been back to work I keep getting asked the same question everyday, by what seems like, everyone. “Am I okay?” I honestly don’t know how to respond more than I’m fine. I mean there’s been so much that has gone on over the last month, and even most of the year, I feel like I might have just skated by and gone through the motions. I really am in a place where I just don’t think that I’ve completely processed the events that have gone on, but I also just don’t feel like I really have anything to say to anybody. I don’t mean to seem like a dick, or that I’m ungrateful for the concern, but I just don’t feel like talking about anything, except to a few people and those people aren’t really any part of my usual circles as it is.

Truth is I’ve found something that has spoken to me, and I feel that it’s trying to lead me to a path somewhere on the opposite side of our country. I don’t know how to explain it, but Pennsylvania spoke to my soul. I connected to a part of my life that I never knew was missing before, and I’m eternally grateful for those who took time out of their lives to let me in, even for a brief time, or better yet, opened a bit more of a bond then just through text.

I have my goals here, that I’ll continue to pursue, but I also think that I want to take part of that and build it in Pennsylvania as well. I’m going to leave with those words, here, and now. I also want to say that while things haven’t always looked the best, and that I’ve tried to keep that silver lining going, I do have plans to show where my success is starting to show, it’s just going to take a bit of time, but all will be revealed.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Too Late To Say Goodbye

I was in the air. My phone was on airplane mode. The flight was delayed by a hour, and I just couldn’t make it to say goodbye. There were things that I wanted to tell her before she passed, sorry that I wasn’t a better son, I wish I would have tried harder to have a relationship. I guess in the end she got something she wanted, her three kids together.

A family member of mine, whom I was meeting for the first time, said that she felt that my mother heard and knew that I was coming. This family member also said that she felt my mother tried to hold out to the last minute, yet I landed forty-three minutes late. Sorry that I couldn’t be there for you, mom. I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready to have a relationship with this side of the family. This happened Friday night, October twenty-third. The night I lost the person I had only really known as the woman who had given me birth. She was the mother to a half-brother and half-sister I didn’t really know.

The happened when I got here to Mechanicsburg, PA on Oct. 23, 2020. The following is about my time here being present with family:

When I got here, I was picked up by my brother’s ex, and baby mama, Jessica. I hope that if, and when she reads this, that she’ll know that she’s an amazing woman, and I will always be grateful for the kindness shown, and the character that she has towards me, who’s a bit of a stranger, and towards my brother, who honestly needs someone like her to be there for a support and want for him to succeed.

It was close to midnight when I had gone to the front of the airport, and saw her. She told me about my mother’s passing. She had said that she didn’t know how or when would have been the right time to tell me. The thing that stuck out was that I told her that she was taller than I expected. Don’t get me wrong, I was saddened by the news of my mother’s passing, but I guess that I wasn’t surprised, and if I was to be honest, we’ve already had built a friendship over text, and I was glad it was her to tell me this news.

As we got to her house, her oldest daughter, Abby was still awake, and seemed like she wanted to meet me. She’s no blood relation to my family, but I had considered her my niece, and I was glad to meet her. The thing about Abby is that she was putting a Stevie Nicks vibe to me and I had mentioned that to her. She got a loving and kind personality who has a passion for gymnastics. Now I bet you’re wondering why I would talk about people other than my mother, I promise that I’ll get to everything in a minute.

Abby had volunteered to give up her mattress to bring it down to the living room so that I would have a comfortable place to sleep. I was appreciative to this eleven-year-olds generous heart. I even took her to get a treat because she became my buddy. She’s a child that I see will be successful wherever she decides to go in live.

Not to be out done by that, the next morning I got to meet my niece Elena. She six, red hair, and a feisty attitude to built. She comes out and pretends to be shy and gives me a card. She says that she loves me and wants me to move in. This girl is too cute, but also a vicious attitude to boot. Before the end of the day, I’ve already named her my saccharine valkyrie. I think she’s going to be an intense fire as she gets older. Plus she’s cute, and that’s a dangerous combination.

I was fortunate to meet my brother Dave for the first time. Dave and I have similar interests, and I also know that we’ve not always seen eye-to-eye, but I was glad to meet him. He’s as loving to those two girls as anyone I’ve ever seen be dedicated to a small human. It makes me proud to see him be a good father, even though life hasn’t been easy for him. I attest that his love is a reflection of how our mother was as a parent. I had found humor and enjoyment of watching him interact with Abby and Elena.

I think the humor came in the form of how much those little girls have “daddy” wrapped around their fingers. Elena’s fiery spirit is as Dave tells me, much like how our sister Barby was at that age(I’ll be discussing her soon). Through my brother, I can see how the girls will always be taken care of and protected by him.

Out of all of my actually family members, Dave was the one that I spent the most time with. We got to enjoy each others company, and we got to do little projects with the girls. Our time was family time, and a way that we could connect with each other and as well as the ladies who run his life.

We went over to my mother’s house for a sort of get together, and I met an aunt and some cousins, as well as my half-brother, and my half-sister(which I actually have much to say about her). It was nice to meet them and hear the stories of my mother and her love of life. It was nice to meet a few cousin’s that I had only talked too through Facebook. It was nice to know how much she meant to so many people. I had the distinct disadvantage of not really having any of those root connections to my mother, and I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb.

I was afraid that people were going to have issues with me being there, as I was the child who was never around, or seemed to make any effort to actually get closer to the family. I was pleasantly surprised that I was welcomed without drama, and that Dave wasn’t having any of those negative vibes going on that day. I also started to get things filled in for me that I never knew, and I walked away from that experience feeling a bit better about going.

I know that as I had left the airport the day before, that my stomach became queasy and that I was starting to feel a bit nervous about this encounter, but the initial meeting was better than expected.

Now, I need to talk about that other important person, and the one I felt that I learned the most about how much I was important to my mother, that would be my little sister Barbra. She four-years younger, and one of the most free-spirits that I’ve ever known. She’s the one that I’ve video chatted the most and honestly connected the most with. In part with a strange and special connection that I’ve not felt before.

Jessica, Dave, and I had got to Milfinburg, to pick her up and take her with us to do the funeral arrangements, on Monday, but it was that hug on Saturday that was what was special. I never had been hugged so tightly by anyone in the world like that. It was that hug that said, “I love you big brother”. She’s interesting with her views on life, and mom’s death hit her the hardest, however, she was staying strong, and I’m glad that she’s done well with keeping herself together. Mom was her best friend, so she felt the loss the hardest.

Monday after we had finished with what errands that us kids needed to do, I had decided to stay back at mom’s place and spend the night getting to know my sister. I don’t exactly know how to explain what the connection was, but Barby and I just seem to connect on a different level than anyone I’ve ever been around. I was glad that she would share her experiences with me, and tell me how much mom loved me. She even showed me writings where mom would talk about how much she missed and loved me.

I don’t know if I deserved that love, or if she deserved the way I ended up keeping my distance from that side of the family. What I do know is that regardless of what may have gone down in the past, I feel a bit more complete, and I think that it’s the next chapter in my life, where I’m not just the only-child anymore. I have a younger brother, and sister with whom I care about. They matter to me, and now we have that connection.

I know that we’re planing on doing something next year, where there’s like a family reunion, only doing it as a post celebration-of-life thing in remembrance of mom. It’s going to be a way off because I’ve got my own herd to take across the country, and well it does cost money, but it will give us a chance to actually get things organized and ample time to provide for everybody in the family to come as well.

Will it run smooth? Will there be drama? I would hope not, but like most family ordeals, those things tend to happen to some extent. I just hope that all things will be done with the remembrance of who my mom was, and the impact that she seemed to have on the family as a hole.

This is the director, and as I say that’s a wrap, I find that there are new things developing for me, and I find that the last five-days in Pennsylvania has somehow altered the course of my life.

I Slipped

I suppose I should start out by saying that I finally weighed myself the other day. It said that I had gained about twenty-pounds. I’m not surprised, I’ve become more self-aware that I realized that I started going the wrong way. My clothes weren’t fitting quite like they used too. However, I’m not going to let that keep me down. I know what I’ve been doing wrong, as even if the pandemic has hampered some of the things I had been doing, I do realize that I have been, and will be doing all that I can to correct my path and get on the right track.

The hard part is that I’ve let the situations in life distract me from my goals. I know that the last couple of weeks seem to be testing me, but I’ve not let it keep me down so far. I need to get that focus back, and I need to not let life hold me back. I know it’s all about how I react to the situations in life. With me finally getting off of the nightshift, I feel that I’m starting to get back on track to that motivation that I need. Crazy part is that in the beginning, the shift took a bit to get used too, but I was doing well. Even with the bum ankle that I had for the longest time I was going strong.

Then I came down with a case of food poisoning. It took me out for a week, but on the bright side, it did give me the time to fully heal my ankle. The shitty part was that it seemed to take forever to get that motivation back. This was also during the first part of the pandemic for Covid-19. I kept working though, just couldn’t seem to keep getting my motivation going. It would seem that I had all-the-time-in-the-world, but the truth is I got distracted by other things. I got involved with a situation that started to put me into a depressive fog.

The issue with that depressive fog was that I didn’t realize what it was at the time, and it really lasted for way too long. The pandemic also ended up limiting my time with my personal trainer, and again, I wasn’t as motivated to work out. These things combined; and I’m just not being as active as I could be. I could look at this as a failure and say that I feel like giving up, but that would be too easy. I’m not going to let this hold me back.

Update: Since I started writing this blog the other night, I had gone to the emergency room, thinking that I might have had a kidney stone, however after seeing the doctor, he thought that I should get my gallbladder checked out. I haven’t gotten the results back since I just went in on Monday, the twelfth. I discovered since my lowest weight, I’ve only gained a little over eighteen pounds. I know that it could have been far worse than it was. Like I said before, I could let this keep me down, however I choose to allow this to be a teacher, and I’m getting the focus back that I need to continue on to my success.

One of those things about the weight loss journey is that there are many companies that want you to think that it’s a complete slope going down hill once you lose weight. As a matter of fact, many companies tend to market off this idea, to “sell the illusion” to convince you to buy their product. People tend to gravitate to the idea, as a quick fix.

I’ve struggled with weight my whole life, and to say that I’ve never tried one of those fad diets would be a lie. I mean they do work, to some extent, but the whole concept is too keep you on “their” diet plan for as long as possible. My journey hasn’t been a straight down slope, as a matter of fact, I’ve hit a plateau for a long time. I didn’t let it keep me down, however, I do need to get that focus back. The positive is that I’m not starting over, and that I have a place of reference now, more than I ever did before.

The strange part is that I saw this coming, and I knew how it happened. The incredible part is that I’ve never been so in touch with my own awareness. For the longest time, at my heaviest. it felt like I was having an out of body experience. I felt like I was trapped in a body that wasn’t mine. Could this have ben a result of some trauma from my past? I think I might hit up one of my professional friends for some insight into this.

I think that this is part of that whole taking power back, and I know that I can do better, and will do better. I admit that I want to say that it feels like I let people down. I guess part of the transparency is the fact that we all slip and fall. The lesson is to get up and keep going. To quote the greatest storyteller of our time, Stan Lee, he would always use the word excelsior. If you look up the Latin meaning, it’s meaning is ever upward https://www.dictionary.com/browse/excelsior.

I think about the man, Stan Lee, and how his stories have impacted my life. It’s excelsior that seems to be something that’s hitting me more and more these days. I mean look at The CK Project, it’s about mental health, weight loss, improving one’s self. It’s about ever upward. It’s about pushing yourself in a forward direction.

I’m surprised that it hasn’t hit me as hard mentally as I would have expected, but then again, I think the fact that I’m staying busy keeps me from having those stupid thoughts from coming in. Don’t you hate it when your mind tells you those negative things? I have had this conversation recently with people that I care about. It sucks that we tend to self-sabotage ourselves of our potential, of our happiness.

I will say that it felt good to get a podcast the other day for The CK Project, https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA. We addressed World Mental Health, as it’s something that still isn’t always talked about. Plus, what ever we’ve been dealing with behind the scenes, is helping pump up my motivation, and we’re trying to set some new, reasonable goals. It’s all about finding a way for our work flow to be more effective.

Keep finding those things that make you thrive. Too much in this world seems to want to keep people down from living and being happy. Some people want to say that working and making money is living. I say that working and money is the way to survive. Being a motivational person, and a filmmaker is the way I live. For so long I let other people dictate to me what living was all about, and right now I can say that they’re wrong. You want to know the secret? Passion! That’s the thing that people should discover for themselves to survive, what they are passionate about.

I’m working on being more effective for those who follow my stuff, and I’m trying to diversify what content I do bring unto you. I know that we are making some strides in places that’s going to lead to some of the most incredible stuff that we can provide. I can’t wait to share all those plans, because next year is going to be a productive year.

As always, thanks for checking out the blog. Please like, and subscribe. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

That Light At the End of the Tunnel

So, I had to call off work today for a few unexpected family things to take care of. All I’ll say about the first thing on the list, was that it was an easy enough fix. The only problem is that I found out about it while I was trying to take care of some paperwork to get a raise at work. So, I’ve had a few things going on today, but nothing incredibly major…

As I was getting the paperwork, I get on to Facebook and see that my half-sister posted that my maternal mother has come down with Covid-19. I had known that my mother had been in and out of the hospital for probably the better part of the last year or so. I had also known that she was getting taken care of in a nursing home, yet somewhere in-between, I don’t think that I was expecting this.

I’ve been in contact with that side of the family for the last eleven-years. It was my sister Barby who had reached out to me on Myspace. Remember when that was the thing? So long ago, huh? It was at this time that I had started to get to know her, my mother, and my brother. I tried to connect, and I tried harder to be a decent big brother, since that was something I’d never done. That’s not completely true, I did take on a big brother roll for Sarah’s siblings, and I tried to treat them the best I could. Yet it was in this situation that things were different.

I do love my half-siblings, and I try to be the best big brother that I can, but as we’ve lived very different lives from each other, I sometimes have found that it was hard to relate to some of their troubles. After all, I was raised by my dad, and step-mom, who’d been the only woman that I was ever known to call mother. Even from a young age, I was aware of who my maternal mother was, yet we never actually connected until I was already thirty-years-old. I’d already lived a good part of my adult years, and have had my own opinion on life without her influence.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s bad, however, I am saying that it makes life a bit different on how I react to things. I’ve made it no secret that I don’t get along with many members of my family, as it is. Though there have been cousins on my dad’s side who’ve come into my life and have shown such love and support, that I’m grateful. These people are showing an uplifting love, and it’s not something I’m used to.

I had a conversation with my half-sister, and I told her now was the time to get closer to family. As I was speaking it to her, I think that I was also speaking it to myself as well. Her, my half-brother David, and some other relatives on that side, I’ve had contacts with. I’m going to do my best to be closer to them. As I was explaining to my sister that I’m not the best staying in contact, especially since I’m creating content, getting an education, and working full-time, as well as trying to be a family man, and maintaining my health. So, I’m aware of how busy I do get.

The strange part is that sometimes I don’t feel like I’m doing enough, and then I get those looks of people who think that I’m slightly crazy because I’m constantly doing something, and I help take care of my family, and their health issues. I’ll admit that I have those days where I just spend time playing video games. I think that’s the time for me to not sweat everything. Sometimes it interferes and causes me to procrastinate. The worst part is that I view movies, television, and video games, as a distraction, and honestly, a waste of time. With that being said, it’s usually something I indulge in after work as a way to relax and unwind…

What’s even crazier is the fact that I am a filmmaker. I just feel that if I indulge too much on watching something or keeping myself distracted, I’m wasting time. I don’t even know if that’s part of me trying to keep myself care in check as well. I feel that there’s too many times that we get distracted from the end goal. While I’ve been trying to get to an end goal, I know that I’ve let little things in life distract me.

However, I’ve been doing somethings lately that I feel will take the things I’ve been working on, to another level, and soon. It’s crazy to know that consistency is key. You hear that all the time through coaches and trainers. I hear it from my buddy AJ Jackson all the time in his Instagram posts. He’s a successful personal trainer, and a talented musician as well. Well, what’s stopping me, you may ask?

As my last blog was about the fear of failure, I think that sometimes I get in my own mind about how success could also change me. The truth is, I struggle with my own insecurities, and at this moment, I finally have hit a switch that has me running on full cylinders, and I’m charged for what’s going to be coming out.

Covid-19 has put a damper on some of the plans we’ve had as a film company, however, we’re in meetings every week. We’re coming up with ideas so that we can come out swinging as soon as restrictions are lightened up and this pandemic ends. The plan is too be busy during my time away from work. With that, I’m expanding my team, so that we can have more time to focus on other areas. I’ve made contact with someone who has an interest in editing, and I hope to make good friends with him, and be able to teach him something about the tricks to editing. That way I could concentrate on the writing and filming, while the editing can be done at about the same time.

That means more time to film, that means more time to create, which in turn, equals a faster turn around to bring out content. The other thing I’m trying to do is add people to the team that would be in the various stages of the whole process. I need some people to take some of the reigns during pre-production, and be involved with out the rest of the production, but I also need people for the specifics on the various stages. I hear my friend and brother Ed in my head, and he keeps telling me to get rid of some of my hats. That’s been difficult to do, because it’s been hard to get rid of certain hats that I don’t want in the first place. I think that I’m going to be finding the right people for this as well.

Getting back onto the topic of what’s going on with my family at the moment, I just would like to remind people that life really is too short. A given example is that my oldest child is nineteen, my middle is almost fifteen, and my youngest is twelve. Where the hell did all that time go? I know that my depression kept me from living life to the fullest for the longest time, but I’m gonna do my best to make it up. As for connecting with the rest of those family members that do wan to have me as a part of their lives, I will do my best to be available and I will be there the best that I can.

As more of the details come forth, I will keep everyone updated. Good or bad. That’s the way I’ve always tried to roll with my audience. Thank you for taking that time out to read the “going-ons” in my life, and as always, I hope that you find some value in what I write. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Winning with Failure

I recently applied for a job, that I thought I had in the bag. I was told why I didn’t get it, and I accept that. I had this feeling that it might not have been the way for my life to be headed. I was looking forward to working with one of my best friends, however, I think that I have to pressure other avenues.

I know that rejection is one of the hardest things for anyone having to deal with it. It keeps people from growing, and trying new things. The fear keeps people trying to keep things the same. People who have depression probably have it the worst, especially since the “darker times”, self-worth is at it’s lowest. I’ve been there.

Some people can’t handle criticism either, which is different than rejection, yet can at times feel the same. I know that from my own personal experience, I prefer criticism over rejection, as I’ve found that criticism makes for a great teacher for improvement. I guess that rejection can end up being the same kind of teacher.

At times, criticism can be hard to handle, especially if it’s something on the character of a person. I’ve had issues hearing about how stubborn that I can be. I mean, I know that I’m stubborn, I just don’t need it pointed out. All joking aside though, it’s about self-improvement. I think that my over compensation of insecurity by having an ego, was perhaps one of the hardest pills to swallow. I think this is my biggest downfall, as I’m stubborn, and usually don’t want to hear it.

All these criticisms and rejections can be a bit much to handle, yet as one to try and find a silver lining in most situations, I suggest turning the perspective around and really see where the improvement can be made. I was fortunate enough to know the person doing the job interview, and I didn’t take it personally, I just wanted to know what I could do to improve. That person told me, and now that I will do much better when I decide to pursue different avenues.

Remember that life has so many opportunities to grow. I’ve spent the better part of the last six-years trying to become someone better than I was. For the most part, I think that’s true. I still have my moments of doubt, which is funny because it hits a bit different now. I think the biggest thing that still gets me is that I have those days where I see myself at that four-hundred-and-thirty-pound person that I was.

I think that we are our biggest enemies. We criticize ourselves into thinking that we’re not good enough. We reject the notion that we’re worthy of anything good. I think that is where an inflated ego comes from, at times. I know that I went on doing that as a way to shield myself from the way I truly saw myself inside. Self acceptance was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

The way we think and realizing that we need to find a better way to view things is even harder. Our relationships, not only with ourselves, but with others can often be affected. I know people who “can do no wrong” and that “it’s everybody else’s fault”. That’s often the hardest type of person anyone can deal with. I’ll admit, that while I’ve grown to accept myself, I’ll even say that my relationship with who I am has improved, I wouldn’t want to actually hang around anyone completely like me. I have those friends, who do enjoy my company, and I’m thankful for that more than they’ll ever know, because I drive myself crazy at times.

I think that’s why my oldest and I clash at times. She is her “daddy’s girl”. I love her, because she’s smart, kind, and I feel that she’s probably a better person than I’ll ever be, but God damn, if she doesn’t frustrate me with her stubbornness. It’s her razor sharp wit that gets me. I find it to be one of the greatest things, yet I get frustrated because I would respond the same way at things. She’s got a passion that drives her interests in her life, and I couldn’t think of anything better.

I hope that by my example, that my children can learn to turn rejection and criticism into something positive. I hope that from my mistakes as a parent, they can become better than I ever was. I think that’s a desire that most parents have, to have their children become better, and do better than we ever did.

Coming back to the point of rejection, another way it cam be positive, is by rejecting our past selves. I reject the fact that I was an addict to self-medicating with food. I reject that I was close minded to other ideas and thought when I was younger. I get into my own head more often then I care to admit, but I reject being a prisoner there. I did so much damage to myself with an environment that tried to break me and end my life. The environment was inside my head. Yes, there were more factors coming from external negative energies, but I had to learn to process what was going on.

Update:

Since I started the final cut of The Driver Episode One: Handle Your Business, Mr. Ballenger(2020), I realized that failure really is something that can make us all better. I’m not saying that I failed at bringing it out, on the contrary, I just see that what I can do better, and we, as a company can do better. I believe that’s the way things should be no matter the circumstance that might happen in life. I call it finding the silver linings, I know that it might sound a bit of a cliche, however it’s the best way to help survive.

I know that’s how I’ve been coping with our current situation in life. I’ve heard so much about how people feel oppressed, and we should be able to do whatever we need to do for our own sanity and economy. I look at it like this. I’m not looking at the negative, I look at it like this: I’ve saved so much money since I’ve had to stay home. As a matter of fact, I’ve been able to pay off some of my bills during this time.

Yes, I miss going to the movies, and I miss going out of town to do window shopping or getting things that I can’t in my town, yet I have saved money. To me, it’s about finding where the priorities lie. I have family members that compromised immune systems, and I put my focus into other things, that have helped me tolerate my time at home.

I think working the nightshift helped me not worry about most of this pandemic, because I had not been wide awake most of the time being on a nighttime schedule. However, I had experienced some relaxed restrictions and did take a trip out of town a few weeks ago. It felt weird, and in a way that made me think that it wasn’t going to be normal in the way we used to have it. I think we’re into a point where we’ll be having a new normal once all is over.

In the end, we all need to look at the opportunities, especially the negative, and see if we can find a positive answer to all that we can get from this. Remember, I commonly use the ten-percent to ninety-percent ratio on how life’s out of your control, compared to how you react to it. Once that point of view is taken into consideration, it seems that life becomes that much easier to handle.

I know that the blogs are still lagging a bit, but I’m going to attempt to bring them out more often once again. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

Life Gets Busy

I was working on the nightshift for the last eight-months, and for the last three-weeks, I’ve been fortunate to be on a better schedule with work. I like the swing-shift because it’s the only shift that doesn’t deal with four-in-the-morning. I hate that hour, and my son has referred to it as the farmer’s hour. He says that there shouldn’t be anyone up at that time of the day…unless you’re a farmer.

I get my full weekends back and to me that’s a glorious thing. Work goes by so much faster, and I’m getting back on a living schedule. My workouts are starting to get back to where they need to be, and I continue to study to get my personal trainers certification. I am busy.

As with everything else in life, things have taken unexpected turns, here and there. I had recently lost a long time associate of mine to Covid-19 related complications. She was my former pastors wife. Yeah, I have friends on both sides of the aisle when it comes to the opinion of if Covid-19 is real, and yes I’ve heard both sides of how deadly they think it really is, but the truth is, those who’ve said they don’t believe, haven’t had been affected by it themselves yet.

I don’t mean that contracting it is the only way, but by a family member. I’ve seen people change their opinion once something like that has happened to a cousin, or a grandparent. It’s sad that is what it all comes down to sometimes. Welcome to a reactive society, That’s not to say that I’m not at fault for being this way at times as well.

I hate going to the hospital, getting checked out. It’s inconvenient and honestly there are times that I’d rather not know. I’ve gotten better over the years about going when I have to, and not just tough it out. I also realize that I’m getting of the age where, I’m going to have to get more check-ups and have the more uncomfortable examinations done. I guess that’s part of the price for getting older.

I accept the fact that I’m getting older, after everything I went through, I’m a survivor. I almost wasn’t here six-years-ago. I almost took my own life. Why? Because I hated myself, and I had all this negative energy around me that I couldn’t breathe. Back then, I didn’t really believe in energies like that, but as I’ve gone on this journey, I’m believing in a lot more now than I ever used too.

That’s why I want to be positive. I’ve heard quoted often, What you speak, you put into the world. I don’t want to be negative, and I don’t want to be that guy who talks shit about people. I want to be better, and there are times that I’ve fallen back into bad habits, however, I try and continue to strive forward with growth.

One of those ways, was that I found a love of education, knowledge is something that helps me to continue on the path of personal maturity. I figured that with getting my personal training certificate, that it’s another notch that I can add to the CK Project. It’ll help me, help others, and I know that I want to specialize in bariatric weight loss. I kind of do that anyway, since people have been looking at the changes that I’ve gone through over the last several years.

I can’t believe that I had my surgery almost three-years-ago. It’s crazy on the journey that I’ve taken, so much has changed. Besides feeling better physically, mentally I’m better. My goals are more in focus, and confidence is up. This was the win, and yes, I would do it all over again if I had too.

That’s not to say that it hasn’t had down times. I mean I think that the recovery of my surgery was mentally one of the toughest things I had ever gone through. Honestly, even today, I have noticed that I’ve fallen back on a few bad habits. I think the biggest thing there, is the fact that I’m more aware of it, and I’m trying to break myself of those old habits.

I think the year 2020 has been a bit more of a train wreck for the world than most years. We’re dealing with a pandemic, a virus that not much is known about, and political/social events that’s changing the way I personally view people.

I know that we’ll come out of this, and we’ll get some sense of normalcy that people seem to be in desperate need of. I just don’t think that it’s going to be the normal everyone seems to be looking for. Why would I ever say that? Why would I wish that things wouldn’t go back to everyone’s definition of normal?

Remember I said that what you speak, you put into the world? That doesn’t mean that I’m trying to doom anyone to being stuck in this strange new life of social distancing, and “oppression”. I’m just trying to be realistic with my expectations. I know that this isn’t something that everyone wants to hear, yet that’s my feeling on the subject.

Life goes on, that’s something people should find comfort in. Even if this pandemic continues on for a bit longer, it will eventually be something that we’ll be able to deal with in a more productive manner. This has been a great time to reflect and get things done that needed to be done. Also with the odd things that have come with being stuck at home, it was a good time to try new hobbies that people might have wanted to learn. I know that I decided to get back into writing and developing things, and becoming busier with learning about the sciences behind personal training.

That’s something that I’ve been enjoying, yet it’s caused me to put my focus in several directions, and I don’t feel like I’m getting anything done anymore. Some of the stuff that I am learning has been kind of surprising that I should have already know some of it. The big thing is that finding out the different training styles to get the right effects for the training.

Side note: This blog has taken me a few days to get finished, and I’m not going to lie, it feels like I’ve used the whole life gets busy thing before. I’m going to try and not be like that from now on and keep posting. I’ve been struggling with getting everything in order since I got off the nightshift, and I’m still adjusting to the idea that I can get things done again. Eight months was so long to with the nightshift, and I’m still trying to used to actually getting content out as I will be getting more stuff done.

I’ve got a podcast on the brain, unfortunately, it seems that even our weekends have kept us from producing them. I will be doing on as soon as I can, I promise.

I think that I want to say a few things that we do have coming up with the content. As you all may know, I’ve been working on a project that I call The Driver, well it’s still in post production as I’ve been a bit busy with other things, and it’s not like we can really do a whole lot during the pandemic, however I’ve been meeting with my team, and we’ve been coming up with somethings that we think will have people entertained once we get the go ahead to producing. One of the projects is going to be a radio show that’s got off-the-cuff humor with improv, and while we’ll be putting it out as background content for our shared universe, we’ll be giving episodes out like a podcast, and we’ll keep the uncensored stuff for a Patreon type deal.

With that being said, this blog was long over due. The podcasts are long over due, so this is the director and that’s a wrap.

What’s Been Up?

So, I’ve been MIA for a bit longer than I really wanted too. I’d like to say that it was just because being on the nightshift is what’s thrown me of schedule, but it’s been way more than that. While I would get into detail, some of it has to do with family, and with respect to them, I won’t be discussing that part of it. However, I will discuss some of the effects that has been in the way of how I’ve been.

For the last several months, I’ve been in a depressive fog, that’s kept me unmotivated, and uncreative. I’ve felt the affects of that on more sections of my life than I would ever care to have be affected by something like that. Did I want to kill myself? No, but there were times that I was angry and I didn’t like the frustrations going on in my life. My workouts suffered, my content suffered, and my work moral suffered as well.

Now, perhaps you’d like to hear what’s the change in things? I’ve taken several steps in a new direction, one of those are that I’ve enrolled in the International Sports Sciences Association Certified Fitness Trainer Certification courses. This was something that I had been thinking about for awhile, and I think that the CK Project going in this direction is the right one. So that means that I’ll be official to train others and make money as part of what I’m doing.

This also means several other things, like the fact that I’ll be learning the details on how I can break the plateau that I’d been on for what seems like forever now. It also gives me the chance to sit down and learn about the sciences of working out, and how that does change the body, which has been interesting to learn about so far. Now I’ll be able to talk more about it and have science to back my claims. It’s funny on how spot on I’ve been on a few of those points since I came into certain realizations.

Getting back into the swing of studying hasn’t been easy, after all, it’s been a few years since I was a student, and now with me working on my brands, it’s dividing my attention, and my family seems to think that I can give them most of my attention, even when I’m squeezing it in before I go to work.

One of the bright sides to work is that I’m just a week away from actually being off of the nightshift. While my intention was to get a bit of extra money to help pay off bills, which it has, as of the last several weeks, it’s seemed to be a struggle to get through. After next week, I will be on the ideal hours that I like. The other advantage that being on nights is that I was less exposed to the potential of getting Covid-19. Did you know that the nineteen is because that was the year it was discovered? Though I also had to take off almost two-weeks because I thought I had contracted the virus for a bit. I’m glad the test came back negative.

The pandemic has put some restrictions on us, and my eating habits had gone a bit down hill. My exercising motivation had gone down hill a bit too. Yet here I am, getting ready to get back in the game and return to kicking ass. Here are a few observations that I’ve picked up over the last couple of years: I rather do my exercise and training in the mornings. It helps get me going through the rest of my day that way. It helps that it also gives me time to recover throughout the day. It doesn’t make the rest of my day go easier though, as I push out my best efforts in the morning. I’ll just have to get back into the swing of things and not let myself have those late night meals that have kept me going this year. Plus, I’ll finally get back to a schedule that I’ll have a better sleep pattern. Since being on the nightshift, I’ve honestly slept like shit. Four-hours-a-day is about what I’ve been averaging, and that’s including my weekends as well.

Now here’s the kicker about my observations, I notice that I’m most creative when it’s evening time. I think I start getting more creative around five-o-clock. I remember working the dayshift, and coming home to eat dinner, ignoring television, and getting to work at my desk. That’s my outlet, and believe me, I’ve got more to say on that subject, especially with the latest project I’ve been working on.

The Geekultural Experience has probably been the one brand that’s suffered the most this year. I mean without being able to actually go to see the movies at the theater, or going to comic book conventions, it’s really limited our interactions. Quarantine hasn’t helped either because our large get togethers haven’t been able to happen. Although we did see Bloodshot on demand and it was a decent movie. I’m happy to support superhero movies, especially when it’s not Marvel or DC. Valiant has some decent titles, and I would love to see their brand get a bit more exposure.

Now, while we’ve got certain restrictions placed on us, surprisingly enough, Luckey Bom Films has actually had a pretty productive summer. While we were supposed to originally be filming Unexpected Side Trip, quarantine has prevented that from happening. I was worried that we wouldn’t be able to do anything, and with my motivation down, we didn’t do much at first. Then I came up with a no-budget idea, and decided that we would work with an even smaller crew and film something easy. Once we did that, and I had gone over the footage, I had decided that we should redo it and and make it better. We made a short called The Driver, and it was something that put me in front of the camera as well, as behind the camera stuff as well. The family was involved, and they did well on their parts, while Sarah was an assistant director on that, we were a team.

The thing about this project, was that it was originally supposed to be a one-weekend-deal, and we’d put it out. I had edited the original as a concept so that people could see what it was that I had been working on, and it’s been received quite well. Yet, I wanted to continue, and as we reshot it and I rewrote it, I just wanted to produce something better. We did well with a small team, and it was a great way to get the practice in for when we do bigger productions. I’ve turned this one-weekend-project, into something that’s going to continue for several stories, and turn it into a web series.

Now that things have gone differently than I had foreseen, the depressive fog has lifted, and I’ve been going full speed with so many things. We’re building on the brands, I’m trying to get myself in a better professional position while I’m trying to make the brands legitimate businesses. I’ve also seen some of the film crews talent grow and find unexpected positions in their jobs, that will make things flow so much better in the end.

I wish I could have said that this was a smooth year, and everything was great, but it’s been kind of rough on everybody, and I’ve seen an ugliness come out of people that I thought were better than what they had shown. It’s a sad part of life, but it’s a reality we all must face. At least I’ve not given up, and I sure as hell hope that you’re not giving up. We got this!

Any way, I’ll try and not be so long away again. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

Wear Your Damn Mask

So, I had been feeling very tired for the last week, and my breathing has been a bit labored. Yesterday morning, I got tested for Covid-19. As someone who’s not gotten very sick since I lost so much weight, that this was concerning. Unfortunately, I have to wait ten-to-fourteen-days until I get my results. The reason that I had noticed anything was that my eldest had mentioned to my wife that she had lost sense of taste and smell.

As I thought about it, I had noticed that I had been tired while getting closer to the time that I would go to work. I thought that it was just because I sleep like shit anyway. That’s been something that has been going on my whole life any way. Nightshift doesn’t really help anything as it is. Then I started noticing other things like a headache on a regular basis.

The other thing that got me was that I noticed that my breathing wasn’t normal. You know how it feels different breathing while you’re sick? That the air just doesn’t seem to go through as easy? Well, that’s exactly as I’ve been feeling.

Now the sad part is that this pandemic is very real. I’ve known several people personally to have had it. People at my work as well, but the real issue is that somehow it’s become political. While I usually try to avoid politics, when I involve the CK Project, I do have somethings to say on this subject. The sad part is that I have people on both sides of this argument.

Look, I get that wearing a mask “seems” to infringe on your “freedom”, but let’s face fact, all the conspiracy theories and how you’re not going to be a “sheep”, just makes you come off like an asshole. Seriously, doctor’s wear masks for hours at a time in an operation room, you really think a thirty-minute trip is going to kill you?

Oh yeah, it’s a political ploy so by November, it’s just going to disappear. Look, the numbers aren’t exactly matching up, and it’s “not that bad”, and I get that, but it’s still early in the process. Hell, we’re probably close to a year into the exposure to Covid-19, is it comparable to the Spanish Flu? Well, that did last over two-years, so those stats are final, this isn’t.

The worst part about all of this is, are that mistakes are being made and the numbers aren’t to be trusted. Why? Again because it’s political, and I’ll say that money being involved with the stats, kind of keep it political as it is. I mean, the “mighty dollar” is what runs everything. So, we’re getting fucked because of it.

I’m scared, and not for myself, but for my family members because their immune systems suck. My oldest, probably got it, and it wasn’t like she was out being stupid about things. I know my kid, and she’s gonna do all she can to stay safe. Yet you have people pulling their masks down and coughing without covering their mouths(and yes, that’s a jab at that old guy at Walmart who coughed like that as I walked by).

I get why people have doubts though. It’s easier to deny the unknown, and let’s face it, people aren’t very good at dealing with life and death matters as it is. It’s so much easier when someone doesn’t have anyone they know involved, however, that narrative is starting to change. I’m seeing people start to give the warnings a bit of credence. The sad part is that if the ‘self-entitled freedom fighters” would have listened in the first place, we probably wouldn’t be dealing with the epidemic anymore. However, people are, well they are self-interested. I’ll leave it like that.

So here I am, off work for fourteen days. I tried to avoid coming in contact, however I had to get things during this time, and it was a matter of time with working during this whole thing. On the bright side, I was able to work on post production for The Driver.

It’s only test footage at this time, and it’s been great practice for myself and my crew. Visually, it’s helping me mold my character, and the visual part of the storytelling. We’ve reshot this so much and it’s been fun, and now that I can see that it’s helping me mature as a filmmaker. It’s giving Sarah sometime behind the camera as assistant director, as I’m doing both directing and acting. I’m having fun with it.

So, I’m doing all that I can to make the best of what I can, when I’m not sleeping that is. I’ve slept so much since I’ve been off, it isn’t even funny. My sleep schedule is even more shitty as it is. I’ve been averaging about three hours a night, when I go to actual bed.

With that being said, I think that this will be it for now. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

“We’re All Going Through Changes”

Change is happening all around us at all times. Change is constant, and yet it seems like something that people fear the most. With change, brings something different, sometimes better, and sometimes not. Why fear something that’s inevitable?

I look at my children, and am reminded that as they grow older, they are changing. Their personalities aren’t the same as they were as where as toddlers. They are discovering their own likes and interests, that aren’t always influenced by their parent’s tastes. Yet at the same time, I see Sarah’s and mine influences on some of those things they do like.

I’ve been going through changes, especially since I had my gastric sleeve done. My attitude has gotten better, I feel more active, more alive, and I appreciate things so much more. I think the biggest change that’s really come for me, is the self realization that the way I treated people, and the way I allowed them to treat me, wasn’t okay.

I use humor in almost all aspects of my life. The people I joke with, I know that I can have a viscous wit towards. It’s sad that if I like someone I tend to joke with them, and treat them  kind of shitty at times. If I don’t like someone, I just don’t associate with them. To those friends that I might have gone too far with, I apologize. To the one’s that I love, or have loved, I am sincerely sorry for the hurt I’ve caused in your lives. I wasn’t always the best mentally, and you’re the one’s who’ve suffered the most for it.

Regardless of how my journey goes, I have some of the best people in my life. Sarah has always been a constant reminder of the love and dedication I can find in one person. For that I’m always thankful for.  She’s always going to be a big part of me, no matter what happens in life.

Saturday ended up being a day that really caused me to reconsider so much of what had been going on. Little Chris had a seizure while we were out of town and I got so worried about him. My biggest fear is that my children pass on before I do. I think that, as I also know, that is most parent’s biggest fear. I’ve witnessed this happen to good friends of mine, and it’s the hardest thing to witness.

I know that the last several months have put perspective in my life. I want to say that the quarantine had something to do with it, but it doesn’t. I’ve been one of the people deemed “essential personal” or as some people joke, “expendable”. That’s just added more stress because I’ve got family members in my household who’ve got weakened immune systems.

At least things are semi getting back to normal. I was able to actually go back to the gym and work out. It was nice to feel myself putting in the same effort as when I had to stop. I just know that now I need to get really serious and start dropping this last stretch of weight that I’ve been holding on too. Being stuck to my own devices, and I slacked. At least I’ve stayed fairly consistent with my walks.

This year has proven to be an interesting one to say the least. I’m sure that I’m not the only one to have had my mental health tested, time and time again. Do you know what I mean? I’ve seen it on in my kids, and my wife. This hasn’t been the most pleasant experience.

Another thing that has been an eye opener, is the fact that with the Black Live Matter movement, I’ve seen the ugly come out of unexpected places. People that I would have never thought had those kinds of opinions, have shown me the substance of which they’re really made of. I’ve seen some with whom I expected to come out racist, show that they are strong allies, and I’ve seen those who, I thought were more open minded about people, show their opinions.

My thoughts are this: We are in a time where more people are “woke” to the way that the world is run. The whole thought process on the Black Live Matter movement, I wasn’t sure what I would say about it. The rioting, I had an opinion, then I saw someone stay something else, and I decided that I would listen, and try to understand that point of view. So that’s exactly what I did. When the players in the NFL kneeled at the National Anthem, I had an opinion, but then I listened. if there’s anything I can say, is that if you feel strongly one way or another, try and listen, and see if you can understand things from a different point of view.

Racism is wrong, that’s not something up for debate. It’s an old train of thought that should have died out with the Civil Rights Movement. Yet, here we are, seeing it on the news, and internet. I find it a ridiculous concept, and I’ve been discriminated against for my weight, and my economic class. I think the behaviors of the hatred I’m seeing is sad, and I’m disappointed, because I expect better of people.

This is the world we seem to live in, a toxic society that promotes hatred, and judgement, and the media tends to play both sides. I agree that police reform must be made, but that doesn’t excuse the way people come off entitled in society and think that can just be disrespectful towards authority. Again, the whole system needs to change, but it’s not that one side, there needs to be both sides trying to fix the matter, and the communications are fucked up.

We should hold each other to a higher standard, and not just because people are watching, and yes, people are watching, but because we as a people need to be better. I experience entitled attitudes at work. I experience and witness these same attitudes out in the public, while shopping. Why? Because you’re not having it your way? Because you feel inconvenienced?

Customer service is one of the most stressful jobs in the world, because you’re constantly treated like shit, and it’s usually beyond your control. I’ll go further, being a geek, I see the same common issues in the geek community. “You can’t have a black storm trooper”, I mean come on, and you fucking kidding me? As a people who’ve been discriminated against, what gives us the right to tear our people down, or show that hatred towards others?

This is why so many people are struggling with mental health issues, because someone always seems to want to tear down someone else just to feel bigger, or more important. It happens in all walks of life, LGBTQA+? Bisexuals are often discriminated against, but why? Shouldn’t we all be accepting of each other, just for the fact that we are human?

I know that this blog might not sit well with some people, and while I would hate to lose followers, if somehow I’ve offended someone that bad, I guess that’s the way it has to be. I’m gonna try not to judge anybody who’s offended, but I’m gonna also ask that if what I say has offended anyone, before you totally block, delete, call me out, try and look into yourself, and find why it is that you’re offended. Not only that, if there’s something about the situation that does offend you, please research it out for yourself, and see if you can find something more than assumptions on the subject. You might just be enlightened by what you discover.

Part of the problem I’m seeing is that we’re being lied to from all sides. The media lies, the lessons in school can be misleading. All I say is that research, and take time to actually listen to what’s going on. I don’t want anyone to be hated because of a difference of opinion. Often times I see healthy debate, degrade down to simple adolescent name calling, and that’s not getting us anywhere as a society.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap.