We’ll Ride Out the Bad Times, Because It Gets Better

The worst thing during any part of my journey through life is when the self-doubt hits. The crazy thing was that I hadn’t worked out that week, and from what I’ve been told, could very well factor into part of the why I was feeling that way. The other fact of the reason “why” could also be because of the nightshift at  work. As long as I’m staying busy in some way, the nightshift isn’t bad. However, it’s the slow times that become painful at times.

I know better, yet I also have a habit of over thinking things. I think this is part of the depressive side of me. Having the same words going through my head of not being good enough, and wondering if I am. Who else feels this way? I know that I’m not the only one. God, it sucks to know that the influential years are during the first years of school. I still carry that shit with me today.

Even though I’m out of school, and it’s been for sometime, I still can’t shakes those feelings that I had when I was a kid. I’ve tried to teach my kids not to be that way, and as far as I can tell, it’s worked alright as they are compassionate children. This is at least to the extent that I’ve been able to actually witness with their interaction with their peers. I take that as a parenting win. However, I’ve also witnessed the aftermath of them getting bullied, and I’ve had those concerns as a parent. I worried that some of the thoughts that I had as a child would be common with the one’s that they may have had.

There was a period of time, particularly when I had been going through my bad period that I was really worried about my oldest. Middle School and High School were not the kindest years to her. I’m glad that she went to home school after that instance happened.

As it happens, the other two children are also doing home school. Because of the bullying that the officials “say” they have under control and take serious. That, and also the school system in our town isn’t the best. I feel that they are now in a better curriculum and they have a better chance to thrive. Little Chris has advanced far faster within the last year than he had at his special needs school. It’s just a shame that bullying isn’t taken serious, until a kid commits suicide and bullying is the reason.

Here I am, a man in my early forties, and I still have things from my youth still ingrained in my head. I remember having a conversation with my mom and she had mentioned that she had never realized that I felt that way. That’s something that people don’t always realize, the fact that depression likes to hide itself and not burden anyone. I fell like my problems shouldn’t be anyone else’s. That and I didn’t realize at the time that she had been suffering through her own issues.

I think that’s why I preferred the swing shift. It keeps me busier and that helps me stay in a better mindset. I think that’s why I’m always creatively working on things to keep my own mind busy. That way I don’t have those moments that I feel lonely. I feel that being on the nightshift also has its advantages, I do get to concentrate on more of the things I want, as it isn’t busy like the other shifts. It’s better than the dayshift because I don’t have to get up after only four hours of sleep, however, day’s are the busiest and makes the day go by so much faster.

Mentally I had a rough week, but I started feeling better as my days were ending. I can’t believe that working out was something that helped me feel a bit more aligned. I’ve been told that working out is the best anti-depressant, and so far I believe that it is true. It has been in my case at least. I’ve seen Tweets and had conversations with people who’ve only confirmed this theory. I hate missing workouts, yet life happens and that’s just the way it happens.

On the bright side, I was able to survive that week that was busy, and now I’ve taken a weekend to actually relax. It’s something that I’ve not done in some time, and being able to play  Pokemon with the kids has been a fun bonding experience. Now, I need to get going back on the motivation train.

That was something that I did notice last week,  I was pushing and trying to get my workout in. I was doing my 100 wall push-ups, and then I did 100 squats, which burned my legs. Then working out on Wednesday, I was able to get my son involved with the workout, and then we got one again on Friday. Sam, my trainer, decided to make the kids run. Chris is a bit uncoordinated because of his disabilities, but Sam was impressed with the way Chris could run. He told me that with a little work, Chris would be an even better runner. The best part was hearing Chris complain about how his lungs burned.

Yes, my kids suffered from a good workout, and I thought it was great. I think I needed that workout to get out of the funk I was in. I should have remembered that I would get through that moment. Sometimes, it’ harder to see when you start that process. It’s like when people start to think that suicide is the only option, because in that moment, seeing the light doesn’t seem like an option. I think that’s something people don’t always understand about suicidal tendencies. I’ve heard that it’s a “selfish act” and that “it’s the cowards way out,” but unless someone’s been there, or really studied it, they don’t get it.

I look back and I realize that there are many people who have it way worse than I do. Sometimes, it’s out of their control, and they feel that pressure more because of it. Sometimes, it comes out of the choices we make as people. I’m not one who’s always made the best choices in life, but I’m also not one to run away from what I’ve done, and try and blame it on others. I accept the responsibility for my actions. I wish that I could take back some of the things I did. I wish that my mind wasn’t my greatest enemy, but these are things that I try my best to overcome. Things have gotten so much better over the last several years, I’ve gotten better control of my life, and the weight loss journey is just one of the contributing factors that have helped.

Blogging has been my mental salvation. I know that it isn’t always a subject that people are comfortable talking about, but it’s something that needs to be addressed. I think that the conversation is becoming more common and that people are being more supportive with the struggles. Yes, there are those assholes who think that bringing people who struggle down is funny, but that just goes to show where we as a society should learn to improve the way things are dealt with.

Again I say that blogging has been my mental salvation. I noticed that as I’ve gotten better mentally, I would find less to talk about. Sometimes I would struggle to get something out, and I felt like I was only half-heartedly getting out the content. This would reflect in the views of my posts, and the comments that I would receive. As I struggle to get through my journey at different points, that’s where the views and the comment come in. That’s the time where the support really shines. Yes, I occasionally get negative feedback, but I’m at a point in my life that those opinions don’t matter. The reason? Because it was those opinion that helped get me in the state I was before, and I’m not going to fall that far down ever again.

As always, the is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please like, subscribe, share. That’s the easiest and best way to show support for the project.

 

A Struggle Point After Two-Years

Last week was a crazy busy week! I had to burn the midnight oil at both ends last week. It was a week where there just weren’t enough hours to get everything done, and get the proper amount of rest in the same day. While I work a nine-at-night to a seven-in-the-morning schedule, I had other things that took my focus during the day. Monday was the day for us to get taxes done. Tuesday, after work, I had to drive, with the help of my wife, to a doctor’s appointment for my son.

Wednesday wasn’t much better, while I had taken Tuesday night off, I still had to be to work at seven-forty-five for a physical appointment. I was fortunate that my bosses let me leave half-way through my shift on Thursday night, so that I could travel to meet some one who was four hours away on Friday. As you can see, my week kept me busy.

We got to spend a few hours with someone who I had known online for about twenty-years. This lady was my first internet friend, and had been a person who had been there for me when I needed some advice. First, as a newly discovered father, who wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing. Then, as someone who had kept me sane through bouts of boredom on the slow days at work. She’s been there for me and Sarah for a long time, and for this, I love her.

This is why I hadn’t gotten anything constructive done in the content department since last week. The plus part is that I got to see my long time friend the weekend before take his first steps going towards the weight loss journey.

Now, it’s time to get to the subject at hand: two-plus-years since my surgery, and I’m struggling. I’m seemingly stuck at 265 for weight since May of last year. Yes, I’ve gotten below it, however I always seem to come back to this weight, and it’s frustrating. I’ve also seemed to have lost motivation for some of the things that I was striving to get too. I’m always struggling to keep myself positive anymore.

One thing that has struck me in the biggest way is the fact that I don’t want to promote at work anymore. I’ve decided that I need to go another way, until I can start supporting myself with the CK Project and Luckey Bom Films. I guess that I’m just tired of feeling negativity in the environment around me.

Maybe this is part of the reason I’ve been feeling that way? I know that I’ve been dealing with people and it seems that some of them just suck the positive energies out of me. This isn’t easy for me to deal with as I’ve got my own demons to deal with, and while I try to help people, I think that I might have to step away for a while and refocus.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in my own head, searching for answers that I just can’t seem to come up with. I know that the weight loss journey is worth it, and that I will over come these hurdles that are holding me down, it’s just being in my own head is the hard part. It feels that I’m searching for something more, and the problem is, I’m not sure what that “more” is. Why do I have to feel like my own worst enemy all the time?

I’ve been thinking about more about this then I should have to give the energy too. Maybe this is apart of the transition? I have a level of tolerance that’s been pushed, and the bullshit is just getting too much. Yet, at the same time, I hear that I need to have patience, and that’s not something I’m always good at. Then I find that some level of depression keeps me from going and pursuing some of my other goals. This struggle is always a back-and-forth with me.

On the positive side, at least self-harm isn’t a factor in my thought process anymore. That’s probably the biggest part of my progress that I can call a win. Suicidal ideology isn’t a laughing matter, and to have that thought process since the age of seven is a bigger tragedy. I think it’s a bigger tragedy that we have lived in a toxic society that encourages a system of worth based on a superficial check list. Poor? “You have no worth”. Fat? “You’re lazy, and have no worth”. Weird? Strange? Unpopular? I think that my point is made. This is something ingrained at a young age.

I will overcome this current mindset, I know this. It’s just somedays the light at the end of the tunnel is hard to see. Sometimes the path isn’t always the clearest, and it makes the journey hard to see. Looking back, I’ve come a long way, and this isn’t just something that I chose to do on a whim. I’ve been working on this for almost six-years, and I’ve come a long way. This is something that nobody but myself and take away from me.

I know that I won’t stop, I just struggle, and I’ve seen something that happens with many weight loss surgery patients that I know. It seems that after awhile, they get complacent and let the weight go back up. I don’t want to be one of those people. I like the way I feel, and I want to continue to improve, and I want to become the best version of myself. I think that’s a goal worthy of obtaining.

Sometimes, we can’t understand why people would lose motivation to do things. Life isn’t always kind to us. I feel that so much can happen to us in our lives that it’s not always in easy to keep up the positive vibes. Life happens, people get sick, and it takes a toll. Sometimes, you have well intentioned people who come into your life, and yet their needs tend to drain the energy from you because their issues are too much for them to control. As much as I’m all about the ninety-percent is about reactions to the situation, sometimes the persistence can chip away and eventually break someone down. Maybe this is a boundary thing that I have to set? Maybe I need to tell people that I can’t give them the “spoons” required to help feed into their troubles because it’s becoming too much for me.

I’m always an advocate for mental health, and I’m always one to show support for another person, especially in their time of need, but sometimes it gets too much. I feel guilty because it’s not something that I think that I can get continue on providing the help. The conversation is always the same, and I think that I’m at the point where I’m just done with it. Maybe stepping away from that conversation is what is needed to preserve the friendship? Maybe, it will be so offensive to the person that it ruins the friendship? I’d hate for that to happen, because I hate losing people in my life. Sometimes that’s the way it goes though. If they’re a real friend, they’ll respect that boundary though. Lord knows that I’ve been hear with people before, and while I’ve lost friends over it, I’ve been better off without them in the end.

As I write this, I’m actually feeling a bit better, which is part of the reason I started blogging in the first place. I will continue to improve myself, but the path isn’t always a smooth one, and I am a person who is constantly filled with self-doubt. I will struggle and I will have days that I fail, but it isn’t failure unless I give it up. That’s not something I plan on doing, because I spent too much time being trapped in a body that I didn’t feel like it was mine. If anyone is questioning, no, I’m not doing this because of the way anybody else might have perceived me, but I hated the feeling of not feeling in control of myself.

This is the director and that’s a wrap.

The Swim

I’m out of town with a friend today with a friend who’s going in to have some tests done because he’ll be going through the gastric sleeve surgery in a couple of months. To say that I’m excited for him, is an understatement, as I know how much his life is going to change. We are standing out of town for the night as he has to be at the doctor’s office at five-thirty in the morning. I will be his ride home from his endoscopy.

We went out to dinner and decided to go for a walk to get some steps in, but the best part is when we got back to the motel, I checked out the pool. It had a warmer temperature then I was expecting, and I decided to go for a swim. Something I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned in my blogs is that I’m a fan of swimming. If there’s one activity that I love, it’s the fact that I love swimming more than anything else. I would do it all day, everyday.

I haven’t gone swimming since I had my surgery, and I was glad that I had the opportunity to do so. It was the best feeling in the world to feel my body surrounded by water. I’m someone that loves to be anywhere that my feet aren’t touching the solid ground. I love the water, and I love flying. Even though I spend my time more on the ground, any chance I get I’ll go to the water, or air.

The better part was that as I was swimming, I loved the way I felt. I felt so much stronger in the water. I haven’t felt quite like that since I was at my peak condition in the tenth grade. It felt amazing to push myself through the water and just keep going without being tired. I felt like a machine crawling through the water. I miss that feeling. It’s surprising how free I feel being in the water. I spent most of my childhood around the water. The ocean in specific. I remember going to the beaches in Okinawa as a boy and spending all day in the water.

I officially learned to swim in fourth or fifth grade, and I never went back. The pool was huge, and the diving board was high. It felt like twenty feet deep, and the board seems just as high. I jumped off that board, and I would dive have way down to depth of the pool. I don’t even know how deep or high it really was, but I loved it.

I have so many great memories surrounding a pool. I remember how I would spend most of my summer having out at the pool. I would swim and check out the girls. I remember the girlfriends that I made while hanging at the pool. I remember the girl I first fell in love with. The friendships I had made during that time.

Again, I wish I could go find a pool and swim everyday. I find peace in the water surrounding my body. It’s another way that I feel that I connect spiritually. This is something I find myself discovering more; my spirituality. I don’t really have time for organized religion, as I’ve come to question most things about it, but believing in some higher power is there, and I’m finding my connection with the spirit more and more.

To quote a friend, he once said to me,”religion is for people who are afraid to go to hell, spirituality is for those who’ve already been there.” It’s amazing how much something like that can connect with the soul. I find myself realizing that water is part of that connection between me and the spiritual world.

The experience from tonight’s swim has given me some time to reflect on the way I’ve been feeling. I feel like the water has washed over some of the doubts, and negative feelings that I’ve been having gnawing at my mind lately. The rush of the water surrounding me as I was gliding through the water felt like a baptism of renewed positivity. It was something that I didn’t know that I really needed.

I’ve been the positive person in front of people, motivating, and keeping my physical self in the process of getting better. There are other things that I’ve not been in sync with for sometime. I still struggle with my confidence. It’s gotten so much better, but there are those days that I still feel like that person who was 430 pounds. I have the days I feel fat, and unattractive. I realize that it sounds silly, but I think we all have those days.

That’s not to say that I have those days very often, but I know that it comes up during times of higher stress. There are factors both of my own design and outside that have been putting me at a slightly elevated. The positive thing is that I’m trying to take the steps that are needed to reduce those factors from influencing me. That means that when I’m successful in what direction I’m heading in, there will be some major changes coming and I have to be prepared for them to happen. Some of these changes could dramatically alter the future for my family. Some are changes that are minor, but will make me a better person for.

I’m looking forward to seeing my hard work pay off, and I welcome the journey that will get me there. It’s never really the beginning or the end that shows us the things we need to know and learn. It’s the journey that gets us there. The struggles, the times where we feel like we want to just break down and give up. I’d been there many times. I wanted to say that I’m done, what’s the use of trying. This was the way I was before I started to change. I had to fight with myself, and I had to keep fighting with myself to keep going.

It really sucks when you give into those thoughts about not being good enough. When feeling like you don’t belong. That’s something that I think the water helped me understand tonight. I needed to let go of the doubt, and just let things happen. I need to believe that I will continue to get the good things that I speak. I am worth that damn.

Life gets complex as I have been filled with these doubts, I’ve also been rewarded by seeing the positive influence that I’ve had on people around me. I would say that the influence of one or two people was good, however I’ve been seeing it more and more lately. Double digits at that, and now I’m in awe that I’ve started something that makes me happy and continues to fill me with such a great joy.

Even with the doubts and struggles, it reminds me that I’m living the best me. I shouldn’t have the doubt that I do, and I matter. I think that’s something many of us strive to have, the feeling of making a difference in the world. So far, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do, and I will continue doing it for as long as I can. Why? Because people matter to me, and seeing the struggles just makes that more cemented in my mind that I want to help make that difference.

Please, like and subscribe to my blog. It helps to remind me that I’m doing the job that I set out to do. You can follow the CK Project  podcast at https://anchor.fm/CkProject. Like and subscribe to that too. I love to know that people are paying attention. Plus it helps let other people know that someone actually pays attention, and then it just snowballs into a bigger ball, and soon I’ll be able to do more with the brand. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Feeling of Failure

I went in for another check-up this weekend with West Medical. It’s been two-years and two months since I went through this whole process. I went in and had a gain of six-pounds. That was just from the last check-up last month. I can probably make as many excuses on why that was. One being that they had just moved and probably hadn’t calibrated the scale, two, maybe because I’ve been having issues with my bowls. Yet, I’m not going to make those excuses.

I know that I’m not going to hit a home run every single time that I go in, and being stuck in the same area since May of last year has been frustrating. Plus, I’ve been going to get togethers over the last several weekends and I haven’t kept myself in check with the eating. On top of that this week just wasn’t the best week to get my workouts in.

This was my second week on the nightshift, and it felt a bit more difficult to be adjusted too than the first week. Again, I’m not making excuses, I just know that I need to work harder and stay more consistent with what I’m doing. Hell, my streak for 10,000 plus steps a day finally came to an end as of Sunday. I wasn’t feeling it, and honestly I felt like it was a day to kind of throw myself a bit of a pity party.

It made for a slightly depressed weekend for me, and I know that I’m better than that. I had a brief moment of wanting to give it all up. After working hard for the last two years, I felt it. I’ve been feeling a bit on the fat side lately too, and it hasn’t helped my case at all. As of the Super Bowl, I did get a little carried away on the food again. I didn’t gorge myself like I would have in the past, but I also realize that when I get a bit over full, I become really tired, and that’s not a good sign.

I didn’t do an update picture, or announcement because I’m ashamed that I let myself get carried away. I’ve had a period of weakness, but I’m not done with this journey by a long shot. I am trying to find that determination to pick myself back up and continue on this path which has made me far more happier than I thought I would be.

Like all journeys, we struggle along the way. I find myself in doubt often. With that has come a lot of self-realization. I realize that there’s a lot of phycological baggage that seems to want to weigh me down as I go through this. I also realize that I’m stronger than I think I am. I need to find that balance and get that resolve back.

I look back at all the things that I’ve done, and I see where I am in relation to what I started at. I like pushing myself, I like that feeling that I get after a good workout. I’m liking the way my body looks more and more. I just don’t like the days were I feel fat and unattractive.

That’s something that I find different, is the fact that I actually don’t think I’m ugly like I used to be. Years of negative talk had kept me down. Even when I try to make others feel better about themselves. I think I would be that way to mask the fact that I didn’t like myself so much.

I actually did a podcast on relationships on Saturday night https://open.spotify.com/show/0Zy347qxMYe8Py7W3eVIAA. If you’ve never heard one of my podcasts, please listen. I’d appreciate feedback on the subject of how relationships are never truly equal, and relationships with ourselves change like that too. I notice that once I actually took the time to start investing in myself, that I started liking myself so much more than I had.

Why is it that it seems like we are our own biggest critic? We are our own worst enemy about most decisions in life? I have been surrounded by negative energy my whole life, while I’ve been loved and had positive things as well. It’s the negative that always seems to stick out to me. Is this a way that the mind gets programmed to hove the thoughts that we do? Society isn’t kind to us in that respect, and it’s a shame that we don’t seem to want to treat each other better as a whole.

As I write this, I’m finding something inside of me that wants to keep pushing forward. I’ve got so much that I want to do, and I know that there are things that are preventing me from my utmost potential, for an example, I sprained my ankle a while back and was trying to take it easy, but as I felt that I could work it again, it would pop, and hurt. This was up until one of my last training sessions. Yet, I’m going to get on this and get past my negative, and self-sabotage. I will win, because in the end I don’t have any other option.

It’s funny how much more I feel that I take on for myself, partly it’s because it’s a distraction from being this ball of depression. I get to a point that concentrating on just a few things has gotten me to seem like I have to squeeze other essential parts in between those tasks that I’m already doing.

I have to take care of family, which I would never deny, self-care, and get my creative endeavors going. It sometimes feels like it can be a bit overwhelming, and I know that I do this to myself. It’s gotten better as I used to start things and never get around to completing them. Now, if it’s something I really want to work on, I write it down. Then I’ll see something and it just adds to me adding more projects, and stories. My walking everyday, my working out, is the moment that I work on my temple and spend time in my spiritual world.

I had a hard time actually wanting to write this blog, because I love talking about the good things going on with my weight loss journey. Though I would be be phony if I didn’t talk about the bumps in the road. As I look back at what the CK Project  is, I see how things have changed. I see that it went from just about weight loss, then to mental health, to a hodgepodge of both of those worlds.

This blog has helped me in so many ways as  therapy, and there have been times that things had been going so good, that I had no idea what I was going to write. For those who do follow and read, from the bottom of my heart, I do appreciate you. Sarah, I know that you, as my wife are usually one of those who read them first, as you follow, like and support everything I do. Keep staying with me through this I appreciate it, and I hope you find enlightenment from it. If you have any questions, statements, or whatever, please feel free to reach me at ckproject@zohomail.com. Any interaction is good, and it keeps me wanting to do more, and try to be the tool that will help guide people in their troubled times.

Good or bad, I will keep telling my story, and I’m going to do my best not to be something that I’m not. This is the director, and that’s a wrap. Please, like and subscribe.

 

 

Fourteen Years Of What?!

Today’s my son’s birthday. In the fourteen years that he’s been in my life, I’ve learned so much. There was so much unknown about how he would turn out, being for pre-mature, and everything has been a lesson in itself. Watching him in the first few years, we didn’t realize that he was different.

Autumn, being born four-and-a-half-years before was a far easier experience. She was mostly independent, and such a loving and smart kid. Chris, while loving, has always depended on us for so much.  As a parent, it’s striking to see how very different these two would be at such a young age.

Little Chris was born six weeks early, and between the two pregnancies, his birth seemed much quicker than his sisters. He just ended up spending so much more time in the hospital, because he was jaundice. Three weeks, and Sarah was having fits about not having him home. 

At the age of six, we found out that Chris was high functioning autistic. We also discovered that he has a slight mental delay. This made since because it explained why it was so difficult to get him potty-trained. Before we knew this, I just thought his stemming was a quirk. Frustratingly, hearing the professional say that my son was mentally retarded was a difficult thing to hear. I mean, who wants to hear that about their children?

With that being said, watching him in the proper educational environment has proven that he’s smart. Yes, he can be a little slow, but he’s brilliant. Just spend time with him, and listen to his views on life and other things. Sometimes he speaks and I wonder where he got the observations that he has.

Autumn, was my first child, and she makes me so proud with everything she’s overcome. I know that we don’t always get along, and that’s the fact that she’s way too much like me, but I love her to death, and I will always be there for her.

Chris and his special needs have tested me in patience and understanding. He shows me a love and loyalty that makes me want to be an even better person. I’m proud to have seen how much he has overcome as well, and continues to mature and become his own person. 

We do so much together, and it’s fun that he actually likes hanging out with me. We play video games together, and he works for me when I film. It’s amazing to see how fast he’s progressed in the last year, I was always afraid that he was always going to fall so far behind and never catch up, but the last several months have shown that he has the aptitude to over come those things that life has thrown at him. When he started out this school year, he was technically in seventh grade, however due to his special needs, he was only at a third grade, middle of the school year level. As of his last report, as of a few days ago, he’s up to a fifth grade level in most of his work.

Think of the things he accomplished. It’s something that we all should take into account when it comes to life. If the deck is stacked against you, you can overcome it with motivation and determination. Too often in life, we find it easier to quit and not put in any effort. Sometimes, it’s easier to try and put the blame for our problems on other people. It would be easier, but that doesn’t mean that it’s better. 

This kid has been there every step of the way, just like the rest of my family. He does everything to make sure that I keep honest with what I do, and he tries to keep me motivated in all aspect of this weight loss journey. Often times, he’s the one who goes on walks with me, and we talk about various aspects in life. The most common subjects usually revolve around professional wrestling, or superheroes. We’ve gotten into discussions about politics and filmmaking. I love to hear his thoughts and opinions on these subjects. I’m always fascinated by the fact of what he learns about these things.

He is fourteen, and it blows my mind just how short of time we actually have to enjoy these little creatures, before they become adults. I mean, my oldest is already half-way to her nineteenth year. She’s now an adult and looking to move forward in her life. She’s looking for a job and going to school for a career. 

I see that they both have general ideas on what they want to be when they grow up, and how they want to impact the world they live in. I wish I had remembered that I had some sort of direction on what I really wanted to do back then. Autumn wants to work for Disney and my son wants to have his own restaurant. I love to see them start to explore their chosen paths.

In contrast, the things I wanted to do was be involved with entertainment. I wanted to be a singer, and own my own record label. Life got in the way, and I discovered that I preferred acting to music, even though I have a deep love for performing music. The truth is, I find that being a visual storyteller seems to fit me way better.

If he ever gets to read this blog, or, I know his mom will. I’m going to leave some imparting words to my second born: Christopher, we’ve been through so much as a family. I see that you’ve struggled, and have been frustrated with the difficulties put into your life. You’re stronger and smarter than I could ever give you credit for. I’m proud to see the man you are becoming. Truth is, you’re inspiring not only to me, but those around you. Your love of music matches mine, and it’s always great to see that you have a love of crooner music thatI find fascinating. Keep shooting for the stars and reach higher than you think you can. People aren’t always going to root for you, but your parents will and we can’t wait to see where you’re going to go through this journey in life. 

As a side note: I knew from about the age of twelve that I would want children. I don’t know if it came from the fact that I was raised as an only child, but that feeling of being paternal was there. I’m just fortunate to find a woman like Sarah, who decided that I would be worthy enough to build a life with and have two of the best kids ever. I kind of pictured having three, and while she’s not mine by blood, our niece Lily is that third child that I wanted. While she has had a rough life in the beginning, I can only hope that she has learned and taken to heart the lessons that I’ve tried to provide her. There’s always a better way in life. 

With that, this is my team, they’ve been there all the way since I started to turn my own life around. I’ve got the most loving children, even if they’ve picked up on my humor, and have become assholes in their own way. I love them and wouldn’t change much about how things have gone. Why, you might ask? Because the positives are good to have, but the negatives are the necessary to traverse to become better humans.

This is the director, and that’s a wrap. 

Remember to like and subscribe to this blog, and follow me on the various social medias, because I appreciate the fact that you would take the time to share my thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m Not Your Door Mat

I’ve mentioned how I’ve been changing in both physically and mentally. I mean the weight loss has been obvious, and I’m navigating the new found confidence that I’ve been getting. Mentally, I’m far healthier than ever, but it’s the fact that observing the way others have treated me, is where things have gotten a bit trickier.

In the job that I do, it’s very customer service driven. I mean if you look at it, what job isn’t? Movies are the same thing. You put a story together for a specific audience, that’s why most superhero movies are rated PG-13 and more family friendly. Yes, there are exceptions, but in general, they’re geared to a family audience.

Back to the story though: the people I tend to deal with come across as both impatient and entitled. They also often times expect way more then they should, and expect us to work harder and put unnecessary tasks, that aren’t apart of our job. I was one who would get bullied for “not doing enough”, and that was were some of my depression issues manifested from.

The point that I think I should make clear is that nobody should ever be felt that they aren’t enough. Yes, there are those who we all work with that would like to do the minimum and just be there to get a pay check, but that doesn’t mean that anyone should treat you like you have less value than you do. I know at my lowest point mentally, I would allow that feeling to be validated by those people around me. When I was feeling like a burden, that kind of behavior just seemed to agree with the way I was already feeling.

That was the past though, and if anything has been shown since I started blogging, is that I won’t allow my past to define who I am. That’s something we all should need to remember that our past does not define us. Why should we let something that was a mistake be the defining factor in the definition of our lives? Everyone has a bad moment, and life should be about growth. I found that something like this is where my life needed to change.

Now getting to this point took time to develop, and lots of self-realization to get there. When I finally got to this point, I knew that I needed to change. I knew that I needed something to help me become better than I was. When I decided that I had to accept responsibility for my own actions, and that I wanted something better, growth was the only way to go.

We live in an ugly world, and the truth is that you have people who would rather put you down, and watch you lose, then see you prosper and be successful. Why is that? Why would anybody want ill-will to their fellow human? The statement, “misery loves company,” is true. People will try to bring you down to their level, just so that they can feel better about themselves. Maybe it’s just a way to stroke their ego? I have said in previous blogs that ego is the enemy to ourselves. It’s that way to self-sabotage, and I’ll even say that it leads to negativity in life.

Grow, water, nurture yourself. Maybe ego is the thing that holds you down. I know that I’ve had to deal with the complexity of low-self-esteem, and ego. I think that the ego was to overcompensation for that low-self-esteem. This has lead to so much heart ache and turmoil in some of my relationships. This was something else that fed into the negativity that I was producing in the world.

It’s just like not accepting responsibility for our own actions. I think the realization of accepting that responsibility was the first step in becoming a better person. It’s sad that I have seen this same toxic behavior in others, and watched as it’s ruined relationships and success in others. It seems to make life much harder to get through in the end.

Going back to the point of being a doormat to other people and the negativity that comes with it is this: change the way you look at yourself. I know that I have, and I know that I was in so deep with being treated a certain way, that once I started realizing that it wasn’t acceptable the way I was treated, I started to want that change. When it’s the norm, I guess we don’t realize that it’s that bad. Maybe that’s why people stay in abusive relationships? Could it be because our minds try to protect us from the traumatic horrors that can come from our lives?

I know shedding the fat like I have, feels like I got rid of layers of negativity in my life. I know that for me being fat, it was from a lifetime of negativity in my life. This comes with some odd realizations. My household had always been surrounded with a negative energy. I don’t know if it’s just now, or I don’t remember if it always been, but I think there was always that vibe in the house with my parents.  I just see it more now, as my parents have gotten older, and my mom has always had this temper about her. I just notice it more so now days that she is always yelling when something  disturbs what she’s doing. I think there might be some deeper phycological stuff to deal with there, but I don’t got the degree to analyze it.

Again, the past doesn’t define us. Whatever I had been through, and however I’ve allowed myself to be treated, the past doesn’t define me. I use that to define what I had to help make me better than I was. I use my choices to help make things better, and it helps drive me to do better. This is the director and that’s a wrap.

If you have any questions or comments that you don’t want to post on here, you’re more then welcome to e-mail me at ckproject@zohomail.com

 

 

 

Change of Schedule

From time to time, we have something that throws us a “curveball” and that is our schedules change. Mine is changing at work again. I’ve decided to go back to the nightshift, and while you might say, Chris I thought you hated nightshift? I thought you hated sleeping half of your days away, especially during the weekend? What about being in bed with your wife only two nights a week?

Yes, I agree that those are some of the downsides to the nightshift, however, I am going in prepared for the task at hand. I’m going to concentrate on getting my steps, and bring my 100 wall push-ups a night. I find myself missing doing those on days where I wouldn’t get interrupted with the customer service that I provide at my job. I also will get paid a bit more because I’m working a night schedule, and that will help me with the plans that I started laying out last year.

See that’s the thing, I’ve been working on a plan that’s been evolving for the last six-years now, and it seems like once I get something underway, I find something else to add to the whole process. The newest part is that I’ve been working on paying bills off and getting ready to get the help to fund my movie.

The biggest issue with that is the fact that it’s taking forever to get responses for permits and insurance when we’re trying to find ways to save us money when it comes to actually filming. We will get there though, and once we do start filming, I’ll be happy because I’ve put so much energy into each of my projects.

So far, I’ve done fairly well with the blogging process for the year, and I plan on continuing to write because it helps me sort out my feelings and helps me become a better writer. The biggest problem I had the last time I was on nightshift was that I really didn’t get any content out like I wanted too. However, I’m making this move to make sure that I don’t let the shift stop me from continuing to be productive.

Good thing about working on the movie project that I’ve been dealing with, is that most of it should be filmed at night anyway. I’m finding that to be a challenging situation because I’ve not done a whole lot with night shoots, and I want to use a campfire for practical lighting. Outside of that, I’m excited to actually get this production going forward. That’s part of the reason I’m looking forward to getting the extra money from nightshift. I can pay off bills and put more money towards the production.

The other thing about nightshift is that it’s slower, and I figured that I can work on scripts and blogs during the hours of down time, that is when I’m not getting steps in, or doing those push-ups. I’ve got a plan.

How does this affect your mental health? Well, I know that if I sit there and think, my mind tends to want to focus on negative things. I find that since I’ve gotten off of dayshift for the first time almost two-years ago, I like to get myself to work about a hour early, just so I can take my time and get mentally prepared. From some of the things I’ve seen, the nightshift is one of the easiest, yet most daunting shifts to work. It seems to take a special something to make it work. Usually those who work nightshift also prefer to stay on that shift.

You can always take any situation and look at it from a positive point of view or a negative. Yes, I realize that it’s the slower shift, and I’m usually one for the busier shift, but with this, I find an opportunity to work on things that would give me more of a chance to concentrate on. I like the quiet when being creative, and I was fortunate to have a couple people who had insomnia the last time I was on it to keep me company.

It also seems to help that I while the last time, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect, I am more aware now, and look forward to the challenges that it will present itself. By-all-rights, the last time I was on nightshift it was actually an uneventful time.

Update:

So as I’ve been writing this blog, it’s taken a few days to get it completed. I finished my first night on the nightshift and the day actually started out promising. When working the nightshift sleep can be tricky to navigate. Six-hours of regular sleep seems different than six-hours of sleeping during the morning hours. I’ve had advice from people whom have worked the night hours for long periods of time. Blackout curtains, and staying up for twenty-four-hours are just a couple of the suggestions that I’ve heard.

Since I’m a family man, I dance between both a “normal” schedule and the night schedule. My kids are a bit older, and far more understanding of the situation, but sometimes can still get loud. My dog is much the same way only she likes to whine and get back on the bed.

I think that having some overtime the last couple of weeks, that had put me in a for a sixteen-hour-day has helped remind me of the good times of the nightshift, but I handled those well enough. So staying up Sunday night and not going to bed until after five-in-the-morning, had been okay.

I watched Apocalypse Now(1979), the redux edition that night. I nodded off a few times, as it is a movie that comes in at 202 minutes. When it was finally over, it was closer to five-thirty-in-the-morning. I had the hopes of sleeping until about one, but was up around eleven-thirty. I’m okay with getting six-hours of sleep, because I didn’t fall into the zombie state that haunted my waking hours the last time I was on nightshift.

I got in my personal training session, which also consisted of helping out with my personal trainers youth grappling class, and then did my workout afterwards. I was wondering if that would make me tired as sometimes my sessions push me to that point, but I made it out okay. The only down side is that I started my deadlifts wrong and hurt my back a bit.

This would make the first-three-hours-of-work a bit difficult to get the rest of my steps, but since I had also walked most of them after I had awoken any way, I was able to push through and complete them. I think the walking actually helped my back feel a bit better as I was going. Then, since my step counter restarts at midnight, I would finish through out the night another nine-thousand steps.

I did end up hitting “the wall” about three, three-thirty, which I’ve been told t is common. So walking around and being active helps put off any attempts to nod off at work.

I’ve done my first sleep after my actual shift, and while I did get about six-hours of sleep, I woke up from being too hot. Believe it or not, this isn’t uncommon from the last time I was on this schedule. The bed would get too warm as the morning goes by. Yet, I’m good, as I’m writing this right now.

Anyway, I’m working on maintaining the weight loss journey as being on nightshift is usually a difficult place to keep that going. So, here’s to the next six-months of not seeing a whole lot of day light during the workday, and I’m okay with that. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.

The Birthday Gift

So, I had another checkup with West Medical, out of town on January eleventh.  I went to my appointment with my longtime friend and former co-worker Chris Bennett. He also had a consultation about starting the weight loss process for the gastric sleeve. I’m glad that I could be there for him, and I’m excited to be there for every step of the way.

Not only was it the day I went in for a checkup, but it also was my forty-first birthday, and I was glad that I could spend the day with my extended family. While it had been a while since we did anything like that, it reminded me that these people are some of my favorites to be around for a full day. I’ve been through  so much with this family that I am grateful that we can just get together and have fun.

To get back to the story at hand, I went in for a checkup, and I was hoping that I would have finally made way with my weight loss. Well, I was surprised to find out that I did lose about four pounds. The scale came out to showing 258.8. The last time I weighed in a the doctor’s office I was still sitting at 262.4. This was about the weight I had been since May of 2019. The good part is that my BMI(body mass index) had still been going down during that time period.

Progress is the key, and my friend, Aj Jackson, who’s also a personal trainer keeps mentioning consistency is key on Twitter. He’s right, and with working with Sam Basco on my training, I hadn’t been getting as frustrated as I could have. I just had to shake-up the workout, and honestly, I feel that the food journal is helping me become a bit more responsible about what I do actually put into my mouth. I think that it’s something that will help as I evolve my knowledge about nutrition.

I’ll admit that the way yesterday went, being my birthday, being out of town, and enjoying myself, I did use it as a cheat day. I also forgot to log my food into the journal, but I’ve gotten back on it today. So, I’m not gonna talk about how horrible I may have eaten, but it really wasn’t that bad. I did enjoy seeing Star Wars: The rise of Skywalker(2019) for the second time. What a great way to end a series of movies.

As I share the experience of my weight loss journey, and I’ve inspired people, one of the bonuses that I’ve gotten was the fact that I can join some of them on their own journey’s as well. I would be there for anyone who feels they need that cheerleader in their corner. I know what it’s like to feel like doing things on my own. Though this journey has been sponsored by the most amazing support system of family and friends. I know not everybody else is quite as fortunate as I am, so I’m gonna put out the fact that I’ll be their cheerleader. I’m providing it to my friend Chris, and I’ve also provided it to others through Facebook, Twitter and various other social media sites. I’ve also voiced my support to people that I actually know in the real world.

Let’s make this a year where we can all kick ass together and make life better both physically and mentally. I know that it’s not always easy to maintain. I find that keeping myself going is constant work, and there are days that I really don’t feel like keeping up with the steps, and the miles. I’m trying to change that this year, and actually get my steps in. That was something I almost didn’t get yesterday, but, by the support of the people around me, they indulged me and helped me complete my steps. It wasn’t necessarily the 700 calorie goal that I try to reach, but I figured that if I can at least get my 10,000 steps, then I’m still doing well enough as it is.

Keep in mind that I’ve been pushing myself even with a slightly sprained ankle. It’s not been easy for me to get in the body weight work, but I had gone back to doing some of my weight training. I’ve been working on my form for squats, and getting into my basket, or putting my “ass to the grass” hasn’t been the easiest part of the workout. Getting lower has really worked my muscles and I find that doing this squat with the bar overhead actually keeps me straighter then if I had just had it on my shoulders.

The amazing part of these exercises is that I’m now learning more about my body and it functions. Yes, I know that it might sound weird, but do you ever realize how much the slightest movement in a different direction can change the way you use a particular muscle? Back Squats use more of your lower back, then say a Front Squat which uses more of your Quads. An Overhead Squat uses more of your legs and gluts. I’ve been told that the overhead is actually Olympic style lifting, compared to a back, which is for power lifters.

So, let’s bring this blog around to what today entailed. I was going in to workout with Sam Basco today, which doing weekend workout, isn’t uncommon. I like working out with Sam. The weekend workouts are different than the weekdays, because it becomes a bit more relaxed, and yet the workout is just as good. Strength training can have a slower pace, and I know that my muscles will feel it for hours. I did start today with trying to do my body/ grappling training, but my ankle still wasn’t having it completely. I think that I may still need a week to completely recover.

While I have that bum ankle, Sam was able to work on it a bit today before we called it a day. While it is feeling better and less tight, when he initially works on it, well it hurts. At least I’m okay to tolerate the pain. It’s a wonderful thing to have him as a trainer, because he seems to provide me with more than just a personal trainer. He’s a friend, philosopher, spiritual coach, and nutritionalist.

That’s one of the things we ended up doing today. I took him and his son out for lunch, where we discussed a bit of nutrition. I actually learned somethings today. One being about how to be more mindful about going out to eat a meal. I know that I have plenty more to learn, but this whole thing is going to make me more well rounded in my weight loss journey, and will help me when I start down the path to get my personal trainer cert. I think I’ll go for nutrition as well.

I can’t thank the people who’ve supported me enough. It’s helped keep me going. I want to thank those who actually have the hands on for my success, they help me get through this journey, and make it look easier. You all are part of this journey, and have been amazing. I see those who I’ve inspired to take up the reigns of their own weight loss journey. This particular group I want to give the biggest shout out too. I see what you’re doing, and that’s amazing, keep it up, because I’m in your corner too.

This is the director and this year has already shown me where it’s going, and all I can say is FUCK YES! Let’s keep this momentum up and show everyone how amazing life is and how much better it still has to go to be even more amazing. So, with that being said, that’s a wrap.

Haters Gonna Drink That Haterade

So my journey has gone fairly smoothly so far. I’ve had so much positive reactions to it, though I’ve had a few haters in the background. The good part of that was that until recently non of that feedback was spoken to my face. Maybe this was because someone was too afraid that I would react poorly to their comments? Who knows? In truth, I don’t really care.

So, I finally got my first naysayer on Facebook, by someone casting doubt on my results in one of the groups I’m a member of. The fact that someone doubted me, I could’ve handled a number of ways. I could have been petty and insulted this person for judging me without knowing my story. I could have let it tear me down, and make everything feel like a waste. However, I actually didn’t respond, and I had people who’ve witnessed my transformation actually take up the mantle and come to my defense.

I have the fortune to have traveled this path and find the most amazing and supportive people during this time. I want to think that my honestly and integrity is what helped me connect with these people. Maybe the fact that I’m not an asshole about my journey is part of the appeal? I’m trying my best to stay humble, and think that people are inspired by my work has caused me to find a purpose in my life. It causes me to want to do better.

All-the-while, I won’t lie and say that it wasn’t part of any plan. I always hoped that the way I handled things would be used as a tool to inspire others to improve themselves. That was something I did when I started any part of my self-improvement journey. All the way back when I started the CK Project, I just felt that it had to evolve when I was going through different stages in my life.

I used it as a way to keep myself accountable to myself and others, but as I had gone into a depressive state, it became part of my mental health, and the healing process. This was the point where I figured that people could see my struggles, and maybe be inspired by the fact that I didn’t let those negative thoughts end a life that had so much more potential than I would have ever expect at the time.

It’s amazing how that being in a mentally dark place can cause you too loose all sense of self-worth. I felt like the world would be a better place without me, and that I wasn’t as important as I am, or is it I must be? I’m not trying to brag, or sound egotistical, but I’ve found that I do have value in this world, and that if I were to disappear I would be missed.

Yes, I know that my family would miss me, that’s more obvious than you might think I realize. I do understand the value that I bring to them. As of the conversations that I’ve had over the last few years, and even people I talk to on a constant basis, I have discovered that there are people who put more value into who I am, than I ever would have expected.

This comes from people who have said they consider me their best friend. I’m humbled by this because some of these people I don’t feel that I did anything more particular then just listen without judgement and treat them decently. To be honest, those who are the one’s that I consider my best friends, I’m an asshole to. I love them, but I also give them so much shit and about everything. At the same time, I would have their backs through fire and brimstone.

Again, this comes at when is the appropriate time to be that way, and when to be serious. Part of the consequences, or blessings of being apart of that circle is that I’m gonna give it to them honestly, and it’s not always something other’s understand.

An example is, I have a friend whom I’ll call Sexy Beast. If he reads this, then he’ll know that I’m calling him out on something. Those who know my group might know this nickname, so then you can also know that I’m gonna call him out on something as well. As one of my oldest and closest friends, who’s seen be through two marriages, knows full-well that as I love him like a brother, I’m gonna call him on his bullshit. He’s dealing with diabetes, and his blood sugar has been high, more often than not. So, where is the calling out on his crap?

So, people on his Facebook give him words of encouragement, and hey I’m the first to say that I’m in his corner, as I’ve inspired him to get healthier. Look at his page and you’ll see it for yourself. However, I know that he’s eating poorly, and drinking alcohol, so that’s why his blood sugar is so high. My response, because I know what he’s doing is to stop fucking up. He knows better, and I wouldn’t be so harsh if I didn’t care. Sometimes, that brutal dose of reality, is what people need. I don’t want his funeral to be the next that I go too. My children love him like an uncle, and I’ve had to deal with the loss of too many of my peers over the last few years.

I guess in that way, to the outside observer, it would look like maybe I’m being the hater in that situation. The truth is, I care. Sometimes I care far more than I should, because I’ve been through the heart break of disappointment by someone I loved, and couldn’t help. The people who’ve I’ve had a lasting impact on their lives, and have left the same on me, I care about. I love them and want nothing but the best for them.

I think part of the hardest thing that I deal with is watching people hate on others. I know some of the reasons, and I can see where that might cause some discontent, but it comes down to people not knowing the whole story.

Remember the blog about the moms? How people give the nasty, judgmental looks towards misbehaving kids? Usually it’s from not knowing that the child could have behavioral issues. My fellow parent’s of autistic children, understand.

I know that it’s so easy to tear people down, when things are different than social standards. I know it’s easy to destroy something because of some insecurity issues. Think of what could be accomplished? Maybe people would feel less shitty about themselves? It’s okay to share in someone else’s success. You might not realize it, but that support could just be one of the things that helps make someone be better than they are.

The worst thing any of us can do is feed into the negativity that surrounds so much of this cynical world. We can continue to hate and tear everyone down, but why? Because of fear? Why, because of hate? To quote a little green man: Fear leads to hate, hate leads to suffering… Haven’t we all suffered enough from the world around us? Haven’t we had enough of this selfishness to last a life time? Let’s build something bigger and better for our children’s children.

I hate hearing about eight-year-olds taking their lives, because society makes them feel a certain way. I had been there once, and it’s a fear that I’ve had about my own children. It’s hard to see them go through similar situations, helplessly watching, knowing that you can’t do anything to really make it better.

This is the director, and I think I’ll step off the soapbox for tonight, and call the martini shot, because that’s a wrap.

Food Journal Time

I started a food journal on my Tumblr account a couple days before the new years, and I’m finding it surprisingly effective. While, my format isn’t at the complete place I want it to be, I am starting it, and I will evolve it until I get what I’m ready to put down all the information I’m going to keep track of. This is because I feel like I need to do a bit of research first.

The plus side of keeping track is that it actually makes me think about what I’m doing before I decide to eat something. This I feel is a counter to the mindless eating that I’ve done in the past. It’s easy when you sneak a bite here or there, but doing this and keeping honest is a way to remind myself, is that snack really going to be worth it in the end.

I’m eventually going to turn it into a calorie, carb, protein tracker as well. This way we will see what I’m actually doing with my intake. I know that this is just another step to get myself into a better health situation. Not that I haven’t been doing well so far, but I know that I can do so much better, and progress is the way to go.

I started my journal on Sunday, December twenty-ninth. So far it hasn’t been bad. I know that I started out doing the same when I was tracking for Weight Watchers, but I find that I have more resolve and a better commitment now. Though having the points be automatically calculated for you was nice, and made things less complicated. I think that having to do the math and calculations myself will be more beneficial as a part of my weight loss journey.

It’s interesting where this journey continues to take me. I mean yes I’ve plateaued, but I find mentally things are still changing. I’m getting more focused, and I realized that I let things slide for too long. I think this is prepping me for better things to come.

Mentally, I’m on fire! I’ve put out three scripts that I plan on getting filmed this year, and I know that I’m not even done with the final scripts on two of those projects. I’m more determined to get past 260 and have committed to getting a full 366 days of 10,000 steps plus this year.

As I had said in a previous blog, 2020 is going to be an even bigger year. The CK Project is going better, faster, stronger, and there’s no stopping the momentum. On top of that, one of my closest and best friend’s getting ready to embark on this weight loss journey too.

I’m proud that he’s decided to get a consult with West Medical because they are a great company, and they’ve helped me get my life back on track. I think it will help my friend in so many ways, and it’s great because he’s one of  the closest people that I would consider like a brother. I’ve watched him also struggle with his weight, and see how it’s affected him. It’ll be even more interesting because we are similar, and would get called by each others name at work.

The thing that I provide him is that support that he needs. It was something we had talked about way before even considering getting weight loss surgery, and it was one of the reasons that I had decided to get it. I wanted to go through it, and give the report of the good and the bad of the whole process. It’s something that we’ve kept talking about, and I’m excited that I can help with first hand experience for him.

I think it’s a bit bittersweet because I have my skin removal surgery consultation on my birthday, and one and a half hours later, he has his first consultation. My family and I will be there to support him, and I hope that it helps get him cured of his diabetes.

Let’s talk about keeping up the momentum, as of today, January seventh, 2020, I’ve had thirteen-days straight of getting an average of around 15,000 steps. My promise to get a year full of 10,000 plus steps had started just a few days after Christmas, and I plan on keeping up with the momentum. This, as well as the food journal is just the start for reaching even higher places in my weight loss journey.

This journey is wonderful, and even with all the time I felt less than motivated, and there were moments that I thought that I might want to give up, I haven’t. I’ve gotten into my own head with self-doubt at times, being left in my own thoughts have caused me to feel less than successful. However, I’ve come a long way, and I will continue to go for as long as I can. Part of that success is that support system I have.

I know that I’ve mentioned it a few times, but it’s true. A good support system can make things seem so much less effortless, than doing it on your own. Plus, I’ve had the privilege to be other’s support systems too. The network continues to grow. The human connection gets bigger, and I can’t even tell you how much these people mean to me.

It’s like paying it forward. I found people whom had already gone through the process of weight loss surgery, and then they supported me as I had gone through it on my own. Now, I get to help guide people as they start on their own journey’s. I’ve met people whom have had a variety between the surgery choices that are offered, and I’m continuing learning more about the various processes that this journey intel’s.

One of the things that they all have in common, is they all show the beauty of their souls with the results that changed their lives. They are all encouraging, and just the most amazing group of people I’ve ever met.

That’s not to say that every person has a success story. I’ve read about people who’ve got horror stories from their experiences. Some have regrets that they had the surgery. I’ve not actually talked to many of them, though I had a few who talked to me in person about their concerns for me going through the process.

The only real advice I could give anyone about making this decision is that you have to think about what you want to do. You have to conceder that not everyone wants to see you succeed. There are too many people who are all too happy too “troll” you. Find your pack, your support system. Listen and follow your doctor’s orders. Keep in mind that most of your struggles are going to be more mentally than physically. There are things that might not make sense, like why do you have to lose weight before the surgery? It’s because they want the liver to have less fat for when they go in to do the procedure.

You’re going to plateau, and it’s going to happen several times over. As a matter a fact, it’s going to seem like you’ll be stuck forever. I know the times that it happened for me, it felt like eternity, but in reality, just a few weeks. Just keep going, consistency is key. You hear it all the time with in the fitness world. The doctor’s will tell you to walk, and they’ll say 10,000 steps. At least that was the number I heard. That’s over four-miles-long. At first it’ll seem like the hardest thing to do. I started out just getting between 2,000 to 4,000 steps. Just keep active, and it gets easier. Replace food coping with life, with exercise, or an active life style.

It’s the mindset, it’s the changes that will come physically, and mentally. Things will surprise you. This is the director, and that’s a wrap.